Supercut: Berta Giving the Realness | Two and a Half Men

oh jeez I'm working for Caligula hi baa hey sippy what are you doing here my marriage is over candy kicked me out damn that's horrible yeah damn damn damn tell me about it I had October in the pool pool what what what what pool me your brother your mom a couple of neighbors had a pool and how long before she dumped your ass I was so close you were betting that my marriage was going to fail no we were betting on when so Charlie took you back huh well not with open arms or an open heart or even an Open Door after he pushed me out I had to climb in through the window but yeah I'm back well I'm glad you're kidding no with you and the kid around I won't have to hose down the washing machine so often I'll get that I guess there's no trusting this butter now or the loose bananas Charlie I'm going home how many times have I asked you not to do that I'm going home I suppose you won me to pay you not necessary I took the money out of your wallet fine guess what I got a raise congratulations you want to know why I got a raise no I'm sure I had my reasons because when I took this job all I had to do was clean up after you and while that may have been disgusting it was doable and then your brother moved in which I accepted with my usual good humor because he cleans up after himself like a neurotic raccoon this is about the kid man good for you that's why you're the boss he's just here for a week it's a temporary situation and yet my raise is permanent sounds fair God what a horrible day tell me about it show of hands who spent their day pre-soaking the shorts of a kid who leaves more skid marks than a getaway car that's what I thought now if you ladies will excuse me I have three buses to catch I bet she catches them by hand morning what's good about it I didn't say good hey aren't you studying for your test I thought we settled this dad turn off the TV go to your room and study he'll never learn hey hey I heard that so so I'm an adult I don't have to learn anything what's bugging you Zippy your blowup doll run off of the pool toy just mind your business and do your job want to rephrase that desperately where the hell are are we it's called Rancho Pima it's very Brown yeah not much grer except meth labs and cold sores just out of curiosity what exactly are we hoping to accomplish here with this Ronald guy well a perfect world he'd dump his wife and marry my little hose bag but I'll settle for him stepping up and paying for his mistake and if he declines that's why I brought you me all I could do at this point is pee on his rug you still have to go well yeah it doesn't evaporate can we pull over for a minute in this neighborhood in the Mercedes sherff you're partial to car theft and [Music] sodomy take a left right up here that's not a road well not during rainy season oh God I think I hit a dog don't worry it was just a rat it's okay he's getting up you think will you stay on I'd consider it if the price is right I'd also consider smothering you with my sweet sweet loving well money is not an issue good to know God Ching what's down here ice I like it better on top me too puppy anyway what I really need is a housekeeper who's going to be here all the time cuz you know I'm not very good at taking care of myself oh I can take care of you oh I can take care of you well my car is all packed I guess I'm ready to go great news Alan berda has agreed to be my live-in housekeeper really yeah he talked me into it I wonder what his sweat tastes like well that is good news uh here are a couple of set of keys uh remotes for the garage and remember garbage pickup is on Tuesday oh you take care of the garbage right nope well uh time for me to go wait come here give us a hug goodbye seriously come on Alan despite everything you and me have been like family I guess I'm taking your room Zippy of course you are well see you I'll walk you out I could bite that ass like an apple what the we need to talk okay I don't mind your girlfriend throwing the occasional thong or panties into the hamper I just boil them and sell them with the swap meat but this broad is taking advantage of my easygoing nature now to be fair Lydia does have her positive attributes yeah well I ain't hitting any of them attributes so I don't give a rat's ass all right all right you know what she said to me Charlie she said I need to learn my place around here oh she didn't a but she did is that true Charlie do I need to learn my place around here no Bera we all know your place and where is that place Charlie where are you want it to be there is only room for one alpha dog in this house I know and who is that Alpha Dog Charlie you are say it you're the alpha dog a you sweet talker you we'll just pretend that's morning wood hey what what in the hell happened here I triy to make breakfast for the kid tried yeah the eggs were too runny so I made oatmeal that was too dry so I made waffles that were and I quote bloody Dreadful where is she now I don't know I don't care I can't do this Verda it's just it's too much she just never stops yeah I raised four daughters the only thing that slows them down is jail and Johnson's told Zoe we were going to be a family what am I going to do kid seven yeah wait nine years what happens in 9 years if you're lucky she runs away with a Coke adle bass player and if I'm not lucky a drummer hey Bera Merry Christmas thank you Charlie you're very generous well I just want you to know that I appreciate all your hard work and I appreciate you pretending I work hard hey you feeling lucky when you got in mine my Christmas bonus double or nothing that zerck makes the field goal are you crazy that's 52 yards he hasn't made one that long all year I got a hunch you got a bet there's the snap up it's long enough but wide it's no good Z missed another one well happy birthday Jesus told you no biggie Easy Come Easy Go sorry looks like the grandkids are getting beef jerky and Lotto scratches this year here you're too kind don't mention it you got a big heart thank you double or nothing they don't make the first down yeah what are you doing making your bed well I'd like to take a nap hop in you can spoon me but it ends there are you sick yeah I'm sick I'm sick of staying up all night with a screaming baby while my daughter's out trolling the Waterfront for the father of her next one oh that's rough oh don't Fain interest in my life Charlie sorry I I I see a woman in my bed I instinctively start lying close the door on your way okay no no this is ridiculous baa get me out sleep tight Charlie honey wake up good morning you lied to me Charlie you said it was just going to be the two of us I didn't lie Bera things change Goodbye Charlie don't leave me Bera I love you you want talk about this sorry I do single men only I'm in I'm out there are no complications but I am single uh Bera I hate to bring this up again but you just you cannot put the peanut butter in the refrigerator it gets hard and uh and On a related subject the peanut butter stains on Jake shirts really require an enzyme pre- soak I hope you two will be very happy together but who's going to take care of me who's going to do the laundry and the shopping and the cleaning and all the other stuff that's the scrubbing bubble there Uncle Charlie why is ba leaving why doesn't doesn't matter Jake what matters is she's gone and we're all going to die era hey ziby it's 10 o00 what are you still doing here it's 11 years later what are you still doing here where's your girlfriend G I think I lost her you mean lost like you broke up or lost like the time Charlie took Jake to Disneyland broke up wait Charlie lost Jake actually Jake lost Charlie security found him he was doing white snow with Snow White so um what did you do to drive this girlfriend away she thinks I'm still in love with Lindsay which I'm not but she doesn't believe me we'll make her believe you you can make anybody believe anything you made the IRS believe you had seven dependents that's true I went to Chiropractic College on an naac pie scholarship exactly and you made those people at the movie theater believe that you were under 14 and over 65 once on the same day the uh the secret is that both of those groups wear little baseball caps I was saving this for your funeral but Zippy you're a charmer thanks baa no thank you now I don't don't have to go to your funeral I'm warning you coffee tends to shoot through me so if you've got a cavity search plan you better do it pretty quick we don't need to do a cavity search can I request one hi baa it's me the uh the scrubbing bubble I came to apologize okay thank you bye-bye come on can't can't can we put aside our our petty differences and and and and find a way to work together out of a a mutual love for Charlie yeah that's why I do this for love the thing is I'm I'm going through a really tough time right now my my marriage is collapsing my my business is slow my my little boy is being dragged back and forth from his mother's house to to to m Bo my alcoholic husband ran off with my daughter's parole officer and I clean rich people's toilets for a living okay let's not make this a competition all right so you won't come back will you at least tell me how you made the damn coffee christmy Christmasy yeah Charlie said your coffee tastes christmy oh cinnamon I said cinnamon oh oh lower back you uh you do a lot of lifting of course you do you're a maid and I'm an ass I'm a housekeeper of course and you're an ass yes hey oh why don't you sit down let me take a look at it what I'm a chiropractor okay but no funny business not to worry oh God that feels so good oh hey Bur I can't find Mya if you're going to do a guy in the laundry room put a scarf on the doorknob or something I'm a big fan so wrong hey hey you know Charlie you've really got a beautiful view here you're just noticing that well I spend most of my days looking at Dirty Toilets and those Roar shock tests you call bed sheets it's nice you're get a chance to stop and smell the roses oh don't get me started on the smells around here Hey listen baa now you know how I feel about you right no tell me oh gee I could never put it into words well then show [Applause] me relax I'm just screwing with you good one anyway uh I believe there are certain boundaries between an employer and an employee which is why I think it'd be best if you found oh I agree with you about the boundaries which is why I've been keeping quiet about the things your brother says behind your back what does he say oh I don't want to cause problems no no no no tell me let's just say that he doesn't always appreciate everything you do for him you know what the problem is I'm a soft touch you do have a big heart and there are always people out there who will take advantage of that she wouldn't think it'd be your own brother yeah that's the saddest part what can I do about it respects not freely given in this life Charlie you got to demand it you're right it's time for me to stand up for myself good for you and while you're up did you get me one of those little Japanese you keep in the refrigerator oh sure be right back thanks I'm a bad [ __ ] cat all right well uh now that we're all here why don't we take turns saying something about Alan and how much he means to us oh okay Jake you want to start no I got to go make room for cake all right uhera why don't you get the ball rolling sure what the hell Zippy I got to tell you when you first moved in I didn't really care for you you were a Persnickety self-righteous smug son of a [ __ ] and now here we are 6 years later thank you oh hey uh baa When Miss McMartin gets here can you give us some privacy I got to talk to her oh God when are you going to stop proposing to all these women Zoe Kate Allan actually I'm going to break up with her if you want I can pull together a breakup kit like I used to do for Charlie it's a pint of hog and dos a bottle of wine and the only copy of your sex tapes hey Walden hey baa what's your favorite flavor of ice cream why no reason no this is the first time we're walking into this house as an official family cool Walden Schmidt Lis Schmidt and a big pile of Schmidt hey you know now that you're my son someday all this is going to be yours whoa whoa whoa let's not get ahead of ourselves what should we do to celebrate this special family day I'm going to play Legos in my room uh you mean I'm going to play Legos in my room dad I'm going home to get High I mean I'm going home to get high dad era who's asking what's wrong too much self rating last night I didn't notice you drinking at Allen's party no afterward with the magician at his place you went back to his place well technically his van why didn't you just stay home if I stay home you don't pay me so you just came in to lie on my couch tough times Charlie some people are living in their vans oh make it stop oh good uh you made it uh oh I'm I'm sorry I pulled you out of your Halloween party I just figured I wasn't that a Halloween party I just I just assumed since you're dressed so what happened no we were about to go out and he got chest pains and suddenly collapsed oh wow he's so young so fit so not you H's okay I never thought I'd have a boss better than your brother but Wallen is good people it's the best the guy has the biggest heart of anyone I have ever met yep a heart of gold clogged with arterial plaque you've been a good friend to Walden he's lucky to have you he's lucky to have you too sister Berto and listen um if God forbid the worst happens I I just want you to know that uh you'll always have a job at the house I mean we'd have to talk reduced salaries but uh what makes you think he'd leave you the house I'm his best friend there's nobody closer to him than me I clean his underwear I wear his underwear we got a little surprise for you Chuck Norris Fried Chicken cheesecake and beer that's what my first husband requested for his last meal am I dying don't be silly do you like Farms what oh I I I think what he's trying to say is have you ever thought about hanging up the old toilet brush raising that vest up to the rafters oh my God you're firing me no I I would never fire you I'm talking about retirement just kicking back taking easy getting high every day I do that now besides I can't afford to retire what about that pension plan I set up for you I'll tell you what happened to it life your house needs a new roof your grandson needs braces your daughter's meth lab explodes what were you planning on doing working for the rest of your life yeah I thought about uh getting a villa and Tuscany then I said nah I'll just hang around here and clean the skid marks out as if he's [Laughter] underwear how about this what if you can make the same money you're making now and never have to work again one last job I like it am I driving or shooting no you retire and I'll pay you for the rest of your life you want to pay me for doing nothing yeah I called the Allen Harper plan where's this coming from we're we're just worried about you it's a tough job especially for a woman of your age what he said it's hard for a woman your age I heard him I can do the job just fine really because you basically bent over and haven't been able to get out of bed for two days so you just want to treat me like some pathetic charity case you can throw money at no no one's saying you're a charity case although I on the other hand would be happy to be one of Walden's kids I'm just trying to do something nice for you by giving me a handf unlike you I've worked for every scent I ever made excuse me you got rich from one idea you have no clue what it's like to work for a living okay I am not going to apologize for being successful no you are not my friend shut up work for a living you hurt your back trying to take a nap you know what I don't have to take this crap well that makes two of us it's settled then I quit oh no where am I going to find someone to eat my food smoke my pot and sleep in my bed oh shut up [Music] okay oh crap um uh ber you you got a minute what's on your mind princess well uh first and foremost you know that we consider you a beloved member of this family Alan you can manure in powdered sugar but it still ain't a jelly donut now now see right there that that's one of the things that we love about you you know folksy spill it mild right right well uh I'm not sure you're aware of this but it has been quite some time since Charlie has had any actual income okay and I can't help but notice that you're the only beloved family member actually drawing a salary I'm also the only beloved family member who takes a toothbrush to your kids skives and and and and we can never begin to repay you for that but but during these difficult financial times we all have for the record it's not my truth brush right not right now but cut my pay and all bets are off be reasonable this might be more than just a temporary dry spell for Charlie look I I know things may seem dark right now but I've known Charlie a lot longer than you have that technically that's not true are you going to let me talk sorry one thing I've learned working for Mr Charles Rosco Harper is your name isn't Rosco who's telling this story continue anyway what I've learned is God takes care of drunks and fools and C Rosco Harper is both his middle name is Francis no no you know what I changed my mind I don't want to talk to bur too bad you wouldn't let a topless maid make your bed and now you've got a lie in it all right well I am not going to apologize you won't have to she said if you made an effort and came to her she'd be more than happy to apologize to you Zippy says you want to apologize see what I did there can we come in yeah places a mess I was a jerk to my housekeeper so she quit okay that's it I'm out of here oh come on Balden is it that difficult to say you're sorry it is when you have nothing to say you're sorry for are you that clueless you hurt my feelings you hurt my feelings and you smoked all my pots so I had no way of not feeling what I was feeling okay okay dialogue is good now let's see if we can find some common ground you're an idiot agreed look I was trying to help you because I care about you not because I see you as a charity case and I'm sorry if you got the wrong impression I'm sorry I overreacted besides I was so high I thought you were a Talking Dragon it is really good stuff that's the stuff I give my grandkids at Christmas it's fu cuz I get it from a guy named Jesus what are you saying come back I don't know you may be right I might not be able to do everything I used to do work around it right oh absolutely whatever it takes deal deal come on in I'll make you a cup of coffee not funny actually this is the first time I've touched the stuff since the zzy Top concert in '92 I got so paranoid I locked myself in a porta potty and tried to Tunnel home well good news pot's a lot stronger now what do you think I've rolled better joints on the back of a motorcycle while digging a bullet out of my boyfriend's shoulder all right fine you try it man I hope this helps me sleep I can't take another night wandering around the house thinking about Chelsea yeah yeah boohoo let's fire up this bad boy I love you bur I love you too Charlie give me $1,000 why well if you have to ask you don't really love me oh oh and and and pretzels get some pretzels pretzels we don't need no sticking pretzels oh man I am so lucky to have her in my life you've had a lot of wonderful women in your life but you always find a way to sabotage the relationship charie she's right Charlie if there's a way it can be blown you'll blow it and not in a fun way yeah tell me something Charlie do you think your inability to commit and all your macho posturing is because deep down you're afraid you're gay you know I've wondered that too are you just a big old Mo he's not a mo he's got mommy issues lots and lots of mommy issues lyia hey it's Lydia excuse me why does everyone blame the mother frankly I think you were more on target with that homo Theory okay I don't want to be high anymore you're not here you're not here none of you are here wow so this is the bedroom I never got past the couch what are you complaining about I never got out of the car he did me in a little church in Van eyes right in the Pew I would never let them do me in the Pew he dumped me when I said I love you he dumped me when he saw my penis me too and he never called me again why Charlie why didn't you call I was busy I lost your number I was out of town you had a penis you I don't know what that thing [Applause] was this isn't happening this isn't happening hey Charlie oh Ro not you too why not me too look I am really sorry about our one night stand I know I should have called you yes you should have tell you what after I come down off this stupid pot how about I call the real you and take you out on a proper date tell you how much you mean to me how much you've always meant to me the real me would like that very much all I could find was donuts and chopus hey Rose wait you can see her yeah why can't you Walen believe me I am fine and dandy with our carnal interludes see him everything okay with you and Mary Poppins you EAS droing if I don't EAS drop I've got nothing to tweet about problem is she's English stiff upper lips and all that you should date a nice polish girl you don't say oh yeah those commies they're all freaks sex is the only thing they didn't have to stand in line and wait for good to know I think I'll stick with Zoe I just wish I could get her to relax you know let go me I'm just the opposite I can get all leaning against the dryer with a couple of sneakers in it some my Nikes are so clean when when listen if you want to loosen up the Duchess of dolling sack you might try slipping over one of my special brownies I got a fresh batch in the fridge you know from my gloma thank you but I'm I don't want to have to get Zoe loaded enjoy sex with me suit yourself doesn't want to get her loaded what's the matter with kids today we go to sleep then do you like brownies just another game the sexy pastry show no no come to butter my baking pan no no okay it's just baa made these pot brownies and I just thought maybe if we had one that we could relax a little bit W tried that once at University had a bit of a giggle is that a yes I don't see any harm in it what was that you hear police sirant I hear police sirant got from France [Music] bummer oh no they getting closer looks like someone else found the brownies oh good you saw her too what's going on she's helping yurtle the turtle study for his test why didn't he ask me name three contributions the Roman Empire made to civilization orgies wine in bulimia go ahead ask me about the Greeks then who did invit aroma therapy not the Romans but you see my logic you know I never did understand why you didn't give her more of a chance she's pretty smart and and amazingly patient with dumb guys are you talking about Jake or me a smart guy wouldn't have to ask that question excuse me but let's not forget this is a woman who stalked me who spied on me who snuck into my house to write her name and address in my underwear oh boohoo somebody cares about Charlie nobody ever wrote their name in my underwear wait once the Department of Corrections morning morning hey oh hey guys how's the homework coming the three major buildings in ancient Rome were the Coliseum The Forum and Circus Circus Circus we need a little more time carry on I know it's not Caesar's Palace why don't you get him a real tutor are you kidding she has advanced degrees in like three subjects she loves him he worships her and the only thing she asks in return is to sit naked in your laundry hamper every once in a while and that's not a red flag for you you could do a lot worse than Rose Charlie I have done a lot worse but that's not really a recommendation now is it hey Bera you want to hear something cool the ancient Romans had a place called a vomitorium where people could eat as much as they wanted puke and then eat some more no just like the Sizzler hey morning buddy you suck whoa has The Little Prince not taken his morning poop yet it's your fault that Rose is moving away did she tell you that Jake she's not going anywhere this is just one of her games to mess with my head Berna tell him Jake honey your uncle Charlie sucks Come on B if you weren't such a self-centered P you realize what an angel she is and you never let her go okay first of all she's not an angel second of all she not leaving and third and perhaps most important PUD I cleaned it up for the kid love is lovier the ninth or 10th time around morning everybody what's going on Rose is moving to London she is why cuz Uncle Charlie's a PUD a PUD I cleaned it up for myself hey Dad can we go to Sizzler you're kidding now he's broken his toe this relationship goes on much longer he's going to run out of Parts don't be such a Sour Puss Courtney's a terrific girl and Charlie's having as a clam wait a second you never liked Courtney people change people grow people buy expensive gifts for the housekeeper she bought you that and the purse and the sunglasses child Bella it I am out of here fine by me you're nothing but a selfish son of a a [ __ ] and you're a gold digger go to hell I'd meet you there but they don't take credit cards problem she was just trying to use me Alan really I'm stunned I still like her you know what she wanted me to do she actually found something you didn't want to do she wanted me to give her money to pay her brother's rent I said hey I've already got one brother leeching off me right right this one doesn't even have a job at least you pretend to be a chiropractor well I have my pride that's it for me no more meaningful relationships I'm going to stick with the honesty and integrity of the traditional hooker John Arrangement sometimes the old ways are best um glad you came to your senses about Courtney and I just want to say I'm always here for you I've never doubted that thank you wasn't a compliment my point was I I I think you've made the right decision I have haven't I well of course you have for God's sake look what she did to you yeah oh my God I got to get her back Charlie no Charlie oh God are you okay I'm not sure how bad is it it's fine I ain't cleaning that up can I make you some oatmeal not cereal I know I just thought you might enjoy something hot and quiet nope do you have a hangover yeah drinking that much was a stupid thing to do then why' you do it I don't know Jake maybe I'm just stupid or maybe you just don't apply yourself hey hey can we stop talking for a while okay although I do like a little conversation of breakfast morning everybody shh he's on over oh yeah well isn't this an ironic turn of events me waking up feeling all bright and chipper and you looking like a stool sample not a big irony fan huh Charlie yeah either stop talking or at least have the decency to kill me boy I'm never going to drink good job you scarred the kid for life now he's going to have to face Junior High sober just just tell me one thing what's that did I really tell the waiter I loved him last night you had to say something after a kiss like that oh God I took care of your bathroom thank you I hope you like the smell of pine scented puke so did I do anything else I'm going to regret no you paid for dinner a [Laughter] jeez and after we got home there was some drunken blubbering about how you weren't going to Grable for the approval of women anymore all right I almost forgot I had a lifechanging Epiphany last night was this before or after you you yacked up a hunk of your esophagus no no it's no joke I've reached a turning point from this day on my actions will no longer be predicated on pleasing the castrating mother figures in my life what's so funny nothing I think she doubts your Epiphany she'll see they'll all see starting now I am a new Allen [Laughter] oh damn I think I wept myself starting now I will fear no woman's disapproval oh God that's Judith I was supposed to have Jake ready she's going to kill me okay starting now good for you oh I better get that oh wait what she thinks of you doesn't matter the only thing that counts is what you think of you you're right that's what I think of me I had so much potential okay forget what you think of you yeah I'm probably too close to me to see me clearly yeah that's it I have a question yeah how smart do you have to be to have sex well actually can I but I was oh come on why do you ask well mom's boyfriend's a doctor yeah and doctors are supposed to be smart right not as smart as they think they are but uh but go ahead well when I'm in bed I can hear them in bed oh god oh boy oh goody and Mom's always telling him that he doesn't know what he's doing how much do I love this kid don't interrupt Charlie go on sweetheart so I'm thinking sex must be a lot harder than I figured I mean she has to tell him the same thing every night every night you say baa you had a semiannual subscription didn't you come on you guys please can't help you look Jake it it's not that you have to be particularly smart to have sex yeah yeah your dad chigs show me a coke think of it this way suppose you like banana cream pie I do like banana cream pie well good do we have any no well then why'd you bring it up I was trying to tell you something about sex what does pie have to do with sex can I jump in how about me excuse me but if I can't talk you can't talk am I right Alan anyway if you don't tell me you like banana cream pie and I keep bringing home something else but I just told you I like it want to know what kind of pie your uncle Charlie is oh come on I I'm guessing [Laughter] Cher please I've got this you've got squat at this rate the kid's only going to get a stiffy at Marie Calendars I don't want to go to summer camp are you kidding you'll have a great time look look at this one it's a computer camp with a theater program ethernet by day no no net by night I don't want to go to Camp if the kid doesn't want to go don't make him go yeah he's 10 he's old enough to work what when I was your age I spent my Summers hosing tarantulas off bananas in the back of my stepfather's truck hey what's going on I'm going to Camp good morning morning morning what come on give there's nothing to give she came by said she misses me spent the night yay so is she moving back in is the wedding back on or was it just making the Beast with two backs what is wrong with you I'm at an awkward age morning everyone morning morning hey you want coffee actually I have to get home and change for work oh okay can we talk sure oh that's never good how do you know that's what Mom said to you it's one of you Alan I'm melan oh good Charlie want you to come upstairs why well it's kind of hard to explain try oh yeah try well he's kind of stuck in in what not in anything just stuck you hurry where are you going oh like I'm going to miss this oh Charlie are you okay do I look okay what happened I pulled my back I didn't do anything I was just lying there and he started screaming I understand I mean it wasn't just lying there I got it damn I wish I had a camera that's okay it's all on video morning Charlie Charlie good I don't have to give him mouth to mouth morning morning you sleeping sure let's call sleep Uncle Charlie I'm going to have a bowl of maple Loops you want one you sure he's okay I never said he was okay freaky you really shouldn't see him like this Drake there now you can enjoy your breakfast what's wrong with him oh he's getting old kiddo I wish you could have seen him in his prime he was like Babe Ruth he played baseball no he was a drunken hor Monger but there was none better oh god look what the Cat Dragged In he didn't just drag it he ate it pooped it out and then covered it with sand you know what it'd be funny to paint a big mustache on him that would be hilarious but no Charlie Charlie yeah you okay yeah what time did you get home I'm home you are oh God I'm blind morning morning so where did you disappeared to last night me I decided to take a little Drive give you a chance to calm down about charity kersen bomb I'm perfectly calm good who's charity kersen bomb it's just a little thing that's not worth getting upset about and hey what the hell are you doing with my cookies they're yours you know they're mine oh so you're saying I took something that belonged to you and you're upset oh come on Alan I love charity kran bound and you stole her right out from under me he's speaking metaphorically right yeah he was never on top of that I would have been if it weren't for you okay fine I took your girl 20 years ago that calls for maybe five six cookies tops not the whole damn bag I had to go to Junior Prom with cousin Phoebe she was cute she was 12 and in a body cast so what she was your cousin she could have been 18 and in a cellophane bikini and you weren't going to get any you are a horrible human being and I hope you burn in hell so we're good no we are not good we suck freshing that up for you thanks you betrayed me I hate you I hate you I hate you the Cats in the Cradle and the sil boy blue and the man on the shut up Alan when you coming home Dad I don't know hear the thing it's not funny well maybe not funny haha but certainly funny he that boy was nothing like me well he doesn't have ear hair and whiskey breath but I'm guessing he'll grow into that what's going on well it would appear that the old [ __ ] here has fed a child I did not how can you be so sure cuz I never play in the rain without a Slicker in gashes I'm confused where did the gashes go it's just a figure of speech everything that needs to be covered is covered when you know covering is appropriate I didn't ask for your life story I was just confused about the gashes know Charlie even condoms are only 98% effective that's not true hell it isn't haven't you ever read the package who reads the package it's not like a cereal box you don't read it while you're eating yikes Charlie do the math you haven't seen the woman in N9 years and she's got an 8-year-old so what you shut up at my door with a 10-year-old I hadn't seen you in 11 years does that mean taterhead is our love child fine stay in denial there's no way little Chuck is your son Chuck hey hey lots of kids are named Chuck play the piano and look disturbingly like me he's right in fact I'm surprised we're not up to our asses in him I wouldn't need a job if I joined the army you can't join the Army why not because you already are all that you can be you remember my little burden Naomi sure I remember her hi she's got job interviews this afternoon I'm going to watch the baby how are you going to work and watch the baby who said I was going to work hey alen look who's here oh hello hi hi um Nancy right uh Naomi Naomi Naomi sure been a long time sure has this must be your baby oh isn't she cute thanks oh and there's the proud grandma look at her beaming well dip me in butter and roll me in nuts I too am shocked so you're the sleaze ball she's been running around with oh Alan how could you it's my fault Mom Alan wanted to tell you no no it's it's my responsibility if you're going to do anything do it to me welcome to the family look if you really want to make some extra cash I'm sure we can find some household chores for you to do oh yeah there's big money in that what kind of chores well let's see take out the garbage swe up the garage wash my car no none of those sound good tell you what I'll give you 10 bucks if you can eat this entire tub of ice cream in less than 20 minutes okay Charlie that'll shoot out of him like Ben and Jerry on Rocket skates here eat these instead by the time they get through it'll be your mother's problem all of them in 20 minutes right yep then can I have the ice cream uhoh what's the Oompa Loompa doing here on a weekday he got suspended from school why isn't he with his mother uh Judith had a little lipo suction yesterday and she needs to stay in bed until she stops leaking fat yeah I hate it when that happens so what did the melon head do oh it's a long story ah worth a thousand words come on Charlie let's go hang on I'm not done yet oh will you leave the seagulls alone for crying out loud so you like making fun of girls with big boobs [Laughter] not anymore oh come on Melissa how long are you going to keep punishing me for this okay okay uh once again uh I did not technically have sex with your mother you want to catch me up well you know Alan was nailing his receptionist right yeah apparently she caught him in bed with her mother what do you know I've been calling him that for years and now he's up and done it I I was not responsible for my actions I was stoned out of my mind you know that excuse has never once worked for me be either cops or boyfriends hey hey hey your mother put enough pot in that banana bread to treat every case of glaucoma in the San Fernando Valley I have a recipe for macaroons very similar I was so high I didn't even know who she was we were just colors I was red she was blue we were trying to make purple iy my phone's dead could I borrow your cell sure it's on the coffee table you let me talk okay so so bottom line I was drugged and molested by your mother and I'm the bad guy man how many times have I heard you make this phone call yeah who'd have thought of the two of us I'd be the one to end up in a healthy stable relationship who is Rachel and why is she sending you topless photos um yeah who just thought so what do you want to do this weekend doesn't matter just as long as you and I are together what did you do I didn't do anything why would you even ask me that I'm guessing he either robbed a liquor store or killed a Drifter do I need to call your mother and ask her if you want to but you know how she pushes your buttons I'll take that chance I don't care all right all right I got thrown off the school bus you got the spine of a gummy bear why are we thrown off the bus well actually it's a funny story amus me have you ever heard of this thing called [Music] mooning yeah yeah it rings a bell the bus was going past the girl's track team and a bunch of us thought it'd be funny to Moon him see she gets that's it Bera sorry I'm just remembering my prom so what happened well I was working near the high school that night and I thought it would be fun to drive the back not you him well excuse me for sharing what happened well it sounds like B had quite a problem you skating on thin ice Jake boy that's something we haven't done in a long time Skating Jake mom grounded me for 2 weeks why didn't your mother tell me about this I promis I'd tell you what can I say she believed me so how about a movie a little fatherson bonding no no no movies skating no skating fine also no TV no video games no cell phones and no iPods nothing that gives you any amusement or enjoyment could you just smack me with a belt and get it over with get out of here I'm B where did your mom getting in anytime now she's on her way up from San Diego oh hey is Jake's room ready I did what I could it still has kind of a Teenage stink to it maybe I should put her in Allen's room oh no that smells like failure in foot powder is that mistletoe yes well bring it Santa oh Merry Christmas to me you know they make belt buckles with mistletoe on them you're kidding check your stocking so listen uh I want to give you a nice Christmas bonus what do you think it make you happy check your damn stocking and put on the Buckle how about 3 weeks pay and another kiss on the cheek do I get to pick the cheek Merry Christmas Merry Christmas I love Christmas in Malibu I just saw Santa Claus smoking a joint on the beach that's just crazy Dawn he's a homeless guy with a beard who ask girls to sit on his lap and try to find the North Pole this came for you pretty sure it's from Jake he spelled Malibu m a l i b o o oh no actually it's m boobs put little nipples on the O's I just can't get used to Christmas without them it's just not the same remember how I used to screw up Christmas carols shark named her not sing let's all go to Burger [Music] King oh look he sent a note oh here we go uh Hey guys uh sorry I can't be there I am having a lot of fun in Japan uh Christmas is very commercial here sometimes I think they don't even remember it's Santa's birthday I hope you enjoy this little homemade holiday treat oh oh maybe baked this cookies oh dear lord it's Sushi oh man well at least he tried he packed him in ice well it's better than the time he sent us those Easter eggs and that poor poor bunny did you know your body doesn't J disc corn goes out the same way it comes in it's like a little bookmark in your poop did they teach you that at school nope it's the powers of of observation Jake it's not dinner conversation you're right it's dinner conversation see what happens when you don't hit your kids hey something smells good meatloaf great I love meatloaf well you should make some I'll give you the recipe you didn't make enough for me I'm not your Chef is that so how did you cook the meatloaf in the oven aha my oven what's your point my point uh oh don't put me in the middle I love you both my point is I'm hungry and I want meatloaf yeah well I'm Allan and I want respect I think I got a better chance of getting meatloaf come here Alan sit down I've made you some tea what did you just call me Allan well that's your name isn't it yeah but you always call me Zippy I know but I've got a little rule I never make fun of someone who could come back and haunt me sugar or honey thought we decided on Allen Ellen are you warm enough you want me to turn up the heat I'm F okay why don't you just lay down uh no really I'm good I've been in bed for a week do it for me uh okay but let me just point out that that never works when I say it to you guess what while you're in the hospital I aced all my final exams really I don't believe it I told you he wouldn't buy it wait wait wait you you lied to me uh I told him to I thought the truth might kill you but there is some real good news what's that I found out for sure I'm not gay why is that good news it's mostly good news for gay people you know that's my juice I know you could at least ask you could at least pay rent to sh that's a bookie or a woman you know what to say Harper residence sorry he's dead interesting no one ever calls back to find out where to send flowers to [ __ ] how's the feel to go a whole week without booze broads or Bing it's actually kind of a relief I never realized how much effort it took to avoid feeling anything yeah what are you feeling now so far mostly nausea and boredom to [ __ ] you don't know what that means do you not a clue hey if girls with big boobs work at Hooters where the girls with only one leg work at IH [Laughter] [Applause] that's is cruel actually it's kind of funny yeah cuz they got one leg they have to hop I hop tipping your waitress takes on a whole new meaning not that funny I know why are you laughing so much I don't know Dad something's wrong with Uncle Charlie yes I am calling about the $2.5 million in unclaimed royalties for Charlie Harper uh uh good news uh I have just received the death certificate from France uh it's in French and everything so you know it's real oh oh sure I'll hold uh cause the dece um [Music] uh train oh yes yes I'm still here what it's already been claimed by whom was it an older red-headed woman wearing a coat made of dalmations what do you mean you can't tell me a numbered account in the Cayman Islands that makes no sense FedEx just dropped off a box address to Charlie uh I'll call you back if that's a blowup sex doll can I have it my grandkids need a pool toy Cuban cigars Charlie's favorite smokes single malt scotch Charlie's favorite breakfast what the hell looks like the knife he used to chase you around the house with [Laughter] yeah that's it I'm coming home and you're going to pay that's got to be a wrong number you never pay for anything okay I'm out of here hey baa did you hear the news about Mom yeah she joined the Mormon church so she can get a rent control department and Salt Lake City Oh you mean your mom no we're getting a new dad he's great his name is Teddy he took us to a boxing match he bought us prostitutes and gelato well congratulations I'm real happy for you boys thanks I think my news was far more interesting so Charlie how long have you been seeing this lovely woman uh how long has it been sweetie are you telling me you don't remember when we met the way he drinks there's a good chance he doesn't remember coming down the stairs did his father Drake what choice did he have Charlie don't be snug and stand up straight this is so weird well really must run oh me too can I walk you out oh how nice are you sure you don't want to stay and finish putting on your makeup that's okay I'm done would you like to borrow some no thanks I'm allergic to the drugstore brands what and they call you slow you're kidding right you you don't see it see what Lydia and Mom what about them come on Charlie the only difference between those two broads as you came out of one and whoa whoa whoa whoa you think Lydia's like Mom no we think Lydia is Mom okay okay you guys are nuts this conversation is over who calls me slow I just had a little procedure what kind of procedure they sucked some fat out of her ass and shot it under her lips what did they do use the whole ass they're just a little swollen in two days they'll be plump luscious and ready for action what boy doesn't like hearing that from his mother Charlie I I need to sit down got you covered I I I thought I thought you said it was a woman thing you know any guys dumb enough to do this good Lord what did you do F to beehive [Laughter] fate I read I can conjugate man the last time I saw a mouth like that it was trying to eat Jac custo this journal is unbelievable you weren't thinking of publishing it are you what of course not why well I'm shopping around my own Charlie Memoir it's called man hor it's catchy but there was more to Charlie than we thought I mean listen to this um I just sent a girl home who told me she loved me and I can't even remember her name what is wrong with me that I just have Anonymous drunken encounters night after night do I drink to fill the loneliness or to hide from the horror I've become you know I I feel awful that I I lived with him for so long and I didn't recognize his pain I remember her name is Rachel I feel better now I'll reward myself with some cocaine and an Asian hooker end of vanera huh Charlie yep from now on no brother no Nephew just the sounds of the ocean punctuated by the soft voices of prostitutes lying about the enormity of my sexual organ you do know how to paint a picture what can I say I am the heart of a poet unfortunately the rest of you is a drunken scun bag cheers hello don't move don't breathe [Music]

Channel: Two and a Half Men

Views: 594,786

Keywords: twoandahalfmen, tv, funny, charlie sheen, two and a half men, jon cryer, alan harper, charlie harper, walden schmidt, ashton kutcher, conchata ferrell, holland taylor, evelyn harper, jake harper, angus t jones

Id: T4r71uo84Ao

Length: 73min 17sec (4397 seconds)

Published: Fri May 17 2024