I am living life to the fullest. If anything, I am the
opposite of a misogynist. I'm a pro-sogynist Boy, I know how to pick em’, don’t I? You drink milk? Just with cereal. Okay. Not that milk. That milk. What's the difference? That's dairy farm. We drink dairy barn. Fine. Happy? Why would I be happy? It's just milk. Cute. Keep it up. You'll be on one of the cartons Okay, cereal. We got Lucky Charms, Cocoa Puffs,
Frosted Flakes, Maple Loops. I don't want Maple Loops.
It's got oats and corn and wheat. It's a Swedish breakfast treat. It's maple. Maple, maple- licious You know who wrote that song? Your Uncle Charlie wrote that? No lie? Kid, if I was going to lie, I’d say
I wrote Stairway to Heaven, not the Maple Loop song. You two are really good together. Thank you. So, does your wife sing, too? Oh, no, I'm not married. What a shame. Wow. You're even better than a dog. Time to go, get your stuff together. Hey, after you drop him off at his mom's.
You want to see a movie? Sure. That sounds good. Cool. Enjoy. Why did you just tell me
you've got a girl coming over? I don't want to rub your nose in it.
Thanks. She's gorgeous, by the way. Wonderful. Why are you putting Jake's stuff
all over the house? Because I want this girl to see. I'm not just another jerk
trying to get her into bed. I'm a loving uncle who's
trying to get her into bed. That's the loving part. Oh, this is the book
I read to him at bedtime. You don't read it to Jake. That's why you're going to the movies. Okay. Ready to go? Hey, is your skateboard
still out by the front door? Oh, sorry. I'll bring it in. No, no, no. Leave it there. Should I do this thing where I kind of
trip over it, then I b**** a little bit. You know, I'm. I'm harried, but lovable. You got everything? Yep. What about your schoolbooks? Oh, right. So, what time are you expecting
Little Red Riding Hood? Oh, and I'm the big, bad wolf. Very clever. And not a bad game to play later. Little huffing and puffing and blowing. That's the Three Little Pigs. Same wolf though, right? Okay, I got my school books.
And your homework? Oh. You know, Charlie,
if you took half the energy you put into manipulating
casual sexual encounters and use it to actually build
a relationship, you'd be a lot happier. Hard to imagine. Are you
saying you never want to settle down? You mean get married? I tell you, some bunky. If you've got someone to clean your house
and do your shopping and you're getting some action on a regular basis,
the only reason you need a wife is if you have some sick compulsion
to give away half your stuff. What about kids? I already got one. And the best part is he leaves
before we get sick of each other. Right, dude? Right, dude. Busy. I don't care. Open the door. I've got company. I know. And her husband's downstairs. Really? You're married? Yeah. I'm not in. You have to come downstairs
and deal with him. No, I don't. Yes, you do. I disagree. It's not up for debate. He knows you're up here. Oh, man, I hate when this happens. This happens a lot? Not a lot, but enough to be a drag. Charlie, are you coming back to bed? Yes. Yes. No. Yes. There's an angry husband
in your living room. How angry? Is he packing? What? Does he have a weapon. He has a stick. That's not good. And I can lose an eye. Charlie. Fine. I'll wrap it up. Here. Give me 20 minutes. Oh, no. I have a better idea. Wrap it up now. 10 minutes? Now! We’ve got 5 minutes. Let's see. One Russian blonde, one Scottish brunette, and a full bodied
redhead from Napa Valley. Charlie's Angels. You were talking to my son about sex? He came to me with a cupcake problem. I-- I thought it was about sex. I was using cupcakes as a metaphor. Jeez, the kid got it. Okay, walk me through the metaphor. Some little girl gave him a cupcake,
so -- Okay, okay stop. So gave him a cupcake, are we talking baked goods
or are we talking some new hip hop slang? Baked goods. I told him it was okay to enjoy the cupcake without feeling
emotionally obligated to the girl. So, in essence,
you just told my son it's okay to have sex with a girl
without having any feelings towards her. Lucky for us, she asked me stuff
I know about. There's no us here. There's no lucky. That's a terrible lesson.
I could have done 20 minutes just on licking the icing,
but I took the high road. Okay, okay, enough. Here's the deal. From now on, all cupcake conversations
will be referred to me. Why? You know the difference
between a ding dong and your elbow. Nevertheless, I do not want him learning
about relationships from a misogynist. A misogynist? You're saying I'm a misogynist? Yes, Charlie, you are a misogynist. I'm a misogynist. I'm a misogynist. That is really low, Alan,
Calling your own brother a misogynist G-I-N or G-E-N? G - Y - N. Thanks. I do not hate women. Oh, come on, Charlie. If anything,
I am the opposite of a misogynist. I'm a pro-sogynist. I love women. Oh, is that so? Even if there's no possibility
of having sex with them? What? Exactly. And it is precisely that attitude
that I do not want my son to grow up with. Okay. Okay. Hold it just a second. So you'd rather he grow up to be like you? Scared of women? Manipulated by women? That's not true. Oh, please. Look at your ex-wife. Say what you want about me. But at least I've never chosen
have women in my life who do nothing but mistreat me. Hey, stud. I don't know what kind of sick,
twisted party you had in your bedroom last couple of days,
but I sure as hell ain't cleaning it up. That is different. Way different. Don't you realize that our souls are now
bound together, destined to writhe ecstatically
in blessed hellfire for all eternity? Boy, I know how to pick em’ dont I? Charlie. Do you remember the vows
you took last night? Vow? You took vows?
What kind of vows? If you'll shut up, maybe we'll find out. You vowed unending
fealty to the sisterhood of the coven. Did that. Why would you do that? Will you please shut up? I did that. Why would I do that? Did you think of all those beautiful women were pleasuring you
because of your boyish charm? Well, no, not. Not, not. Not all of them. I. I just figured after the first three
or four word of mouth started to spread. Wait, wait. Now, how
many women are we talking about here? I don't know. Nine, ten, 13. The sacred number and a personal best for me. So how are you feeling? It depends. What day is it? Saturday. Oh, well, in that case, I feel great. Why? In that case, if it was Thursday,
I'd be a little worried. I don't want Charlie. You've been pushing it pretty hard lately.
What do you mean? I mean, you're not a kid anymore.
Oh, please. I'm in the best shape of my life that doesn't belong inside of me. It takes a lot of girls me out. But wow. Well, hey, get your stuff together. I'm going to bring it back to your mom's. Tell you something, Alan. You're only as young
as the women you feel. And lately, I've been feeling about 24, 24. And she doesn't think I'm old. And she thinks I'm cute and fun.
And rich. And the rich helps. I'm not that cute. Okay, fine. I understand the allure,
the nectar of the young berry. But I also know what happens
when you burn a candle at both ends. How would you know that? Did you take
a candle making class at the learning annex? Hey, I have done my share of walking
on the wild side. The wild side. Okay, the rambunctious side. My point is,
there comes a time in a man's life when he has to start
accepting his limitations. Yeah, well,
my point is, the day you start accepting limitations is the day you start dying. And I'm not dying, my friend. I am living life to the fullest. Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to go throw up and take a nap. Hey Alan -- I've figured
out what went wrong in seventh grade. What? I hadn't started drinking yet. Charlie, you have to get out there. Right? Bastards. Wait. Can't sue him if he just stinks. Right? [Screaming kids] Who loves kids? You’re damn right! [Kids laughing] That ones not on the CD. Let's try this again. I drink from the sippy cups and sippy cup. I drink from a sippy cup. Cause, I'm a big kid now. Come on. I drink from a sippy cup,
sippy cup, sippy cup. I drink from a sippy cup, cause
I’m a big kid now How can they love him? Who cares? We're going to make a fortune. Doesn't it bother you that he's loaded? He's a musician. It’d both me if he wasn't. Who loves boobies? Lord. You blessed me with a lot more money
than I know what to do With a beautiful home
and a surprisingly resilient liver. You'll have truly given unto me with both hands. Which brings me to my request. Of all the gifts you've bestowed
upon me, none are a greater testament to your glory
than Chelsea's heavenly breasts. I don't know why you couldn't
have thrown in a sturdy spine so she could tote those things around. But, who am I to question your methods? Anyway, you probably know
that she's thinking about tampering with your great work,
and I was just hoping that you could, you know, talk to her,
return her to the path of righteousness and bodaciousness. Amen. Oh, one more thing. Sorry, we haven't talked recently, but I had a little crisis of faith
after last year's Super Bowl. Water under the bridge. What you looking at? Nothing, really. Really. So the beautiful girls playing
volleyball completely escaped your eye? I see ‘em, you perv. The little hottie in the tank
top is checking you out. I know. Now, please go away Why don’t you go down there and talk to her? I can't. Why not? I got a girlfriend. Oh, buddy you can't call the posters
in your room, Girlfriends? No, I'm talking about Celeste. I'm in a committed relationship. What are you talking about? You're 13. I'm 15. Who cares? You're too young
for a committed relationship. I'm 40, and I'm barely ready. You're 42. What is it with you and numbers? Let me ask you something. Where is Celeste right now? She's spending Christmas
with her mom in Brentwood. So what? Your life just stops
when she's gone. That's the deal we made. Listen to me. If you want to go talk to the beach girl,
you've got every right to do so. You sure? I don't think so. Don't worry about it. Just go talk to her. Can I borrow ten bucks?
Why? If she shoots me
down, that I can go buy a couple corndogs. She's not going to shoot you down. Yeah, but now I got a taste for corndogs. Just go. What if she wants a corn dog?
She's about to meet one. Now get out of here. Do I look okay? Jake. She waved at you. She smiled. Clearly, her standards aren't that high. Right. Thanks. I turned 42. Son of a b****. Hey, I am an organ donor. Good for me.
