Celebrities Voice GEOFF PETERSON - Angela Kinsey, Jason Schwarzman, Larry King & More

[Music] I'm a little worried yeah thanks for your support I'm a little worried I don't know if you're aware of this but Jeff is undergoing some repairs at the moment so we are trying out various different personality chips for the next two weeks so Jeff will not necessarily be his normal self tonight is that right Jeff that's absolutely right yes I see Jeff this evening you seem to be sort of English yes I I picked up the e chip from the e file how did you manage to oh did you manage to pick it up Jeff using your one arm that only goes up and down that much it's a very small file it has to be a very small file that was right there yes they say so you're English you but you have no emotions or you have emotions no I'm English it speaks for its high [Applause] given that you have no emotions are angry shy sexually repressed no it's only sexual harassment if the robot isn't cute is your mouth working all right I'm slightly concerned we're laying a badly dubbed Jackie Chan movie right now I'm breaking in a new boy did you just think that and I heard who you heard it all right join us after this with new English Jeff do you follow the sex candles English Jeff always you follow them in the newspaper you still read the newspapers I of course yes yeah do you read English newspapers or American newspapers does it matter of course it matters how are you going to get the latest news on the Kardashians from an English newspaper they don't nothing the Kardashians are all over the place really yes so they have the Kardashians in England yes I see how do you feel about that I don't I'm a robot yes I'm familiar with what you are I'm just I I thought you might have some kind of emotion you have no emotions at all no you managed to say that without moving your motto facing i'm economizing oh you're economizing are ya economy of movement that's what makes you a great actor Jeff I see he's proving me right economizing yeah listen normally what we do at this point in the show but you probably don't know this because of the chip you've gotten at the moment but normally Jeff you will introduce the commercial break you feel up to that absolutely right we just look over here as opposed to the place where you're looking over there Luke oh look over here yeah and then just you know introduce the commercial break it whatever way you feel comfortable doing know don't forget to come back after the commercial break [Applause] [Music] the show wherever it's great tonight they're so nice to the usual part but we're trying out different personality tips on Jeff and things are going great so far are you ready Jeff yes that's good that's what regular Jeff does [Music] I I'm a little flummoxed I've never regular Jeff has never been able to hit the high notes well maybe a bad Baja [Music] has he been replaced by Croatian job now that's jive talk in England Oh doc in England say it again it sounds a tight like word for scrutiny cream it's a tiny bit things to do all right well you know what time is though yes it's time for emails and tweets [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] Parker [Applause] all right this is from Chuck in Tulsa Oklahoma Tulsa Oklahoma I've never been to Tulsa Oklahoma no you say that like you've been to another Tulsa that wasn't in Oklahoma no Tulsa it sounds like some sort of skin rash that's a completely different place have you ever been to skin rash Yeah right no that made me smile inwardly oh yeah that doesn't help that much all right this is from Chuck he says hi Craig and Jeff my wife and I are looking to buy a pet and we can only afford one she wants a cat I want a dog how can we compromise Jeff cat or a dog person what do you think dog every time really well get a dog do you like one with four legs and you don't like cats at all or you just like them slightly less than dogs I find cats impulsive you can trust a dog by the trusted to do what you can't you can't trust it to drive your kids to school nobody can fetch and carry and a cat won't know well I can't do that ever tried telling a cat what to do yeah liar everybody's skin rash Oklahoma have you in a way I feel some tension between us can't be some slack it's my first day alright alright this is Roman Adrian in Chattanooga Tennessee everybody Tennessee you got a little place I'd like to go swim and get naked through a piece of people oh yeah all right snapping thing isn't it well get naked in certain beads appears I understand no no it it's a people thing man people like to get naked through beads of people and go swimming I can't go swimming yeah of course sorry about that my bowls would rust you look like you were in skin rash Oklahoma this is kind of fun yeah all right hey Craig on Jeff I'm a typical American kid gee willikers that's great for you my parents just got a job in Brussels and I have to move there with them any tips on how to adjust over there well are you in luck we have a European ship and Jeff for this very purpose Jeff how would a young American get fed in Belgium not very well I say CBS guess this is from Bjorn and Rekha Vic Iceland huh though I didn't know we've been out in Reykjavik Iceland that's all on the computer they have a computer and ice have you ever been to Iceland No I feel I'm keeping you from something Jack I'm bolted to this podium oh yeah is that code and bolted to this podium dear Craig we are glad that you mentioned our beloved city and country whenever you introduce the big cash price that's due why what made you choose us Wow you're speaking for the entire country of Iceland I chose you because one reason sigur rós a great band full of lovely Tweety noises we've had sigur rós from iceland I love them oh they're great honey the baby come on sing with me jab [Applause] [Music] [Applause] nothing like them they're good though aren't they marvelous yeah this is from Katie in Buffalo New York everybody Buffalo New York Buffalo it's my favorite place why Buffalo would you like about Buffalo the weather the delicious wings I was assembled in Buffalo I think we've all been assembled in Buffalo I was assembled in skin rash Oklahoma no I thought you were from San Francisco oh right I moved there but my bits and pieces were put together in Buffalo you must have gone to the same bar I dead dad Katie in Buffalo is a Deer Creek and Jeff my fiancee and I are planning our honeymoon trip any suggestions on a romantic place where we can consummate our marriage Oh Jeff where's you tell six perhaps I was thinking more something you remember for a long time what about a dumpster I'm dare you go I didn't really mean a dumbster hiding to the perfect place skin rash oh go over this is Romanian Grants Pass Oregon you ever been there no okay hi Craig and Jeff Jeff perhaps my chips been replaced hi Craig and Jeff my blind date tomorrow night is an Indian food restaurant anything I should avoid everything huh everything everything yeah no you probably know they say I love Indian food I do do you like Indian for it yes really what's your favorite Indian food to ate skeleton robots broken gosht with a vindaloo sauce smeared all over there yeah yeah you probably want to avoid just meeting yourself with a vendor loose or so you really will end up in skin rash Oklahoma all right this is from Josh in Springfield Massachusetts who says I hate Craig and Jeff I like the saying an oldie but a goodie can you please work that into the show well I think that's uh that's kind of an opening but uh oh but a goodie [Applause] hey it's fun to watch a grown man sweat even if it's not porn this one John in San Diego California says hi cricket Jeff my girlfriend likes us both to wear high heels while we're having sex huh is this weird no sir it's awesome this is from me me and Denver Colorado ever been at Denver Colorado yes I have how do you enjoy it I loved it oh that's nice do you like the high altitude fun I was in a boot of a car at the time ah a boot do you say that's what we call in America the trunk of a car oh yes forgive me I do know you you like it in the trunk though don't you I like it too the trunk [Music] [Applause] oh I did well the net yeah not just reaching you now is it dear GP in the ferret mites you and me my fiancé's mom speaks Russian should I learn to speak it to know what she's talking about seems a bit extreme do you speak Russian Geoff duh I see anything else spasiba [Music] no I got nothing oh that amuses you does well Jeff we done well asteroids are the commercial break I think we'll be fine don't forget to come back yo yo welcome back we'll just be a minute you're doing great just I want you to just try and loosen up a little more just that move the arm up and down a little more than something down up and down up yeah yeah try and move your mouth at the same time as you're talking yes yes that's pretty much you could try moving your head from side to side side to side yeah yeah and talk talk and move your head talk and move my head very very good I don't think I can do that it's almost like I read your songs my next I tell you I can't tell you how pleasant is to have an American Jeff sitting in front of me but I can't even like in the new English jet let's go it's just for one night it's just for one night we're trying out different things just for one night he's hip on the Kardashians every word is one martini do you have fun the Kardashians I am now thanks to Jeff no [Music] well how do you think it went died I think it went very well I think of it very well too I was very I was I was you know it was cautious at first I was a little scared were you well I was because I thought you know the tension between Scotland and England Isis would somehow manifest itself you know here in the New World wait a minute that sounds an awful lot like old Jeff in there I suppose are still some Jeff floating around as though yes there's some little bits of Jeff inside I'm picking it up on my chip I see but we call them in the States fries have you been in America mom no not long mm long enough to be dubbed I see yes but I've learned something tonight have you I've learned some new words yes what are they boner yes I have none lesbian oh wow there's that yeah well so let's be enrolled right there that's what they said it's good they said when they come here there is that near skin rash Oklahoma no no no well it depends on the individual there's been involved but I I think this skin rash probably is I bet you I'll bet you there's a town in the United States called skin rash oh I'm sure there is yes yes and I'll bet you that tone has got a mirror Mears cratchit of skin rash appears rats and I bet you mayor scratch it of skin rash Oklahoma's gonna get touch with us and he's gonna say why don't you bring the show to skin ratio of Oklahoma and we'll say well in a way we've always really been down right Jeff absolutely right you did a fantastic job buddy thank you so much saying may I call you Craig yeah thank you great thank you English Jeff say good night to the folks good night everyone sometimes I feel like I don't know who you're gonna be from one day to the next sexy though isn't it deny it doesn't have a certain allure every time I see you you've got a slightly different personality for the next you know two weeks or so yeah as if you go home to a different wife every night different robot every day different wife at night like a dream isn't it no no I'd be awful I want the same wife every night yeah love you baby hell are you doing man a private conversation and then you suddenly say it in front of 10 viewers I look at me what I'm talking to you thank you you intimidate me i intimidate you here is your eyes your reanimated dead skeleton with papillote blue eyes I'm I'm just a creepy foreigner how could i but if I didn't anything threatening towards you all you need to do is move half a feet away and there's nothing I can do damn well let's try it come on in alright put them up your Geritol I love it come on I'll bite your legs up no no you won't no you won't have it just unplug you yeah that's a good point that's actually code hello say hello again hello got a second time you know you know good with the two syllable words are you know I'm terrible with two syllable words example how are you with longer words what like antidisestablishmentarianism did you really say that or did I just think it I think it's not weed again isn't it yeah well I think it's gonna be a weird one tonight [Applause] Hey so Jeff who are you tonight the new chip one still me yeah no just throw you but you sound different again you said early no different well that's next year sexier I don't know letting someone who do something in the bedroom that would be kind of gymnastic well how could you beat him nothing you only one of your arms most it moves in a very gymnastic way they hey that inflate porn that might work for you due to the captain in the copilot get a chance to watch the porn or is that prohibited well it depends I suppose oh and whether there's an autopilot or not yeah probably be a nightmare when the landing wouldn't yeah you'd probably want to be in cruise when you [Laughter] your mouth seems to be working much better in conjunction with your voice tonight than it was last night yeah we fired the guy from that was just you thinking while I was saying wait was I thinking what you were saying or was i hearing what you were thinking excellent point who's this man who's been smoking tonight meal you why wasn't me because I was down at the Criminal Justice Center all day well maybe I just thought I was smoking that's pretty some strong stuff if you just thought you were smoking it hey have you ever been if you ever done jury you know I never done jury duty because as you know I don't have a hard doing there are lawyers thrown there you think any other okay I kind of gave you that one didn't it yeah hello little Bay you want to do the oh yeah let's do it well you see you just thought again okay I'm gonna have to get a new guy in you said that before alright well do the thing that the commercial break right you that's the commercial break over there ready yes ladies and gentlemen now would be an excellent science go to the bathroom but if you do go to the bathroom wash your hands you filthy humans [Applause] [Music] the show where we were celebrating tonight the I go to jury duty [Music] - to fill the entire studio with people who also we're at court today laughs or you're going back there you ready Jeff [Music] nice I like it nice touch what time would it be Jeffrey Peters it's time for eats and Thuy mails sponsored by the National mispronunciation Society or the S well the SNP n cause it's known [Music] read me a bill [Music] as [Applause] [Music] all right this is from Paul and Clearwater Florida you ever been in Clearwater Florida I've got a little place they'd like to go swim and get naked with people what the hell man you usually join in there why the hell am I keep going to myself I like alligators they're from Florida on there are some alligators from Florida there are alligators from other areas yes they're lucky they don't think it's you know watery and warm its water in warm and other places too true and there are no alligators there I hope I meant in my pants in your pants that thing that you always used to say before you know we've had these other new chip in so in my pants is you know sometimes it comes and goes you know we'll get there we'll get there eventually we'll get there eventually give me time give me time I've given you time pay my pan all right listen Paul in Clearwater Florida says dear Craig on Jeff I am thinking about quitting my job in accounting and moving into a career in law enforcement my wife's not too happy about it any tips on how to persuade her grow a mustache that's what women like grow mustaches she'll be yours forever right Jeff yeah girl missed Ashba Movember it's Movember isn't it do you know about Movember know what small vember Movember is where men grow mustaches throughout November to raise awareness about prostate cancer March or a parade or yeah you could talk about it or you know write about it but I mean I think it's a good idea to grow a mustache whatever I see someone with the mustaches don't go oh that's right I better have a prostate check that that just makes that well actually no as I think about it in a way I suppose I sometimes think that if it's Tom Selleck's mustache I tried growing a mustache once here on the show and people were outraged what you do is because you don't know we grow a mustache when you've grown one throughout November people go oh look at you you grown a mustache and you go yes I've grown a mustache to commemorate well not commemorate but raise awareness of prostate takes me more than a month to grow a mustache really yes I've got a very feeble hair huh you should rub your facial hair in whale sputum don't do that it doesn't grow very much works for me actually it doesn't you don't have a mustache this is room Elizabeth in Green Bay Wisconsin you ever been a greenway this girl's got a little place that like most women love the cat love the Packers I originally said but the Packers know I love the cockers as all right hello Craig and Jeff I told my boyfriend he's put on a little weight too much for someone so short I think I crossed the line did I you bet you did yeah you may get shanked that's the kind of talk that I come up with know I've been down at the criminal justice center right Jeff you got a cold steely glazed have tonight I've got prison eyes the hide in a hacksaw in your bum hell man anyway then Mitch in Raleigh North Collins says a Craig my roommate is a new girl almost every night and it's getting out of hand how do I tell him to kill it oh I think that's called jealousy yeah that's exactly what that's cold Jeff it's called jealousy I'm thinking of getting a spider web tattoo here what do you think brilliant idea right up here now give me that real prison-house look Billy spider web tattoo up here maybe a grenade here and then I thought I would have eyes tattooed on my hands so that when I'm asleep the other corns I'll think I'm still awake yet be he'll call you crazy eyes lazy eyes I'll be like here comes crazy I'll be like you have to imagine the crazy eyes painted on oh I can imagine it alright good in my pants [Applause] [Music] [Applause] well you're a quick study all right I know there are times it's just one more all right one more two more three more I'll just get through the law um then we're out of time I know all right this is from a brand Overland Park Kansas says hi Craig and Jeff I'm scheduled for jury duty next week any helpful tips yeah yeah pretend to be Scottish guys by the web touch yeah this is from Pamela and Dover Delaware says to Craig and Jeff what do you do when you have the whole house to yourself Jeff I like to just lie down and think about life is that code yeah okay this is from my and Maple Grove Minnesota hi Craig a woman in a parking lot asked me to drive her around to find her car I asked her afterwards and she said yes is this crazy there's a little weird X there do you think I mean I think there's different ways to find dates nowadays and you know anytime a one-word answer yeah yeah okay hi Craig and Jeff and your relationship experience do you think the opposites really attract or do they have to be some commonalities don't care ah this one time in Melbourne Australia you ever been in Australia I've got a little place a little bit this is from Tom in Melbourne Australia hi Craig one of my good friends farewell parties is coming up soon do you have any ideas for a good gift on a budget Kelly yellow what yellow yeah that's pretty good gift how much though well how much jello yeah Lita hey you're an American Oh buddy six fluid ounces that's not right [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] but a big guy spray you know we should have some music for that should we I'm so happy that robot did not say a single word during my segment I'm very shy okay oh did you say hi to or Jeff hi Jeff Hi Larry how I not bad not bad the hell is there something going on I should know about you girlfriends yeah we've we get together off-camera it's none of anybody's business [Music] I think we learned that Jeff and Laurence block are having a relationship yeah he he likes my naked patella you are my naked exposed patella who's that it's like an Italian dish oh yeah is that the one with the seafood yeah yeah squid ink squid ink yeah I think I think that's Russian for finished squid ink Oh squid ink oh you spoke Russian da really any know any other Russian works woman was the coolest new voice new bus it's basically you just trying to talk yeah that's what they like if you just say I don't speak Russian boy there you go that'll do that'll be enough for us it's like when you go to a different country if you can't speak the language do you know English in the accent that it sounds like when they speak it and they understand you so for example you go to France you go a lot easier a nice dough bear fries they're like oh he's lacking you are from here I think I think we both learned a lot and I haven't we yes we have will you take me home later no good night everybody a lot of people say to me Craig please put your pants on and I do and a lot of people have been asking me recently they say Creek what's going on with Jeff something's going on with Jeff we want old Jeff back look old Jeff will be coming back the thing as the essential maintenance is being conducted on Jeff's innards and so every night for the next two weeks he will have a different personality it was a big hit in that sure that's just been canceled hey forget that one's called yes for example tonight Jeff seems to be gay in Spanish I'm afraid I don't speak that that was me saying yes to both of the things I say so tonight Jeff your personality takes on that of a fabulous Spanier to see I see well this is gonna be fantastic are you actually from Spain itself when did you come to the United States yeah I'm I am the leaf I'm the Leafs famous brother of Antonio Banderas you're Antonio Banderas is robot skeleton brother this is unpardonable I don't like these is I have a in Spain they call me Chloe Bandera far too small to be a Chloe [Music] no that was out of line she's not an accent do it's just somebody's on TV she's not a Whore so she's a parallel legitimate target that's it no that was that was court Chloe that was job is CEM she's awesome she's amazing yes she is oh shoot why you're just went funny yeah yeah well lerton aww then you fall down I'm gonna lie down on that well anyway look we have to get on day you know what we do here is from point Antonio Banderas is gay Spanish brother is that's right please Chloe break and then we'll be right back did you like that movie whoever you are tonight Jeff si me gusta so you like Kevin coastal edge Spanish sounding yeah yeah yeah they like ever cut the road I like him so much crazy Jeff I like this new you you seem to be very positive and upbeat this is the chip from Barcelona [Applause] nice I love Barcelona is one of my favorite cities I enjoy the tapas do you enjoy the town yeah I like the top off I like the bottom up I like I'm bored so you're still a fan of the double entendre then even although your Spanish might not be your fire yeah I don't know what that means I don't speak Spanish that's okay you just need good times teach me how to say it teach me next part is be ready ha [Laughter] I can't do that no no no just legally I'm not allowed to do that yet now you're gonna be a citizen for ten years before you go fear you're just to go two years - yes yeah how long how long have you been a citizen I think I'm still resident alien you most certainly are alright would you like to introduce the commercial break yes time for the pepper - ah here comes already nowadays commercial break [Applause] [Music] welcome back to the show where today Jeff is not Jeff he isn't fight boy Banderas hey hey you know what's happening on the show on Friday on Friday the author of this book small town girl is gonna be here which is nice her name is Linda Cunningham and she's my mother-in-law which is great and in no way is that and in no way is that why she's booked on the show but the thing is I read the book which I don't normally do my guy all right I read it it's filthy all in here in fact we've invited some celebrities to read from it take a look it gets much dirtier than that page 58 do you read erotic romance novels there Jeff I mean Chloe yeah sometimes I listen to them on audiobook who's your favorite person to listen to when the reading on the audiobooks the sexy voiced actors like who was the guy that played the owl in winner pool that guy's voice that guy's voice could just undress me with his voice he could just ping me down with the ground with his voice what would that wonderful thing be I don't know if I ever meet that guy I swear if that is your name you sound a little bit like Al Pacino in Scarface on helium [Laughter] all right what time is it Chloe Peterson time to do email so email this is uh this is uh this is from Clare in Minneapolis Minnesota you ever been to Minneapolis there Khloe oh yeah cause I have no idea what he's saying I apologize I know that people watch this show for his lack of accents why you saying I'm not getting any of this what did you say I thought I cooked that what you think I don't know what you're saying yes I feel fine [Laughter] I think I hear you laughing out of your nose there I just pass wind is that part of the essential maintenance is going on in your energies that's right it's called a reboot all right well this is from Claire in Minneapolis Minnesota dear Craig and Chloe um will you host the Oscars no the Eddie Murphy is out not that anyone's asked me but if they did I'd say sacre bleu oh you're just saying that cuz they they won't ask you and you're right this is from Max and Pasadena in California ever been to Pasadena California I got a little place say I'd like to go swimming oh yeah I got a craftman out there it's nice you have a craftsman pasady belong to Antonio and a melanie if their place so you tonio and Melanie's craftsman in Pasadena that's right they don't know about it but I'm there they might hear about it dear Craig and Chloe I accidentally called my girlfriend by the wrong name earlier today how do I recover from this grow moustache right there all right this is from Kathy and Latrobe in in America Pennsylvania with having the trophy ever been a little true Pennsylvania oh no I'm against notice here we go see hi Creek Jeff who's a Chloe and the secretary [Applause] [Music] [Music] that's it that we're done I accidentally dropped the emails you ever accidentally drop something there Jeff Chloe Oh that's right that's like the worst carpal tunnel you ever saw every now and again you send a little bit Transylvanian do you know my first guest tonight is a very very beautiful or what ulis okay I give a look it over there I could see you looking over were you looking at look she's coming out check it out my ass Paquito I wish poquito [Applause] that's fine hey do you recognize the voice of the robot the night vanishes I'll just dangle this in front of you I would bow down to you if my dress wasn't so tight lieutenant please apologies for that dress is amazing really yeah I know it looks like summer airbrush it on you I like that you're appreciating it oh yeah are you appreciating it as much as I appreciate seeing you in your shorts for so many years not to say I like to hear more about that time that you guys made in the Club movie so the movie was know you're adorable well let's ask the man Chloe David and Lisa Guapo what does that come with Lord Frey's what was that ball wow that means handsome oh yeah yeah that means science obscene my Spanish is improving by having a gay Spanish speaking robot why not your gayness will improve too I think it's in pretty good shape thank you very much so that's like something you don't normally do which is watch porn with a woman am i right miss you heard it [Music] well Spanish Chloe Jeff Peterson what else yeah I'm it's gonna be sad that you're going away but you're going away yeah I'm sorry I can't understand anything you say that's okay that was not words wait you just make up sounds and you sit Joe will just have that sound well you can't just mix add sounds they expect me to understand that it's not like you have an expression no really no body language here is that your voice is so familiar do you play the owl and we need a pool because if that was you you could you could take me all right here like you and Ellen barkins at one time No no that's not no not no don't what ships that pass in the night [Laughter] what's that pass in the night sheep sheep sheep yes exactly sometimes at night the sheep on the hill get lost you don't need to tell me I'm Scottish I like a good she bluffing tonight is like money in the bank what does that mean yes I could tell from your body language and you're excited sighs yeah watch this with my hand watch oh now it's a party as I can hardly wait from Dave to come out and comment on it yes very nice very nice yeah it's not married you know I'm not supplied No [Music] good evening I am your guest host for tonight Larry King no no Larry you know I was brought here in the force free no you're not they told me I was a guest oh you're the guest same cake with you can't walk over bullet I started John yes sidekick you know you're not really the sidekick you're the voice of the site take the robot is being repaired for a couple of weeks you had a long and distinguished career its companies yes robot you should have go to college so okay all right give me what happens is you you the rule ball is over their rights either over there right right okay I've been here we're not we're said yes yes those were the good times yeah you what you do is you're the you're the voice in the robot but what you you have to think like the Robo get inside the robot in your robot be like you know that Vulcan mind-meld like mmm robot at you all right I'm a robot okay right so that's all you have to do tonight you will be sit there no you'll be inside the rulebook your body will be in stasis wait a minute you're putting me in him well maybe you could do it yourself Larry I'm being made of foil oh no no you came here no you don't have given a lot of a rope no no you know you're gonna lie in a pod offstage and your mind will be taken into the robots body and you will operate the body using your mind while your body is lying in there I got it you are sick I'll do it for you thanks Larry I would not do this for the guy before you he has a living site cake though alive it'd be very difficult to fit you inside the body of Paul Shaffer all right the main thing go offstage go into your pod and let your mind float into the Robo I'm going to my paw tonight the robot [Applause] am i right Larry great Larry King Jeff for my rabbit that buddy hey what what the hell hey so now you've developed a fear of public speaking don't even want to do the did I piss you off with the wedding thing join us after the break when Larry King Jeff will hopefully be working again everyone [Applause] [Music] welcome back welcome back to the show we're very excited tonight things are going crazy the robot has the personality of Larry King I was reading a book during the commercial break this book if the author of this book his own is on the shore tomorrow night the book is called small town girl it was written by Linda Cunningham and she's my mother-in-law it's a romantic novel I mean is actually pretty good except there are bits in it that are filthy we had celebrities read them take a look at this [Applause] that was that was that wasn't that dirty unless fireflies meet something dirty do you think fireflies means something dirty Larry King Jeff oh yeah I'll give it so this is so new to me to be a robot I have my own harmonica on how to play harmonica of all the things I've done in this business great this is really the weirdest that's not there's an air conditioning blowing directly on top of my head that's your body's head you're thinking about they're like the tube I like being in the inner tube I like the feeling in here it's very Debbie your your mind is now in the robot Larry King Jeff you must try to think like like a rope yes okay Craig I will think like a robot who's pure command of the English language you know what a robot thinking well you know rationally think rationally don't say we rational robot but you want me to be a rational robot yeah imagine imagine you're Mitt Romney or something like that good all right I first I have to tie my dogs to the top of my car which is what he did by the way he drove once it's true he drove ones that's true he drove to Canada the car was full of people and he tied the dogs to the top of the car what I Regus how did the dogs get into Canada don't you need a passport for that or something I think he got a minute he must have gotten a min they got I don't know how they got back that's the truth you're laughing it's a true story I don't know if they got back good did they ever get back the dogs maybe they blew off the top of the car look at the dogs were they how the hell do I know this is awesome this shows never been better what time is it Larry King it's time for the emails [Applause] [Music] sweets plus email [Music] all right this is from Shauna and at Manchester you have sir you ever been in Manchester New Hampshire oh yes does that shock you I was there for the primaries in about 12 years ago I walked the streets of Manchester when I was that's when I was a human when I was a normal jewel just walking the streets this is either the worst or best idea I've ever my god I'm by anybody look here anybody show such a high Craig on Larry King Jeff there's a bowl of candy at work and I can't help but eat from all day what can I do to control myself do you have a problem with sugar do you like - I like sugar but I don't have a problem with I have type 2 diabetes I like I like chocolate milk chocolate I know dark chocolate is in but I didn't like you didn't want this did you you didn't want a robot with pigs didn't want someone who creates of his own [Music] my advice to the lady this is why things make me to keep the time but the robot was this is from terming Charlottesville Virginia everybody no not even ours did Craig of Larry King Jeff I've been told that my voicemail message sounds like a robot is it possible to not sound like a robot when you're recording a message oh well you've come to the right hey do you sound like a robot on your answering machine Larry I'm Jeff I don't answer my answering machine there's a voice that just says you've reached this number leave a message I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't in fact I don't even know how to do how to do the answer I don't know how to do the mushy I answer it that's all I do is for all people who text you want to leave I'll do the show [Applause] we were right bagger [Applause] welcome back to the show okay my first guest is very talented actor it stop it stories all the time oh liking oh you didn't give him the name of a town and he's often not right Jeff Larry King yes can I ask to Lee something in the mood thing so I'm into the book so I'm gonna ask Tillie do you want me to answer for Tillie all right I'll ask Molly okay thank you try to bring some coherence that is program is it hard to write for children in that there's a tendency to write down to the age to write down to the age this is not CNN son-of-a-bitch you've taken the robots become self-aware okay stay out of it Molly it's answering for children defend yourself right down to the age of the kid gia right - no I don't I actually I say sing it's okay I should have Jeff come and read to the kids one night yeah that wouldn't scare him at all - I don't let my kids be no I don't like any of that weird stuff right robot Jeff who's got the voice of Larry King I hate to add some information to this Johnny Depp I did a special with Johnny Depp and Johnny Depp is going to do the life of dr. Seuss the the the the reason the comprehension behind that brilliant children's series and I hope that Molly's book will enter into that class of books to rank with dr. Seuss I just tried to bring some clarity the show back to you Craig [Applause] [Music] I feel like I'm in a crazy dream no no he's just gonna imagine like he's weird Larry King and I'm even weirder I'm just okay okay I'm I'm trying to sneak a look at your boobies stop breathe your breathing is called normal you know robots don't breathe so knock it off so I'm gonna do this show and die at the same time all right listen welcome back listen when when the guest oh you know just don't don't interrupt or get all professional with them it's really showing me up okay fine okay just fine Paul here hold on they want to they want us to take this on the road you go first I'll text you when I'm on my way my next guess and then they moved on to a more professional yeah no he's awesome he looks better you ever met there laughs we met backstage when I was a human eyes are so blue man so not trained got nothing on you do I look good bring another civil moment to this show I follow the horse now are you surprised Michael at all by the success of Boardwalk Empire hey wait wait knock it off man I'm sorry Michael are you surprised by the success support walk in front now I understand yeah yeah do you have any you have any follow-up Bob but this says africa's leg now can I get a transcript of this no I I wanted is that I think Michael is one of the brilliant forces on television because he impacts the screen in other words some people come on and they're there and then they disappear but Michael if you're unhappy with me as a robot have me back I like knowing where you are in your pod so some kind of violets what about a you could manage me if you wanted or would you like to take a break from that and have perhaps me Menace you yeah what you want me to Menace you yes okay I'll give it a shot you are not watching PBS [Applause] [Music] what do you think then did it work you learn anything one we had great guests yeah - I'm from Brooklyn - so I feel so proud when people from Brooklyn make it and he is sometime he was a guest you know let's stop let's stop the kidding for a moment I want to say this for the people here at people the audience people across the country you're a great host you're a terrific personality you deserve a better time slot [Applause] [Music] you know you tried to destroy me man I wanted I wanted to bring you into more homes well I don't want to be in more homes about you know what we do here is we're tucked away quietly they don't know what we're doing we got a rule book talking like Larry King and they're like they don't know we're here if I called up let's say CBS New York right and I said can you give me some information on Craig Ferguson think they'd be like they bad we have no idea who that is does he work here where does he work all HR that's what they say they think knows when Letterman goes off they think The Late Show is a movie yeah yeah know what I think well there's an infomercial with a British guy that's what do you think it is that's what they think it's like that's an infomercial well they should know better I am and by the way very happy to be a robot if you ever want me you know you should come back and do it again I really think we were on to something there right there when you were asking questions and like ibf is amazing it was like a real TV show anytime you want me to fun hidden anywhere and anytime you want me back well I think of my busy schedule yeah how's it going anyway that's horrific everything you do that you do not start to do the comedy I'm doing I've been you know where I've been where I've been to Kazakhstan I've been to that's a big comedy town right there there they're like that you do the chuckle hut there then Kazakhs that you've been there and it's a lot Kazakhs that you bet I have yeah I open for drew Carey how about how about Slovakia been to Slovakia no no I've been to Kosovo oh I'm in of course well that's a good horse your goal yeah Korea no let me just gonna do countries yes no well we don't know we all we're done well thank you guests tonight yeah I'd like to thank my guests multi-shot and Michael Kay where's Larry Larry Kangas Jeff we gotta go I'm Louie Anderson I'm the guest host tonight no no no he's not you are the voice of the robot tonight the robot is going under repairs for two weeks different people are doing the voice of the robot stop texting me insane wait they don't want coming back you know what I mean it's them anyway okay what happens is we take you backstage and you go into a pod okay yeah and then the pod once you're in the pod your mind is taken from you and putting in the body of the robot like the Vulcan mind-meld [Laughter] all right but you have an added problem okay because the second guest on the show tonight is my mother-in-law no I'll be real nice yeah okay that'll tell ya know she wrote a book yes yeah I met her oh you did yeah she said naboo me she everybody was fawning over so I figured you were in trouble yeah she's my mother-in-law yeah yeah yeah she hates me she does I have sex with a door I met her daughter very beautiful what the hell man everybody was in one room putting makeup on anyway look okay yes oh right look until you go backstage you go into your broad fine the suckers will go to your head and then your voice will come out the robot for the rest of the show okay you got it right and you will be the personality of the robot I will right did you get [Applause] [Music] [Applause] their breathing became audible oh brother I'd like to get a copy of that I'd love it yeah also by the way you think we're doing on the show you know how like Oprah gives away a car to the audience like everybody in the audience gets a car yeah well where everybody knew ''tis gets free copy this Burt [Applause] that's fantastic yeah well I've got 11 bags of Skittles in my butt [Laughter] family size or fun size Halloween sighs I see do you like a big Halloween order do you keep things small and light colors well great there's nothing for you let's show that hey yeah what time is it Geoffrey Peterson it's time for emails [Applause] [Music] [Music] that way [Music] alright Jeff here we go this is from Morgan and Hutchinson Minnesota you ever better believe it I have been yeah ah ah what did I worked on a pig farm there for a while i slop the pigs you want the pigs slap them swap to them for Wawa no swap them [Music] I thought you said swap them I like you know hey I'll swap a pig for that car not gonna go today W did ya know I swapped them but I didn't I didn't swap them it was a work release program if you had a pig would you swap it or would you hang on to it if I was tired of it I'd swap it I say so a pig is just something to be toyed with for yours and talk to all right at Morgan in the Hutchinson Minnesota side Craig and Jeff I like the teachers assistant and one of my courses how can I ask him out without looking like I'm doing it for extra credit give a good attracted to one of your one of your teachers there Jeff guess the gym teacher Chris in Charlotte North Carolina you ever been to Charlotte North Carolina I have not I've been there is it beautiful yes it is I'd love to go I'll meet you in the convertible this is deer creek and j5i that are you ever considered going into politics after leaving show business leaving show business sweet lord I cannot show it's a creepy guy Oh Tom just Gillan and a basement voice by Louie Anderson it was a dragon touch what would you do when you left the shoe business there Jeff I'm doing it right this is from Matt Casey oh this is from KC and the Sunshine Band I opened for them once is Larry King came out and talked and then idea comedy act and then they sang oh oh that kind of opening for him yeah yeah [Applause] anyway Casey that worked for you eventually today all right no I was supposed to laugh well you know every little helps is what I'm saying anyway Casey in Sydney Australia says hi Craig and Jeff I recently found out my sister had a one-night stand with my best friend uh-oh is it too awkward to confront them on it but why the hell would you want to 11 live yeah yeah business right well how good of a friend was he no overtime yeah again yeah we got to do the commercial break you want to do the commercial break right you do the commercial break while I read this variant attack a comeback for more staff hey do you ever go and see Louie Anderson when you're up in Vegas who is y'all right yeah he's the voice of Jeffries he's the personality of Jeff Peterson I love that I love the Jeff today yeah thank you I love you on The Price is Right thank you very much [Music] we had to add the cat escaped and so that people wouldn't rayon and say oh you kill the cat yeah people love cats oh they do and the type of people who love cats will not hesitate and get in touch with the broadcaster if they think a cat has been mistreated in any way you could you can even mystery a photograph of a cat yeah because that's all that is that's a photograph I actually drop a weight on a cat it's a photograph of a weight and falling in the photograph of a cow for the first time we did it people anyway how did you have a nice time in the poem the skeleton of the pod was great yeah I love being in the pod I love your show you're great greater don't oh stop that drinking to know that and I mean it though no he didn't now hey you know what's weird my mother-in-law being on the show oh man you know what it wasn't that like did you not know really what to say cuz what do you say well you know what the thing is I knew that she needed to be more embarrassed than me because I've read the book and then heard that nipple teeth thing is really inner you know III don't know how to look at the woman I mean is that crazy your mother-in-law and then you read that book can you go wat and you show your wife and go this is your mother comes handy in an argument though you know because you doesn't clean up the buzzer oh yeah I'm sorry I had my nipples and somebody's teeth yeah my favorite part is when she plugged her publicist it's awesome that you were here man I love being here well let's how would like you just get rid of that robot and I'll just stand there [Applause] [Laughter] [Applause] hey stop wait until I starts my I don't understand just let me do it and then everyone will be fine good evening ladies and gentlemen and other good evening welcome to week 2 of Jeff being repaired so we have to have a different personality for Jeff every night apparently tonight he's not Jeff or Jeff's a girl's name are you a lady Jeff tonight yes my name is Jeff I see and your personality will be that of the sort of is there such a thing as a male and female personality or is it just to do with a business you know downstairs genitals is what I'm saying you sound like Harry Potter I don't think I said Larry part spirit oh oh I'm starting to sound a little bit like wait a minute if I and you look a bit like Ron oh shut up Ron come on just say it bul Jabal there I said it haha do you have hair extensions ya know in my head you're cute I like you I'm saying or is it just a say a pre-recorded phrases are just getting fired at me by some person do you have balls no on me at the moment did you just move that hand I don't know I what your nails are lovely thank you thank you so much where'd you get them done at the place where you got balls well everybody I think ii peabody is only a [Applause] Herman Cain's wife spoke to the press about the harassment charges against her husband she said if it's true then her husband must have a split personality and Herman Cain responded by saying she's right then said no she's not [Applause] yeah all right and of course never been a why there strangely weird ginger lady Jeff I have a place there yeah and we drink and we have beers and have beads beers and beads yeah and then we get naked doesn't look more and more like a very weird children's program you got you have beers and beads and that you get neat yeah cos we go swimming [Music] that's nice which stroke do you prefer I like the one where everyone is naked no I don't think that's really a stroke it's fun you should come [Music] not a nickel for every time I'd have that young lady that would you give I throw dude you can't just throw it to the commercial break but yes this is the best product ever element will make you so pretty [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] everybody welcome back to the big night where rotten Weasley girl Jeff is all the rage with the kids that's so pretty I love it what we usually do is like I blow in the organ that you blow in the organ and we have a little competition with organ blowing and now I blow now I now I blow yeah [Music] yeah the trick with blowing is to use some breath okay but I didn't want to hurt you did you like that it was pretty I liked it [Music] do you have were you waiting for the the Twilight movies did you go and have a look as you enjoy the toilet you like the you know they gonna have the vibe you know what I'm talking about I like those boys because they're cute and they're pale yeah you know I got a problem though is that they went to real you know and they're vampires and they went to real it's very sunny and real you just have to use sunblock a lot of it like you use it cuz you're pale now I want a pale cuz I'm in shock I don't understand but you're handsome [Music] and I'll do for me what time is it oh it's time for tweets and emails yay [Music] [Applause] [Music] place [Music] [Applause] holy day the shape at my Center and you're eat Meijer all right this is from down in Smithtown New York he says you're gonna Smith down in New York you got a little place there like oh so I have a place there it's pretty it's just Smith tone we're talking about right it's nice you should come dear Craig and Jasmine I will be proposing to my girlfriend the day before Thanksgiving while visiting our family we plan to make the announcement at dinner any advice yeah what you should do is put the ring in the Turkey's ass and then when her father's carving up the turkey oh go away what why what's this in the turkey and go surprise that would work I think it's romantic I like it it's pretty wait a minute yeah haven't you been here before I think you have been here before where are you selling a fragrance you were sitting right there and selling a fragrance I recognize that voice I don't know who that is but I you're pretty I like you that's all the Mars this is from Rachel in Baton Rouge Louisiana never been about on Rouge you like the Cajun food you like the hot spicy refried beans my apologies to all Cajun chefs and of course there's no refried dreams in the Cajun food they only fry them once it's not like that's the thing about refried beans you fry em you fry them again why not just fry them once get it done with cuz if you everything is nice when you do it twice yes right actually all right Rachel says dear Craig and Jeff it probably means you my friend has asked me if she can borrow some money and why and while I have it I don't trust her enough to pay me back should I just be nice and give it to her no no she's only your friend what would you give your friend money for to help her out of a tricky situation you bitch what do you think about being too harsh there lady Jeff you said bitch tonigh I didn't mean to I meant to say Jarek oh then I understand this is from Laura and Arvada Colorado everybody call her I was like go skiing there I skiing makes me cold but put on a warm jacket that's such a good idea you're so smart I'm really going to like you you the only one around here it gets me I understand you because I think we think alike yeah I think we do thank you you're pretty too you're right I should come this is from Laura who says hi Craig and Jeff I've been fooling around with one of my roommates and a friends-with-benefits kind of agreement I've developed feelings for him what should I do Oh follow him follow him and follow him back home to the lizard where he lives in Connecticut with his wife and children and then fade to fade the pet rabbit get in there and boil that little bastard in the kitchen you see that movie I like bunnies cuz they're fuzzy hi Craig and Jeff this is from Lisa in Raleigh North Carolina never been there got a little place like you oh yeah yeah Jeff is there any binder artist you're embarrassed to admit you really enjoy no Justin Bieber maybe a little bit I love him he's so cute he is Freddie I will admit that he's pretty yeah he's got a nice voice yeah but I like your hair better you like my hair better than Justin Bieber's hair yeah it looks fuzzy I like things that are fuzzy no one's ever said they like my hair more than Justin Bieber's hair no one has ever said they liked anybody's hair more than Justin Bieber's hair he's got the best hair ever combed forward come to the side up down everything it's fabulous I like you cuz your pity you're winning me over alright what was that something buzz over there you ever do that you think your phone buzzed and then you realized you don't even have your phone on ya if that's never have to you you do never to gas it but if you never see guys if you don't understand the show [Applause] [Music] you didn't see anything we are not the droids you're looking for do that may I say your hair looks great I know but Geoff upstaged my hair tonight I like it because it's pretty you're pretty I like you an IQ tune oh that's nice then I would hate for if things go weird [Music] you should call me on the phone okay leave your number I'll text you late at night what this is about this arm here [Music] [Laughter] so you did pretty good oh thank you no no you were good I think you came on a bit strong early on you know to me I think that was just show business so wouldn't you were just kind of flirting I'm in love with you look it would never work I'm a man you're an appliance oh well it might actually work I don't think so I'm married I don't care really all about you though III have people in my life that would care very much if they caught me cavorting with an electrical piece of ax they wouldn't really mind that this might work thank you I think you're pretty too thank you and thank you patient viewers [Music] [Applause] [Music] all right please state your name and occupation for the folks at home my name is Paula Poundstone and I'm the you're the robot tonight you're gonna be the personality and voice of the robot this evening that's what you're gonna do I'm the voice of Jeff the robot Robo yeah well you verson ality yes we do me you go backstage to a pod where you'll be encased in a pod and your your mind and body will be taken from you much in the same way as you you know when you take drugs which of course you clearly have a problem with and then and then and then your personality will be inside the robot for the you know the length of the show this evening for hilarious antics to ensue this is not what they told me they didn't tell me anything about a pod or any kind of my so what happens again No who are they papa the I think I spoke with the producer someone called someone called my house and said that they work for you oh yes the Nigerian prince yes and I sent money right away nice to you folks at home if you receive an email asking you know for money from a Nigerian prince get that money off there I've just wounded them up you they shouldn't do that yeah don't do that I almost did I almost did the friends stuck in the London Airport thing did you get that one no yeah there's one where somebody that knows you supposedly writes and says they're stuck in the London Airport and they need money and they have like a good reason and I almost did it and it turned out it wasn't real it's just the kind of is this the kind of hilarious market you're gonna be doing in the robot I was just telling you a true story well that's great if we're doing a documentary it's no chicken Margaret not everyone's gonna be able to do it you google attention-seeking Margaret I haven't talked about that yet [Applause] this I do a linear show well that's not how we do things we're beginning a middle and an end what do you think of that story giant bouffant hair Jeff tonight I was a very very moving story Craig I mean it was a very very moving so you were upset with the story of chicken Margaret that it reminded me of a time when I was not flush and I shoved some nail clippers up my skirt well I hope you know where the hell this is going because I don't and I'm not gonna help you Wow it was in order to steal the nail clippers see no one would look there clipper isn't really a big-ticket item in a frozen chicken can run a few bucks I said I was not flush yeah look at my nails for god sakes yeah but I mean no one's asking you go for a manicure I mean look if I was down in my luck like this the last thing I think as well I'll get no money player am I gonna get my nails done you don't know the first thing about down on your luck fat cat dare you how dare you I a while I have you know I'm not a fat cat I'm a dancing monkey for the CBS Corporation just like you now introduce the commercials here comes a commercial that could save our economy [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] welcome back to the big zoo where tonight things are not as they seem yes they are they're exactly as they see [Music] very good that's very nice I like your hair I think your hair choice tonight it's very what's that stupid you can't see your Mohawk your beehives covering your Mohawk find a nickel for every time I've had to say that too so I went with what I felt tonight I felt beehive II there's something about you that makes me feel beehive II actually inside your hive I do hear that little buzz buzz sound I thought I just had too much coffee no that's that's the Beehive you're looking sartorially excellent as well I don't know what that means robots have an excellent vocabulary oh really is that way you used excellent twice in the same paragraph they also Jam Jam Jam that's in you don't have job with all these bees around you'll get infested Jam isn't repeating the same thing over and over because it's jammed it's a machine a robot oh I'm sorry I didn't know we were talking young people is that the young people are saying hey we go to jam know what up dog cat no the freeze is what up dog a bear in mind what time is it it is time for tweets and emails dog [Music] Moe's [Applause] this mrs. Brahma Ashton this is from Ashton Ashton the Woodruff is Ashton tweets a lot he does tweet along and is an email which is very close to a tweet oh yeah he does that too what what what he does that too he does he emails and tweets he knows all the ways the thing Ashton in Westchester of Philadelphia yeah that's him dope yeah dear GP in the ferns I think my boyfriend oh oh Mastan I think you just made the news I think my boyfriend might be cheating on me I think it's a different Ashton this is I don't know I think my boyfriend might be cheating on me is there any way to find out if it's true without invading his privacy no but that doesn't mean you shouldn't you ever been cheated on there Jeff I never never people are ok good who's checking worth bringing out worth knowing that you're really helping uh this is from David in Toronto Canada you ever been in Toronto Canada been to Toronto can I get a place there I love to throw beads go swimming get naked [Laughter] in Toronto really yeah yeah love to do that in Toronto well that would explain your present condition you ever been to Toronto Toronto me I've never owned the place I go all the time I tell you how often I've been to Toronto I don't even call it Toronto I pronounce it like locals say Toronto I call it Tonto Tonto do you mean Toronto now I don't have time for tease this run is running on thrill Lake there with no tease yeah they just are tunnels just like that so they said Tom well in fact sometimes you don't even say that they just go welcome to Canada and the lovely title the busy people they're busy they don't have time do you know what they say Toronto is like New York run by the Swiss that's like that's what they say it's like well when they have time but they don't have tightened the what they just say is Paris that's all this anyway David and says dear Craig and Jeff I'm a bit but I'm about to begin yeah I didn't say that no they said some of it that's ridiculous you know it was written by someone whose body temperature had been lured a great deal by a frozen chicken that they had pressed again I'm about to begin at university and I'm trying to pick up a major haha any suggestions go to West Point see you like that I turned into a joke yeah like a real joke there's two uses of the word major I see what you're saying yeah that's right I took the other words of the major anumita a homoerotic reference yeah you may consume my homoerotic reference blow me away I like your style this this is from Calvin in Surprise Arizona is it Surprise Arizona or Surprise Arizona [Music] baby never held up before dear Craig and Jeff a friend of mine has convinced me to hire her but she's turning out to be a terrible employee should I fire her or just wait to see if she improves I went to see if you improve yeah you know I put this hair on especially for you those kinds of comments you know us have you ever been to Surprise Arizona what do you want me to say that to you no have you ever been to surprise there I'm just a mask I used to be five is that like code is that again you know I couldn't have made it more clear what I was asking some kind of you know homoerotic double arrow you ever been surprised Arizona I said you know have you ever seen another man naked that gana day like you know what a man takes off his pants and goes surprised ours are nobody's ever taken off their pants and surprised all of Arizona your rock caught me Arizona all right this is from Abigail in Fargo North Dakota you ever been apart enough to go like go swimmin bake naked beats [Music] Fargo North Dakota what's I love it it's nice a nice place they go they made that film there what was it gold again Fargo yeah it's enough dear Craig and Jeff my best friend recently moved into my apartment while she looks for a new place to live but she stopped looking on is getting pretty comfortable is there a nice way to get her apartment hunting again hmm yeah probably ask her to make a video with you where you both make out with each other how many times that worked for you every time every time boy that surprised Arizona all right we're good time for one more one more nice that one more no I'm time you don't even say for this one yep so let's do it all right this is from Karen in Lake Forest California doing if you could tell from there but Karen's a swan hey Craig and Jeff with Christmas just around the corner what do you plan on asking Santa for this year figured out clippers frozen chicken we were right back [Applause] [Music] [Applause] welcome back welcome back 49 of the 50 states in America and Surprise Arizona so you know that yeah yeah I see how you use I use that use that surprise arizona you know I I ever been day oh my god you scared the hell out of me Arizona I'm kind of busy smaller I'm a commercial break any ideas how we should get to it we should ask her what is it he Jeff or is she I haven't dared look but the hair is nice she's got a set of nail clippers up her I got her come on Iza he's a kid he doesn't understand there's nothing up there needs clipping in Mike's crazy Jeff get us to the commercial break yeah this next commercial is gonna get us out of recession [Music] that was the theme you know there you did great she did good yeah you did really good well done thank you very much fat cat yeah apparently you and McGregor would like a go winning the golden harmonica because he feels he's able to blew an organ better than anyone else let's just see how good he is [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] I'm not trying to tell you how to do it you just do everywhere you want you to be a winery yeah sure but there are no lines though what no we've started please state your name for the folks at home my name is Angela Kinsey you are not Australian ARIA knock this moment done something wrong I just - knew your name I mean you know my name is Angela Kinsey Craig you you're the voice of the robot yes and may I say what a charming outfit you're wearing I love the skirt there I got it an Edinburgh did I say it right now I've never good where is it it's in Scotland No whoops high school geography in America the capital of Scotland much like rekha Vic is the capital of Iceland smarty [Music] did you do that I know I didn't nothing I went smarty on you all right well let me ask you that what were your plans for your robot voicing and personality tonight before we slip you into the pod I got new plans just gonna get blissing good see back there so you're gonna do some kind of freeform dancing and salute from time to time let it see me I'll be like no no you're not but you're not back there you guys take backstage to a pawn you put into the pod and then it sucks your personality out yeah yeah yeah kind of like that except from elsewhere and and then your personality's Putin say the robot you become Jeff Peterson for the evening yeah no for sure for sure Jeff Pearson yeah I'm on board Craig their perky little spud are yet alright then alright well um we'll give it a shot should I go get in the pod and get sucked into this alright never mind no no I I like to let just sit again a little slower we were right back everybody who ever liked him you ever been to Australia lady Jeff oh I get I crank up here I went down to Melbourne I have a donut shop there sometimes I'm Craig just for a minute is that legal sometimes LCME oh good eye so you have one of them split personalities and one of them's from out of town a little bit a split chip split chip yeah okay well do you think you could go to commercial wait don't just go blue in the commercial all over the place start again no take your time easy ease into it not a chew toy go again but now it's time for the commercial don't you like it [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] Lautenberg everybody welcome back we're tonight we've got some very weird music to bring us back that was going for doom but oh it was that it's like this like Lords are playing again [Music] all right perhaps is no exactly like low Endora how you doing over there lady Jennifer forgot to ask no lady Jeff Peterson with all sorts of different things I'll leave Jeff you can call me lady Jeff I'm good Craig how are you Ljuba this is Lake is like that show United States of Tara remember when she had all the different personalities and everyone was like oh oh sassy in the bedroom multiple-personality lady w that was too much I liked the Australian window that was good all right they might buy last viewer in Australia we have a ministry we have you got a little place there oh yeah I got no place there really no I've got a car wash there and car wash I got oh my god lots of businesses really other businesses you have about from a car wash um nail salon nail salon doughnut shop get your own fries just fries that's it that's not that's a great idea for it for a you know a store get your own fries you just doesn't make a lump of fries you know hipsters would love that you know why cuz they're ironic we don't them cuz we're thin and we all be able to say pick it up a hat oh yeah my hipster bunch girl with the dragon tattoo [Music] what what those the Australian words mean something different over there let it go I'm sorry that you're not being welcomed with the full opened [Applause] why I'm excited you can play I see me yeah what time is it lady Jeff Pearson oh it's time for tweets and emails tweets and emails everybody play the thing [Applause] [Music] [Music] yeah that's right sex me with your feet all right this is from gene and Bodega Bay in California ever been a Bodega Bay a real band member that I ran a marathon there totes totes did Oh totes that means totally but shorter yeah that is a tweenage word oh are you on the treaty a little bit what little bit of you is on the treating my fingers way no I'm totes done with that panel a Jean and a bodega bay says dear Drake I'm a baker I have a baker I have the whole beard and tattoos look so people sometimes whisper when I walk past them how can I make my image appear more wholesome to the public well it's not the eyes because you're walking past them and your dress is a Baker bake past them and you won't hear them ya know are I would say wear a turtleneck yeah where to turn wear turtleneck shave the beard off you know get rid of the bike get yourself a nice you know Camry sound appealing I thought not all right this is from Burton Anchorage Alaska you ever been up to Alaska there oh yeah it's really cold oh you're very cold as you know I watched the show on TV Flying Wild Alaska it's got ariel tweto in it you know ariel tweto a lovely girl sounds fabulous okay anyway Burton Anchorage Alaska says hi Craig and Jeff how many days can I wear the same pair of underwear before it gets weird in the lower 48 we go one day we don't go days but I guess up there but it's cold you don't want to be taking your underpants off too often unless you got a reason I don't know I think things get crusty when it's cold hard packed ice is what you're saying yeah permafrost that's what you're talking about there yeah yeah yeah bears icebergs moving around as bears I like how you say that yeah I'm not originally from LA a man of mystery not so much all right this is from Luke in Montreal Quebec oh but they're all huh who's that the ding from me winking about five minutes ago that was that [Applause] whoo man of mystery you believe this it's really sort of a shoddy operation we're having a meeting after I'm running it we're really on fired up anyway look at Montreal Quebec says that dear Craig and Jeff besides being colder how else can i my city distinguish itself from their other french-speaking metropolis Paris well yeah you got you got ice hockey there do the French of that do the bucket hello today of ice hockey in in France I think to have ice hockey sacre bleu wait a minute that was a German accent you tell me the Germans are back in Paris Nazis bigger news than the story of betrayal of course you don't want to mention that around here people are pretty sensitive in this audience yeah it's true I'm sorry we're in Paris now yes but you are only entire pass as tourists oh yeah he loves Eiffel Tower owns a croissant we out of time all right I'll just do these we're out of time we'll be right back [Music] [Applause] [Music] welcome Mike I like that you kissed the lady Jeff well lady Jeff has it going on [Applause] cool ok you go there and you do your thing obviously right here I don't see when I'm walking or people think I'm passing gas [Music] my first guest [Music] the rats pain is just a photograph of a rat we added sound effects sorry it sounded scary sorry not so much you I thought you did very well yeah [Applause] thanks hufflepuff so I was a little squirrely and I said the f-bomb and now my mom knows your mom already knew now people think their parents never swore back in the day this was doing olden times they swore they did like like you wouldn't man first see when he invented fire burn to sanity which is oh you know German though yeah it's true and it's a German word yeah yeah it's always you know it happened there when I mean like that and you pulled my finger a little bit I did thank you Wow no I didn't so that's it we're Canada that's it sayonara resist the temptation to please these people with a big just let the show peter out quite naturally laughs bad relation I can do that I can do that I can let it Peter out any point now the the CBS are going to become so uncomfortable than the put a big bit of music on the end but then everybody will know it's the end of the show okay get ready for the infomercial right or in the case of the Australian viewers dingo yeah [Music] [Applause] yeah you can you can warm up if you want you can warm up a little bit I said get your diaphragm moving that's that bit isn't it there's a birth control thing a diver oh it's both I think it's not right well alright don't overdo it you don't what we do is we rejoice warts Munir tonight everybody is going to be the voice and personality of the robot Jeff now what we'll do is we'll take you backstage put you in a pod your personality is then sucked from your body okay that's not the bad bit okay there's no bad put in the robot where then you will become Jeff the robot for the evening okay oh he doesn't have a beard okay but yeah your beards probably gonna get sucked off as well and then yeah yeah well I'm ready for it is there any you or you have any words of advice yeah yeah you probably want to say how awesome I am come forward come forward okay cuz cuz now now if you back up a little bit yes we look like we are the same height yeah and we're talking to each other and now for the rings listen we have to go to Mordor yes Lord or take this I can't go with you you're too tall we'd never let the never listen take this what is it it's my oh my god you do that's awkward well how long have you been feeling this sensation turn about five seconds yeah well I'm afraid I've got very bad news for you what is it well you have an ingrown testicle can you pluck it I didn't say add feathers oh sorry an incision I didn't say add feathers owner I said it was in groan oh it soon it will take over your entire body and and you'll become nothing but testicle do you have any advice yeah yes but not about this so anyway you're gonna be the rule by five oh no I can move back to you know oh let's dance okay which way you leaves this take audiences have about clapping for the most crap thing I'm not used to being in front of an audience every day and I love it [Applause] I love it I'm used to and I don't care for this is exciting step forward ooh I like this where do I look now this should be our album cover what's our ban calls [Applause] Joe I said Joe it was a joke I wasn't joking about terrible thing you ever ever smoked how do you think I got here crack smoking no I'll tell you about it later I see this hole I'll tell you about it later really works against you in the sidekick capacity you know [Laughter] yeah uh-huh you're the man Craig you're the man Craig yeah boy howdy I love you yeah that's not bad that's that's alright a little on the nose though I like you yeah it's kind of the same thing but no it's good do you want to do you want to throw to the commercial break you want to try that I'm gonna try it all right you're gonna try you'll be good at it exactly clearing your throat or is that that guy over there again Craig tonight's commercials brought to you by XO sleep [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] welcome back to the Big Show where things are going crazy I don't know just usual crap except the robot side cake seems to be a little shy is it shyness is it nervousness is the part not working well you know it sucks out properly what's happening no I got sucked burped properly it's it's more that I just you know I want to do well for you and for everyone to my right he doesn't mean all of you it just means lesbian ro you just mean lesbian just those four right here yeah yeah the ladies of lesbians yeah I'm here [Applause] [Music] yeah people often say to me Craig after I get to lesbian row and I say practice practice practice you want to do a quick mouth organ you know yes let's go all right you ready oh [Music] you like that yes sir you're coming out you're poured a little know that relax enjoy it go with the flow feeling your way through take off your pants well how can I take off my pants if I take them off I can't put anything in my bath [Applause] so what time is it Jeffrey Peterson it's time for tweets and emails [Applause] arrey [Music] meow [Music] [Applause] email time oh good all right this is from Chris in Kansas City in Kansas so dear Craig and Jeff I feel guilty when I walk down the street and ignore people handing out flyers how should I handle these situations well don't ignore them you're rude bastard take the flyer and do other people do he go write your job solutely like that just like that what are you doing someone NGO flyer I just walked by them okay this is from Janine and Plano Texas never been in Plano Texas let's go to Plano Texas got a little place they don't like they go swept and get naked through a beach that people take LSD maybe stick things in your patch I dated someone from that place I don't want to talk about it Maggie really you really didn't think someone from I did I did and her her family ruined it what did they do discover your secret don't tell anybody about my secret I won't you can later if you want okay soon as I make one up I'll be telling everybody anyway Janine says hey Craig I've been noticing you've been wearing some fancy socks lately any reason responsible here's a text by the way hey here's a tip guys if you want girls to find you attractive when they are looking at your leg cuz they'll be there I'll be drawn by the sock pull it down a little bit and that mark that the elastic legs this is from Darren in Chicago Illinois yeah I've never heard of the place you ever been oh love it love it love it okay there's a DGP the ferrets a secretary [Applause] [Music] [Applause] dmtp in the paragraph I met this insanely hot girl in my anthropology class and I asked her out the problem is she wants to go dancing and I'm terrible how can I avoid ruining this well you're not terrible at dancing evening you think you're terrible you know terrible it dies think the people that are terrible at dancing and the people that think they are good at dancing [Music] that's what's gonna put it off if you say I'm a really terrible dancer but I think you're sensational so I'm willing to make a fool of myself he's yours and then you know hey can I ask you a question yeah yeah I've always wondered what it does come to dancing why I'm not a great dancer when it comes to sexy dancing you know like really sweeping someone off their feet but I can dance funny I can do imitations of dances and make people laugh but ultimately does a woman want to be swept off her feet and have a great dance or do they like to laugh is laughing sexy that was an in-room email from Jeffrey Peterson from Lawson here's the thing I think that the whole the whole fallacy here the full the whole that the the reason this is all wrong is because it says do women like this or do women like that which is ridiculous as some women like this and some women like that there are individuals the way to a woman's heart is listen to the woman and think wish you know [Laughter] [Music] you see I was right that they were right there they were like hoop fight light no huh women are the worst Oh actually they're no they're not they're the best I agree with everything you say I agree with everything you said we're out of time what's happening now Jeff now we are gonna go to more commercials don't say like that like it's a bad thing that's alright let me start over okay all right now we're gonna go to some more commercials [Applause] [Music] what do you think why do you enjoy it I loved it I thought it was losing best part when you were in the port getting that thing sucked don't you coming back out actually was great coming back out at what Geoff body have his bones oh yeah coming out of the pod yeah coming in we get you out using the knives and hot butter I loved it and and I thought you were great and I thought Robin Rose was incredible didn't Robin look well he looks great but you know why he looks so well clean-shaven you know it's something I like it's someone who's got a pretty boyish face as I like clean-shaved nothing worse than a young handsome man the giant hair bishops vicious vicious yeah they're vicious a cross between Arabs and vicious they're they're very a viewer and have you ever smoked Arab Mary Jane marijuana marijuana ah no you haven't of course for legal reasons no no I don't I don't actually I I I don't like that stuff no I don't either I don't care for it I prefer huffing paint it's what all the celebrities are doing to be cool kids yeah it's not it's not I love Vinny I love all those inhalants glue paint those things that you get when your nose is blocked up with a co2 gun dicks no the yes I love that yeah it is so the beer then is that gonna state you know well I just have it for professional reasons you're doing porn yeah and it's you'll do it for it's for a part then yeah it's for a part and then I'll shave it off it you know I always think about beards and this is why I don't grow one that's because it tells everyone what your pubes look like I mean if you've got if you've got ginger here it's ginger down below and if you're graying and your beard snow in the basement snowing in the base snow in the basement yeah that's not snow in the roof snow in the basement yeah there's some people shovel the snow out of their basement if you don't have say there's some people who darken it back oh you mean do they you know I don't know if you can do people do that what things die things down there yeah but what's the point but I don't know but do that I don't know I bedazzled what I do is I be done really yeah it draws the eye wow you have a bedazzler I do Wow speaking of Peter Cook no yeah yeah he's one of the best movies ever made tied it all together of like it was a real show though I've been thinking about that one for about well we're done here I think I think you were excellent I'm it's always nice to see it's always great to see you and Matt nobody everybody knows what your pubes look like well there's always room for surprises think about that as you finish your Reaper good night everybody [Applause] [Music] now some of you may know a Jeff Pearson my robot skills and sidekick has had many different voices over the last couple of weeks and so I thought I want to tell you today the voice of Jeff will be none other than Tom Cruise everybody though I want to tell you that but it's not true we didn't ask Tom Cruise's people he'd like to be the voice of Jeff but his people said he was too busy that Tom hates my guts typical Hollywood publicist telling lies to make me feel better but so we didn't have time to book anyone else so I guess Jeff just won't have a voice tonight sorry pal that's the way it's gonna be you're a mute appliance we don't have anyone in the studio with a commanding vocal presence that I could call on it's short notice there's no great Greg Greg hello you guys hearing that too right shadow shadow Stevens the announcer on the show but you really do have a great voice are you are you here I'm everywhere Craig so you're still hiding down in Mexico until those lawyers get the charges dismissed oh yeah it's possible I can't get into the details but rest assured them hobos had it coming [Music] all right fine I really want to hear about what what to know is that can you do a Jeff's voice or nope you do it well wife I think so let's see okay how's this okay Jeffy that's good have you ever noticed how blue my eyes are Craig they smolder with an undying love for you if only my arm was longer and a little creepy there pal so I'm doing it right yeah Jeff always is a little creepy in your pan so what do you think is that you ready to try the kill you I mean you've got the voice for it you're gonna do the commercial break and I'm somebody ready to go are you ready yeah it's time for the greatest commercials in the history of commercials award-winning innovation inspired by the greatest telling on television the boss for the sauce Craig Ferguson [Applause] [Music] well what's going on in the Friday night show we are Jeff Peterson that's a very announcer e voice tonight I like it it's very questionable I feel like I'm drew Carey and you're that guy that you that's new I think okay that's good I like it what's the out region retail price of that cup on your desk 995 why I would have said higher would have us to do bonus for copyright reasons we can't continue in this way all right you know what time it is don't you let's do this first let's let's have a try see if you can do it [Music] no no no no you're just being patronized [Music] what time is it Geoffrey booza well let me look at it this way it's time if you're a twerp or a twit it'll be a real treat when you write into Craig an email or a tweet [Applause] [Music] Queen [Music] [Applause] [Music] yeah all right this is from Shane and halftime in Hampton in Virginia you ever been a half that Virginia I got a little place say I'd like to go swim and get naked throw beads if people take heroin something like that what do you do know what sir I've got a little timeshare down there with Buffy the pool boy no vacation getaway over we do a little cribbage again the streets from the electric barf you over you're overwhelming me I'm so ashamed no it's all right ah you had me at cribbage [Laughter] that should be yours I that can be your thing good [Laughter] I do Craig unchecked my friends really want to get get want me to get a Twitter account but I have nothing to say do you think I should get one yet there must stops anyone else yeah why not you got a Twitter account having each other for sure yeah yeah [Laughter] this is from Joe in New Orleans Louisiana every night New Orleans got a little place they'd like to get naked go swimming through a pizza people go to the Mardi Gras have a nice time and enjoy the pool boy sandwiches look a little I don't want a long time share down there at the pump up the ham up the hand right outside a cockle Bertie cockle bitty bitty cocoa Betty yeah suburb yes I thought how many times have you down there well we have many times I've been down cocoa bunny yes more times than I care to remember all right Jordan your Liz Lisa says dear Craig Jeffords secretary [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] Jew says hey Craig Jeff Secretariat my oldest daughter just started dating a boy and started dating and is seeing a boy I don't like how do I put the fear of God into the kid shotgun when it comes over you know just be cleaning your shotgun or a big bowie knife and then whatever he tells you the story while you're cleaning the knife you go all right this is from Lou in Athens Georgia are you ever been Athens DGP in the figs my ex-fiance invited me to her engagement party whoa should I be rude and skip it or risk the awkwardness it's not rude to skip your fiancees and get your eggs fee that's not rude it's self-preservation man no don't go you you just you I might keeping someone up from something backstage do some kind of thing go is there a convention coming through here in the middle is that what it is we're CBI sir entered the police early thinking I'm a trained nurse coming out of it stop what we got going on out there yeah I'm just talking until security can go back there to see what the hell's going on right Jeff yeah absolutely totally absolutely you are the man what what this is from best in Minneapolis in Minnesota says dear Craig and Jeff lately my son has been asking about the birds and the bees how should I explain the facts of life to him oh don't skip all the birds and bees go straight to penises and vaginas not but anytime again you know yeah try it you know don't frighten the kid don't frighten the kid you say you know perhaps as the penises all live in a hive then they fly out and they they go to the flowers and they pick up the honey and the ticket back and then then bookies therapists appointment well we're out of time I don't have any more time for this crap so what do you think I think it's time for something else all right why is it time for that it's time for the greatest commercials in the history of commercials [Music] [Applause] [Music] did you have a nice time shadow did you enjoy yourself be in the robot I've got gas I've gotta cut down on the crystal meth twenty-seven mass gives you guys I didn't know that I mean teeth fall out and everything bad in implants [Laughter] [Applause] all right so run it by me again you're not Jeff Pearson you're coy Banderas I am under the reboot so for now I am the voice of Antonio Banderas the famous brother so you're there you have the voice yeah you give the voice and personality of Chloe Banderas he the least famous brother of Antonio Banderas yeah i can't get any endorsement deals doesn't have famous brothers oh yeah you get like a whole bunch of end it's not like you know Tito and Regis you just yeah they're the ones who have with the sexy abs and everything yeah he's got the sexy abs well he's amazing he's amazing I'm very blessed to live in his crawlspace just scurry about down there you know can I ask you about your hat okay see we call it sombrero see it's not a sombrero there's a large Sun this is a Disney one I got a map he didn't know part of what you just said will ever be on TV I like the Disneyland bar oh my god this is a bullfighter sighs I did talk to your head that's right because the underpants you have Underpants for brains that makes two of us [Music] how dare you how dare well just because you say it like that doesn't make any sense how do you really think you've got Underpants for brain no I didn't get every hat in Spain is called a sombrero no it's not I don't think you've ever been to Spain Portugal is close Portugal is a completely different language that's Portuguese yes the big thumb to me if you know it so well okay yeah fala portugues oh yeah I thought he was bluffing but he had his sleeves wait he's got a rhymes or something doesn't mean the audience liked it yeah but they're only way wrong no this is only siding with you because they hate me you know the lesbians love rhyming yeah I noticed a lesbian save me tonight what the hell if the hair clean oh I'm just saying if I did not swing the way that is you I will say my hair look from that one angle like that there like this alright and I like going to a big-box stores no not warehouse retailers I'm talking about stores that cater to women was largely vaginas you know [Applause] Hey Oh calm down oh no we got a accident Oh finally lesbian wrong [Music] till I go into the big book stores there boy Banderas Oh megusta Thermage Craig C is that a real spanish matador ha you're wearing or the chemos yes in Spain we killed the cats in a quarry de he's magnificent yes no you look we don't kill cats court no no of course we don't do that yeah we would never you never even we do shoot cats no anyway no one any one's looking but people if people think we're even joke here number i know people for the fabulous treatment of animals will get so mad and you know I'm a big supporter of pizza and it'll be a great work and I don't want them thinking I'm in any way suggesting people with insight to be a big supporter for years yeah but I don't understand why you need a big thing to hold your genitals ah I see so why do I need a big thing to be shirts big feet you know they're big shoes big feet shoot cats no no but you get you can't say that idealist CBS Tiffany network this is the place where we have all the classy proof yeah one can say with a straight face I can't say it with a straight face say with a 3/10 of what face I didn't understand myself well that's probably a good thing but if you don't understand you then there's a good chance the Saints er won't understand you and we we might get somebody on the air tonight gonna be a real short one yeah [Music] so would you like us take us to the first part of the show come on [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] welcome back to the big show tonight yeah you know nothing's going over there old Underpants but why have you go under pants and under your hat you just you know sometimes I like to stuff I like the stuff too but I don't wear underpants under my hat yeah but you just like to stop to shove it about I got a big a brain up there yeah I didn't get any of that you get any of that first one thing I hate it's an accent meat and grain that means you and me both I mean tambien it's like ambien with a tea I do like ambien with a nice cup of tea and I should have 14 an ambien you never have to watch the rogue a is the drink of kings and queens but now being in your tea the best was lovely that's what the Queen drinks you know she does look good you know why is the Queen as the queen of 109 900 the intern is that true did you know that number you can count on me for accurate numbers in Spanish pretty soon they're gonna make an app out of me what time is the commander's time to read emails and tweets [Music] arrey ready [Music] oh this is that this is from this is from Marina and Frankfurt Germany Yammer I ever been at Frankfurt Germany you know any better Frank yes they good marvellous sausages they do have marvelous sausage they called them wieners like we like our slang name for penis now they call them sausage tae-young huh and they stuffed our mouth with them are you okay okay everything's fine with me ever no carry you thanks Martha yes everything's with me I'll write it down for you later what weiners all right every time I got an email from Germany I have to speak in a German accent that doesn't bother you doesn't know Clara Kathy dear Craig want Jeff or you know Chloe Banderas I am single and all of my friends are constantly trying to hook me up with somebody are they being nice or are they patronizing me your German so I'll say this in a way you're understand lightens up what you do know those thank you [Applause] but if you swear with an accent that's what brings the lesbians around to your site you get them that's how you get them that's how you get them Hector how about New Jersey said hey Craig and Jeff Cleve induce my girlfriend can't sleep with the TV off and I can't sleep with the TV on which results in constant arguments what can I do Oh sleep with a man or sleep with a man who's on TV birds birds one stone this is from Marjorie in Montreal Quebec dear Craig and boy Pandarus my brother is about to be 26 and he won't move out of the house and I want his bedroom any advice on how to make him move out I do is I throw a commercial but that doesn't that's not gonna work in this circumstance we I just I'm just we got to feel like it depends I'm sorry yeah yeah tell your brother who's lived there his whole life oh oh we've got to fumigate the place you're gonna have to move out yeah we're so sorry that's how Antonio got me out of the crawlspace then it might work all right this is from mark and Aloha in Oregon I don't know there was a time called Aloha and Oregon it doesn't mean to Lourdes again if your heart walk are you okay yes I'm saying I'm saying I wine in a Hawaiian accent ha ha you think Hawaiian and then you're choking on cat fur duh I never true I have never choked on a cat and I have never shot a cat look I love all God's creatures except cats it's a joke I love cats all right this is from Maureen in Portland and Maine because there's two Portland's one Oregon in what it may that's right yeah well an Aloha it makes right I don't know all right dear Craig and Chloe My partner and I are looking to expand our sexual experiences and would like to try a threesome any suggestions and where to find that third person [Applause] [Music] Oh No I don't know where you'd find anyone but you're a bidding a threesome now yeah but it didn't turn out so good really have what happened however I was kind of a fifth wheel it was a so it wasn't a threesome then it was a five so yeah he was a group thing and I came I was really late it was I didn't know it was fall back so I was already going and then yeah crazy game of people Jenga and you don't know what clear Jenga made with just a bunch of bodies in a stack why why isn't her looking oh I think my face is broken alright let's take a break we'll try and fix Ecuador right bye [Applause] welcome back to the Big Show where well it's not that big a show really it's a pretty small show but we have that why not no chance take that everyone else if your bands and your publicity machines and your quit on we don't need those guys you know we do we do need those guys but we don't have them but what we do have what do we have I can to remember not much really but each other it's nice we got each other our faith in the human spirit you got your health you've got your I got a battery it's time down over here in that case let me introduce my first guest this evening [Music] don't say any bit of us nothing about the Malthus between you and me there's the best literally the best show you ever did I think you and I both know that's not true it was pretty good do this do this expression yeah that's pretty good I could always tell when it's you Chloe Banderas cuz you're wearing your hat or as they say in Spanish sombrero that's right I also have a sexy neckerchief have you ever run from the Bulls I would touch I'd chase Dennis Rodman for a couple years I guess yeah and then Scottie Pippen he won't call me back but here that's got it babe let me ask you what's the Rodman up so you don't see much and you don't see much of him let's see he married Carmen Electra and then he put on a dress and he poor wore some makeup well no no no that's Dave Navarro Oh if I give them all confuse up in my rolodex of Carmen Electra's excess do you think you think Dave Navarro - done well and the Chicago Bulls oh he's so little yes a little and guapa great distraction they could send him out as he likes carry people you got some Chicago bill there to be like yes this one we did no shirt than this the beautiful oh you got you gotta wear a shirt they NBA rules clearly state you got a version all right and perhaps and a kerchief why do you sing neckerchief like that why do i you just say nigga chips got to connect a chi see how good it feels you know the weird thing is the minute I did it I started to enjoy a little bit better can I think again they got a jacket [Music] you are going to get an endorsement deal with neckerchiefs I didn't know they were a company they're huge back when I confront them where do you come from again you know oh you sing let me sing that no reason to humiliate me that was beautiful yes I wasn't humiliating an end with your hot dogging a little bit yeah I was joining in with the good-natured hi chicken like an angel and you were showing off a little bit well a little bit with a bit more I pocket door tomorrow yeah so you think you can Craig you can Craig use your Crocky tonight that rope is very scratchy propylene can underwear you wear Khloe Banderas is Cleveland Aris today I can tell for the Hat Fifi you get there by sombrero that I'm wearing it's me something that's possible breathable breathable I'm sorry I have a great deal of difficulty with your accents okay but that's though I usually wear like live animal fur cause the animals still breathing a couple squirrels to make sure they're still breathing so I'm breathable down there is that legal to put live animals in your pants in this country there is a small but underground group of us you I can get your membership is that that Richard Gere's just an urban last area that cross the line and beside it was Rod Stewart all right sure about that merits jury doesn't have anything going on that well he might actually just a whole bunch of squirrel yeah yeah I feel bad for these woodland creatures of the natural habitat surrounded by it's a good life for them user purpose yeah instead of aimlessly wandering around the forest gathering nuts I will be wandering around nuts gathering a forest I for life we're going to let that sit there but you wrapped it up nicely yeah I care to take us to the commercial break my favorite part of the show their first break [Applause] [Music] [Applause] hey hey boy Benares hit maybe some of that hot Spanish mouth organ [Music] alright alright yeah I know who you're all thinking oh oh come on drink more Philip Larkin maybe later right okay think Oh what it's time for yeah yeah yeah do the thing you know when you say what oh you ready I'll tell you what time is and then you tell us right okay a tweet no yeah all right then just do the jingle [Applause] [Music] [Applause] all right this is from Kim and Nags Head North Carolina you're a bit of North here in North Carolina there Tar Heels makuta Pike ray gun Jeff probably means Chloe people never take their shoes off when they come to my house is it too obnoxious to put up a sign yes hell do you think you are take your shoes open you up I suppose you've got carpets do you take your shoes off when you go into somebody's house there Chloe unless their health is a Japanese restaurant No do you remember that scene in that movie where the Mafia guy Donnie Brasco and he goes to the Japanese restaurant and he's wearing a wire and on his boot boot and if they all that intrigued yeah Ronnie Depp that's Johnny Depp he can make anything interesting wanted that exact anything except the rum Diaries interesting the rum Diaries and shockula or how do you what how do you say that word Chocola it's a French word for chocolate okay I didn't good does French are crazy them all they are cream gonna border very close to Barcelona do you ever got there to France and sometimes we cannot round up there we go to the see the can can see the cat can we get in a time machine hence we go see the kingdoms all right this is from Patrick in Reno Nevada you ever heard of Reno Nevada it's a very exciting time just to the north a lot of a lot of good people live there take crystal meth that was the TV show about it that was very definitely was an actor on that used to wear short so I didn't care for him he went missing yeah he did I think he went on a spree Oh a crime spree he went and a sort of humping driver yes he was he starts to dry humping celebrities we didn't know all my goodness gracious I hope he got Dave Navarro that's the thing that's will get him into trouble because Dave Navarro was so oiled up then the actor who you wore the shorts calibers name we can flew off him and crashed in Dennis Rodman oh the tragedy buddy with justice he was a character actor who cares he's the interesting thing about him he was a character actor but he was handsome in an odd way throughout 15 pounds for sure yeah I didn't want to say what was I letter about Patrick who says that dear Craig and Co he actually says Chloe look at dickering I eat candy work all day and I'm too tired to cook a real dinner when I get home should I begin stand about my health what does this fall under my youthful 20s you ass you eat too much candy in your twenties when I was my 20s I was too in class a narcotics no I'm an advocate now it's a terrible way to live IM down near killed me I think I just turned everything in there PSA there G now UD yeah D yes nice would you ever do what would you do a PSA for if they asked you for me probably about be careful with your neckerchief like of you leaning over to blow out some candles oh yeah I could catch fire like the famous dancer Isadora Duncan my groove wore a big long neckerchief go in a convertible car I got caught in the wheel and strangled her they still have her head on display yes there was a terrible grisly and horrible but we all still talk about it's all better till we talked about any of that something is that what you said I see with quoting Oscar Wilde I said if better to be talked about my Oscar Wilde was Irish he wouldn't say that's the best Irish accent I can do I don't know here's the thing about Oscar Wilde I know he's thinking Craig when will you get back to Philip Larkin in a while but Oscar Wilde oh he dipped his balls in Clio all the time all the time no I think he dipped his an absence that's yeah way every time you look up in Ireland that's Oscar Wilde the dipping his balls in a clown that's what makes the rainbow that's what makes rainbows yeah masturbation in person Oscar Wilde difficult that's you that's right do you know what that makes me think that makes me go No well we've a completely at a time I hope that's helped anyone had [Music] [Applause] [Music] after that okay you know what we great to hear you I don't know I'm doing Transylvanian you got a reboot what already boot or reboot I thought you said something by the way I'm working on impressions of other robots okay let's see where you go hey I'm r2d2 oh that one was in Buck Rogers Beetle Bailey Buck Rogers that one ble ble ble it's like we're there check out this one danger William Robinson I'm worried about my hair tonight is feeling very springy don't please don't worry you look amazing I'm worried about this is a big show for me today this is sure 1422 Wow and it got really thick to eight good ones in there I think you'd be very kind there was one one or two good ones the first shoes were very bad but really let's go to a flashback are you doing it right now okay I used to say cheeky monkey they died monkeys they got little too cheeky one night that I had to take care of them a girl cheeky monkey will rip your face off get there like bears they look cuddly you go up and try and hug them and they go crazy that's why I don't go to those bars anymore no I don't they are adorable though with our plaid shirt are their dad and our or the internal on the lumberjacking yeah and when you hug them you feel the hair crinkling in their back that was a really specific singing thing again yeah you know it's a fighting but sorry no I'm not going I'm leaving the show for a while you live in the chauffeur that's right oh yes your regular personality is back today I'm going I'm going on tour I'm the understudy for Celine Dion [Music] that's ridiculous you don't look anything like a Canadian you'd be surprised No from the cheap seats I kind of do my heart goes out to your a no it's my heart goes off and you have to do the app you do that thing you know okay look [Applause] really cool you think they that was for aliens in Stonehenge oh my goodness I think he was just like they with they was playing Jenga for Giants that was a lot of work to get the Jenga her Giants have an endorsement deal with them I have to mention them in any or G or druid sentence I think you have an endorsement deal with Gingka maybe not after tonight but did you notice my hair when I came out I knew I should have been wearing a hat like you and then my hair would have been sold I thought you look like if alfalfa go up to be Sam all kind of sexy guy and they and they like details have caught like as night of the me you don't like Ashurbanipal fat that runs on Cinemax like sexy alpha that's right thank you little rascal that's all down let's go if that rascal is not so little you always like singing at the end to make things sexy don't you sometimes it makes something that does not work to world I know exactly what you mean Lisa's nicer I saw you looking at she thought delicio thought yes no she's not actually she's Irish oh that's the way I pronounce that that's Irish again I can form the world tomorrow well would you this is where we come back into I am 2.8 Dolph if you're just joining us we've had a terrible time so far my hair went up it went down that's better House knows it it feels like it's staying put all right well I just hit my downstairs that's still flapping around the erotic Adventures of alfalfa starring me I'm going to talk like this for the rest of the show we are going to make a mid-level fortune that's absolutely right if I talk like this alls I'm Ivette different from how you normally do I don't normally talk like this I talk mostly like something a little different to this I can't any different that's because you're a foreigner which means your ghastly and unpleasant yes I goof no I didn't understand any of that what time is it Chloe but time [Music] three three but also email all right this is from Rita in Kamloops and British Columbia that's in Canada of course you're Canadian oh yeah you can see Kamloops it's a magnificent part of where the bears go look if it's any consolation to you I don't know what's going on either we'll get through it soon your cable will be repaired and we'll never have to see each other again [Music] dear Craig and Chloe Banderas my ten-year-old son wants to take up ice hockey he's Canadian as his mother I'm concerned about concussions and broken teeth how can I convince him to choose a safer sport you can't it's awful you can't persuade a ten year old Canadian boy that wants to play ice hockey not to play ice hockey that's like the reverse of Billy Elliot right that's right nothing you know he turns to curling he turns the Carling and then from you know what curling's the gateway sport to heroin down that strong people Jenny they can get their pilings and need fruit in the ice and then they have to wait for a long time so they turn to drugs they take heroine and ending up consumed the store and eventually comes up and they all go heroin is the only way that curling makes sense [Music] that's not very nice thing to say on st. Andrew's Day I'll believe not what the patron saint of Canada st. Bob trick question Celine Dion is the pigeon I did know only since like the mid 90s oh no probably when that big movie came out when her heart went on yeah yeah yeah did you like that movie oh my goodness gracious I love a young a yummy Leo DiCaprio yeah I guess I like I liked her and that movie which there in the car and they're having sex and she suddenly puts her hand on the car whether in the window like that what is a feature film that was in theaters now it's a video I rented anyway this is from Donny and Geneva in New York you ever been even New York or even Geneva Switzerland Oh magnificent or the tiny watches did Craig and Chloe Banderas have you ever considered the big cash prize you offer to guests would seem even bigger if it were dominant denominated in coins yeah I thought about it [Music] great idea let me write it down and then at the end of the show I'll burn it this is from Greg and Salisbury Maryland you ever been in Salisbury there Mel oh yeah it's come for the Stansberry stay for the steak personally when I'm in Maryland I go for the craps wait for it wait for in my pants all right dear Craig enjoy ponderous I'm studying for my SATs I'll be doing poorly on practice questions what would be a good resource for me to enhance my vocabulary okay go to at some point in some place in your school there may be a machine that looks something like a like a kind of sort of a little bit like this but a little bit larger and probably more modern for the screen on it it's called a computer there's something on there called the Internet and you can look like that'll help you with the SATs right Oh Clara cases you can use the online online wop d-ohh yeah use that they are like all right this is from a nuance Salinas in California or Salina so maybe Salinas Elena said owners like vagina vagina I don't really know there's no Regina you know what a lovely Regina thank you you probably don't say oh what a lovely vagina either you probably try not to mention when you get to that point the talking's done I think really if you're meeting the Queen you might say the Queen if you met the Queen on a nude beach you might Wow good day to you your majesty and while I'm bowing man just say what a fabulous royal vagina yeah why good day dear [Music] thank you very much originally by Elizabeth the fast oh we out of time oh that's a shame we'll be right back do you ever think about getting stuffed before you came ask Ellen that would be so great if they could have mummified me yeah that would have been so nice are you into taxidermy no I can get you Louie Anderson's foot I know using his feet you can't have you can't get Louie understands feet no I know I got one oh that guy hey you made yourself laugh there passing car with passing wind yeah well uh you're gonna you're gonna go back to your normal Jeff Peterson personality tomorrow for a couple of days and yeah thank God I'm going I'm at the reboot it's complete all right well it's been lovely having you here come back and join us soon won't you thanks now I'm going to power down have you seen me power down before let's say no it goes like this power [Music] I think you're making this up as you go along I'm really glad you're back man I'm glad to be back yeah that's awesome I with you Jeff if you if you'd be marching the show for the past couple of weeks first of all since saw your cable doesn't work and secondly Jeff was going through a reboot with his personality was all mixed up but you're back now you're cured right back that's right as Lucy Bulls I just want to do a couple of personality checks on you just to make sure it's really you ready all right how do you feel in your bag [Music] so we're putting the old band back together then back on the road yeah

Channel: The Jayleno Fly

Views: 386,690

Rating: 4.8663211 out of 5

Keywords: craig ferguson, craig ferguson and the ladies, flirting masterclass, funny late night, best talkshow, funny talkshow, talkshow compilation, talkshow moments, flirt talkshow, geoff the robot, the jayleno fly, funny moments, super happy fun time hour with robot and old man, jason schwarzman geoff, larry king geoff, angela kinsey geoff, celebrities voice geoff peterson, tom lennon geoff, louie anderson geoff, dominic monaghan, lauren graham geoff, geoff peterson compilation

Id: s6e68f8NSEs

Length: 191min 41sec (11501 seconds)

Published: Mon Dec 04 2017