Norm Macdonald Dennis Miller Ultimate Compilation 3 Hour 21 Minute Mix

he anchors the weekend update on saturday night live and he has recently quit the nasty habit of smoking nor macdonald [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] now uh you're a young iconic class norm you know the kids they get you what i was gonna wear a suit and i i i i i i don't think i like this whole d.b cooper look for you man this is now is he the guy who jumped out of the plane no no he's married alice cooper now the thing i'm uh do you remember you wrote for my first talk show yeah you gave me your microphone i used to come in the room and you and drake sailor had no lights on it was like some [ __ ] anton levay satan cult in there and you guys used to turn out the sickest jokes ever and everybody was always smoking then i see you on saturday night live during the opening credits and one of the things i like about you is you're completely unfiltered on that show you'll say anything and i saw in the picture you had a cigarette in your mouth this guy just doesn't give a [ __ ] so i asked you to come on i find out you pussed out on me and quit smoking what is that all about no because it's bad for they you these [ __ ] things on the side you have to read the fine print where it says it's bad when did you first start smoking i said this moment as a kid like when i was uh i was like 14 and i thought i'll look really cool like if i start smoking because i didn't get along with anybody so i started smoking wouldn't you know it i did look cool all of a sudden all these broads like me and everything not bribes but ladies and girls and uh it was hard though man because i was i was guilty about all the time i smoked cause i always thought you know that i always knew it was bad for me you know like even though some you know some guys will say that it's good because their uncle lived long or somebody smoked you know they'll go hey what about you know that old guy uh you know bert mustin what about that guy you know and then uh uh he he just because he lived long that doesn't mean anything right that's just one guy you can't just because bert mustin lived long you're all of a sudden you did your master's theses on this didn't you now that people body a lot when you're smoking or people pissed off when yeah people don't like when you smoke you know they they're bothered like i gotta admit though secondhand smoke is bad like i don't like when i smoked i didn't like secondhand you know i like that first-hand smoke because you get to suck it right out of the cigarette you know and the second hand so any any [ __ ] thing that's already been ingested by someone is not as good you know like a pork sandwich is delicious but after a digested pork sandwich that's [ __ ] [ __ ] you know [Applause] you can't fight that logic norman you cannot do you think advertising brings kids to smoking you know they a lot of fight with the joe camel thing do you think they really yeah they go no yeah definitely they got it because the thing is this the advertisers they got to go after kids because they're not going to get adults like there's not going to be a 50 year old guy going hey i should start smoking that goddamn camel look at him [Applause] he's got little children so careful yeah that's a frightening looking beast because he looks like a [ __ ] i didn't make this up and i know you don't mind firsthand [ __ ] but you don't know that don't say that i know how this stuff happens man because a buddy of mine worked on saturday night live and he said he was a [ __ ] once as a joke then he said everybody consumption saying are you a [ __ ] game i'm gay man i mean show about smoking they thought you meant the british word for cigarettes all right uh exactly can i bum a [ __ ] that's what they say in england where else all right uh think about joe campbell looking like a [ __ ] dennis oh yeah i lost my train of thought thanks for bringing me back is this this is what i've noticed he look he doesn't even look like a [ __ ] camel he looks so much like a [ __ ] because you know how it's usually subliminal yeah where you have to find the [ __ ] right this character you have to find the goddamn camera [Applause] [Music] yeah believe me when you only get two humps out of a [ __ ] it's not worth smoking all right now line two we got a phone call for you although i can't believe they'd still be on the line after this departure uh line two we've got beverly from middletown ohio beverly yeah hi dennis hi uh norm hi you didn't know my name i don't think yes i did i watched saturday night do you like it yeah i liked it when dennis was on it i watched dinner get out of here you're great at that man you're great at this you know why because you don't give a [ __ ] about dennis you know what i mean it's like the best thing you can do whenever i'd go on they go what's it like following chevy and i like chevy it makes me laugh what the [ __ ] do i think about chevy i'm trying to make a living here you know what i mean when i see you i know you're thinking the same thing like screw dennis i'm killing okay uh anyway go ahead what's your question okay since nicotine is such an addictive drug do you think someday you'll have to have a prescription to buy a pack of cigarettes well you know they always bring up the constitution and talk about how we should still have the right to a militia and all that but let's face facts this country was built on tobacco growers so you know if you're going to start changing if you're not going to change one thing because it comes from way back then you can't change this either there are farmers out there who make a living tobacco's one of the crops that got this country going so no i don't think they'll ever make it illegal yeah no they shouldn't make it illegal i know i think norm's backing me up on that what made it what motivated you to quit um well i guess you know i guess i was just i read this thing about how uh it was like a fa uh phallic symbol and that my doctor went in i said he said you probably have an oral fixation which you know what that means let's not kid ourselves right so uh that's why i always smoke like cigarettes instead of cigars because if i'm going to have a i'd like a little white thin [ __ ] you know [Applause] i'll bring back the [ __ ] again i go away to ohio middletown the center of the universe to take a nice clean call and then i space out i'm thinking i can't listen to norm for a second i gotta get a time cue here i come back and you're talking about about a thin white [ __ ] in i don't know i don't have a thin white [ __ ] in my [ __ ] in my mouth no no you misunderstood what i'm saying is this i understand don't make the mistake of thinking i [ __ ] listen to you i just want to make it clear about that [ __ ] thing i was just saying if i ever was gay if they like suddenly made it mandatory or something i would choose the smallest [ __ ] and i'd like a guy that came fast [Applause] i thought the subject was cocked no cox is next week i'm sorry does that answer your question yes it does lord mcdonald ladies and gentlemen good day no just thinking you know because that had that viagra thing out yeah and the other day but you know bob dole said came right out and said he was one of the first yeah and you know you don't want to hear about bob dole's [ __ ] you know i mean president clinton's [ __ ] bob dole's [ __ ] what the hell but mostly an old man like that an old man you don't want him to have a super hard [ __ ] you know what i mean why why because an old man you want him to be i got pipe going a newspaper the dog at his feet there well that in some corners is considered pipe oh but now they're going to have to create some goddamn pill that makes women arouse at the sight of a [ __ ] 70 year old dude with a super hard cop you know what i'm saying it's crazy this is viagra it's insane and you know it's for infinite people all right for infinite guys so get this the i read this the the the pill can make your [ __ ] hard for four hours right so now who has before our hard [ __ ] the impotent guy the rest of us are [ __ ] me and you me and you got a regular cox meanwhile [ __ ] spade is you know [Applause] once there's too much [ __ ] talk i try to just zone out for a minute till it goes back the other way if there's too much cocktail this guy has fevered nightmares all night dreams i mean like sweaty fevered dreams from the cocktalk that's been all over his head why bury me twice he's killing me no he's a good man maddie raised it all right no he's a good fan who cares after all that that's nice that's the white out he puts on after he talks about you doing chin-ups on [ __ ] for 18 minutes he's a good guy if you're a gay he's a completely straight guy he gets a lot of ladies you know that about him with the ladies don't say ladies women girls okay thank you ladies what are we [ __ ] on an fm station here he's john cornelius but he's gay guys man i was reading you know about this he's gay guys i haven't even said hi yet all right tell me tell me what it is with these gay guys i just read this thing about the michael uh aren't you yeah i got a little time off now i read the news and this really strikes me about the gay community i don't know if they're a community man but um west hollywood yeah they're they're they're gay and it's you know george michaels he hangs around the bathroom he has sex with multiple guys this is no no no no way you got to get it right i hangs around the bathroom and it was uh described as a lewd behavior but i i don't remember sex with numerous guys well what is that what you took away from him what does he do where were you in the next stall i could have been just having a nice bathroom regular thing i don't know what lewd behavior is but i don't know that he was in there with numerous guys but we get the gist this definitely a gay thing like because this is a pop superstar you know what i mean you're not going to walk into a bathroom and all of a sudden farrah fawcett's like ah you know you're not gonna [Applause] i love it what i'm saying is why why would a famous what was she doing some sort of cervical belt sander that's what they do that's what ladies that i know do good but know that prime time exposure's paying dividends there but i think that's what it is is that the gay uh they that's why they have separate bathrooms let's face it if they had women and you know women as you call them i call them ladies if if you had them in the same bathroom like you go in the bathroom to do your business see a man about a dog there you know and you're you're in the bathroom you're in the bathroom all of a sudden a beautiful lady comes out oh here's my vagina and breasts you're going to be hanging out that bathroom a lot so i don't blame anybody for anything can you believe ohmeyer didn't get him we're all the same man have you ever met omar since then donald meyer i met once yeah after he fired me yeah then i went and visited him in his office which was it was it wasn't an office i've never seen it was like a wet bar and a uh a bunch of weird sports trophies he's a big sports guy you know yeah so he explained it to me what happened but he did it all with sports stuff you know like he said ah man you see you're the number three hitter but now you're gonna be number eight and then uh later on uh ken griffey will show up i don't know what the hell he was talking about and then i said well man what the hell am i supposed to do and he goes i don't know just walk it off you know and uh i'll put it in sports terms while you got fired you were [ __ ] with oj too much that's exactly why you were fired man i don't know that's his buddy yeah it's his buddy yeah well that's why you got cam oj's a good guy i mean is that we gotta end on that barbie but there's what they'll remember you buying a good guy thanks for coming on nor mcdonald david straight stick around luckily we have the good taste to bring tonight's guests back every season he is as uncensored a wit as they come his new sitcom the norm show is on abc wednesdays at 9 30. please welcome george wendt ladies and gentlemen [Music] [Applause] [Music] how are you i'm all right huh you're in you're out my favorite guest all right you're a good man because you have no uh no inner barometer of how far to go well no because it's hbo i try i i like to be dirty you know and it's fun you know what you're you're like a profane child that's why i'm thinking because you always trust me i like to be dirty then you go up on this pinchiness [ __ ] ramp for like three minutes [ __ ] are ugly and joe camel's a [ __ ] and you're always shuffling your feet what are you nervous about you're a star for christ how's that sitcom world is that hell or do you like that over there it's not a lot of fun but uh you know it's good to uh uh uh dude no it's not on old meyers as meyer sent you a congratulatory telegram or what word am i looking for though oh my i haven't heard any uh missive who's the old meyer at your network uh this lady jamie tarsus do you think you're funny yeah yeah yeah omar's not even there anymore isn't it it wasn't one of his last official duties to whack you yeah he took off and they got this other guy and i think it's maybe sammy sosa scott sassas [Applause] all right now i'm going to do a rorschach thing what flashes into your mind when i say bad taste what do you find about this uh well there was this uh performance art guy i remember in new york that uh his whole big thing was you take a picture of our lord and savior jesus christ of nazareth and then jesus christ and then his whole act is he he'd piss on it with his [ __ ] wow you know at least he showed respect he could have pissed with his what arm all right all right so i thought that was really and horrible that's over the lines yeah because jesus christ you know he died for the guy's sin and then the guy pisses on his picture and it was a picture of jesus dying for his sins like he was on the cross going oh i'm dying for the guy's sins and then this guy's like pissing all over it but you know when judgment day comes he's going to have to face jesus christ of almighty of nazareth you know and jesus is going to say hey [ __ ] what's with the pen on my picture that negates every other good thing he ever did you know yeah he's like you don't piss on my picture you don't want to come up to the gates of having gods leaning there with a nunchuck strapped around his neck you know how do you go i'll have some performance air for you while the [ __ ] devil shoved some coal up your ass [Applause] as i said before the child like outro but effective how do you define bad taste is it like beauty is it in the eye of the beholder or what yeah it kind of is you know it depends on what people some people like get all upset over certain words like they think that that like girls all the time man when i'm talking to him like if i go hey uh uh how about you and i like [ __ ] you and know the girl always goes like i don't [ __ ] i make love i make love and i go i don't whatever you want to call as long as my my dirty cock's involved you know i don't care i'm not you know i'm not going to get in a semantic argument you know you can go making a grilled cheese sandwich as long as as long as there's a lot of meat [Applause] now what's the earliest into a uh hitting on a woman that you've ever said i want to [ __ ] you do you you give it a couple minutes right i try to get into it pretty quick throw that trump card no you're in the game i don't because i don't like uh i don't ever ask them to would you like to have dinner i don't really like having dinner with them or or having a drink with them or anything like that no you know so that's your sort of exchange with women is uh yeah i say hey how about you me [ __ ] and then they go no and then they go how about we have dinner and i go i don't like dinner you don't like [ __ ] when do you remember first being cognizant of bad taste you know because when you're a little kid everything's kind of funny you know like farting is explosive very funny when do you remember first being able to differentiate between bad taste and good taste i know when you're a kid you'll say anything like i don't remember much but i have a little boy you know sweet little boy you have a son yeah i didn't know that yeah you want to say hey to him yeah i hate it that's what i always say you can't watch daddy right so a little dylan and i went to el pollo yeah his original name was zimmerman though right i thought that would be the coolest name as i was a kid i never heard anybody named dylan i said this will be cause i love dylan thomas so i said this would be a cool name for a kid and i thought it'd be unique and how every [ __ ] kid is dylan and they named him after that 90210 guy that's what i read and i'm not a book but a periodical so anyway um little dylan and i were getting some chicken at the toyo loco right and kids are so uh wonderful you know you know that's unfiltered they're unfiltered exactly so we're standing beside this huge fat rod you know it's not as unfiltered so me and little dylan are behind her and he goes daddy look how fat she is and then so i i have not said you're not supposed to call fat people fat to him so it wasn't his fault so i said no it's always good enough with that and he goes i bet she's going to eat a lot of chicken i bet it was really funny because everybody's looking at her and then ray at that moment the guy goes hey yes ma'am what would you like and she was like uh i'll have two pieces of chicken you know she was gonna order like eight full whole chickens you know why do you know that yeah how do i know that yeah maybe she wasn't gonna order eight full time because right when she ordered the two chickens she did like the shifty eye you know i don't do a good shifty one so you're behind her in line and yet able to discern the subtle rem-like movements of her eyeball you got [Applause] for the purposes of that anecdote i am not darren i thought you were gonna be quick it was linda blair we got a phone call for you believe it or not fat woman from el pollo loco no it's uh murtaugh from miami florida mertoff hey dennis hey norm how are you mark i'm good you know i can't wait to see your new show it really looks good all right when's it on again army remind them and you're good you're one of my friends i'll let you plug capriciously okay it's uh on uh the uh uh uh when uh uh oh come on you gotta get this huh where is it on where are you at yes it's on wednesday at 9 30 on the american broadcasting corporation all right so uh what's your question there mark okay why is the people like this annoying joan rivers you know always criticize people's bad taste of the academy awards you know like gwyneth paltrow who's like the hottest chick on earth and uh when she has no taste in fashion whatsoever you know man let me go all right you know what i i feel awkward here because i met joan rivers once and she was so nice to me and so funny but i agree with him to some extent when she gets like lays into kathy bates and saying you know kathy bates never did anything wrong by her and i just think there's that slight tinge of desperation in jones sometimes nowadays you know that she'll say anything and that kind of yeah i don't know sometimes that makes me uncomfortable but you know she's she's a good game she does a great show there slam and other celebrities yeah you know everyone spade did that how he lived his life in fear specifically but spade used to do that hollywood moment spade he's a great guy one of our best friends but he's he was always scared shitless because he he made his whole thing out there just trashing people and they would get pissed and call him and he was always like living in fear he never goes to hollywood parties because he's afraid somebody's going to kick his little sputnik right because everybody insults is like two and a half feet taller than him now norm have you ever have you ever done anything in your long and storied career that you consider specifically to be in bad taste as you look back on it maybe at the time you thought it was a good play but you look back on you think that was in bad taste well sometimes like in stand-up i'll do jokes that are uh that i like one time i was doing this thing in san francisco and they were all gay uh people in the audience they told me so i figured out san francisco no so i figured i'd do stuff about gay people so that they could relate to yeah swarm up they love that and so i was talking about because i went to this gay pride parade and i saw in it there were these uh old men and old ladies like with these signs that said we are proud of our gay son you know and so i was saying that's an odd thing to be proud of you know because it's not an achievement you know it's not like something you work all your life to be gay or anything like that and i i just wanted i just i i had a hard time believing that these 50 60 year old men are actually bragging you know at work like they're hey bill you know uh my kid oh my god we're proud of him johnny he uh graduated from harvard you know a first in his class you know what i mean and now he's articling over to love firm and oh yeah he loves [ __ ] [Applause] he can't get enough [ __ ] in his mouth his ass is i gotta i got a picture of the boy here sucking another man's [ __ ] [Applause] so watch the maturation of you as an artist to realize it took you nine and a half minutes to get around to the second [ __ ] stuff it's beautiful to see you comfortable in your own skin army all right the norm show 9 30 what night wednesday yeah wednesday abc good luck with it mcdonald's stick around mcdonald's now norman you're an inventive guy and which of the current batch of inventions has tickled your fancy what do you like uh well uh henry uh ford uh just invented the assembly line there right now and that was good because he wanted you know not just rich people but anyone to drive over and seize [ __ ] is there any other one that's caught your face there's alexander graham yeah you know he uh he invented the telephone right right so he could call people up tell him to come on over and see his [ __ ] you know because he's tired so norm i hear you just got back from new york city what's happening in gotham oh my god well the big thing is the new empire state building have you seen this i've heard i have not seen yet oh it's crazy what i'm interested in is the original architects blueprint you know it called for the building to be painted flesh tone dennis with a large rounded head so the architect could lie on the street and pretend he had a thousand foot [ __ ] frank lloyd wright more like frank lloyd [ __ ] so norm tell me what you're taking this whole cold war thing well my brother works down in the u.n right and you remember last week when khrushchev was banging his shoes on the table crazy bastard yeah so my brother was sitting beside him and khrushchev like he accidentally slips and my brother gets hit right in the [ __ ] with the shoe yeah my crew champs shoe so my brother's turns to him he says hey you hit me in the [ __ ] again you dirty comedy i'll bury you so what's been happening man oh man i dropped acid the other week that is bizarre stuff yeah yeah my [ __ ] started singing to me i like joe cocker stood for something other than just being mexico's [ __ ] i say president clinton 296 doesn't snap us out of this downward spiral we're in we dump his gay ass next selection process we clone jesse venturi again bring him back hey norm hey you know what i think they should put on the dark side of the moon vast fields of bio engineered hydroponically grown [ __ ] yeah you know like a backup supply just in case our earthbound supply of [ __ ] might run out one day tucked away for a cocky day exactly look at my head man it looks like a [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] this was my opinion i could be wrong all right uh is norm back no he went to the bathroom we finally get hold of norm maybe he's in minneapolis you mean with the the anglo nicholas brother it's very crazy just saying all right well let's go to our expert on the subject this is norm mcdonald what i kid i kid i know you're the world's most the world's most active hetero i'm not i'm i'm very i'm very as a matter of fact i'm very asexual why is that what drove you to that is it fear of germs or what ah just people like even like having a meal with them is hard enough you know let alone all that filthy stuff goes on afterwards so you you're literally talking about watching a grilled cheese go into the the oral orifice repulses you you you can't i know how about that larry craig guy man there's nothing to understand about that i mean what's that what do you mean a psychiatrist for you know it and i know it i mean if there was co-ed bathrooms were heterosexual there were co-ed bathrooms yeah and this kind of stuff was going on man i'd be there all the time let's not kill ourselves all right i'm not kidding myself norm you've nailed me where are you at today brother where are you calling me from i'm calling you i just woke up and christian has woke me up ah jesus why did you do that christian you know norm needs a sleep christian has become the bane of my uh precious last few moments of life what don't we know my friend have you got the uh epstein barr or what i just mean in the sense that we all only have a freshest precious few moments of life left i was talking to the broader but listen you know what i think about that center correct thing now i mean is that uh what i want to know is those codes man because you know there's these things that happen in life that i think i'm kind of cynical you know yes and then they have and i go man i didn't know that existed in life you know and one was the pit bull thing sure who would have who would have thought that people were that monstrous right right right but when i talked to people they go yeah that happens like i knew about that you know and i said you did like i never knew that but not that i compare the two but i i had no idea there was this bathroom thing going on that was so uh you know it wasn't just a small thing because they had a sting operation at a code you know the minneapolis airport the bathroom was apparently famous it's the tigris and euphrates of the code topic exactly so for you or me we would just be hopeful i can't speak for you but for me it'd just be a place we quickly run in you know these guys they get there you know they're going have you been to the minneapolis airport bathroom this place is the hottest joint in town you're mind-blowing sex there's like a velvet rope like outside studio 54. that would be a great black gentleman allowing you are you on the list you know my feeling norm is they ought to put in like grauman's chinese theater put how wide craig's footprints were in soft cement in there so people can come in for photo ops absolutely yeah i think they should put the a list of what the code is because i don't know codes you know and i i don't want to do the code by mistake because a lot of times i'll be listening to my ipod well you know the thing about the code is if you don't know it and you missed it what if i was tapping my toes to listen to my uh my uh shaver cd right and my toe tapped against an old dudes or dudes police officer and then he uh knocked on the thing and i took off my boat i go what he goes what time does i go seven o'clock i look at my watch he goes are you sure i go absolutely next thing he's clambering under or something [Laughter] i don't know misreading the whole thing at all couldn't you like if i was doing it i would just stand in the center of the bathroom thing and just you know peer it guys i know you give off the rom vibe all of a sudden you got sam drucker you know when you go to get your car re-lubed and they lay on that thing that has wheels on it you look down you get sam drucker coming under the soil into yours or if you if you misdo the code the carpathia shows up in an effort to pull people out of the lifeboats the anonymous thing to me is always because i find it like it would take me probably a year before i was comfortable enough with a person show them my back of my hair hair on my back but the anonymous part like here's a guy who's never met a guy ever you know in his whole life and he's in an airport he's like come on in sir we don't have much time you know i hope you like the place i was just defecating in it anyways i got an 840 to chicago i don't have much this robe and get to this filter i'm going to grab a slice of sabaro and all right norman i got a rock baby i'm up against a hard break as was larry craig this is the dennis miller show all right folks we are about to be joined by a comedy genius legitimate four stars my highest approval rating if i am to be the david horowitz of comedy give the the ratings i i've always thought he was a genius i met him when he was younger and but i remember the true moment where i thought this guy is an absolutely genius he used to do a parody of letterman which was so side-splittingly insightful and funny on saturday night live and my favorite moment was he had somehow gleaned that letterman was so ill at ease with being letterman that immediately he might not do it now but way back when the moment the millisecond the show was over letterman would take his jacket off and almost fling it and flee the stage and that was norm's payoff on the bed and i remember seeing it and thinking that is one of the most brilliant comedy moments that i had seen in a long time i found out uh i love this you and i like the same guy why is that it's like two girls talking so we're the we're the same guy because we're like two girls talking guys you know they would say you and i like the same guy like you know exactly it's dennis it's uh brian regan i mean oh yeah she's that guy amazing i've been talking about him forever and like all these other bad guys get tv shows right and he's the funniest guy ever and he's on the road but now he's like he's doing big uh arenas and stuff yeah something's gonna happen there norm because it's like tim allen remember tim used to fill the arenas then the next thing you know he got his payoff that's gonna happen with regan does anybody make you laugh hard i mean i'm in danger when i watch it i know it's crazy like and he's the kind of guy you want to bring people to you know well you know norm you have that impossible to be so funny and not dirty so uh well you have that in yeah you were the most booked guest i had on my nine year run on hbo because you used to just kill me man you you have that uh that ability to waste me so oh my god well you remember you were on the last show actually you played i i am a swearing man of the face that show is funny man that dennis miller show remember that show you remember of course just a young kid with a dream i was there for most of them you had the coolest jobs ever like a half hour a week i know where you just got to be yourself and talk i know they got on to me eventually no i'm doing three hours football all of a sudden like some crazy dream happens oh my god meanwhile i'm on the norm show a fever dream meanwhile i'm over on a minute with with stan hopper you know what show i would like to see you host norm and this is the god's truth the uh i would like to see you host catch a predator i see that as being a good medium for you what's your thoughts on the to catch a predator show oh no that's just you just brought it up because i was telling that guy earlier i was thinking of that show to catch a present well thank you for unfolding my conceit here i was trying to get you into the area you wanted to talk that was like a crazy coincidence because i just talked to that christian dude about that jesus norm could you defuse this anymore it was a setup i was putting the ball on the t i'm cheech maron now go ahead knock it off you're like ed mcmahon yeah exactly until you expose me remember when ed would go this is the funniest thing is when johnny would have all the periodicals you know right they show all the periodicals unbelievable that there could be so many you know they have one on hunting and one is fishing and ed mcmahon would go i'm glad you brought those because you brought every magazine that there could be on this subject every search every magazine on the subject of hunting is here in this pile there's not a magazine that isn't and then carson would come in with some sort of back rejoinder and thinking you would use that like if it was a hunting thingy you were wrong you were wrong elmer fudd no more bud breath [Laughter] i thought it'd be funny if it was a when carson had a 911 attack right this seemed funnier to me when he was still alive you know but uh he had that heart attack if there was like a 911 tape because they have them on everywhere now you know and it was johnny carson at the phoning and he was like how do you feel sir like i feel like i have a a yak on my chest you are correct tell me about it about about uh dana and uh johnny doing uh those guys because that was before i was in children's i just watched you guys on tv do it right when they did the uh the carson i love that that they do different than they really are you know i mean like that they'd play uh ed mcmahon like uh like a very in control guy you know that uh that talked back to carson you know and mocked him right that was really funny phil well that was phil's instinct to do that and uh you know who was running on phil now when you so you don't want to talk about the predators oh yeah man they catch a predator no i just they told me they said norm wants to talk about predator and all of a sudden i'm at a carson wake here are you sad about johnny's life that's misrepresenting it too because then people will think you know norm's phone and going hey can uh can i talk at all about the predator thing yeah you're right you're right it wasn't on your mind i i kind of put it there do you have any ad-lib thoughts on it and it's not going to be funny now all right you know what i've done to you it's like jerry lewis with charlie kalas with the duck hunter exactly i have to come i've been all right then let me throw your curve and see what else you go what about uh what about oj or mike vick you got anything on either of them okay then this now this is complete coincidence this is the most insane glance at this these are two big topics in the news i thought i'd just throw them out there and see if you had any observations no i'm just kidding my other ones uh michael vick was uh no i was just saying that uh you know obviously i'm against i like i do stand up you know stand up comedy sure you do and by the way i'll be there can i plug something go you can use the rest of the segment for plugs because i'm not doing any stand-up but anyway but uh when i go to the car i went to club and i thought of the idea about that michael vick first of all you know you love football obviously right yeah sure well you know sure i go way back with football and the clock fighting you know exactly so you'll say that you know michael vick was the most exciting player in the in football he could change the team by himself well that's a solid observation that's what's so sad you know what i mean the dog fighting sad too but if it was just some guy you know that was played in football like a third string quarterback it wouldn't be that sad so um but michael vick uh obviously it hurt him it hurt him and hurt his fans and hurt the whole sport we have dog fighting so you you think it's brought dog fighting down i tried to say that like drake it's good oh that's exciting can we talk about the drink but listen man vic can you imagine here's something to think about imagine if you're a dog living in a dog kennel you ever been in those top pound sure that's your house right so they suck right they're the worst houses ever and so the dog will go anywhere you know and dogs love everyone so they're just sitting in their horrible place and you know the guys you know an old bald guy comes in and wants to bring you home and you're all happy normally you're not right yeah sure so imagine you're sitting there and you're like uh hey guys man you're not gonna believe this but we got adopted all of us got adopted and you're not gonna believe for a second who it was and like whoa was it that bald guy from earlier today no i wasn't a bald guy i think uh think left-hander atlanta it was michael vick that's who it was now get out of here that's who that's who's our new owner they're excited you see very pumped up the dogs they're pumped up they're like you're kidding me i'm trying to make i try to be clean and uh and then they go and you know they go wow they're in the house you know everything's exciting they were just in a pound now they're at michael vick's house they couldn't be more excited they hit the jackpot and they're walking through the house going man i've never seen so many tvs and then you know later it's not so good when the other guys tell them you know right the other guy's gonna listen he's a good you know michael vick's complicated character and i love michael vick ralph will tell you that's uh yeah ralph is the other dog the other dog you know you know the dogs talk and they have names sure and they go crap i'll tell you you know i said vic is the best thing to have in football in forever but on the other hand uh you know he electrocuted me last week so i have mixed feelings with vic this is one name by the michael vick thing he electrocuted them which was awful and shot them right right and then in one of them he strangled them yeah it's hard saying as heinous as this seems that one part him strangling a dog a pit bull dog yes seems not so heinous it seems they're kind of brave if that's all he ever did and uh you know i'm sure michael vick's hands are really strong with a pitbull's neck well norm when i see the nuances you've peeled back on the vic story i could only i could only send you a big hearty hail thank you that you dodged the to catch a predator question that's the one i wanted to talk because i have no idea where that was so you have no you have no time on the show anymore so you can't talk about it well if you want to stay for a segment right i'm going to take a commercial can you stop i wouldn't mind telling you that telling you that to catch a president if you laugh like you didn't laugh at all that one norm listen when i'm in the presence of greatness i simply sit and i listen hang on to the predator story till after this dennis miller show two things i was wondering where sal was during that thing saves made the miscalculation of turning his mic off he was laughing so hard and he didn't think anybody would be able to hear norm i was wondering where's old sao secondly if i seem a little halting with norm now you see you hear me do a lot of interviews i'm always usually uh forced forward but i find norm such a genius i i don't want to interject and get in the way of the story gotta let them run i mean it's as good as it gets let's go back to north norm i'm sorry my friend i've got around three minutes left can you codify your thoughts on to catch a predator and re unspool a little tail my thoughts on to catch a predator cannot be captured in your uh sound bites now i know the first uh first uh i don't know what the word is in in radio in in tv on tax shows when i'm booked because the next segment right last segment bomb let's not kid ourselves no it didn't bomb kidding me it was gold it was just about yeah i i was listening to you unspoiled the gold i mean sometimes when you're on radio you know you go ah man maybe people are just laughing in the studio because that's their job but people at home are not enjoying it at all so you feel bad about yourself well the bit was blind the guys in the studio also clearly not responding to anything and then they go no the funniest was in the commercial i said so uh he goes you gotta wrap it up in a minute the predator thing you know like i'm saying i don't know it's not really a thing i don't know if i can wrap it up like so he said i said i don't think it's going well christian you didn't say that to him i didn't say that i said it was going great we were all laughing so hard we couldn't breathe we're ill-serving norm today you know the next time we have norm on i'm going to say this is norm and and let him go oh this is it dennis i said uh how long's your your show run generally you know because i listen to it on the internet and stuff like that right and he said three hours and he goes your second segment's up and i go what was my first second by the way because that was like six minutes that was your big one so the three hour show [Laughter] well we've obviously we've been gaslighting in norm we brought you in here in a deliberate effort to drive you crazy you sound suitably perplexed now but might i tell you you're you're simply the most insightful perplexed man i've ever met we'll have you back let's have norm back and give him a full half hour no because that'd be great well will you come back at this point are you so angry you're like you're a great interviewer and stuff right yeah but i was a little intimidated by you [Music] so here's a weird thing that when you're interviewing somebody because i've seen them all man i've seen par you know yeah sure i've seen uh mostly i watch par you know sure you go way back and rarely merv griffin one of the greatest ever you know he's just fast you know who is a greater interviewer than that dude nobody but griffin would never say norm i understand you want to talk about to catch a predator [Laughter] michael vick [Laughter] and something else so go ahead it was my fault i gagged it i'm sorry norm we'll have you back and i'll do it better this is the dennis miller he is a regular weekly correspondent here on the show now i'm i'm touched that he's up and out of bed and ready to chat this of course my field man the great norm mcdonald [Laughter] to the normandy though no one told me that you haven't been following it no when did this happen this drew carey thing uh drew just said that he came out and did a little advocacy for medical marijuana might be seeing a couple trails on that plinko board you know what i'm saying i i i never tried to do interviews with uh one time that i actually had to improv they had a they phoned me they said do you want to come there's a big they're doing a big thing for high times magazine i'm like no that's cool [Laughter] it was a benefit for high time [Laughter] some you have to do some charitable work since the writer's strike this is a bit i just came up with like 10 minutes ago in my head but you know how the writer's strike happened right yes did you already do this bit no no we we were just about to get to it but you beat us to it no i knew that everybody was doing doing this lame dance no no go ahead okay so i got i got i went into my vault and i got some of the older jokes you know because i was thinking sometimes maybe a writer's strike is good maybe if there was a writer's strike now people would have to write read shakespeare instead of james patterson anyways well how about uh christmas just ended i can hardly read what i'm writing [Laughter] christmas just handed and i uh i dragged out my christmas tree i found a great way to dennis to uh to get rid of it i just i just put a price tag on it on the corner and i wait for winona ryder to steal him these are cold this is gold this amnesty bill was spearheaded by teddy kennedy it died in congress and uh apparently out of sheer habit teddy kennedy didn't report it didn't report it dead for 10 hours [Laughter] but no when i winona ryder is in trouble though and uh this is a couple of days later i think i think this is a couple of weeks later can we all remember that she took the stand today now the stand is missing [Laughter] and then there's something about oh john ehrlichman this is a really old one president nixon saved the camp it says john ehrlichman i would this guy i would not buy a used car from and that's like dot dot dot it's just the start of a joke i think that i never got to finish but what's going on gary has decided at this time in his career when he's when he's becoming a game show host to talk about marijuana yeah he's going to talk about a little pop but you know drew he's a good hearted guy he's a guy a very sweet guy does the right thing what else is up in your life norma yeah and if you want to continue with the stuff from the vault i just broke a rib on a cup the erlichman thing that is the joke the dot dot dot it's like the larry king column that used to be my favorite part dot dot dot i love going down to get the mail in the morning dot dot dot i liked ethel rosenberg better than julian this is a really sad story kind of you know because i had a chance to meet johnny carson because on uh saturday night live i just did those uh dot dot dot things for weather's names for larry king yeah and then it turned out johnny carson he would wake up like every day right and and get that usa today and just phone his friends and go hey listen to this one like how [ __ ] they were you know right so when he heard mine like he was all excited so he wanted to meet me and then i didn't meet him i was afraid norm you know i love him remember you were the last show that was against johnny carson oh do i they took me to the guillotine in six months yeah i remember going again that was pretty cool well he was good to me i remember carson called me when i was uh ramping up to do the show and uh you know i'm in my office you remember we were over and where were we on the the ktla lot yeah i get a call and my secretary comes in she's almost like passed on painting she says johnny carson's on the phone and he was actually quite you know carson was a class act man he was a class act because he knew he was about to bludgeon you to death in the ratings but uh he was always a cool guy now what do you think about this dog the bounty hunter have you been following that at all norm that guy i mean that's to me that sounds racist [Laughter] but uh but like you gotta you gotta uh remember that uh even though that is a racist comment listen man we've all known bounty hunters in our time you know and they have that they have that thing like cursed like a sailor well that could go for bounty hunters just as well they just chose sailor those guys i mean they're not like you or me you know if you choose that as your career you're a bounty hunter listen you're some salty language is not going to be you may as well just be a long shoreman there's nothing worse than bounty hunting you're a genius all right we got a couple minutes left anything else you want to lay on the listeners before we leave hunting today like he's gonna get a pass on it right i don't think so norm i think he's in trouble is bounty hunting days over where does he go from we can't keep you on i'm sorry but you know you have to you know you have a a public image of of hunting down criminals in their hotel rooms at them in the middle of the night and beating them up we can't have you saying racist thing [Laughter] i don't know all right norm i'm gonna put some oxygen on my face here and recover you're gonna be on every friday now yeah that'll be fun right oh are you kidding me i don't like your peep our beauty thank you storm and norman we'll talk at you down the road this is dennis miller [Music] folks welcome back to the dennis miller show and um time for his weekly segment christian tells me that he's a sense memory guy norm is and we we had a request to do letterman earlier and evidently norm was listening on his his computer to the podcast and he heard that request but uh he has to go right to the letterman right off the bat because he cannot summon it up instantly he has to go back and well ramp up to it so he will join us i believe now as david letterman mcdonald as david letterman you want me to do it christian just told me that you wanted to do it right off the bat so because i did david letterman on saturday night laughs even though it's the o.j simpson trial started yesterday and i was also famous for i think much more famous for the eu all right wrong-headed how about this how about i compromise look i'm a big believer in compromise you know that dennis sure i do you're a mediator yeah man i'd like to think of myself that way and how about if i do my joe piscopo doing david letterman perfect oh yeah here it is uh how does it go okay guys my phone of the neighbors awake of the children you won't want to make of this one um [Laughter] right i had somebody i had somebody earlier call in and say they wanted to hear your letterman and i forgot that half of it was the look it's it's not like you're not traveling the problem is like you know like dana's a good impressionist and everything like that right you more capture the essence yeah he's great on stage doing it and then so when i'm on stage like uh uh they go hey man dude bob dole i go no a guy puts a a bob dole mask on you backstage so that helps you know suspend the disbelief yes so what's up what's up in your life today norman what would you like to chat about my friend anything i want to chat about i want to chat about oj all right go ahead big story evidently evidently somebody had a couple of his bobble heads he wanted to collect them so he got the dea ram and came in through the door to collect oh hey i got a good joke man for it but it wouldn't work for me but another dude could do it yes if he's listening he goes uh hey heisman the winner oj simpsons i wrote this down somewhere here first day in court provided a surreal experience i just have one question am i really expected to believe that o.j simpson could be capable of armed robbery [Laughter] i got to do that why couldn't you do that that's a perfect norm joke ah man i should have just done it without that stupid thing yeah the qualifier because that eats into the edifice of the joke yeah i'm like hey this joke would work except not by me right here i goes all right uh but uh what i was thinking about oj is when he goes to prison when he goes to the the uh the gray bar hotel as letterman calls it you know um you know when i went first went to new york you know all the guys at uh all the clubs the mcs would all shake my hand and talk like david letterman yeah anyway um i was thinking if o.j is going to jail let's say he goes to jail for life you know which they said at first was possible now it doesn't seem that possible no but but even if he goes to jail for five years right but let's say he did go to jail for life that would be the worst possible scenario for oj on account of he goes to jail for life right which would have happened to him anyways if he'd been found guilty like earlier plus he's lower on the pecking order because he's an armed robber right and then he's like no guys man i killed two people i did it and they're like yeah if i did it if i did it frank got the book frank squirreled in the book man so yeah i read it before he even hit the joint man all right so listen the biggest story here is in hollywood is the writer's strike right right i went on uh i went to support the picketers yeah are you a member of the writer's guild norm yes i am all right so you went down strong do you have some petty candy to hand out yeah no i'm a striker you know i want better things but it's like you're so you're eight people right there's about eight people walking around right outside of the price is right [Laughter] so and of course you know like the cars honk at you once in a while and it's not like anybody in the in the uh places are looking out like all worried like nixon you know right with the fires on the street you know right it's not that threatening where the park here though we want the world we want it now kids are across the street threatening their life and then they were saying like the shows that it affected like on tv last night yeah like all the sitcoms it affected and it was like five and then i guess there are only only five sitcoms on the television now right so uh and then i went there and then i was like so i'm like yeah solidarity with these writers and then i'd see this guy and i go oh that guy sucks i'm not a good writer at all the only job he could get is picketer so how did the how much time did you log on the picket line norm and how were you received by the other eight people were they starstruck that you were there or did they embrace you as a fellow scribe oh no no no many of them didn't recognize me really i find that hard to believe yeah i don't know if it's uh i figure it could be a couple things what's that maybe they're just such a younger generation now you know that he's had his young wonks you know or uh or maybe my career is fizzled into oblivion no no what are you hey listen man since the writers strike though it makes even more sense to go to the vault i love when you go into the vault i love when you go into the vault give me a couple minutes perfect sense because i can't i can't since i'm a member of the writer's deal i can't write jokes no but you can take stuff that was written prior to the strike and yeah and it was also i i'd like to make a note about the vault yes it uh these jokes have never been done anywhere else no they were placed in the vault just in such a case like ed mcmahon in a pristine condition the funniest when ed mcmahon would when he'd have all the magazines you know right and these questions have never been seen throughout all those magazines because you've brought every magazine there is a nature and wildlife is in this [Laughter] [Laughter] how great were those guys whenever people would go like oh letter i mean uh ed mcmahon sucked i agree no no he was great man they completely missed the point ed was a freaking genius to kill me he knew what he was there for well give me a nugget from the vault give me a give me a circa 19 i don't know what do you have a joke from the 90s the early parties this one okay let's see man that doesn't seem like a good one from the vault to start on no we'll put it away then put it back hard what about that next one in front right what about the next joke in front of you i'm starting to i don't know i'm losing i'm quit man i am quickly losing faith in this bit the vault [Laughter] i hate to say it um there's gonna be one yeah well last night i i tried to take my mind off things i went to see that new hugh grant movie three weddings and a black hooker joke should stay involved [Music] hey listen man what about that how about that rick james he's in trouble uh he's in a lot of hot water for assaulting a girlfriend here's a little note to the ladies getting branded on the thigh with a cigarette not foreplay a little tip to the ladies this is oh no actually i forgot i found something about that sort of sort of um topical because it's it was just halloween and my pumpkin is sitting out on the stoop yes a week after halloween you know uh-huh so it's still a little wrinkled and today anna and nicole smith dated us so [Laughter] that's anna nicole smith she's a great gal yes but she does like the older fellas where there's a will there's a wake i don't know that one seems tasteless because this is what we know now vanna that was a bad mistake from the vault yeah sometimes the situation changes norm and you know you have to reevaluate the the gold that's coming out of the vault but i think the pumpkin joke is a is an evergreen or whatever orange you can pull yeah i think i would pull that out yearly that's a good idea yeah you got to have your evergreens now are you going over to the strike line today by the way i'm going to go over there i'm going to meet a couple of guys there that are my friends right very mediocre writers deserve really whatever they are offered you know they should take [Laughter] most of these guys i know them personally you know and they're gaming the system to begin with yeah they're getting very very well com remunerated if we're doing a remuneration these guys are way above their heads they came here all right well go over and fight the good fight norm you you're you're the new eugene debs [Laughter] we'll talk to you next week my friend always good to chat at you the great norm mcdonald's this is the dentist joining me now is the genius that is comedian norm mcdonald norm we have a phone call for you from dan in boise dan what is your question well norm uh everybody's bringing up these licenses for illegals and that they they need to have them my question is where are they getting the license plates obviously we're letting them register vehicles without licenses and in this day of car bonds and stuff i don't know if that's a good idea thank you dan from boise norm what's your feeling well um i know that the new york governor governor spitzer i'm trying to get to learn things but he uh he doesn't want to issue uh licenses to uh illegal immigrants you know and uh i don't know how the hell you're going to get a cab in new york city anymore it's hard enough you know for me especially as a black man i'm sorry normie i just dropped that question into your lap because i knew that you would handle it and volley it back seamlessly oh man dennis this morning i i had a bad idea yeah i i got a trainer right i decided to work out hey by the way i i i heard your uh news uh saying right before yeah yeah and they were talking about telecommunications thing yeah and that uh you know because people are all freaked out that their their phones are being tapped all the time you know i think people are so self-involved that they think anybody cares about them but uh you know nobody wants their phone tapped but i i i do a little trick you know during my conversations with my friends i'll be talking because you know sometimes i might say something that might i might not want you know around or something so i'll throw this in during a conversation i'll say to my friend i'll say hey bill you know who's one hot piece of ass dick cheney but anyways i went to my trainer i don't work out i'm a weak man you know that dennis well listen you and i were on the mount olympus of weakness and not just physically i don't know in every way in every single way so um i told the guy that he said he couldn't do anything except for the physical part but i don't know if he was the best trainer anyway he was smoking a butt the whole time that's not good that's just a joke he was a big guy and uh but i told him i said look i don't want uh be big like you you know i don't want veins i have no use for that in my arms you know or abs i don't want abs i don't know quite what they are all i know is they were invented around the 80s and i don't even know what you do when you when you get them you know what i mean because you got to wear a shirt you know you go to work go hey you want to see these things on my belly everybody's like no but so i told the guy i said that all i'm here i'm here for one reason one reason only i want to have one hot ass but this guy explained to me it was one of it was horrible he first he puts me on a a treadmill and uh they really should give that a better name to a treadmill you know it's so and it's exactly what it is you're just well you know you just yeah you're like a beast of burden at that yeah just trudging you get real tired and you go nowhere you know i get enough of that in my real life me too sure anybody i was those weight machines you know yeah which weight machine exactly free weights there's some sort of now it's uh it's the uh this is a real modern gym with the machines i can't explain all of this because it's just your first time right but uh it was a thing where i had to push up you know real hard with my arms you know these weights plates you know and so uh i hit the wall after about one right and the guy wanted me to do 20. you know so he's like you can do it you can do it you know i proved him wrong so my arm hurts that's not short of it then it is that my arm hurts why only one why only one arm i don't know that's an interesting question but uh the uh it's the back it's not the it's not the bicep you know no it's the opposite one and uh it as uh they said in the friends of the eddie coyle it hurts like a bastard [Laughter] now are do you feel comfortable jumping into the common shower after a workout of the health club norman are you is that something you'd be comfortable with or no if i go to a gym i go to a gym to work out you know what i mean right and then i don't like that thing where you go into the thing and everybody's naked you know because i go there i just want to get in towel off and and go out you know the last thing i want to do is stare at some guy's beautiful ass for 20 minutes you know we've got a theme here [Music] leaning heavily on that word there's a narrative there's a there's a through line hey the oj thing's on track going on trial what do you make oj's about i don't know i think it's going to be i think it's going to be disappointing you know i think it's it's like uh like the last one was so great you know that this one i mean tv people do that all the time you know they take a guy like remember they gave maritime more another show yeah it didn't work and it sucked you know and uh i know that mary tyler moore is not the perfect like example i i thought maybe you had one um let me see uh they they did rhoda with valerie harper she asked for too much money they whacked her and all of a sudden roto was sandy duncan i remember there remember when they uh watched this e true hollywood story on the uh on three's company and uh uh they decided to make a sequel the ropers right right so then norman fell and he this guy's savvy he says no he doesn't want it you know because he could see that it wouldn't be a good idea you know that he was a secondary character right so he says them he says i'll do it but only if i can return if if it bombs and i go yeah yeah sure then they put don knotts in and you can't budge fife out with a crowbar i mean once fife establishes turf underneath the basket he's like shaq in the low post you can't budge him no yeah you got that right you know what i got my uh do you have uh you have a computer right here i've heard of these machines from the future yes so i have uh all i do is play poker on my computer but i have my emails and i have every day it's like 200 or something and i'd say fully about a fourth of every one is some doctor trying to get me to lengthen my penis now i don't know how i got on this mailing list but they're i'm at the point where doctors are actually fighting for you know to get me as a client the ability to lengthen your genitalia is in play as they say i don't know how i guess my gp might be a bit of a blabbermouth besides i consider that part of my anatomy to be filthy and shameful so you know last thing i want more more stuff to hide from everything the bad bad bad penis i'm sorry i snorted there what are you doing today norm what are you gonna do after this i'm going well i i'm going to uh uh see my son tonight which is always my favorite thing oh beautiful everybody do you guys like it my son goes to school with your nephew it was sammy yeah over yeah beautiful oh you told him he told everyone where my son goes to school oh that's okay norman god they've seen him yeah yeah so that's cool uh big game this week my friend big game are you going up to it what game big football game between oh i thought you meant real football uh sammy will be playing that no no i mean it's real football with uh it's fun with children uh fun watching children play [Laughter] when i was a kid you know i had my kid in soccer yeah and he was like four you know four or five years older no i think he's older than anybody but uh might rather have matters right so that's the original no the story's built on the eighth so dial it incorrectly or i can't listen so here in l.a uh the uh in hollywood you know holly weird as you call it oh yeah we have uh we play uh we so we play soccer you know we have all right all the parents go to the soccer games you know and uh nobody cares about soccer at all right except the foreigners yeah they're two foreigners they know everything about soccer they're like corner can't corner kick they're yelling and like you can see how riots start you know soccer is so important to them and there's one that was kind of the funniest thing this guy on my team you know the father he's pacing all the time yelling at the rest you know and these two kids just collide head-on and one kid falls it looks like he's dead or something everyone rushes on the field and they pick up this child from the other team you know and they take him off and then the guy decided he goes i know that kid he's a faker [Laughter] oh foreigners are funny speaking of my uh my boy yeah you know uh yeah people you know are always debating whether movies cause you know kids to act out what they see on the screen right you know and i never i never really knew if that was true or not but i never prescribed it actually happened in my case i showed my uh my youngest boy dagwood who i showed him the film uh i don't know he's ever seen a cool hand luke then he tried to eat 50 eggs bagwood did yeah they would try to eat pissed the eggs like an idiot i'm there like helping them out i'm like get mad at them dammit come on now this boy you were playing the george kennedy all right a regular class world beater luke hey walking boss i got a roll i got a commercial thanks for checking in normie beautiful as always this is dennis welcome back folks we've got norm norm next time you call in from another island maybe you can use a cheerleader megaphone so i can get a worse connection yeah i can hear you now what do you think excellent beautiful what's happening listen listen to that last lady yeah and i only got one thing to say about that there's indians and then there's engines and we're underway no no india never scalped me you know but you know you can't trust them engines all right and we're up and running i got a list of things that i'm thankful for every year i make them on the day before thanksgiving right so i can make a little speech you know right and uh i like i like it if uh if you'll have me to read my list yeah i'm gonna not even interrupt you you take your time well firstly i'm thankful for the fine ladies who live across this country and leave pies on their windowsills so an old chunk of coal like me might have a meal from time [Laughter] i'm thankful for for all of my five children especially the one that i like [Laughter] i'm thankful for the simple things in life and it's like like bread although i've never tried it myself i i hear it's quite good i'm very thankful for the for the brave man who pulled me from a burning building last april and unfortunately perished in the process i'll never forget him you know i don't remember his name but i think he had a mustache [Laughter] of course i'm thankful for being able to do stand-up comedy for a living you know there's nothing more gratifying than to step on a stage before a quiet crowd and with my comedy slowly turn them into an unruly mob [Laughter] i'm thankful for women the greatest creatures on earth because without women dennis there would be no cookies i'm glad that this year the police finally solved the baffling murder of margo hemingway [Music] and finally what i'm most thankful for of course is uh sirius you know as friends yes friends especially that one where joey buys chandler a duck that's the one i like the best norm i i i don't even think we punctuate that i think it is such a beautiful list that we we appreciate you calling and we are thankful for your continued patronage here and you have a good time in hawaii happy thanksgiving my friend all right yeah give your love give my love to your family buddy all right we'll talk at you down the road the lovely norm mcdonald this is the dentist you know is norm ready how is norm this morning good he he sounded a little groggy i asked him if i had woken him up and he said no no no i had to wake up to answer the phone and he also mentioned that he wrote a poem last night he had to find it but i'm informed that he has found it so norm has a poem for us is lauren ready to go hey dennis how you doing what's up e cummings how are you today hey i want to say i sal too i forgot i never say hi to him hey norm how you doing good man ah that didn't go so well no we're ripping off your cha-cha mel down this is your this is your bit man i'm not gonna step on it you just jump the tree go ahead what do you got today normie ah i'd like to give you free reign what do you want to talk about well did you see that packers game last night oh great game great game who's the second string quarterback i'm blanking on his name huh aaron rodgers he looked great didn't he yeah i don't know if there'll ever be a quarterback controversy there or not but yeah he was amazing yeah the kid looked pretty uh prepped i think it augers well for the pack if barb moves on because i don't know if farv will ever move on i mean it's like being conan o'brien waiting for leno that guy ain't going nowhere no jay they're gonna have to go in there with a beaufort pusser stick and knock him out and drag him out but yeah that was a great game man i was going for i was going for green bay but did you bet the game no i i no longer bet oh you're off the stuff yeah although uh i was so tempted this week was to bet against uh the pats with the largest spread in nfl history right and you can't cover that kind of line the way the clock moves so fast 25 points right well i'm glad you stayed off the stuff there norma yeah i didn't know i had opened a pandora's box there but yeah but yeah i started doing that before you know man i'll be i'll be betting my fingers against [ __ ] [Laughter] no but i i will tell you one thing as ethnic slurs go yes china man has to be one of the least it literally says a man from china yeah i mean because kung fu that's the you shine them and they'd go and he was only half a champion that's right he was it's like the difference between the cleveland indians and the washington redskins i can see where red skin might upset somebody just a little i don't think you're ever going to get a change but at least it it is a bit denigrating but uh indians isn't that yeah i never understand that you don't understand that no what well here's the thing man or brave i have no like formal education and uh as a matter of fact i don't have any informal education it's not like i'm hanging out with professors on the weekend right yeah but this is the way i understand it chris old chris columbus he sailed over here and then he got here and he got india jesus what adult and that's that that's the source of us all yeah so he goes hey man look at all those indians all right oh that's it and then one of his buddies goes hey man we took a wrong turn at the middle of the pacific ocean this is america and then he goes hey you indians better get the hell out of here you're not even in the right country well once you're about to take a country from somebody you cannot refer to them as native americans and only makes your task harder they will fight harder because you've already told them you assume that it is their property but my feeling is at some point there were an ice people or a horde of uh you know almost pilk down men like creatures who the indians or whatever the native americans came in and took this from isn't that the way of the world nor that eventually everybody takes something what's a pill down man you're talking about the old days i'm sorry to throw you off the scent of the conversation i'm talking about in in paleolithic times i assume that the the native americans were not native here either but came down and took this from somebody else that's just the way of the world yeah everybody takes everything listen mother nature is a is a is a brutal [ __ ] a red clawed you know painted picture yeah what's your poem about buddy hey man you know here's a little joke i thought of all right set up the poem with a joke get our palette yeah just coming across the customs you know yeah and they asked to see my id and it occurred to me that that id is a very odd short form for that word because i stands for i and then d stands for identification so they've asked the d to carry the the main crux of the word exactly it seems like an inequities split of the uh the the foot pounds needed to convey that work i always thought that i am pay the architect had the easiest autograph because literally it was simultaneously his name and a proclamation i am pay i am pay do you know i am pay yeah but i i don't get the k part i think his last name is pay no i know so when people would say can i have your autograph he would write i am pay which was his name and also his uh proclamation of the world who he was i am pay oh cool you think that up yeah i probably wish i hadn't but i did oh man that's cool you know he did the caa building imp did caa this is like johnny carson jack webb did jack webb but i used to love jack that because he would he would he he gave no allowance to the audience for them putting anything together he would always break the show down in two minute increments on dragnet 8 48 my partner bill gannon and i entered the coffee lounge 8 49 we had a cup of coffee he kept everybody on the same page because he knew the crowd would get unruly and day of the locust like if left of their own devices yeah we laughed yeah it's not easy being a cop though you walk into a room and everybody looks at you're the fuzz john law that's what he told uh that's he talked kent mccord yeah young kent mccord on adam 12. yeah now as the poem goes it's not a happy poem dennis i didn't ask for a happy poem i asked for your your feelings conveyed through rhyming couplets hey listen man i hear you're having more trouble with your cans than uh maybe vandoorne cans being inside radio business for my headphones i love it when you talk hip norm and you're like wolfman jack get in here my cans aren't working this is starship hey you're here [Music] you heard that story about uh about blake uh you know you know blake clark the comedian great comedian yeah he's a great comedian but he's he does a perfect wolf man jack so uh he's telling me like one time you're in this movie theater and he was sitting there and he's you know right before the movie starts wolf man jack walks in with his wife right he's got a big fur coat on and everything so everyone in the theater is like oh my god it's wolf man jack you know they're all like impressed and everything so then when the movie starts blake clark starts going oh that life is moving [Laughter] everybody thought it was wolf yeah everyone thought of the wolf man was just gonna yell at the whole movie do you know the science fiction writer harlan ellison have you ever heard of him oh yeah boy and his dog yes well he was sitting in a movie theater once when he had no money he used to go to manhattan matinees and sit there and watch eight hours worth of movies just to stay warm said he was sitting in the second row of the balcony and the first row was this shrieking idiot who would scream at the screen was a bit nuts and behind him around four rows back halfway through the second movie like three hours in he heard the guy say shut the f up and the guy in front just kept yapping and yapping and he hurt he said one more time i'm telling you shut up and the guy keeps you happening up and all of a sudden ellison said i'm sitting on the owl and i feel this whoosh go by my right shoulder pick the man up in the front row and throw him over his head over the side of the railing i hear a savage crunch downstairs there's nobody else down there and the seat goes back he said for the next four hours i'm just frozen looking at the screen because i finally have some of the courage to turn around and the guy is gone now that'll make you a science fiction writer right there yeah man i love that harlan is i'll tell you though something about that harlan ellison tell me about him i mean he's one more hugos than anybody but uh i hear he's fruitier than carmen miranda's hat did not know does that color his uh his art for you no not at all yeah it makes it better it makes it uh makes a lot better it's a lot better actually what uh what what about the poem i mean i'm not out of him or anything no of course not no he's uh no nobody would misinterpret you saying he's fruitier than carmen miranda's had in some effort to out him no no he said it himself oh he did yeah yeah so everything's cool all right now he's that guy's a great writer man norm are you gay hi gay yeah well listen let me pray to you this way no i'm not kidding sometimes i make a joke but but in a perfect world norm would you be getting all things confused give me the damn poem norm your man could be taken out of your mouth like uh olivier and marathon give me the damn poem now the problem here's here's a the thing is my dog died last thursday no are you serious yeah man and uh so i've spent many a sleepless night and then last night i decided to put my put pen to paper right as a catharsis and uh and get my thoughts out about my dog my old dog beau so uh you want to hear a poem yes okay here it is he never came to me when i would call unless i had a tennis ball or he felt like it but mostly he didn't come at all i i mean there were problems when he was young he never learned to heal or sit or stay he did things his way the young folks say dennis i guess discipline was not his bag but when you were with him things sure didn't drag he'd dig up a rose bush just despite me and then when i grab him he'd turn and bite me i mean i was scared ah man he'd been a lot of folks from day to day the delivery boy was his favorite pay prey man he tore the hell out of that kid the gas man wouldn't even read our meter he said i owned a real man-eater god how i wish i'd listened to that gas man you're not gonna believe this but he set the house on fire look the story's too long to tell it's nice to say that he survived but the house was a smoldering howl on the evening walks and gloria took him that's my wife that's my wife dennis gloria he was always in the first out the door the old one and i brought up the rear that's why i called my wife the old one why i married an old woman i have no idea but anyways the old one and i brought up the rear because our bones were sore probably because that dog would chew on the bones of our legs every curse a day he would charge up the street with mom hanging on boy what a beautiful pair they made and if it was still light and the tourists were out they created a bit of a stir and by stir i mean countless lawsuits but every once in a while he'd stop in his tracks and with a frown on his face look around it was just to make sure that the old one that's my wife was there and would follow where he was bound and we knew damn well enough to follow i'll tell you that we're early to betters at our house dennis i guess i'm the first to retire i like to get to sleep before the old one clambers into bed [Music] and as i'd leave the room he'd look at me and get up from his place by the fire god he loved that fire he'd stare at it for hours it was like he was getting messages from him he knew where the tennis balls were upstairs and i'd give him one for a while and he'd push it under the bed and i with his nose and i'd i'd fish it out with a smile a nervous smile and before very long he'd tire of the ball and be asleep in his corner in no time at all by the fire and there were nights when i'd feel them climb on our bed and lie between us and i don't know what to do all right i wanted to come back with norm but i guess we didn't i'm here man oh i thought you were going to come back and wrap the palm up i'm wrapping it up right now christian ready go ahead and now god forgive me for saying this he's finally dead but there are nights when i swear i feel him climb on our bed and lie between us and there are nights when i think i feel that god-awful stare and i reach out my hand to stroke his hair but he's not there the old one thinks he lives in the fire and comes out of dark oh wow i wish that wasn't so i'll always fear a dog named bo norm that was beautiful now let me ask you this was there ever really a dog named bo ah no i i stole it a jimmy stewart this is the dentist all right christian do we have uh norm is with us yes norm and what would any any thing you want to tell me about norm's segment this week is there anything he wants to talk about what he said to me is what we're not going to do is uh i'm not going to read a poem i love that poem by the way me too uh norman hey dennis how you doing how you doing i'm all right i have to apologize for that fiasco last week i liked the poem why why would you apologize i liked you more existential oh man i guess it was just too long and it's like turned out to be uh no no just forget the fact that alfred lord tennyson called halfway through and said is this ever gonna end forget that exactly i'm gonna leave the rhyming uh to the legally sobieski from now on it's fun and we're off i don't even know what that means what's up normie but i i remember you know i realized something my problem with the segment is i've been waking up about five seconds before i go on the air so today i got up a couple hours ago made myself a big healthy breakfast what'd you have what i what i have yeah i had six farm fresh eggs half a rash of bacon and a pot of piping hot coffee so you're kind of drowsy hey sal how are you doing i'm doing what i'm doing well a half a rasher can't you make me laugh norm and then and what has the uh what is the healthy breakfast yielded you in the way of insights into the world well i just listened at you're talking about mitt romney and that speech you gave yeah and uh i don't know if you noticed like he got a really good response from the crowd but apparently 10 000 of them were his wives [Laughter] all right just flicking the jab here we're getting out of the blocks yeah that's all it is no i've been i've i've been scouring the newspaper trying to trying to be more of a uh you know more topical sure sure up to the moment and uh says i've come up with i've come up with a couple of things why i can't wait uh well they mentioned that oprah winfrey you know is crisscrossing a country with uh yeah she's making personal appearances to raise money for barack and uh she says if that doesn't work out she'll just give him a billion dollars [Laughter] and still have a little left over for a nice healthy breakfast to six farm fresh eggs and a hopper rasher oh osama bin laden what's up with him how's he doing in the polls the guy released another tape to recruit young muslims to fight and die for islam and uh i don't know i think he's serious this time because apparently he's tossing in a pair of tickets to hannah montana which is a big enticement to the kids today yeah for the young uh the young the young crazy islamic sister who has access to the disney channel [Laughter] um i don't know what else yeah you don't have oh ted kennedy is getting eight million dollars uh for writing his life story i saw that i hope this doesn't give him a big head you know he has that giant big red hat i know his head is second only to will dursts in total cubic space you've been great i've been durst [Laughter] we're talking about a comedian in the bay area quite quite a actually perceptive political observer but he did have a big macy's balloon type dome and that was how he ended his act you've been great i've been seacrest yeah i haven't seen a melon that big since uh i can't think of anything i haven't seen a melon that big since the 4-h fair at chernobyl yeah how's that man i'm just knocking it off i don't know how you do that easy when it's not funny oh they did ask kennedy that they did ask kennedy in that book you know they said if if he's going to address the subject of chappaquiddick right you know because that's obviously a big part of his life and uh and he said uh he said we'll crash off that bridge when we come oh i love choppa quitting hey you know uh norm um yeah i i saw i was watching a commercial over the weekend for a phone company and there's these little creatures and is it you and steve buscemi voicing the creatures yes i always wanted to work with a serious actor what do you play in that commercial it's a little i play i don't know why they they got it but i play like a child gingerbread man and uh steve buscemi plays my father it's sort of like a confectionary uh at close range the coolest commercials that one you did where it was for miller beer and all you had to do was go like uh just a matter of time right yeah they had this uh it was a it was a very glassy floor and there was something in the background that was blacked out i walk out very slowly it was a 30 second commercial i saunter across the stage i've got a nice suit on you here clip clop clip clop clip clop i stand there in the middle i hit a button in my hand and this huge marquee like lighting lights up behind me that says miller genuine draft and then i look at the care go oh i knew they'd call that was an easy one that's an easy one i had one funny commercial that i did for beer and uh it was really funny it was for uh miller miller i don't know what it was for let's suppose it was for miller light yeah and then uh so i'm at a party and a guy comes his door and i go hey man did you get the beer and he goes yeah i got budweiser and then i go budweiser sucks that was really funny so then then we go to shoot it and there's all these executives around that like the guys that uh own the beer company and then they freak out the last second they're like we can't say that about budweiser you know you're gonna have to change the copy so they say to this kid that so he has to change it like immediately you know so anyways it turned out to be the guy comes he goes i got some budweiser and i go but because i got some i got some miller light and i go great come on in you know like that's the that was the option that's the option and then so they never aired it but they cut me a giant check yeah well you know what norm that's the whole thing about ads that i've noticed that you have a lot of creative people who want to run right up to the shoreline of naughtiness and put their toe in but then at the end of the day they're uh being paid by some town elder somewhere out in the midwest who owns the company so they do one for themselves then they do the actual one and the funny cranky one never makes the air never ever makes the air but you're right at the end of the day uh more zeros than the japanese air force on the end of that check my friend and i bring that up only because it's pearl harbor day you were just in hawaii have any particular reflections on pearl or hawaii or anything other than that well why uh i don't know i've noticed one thing because i was there with a large group of people and boys wait a second what's that about mary kay reps what what were you doing there with a large group of people well i i brought my uh i brought my son simon who was known as peter i brought the wife gertrude and then a whole the old one as you say in the poem you referred to your wife as the old one have you forgotten that yeah well she is a little long in the tooth i mean i mean a good lord the problem is when i was a young man i i had a thing for older women right i happen to marry gertrude and uh you know now as i reach my mid 40s good lord i'm not one to break vows but i'm waiting for that till death do us party so you go over with a group of people to why what did you what did you notice in hawaii what was your perception well i noticed first of all i noticed that uh gertrude loves uh sunset and all the group of us would go and watch a sunset every every evening and i i i just don't like them no like to me a beauty is like the nape of a young girl's neck right but uh you know you know i bring that up to gertrude no you don't want to ask your wife and the group to go out at 6 30 at night and look at the neighborhood one time i woke up in the middle of the night in hawaii beside this ghastly woman you know and i swear to god it looked like uh in the in the light it looked like i was sleeping with bert mustin i mean bert mustin by the way made hume cronin look like somebody cher was dating he was the oldest man on the planet on earth one of johnny carson's favorite guest norm i'm up against the commercial break i could listen to your recont all day but i've got to pay some bills thank you my friend this is the dennis miller hey dad i really want to go phone this year well i want people to stop eating my house but that ain't gonna happen besides you'll run up a huge bill no i won't it has unlimited talk and unlimited text i'm just yanking your chain son oh ho ho [Music] um oh come on man it's the holidays norman vashemi as gingerbread men in the commercial cool dear norm's voice they sound like uh it's like one of those pows where they have a gun to your head and they say read this i don't want to read this no i'm not going to get norm in that trouble i think spade went on the tonight show one night and deliberately as part of a joke was vague about which phone company he worked for right i think it cost him some large coins so i want to put the norm in that same corner lauren loved doing the commercial what was the commercial for as a matter of fact for gofundme i'm on one right now how do i sound oh this sounds unbelievable this is the go phone yeah it's crystal clear do i do a phone commercial christian in any way not yet but hopefully starting now clear as a lake tahoe storm of norman good to hear from you all pumped up for the holidays friend oh yeah man i got my tree up you like you like christmas uh christmas yeah well yeah it's the birthday of my lord and savior i guess i like it i didn't mean to pry it was just more of a conversation oh by the way mitt romney i mean not mitt romney but huckabee this week got the endorsement of our lord and savior jesus christ so that'll bump them up in the fall well that'll give him a few points sure who are you voting for normie who do you like i like giuliani because i always liked him when i was in new york yeah he ran a nice ship right yeah i liked i i mean uh a lot of people were like uh he uh he took the character out of times square but i remember that time square man the character was a much of a bunch of junkies and [ __ ] and then serial killers prowling around arcades i mean that ain't exactly hooterville [Laughter] but then he did those quality of life laws that reduced the crime like crazy look at you norm you know stuff you always play like you don't know but you're pretty i just remember giuliani came to host and uh and i was like i just want to thank you for uh what you did for the city and everyone else hated me there nah you were a popular cast hey by the way i was out on the road the other day and i mentioned that i somebody asked me from the crowd who my favorite uh who my favorite host was a weekend update and i brought you up and you got a nice you got a nice huzzah huzzah from the crowd well you know what was important up there norm i don't know if you thought this but i always thought some sort of uh some sort of vaguely inferred indifference to what you were doing mattered up there they didn't want you to be too eager a beaver they wanted you to sort of look like it was a throwaway and that's the vibe i always got from you you were great at it but he also wasn't the end of the world was it no i i kind of patterned myself after you it's beyond insouciant in the downright derelictive duty at some point now what do you got you got any joke you've been the writer strike's still on you've been going into the joke fault or what are you doing what do you want to talk about today i leave it up to you uh well a fellow broadcaster has come back uh mr don imus and uh saw a picture of his uh of his he's got a black female sidekick yes and i thought a picture of her he could be in a little trouble the iron man could be a little trouble why is that she has really odd looking hair and she's a prostitute there might be a built-in yeah built-in problem there and isaiah thomas got in trouble and he had to pay 11 million dollars to this lady who i also saw a picture of and uh she wasn't easy on the eyes let's put it that way but in layman's terms i mean all these things you know i was legal mumbo jumbo it comes down to he has to pay 11 million dollars for not having sex with an ugly bride yeah that is that is draconian isn't it the very definition of draconian i mean i think magic johnson could soon use a kiss on us get a little piece of that you're right i would get in there early what else you've been noticing well that just caught your attention what else is going on in the news i don't know they've had these debates what'd you make of that woman holding the debates the school worm chick did you see her at all what did she do yeah they had some woman who was moderating both debates the last couple of days little iowa woman little strident reminded me of edie mcclerg's character and many a flick i was wondering if you'd seen her did you watch any of the debates no i didn't watch and that's when rhoda's on what was rhoda's boyfriend's name joe something or other oh yeah yeah barry newman look alike i forget that guy was great you're talking about you're talking about old david growl david cross no dave grohl is the rocker we're talking about david grove yeah g-r-o-h yeah well all of a sudden sal's is you know boswell to his sam johnson if i'd asked you a few seconds ago he had no idea until norm built us out and put us on the trail all of a sudden you're his official biographer no that'd be a short biography oh what hey don't come down on norm's guy what did you like about david grove's arms all right guys that guy had bigger guns than jesse james i don't know if jesse james had big guns but yeah i know and i carried a couple of guns i just saw that movie the assassination of jesse james that was incredible by the coward something or other right howard robert ford and was that how was brad pitt was he good he was fantastic i mean i can't believe that movie's not going to win an oscar well the title's too long for them to put on the nomination form but listen i i got to tell you this real quickly you know how they send dvds out if you're in one of the guilds to vote on yeah very clever thing that uh i think i'm paramount or i'm trying to remember who made that film they sent me out one of those little pickles that you stick in the side of your computer you know whatever they're called information things and uh it had four films on it so i've got this little thing i'm carrying around in my pocket one of them is that the the assassination of jesse james one's called the bucket club one's michael clayton and there's a fourth film on and they send you four films on this little key chain isn't that a cool idea oh that's really cool yeah it's all on a pickle well i i don't know what to call it when i bought one what are they called flash drive flash drive you know a little flash drive oh you're talking about a pickle i i didn't mean to say the actual format was the gurkhanesque i was saying that i it was uh you forget what i was saying i know i forgot you either do the ethereal or the literal there's no mid-ground with you no i'm not a flashbang you put in your computer right and uh you can see four motion pictures so what so but that's not nominated is it or they haven't answered them yet or they can announce them because they have a writer's strike why don't we just concede we've reached an impasse is there anything to be wretched out of this chamois at this point what are you doing today now what do you got planned today i always like to hear about you today because it's sort of you're like dr strange the old marvel comic or character you just levitate through your day and see all well i'm on a i'm on a fitness kick i was in santa barbara uh actually i wasn't saying yeah you were up here doing my sports show yeah that was really fun thank you norm that was nice to come up and the people loved you and i loved that place and uh the hotel that you kindly got me was right on the beach i was i was running on the beach in my bare feet and now i'm into a complete the running of my bare feet thing and only works at the beach though where else have you tried it uh i try on my track but uh i hurt my foot yeah well the track is rougher than the sand you understand yeah now if you if you live near a landfill also don't try it there because i know you like things in one medium you like the feel of the ped on the sand and you try to translate to other areas but say for instance you're going near hollyachala in the next few days also don't try it there it'll hurt your feet you're like my older son i i feel like i have to caution you uh yes i was talking to one of the writers yesterday on that stupid ticket line yeah by the way that thing's very close to uh never ending right on the right on the cusp of being eternal general electric uh ain't losing any sleep no and what this writer on the the lines talking to him he's a former comedian we're talking about uh gigs you know when we started out doing comedy and uh i'm sure we've all had them you know but i was remembering this one that maybe i i'd share with you tell me well there was this uh booker that uh remained nameless when i first got to l.a he'd sent me out on these gigs and he had one it was like paid like 50 bucks and uh it was a hospital you know so i'm like i don't really want to play a hospital but i guess it's a good thing to do in life you know right even something that my lord and savior might do you know if he was a stand-up sure i i always ask what would what would jesus christ do exactly in my situation and i try to do that well jesus would have done it and he would have stayed to his time [Laughter] so i go there and i get the directions everything and this guy drives me up there and when i get close to the hospital there's all this barbed wire and stuff and there's a car like security guards with guns and so anyways it turns out it's a hospital for the criminally insane your core demo so i was like oh god like i had to because i you know i was thinking about that my jokes were kind of geared towards uh towards the terminally ill you know you put together that chunk euthanasia chunk and here you were dealing with the actively psychotic exactly so the hospice that wasn't going to work so i get in and then also i'm going like i don't even know if these people deserve a show you know they're criminally insane and uh so i go well where where do i perform you know they have a theater every single seat looks like the booth where lincoln was shot [Laughter] so anyway you commenced this guy says to me backstage last week we had the gatling brother all the locals thought they invented the gun so i get out there and uh it's about it's only about 80 people you know right and it's not like i don't know i don't even draw the whole joint you know and uh so i get out there and they're muttering to each other and a couple of them are shambling down the aisles from time to time you know and uh so i'm walking towards the mic and uh as i'm walking towards the mic before i even say a word i just hear nice shoes [ __ ] [Laughter] how much more is the story i'm up against to break here what do you got it's over i just went on stage i said like two words and another guy said leon's right that's a [ __ ] and then i left because i was the only guy that could leave oh norm you are a beautiful piece of work my friend you you you blow out my complete psyche every week i feel like i've taken a good uh nose blow or something because you shake my frontal lobes up we appreciate it brother have america i'll talk to you before christmas but god you're a funny man dennis and i am lucky to have uh a gift under my audio tree right now my soul mate storming norman macdonald welcome back to the show oh hey dennis i like that book uh that you were talking about which what's that the tasha's book you know yeah it's a great book great book what uh what do you what are your christmas plans my friend you want to talk holidays christmas plans yeah well i'm scrambling to get a presents for everybody i got a i got nothing no i gotta let me think for a second oh i got my i got my mexican gardener i don't know what to get him so uh i think i'm gonna let him steal my identity [Laughter] norm that's the single funniest thing you've ever said on the show well that's nice that's right i try to get uh i try to get like cooler kind of presents you know like uh i got my uh yeah i mean my youngest son dart tanyan i've been looking for a present for him and uh everybody's getting there everybody's trying to get the mad no wait you know i don't want to be like everybody else i went to my favorite place ebay and i got a nice little collectible very valuable uh it's a miller 0-1 my first year monday night yeah man you're great but but they're hard to find now yeah they're all right it says that uh test a verdi game why i had a i had a smaller arc than john did but i i was in there plugging hey it was one of the greatest games ever um i don't have any christmas plans right all right baby get off that what do you want to talk about something what they don't have to talk christmas what's on your mind today it's yours but i got nothing i was uh i actually forgot that we were on today i forgot it was friday well would you like we don't have to do it i mean i don't know i can query about specific topics or yeah man hit me um all right who are you voting for for the presidency at this point seriously just nor you know those paddles they use on my in er where they try to get the patient revived think of me as using them on the interview right now no i didn't know if you wanted me to do a joke or not i'm just trying to get some flow going i'm gonna vote for rudy giuliani yeah even though i'm uh i'm kind of the only real issue i i used to care about was uh abortion right now i i really uh you know i i i want the toughest guy and he seems like he seems like a tough rough and tumble character all right well i like him what side of the what side of the abortion thing did you come down on are you pro-choice or pro-life me i don't mm-hmm it's it's uh kind of unpopular i don't like saying it because it's unpopular all right i'll keep you off them no i i'm pro i'm very pro-life but uh i just don't think a woman should have the right to choose to uh murder a baby well you know i think some of our listeners would be uh you know because of the rambunctious nature of your performances and the fact that you seem is it nihilistic or nihilistic i don't quite know what that word is uh they would be surprised to hear that you're so you're so pro-life it's quite endearing to see that facet of you so well i love children so much and i certainly wouldn't want to have it done to me well this interview doesn't pick up soon well you got me talking about you abortion in i'm trying to give you free reign you say i got nothing so i throw the presidency on the table and that begat abortion i don't know what to say norm what do i know now let's get back let's get back to lighter fare [Laughter] take take me to any fair for god's sakes i don't care if i'm at the soup station the salad station or the dessert station just put something on the tray here oh hey uh here we go uh you know i i have a kind of a thing for homeless guys oh i know you do i i like to give them money but i i was put in mind like uh one time when i was in new york i lived in a walk-up and there was no doorman so you had to it was a good fear you had to walk up this thing where guys could beat you up and rape you so once there was always a homeless guy that was standing outside so i'd always give whatever money i had and then feel a little better about myself right and one time i was coming home and i got some kentucky fried chicken you know yes that i love and i was coming home and the homeless guy's there so uh i go out i give him some money i go up to my apartment and i'm having some some kentucky fried chicken and coca-cola right so i go hey i bet that homeless guy would like something so i bring him down like three pieces i had seven pieces so i brought him now three so i got four because i'm not a homeless guy i got the most so i bring him down his three pieces and his coke right and then i lock myself out of my apartment i can't get my apartment like an idiot so i have a phone a locksmith and it's i'm freezing it was in the middle of winter in new york and i'm thinking about my delicious chicken up in the apartment you know so i say to the homeless guy go hey man give me a piece of chicken and the guy goes that's my chicken you get your own chicken you know it's all mad all of a sudden no good deed goes up norm you always had the best homeless guy story you i remember you told me once that uh you said i feel sorry for homeless guys but i really feel sorry for the homeless guy's dog because you know the dog's thinking wow this is the longest walk i've ever heard you remember that one yeah and then you used to say hey pal i can do this on my own oh my god that was one of my favorite shows for my nightclub act yeah well listen i used to follow you around on the road i was a bit of a normal groupie what are you eating now i hear do i hear you taking something i'm sorry that's not professional no but what i'm just intrigued what are you having no it's not right man no but it's 8 43 what do you like to put in your pie house i know but you don't see that on uh this week with george will now what's it called this week with georgetown i'm eating a tangelo it's some sort of a damn hybrid of a of a fruit and i remember it used to always be the mixed nuts improv troupe would stand up there and set up the proposition that they were at tangelo and request a film genre somebody would say peck and paw and they would all go into slow motion if i'm not mistaken that's called a tangelo yeah so that was the fruit they would always they'd say give me a fruit and people would say tangelo to throw them off and then they say what's the tangelo participating in they'd say bowling and then they'd pretend they were a tangelo holding a bowling ball out in front of them and then they would say alas poor uric and they'd have a genre change you remember that i i i know but i i did do improv once i took an acting class oh my god man that didn't go well what was that it was a horrible there was this one part was improv they said like just pick up like a pick a um something to do you know and i couldn't think of anything i later realized that i would sweep up like every week i figured there's always a guy that sweeps up you know anyway in any situation right but i couldn't i couldn't think of anything for the life i mean that's my big problem with that improv and a guy handed me something invisible obviously right the other actor and uh i thought i was like i thought i just thought it was a grapefruit i don't know why turned out to be a live child i was like cutting it in half and pretending to put a cherry in the middle it turned out to be an indian then he's like what are you doing my baby you know i'm like oh come on can it be a grapefruit what's the difference really well yeah just as long as you affirmed you know that's the main role at improv you always have to affirm you never deny oh yeah no no that's the key to it because it stops down the improv at that point i improv once i think with lauren michaels and uh john lovitz denitro vance and terry sweeney and to this day if i think about it i can break out in a cold sweat what live on tv no no please come on let's not get crazy just in a lauren was trying to get me into the cast when i was on saturday night live so he used to take this studio space in times square near the brill building and ask us the improv together and i was like i was like a firewall the improv would fly around the room at a high rate of speed it would hit me and i was uh the death of improv just completely like anton levay standing there a dark prince an inability to move it forward so it would bounce back off me and go around the other way and then lovitz would always go and say hey hey you're the worst improv i've ever seen so that was my uh that's my legacy at snl yeah it does it does stiffen you up oh it's too i can't do it norm i have to be in control you know that and i've lost control of this interview so i'm in a cold sweat right now now what are you doing today what do you got up we've got a rent a minute left you got anything planned today what are you getting me for christmas oh no really something something i'll get you something man you like hats yeah ah cool yeah well i kind of ruined the surprise no no no no no just by telling me what it was that why would i i wouldn't interpret anything now listen i understand you're coming on in the first part of the year while i continue i'm going to pass a knotted cloth through my colon in the andes somewhere at a health clinic and uh are you getting a colonoscopy yeah all right cool man i've had those yeah but i'm having mine done in the imax format by david brashears so it involves a little more brusset in the arm but i understand you're going to host for a day is that correct oh yeah i'm going to be better than this though no please let's hope not this has been algonquinian i love you norm merry christmas bye-bye welcome back folks boy that was tough work with norm today huh yeah it was worth it yeah i was like pulling teeth though you know what completely impacted i equated it to you know somehow uh sometimes horse race norm came out of the box super strong with the uh identity theft joke and then like three gallops in he just breaks down right and they had to bring in that shield and put it around them and just put them down i'm the one who has to put them down and i love norma you know i don't need much prep work but is christian available now is he still on with norm now now he's doing the good stuff yeah off the air with chris church and putting arm back on he's still on you have anything to add so he's off now okay all right well folks we were supposed to be joined this segment by the great nora mcdo what's that what's that christian he's with us norm yeah that's why are you why are you making a joke sometimes no no god forbid i do that let me read some of these tour dates off for norm by the way and uh can i tell you i've often said there's five guys on the planet i i get up out of my chair and go pay my money to see nobody funnier than norm mcdonald he will be at cobbs in san francisco that's a great venue up there jan 9 through 11. this is next year jan 9 through 11 jan 17 richmond bc i've done that gig that's a great one january 22nd in medicine hat alberta have not been there i think i toured once and uh that was uh in between brigadoon and shangri-la but i didn't make it over there january 23rd regina saskatchewan january 24th edmonton alberta 25th grand prairie alberta and january 30 and 31 raleigh north carolina do yourself a favorite uh paper this is a comic genius norm the last time i talked to you you were working with a puppet does that still hold true why they're not called puppets man no i'm sorry what are they ventriloquist dummies and even that is a little uh apathetic but uh what what would you what would you imagine they'd like to be called in a perfect well i call them my friends of course my friends in the bag christian wanted me to do this but i don't i don't know where that bag is what where were some of the puppets who was your rat pack in there i had well i have my my regular guy brad he's my he's just my buddy you know and then i got this old man and i had trouble with him he's he's too cranky right right it turned out i i don't even want i don't even want to mention what he believed and weren't you weren't you also beginning to work with a young chippewa girl that one was too expensive i wish i could find my richard nixon doll because now they have that frost nixon debate yes and i i do have a richard nixon doll i don't i know i'm calling him a doll but he's somewhere but i haven't even started working with him on the road because uh i'm not very good at it yet no no if you use the nixon doll you have to hold him hold his arms up and have him say i am not a doll and then you'll you know what will happen then oddly enough as in rosemary woods land you'll be greeted by 17 and a half minutes of silence man that impression was i would say that's about equal to frank langella's something i thought it was pretty good i'm no i'm serious thank you frank langella sucks that's dracula no doubt now listen where you been you've been on the road you got any road antics for me what's happening out there well in the heartland yeah where you been some of these dates you're getting out there into the tertiary markets my friend oh yeah man i play i play small nightclubs in the heartland you take them they're wondering they love you me yeah they're always like when are you gonna be a dentist next wow that's cool man i didn't know we were out there i didn't even know i had an affiliate and medicine hat now what do you do when you're up in medicine hat you get off the stage at what 9 30 you're looking to cruise where do you go to some well i don't bar where you buy drinks with pelts or what's happening up there unfortunately i don't drink and i don't do any drugs and i'm not promiscuous so uh i just i i don't know i don't do anything i just go back though now i just basically like when you're on the road um other than the hour that you do stand up you know yes you lay dormant you have the life of a drifter so a lot of us try to find food but you know what i've found is that as i travel through the country tell me mr sullivan uh and this might be uh who knows this might be profound well we'll we'll write it down and analyze it but i was in this a place called i think it was called malleyville iowa you know but i noticed like the local comics like they get up and they go up hey man i just didn't want i just came i'm happy to be here i just came from wadsworth and everyone would like ah they'd laugh you know so i talked to the guy the owner and he's like oh those guys from wadsworth they're idiots you know it turned out wadsworth was just about 18 miles uh down the road from uh from malleyville iowa right who's booking you harriet tubman [Laughter] you're not letting me get to my profound i'm just freaking out sex these places don't even exist well no i'm just i'm actually making up these were you with the shady rest this week now i'm making up the names to protect the innocent and the guilty so get profound get performed yeah i only have one profound thought every few years all right the last thing i need is somebody you know interjecting yeah no no no i love interjecting but listen so i i would i went on stage and i said listen folks you know you keep making fun of these fellas from wadsworth down 18 miles down the road from you pretending they're all stupid and i'm sure they do the same for you but you know no one could be more alike than you guys you know and uh and if there's any hope for the world anyway you've got no laugh pretty well destroyed my set you know because they're yelling wow it's worth what do you go for wadsworth you know and uh but doesn't it show you something yeah sure how's the world going to get together if uh malleyville and wadsworth can't even pull it together yeah it's not that profound that was that was the whole thing hey i met i saw a matlock only you would refer to andy griffith as matlock well i you know i don't want to get to a arcane yeah his real name's andy griffith but now he calls himself ben matlock where'd you bump into him at he was at the airport at the lax you're kidding me now that would be a thrill for me oh man it was incredible because like i grew up watching the andy griffith show and then later when he changed his name to ben matlock yeah so uh i'm standing there so i see they have an archie comic i haven't seen archie comics for years and so i'm reading the archie com he's reading a really big book you know like he's like you you know he likes real smart you know i guess yeah he's music indian so i i'm looking through my archie book and my archie comics which i haven't seen in a long time and uh it was actually a good one like uh jughead he gets a job at pop's chocolate shop yeah and uh jughead is a you know he's kind of a never do well for those of you who don't know him and uh so it's kind of surprising to archie and reggie mantle like they're like what jughead got a job you know exactly it was weird he's like a short order cook at pop's chocolate shop yeah he's like screech with a squint exactly yeah crown so it turns out they're like at the end they're like jughead you never work like you're just a bum you know that likes hamburgers likes to eat hamburgers he says yeah that's right and you know those big chef hats they wear jacket pulls his chef hat off it's filled with hamburgers so the only reason he got the job in the first place was so he could um steal all these hamburgers from pop's chocolate shot well you know they say the 90 of the heat in a human's body escapes through the head so actually to keep them in there as wise it keeps the buns softened like pinks over at la brea and melrose and by the way i don't know if you've caught the new archie but midge has to extend the restraining order on moose from 30 to 50 feet i'll call in gavin to becker because most evidently on some anabolics and a little crazy at this point all right storm and norman it's good to talk to you brother let me take these off again real quickly this is all in january of next year 911 cobb san francisco 17th richmond bc 22nd medicine hat alberta 23rd regina saskatchewan 24th edmonton alberta 25th grand prairie alberta and the 30th and the 31st raleigh north carolina and you know your story about andy griffith reminds me once that i at lax at a luggage carousel ran into the great ray ralston my favorite martian and i asked him if he could pop the little antenna up he hit me in the windpipe with a ridge hand i still suffer thoratic damage from it so i know what it's like to meet a hero like andy griffith norman what do you got planned today what are you going to do uh well i was going to tell you my matlock story but no no go ahead sorry i've got time go ahead recon i thought you had to go go ahead no i remember i was telling you about how i met andy griffith yes so he's reading this big book you know i say i'll sidle up beside him and pretend to read a big book myself you know and then we'll get in a discussion right because they didn't want to just bug them you know that's how you mean and i was hoping maybe he'd by some crazy chance maybe recognize me or something so i stand beside him and he's reading and everything like that and i'm talking to him and everything uh anyways turns out the guy's not andy griffith he's just an old man so now i'm just talking to an old man who clearly uh is always like uh mistaken for andy griffith but uses it you know because i'm like two minutes three minutes and who would talk who would talk to an 85 year old man so this guy's just milking it you know ah norman i love you i'll talk at you down the road the dennis miller show we are joined now by comedian slash ventriloquist and i still see he's acting as i see a listing here on the sheet that he will be appearing in adam sandler's new movie funny people currently in production that sounds like a fun shoot i wish it was on that one nor mcdonald welcome to the show norm hey dennis merry christmas merry christmas norman where are you guys shooting funny people at and are you having fun with it i am having a riot i play a stand-up comedian wow you're kidding me what's the what's the movie about stand-ups yeah about stand-ups and how they're actually sad or something stuff like that where's the shoot taking place los angeles uh they just pick me up in a car and i get out it's somewhere in this time space continuum though right yeah all right i just you know i wanted to be sure uh who's who's in it besides you and adam any other comedians uh yeah sarah silverman mm-hmm the great david tell us oh so it's chock full full of uh soccer block as they said actors you snuck one in on me there norman now what are you doing for the are you a big holiday guy how do you how do you uh help the human condition around the holidays do you do charity work or do you just get out there and be norm is that enough for the world well no every year i get out of the laugh factory uh the great jamie masada has a christmas thing where he opens the door as a laugh factory to the homeless you know so i go out there with freddy stoller and we we ladle out some you know gravy and turkey and uh have you ever had a have you ever had a homeless guy in the middle of a set and you've come in and bumped him because you were on that no no no they don't do sets no it's a they we give food to the home actually john levitz is going to be doing a set this year so it's not entirely free but everything has its price guys out there homeless people doing the 20-second injury timeout gesture hey enough liar i'm trying to have some giblets over here okay can you lighten up jamie wanted to tell me also that this this year uh sex offenders are uh welcome hey i got an early christmas present from our manager mark gervais would he send you the shirtbread cookies and the caramel corn this year he sent me a card that said in lieu of a gift he's going to give money to a homeless people jesus that's pretty presumptuous on him isn't it yeah no kid who gets the tax right off on that one funny i give to charity plus i get gifts for my friends but uh yeah obviously not the case over there here's the thing about girvitz he does make the donation then he hits the homeless guy up for 10 percent it's absolutely brutal they always get they always wet their beak over there girl steen my friend now where are you going here you're going to cobs in san francisco january 9th through 11th three three day set there what do you like to do during the days in san fran to unwind do you guys just work on my ventriloquism oh you're that how's that going norm it's going great man i i thought rusty and i do a little holiday song for you oh you're kidding me let me kick back here and put my feet up in front of the fire you and rusty which puppet is rusty refresh me rusty's just my friend you know i i'm having a lot of trouble with my uh cranky old man i don't know if you remember old alec mcgirrison the virulent anti-semites yeah sure i remember when are you kidding me i have a plaque commemorating my first meeting i'm trying to get i'm trying to get rid of that guy because you know you know he's a holocaust denier that's no secret he's an enthusiastic holocaust denier and i've added up to here with this character you know man it's just a waste of wood but i don't know what to do one of my jewish friends suggested that uh you know why don't i just throw them in a fire and burn them but i say two wrongs don't make a right got to go but anyways we're not here to talk about that let me get rusty out here rusty rusty say hello to dennis hey dennis how are you how are you hey rusty what hi rusty oh hey who's the dummy here me or you it's me it sounds like it's you i'm sorry rusty let me give you my man voice hey rusty how are you doing yeah dummy hey come on now rusty that's ridiculous calling dennis miller a dummy on his own radio program now can i jump in here for a second and tell you here's how crazy norm is i'm sitting here believing that he actually has a puppet like it's not enough for him to fake the puppet act on the radio and over the phone he's actually you did pull out a puppet and have it on your arm right now don't you of course i have a my pal rusty here what do you boys have planned for us today rusty's norm we're gonna do a song according to this dummy would you stop calling me that you're the dummy you're a dummy now listen we're gonna do a song a beautiful song why by the way rusty what are you doing for christmas are you gonna see your family oh sure in my family tree it's an actual tree okay now that's just ridiculous you're actually overlapping dialogue here norm you're not even putting a second between you and the puppet's voice rusty are you ready to sing that song with me sure there you go okay i'll start here we go rudolph the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose and if you ever saw him you would say that he was a drunk that's ridiculous come on now this don't ruin this is a classic i'm sorry all right now let's continue then one foggy christmas eve santa came to town rudolph with your nose so bright have you been drinking some bathtub jim what okay now that's enough that's way beyond the pale i wish you'd kick the bucket like what kick the bucket what are you talking about you said tail [Laughter] [ __ ] it it's a synonym okay yeah that's right okay now that's ridiculous you're the dummy okay i'm sorry dennis this is going nowhere this is ridiculous i apologize for wrestling it's so crazy it's gotten so crazy over the years i can't go out with this this is this is just an abuse to the whole idea now what what separates rusty's old man voice from the old holocaust deniers voice what give me give me that voice you don't hear from him do you well and rusty's just wetted the palette for a little more puppetry i swore i'd never use this guy it's like the stones doing sympathy for the devil after altamonte alec how are you i'm okay i guess yeah i suppose what do you what do you think of this christmas what do i think of it i'm not gonna celebrate no holiday where a bunch of bearded new yorkers killed our savior hey hey come on you're going back in the case i'm sorry dennis you didn't quite you didn't quite have control of the posse today but i realize it's the holidays are amongst us and uh that they're a little petulant this time of year i can never keep these guys under control all right well norm in your entire retinue can i tell you folks he'll be up in richmond bc on january 17th british columbia that is the 22nd of january and medicine had alberta regina on the 23rd edmonton on the 24th 25th in grand prairie alberta and 30 31 in raleigh north carolina norm you are an absolute wild man we want you and yours i.e the satchel full of puppets to have a merry christmas and once again uh when is the date you'll be out there at the laugh factory jamie masada's place is that on christmas 25th and are is the public welcome to come and help or is it just a closed house event that jamie does for the homeless no any anybody that can come that doesn't have a place to go for christmas so you don't turn people away at the door if they have a home not at all all right i'd like to see that holiday spirit thank you norman ho ho ho this is the dennis miller show [Music] what what's name do i see here storm and norman mcdonald cold calling me what's up norm what are you eating some toast i was eating toast in the commercial and i just suck some down the wrong pipe and i'm a little dry you pick it up and run with it what's up norman ah nothing i just wanted to talk about some in the news here's the story i got up early today to save my son to school yeah and then i realized it was so early in the morning and i said what can i do i can either you know have a coffee or i can be a i can be in show business so you called in so i called in because you're in show you're one of the other guys in show business at seven in the morning it's a very it's a bridge and tunnel thing exactly listen man i want to talk about the news you know even though newscasters are up at seven in the morning you have to go to a comedian i get i used to get the stories ripped from the headlines that's where i get my jokes yes i see now i get them i typed from the directly from the www i don't know but no this is what happened i was on the airplane do you ever go something you ever hear a story that means you have no reference to the story ever at all yeah sure i do so i got off the airplane and the guy says to me because everything moves so fast guys says you hear what happened i go what with the baby and the hot air balloons you're like what are you telling me a joke it sounded like the guy was going to tell me one of those old great old jokes yeah exactly i mean that two a rabbi a priest and a nun walk into a bar that's that's the same sort of start you hear about the baby and the hot air bubbles like no what you never know you don't know if the guy is putting you on right and he's like you know and he goes you know the guy i go who's the guy as if i would know the guy right he goes the guy from wife's swap like i'm like i'm tomorrow for not putting these i said wife swap he goes well wife swapped too and he's like his attitude was like where have you been yeah well the amazing thing is that you're so much of an adult you can't put this disparate list of ingredients together baby hot air balloon why soft one no wife swap two where do you take it from there norman well i know kids love rides yes but uh i will say about the whole hot air balloon industry i've never been a uh i don't know man i've never been one to say hey i'd like to go up on a balloon with a blazing fire underneath me it seems like there's about seven ways that could you end up perishing there's only one way you could survive the only people who have ever pitched it historically were fortune uh or forbes magazine malcolm forbes and jules verne they're the only people who ever made hay off the hot air balloon everybody else you're right has ended up on mysterious island don't you think malcolm forbes is like hey man maybe if i go up on this hot air balloon all the time people will think of me as a hot air balloon guy and not a secret fruit well everybody has everybody has their motives i think you might have laser locked on those so you're not sending your boy up and up myself in there you're not sending your own son up in the hot air balloon norm no way man no my son just into regular boyhood things bungee jumping right uh indelible paintball yeah he likes to cut himself because he says it makes him feel something i'm like we're feeling nothing like everybody else norman it's good to hear your voice buddy what do you got coming up anything oh man i'm gonna be at the the the uh what all those names you know well get them to christian i'll read them man i hate to make you do your best but i'll do it after the break i gotta take one now thank you for cold calling us baby i appreciate that the great norm macdonald why doesn't he just feel nothing like this is a dennis miller show [Music] we have a uh special surprise that i've looked up correctly as you've been warning who's who's uh who's it who's no i just saw the name on my poor stormin norman mcdonald oh what's up he's gonna say that's surprising that's news to me what's up you crazy batman [Laughter] don't put me in harm's way no hey i just want to say christians say goodbye to sal and good riddance no no thanks i love shadow man yeah have you ever met i appreciate that yeah i met him when i first went in and guest hosted your show he was he was uh he was great he was he was really nice to me and then the next time i don't know what happened like he wasn't there i guess it was like ed mcmahon when johnny left he left yeah he had that written into his contract now he was here for every other guesthouse he just he's allergic to the puppets so when you came in with the guys he could not be there with you yeah i was hoping oh i got you i was here how are the guys are you still doing the puppets what was the one the holocaust denier american indian puppet or what was he oh yeah that guy you know that guy's playing wrong but listen what about these olympics are you i feel like two seagulls going after a dreamsicle you're wrenching it back into the olympics there you don't want to talk about the puppets all right what about these what about these uh olympics i know i love uh i love the winter olympics tell me why well because we get all the great sports together you know you get hockey and then all those other things oh god there's a stupid one but i saw figure skating which always never fails to um because these guys are such incredible skaters it's beyond me why it never encouraged them to pick up a hockey stick [Laughter] like it's like if they had a sport you know or a guy's just running around a football field you know yeah making sense i saw sean white last night talking in a clip about the why skateboarders don't break down in tears after they're judged it was on the colbert show like uh ice skaters figure skaters break down and cry after they're judged and sean white i think encapsulated it perfectly he said i don't know maybe they're thinking you mean i got into this outfit and i didn't get a good score uh look at that johnny weir's outfit man that was hotter than a two dollar pistol yeah johnny do you have did you have a little i don't know you got a little crush or what do you have there what no i i don't i mean he's no uh i don't know any others brian boycano he's now brian costello or whatever elvis sue pack or whatever bob you know bob stupak that's the guy who built the stratosphere in vegas and has no chin and he's dead he's an evil looking man yeah i forget about him yeah i've already now we got the gold medal from a guy that lives near me in santa monica um even lachoida [ __ ] or something yeah that's it he beat uh he beat the he beat the commies he put the commies in their place leshenko yeah was the was the russian yes that lost and now you know complaining about it and i forget what the other guy's name is already but he was a pretty classy kid did you like his outfit he had the black dark knight bat suit stretch suit on yeah didn't you tell me that you once had julie newmar in the catwoman suit in a hole in your basement that you had dug [Laughter] it rubs the lotion on its cat suit what about tiger i listen you know speaking of sports guys and i know you follow the sports what about this tiger woods the whole scenario i haven't talked to you since that happened well i don't i the only thing that surprises me about it is that that people were surprised they're like hey wait a second you're telling me that uh are we talking with the same guy the super charismatic billionaire you tell me that guy likes to lie down with the ladies i don't believe it says my brother-in-law mort that'd be a different story that would shock you if he had closed 14 porn star suckers and models exactly but you know i was trying to tell uh because the ladies are all carpet about us that's uh there's another story with tiger woods you know that the people don't seem to focus on it's a story i've been following for the last 12 years of my life and uh concerns jack nicklaus and sam snead and history but uh it has no ladies in it so that's the problem with it [Music] you have to be able to name at least three golf tournaments i'm still on the last line did he say what i thought he said yeah he said history history yeah all right because i thought it was are you sure it was history yeah he's having a little uh he's having a little story with history oh okay geez i thought i had gone a couple letters south and scared to live in hell now now dennis is a it turns out he's a sex addict yeah do you think do you believe that exists or is that just a contrivance well i don't know because to me if you're an addict to something it means you you do it a lot like you know what i mean yeah like what if you had sex with your wife every night i mean did that make you a sex addict more than somebody who had sex with like a hundred women no i think the 100 woman puts the wrist thing into play and makes it more of an addiction because of the danger involved but uh no but with an alcoholic it's it's the booze you know it doesn't matter if he uses the same glass you're saying if a man regularly makes love to his wife he should get some therapeutic help i think that tiger's a hot piece of hat right i think that sums it up where are you where are you performing norm where can the people go see you i don't know nah nothing happening right now now i'm going on the road for a for a long time if you want to see me check me out on the road all right i'll go to the room and i'll look for you good to hear your voice boy you're splendidly demented we'll talk to you thanks man and uh uh see you later what it sounds gonna be that announcer on the tonight that sounds jumping over there something i don't know we're about to announce it thank you norman we miss you uh good to talk to you norm mcdonald mcdonald but he is what no he's actually on what norm what dennis you're a freaking genius can i tell you that that plane ride you were on and that twitter jack i followed it for like five hours god that was funny man when i was tweeting yeah it was killing me norm i was watching some games or something and i had the twitter on and i just kept following your tweets and i could see you trapped on the plane going through the sleeve on the front of the seat in front of you and pulling everything out hey look at this porta kiln in the airport store and stuff like that i was running out of stuff i was running out of stuff now norm is a lot of stuff on a plane but listen man i know you tweet because i follow you i started tweeting out like a few weeks ago yeah and i thought these are the three people i follow who's that um at sarah silverman dennis dmz all right and at steve martin to go yeah steve martin's killing me you guys are funny thank you i'm just a young kid with a dream what are you working so hard for norm's going to host high states poker on the game show network and i i hope to get on this show i want to go on and do the sports show with nora macdonald because i know norm knows his sports and uh who's funnier than norm nobody that's on comedy central starting april 12th what are you working so hard for storm and norman you just experiencing a rebirth central uh one of those specials i know you got your first hour special uh it premieres saturday march 26th at 11 30 p.m 10 30 central on comedy central right after the rebroadcast of the donald trump roast and uh like i said you're usually an easy rider man why what are you just in a midlife crisis or why are you why are you working so hard here what i'm just saying some guys think i gotta i gotta start hustling and you're on three projects in the space of a week what's up [Applause] now listen dennis have you heard about this huckleberry finn thing uh i heard something about they wanted to take the uh uh the n word out right yeah anyways i wanted to bring it up before i forgot and then we'll get on to my uh my project all right do you have any observation on it any tweak on or just the the cognizance of the fact that they wanted well i feel it's a thorny issue [Laughter] no no that was that wasn't the whole thing no i thought you were going to go like how so tell us more norm i feel it's a thorny issue why norm well you got mark twain and you know and you're talking about i mean uh for those of you don't know you know what i'm talking about they've they've taken out us the n word you know out of many of the books of huckleberry sin norm and uh so you got a thorny issue that i think i i have a solution to do i hear it oh man never never anything more well the thorny issue is this yes you know you don't want to take you know mark twain you know one of the greatest writer ever to brush paper with ink you know and and change his words for god's sake on the other side of the coin you don't want to have a young african-american boy in school you know hearing that word out loud and uh and causing him pain so it's a thorny issue but i figure it this way you've read huckleberry finn you are so splendidly demented yeah i've read it i've read it you you know it's written in the first person by hucklefer yes i do and you know it includes the n word yes therefore you just change huckleberry fan to a black kid and everything's it's like a rap song at that point exactly everything's cool now let's get to my project [Laughter] was there any subtle disparagement in the homosexual community when you said huckle fairy bin because you know somewhere i thought there was a gay kid in high school but something slipped up there some gear some cog got messed up now norman i know you've been a poker fan for years but uh you're gonna you're gonna step in replace gabe kaplan i've been thinking about this for two years i've been thinking norm would be so perfect on this how are you going to treat it are you going to be diffracted are you going to be solid poker info well i don't know the thing about it is it's it's it's hard because you know you can see their hole cards you know so uh you know the uh the uh instinct is to go you know why what's this guy an idiot why clearly that other guy has a six yeah but he can't see that like why would he even think of calling [Laughter] that guy has a six so uh you know you don't want to say that so uh and then they're like be funny and so i go what's with that guy's shirt you'll hear that a lot you know my favorite poker players is the bald guy named gus do you know the cat i mean gus hanson yeah that guy's a beast yeah that guy's awesome beast high stakes poker that'll air saturdays at 8 p.m 7 central on uh game show network there's five comedians on the planet i'd set the tivo for or better yet be in front of the screen for an hour comedy special it's norm he's calling it me doing stand-up it premieres saturday march 26th at 11 30 10 30 central storming are you proud of it is it are you doing it live or is it in the can already and how'd it go nice in the can they let me uh they let me edit it i was always afraid to do a stand-up special you know now when you when you chortled after in the can was that another subtle disparagement of the imaginary high school gay kid you're a they let me edit the special so i was really happy to to because i was i was afraid you know because a lot of times like when they when i've seen those specials and uh i was like i don't want you know me to say a joke and then you cut behind me and show you know because they like like when i went to do the special they had something called a jib it's this camera that uh that like moves around like you know the same camera they have at the nba games you know right and i said i don't want that no stupid thing it's like they do the shot where they swoop in at the beginning of the lacajo fall remake across miami beach actually like you remember the old you remember old johnny carson uh believe me i'm obsessed yeah and uh well he would while you were on the old johnny carson show i wore an ascot yeah i wore an ascot the germans were great well they would shoot a comic from the you know from the from his belt to his the top of his head and everything i'm reading your tweets here man they're hilarious i think of you as mark twait [Music] you know what cracks me that was when you compare gaddafi to stuart mark i do that every third tweet normally that's don adams you probably know that that's john adams brother margolin is did you know that no i did not know that but then now it makes sense because uh when i met him at heff's they called him agent 69. [Laughter] uh norman do you still have the po are you still doing the holocaust denier puppet is he still with you [Music] uh it turned out he's wildly unsuccessful oh norm and you are a freaking genius and you know who i was talking about your tweets i had dinner with steve a while back and i said he followed norm and he said genius man so uh we we wait with baited breath for your next birthday martin yeah well you know that dude yes i do oh my god man i can i can barely get dinner with todd glass going ask them to take you to that greek place near the old ship in philly it's beautiful you know how you get the todd glass you have to go through the legendary wit yes that was my philly connection back then todd glass by the way christian trying to get todd on that's he's got a brilliant ratat delivery all right norman let me lay these down because these are important because this guy's a genius high stakes poker norm's going to be the host that airs saturdays at 8 pm 7 central on the game show network he's got a sports show can i come on this with you oh that'd be the greatest man that'd be my dream well i don't know you're the first guy ever give me a job in this uh this hardtack town you know we had mark brazil you look back at that staff man huh i feel like sid caesar you and drake mark brazil rooney how funny was that room yeah killer bro i remember you guys i remember one time mark brazile who always used to do a lot of jokes about he go we have to take we have to take down rush limbaugh like you'd write like three rush limbaugh jokes a day and then i remember you one simon thing going i kind of like russia it kind of makes sense and mark brazil like dropped but he always liked me we he was like i mean we had political differences but norm used to share an office with another comic genius named drake sailor and you guys tin foiled your windows over and i think you were both smoking at that point and i periodically open the door around an hour before the show and go hey guys god anything was pitch black i'd see two cigarette ashes and go we'll let you know boom did i ever tell you the story about when drake and i went to a movie writing course it was like this guy he talks christian probably knows who he is he talks you talk to ucla and you talk you have to pay 500 to go sam right mcgee like something like that god what was his name anyways so he talked you know he had to go every day ten hours for three days i think that was professor me and bobby mcgee wasn't it god i wish i remember that guy's name all right oh well um okay you know you're so smart about movies in the movie adaptation a guy played him i'm blank baby i thought you'd know it's so stupid because it's not important it's not germane to the story so anyways we go to the ucla thing you know it's 10 hours a day for three straight days so it's me and drake we think we're going to write a movie you know so we sit in the back and mcgee starts telling the story so he opens and we're lost like immediately you know within the first couple of hours of this 30-hour course but in his in his opening remarks mcgee said that it's all about the art of the storytelling you know right and he said it doesn't matter the content of the story it's how you tell it he goes we all know people who you know they're they're you know their child died that morning you know and and they tell the story and it's it's very dry whereas other people could tell you about losing change on a bus and make the story captivating you know so it's all about the telling of the story so uh drake and i were sitting there for the rest of the 30 hours and just like every couple of minutes drake's would turn to me and with some variant of the following he'd go uh you know listen marge uh can't story about that dead santa here it's a bit of a bit of a honor i don't know if you've heard lucy's story about uh losing change on the bus this morning but i want to take a few pointers that's a good drake impression too every time that time leno's lecturing up at the improv one night on melrose you know and in a nice way jay always would tell the young comics about it and uh he's got his arthur conan doyle pipe out and he's i always tell you 10 best jokes you don't save him for the next thing you don't know if there is a next time so we sit there for around 40 minutes and then at the end uh jay said okay guys i gotta go and uh you know he's got a fire truck outside or something he's driving and drink drake looks in he takes a draw on his cigarette goes hey thanks jay but i got a father joining us right now one of the most nimble comedy minds of his generation a true genius and i haven't read i haven't tweeted or read norm's tweets lately but uh there was one day where norm was on a cross-country flight as i'm about to be in a few hours here two hours and he tweeted all the way across the country and i'm telling you it reads like candide it is it is absolutely hysterical the great nor macdonald stormin hey amanda what are you traveling across the country yeah i'm [Laughter] yeah going going back to new york today where are you at i'm in los angeles all right in los angeles the city of uh no but um i don't know everything but uh uh what are you gonna do in new york [Laughter] wish that you were there quite frankly so you could have dinner with me where do you like to eat in new york normie what do you like i like wally and joseph oh you know uh bernie used to take me there did bernie take you there first oh no he didn't bernie brillstein took me there and they have the killer steaks and a nice bowl of pasta too so it's got the green sign down in the theater district yeah exactly yeah this other restaurant that was right across my apartment is called uh it's called uh uh uh patsy's uh patsy's no sure i've been to patsy's that's sinatra's old haunt roger ailes always takes you there when he wants to have lunch with you so one time i was uh one time i was uh it was after the smoking but you know they just put a smoking ban in where you couldn't smoke yeah and uh i guess this joint was run by some some friends of frank sinatra yes yes i do know what you're saying so uh i i went outside to smoke a cigarette you know because he couldn't smoke inside then this guy comes out he goes nah you come you smoke inside you know i'm like nah nah it's against the light goes you smoke inside know it's all right so then like i'm just sitting alone at this table a guy puts a giant ashtray in front of me i'm smoking this everyone's walking everyone's looking at me but he's like i was a man you know a maid man is yeah i know what a maid man is baby i remember one night gotti wanted my autograph for somebody at the columbus cafe and i went back and met those guys and you're you're it's fascinating in a way to watch that power you know you're supposed to be repulsed by it completely but there's something intoxicating about guys who are that uh let's say sure of themselves right who the teflon don yeah he used to hang at that columbus cafe joint not a lot but i saw him in there once and they said he asked for your autograph nah some kid he knew a kid i think it was his daughter maybe i'm wrong but they said he wants an autograph for this kid so i went back and signed it that's pretty cool one time uh rob schneider was telling me like you know if like someone recognized you you liked them kind of yeah so he was he was down in the studio this was before i was there but he used to have donahue down there right and so uh football williams was there the guy who threw the brick at reginald denny's head he was on donahue so he's like dressed up in a suit and everything and they were in the bathroom and then schneider like couldn't recognize him first he goes oh man that's the guy that you know through the prick and then uh and then all of a sudden football looks at uh schneider goes you're the copy guy man you're hilarious and schneider said he liked him the brickmeister [Laughter] lori what are you doing baby i missed the sports show you on hiatus or what are you doing you coming back or you're not coming back tv's a mercurial business but i love that show oh yeah that was fun man sports is so much fun uh no we're on we're on you're on biatus i'm sorry to hear that my friend i love the show what are you doing are you gonna do a flick you out on the road give me something give me something on the road ma'am i'm traveling uh i'm traveling across this great land like uh wow like you but uh so your your similes today they lack a little punch on the back end like i i nobody sets them up like you though i'm telling you you get up to that like and you've got uh you've got power and then the back end is uh no yeah i hope that i hope it comes to me norm can i tell you similes come to me like uh like uh you see what i did there now you're a master though but uh no i'm doing that oh no i'm in a movie what do you got what do you got uh no you know when people go hey my movie's coming out then it turns out it's sandler's movie and you're in it for five seconds you know the actors are like yeah i got this new tv show it's called the adventures of old christine and you're like what that's not yours but uh no sandler you know every once a year center will throw me a bone and then he'll desperately try to write me into the script but uh he's playing this uh uh he's in this movie where he plays a lady and his twin sister i mean a man and his twin sister a lady and then i go out with i go out with adam sandler but he's a he's a lady you know that's cool wow well i used to i used to love it when you two would make out at snl one time they made me make out with kneeling all right i'm just a writer and then like they write the sketch and they're like uh and then the idea was neelam was at a bar and heather locklear was over on the other side and they were looking at each other and trying to top each other so then uh heather locklear starts making out with a dude and then kneeling like makes out with me oh i remember this and then if a guy kisses you man oh my god you remember it for so much longer than if a girl kisses you yeah well it's it's uh and he has that big head and everything oh yeah yeah he's big on him now listen here no i didn't say that oh i'm sorry i misinterpreted you i i thought god no i don't remember that sketch i wouldn't remember if kevin and two of my good friends my good heterosexual friends would perform i'm thinking i gotta start paying more attention at the read through because i don't remember them norman uh speaking of turning up in movies imagine my shock when you came into jane eyre yeah what the hell was that about just something for dental benefits or something oh but you know it was funny when i was on saturday when i was on saturday night live uh milo's forum and the esteemed or the estimable director of one flew over the amadeus yeah so he would uh watch up tonight live and so he'd like to update he barely understood english yeah so he goes oh yeah so anyways he invites me to go eat with him at a nobu every week right yes and so it's me him two of his friends and these guys are from europe and they're smart they know everything these two guys and him you know and they're talking about like they know nothing about popular culture right it's all like oh did you see the they they're the black guy's best friend is vaclav have and i'm trying to get through it you know and then so finally i knew one thing you know i was like because when i was young there was a there was an insurrection in in my home province in canada of quebec you know yeah so you're going to throw that down yes i i started uh i started talking about the uh the friend deliberations of quebec and their uh and their uh terrorism of the early 70s then this guy knows more than i do about it yeah almost you know everything and then milos foreman he's like i'm working on a new script because how do you feel about freedom of speech i'm like i don't care who cares about that what he's like i lived through seven different regimes i'm like okay strange bedfellows all of a sudden he's looking at you like with that blank stare like chief at the end of cuckoo's nest he's got the will sampson little dude that was the guy's name yeah i'd listen seriously did you ever read the book the book is written in the in the in the from the narrative of the chief look at you norm behind the scenes you're a genius aren't you i just read one book all right so that's the only book you've ever read we just happened to bring it up during here no that was a great book he i read that keysi uh went to him uh worked in a mental hospital or something right he did and and and gobbled lsd about a handful well good to know our lunatics are in the hands of doc ellis you know doc ellis pitched no hitter on lsd i know have you seen the uh cartoon of that no oh i know because i always thought maybe that was a myth but then on the internet they have doc ellis actually talking about it you gotta check that out it's www dot youtube [Laughter] all right norman what are you up to man i hope i see you soon i miss you how's you get the boy packed off to college everything good oh yeah man i i i guess you've already been through that yeah it's sad man holy lord it's sad man there's a there's a dillon sized hole in my heart yeah does your boy have any of your chops is he quirky funny uh yeah he's a good boy he's quirky that's for sure yeah well i i know you love him norm it is tough man you get all serious with yourself i know comedians tend to goof through life then the bambino's not there it gets real serious brother yeah it does you're supposed to let them be free and stuff but uh it was up to me i'd lock him in the basement [Laughter] hannibal lecter home time all right good to talk to you normie i love you you're a genius you know that hey say hi to nikki for me all right i will who's that nick apollo oh nikki i i'm sorry surprise no no no i thought you were talking for some reason a girl popped into my head or something i will i'll say hi to the paulo by the way norm we would have accepted charles corral or uh kerouac oh wait a minute just just so you know how do you know that stuff what's that christian he was looking for i go across the country like oh kuralt or kerouac or uh let me see uh lewis and clark it would have been good too harriet tubman on a roadie all right we'll talk at well there he is norman evidently passing a stone or something no listen man christian gave me some uh some bogus number that sounds like me you're right norma i'm sure i did oh i miss you you gave me 3-1 you're not you're not you sound like you're in a bathroom stall with aaron sarkin at the burbank airport what are you doing oh no i'm in a beautiful mirage hotel wow what's the gig baby you playing in a poker thing or something no there's no gig you're just hanging out in vegas yeah that's the bad news uh you know entertainers go to vegas to you know wow the audience and so forth yes i i just come here and watch i watch i watch this a french circus i watch a bunch of frenchmen on trapeze for god's sake and that's in your room normie mcdonald at twittering by the way at norm mcdonald can i tell you folks i don't know if he's still keeping up the the pace that he used to but there's a sequence of tweets and it should be made available to everybody where norm's on a five-hour cross-country flight it's one of the funniest five hours ever as he real time did it was like mystery science 3000 saul's robots with puppets and norm still to this day one of the funniest things i've ever read hey listen i was just uh speaking of the road you know the travails the travails of the of the road bogus travails you're really getting a cracker barrel on me go ahead what do you want neil cassidy see the the minor liquor goes to the kirowak thing and the player goes right to the cassidy but as in uh i said everywhere i go everyone's occupying everything you know that yes of course and uh i was actually in new york city itself and i went down to see uh to see the ridiculousness of ridiculousity the ridiculousity of it and um here's the here's the deal all right all right you know those guys that invest your money like sheer some lehman brothers yes and all that guys yes they're they yeah they invest your money you give them their money whatever anyway as it turned out some uh turned out some damn dirty hippies showed up trying to take over unbelievable so now they're there and they were like we want our money for the people and then the shears and brothers guys went we don't have we keep our money in the bank like everybody else you idiots so also i don't want them to take over this is my political you you like politics i'm occasionally not when i'm on with you because well my view is this i don't want hippies taking over and investing my hard-earned money on the on hacky sacks and weed and stuff i mean i'm looking for the future hey but what about this dennis you ever seen commercials there are these commercials where you know the guy's telling you something you already know like i've noticed these commercials sprouting up a lot on the tv yes a guy will come up the guy i'll come on the tv and he'll go hey listen you know what's uh valuable that you should uh you should own police and i go yeah i know that they go it's worth a lot of money you know you should get some solid bars of gold i'm like i know i watched daffy duck when i was a kid but uh and then it's like some it's just like i'm i'm g gordon liddy i broke into the watergate hotel do you like gold that's the hell of a spokesman yeah the spokesman makes really no sense to the product except that every person knows the value of gold in fact in this country for many years a gold standard right right and that gold standard is dennis miller hi i'm richard speck in between killing nurses in chicago i buy uh gold that richard speck thing they blew that way out of proportion the guy had one bad day but listen how can how can a guy just have one day like that like he's just a regular dude and then all of a sudden good lord like i can understand the guys that do it once to shape their uh first you know yes or you can understand nicholson getting out on coldwater canyon with a driver and taking out a fellow driver's dash window but the the eight nurses that's a cranky day right yeah i know man but one of them uh listen let's not get grim about it but uh that guy went to jail and turned into a hot lady nothing grim there hey norm will be doing stand up live in phoenix no it's called stand up live in phoenix january 13 14 15. when is that uh january 13 14 and 15 in the year 25 25 zagren evans then the casino regina not to be confused with the uh uh uh what did those two little creatures say kuna matata in regina canada or regina as they say yeah as the canadians say february 4th and then at the dc improv which is now the house of representatives in washington dc february 16th you stole that joke off of will rogers junior junior and uh hey i said you know it was in new york that i didn't even realize still perform the capital steps oh they're funny anything can happen and usually does norm hold for a second i've got to take a break back with norm mcdonald right after this then it's really choked folks we're joined by norm mcdonald who's in vegas doing a dry run of his new one-man show a salute to paulie shore called give him hell weasel and i've seen i've seen a table read and he literally inhabits the paulie short part what give him hal weasel give him al weasel we weren't supposed to plug that so early what are you doing for christmas norman uh for christmas i i'm gonna have my beautiful son with me the whole time so i'm just gonna we're just gonna play ping-pong and uh and talk oh oh hi housekeeping what's going on hey can you come back all right what the dennis miller program get your mini skirt and tube top on or merry christmas brother i love you okay man i'll get you down the road norm will be at stand up live in phoenix january 13th 14th and 15th casino regina in regina canada february 4th and at the dc improv in washington dc february 16th through 19th don't even want to think what that made just walked in

Channel: Comedy & Chill

Views: 1,230,638

Keywords: comedy, chill, norm macdonald, norm macdonald live, norm macdonald snl, norm macdonald interview, dennis miller, tom green, woke, jokes, norman gene macdonald, norm macdonald secret, norm macdonald compilation, norm macdaonald mix, im not norm, i didnt even know he was sick, comedy & Chill, comedy and chill, netflix, 2022, amc, gme, stock, market, crash, housing, invest, talk show, heroes, funniest, top 10

Id: j7AvfPO0a44

Length: 200min 55sec (12055 seconds)

Published: Sat Jun 18 2022