WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO "THE
LATE SHOW." PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY. THANK YOU SO MUCH. WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. NOW WE ARE LIVE--<i>
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> THAT'S A LIVE-- THAT'S A LIVE
AUDIENCE RIGHT THERE. IT IS JUST CRACKLING WITH
ELECTRICITY IN HERE BECAUSE-- <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
>> Jon: SHAKE, RATTLE AND ROLL. >> Stephen: WE ARE LIVE AFTER
THE FIRST TWO OF DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES. I'M GOING TO TELL YOU ALL ABOUT
IT, IF BILL de BLASIO DOESN'T INTERRUPT ME. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
TONIGHT-- TONIGHT, WEDNESDAY, WAS THE UNDERCARD,
PITTING ELIZABETH WARREN, CORY BOOKER, AND BETO O'ROURKE
AGAINST SEVEN PEOPLE ANGLING FOR MSNBC SHOWS. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
THERE WERE SOME CHALLENGES-- EXCITING NIGHT, BUT THERE WERE
CHALLENGES. THEY TALKED OVER EACH OTHER,
THERE WERE SOME TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, BUT IT WAS AN
EXCELLENT DRESS REHEARSAL FOR TOMORROW'S ACTUAL DEBATE. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
VERY GOOD. VERY ENTERTAINING. FINAL PREVIEW. FINAL PREVIEW, WE CALL THAT ON
BROADWAY. NOW, I TUNED INTO NBC EARLY, AND
WHAT I SAW GOT ME REALLY GOT ME EXCITED ABOUT THE NEW
DEBATE FORMAT. UNFORTUNATELY, THAT WAS ELLEN'S
"GAME OF GAMES." THOUGH, THAT GIANT BOOT WOULD
HAVE BEEN WELCOME ANY ONE OF BILL de BLASIO'S INTERRUPTIONS. NOW, THE BIGGEST EARLY MOMENT
WAS A LINGUISTIC SURPRISE FROM BETO O'ROURKE. >> THIS ECONOMY HAS GOT TO WORK
FOR EVERYONE, AND RIGHT NOW, WE KNOW THAT IT ISN'T. AND IT'S GOING TO TAKE ALL OF US
COMING TOGETHER TO MAKE SURE THAT IT DOES. (SPEAKING SPANISH)
>> Stephen: I'M NOT ENTIRELY SURE WHY HE FELT HE HAD TO DO
THAT. HE'S EITHER TRYING TO LOCK UP
THE HISPANIC VOTE OR RUNNING FOR "EMBARRASSING DAD AT A
MEXICAN RESTAURANT." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
HERE'S THE THING-- <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
D-- HERE'S THE CRAZY THING: WHEN
BETO WAS HABLAING THE ESPANOL, THIS IS TRUE--
IN THE CLOSED CAPTIONING, IT JUST SAID
"SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE." I REALLY LIKE THAT! REALLY GOT THROUGH! REALLY PENETRATED! "FOREIGN LANGUAGE?"
CAN WE GET A LOOK AT NBC'S CLOSED CAPTIONING GUY? YEAH, MAKES SENSE. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> AND CORY BOOKER WAS NOT HAVING
IT. CHECK OUT THE SIDE-EYE HE GAVE
BETO. DAMN! THAT WAS GOING TO BE MY THING. BUT THE MODERATORS WEREN'T READY
TO TAKE "SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE" AS AN ANSWER. >> THAT'S TIME, SIR. I'LL GIVE YOU TEN SECONDS TO
ANSWER IF YOU WANT TO ANSWER THE DIRECT QUESTION "WOULD YOU
SUPPORT A 70% INDIVIDUAL MARGINAL TAX RATE?"
YES, NO, OR PASS? >> Stephen: (AS BETO)
UM... "NO HABLO INGLES." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
RIGHT AFTER BETO, JULIAN CASTRO HAD A CHANCE TO SPEAK. >> YOU KNOW, I GREW UP WITH A
MOTHER WHO RAISED MY BROTHER, JOAQUIN, AND ME AS A SINGLE
PARENT. AND I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE... >> Stephen: (AS CASTRO)
"... TO ACTUALLY SPEAK SPANISH." <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
THE FORMER CONGRESSMAN FROM MARYLAND HAD A CHANCE FOR A
REBUTTAL. >> CONGRESSMAN DELANEY, DO YOU
AGREE? >> Stephen: AND, CONGRESSMAN,
KEEP IN MIND, THIS IS THE ONLY TIME WE WILL BE CALLING ON YOU. SO IF YOU SPEAK SPANISH, OR EVEN
PIG LATIN, I WOULD EAK-SPAY IT-YAY OW-NAY." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
DELANEY TRIED TO STAND OUT FROM THE CROWD. >> YOU KNOW, I'M VERY DIFFERENT
THAN EVERYONE ELSE HERE ON THE STAGE. >> Stephen: (AS DELANEY)
"UNLIKE THE OTHERS, I'M JUST DOING THIS ON A DARE FROM MY
BROTHER-IN-LAW. JOKE'S ON YOU, RICK! PAY UP! I'M ON STAIN." WASHINGTON GOVERNOR JAY INSLEE
SPOKE ABOUT THE MASSIVE WEALTH GAP FOR AMERICAN WORKERS. >> IT ISS NOT RIGHT THAT THE
C.E.O. OF McDONALD'S MAKES 2,100 TIMES MORE THAN THE PEOPLE
SLINGING HASH AT McDONALD'S. >> Stephen: (AS INSLEE)
"YOU KNOW, THE WORKERS SLINGING HASH ON THE FLAT-TOP, WITH TWO
SUNNY-SIDES ON RYE. HI, I'M JAY INSLEE, AND I HAVE
NEVER STEPPED INSIDE A McDONALDS." <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
"WITH ADAM & EVE ON A RAFT. AMY KLOBUCHAR TRIED TO SET
HERSELF APART FROM TRUMP. >> THE PRESIDENT LITERALLY WENT
ON TV, ON FOX, AND SAID THAT PEOPLE'S HEADS WOULD SPIN WHEN
THEY'D SEE HOW MUCH HE WOULD BRING DOWN PHARMACEUTICAL
PRICES. INSTEAD, 2,500 DRUGS HAVE GONE
UP IN DOUBLE DIGITS SINCE HE CAME INTO OFFICE. INSTEAD, HE GAVE $100 BILLION IN
GIVEAWAYS TO THE PHARMA COMPANIES. FOR THE REST OF US, FOR THE REST
OF AMERICA, THAT'S WHAT WE CALL AT HOME "ALL FOAM AND NO BEER." >> Stephen: IF THAT'S A METAPHOR
YOU FREQUENTLY USE, SENATOR, THEN, AS WE SAY BACK IN SOUTH
CAROLINA, "I'M A SHRIMP SANDWICH IN A THUNDERSTORM." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
EVERY CANDIDATE LIT UP WHEN IT CAME TO THE SUBJECT OF HEALTH
CARE. >> TO STAY THE WAY IT IS,
BECAUSE IT'S NOT WORKING FOR FAMILIES, BUT IT SURE AS HECK IS
WORKING FOR-- IT'S TIME FOR US TO MAKE
FAMILIES COME FIRST. >> GOVERNOR INSLEE? >> IT SHOULD NOT BE AN OPTION IN
THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA FOR ANY INSURANCE COMPANY TO DENY A
WOMAN COVERAGE FOR THEIR EXERCISE OF THEIR RIGHT OF
CHOICE. >> Stephen: NOTHING LIKE
INTERRUPTING A WOMAN TO TELL EVERYONE THAT YOU CARE ABOUT THE
RIGHTS OF WOMEN. THANK YOU, GOVERNOR. THANK YOU! <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
THANK YOU. ABOUT 35 MINUTES INTO THE
DEBATE, AS THE CANDIDATES WERE TALKING ABOUT THE TRAGEDY AT THE
BORDER, TRUMP FINALLY WEIGHED IN TWEETING, "BORING!"
"HUMANITARIAN CATASTROPHES THAT I DIRECTLY CAUSED? BEEN THERE. LITERALLY DONE THAT!"
AND WHEN THE TOPIC TURNED TO THE BORDER CRISIS, BOOKER TOOK
BETO'S SPANISH AND RAISED HIM MUCHO MAS. ( SPEAKING SPANISH )
>> Stephen: OH, SNAP! IT IS-- IT IS ON! IT IS ON! IT IS A ESPANOL-OFF! OR, AS THEY SAY IT IN
SPANISH, "GRUPO DE IDIOTAS." <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
I HOPE I SAID THAT RIGHT. I DON'T-- I DON'T SPEAK "FOREIGN
LANGUAGE." BY THE WAY, GUYS, THERE'S SO
MUCH SPANISH ON STAGE, ICE IS CLOSING IN. GET OUT OF THERE! THEN, TELEMUNDO ANCHOR JOSE
BALART CALLED BETO ON HIS LOS TALKING POINTS. ( SPEAKING SPANISH )
>> Stephen: (AS BETO) "... UH, THAT WAS NOT ONE OF THE
PHRASES I MEMORIZED, SIR. YOU ARE SPEAKING-- YOU ARE
SPEAKING A FOREIGN LANGUAGE, I BELIEVE." >> IF YOU GO TO GUANTANAMO BAY,
THERE ARE TERRORISTS THAT ARE HELD THAT GET BETTER HEALTH CARE
THAN THOSE KIDS THAT HAVE TRIED TO CROSS THE BORDER INTO THE
UNITED STATES. >> Stephen: YES, LET'S SEND
THOSE KIDS TO GUANTANAMO BAY! WAIT, NO. I TAKE THAT BACK! TWO NEW MODERATORS TOOK OVER AT
HALF TIME RACHEL MADDOW AND CHUCK TODD, WHICH RAWZED THE
QUESTION: IS IT POSSIBLE THIS
DEBATE WILL HAVE MORE HOSTS THAN CANDIDATES? THEN COMPLETE AND UTTER CHAOS. MANY OF YOU ARE CALLING FOR A
RESTORATION OF AN ASSAULT WEAPONS BAN. BUT EVEN IF--
>> EVERYBODY'S MICS ARE ON. I THINK WE HAVE-- A-- I HEARD
THAT, TOO. I THINK WE HAVE A MIC ISSUE IN
THE BACK. WE HAVE THE AUDIENCE AUDIO. >> Stephen: I'M SORRY, AS I
WAS SAYING, OBVIOUSLY, THIS IS A DEEPLY SENSITIVE AND TRAGIC
ISSUE, AND NOW IT APPEARS THAT A BURCH OF SPRAY DOGS HAVE
WANDERED ON TO THE STAGE. THE DOGS ARE NOW HUMPING BILL
de BLASIO'S LEG. CONTROL ROOM! CONTROL ROOM! WE'RE HEARING THE HUMPING! CAN WE TURN OFF THE MIC THAT WE
FOR SOME REASON PUT ON BILL de BLASIO'S LEG? THANK YOU VERY MUCH! BUT DHAI GOT THAT FIXED AND THEY
KEPT GOING, BUT NOT REALLY. >> BUT, EVEN IF IT'S PUT IN
PLACE THERE ARE STILL GOING TO BE PERHAPS HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS
OF GUNS STILL ON THE STREETS. IS THERE A ROLE FOR THE FEDERAL
GOVERNMENT IN ORDER TO-- TO PLAY IN ORDER TO GET THESE GUNS OFF
THE STREETS? ( SPEAKING IN BACKGROUND ). >> WHAT'S HAPPENING? >> WE ARE HEARING OUR
COLLEAGUES' AUDIO. IF THE CONTROL ROOM COULD TURN
OFF THE MICS. YEAH, IF THE CONTROL ROOM COULD
TURN OFF THE MICS OF OUR PREVIOUS MODERATORS. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
>> YOU KNOW, WE PREPARED FOR EVERYTHING. >> GUESS WHAT, GUYS. >> WE DID NOT PREPARE FOR THIS. >> Stephen: WOW, THAT IS
REALLY EMBARRASSING TO HAVE A LIVE SHOW WHERE YOU DON'T KNOW
WHOSE MICS ARE ON WHOSE MICS ARE OFF
( SPEAKING IN BACKGROUND ) PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT THE
THING YOU'RE TRYING TO ASK QUESTIONS ABOUT THE ENTIRE TIME
THAT YOU'RE TALK. PEOPLE BEHIND YOU ARE JUST
TALKING ON THEIR MICROPHONES THE ENTIRE TIME. AND, JON. A. YOU GOT TO GET SOME -->> Step
JON. I'M TRYING TO DO THE MONOLOGUE. YOUR MIC IS ON. THIS IS LIVE. >> Jon: YEAH, I KNOW IT IS. IT'S GOING GREAT, I THINK. I WAS REALLY JUST TRYING TO SEE
IF YOU WANTED TO GET SOMETHING TO EAT AFTER THIS. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
>> Stephen: YEAH, CHINESE WOULD BE GREAT ONCE ALL OF THAT
CLEARED UP, MADDOW ASKED JAY INSLEE ABOUT HIS CENTRAL
CAMPAIGN TOPIC-- CLIMATE CHANGE. >> WE'RE HERE IN MIAMI, WHICH IS
ALREADY EXPERIENCING SERIOUS FLOODING ON SUNNY DAYS AS A
RESULT OF SEA LEVEL RISE. DOES YOUR PLAN SAVE MIAMI? >> YES. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
>> Stephen: THAT IS THE BIGGEST SOFTBALL A PRESIDENTIAL
CANDIDATE CAN HOPE FOR. "I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYONE SAYS,
I BELIEVE THE PEOPLE OF THIS GREAT CITY SHOULD NOT DROWN! NO, I-- I DON'T!"<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> AND WHILE THEY WERE TALKING
CLIMATE CHANGE, JOHN DELANEY DID HIS BEST TO YANK THE SPOTLIGHT
OVER TO HIS CORNER. >> I INTRODUCED THE ONLY
BIPARTISAN CARBON TAX BILL-- >> 30 SECONDS. >> Stephen: "AND THAT'S WHY I
LOST MY CONGRESSIONAL SEAT, RACHEL. CARD ON THE TABLE, GUYS. I NEED THIS JOB. I'M SORRY! I SAID I WOULDN'T CRY. I JUST..." <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
THEN, CONGRESSWOMAN FROM HAWAII, TULSI GABBARD AND TIM RYAN GOT
INTO IT OVER NATIONAL SECURITY. >> THE REALITY OF IT IS IF THE
UNITED STATES ISN'T ENGAGED, THE TALIBAN WILL GROW. WE HAVE GOT TO HAVE SOME
PRESENCE THERE-- >> THE TALIBAN WAS THERE LONG
BEFORE WE CAME IN. THEY'LL BE THERE LONG BEFORE WE
LEAVE. >> EXACT-- THEY WERE. >> WE CANNOT KEEP U.S. DEPLOYING
TO AFGHANISTAN THINKING WE'RE GOING TO SOMEHOW SQUASH THIS
TALIBAN THAT HAVE BEEN THERE. >> I DIDN'T SAY SQUASH THEM. I DIDN'T STAY SQUASH THEM. WHEN WE WEREN'T IN THERE THEY
STARTED FLYING PLANES INTO OUR BUILDINGS. >> THE TALIBAN DIDN'T ATTACK US
ON 9/11. AL QAEDA DID. THAT'S WHY I AND SO MANY OTHER
PEOPLE JOINED THE MILITARY TO GO AFTER AL QAEDA, NOT THE TALIBAN. >> Stephen: TULSI, TIM,
PLEASE, DON'T FIGHT! YOU'RE BOTH NOT GOING TO BE
PRESIDENT! PLEASE, JUST--<i>
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> TIM RYAN IDENTIFIED WHAT HE
THOUGHT WAS THE BIGGEST THREAT BUT HAD A CONFUSING EXPLANATION
WHY. >> CHINA, WITHOUT A QUESTION,
THEY'RE WIPING US AROUND THE WORLD. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
>> Stephen: AND THE AWARD FOR BEST CLIP THAT SOUNDS LIKE IT
SHOULD HAVE BEEN BLEEPED GOES TO... TIM RYAN FOR "THE WEIRD
THING ABOUT CHINA WIPING US." <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
CONGRATULATIONS. THEN IT WAS TIME FOR CLOSING
STATEMENTS. AND IT DID NOT GO GREAT FOR JOHN
DELANEY. >> IT'S TIME NOW FOR CLOSING
STATEMENTS. EACH CANDIDATE HAS 45 SECONDS. WE WANT TO BEGIN WITH FORMER
CONGRESSMAN DELANEY. >> I'M CLOSING NOW? <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
>> Stephen: OH! OH, JOKING NOW? IT'S NOT EASY TO BE HILARIOUS
AND HEARTBREAKING AT THE SAME TIME. BRAVO, SIR. AND CASTRO CLOSED WITH THE
NIGHT'S BIGGEST BILINGUAL ZINGER. >> AND ON JANUARY 20, 2021,
WE'LL SAY ADIOS TO DONALD TRUMP. >> Stephen: STRONG WORDS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
STRONG WORDS. POWERFUL STATEMENT. I GOTTA SAY, A VERY POWERFUL
STATEMENT. IF ONLY BETO O'ROURKE WOULD
TRANSLATE WHAT THAT MEANS. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, EVERYBODY. FOR REACTION TO TONIGHT'S DEBATE
I WILL BE JOINED BY ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ. AND THEN "MEANWHILE." STICK AROUND
EVERYBODY.
