Don’t Panic! | Ash Wednesday vs. Valentine’s Day | Trump: “I Want To Be Loved!”

[Applause] welcome welcome one and all in here out there and all the ships at Sea to The Late Show I'm your host Steven colar I just want to I start tonight I I just I just want to start tonight by saying calm down there's no reason to panic and I know that because of the screaming all caps headlines that say no reason to panic unfortunately having no reason is my favorite way to panic all of this is because there's some alarming news from Ohio representative and man who just walked in on his son playing catch with another dad Mike Turner Turner who is the Republican chairman of the house intelligence committee released an unusual statement today warning of a serious national security threat without providing any additional details okay that's unnecessarily vague it's like labeling a pack of cigarettes surgeon general's warning trust me you don't want to know now we we didn't get much more than that right we didn't get much more more than that other than reports that the threat is related to Russia oh my God is it a bioweapon is is it cyber warfare are they sending Steven Sagal back well whatever it is Turner wants the White House to release the details of the threat to the public immediately now for their part the White House said they were planning a congressional briefing for tomorrow adding that they couldn't do it today cuz they're a little busy stocking up on canned goods now other congressmen on the intelligence committee have stepped forward to call for calm one Connecticut Congressman Jim Heim said I don't want people thinking that martians are landing or that your Wednesday is going to be ruined martians are landing oh great now my Wednesday's ruined so that that was our midafternoon Panic right mid-afternoon Panic by late afternoon we got we got some more details from sources with access to highly classified information so anyone who used the bathroom at Mar Lago reportedly the threat is Russia wanting nuclear weapons in space but before you get too worried the nukes would not be to drop a weapon on Earth from orbit but to possibly use again satellites reminds me of that famous quote from Oppenheimer now I am become death destroyer of GPS find your own way to Costco suckers so again again I cannot say this enough there is no reason to panic about that the only reason to panic is if you forgot it's Valentine's Day you still have 20 minutes to save your marriage now this is an extra special Valentine's Day this year because Valentine's Day and Ash Wednesday fall on the same day which explains why the top gift at CVS this year was an adorable toy bear that says for dust Thou Art and unto dust shalt thou return now for any of my viewers out there who aren't Catholic these holidays are very different Valentine's Day is all about sensual Indulgence in making love while Ash Wednesday is a day of fasting and reflection marking the start of Lent some Catholics may be temped to celebrate both but one Bishop out there warns Ash Wednesday with its fasting and abstinence requirements is far more significant and should be prioritized sounds like somebody didn't get a Valentine's last year Bishop this Valentine's Day nearly half of us adult population is unmarried half which means statistically speaking there's a 50% chance that if you're married your spouse is not ask always ask with this increase in singles reports show that self-gifting is on the rise now remember the Catholic church is against that too what I don't h so really okay okay that's a stroker what I don't understand is what's the difference between self-gifting and just buying things this year I'm gifting myself an oil change and a pack of gum God I'm such a terrible Gift Giver I have to break up with me but I can't do it on Valentine's Day it's not just singles celebrating themselves because this Valentine's Day polyamory is getting more attention mostly from that one couple who keep saying Did we tell you we're polyamorous now because we are and it's totally cool with both of us right honey she's cool with it now as a happily married monogamist I would never go in for polyamory because who has the time or the energy a two-person relationship is already work enough in fact I'm so busy that me and eie work our date nights into the show now she's on tonight hi sweetie darling darling do enjoy these jokes about polyamory they're just jokes Donald Trump celebrated the day by writing a valentine to his wife Melania and then having his campaign send a mass email blast with the subject line I love you Melania unsubscribe the actual text sure the actual text of the Valentine is actually pretty weird it reads dear Melania I love you even after every single indictment arrest and Witch Hunt you never left my side through thick and thin no matter what the deal no matter through thick and thin no matter what deal the prosecutors offered you you kept your trap shut That's What I Call love also what our prenup calls minimum negotiated terms okay you signed last night is this just last night just last night tonight love I love love last night we got big election results in the special election to fill the house seat vacated by Republican fabulous George Santos seen here appearing on television for the very last time Republicans were hoping to hang on to the seat with their candidate a woman named Mazy pilip but the clear winner was Democrat Tom swazi seen here seen here at SeaWorld begging for fish swazi or the swas as no one calls him won by a commanding eight-point lead and delivered a victory speech last night where he laid out his vision for America it's time to find common ground and start delivering for the people of the United States of America let's take our country back from the dividers so listen do you want to take the country back from the people who are trying to divide it are you with me in that fight and just so we're clear there are two groups of people out there the uniters that's us and the dividers that's them and we're going to crush them beneath our iron boots right death to [Music] dividers death Wazi also had some thank yous to give out I want to thank the chairman of the Queens Republican party GRE Greg Meeks and the did I say republican I don't want to thank I don't want want to thank the chairman of the queen Republican party I want to thank the chairman of the Queen's Democratic party o with mixup like that a lot of people are asking if swazi is too old to be president now uh the district swazi now represents is the most diverse District in the United States and he made sure to shout out to all of his supporters I want to thank the Jewish voters of my district who stuck with me I want to thank the Chinese Americans who helped me in this race I want to thank the Korean amans I want to thank the Indian amans the Pakistani and the bangladeshis the Muslim Community African-Americans the Latino Americans the White Irish and Italian Guys I want to thank the women and uh I want to thank uh I want to thank uh men who were under 55 I see you short Kings uh I got to thank Magnus this one I Icelandic American guy I see sometimes uh let's see who am I leaving out left-handed ghosts now this is a swing District so it's not a shock that a Centrist like pilip didn't seek Donald Trump's endorsement and the fact that she didn't made him mad as he posted last night on Truth social Republicans just don't learn I have an almost 99% endorsement success rate in primaries and a very good number in general elections yes yes if she just would have embraced Trump she could have joined the ranks of success stories like Senator Oz Senator brain damage and Governor different kind of brain damage Trump trump truth Dawn Mega which is most of the Republican Party stayed home and it always will unless it is treated with the respect that it deserves I stayed out of the race I want to be loved wow wow that came out of nowhere his subconscious just jumped up his throat and strangled his brain right in the middle of his screed we must get out of NATO because they aren't paying their fair I want love Daddy please hug me hug me once share of the defense budget so I would encourage Russia to give me fries hungry mommy sex booby we got a great show for you tonight my guests are Mark Walberg and Lily Gladstone but when we return my wife Evie and I have some first draft some valentin's CS at a special [Applause] [Music] announcement

Channel: The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Views: 1,491,964

Keywords: The Late Show, Late Show, Stephen Colbert, Steven Colbert, Colbert, celebrity, celeb, celebrities, late night, talk show, comedian, comedy, CBS, joke, jokes, funny, funny video, funny videos, humor, hollywood, famous

Id: MaN2XBD4YZk

Length: 10min 54sec (654 seconds)

Published: Thu Feb 15 2024