WELCOME, WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO
"THE LATE SHOW,." I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. WELL TODAY, THERE REALLY IS JUST
ONE BIG STORY: AMERICA'S STEP-DADDY IS ANGRY. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
SEE, TRUMP AND CONGRESS HAVE BEEN IN A STANDOFF OVER
INVESTIGATIONS. UNTIL NOW, TRUMP HAS BLOCKED
EVERY REQUEST MADE BY HOUSE INVESTIGATORS AND DEMO-CRATES--
THEM THERE DEMO-CRATES -- THEY HAVE A PAINFUL CASE OF THE BLUE
SUBPOENAS. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
SO THIS IS LEADING TO MORE AND MORE AND MORE OF THOSE
DEMO-CRATES TO THROW UP THEIR HANDS AND CALL FOR IMPEACHMENT. SO, THIS MORNING, NANCY PELOSI
HELD A MEETING TO CALM DOWN HER CAUCUS, AND SHE EMERGED TO SAY
THIS: >> WE BELIEVE NO ONE IS ABOVE
THE LAW, INCLUDING THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, AND WE
BELIEVE THE PRESIDENT IS ENGAGED IN A COVER-UP. >> Stephen: IT'S CALLED BRONZER,
NANCY. IT'S CALLED BRONZER, NANCY, AND
HE'S NOT FOOLING ANYONE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I THOUGHT I COULD BEAT THEM. I THOUGHT I COULD BEAT THEM. AFTER THAT, PELOSI AND CHUCK
SCHUMER HEADED OVER TO THE WHITE HOUSE FOR A PRE-SCHEDULED
MEETING ON THEIR INFRASTRUCTURE DEAL. IF YOU REMEMBER A COUPLE OF
WEEKS AGO, MAKE A MONTH, THE DEMOCRATS PROPOSED A
$1 TRILLION INFRASTRUCTURE DEAL AND TRUMP SAID, "WHY NOT
$2 TRILL?" SO THEY SAID OKAY. TODAY WAS JUST SUPPOSED TO BE
HAMMERING OUT THE DETAILS AND VENMO-ING THE CASH, WITH A
LIG BRIDGE EMOJI OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
IT DIDN'T WORK OUT THAT WAY. ACCORDING TO PEOPLE IN THE ROOM,
TRUMP WALKED IN, DIDN'T SHAKE ANYONE'S HAND OR TAKE A SEAT,
AND LEFT BEFORE ANYONE ELSE COULD SPEAK. ALL TOLD, IT WAS OVER IN THREE
MINUTES. >> Audience: OOOOH! >> Stephen: ACCORDING TO
STORMY DANIELS, THAT'S TWO BONUS MINUTES. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> ♪ ♪ ♪
NOW, TRUMP WALKED OUT THE DOOR, STRAIGHT TO THE ROSE GARDEN FOR
A NATIONALLY TELEVISED HISSY FIT, COMPLETE WITH A PODIUM
ADORNED WITH A PREPRINTED SIGN THAT SAID, "NO COLLUSION, NO
OBSTRUCTION." BLOCK THE SEAL. VERY PRESIDENTIAL, I GOTTA SAY,
VERY PRESIDENTIAL. IT REMINDS ME OF THE TIME THAT
JEFFERSON ADDRESSED THE CONTINENTAL CONGRESS BEHIND A
SIGN THAT SAID, "SALLY HEMMINGS, JUST A FRIEND." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
TRUMP STARTED -- HE STARTED THE WHOLE KID KITT AND CABOODLE BY
EXPLAINING WHY THE INFRASTRUCTURE MEETING WAS SO
SHORT. >> I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW
THAT I WALKED INTO THE ROOM, AND I TOLD SENATOR SCHUMER, SPEAKER
PELOSI, "I WANT TO DO INFRASTRUCTURE. I WANT TO DO IT MORE THAN YOU
WANT TO DO IT. I'D BE REALLY GOOD AT THAT. THAT'S WHAT I DO. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU CAN'T DO IT UNDER THESE
CIRCUMSTANCES." >> Stephen: SO TRUMP HAS A CLEAR
STANCE ON INFRASTRUCTURE. <i> (AS TRUMP)</i>
"IT'S MY WAY, OR NO HIGHWAY." <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> >> Jon: THAT'S ABOUT RIGHT. THAT SUMS IT UP, YEAH. >> Stephen: TRUMP WAS FURIOUS
ABOUT THE DEMOCRATS' ONGOING EFFORTS TO BE CONGRESS, AND DREW
A LINE IN THE SAND. >> SO, I'VE SAID FROM THE
BEGINNING, RIGHT FROM THE BEGINNING, THAT YOU PROBABLY
CAN'T GO DOWN TWO TRACKS. YOU CAN GO DOWN THE
INVESTIGATION TRACK. AND YOU CAN GO DOWN THE
INVESTMENT TRACK OR THE TRACK OF "LET'S GET THINGS DONE FOR THE
AMERICAN PEOPLE." <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> <i> ( CHEERS )</i>
>> Stephen: OKAY, WE JUST COUNTED THREE TRACKS, AND IT
STILL WENT OFF THE RAILS. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
THE SOURCE OF TRUMP'S RAGE WAS PELOSI'S MEETING THIS MORNING,
AND GROWING CALLS TO REMOVE HIM FROM OFFICE. >> ALL OF A SUDDEN, I HEAR LAST
NIGHT, THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE A MEETING RIGHT BEFORE THIS
MEETING, TO TALK ABOUT THE "I" WORD. THE "I" WORD. CAN YOU IMAGINE? >> Stephen: I CAN. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
♪ ♪ ♪ I'M IMAGINING IT RIGHT NOW, AND
THAT'S-- <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
THAT'S WHY JIM'S SHOOTING ME FROM THE WAIST UP. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> <i> ( CHEERS )</i>
SOLID FAMILY SHOW. THEN TRUMP LET US KNOW THAT HE'S
DENYING CONGRESS' CONSTITUTIONAL POWERS FOR A NOBLE PURPOSE. IF SOME DAY A DEMOCRAT BECOMES
PRESIDENT, AND YOU HAVE A REPUBLICAN HOUSE, THEY CAN
IMPEACH HIM FOR ANY REASON-- OR HER-- ANY REASON. WE CAN'T ALLOW THAT TO HAPPEN. >> Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
"WE CAN'T HAVE A WORLD WHERE REPUBLICANS IMPEACH A DEMOCRAT
FOR SOMETHING EVERYONE DOES, LIKE LYING ABOUT CHEATING ON
YOUR WIFE. OR HER WIFE." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
THE PRESIDENT ALSO DEFENDED HIS SON, WHO HAS BEEN SUBPOENAED BY
THE SENATE. >> MY SON DON, WHO'S A GOOD
YOUNG MAN, WHO'S GONE THROUGH HELL. >> Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
"I MEAN, HE HAD ME AS A FATHER. THAT COULD NOT HAVE BEEN EASY. THAT IS-- THAT IS-- THAT'S A
ROUGH-- THAT'S A TOUGH ROAD TO HOE." >> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS. >> Stephen: THEN HE RAMBLED ON
ABOUT THE PHONE CALLS THAT DON JR. MADE AFTER THE MEETINGS WITH
RUSSIANS AT TRUMP TOWER. IT'S LONG BEEN SUSPECTED THAT
ONE OF THOSE WAS TO HIS FATHER, TO TELL HIM ABOUT THE RUSSIANS. BUT THAT'S ALL CLEARED UP NOW? >> THREE CALLS... AFTER MASSIVE STUDY AND WORK,
THEY ACTUALLY FOUND WHO MADE THE CALLS. ONE WAS A FRIEND OF OURS, A REAL
ESTATE DEVELOPER. GREAT GUY. MOST OF YOU KNOW HIM. NICE GUY. LOVES OUR COUNTRY. AND THE OTHER ONE WAS THE HEAD
OF NASCAR. TWO OF THEM. >> Stephen: TWO OF THEM. WHAT ABOUT THE THIRD CALL? <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( AS TRUMP )</i> "LOOK, I'VE BEEN ACCUSED OF
EATING THREE PIES, BUT I HAVEN'T EATEN ANY PIE. WANT PROOF? HERE'S TWO OF THE PIES. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
NOW, DOES ANYONE HAVE SOME FLOSS? BECAUSE I GOT A LOT OF RHUBARB
IN MY TEETH." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
BUT THIS SPEECH-- <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
"NEVER RUB ANOTHER MAN'S-- NEVER RUB ANOTHER MAN'S RHUBARB." BUT THIS SPEECH WAS UNUSUAL,
BECAUSE FOR ONCE, TRUMP ACTUALLY READ FROM HIS NOTES. >> I HAVE 19 SPECIAL COUNSEL
LAWYERS, 40 F.B.I. AGENTS. I SAID, "OPEN IT ALL UP! LET THEM HAVE WHATEVER THEY
WANT." NEARLY 500 SEARCH WARRANTS--
THINK OF THAT, A SEARCH WARRANT, DID YOU EVER SEE A SEARCH
WARRANT BEFORE? NEITHER DID I. >> Stephen: I HAVE A FEELING
YOU'RE GOING TO BE SEEING SOME MORE. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> TRUMP WAS READING OFF A
SO-CALLED "FACT SHEET" ABOUT THE MUELLER INVESTIGATION HIS TEAM
HANDED OUT TO THE CROWD. NOW, THEY GOT THIS FACT SHEET
FROM ABC NEWS. BUT HERE'S THE THING. THEY CONVENIENTLY LEFT OUT THE
SECOND PAGE, WHICH INCLUDED INFORMATION, LIKE SEVEN GUILTY
PLEAS, SIX TRUMP ASSOCIATES CHARGED, FOUR PEOPLE SENTENCED
TO PRISON... ♪ AND A CRIMINAL PRESIDENCY ♪<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> "
♪ THREE WEDDING RINGS ♪ USING ONLY HALF OF THAT GRAPHIC
IS LIKE WRITING A REVIEW AFTER WATCHING ONLY THE HALF OF
"TITANIC." ( AS REVIEWER )
"I ENJOYED THE BIG SHIP AND THE SEX IN THE CAR. I SMELL A SEQUEL." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
THEN IT WAS THE DEMOCRATS' TURN TO HAVE A PRESS CONFERENCE, AND
NANCY PELOSI CALLED TRUMP OUT FOR NOT HAVING WHAT IT TAKES TO
GET A DEAL DONE. >> WE HAD HOPED THAT WE COULD
GIVE THIS PRESIDENT AN OPPORTUNITY TO HAVE A SIGNATURE
INFRASTRUCTURE INITIATIVE TO CREATE JOBS, TO IMPROVE THE
QUALITY OF LIFE, TO JUST DO SO MUCH FOR OUR COUNTRY. FOR SOME REASON-- MAYYBE IT WAS
LACK OF CONFIDENCE ON HIS PART THAT HE REALLY COULDN'T COME--
MATCH THE GREATNESS OF THE CHALLENGE THAT WE HAVE. >> Jon: OOOOH! OOOH! >> Stephen: WOW. QUESTIONING HIS CONFIDENCE. "IT SEEMS PRESIDENT TRUMP
COULDN'T RISE TO THE CHALLENGE OF PUTTING UP LONG BRIDGES AND
DEEP TUNNELS. IT HAPPENS TO A LOT OF
PRESIDENTS HIS AGE." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
LATER IN THE DAY, PELOSI WAS AT A DIFFERENT EVENT AND SHE RAISED
THE STAKES. THIS IS WHY I THINK THE
PRESIDENT WAS SO STEAMED THIS MORNING. IN PLAIN SIGHT, IN THE PUBLIC
DOMAIN, THIS PRESIDENT IS OBSTRUCTING JUSTICE AND HE'S
ENGAGED IN A COVER-UP. AND THAT COULD BE AN IMPEACHABLE
OFFENSE. >> Stephen: WHAT? WHAT DID SHE SAY, AN IMPEACHABLE
OFSSS! JUST SAY IT, NANCY. STOP TEASING US. "HEY, KIDS, GET IN THE CAR! WE'RE GOING TO THE DISME OFSSS
STORE."
