- If you don't know what Staten Island is, it's like New York's abortion that lived. (audience laughs) Shitty place. Nah, there's good people everywhere, but like not in Staten Island, not at all. - [Announcer] Let's give it up for Pete Davidson. - Yay, what's up adults? How are you doing, are you good? I just dropped out of
college, anybody else? Yeah. I dropped out 'cause I was dorm-ing and I didn't like dorm-ing. That's it. I didn't speak to any of my roommates and I think it's 'cause
like the first morning, we all woke up with a boner. We were like, "This isn't for any of us." (audience laughs) One time we ran out of toilet paper and we just didn't get any. But everybody took a shit every day. And nobody knew what they used. It was like this don't
ask, don't tell policy that we had. One time my roommate
came out of the bathroom with one sock. I was like, "Fuck, we need
toilet paper, holy shit." This is getting real. I have no game with women 'cause I went to an all
boy Catholic school. Which is like an educational cock block. (audience laughs) It's not very fun. Here's something that should never happen in an all boys school, uh, don't get an erection. There's no excuse for that, at all. It just shouldn't happen
'cause there's priests there. And priests are like
sharks when you get a cut in the water. I got my priest to stop
hitting on me, though. It was easy. I introduced him to my little brother. I got an A. I'm a pot head, I'm pretty
sure you could tell. Yeah. I smoke weed 'cause the
commercials against it suck. Like the cigarette commercials
are good, they're good. The lady has no fingers. I'm like, "Nah, I need those." (audience laughs) "How am I gonna smoke
weed with no fingers?" (audience laughs) There's certain things I
can't do when I'm high. I figured this out recently. I can't play Call of Duty
'cause I'm afraid of dying. Soon as the game starts,
I just hide behind a rock. I'm like, "You guys go! "I'm gonna listen to these
fifth graders call me a homo "for the next 32 minutes." All my friends are black if you can't tell by my sneakers, Jordan's! You ever have a black guy
compliment your sneakers? You're like, "Oh wow, these must be cool." (audience laughs) If a white guy compliments my sneakers, I'm like, "I'm gonna throw
these out, these must, "what do I look like,
I have a kid coming?" I'm from Staten Island,
I'm sorry everybody. If you guys don't know
what Staten Island is, it's like New York's abortion that lived. Like it shouldn't. It's this awful place where dreams die and I'm from there. Like, the only good thing we have are women sex offenders,
I think that's awesome. It's actually why I still live there. If I turn on Fox News and the guy's like, "Woman rapes three kids
ages 13 to 17 in the woods," I'm like, "Mom, I'm going camping. "You got that Boy Scout
outfit from third grade?" "It won't fit you!" "That's the point." Yeah. Hi guys, are you good? - [Audience] Yeah! - I'm very depressed everybody. I am, I just turned 20, and it's over, it's done. I just moved out of my mom's house and I've realized something. I'm gonna fucking die,
I'm not gonna make it. I'm not, I thought about it. I'm 6'3, I'm 140 pounds. I have a problem with wind. My friends are like, "You wanna go out?" I'm like, "You gotta
check the forecast first. "You might lose a friend." When I used to live with my mom, I just thought she was annoying. I thought she was annoying
and she cock blocked my masturbation time, that's all. (audience laughs) 'Cause she was the room next door, so every time I would get it going, I would like hear her sneeze and it would throw off my timing. And I'm like, "I can't finish now. "Mommy's sick.
(audience laughs) "She might need these tissues." (audience laughs) I miss living at my mom's house. When I used to live in my mom's house, I used to be able to jerk off in my bed and then the next day it would be gone. Now I live on my own. It just stays there,
it's not going anywhere. It's not going anywhere til I move. I don't have the same
fears I do now though, jerking off by myself than
when I lived in my mom's house, 'cause I used to jerk
off in my mom's bathroom. 'Cause it smelled nice
and there was lotion. And I just realized now I was jerking off to my mom's scent, so that's
fucking great, anyway. (audience laughs) It just hit me. No but it was, my biggest fear, 'cause I used to jerk off
in her bathroom all the time and sometimes I would
finish on the toilet seat and my biggest fear is
that one day she would just sit on it and get pregnant. (audience laughs) Every day I would clean my bathroom. My mom had no idea what was going on. She was just like,
"You're such a good boy." And I'm like, "You have
no idea what I'm trying "to prevent right now."
(audience laughs) I had to move out, I had to
move out of my mom's house, it got really weird. She bought me condoms. And it's fine if you're a mom and you wanna buy you son condoms, there's just a way to do it. If you wanna get your son condoms, just get 'em and leave 'em in his room. Don't tell him, he'll find 'em. That's the way to do it. That's not what my mom did, my mom did something really weird. Right, it was really weird. I was still staying at
her house at the time and it was like 11:30 at
night and she just barged in. She didn't text, knock, just barged in. And she was just like, "Hey. "I got something for ya." And I was high, so I was
like, "What the fuck? "This is a little weird." And I sweat to God, I
turned on the lights, this is what she does, she has it, she had it behind her back
and she pulls out a 40 pack, and I swear to God this is
what she does, she goes, "I got every kind for my baby boy." And then she winked at me, and I was like, "You're giving the fucking
weirdest vibe I've ever seen "in my life, Mom. "I know you're single, I'm not the guy. "I think it's time to move
out, this is really weird." (audience laughs) And she got me the 40 pack! I wanted to be like, "Who
do you think your son is?" I didn't even get to use 'em, I just opened all of 'em and
left them around their house. So she would find them
and think I was cool. (audience laughs) I did, she found one the other day. She called me, she was like,
"I found another condom." Like yeah you did, that's your boy. I used to be a bully 'cause
I wanted to be a rapper in high school. I wanted to be a rapper and
my name would be VI Pete. It's kind of a dope, right? It's kind of good, it's
kind of a dope name, it's kind of a dope name. You can agree, it's a good name. But I always used to listen to hip-hop, never had friends, so
I used to just hang out and listen to hip-hop 'cause
it would be motivating and hip-hop makes you
feel good about yourself. But the weird thing would
be like my friends were all in their mid 30s, early 40s. So like they like a
different type of hip-hop. Like they love Biggie in
the way, I like Biggie too, but the way that--
(audience cheers) All right, relax.
(audience laughs) Yeah, he's not here, obviously. Yeah. I know, that was an
easy, but you threw it up and I fucking dunked it, so
fuck all of you, how's that? Anyway. No, but when my older
friends talk about Biggie, like they talk about
him like, they're like, "Ah, Notorious!" They feel it, they're like, "Ah this, "he would've been the best." They're like, "If he was alive today, "he would've been the best. "It's so sad that he died." And I always try to make them feel better 'cause I feel for them and I'm like, "It's probably better
that he died back then "than like now of like natural causes." (audience laughs) Yeah, it's better that he got
shot than it be like a burger that took Biggie down. Biggie died on Crenshaw, what happened? Burger, it was a burger. (woman laughs) My favorite rapper is
Coolio, I love Coolio. (audience cheers) Yeah, he's still alive. He's been alive forever and he's a cook, so you know he's healthy
and he's not going anywhere. He's a reliable guy to love. Like I never wake up
like, "Oh, what's happened "to Coolio?" you know what I mean? I know he's out there somewhere. Love fucking Coolio, he's the man. First time I ever heard "Gangsta's
Paradise" was in a movie. Yeah, right? Most of you probably know the
song from "Dangerous Minds." I wasn't alive when that was a thing. I know it from "Pain and Gain," the weightlifting Michael Bay movie. So, and I know the reason
why I love listening to "Gangsta's Paradise" is
there's no N-words in it. So I can sing it drunk
and not like fuck up. You know what I mean? It's like I can sing it
confidently all the way through no matter where I am,
I don't have to worry. I grew up in Staten Island
and when you grow up in Staten Island you're
just probably gonna be a construction worker that beats his wife. Like you know like that's, it's like the best you can do. So I would listen to "Gangsta's Paradise" and it would make, like
maybe I can get out of Staten Island. We'll do some 9/11 jokes and
then we'll get the fuck out of here, how does that sound? (Pete laughs) It's hard to transition into anything. I don't know if you've noticed
anything about my comedy, but there's not many transitions. It's very like, "Dick! Fuck! Dad!" Like it's like very straightforward, easy listening comedy. It's not the Kendrick Lamar,
I'm very French Montana of comedy.
(audience laughs) Like after every joke I
should just be like, "Ha ah!" And you'd be like, "Ah ha! "I get it." So yeah my dad, if you don't know, he was a fireman and he died in 9/11. He was a very good dude. And I have a lot of jokes about it. And if you don't like the first one, you probably won't like the rest. (audience laughs) What's cool about your
dad dying on 9/11 is I get all of his fireman gear. So whenever I smoke weed in
New York City, I wear it. (audience laughs) Yeah, so now people just
think I'm a shitty fireman. But I'll be so high, I'll forget. Like people come up to me and be like, "You're a fucking disgrace!" And I'll be like, "You're
a fucking disgrace!" And I'll be like, "Oh shit,
I'm a lieutenant, I forgot. "I'm very sorry, have a good day ma'am!" I didn't really care when my dad died, it didn't bother me very
much because I was seven. You don't understand
things when you're seven. If it happened now, I'd
be in a world of trouble, but I'm actually, it's weird to say this, I'm lucky it happened when I was seven. I know that sounds weird
but it's the real thing. Like I remember when my dad
died and my mom was like, "Your dad's dead, but we
got you a Playstation 2" and I was like, "Yeah, cool." I was like, "That seems about even. "That's pretty fair." No I'm serious, I really didn't care. I was like, "I'm gonna
push my mom down the stairs "and get a PS3." I was fucking ridiculous. It's my new life of murder and toys. (audience laughs) What's weird is my
grandma on my mom's side, my mom's mom, she, her birthday's on 9/11. And she never liked my dad. Kind of fishy, isn't it? (audience laughs) I always wanted to ask her,
I always wanted to be like, "Hey Grandma, on the low, "did you make any wishes?" (audience laughs) I wanna get a tattoo, I
wanna get my dad's initials. It's a very like Italian,
Staten Island thing to do. I feel like Italian people
are almost like waiting for someone in their family to die so they can go get a tattoo. I'm serious, you ever been
to like an Italian funeral or a wake and the son
of whoever died has like the prayer card going down their side. And you're like, "How the
fuck did you do that already?" And it's like healed. I wanna get my dad's initials. I wanna get it tattooed on me, I feel like it'll be very cool. But I found out recently I can't. I don't know why I never noticed it, I guess I just never pay attention. But my dad's initials are SMD. Yeah. That's why we named the special SMD. But SMD also has other
meanings like, for instance, suck my dick. That's the more popular
meaning believe it or not. So my friend's are like,
"You can't get that tattoo "because people will
think you're an asshole." And I agree, I'm like,
"You're right, I shouldn't." But then I thought about it I was like, "I should, I could only win." I was like, "If someone has
the balls to bring it up to me, "oh I win, like so fast." Like I will never lose, it's so dope. Think about that. I'll have it on my neck, fucking having a good
time, girls come up to me, and they're like, "You're a fucking pig." All I gotta do is be like, (whines) "Actually it's my dead dad's initials." And then they'll feel so bad
they'll probably suck my dick. (audience applauds)
Hey guys, you've been amazing, thank you! Thank you for coming
out, thank you very much! (audience cheers)
(upbeat music)
