- When I was in grade school I was bullied for being Asian American, and the biggest problem with that, is that I am not Asian American. (audience laughs) But when I was younger and
this is absolutely true, people thought that I
might be Asian American. I have pretty thin eyes. I had very thin eyes
when I was a little kid and I had straight black hair
that I wore in a bowl cut, and from the ages of three
to eight people thought that I might be a young Chinese person. (audience laughs) On the first day that he met me, the guy that is now my best friend, he met me the first day of kindergarten, he went home that night and said, "Papa, today I met a boy with no eyes." (audience laughs) And that was me. Kids would make fun of
me in middle School. Kids would call me a Chinaman, which of the racial slurs
has gotta be the laziest. That is just pushing two words together. No work was done there. (audience laughs) It was very confusing to
me 'cause I'm not Chinese. No one in my family is remotely Asian. I mean, we take our shoes
off when we come inside but that was more of a carpeting
thing than anything else. (audience laughs) Here's how bad it got though. I remember when I was
in junior high we had this music appreciation class
that we never appreciated. And they took us to hear
some classical music once at a symphony orchestra. So we go to a symphony orchestra. In one of these classical pieces, there's a moment where they bang a gong and every time they banged the gong, all the kids sitting in
front of me would stand up, turn to me and bow like that. (audience laughs)
(audience applauding) Which is some racist ass bullshit, but also incredibly well coordinated, for a group of 13 year olds. 13 year olds are the
meanest people in the world. (audience laughs) They terrify me to this day. If I'm on the street on like a Friday at three p.m. and I see a group of eighth graders on
one side of the street, I will cross to the
other side of the street because eighth graders will make fun of you but in an accurate way. They will get to the thing
that you don't like about you. (audience laughs) They don't even need to
look at you for long. They'll just be like, "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. "Hey look at that high waisted man. "He got feminine hips." And I'm like no, that's the
thing I'm sensitive about! (audience laughs)
(audience applauding) When I was a boy I was also confused with a woman sometimes over the phone because before I went through puberty I had a voice like a little flute. (audience laughs) I was once on the telephone
with Blockbuster Video which is a very old fashioned sentence. (audience laughs) It is. I was on the telephone
with Blockbuster Video. That's like when your
grandma would be like, "We'd all go play jacks
down at the soda fountain." You're like no one knows what you're talking about you idiot. (audience laughs)
(audience applauding) You know how you talk to your grandma? So-- (audience laughs) I was on the phone with Blockbuster. I'd called them a couple
of times in one day to ask about a movie and
I called for a third time. I said, hey yeah. I was just callin' to see if you had "Addams Family Values" yet? And the guy at Blockbuster went, "Hey lady? "I'll tell ya when we get
"Addams Family Values." But look, I wasn't offended as a boy being confused with a lady. I was offended as a lady who
was gettin' pushed around by this chauvinist asshole that works at Blockbuster Video talkin'
to me like I'm some floozy. I am a proud Asian American woman, and you will treat me with respect. (audience laughs)
(audience applauding) I am a tiger mom. (audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
