pride and prejudice but everything is explained by john mulaney

i paid a hundred and twenty thousand dollars for someone to tell me to go read jane austen and then i didn't no work was done there there's no single guys left in manhattan and i'm like i know someone who's new in town what are three other things about him the rich of the painted peacocks is all mr vince hey look at that man and the person with the quizzical brow that's miserable whoa that tall child looks terrible she's watching me walk kind of scanning me up and down as if she had terminator vision where she could see little bits of data like little honky ass and may i introduce mr darcy no one look at me or i'll kill myself and on the far side of the ballroom under a spotlight it was him but he was surrounded by reporters and photographers and secret service so what are you gonna do well if you're my mom you ball up the back of my sport coat and you push me forward like a human shield and then you start jogging while yelling you dance mr garcia like no no no sister you're not getting me to know secondary location but her sister elizabeth is very agreeable fairly tolerable i dare say he's not handsome enough to tempt me okay say lovey [ __ ] what dancing even if one's partner is barely tolerable do not [ __ ] with me certainly not okay you could pour soup in my lap and i'll probably apologize to you now she'll have to stay the night exactly as i predicted good grief incredibly well coordinated good lord miss elizabeth you are brave when i walk down the street i need everybody all day long to like me so much here's my plan you and me get very dressed up including hats and then we wave handkerchiefs at it till it disappears over the horizon see i am a proud i'm no longer surprised that you're knowing only six accomplished women i rather wander out you're knowing any pointing this out to him confuses and upsets him should certainly be a fearsome thing to behold [Laughter] that's my wife what a shame for ideally love to laugh a family trait i think then we were like we know but hey mr bingley is it true that you have promised to hold a ball here at netherfield a bull um ah wow that's a really good idea when your sister is recovered you shall name the day mary brought up a new separate but interesting point which was i think a ball is a perfectly irrational way to gain new acquaintance now we don't have time to unpack all of that hi knock knock sorry that's how i walk into rooms what a superbly featured room and what excellent boiled potatoes many years since i've had such an exemplary vegetable i think about that every goddamn day it's wrong to make fun of people you know but it's so fun sometimes these are the kind of little delicate compliments which are always acceptable to the ladies in which i conceive myself particularly bound to pay oh believe me no one would suspect your manners to be rehearsed now i've thrown him off his rhythm the eldest miss bennet is very soon to be engaged engaged goodbye excuse me i'm new in town and it gets worse it's like jesus christ what were you doing the eagles together what is the animosity about it but dusty ignored his wishes and gave the living to another man but why and i said jealousy you know like a liar they tricked me they tricked me like oh [ __ ] i gotta wear all those layers we gotta think of some weird slow activities to fill the day and they did to remain close to you throughout the evening why do you do this may i have the next dance miss elizabeth we're so excited to see you too perhaps by and by i may observe that private rules are much pleasanter than public ones ed are you going to talk the entire time i'd solicit a private audience with miss elizabeth in the course of the morning fell deadly silent is what they all did certainly lizzy will be very happy indeed no no no no all right proceed oh forget about that poor son of a [ __ ] anyway ah none of us really know our fathers anyway that it is at the urging of my esteemed patronus lady catherine that i select a wife oh that's what i thought you'd say you dumb [ __ ] horse mr collins so i must conclude that you simply seek to increase my love by suspense mr collins has proposed to lizzy but she vow she will not have him doesn't anyone want to know why sometimes people would say uh what do you think you're doing but that just meant stop your mother will never see you again if you do not marry mr collins and i will never see you again if you do the other shoe just dropped i was just shiny and dumb and easy to trick is that not clear enough mr collins and i are engaged now strange the passage of time like old old old money and we were just eating triscuits in silence and i was staring at the floor and i was like well here goes nothing i think it would be very hard on younger sisters not to have their share of amusement because the elder is still unmarried it would hardly encourage sisterly affection and i don't care for that [ __ ] at all i do not have the talent of conversing easily with people i have never met you're gonna have to get used to that like i'll keep all my emotions right here and then one day i'll die it was such a weird interaction that i wasn't sure if it actually happened there were apparently strong objections to the lady i think it was a family that was considered unsuitable jesus christ it had been raining everything i'm about to say to you was said in front of me on that afternoon mr elizabeth i have struggled in vain and i can bear it no life go ahead i love you please do me the honor of accepting my hand first off no i was offended as a lady who was getting pushed around by this chauvinist ass ever walking through the park with your betrothed then it starts to rain but you still want to hold hands or may i introduce you too and my condolences again to everyone the gazebo i try to stay a little optimistic even though i will admit things are getting pretty sticky lydia's been invited to go to brighton with the fosters and my mom said yes then my dad said let's change the subject but i have had a very long day and i have no money so you can imagine the kind of stress that i am under what are men compared to rocks and mountains now that's the thing i'm sensitive about like hey where's mr darcy and the zoo guy is like oh he must be in the inside part the inside part tell him we're here this is the height of luxury and i was like oh okay i go i'm not gonna do it but i totally get it scatter you don't mind delaying our journey another day do you he particularly wants you to meet his sister i didn't know he knew how to do that think about that for two minutes and tell me you don't want to walk into the ocean lydia has run away with mr wickham a very upsetting thing to hear yes my mom was like hell yes and then they said how did they phrase it then they said give us some money as a gift we want a gift but only if it's money how'd i come and stay with you not unless everyone gets real cool about a bunch of stuff really quickly and now you have the audacity to ask me for more money what kind of a cokehead relative you spent it already i gave you more money than the civil war cost and you [ __ ] spent it already mr darcy i said say more right now mr darcy was at your wedding he was the one that discovered us he paid for the wedding wickham's commission everything i like to lean in and go stop snitching [ __ ] and then walk on we all ran in different directions it was like that scene in rat tattooing when the humans come in the kitchen and all the rats go in different ways we all ran in different directions have a nice day and also you having one i'm just i must tell you i've been the most unmitigated and comprehensive ass like yeah you got it man you're like everyone get out of my way has it not been industriously circulated by yourself i have never heard you're talking about you idiot get your sleeping bag and get out of my house take your epipen take your goddamn epi pen and get out of my house i'll just go to bed in a smock why don't you give me a candle for looking in the mirror and i'll tremble off to bed in my long victorian nightgown yeah i love you i never wish to be parted from you from this day on fine you know

Channel: vaticancameos221bbc

Views: 364,598

Rating: 4.9802756 out of 5

Keywords: pride and prejudice crack, pride crack, edit, john mulaney, funny, pride and prejudice, scatter, pride, prejudice, crack, john mulaney funny, crack video, special

Id: eU_Gh0LIG64

Length: 10min 57sec (657 seconds)

Published: Fri Mar 26 2021

Reddit Comments

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