Skinhead interview-Donny

all right donny yes sir donnie which grew up where are you from originally i'm originally from the inland empire of california like san bernardino san bernardino county yes sir ontario and tell me about your family growing up you had both your parents um my parents were never there my mom was a drug addict my dad was a drug addict and he was always in prison all my life and my mom was neglectful to say the least you know um always not not being the mother that i needed really how would you describe your childhood in general um a lot of a lot of lonely times a lot of um feeling the need for you know that parental love that a child needs you know and uh i just longing for it it turned me to the streets you know and uh it led to you know criming drug addiction um pretty much following right in my father's footsteps and didn't even really know it did you join a gang i did i became i became an ontario skinhead when i was about 17 and it didn't take long before that led me to prison you know only because my self-destructive ways were you know it was a thing like surrounded by just hatred for you know people you don't know and really you just don't understand and when you're white and weak in very i come from you get preyed upon by other races and i'm not saying that they're bad it's just you we kind of we needed we needed camaraderie and i guess that's what i was really really looking for and that's what i found in san bernardino county with my comrades you know i regret a lot of life choices you know like prison [Music] it led me to a police chase in 2010 i led police on a pursuit and it ended in ontario with me crashing into a civilian car and it left me in critical condition and i hurt the people that i hit really bad and i was sentenced to eight years and four months in prison for this and in turn though i suffered greatly i broke my kneecaps i lacerated my liver and smashed my gallbladder um a number of very horrible injuries and you know are you in a wheelchair because of that yes permanently well i mean i i should have gotten better care but when you're in the prison system medical is kind of neglected also you don't get the proper care that you need to get so my bones kind of set and a surgeon told me that they would have to re-break my ankle and set it again just to even attempt to fix the damage that i did you know and um you know with my drug addiction on top of that it needless to say i've i'm haven't been handling you know my business like i should have like you know what is your drug my drug of choice is fentanyl to this day uh but before that i struggled with heroin for 15 years and before that i from 13 i just tried crystal meth ultimately led to heroin at 22 all the way through my 20s to 33 now and currently it's fentanyl that i'm struggling with today and what happened to the people that you hit in that accident um they suffered some serious injuries um broke broke their shoulder because i t-boned the car broke their shoulder and three fingers were broken one so severely that it had to be surgically taken off and you know i felt horrible about that i never wanted to i never ever wanted to hurt a civilian i wasn't i wasn't really trying to hurt anybody but due to my poor choices and just just childlike behavior i i hurt an innocent person really bad and i regret it to this day you know i was in critical condition flat lining on the table but all in all i look at it like these people were probably just on their way to the grocery store and here i come ruining their day with cops behind me and in a stolen car it was just it was a very bad scene and it's kind of humbled me to this day more than their day yeah yeah more than just their day was ruined i think yeah of course you know i ruined a lot more than their day absolutely i've ruined a good portion of their you know of their life you know like that they should have been relaxing in and you know i i just bombarded them with my you know felonious activities you sound like you've kind of you feel remorse over it all i mean did prison give you time to do that absolutely absolutely you know i had once i once i got put in the chair like this that was my time to reflect and that's that was my real prison what was was the chair more powerful to yes than the prison time yes yes being in the chair today has actually made me a better person today i'm i can honestly say i'm humbled i'm open to i'm willing to engage with you know people of other races now like you know to like hear their stories you just even just get to know someone whereas i didn't give anybody the chance before i can honestly say i probably consider myself a bad person before this accident it kind of opened my eyes in a lot of ways yeah your demeanor seems very compassionate and understanding right now i wonder were you like this before the accident before the prison time no no i am you know i didn't have i mean i know it sound it's gonna sound bad but i mean i guess maybe i didn't have any respect for human life i didn't i had no regard for you know another person's safety due to my actions and [Music] when that happened i woke up in the hospital and like oh my god i couldn't even explain to you how how that felt it felt like being hit by a train and i couldn't roll over under my own power the nurses had to come roll me over my legs were broken so severely i didn't even know if i was paralyzed yet and then all in all i'm thinking oh my god did i kill this person that i hit because when you're when you're incarcerated like that when they take you they put you under a false name for security reasons and so that means that you have no contact with like they're they weren't telling me nothing i wasn't allowed to read the paper i was not nothing so i was left there wondering if i even killed the person that i hit wondering if i even had a chance at seeing the light of day again and really ultimately not even being worried you know i mean of course i was worried about my freedom but it it it bothered me that i didn't understand why i was so concerned about if i had done that to somebody i didn't even know at the time you know but quickly i realized like like dude i never filtered in that i was gonna hurt somebody or that i was okay well let me put that different i did take into consideration that i could possibly crash into somebody but the sad thing is i had no respect for my life either at the time i never considered living through the crash not that i was not that i was like suicidal or anything i just um i just expected that was that was it you know and when it wasn't i was left with with a rude awakening after i woke up out of my coma after two weeks you know i woke up started coming out of my delirious state and realizing oh wow i'm in a hospital i'm shackled to the bed i can't feel my legs and then ultimately pieces are coming back to me remembering what i did and yeah i definitely have i'm i'm remorseful every day for what i did and i truly hope that the people i hit could you know honestly forgive me in their heart one day you know if they i'm if they haven't already you know i mean i'm if you know i got to actually see the person that i hit in my sentencing and they give the person a chance to speak and right when they right when they did the lady looked over towards me and all like i was shackled at my waist like this and my eyes were black my lip was ripped open stitches but all i did was look over and like i mouthed i'm so sorry i hit you you know like with tears in my eyes cause i i i felt horrible when i when i seen her come in the courtroom and it was like i could put a face to what i'd done you know because i hit a civilian driver so i had no idea who was in the car yeah to me that would have been the most transformative part of your story right you know i just know that you heard an innocent person out there yeah and that's something i never wanted to do you know i've never been about you know that's um that's one thing that actually you know attracted me with the skinhead movement is a lot of people think it's surrounded by hate and it's really not it's about like we're about raising your fam you know raising your kids um you know uh preserving the quality of your people like a lot of good things that are not surrounded by racism so much as people make it sound you know it's just nowadays nowadays the hate just comes from so many people you're when you're a different ethnicity you're you're different that's all it's not i don't hate you because you're different i'm just interested in my european lineage my um my caucasian roots my you know what i mean but having nothing to hate about another individual and that's another thing i educated myself in prison i you know on other people's cultures on their ways on their traditions on their foods like you know like i actually found myself fascinated by like i wanted to actually know like about you know like i didn't see anything wrong with giving yourself knowledge of another person's beliefs their traditions their ways i didn't i didn't see anything wrong with that and you know like ultimately the chair is what what has allowed me to do all that it made me a better person ultimately in my heart and i really feel that it just sucks that it took such tragic events for me to see that you know what what do you think put you on this path that you were so destructive self-destructive before your accident before the car chase in prison honestly man i just felt i don't know if this makes sense but have could you be in a room with a thousand people that know you even and still feel just utterly alone like i don't know if that makes sense to you but like i just like i had certain figures in my life but not what i felt i needed i wanted i don't know i guess i wanted a mom and dad i wanted the things that like i seen other kids have when i was in school or you know their parents come to these things like a you know school events um you see on tv loving families and all these things and when you come from a broken home i mean that's one of the first things that get neglected is the like the love and affection that that a child ultimately needs you know like and [Music] i guess i see it now that a person is going to find it if you're not if you're not getting your love at home eventually it's going to move out to the street and it's going to be with your peers it's going to be with you know who you spend your time with every day it's going to be who you get to know if you don't if i don't know i guess i could say like if you don't curb the problem ahead of time you could turn into a life like mine that's why i'm actively in my son's life today and i love my son he's seven and i'm very much a part of his life and he's top of his class he's very articulate for his age he uses big words that i even catch myself like where did you learn that and he'll look and thank you like from you dad and i'll give him five and i'll be like oh you did didn't you you know like the chairs allowed me to ultimately i guess wow ultimately become like the father that i always wanted you know like i have my my past and i have my mistakes but i'm there every day you know what i mean i love him i'm i'm actively there i give him i make sure that he never feels the way i did do you feel like you were loved as a child [Music] not as much as i'd wanted you know not as much as i wanted it sounds like that might have been the core of the problem i could say that yeah it's kind of why i don't speak to my mother and father today not that there's any bad blood necessarily it's just i mean no no big deal or no i just got nothing to say you know like i mean it's great that they got their lives together now you know i i i think that's great it would have been nice when i you know you know they're there for my sister and you know she's five years younger than me so like i mean she got to experience the you know which i i don't i'm not you know resentful for that or spiteful for that i just like like damn like you know i wish you would wish you would have tightened the reins on yourself a little bit sooner you know what i mean like maybe i don't know maybe maybe things would have been different in a better light maybe or maybe you know i took full responsibility for what i did and what i've always done ultimately because i feel that i did it i was in the stolen car that i was driving it was my decision to take them on the chase it was all my fault what happened to me so i decided i wasn't gonna be angry about it i wasn't gonna cry about it i wasn't gonna make other people feel pity for me like i was just gonna man up and i was just gonna get through and get on with my life and that's what i've attempted to do to this day what do you worry about what are you afraid of at this point you're like i worry about my son turning into who i used to be and then following in the same cycle that i did do you see any signs of that with him no no i in no way uh i in no way like uh portray my upbringing the way i was raised uh on with him you know i i i teach him that pretty much the exact opposite of that like i'm not going to say that i feel the skinhead movement part is a bad thing because that's not the part that i'm regretting the part that i regret is not allowing myself to see the beautiful side of another race another person which you know i've gotten to see i've gotten to see the good side and the bad so yeah i guess my worst fear is him turning into me yeah but you're doing things to prevent that now i mean i'm trying my all right no i can't even i can't i'm not trying my best but i am [Music] i am i make cause very conscious decisions about everything i do everything i say around him every you know every every example i lead you know and i think i am on the right track because i mean he says please he says thank you he says excuse me this is all seven years old you know and he's been doing this for quite a few years now you know i've i've instilled in him the the things that my grandmother is the reason my grandmother my grandfather the reason that i am even half a man or you know individual like i am today like you knows because of them that i can speak well when the time permits or you know just have to the common decency or common sense to say excuse me if i uh burped in public or you know something just like um something that i guess you would say like a the charming etiquette thing to do would be like you know you know you say excuse me like like oh shoot like you know just little things like that i make sure that i want i want his i want his mind to always be open to like there's no reason you have to hate somebody like that you know and [Music] i i don't know you know i guess i mean yeah i feel what i'm doing is like i'm on the right path you know now if i could i know what my problems are if i could get a hold of my drug addiction i know my life would be beautiful i just i thought i'd found true happiness with my son's mom and seven years in she changes her mind so to speak and left me for another man and you know that kind of left me i was horrible you know like so now i sit you know on the single father side of it now and still struggling myself now to find like i thought that was my i thought we were supposed to be together forever like i thought that's who you know like i found my soul mate and you know like i was happy and but ultimately like people get stale in their relationships i guess and i think that's what happened i lost sight of like i we turned into different people and i don't know if that was for good or for the bad but i mean it's definitely shaping life's experiences today you know like it's gonna only time will tell now i'm not looking for a relationship but i mean if somebody comes along like i'm not afraid of it like i would embrace it but you know like i was just left with that lonely feeling again you know like and it was like all like all over again but in a different sense if that makes any sense at all you know like that that dark empty feeling of loneliness came back and that's why i'm on the streets of l.a and you know smoking my sorrows away and fentanyl and trying to figure it all out again you're living on the streets now yeah yeah are you in a tent or no not at the moment no just wake up yeah just kind of suck it up and you know just get through the night how do you support yourself um i mean honestly i panhandle right now you know ask people for spare change you know it's not because i'm a lazy person or anything it's just the damage i did to myself is um so substantial that i've it's like the humbling thing i said like i've been able to humble myself to ask another individual for change other than my old my old ways before my accident i you know would i wouldn't even worry about doing harm to a person to take their wallet or something like that you know that's a that's a horrible way to think that's a horrible way to be so i thought i was making the right decision just humbling myself to panhandle i guess right but that's anyway that's how i support myself right now a panhandle from day to day and how's your emotional state today you know it's rocky man i have my uh i have my like i have okay days most of the days you know it's more or less like i guess i just put on a little mask and like uh i can smile through what i'm really going through i guess but i mean the smile is a facade you know it's it's just for show like i'm i'm not happy i'm not happy at all you know i do love my life but i'm not happy with it maybe i just have to learn [Music] to really really be comfortable with me and everything about me you know like like if i can't be comfortable with myself then how could i expect somebody else to i guess you know yeah tell me about the face tattoos when were those done uh they started about two years into my term um see like when you're 22 and you get sentenced to eight years that literally feels like the rest of your life even though it's not you know when i when i got through the end of it i was like whoa it's already like wow five years has gone by and i couldn't believe it but when i started doing that i didn't i didn't see myself going home i thought that i thought that that was going to be my future and [Music] i i do regret them in a sense like you know i do love tattoos it's not that um i just regret where i got them you know the quality of how they're done um and i guess people tell me i have a scary demeanor until i speak and i didn't get that for a long time like because i always feel like like i'm one of the coolest dudes you'll ever meet i'm i'm laid back i'm you know i've been told i'm funny trump whatever you want however you know i've been told good things about myself from other people whether i saw those good things in myself or not you know that's what i've been told you know and like i had somebody tell me one time like it's not that you look stupid or anything i was just like what i just don't look smart and they laughed and they were like well yeah and they said because a normal person doesn't do that to their face and i was like right i mean i don't know what could i say at that point because that's that's a true statement you know like when if you put me in a room with 20 even 30 random people i'd be willing to bet money on it that i have the most tattooed face in the room and that kind of makes me uh extra noticeable in good ways and bad do you get judged just absolutely absolutely constantly where where i could just be saying good morning to a stranger as i'm passing them you know and i only say it because maybe i'm rolling past them and i'm a little i'm probably overthinking it but i'm a little close for their comfort maybe so i just you know good morning and but i just get this look like like like turn your nose down at me type of look like like this thing you know and i i get it but i don't get it you know what i mean because like i looked at it like wow i mean even if i look like this right i mean i feel i've made a lot of positive changes over the years so i mean am i always gonna have a bad stigma for like the tattoos on my face or are people gonna like let their guard down for lack of a better word and you know accept that like hey people change all the time i could change too the only thing that can't change is the permanent ink that i've put under my skin that's all you know my heart's in a different place now like even if i still look the same yeah you see you seem like a reformed person it's a shame the tattoos kind of drag you back into the past life you had i think that's a fair assessment you know i i i'd agree with that very much very much you know sometimes my tattoos get glorified by people like like like oh that's so cool like not even having anything to do with the prison [Music] sentence but 95 98 of the time i mean they're socially acceptable now more than ever but they weren't always i mean if somebody had even the smallest tattoo on their face that was uh that was a convict thing that was a prison thing and you know that's what people always associated it with so i mean even if i could be a tattoo artist fully reformed today and i'm still gonna have people look at me like a convict that wants to snatch their purse or do them harm harm to people they love and that's not the case but i mean people are going to be people i guess johnny what would you say is the most important lesson you've learned in all of this the most important lesson i've learned out of this is that there's more out of life than just getting high and trying to curb the pain like i guess i believe now that if we all could just bring ourselves to man up for lack of a better word and face the issues at hand there wouldn't really be issues anymore and you could move on and [Music] continue on with your life and not have these again for lack of a better traumatic experiences that you fall back on to you know like things that set off a traumatic experience or like uh i don't know somebody's parents fighting all the time in their broken dishes so you're old lady drops a glass and that could trigger something and remind somebody of something like that um i believe now that if i would have given myself if i would have loved myself enough to give myself the real fighting chance at life that i that i deserved that i should have given myself my life would have turned out great like to this day i want to go to the la school of music i would love to you know i love music i you know want to be a professional beat maker i make beats in my spare time i uh you know i'm working on you know getting a personal business off the ground like i'm you know actually trying to do something of substance today and [Music] i want to have something to leave my son and at least when i go let him see like hey no matter daddy's past or anything you may hear that's damaging to my reputation as dad at least he'll know like one of the last things that i was trying to do was something to ultimately leave to him you know i wanted to i wanted him to see the aid you know dad wasn't out just screwing up like some of my family members put in his ear i don't agree with it i don't think it's right you know i i would never bad mouth them to my son the way they do me and that's a frustrating thing because he'll tell you himself that i'm a great dad and i'm his best friend and that means something to me all right donnie thank you so much for sharing your story yes sir thank you for letting me speak um i actually feel really good about getting that out i haven't i haven't spoke that freely about myself in a long time excellent i wish you the best of luck thank you very much sir i appreciate you thank you you

Channel: Soft White Underbelly

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Id: Ma-XJc_CqPI

Length: 34min 36sec (2076 seconds)

Published: Thu Feb 24 2022