Dad introduced me to his mistress and her kids but he is still married to my mother

i am a female in my mid-20s originally from california wrapping up a summer internship on the east coast having the time of my life i planned on having one last adventure in the city during my last weekend before returning home this saturday until my dad decided to fly me out halfway across the country to visit him where he works back story my parents who've been married for just over 30 years are hard working individuals and have raised us well much of the credit towards achieving the american dream goes to my mom for flying halfway across the world away from their native country to land a job in the u.s where my dad and two older siblings who were toddlers at the time eventually joined after years of working up the corporate ladder we've been living a comfortable upper middle class lifestyle in california everything looks fine on the outside i'm the youngest of three and am extremely close to my dad primarily because my mom although very loving has the tendency to nag and micromanage like crazy a side of her my dad says caused them to grow apart over the years because of this he was quick to accept a job offer out of state six years ago a couple years before this my mom suspected him of infidelity when she saw him frantically closing out tabs on the computer when entering their bedroom to the point of locking the door and demanding he fessed up to which he adamantly denied since then they've continued as normal there was an incident in 2010 when my sister was in vegas and dad was in phoenix on business until she saw him strolling along at caesar's palace with a younger and older woman presumably the mother when she confronted him about it a week later he vehemently denied anything was going on and that the woman was just a friend slash co-worker since moving out of state for work his weekend visits became so sparse to the point where he barely comes every month usually on saturdays and leaves early sunday mornings mom is under the impression this is all temporary and he'll be back permanently in due time despite recently accepting another job offer in a different state much further away in the middle of the country he admitted to me that he is much happier with his freedom never having to report to her what time he's coming home what he's up to etc and that he no longer loves my mom she waits on him hand and foot when he actually is around while he treats her as a roommate my siblings and i suspect him of dating other women having second families with them because he was never short on excuses of why we couldn't just fly up and visit him why he couldn't make it to my older sister's wedding etc meanwhile my gut feeling all these years have painted to him having affairs but hoping he had stopped while i maintained distance from involvement i tend to give him the benefit of the doubt because of how close we are but this weekend took the cake i assumed i would fly out to where he resides for work anticipating a weekend of bonding time and sightseeing when we met at the airport he said we're going to meet some friends of mine but don't judge my stomach dropped don't judge i joked with my fiancee days ago about this but assumed he wouldn't pull such a heavy stunt but there we were driving to the other woman's house i met someone and we'll be staying with her she has three kids two of which are teenagers what the crap i couldn't stomach this cluster duck and to top it off i knew i was going to be forced into being social with the family of strangers i don't even approve of i flew into bum duck egypt for this after the awkward introduction we all went out to lunch in the city where there was continued awkwardness on the way there with forced dialogue is a throwaway though why are you so quiet it made me sick hearing this other woman say stuff like baby do you need cash for parking are you okay honey while walking to the restaurant my dad had the nerve to tell me to hold the ten-year-old girl's hand while we crossed the street i pretended not to hear him but he kept insisting duck that because who are these damn people i was even more annoyed when we were alone at one point and he told me to talk more so they get used to it no thanks i refuse to play the big sister role to a bunch of strangers whose existence i just discovered an hour prior and act as if i condone your behavior we walked to a nearby historical monument where i was forced to take pictures with his family smile is a throwaway i found it weird the way he interacted with the kids like he was trying too hard to tolerate them as a way of getting close to their mother the little girl was trying to point something out at the monument but my dad kept brushing her off with oh okay okay nice just to shut her up when my dad got up to use the restroom i asked how they met online he was just so funny and we facetimed before meeting it felt so ducked up hearing this lady gushing over my dad who by the way was no longer wearing his wedding ring we went back to the house with the intent to rest before dinner and i was told i'd be staying in the little girl's room thinking i'd finally have a private moment to myself i walked in only to see that the girl wasn't going to leave she sat in a chair in the corner playing games on a phone while i was expected to nap rest in her presence i stepped outside to have a panicked phone call with my fiance about all the awkwardness before mustering up the courage to talk to my dad when i came back inside i heard my dad call my name and followed his voice down the hallway only to enter the bedroom of the other woman where i saw them lying beside one another is everything okay take a nap before we go out to dinner yeah no dad can i have a word with you real quick i took him outside and told him how shocked i was being brought out here to encounter something i so strongly disapprove of and his only reactions were to nod tell me he understands and say okay we'll leave early tomorrow morning then before the flight home he went back to the room to nap and i felt like i was brushed off i needed an exit plan quick and neither lyft nor uber operated in this city duck i managed to find a cheap hotel deal for one night close to the airport and a taxi app hoping the cab came quickly enough for me to sneak out just as it pulled up to the house i grabbed my stuff tiptoed to the front door thinking i was clear and heard the lady from the kitchen say is everything okay yeah this was great but i gotta go i sit in the back of the cab and just as i was about to pull up to the address to the hotel the cab driver told me to look up and i see my dad eyes bloodshot stifling tears what are you doing why are you leaving when i told him the situation made me uncomfortable to the point of getting a hotel room he apologized to the cab driver and paid him cash insisting he would take me instead when we had a moment in the driveway i echoed my previous sentiments of not wanting to be culpable in this mess yeah we should have gotten you a hotel room in the first place uh no you should have never brought me out here ever i knew you'd be shocked but i was hoping you'd understand what the duck he was extremely apologetic on the drive to the hotel saying he ruined my weekend after he walked me to my room we had a serious talk and i told him he needs to fix this before crap really hits the fan i insisted they continue with their dinner reservations without me and he told me that it was for me and that they would no longer be going he ended the conversation with it would make me really happy to see you and have dinner with you tonight it's up to you text me regardless of what you choose come 7pm i was torn between even seeing him again or going across the street to tgi fridays for buffalo wings but i wanted to give him another chance i told him i would like to have dinner with you if and only if it is only you and me assuming he'd pick me up for a father-daughter dinner date he said i will bring you noodle stir-fry honey i chilled in my hotel room waiting and waiting and telling my two older siblings about this ordeal who were concerned with my safety and well-being after about two hours i told him not to come by anymore and that i'd take care of myself but i have food for you do you want me to bring it cancel your order okay fine feeling guilty of rejecting him i waited another hour 10 15 p.m and he finally came by with what looked to be leftovers or takeout i was angry at myself for being so forgiving when i was merely an afterthought while he was out treating his other family the following morning when he dropped me off to the airport he said i'm sorry this trip did not meet your expectations well no crap you dropped a huge bee on me here's the problem my mom has no idea any of this is going on i fly back home in california this saturday my dad plans on flying in too i was under the impression this would be the weekend he'd fess up but he volunteered to help my older brother and his wife and baby move into their new apartment my guess is he plans on coming clean to the family later in the weekend if at all my older siblings want to break the news to my mom either friday or saturday likely before i arrive since my flight lands later afternoon i'm grappling between even telling her because i'm trying to keep my distance from their marriage but i feel it became my business from having involuntarily witnessed evidence of the affair first hand the fact that my mom can be a highly volatile person and my potential absence to help her handle this as a family makes me uneasy and almost not looking forward to coming home on top of all this i begin school next monday so the worst is still yet to come because my mom's reaction will be scary our rationale is that it would be better to brief mom on this to not only save ourselves from potential backlash if you knew why didn't you tell me but so that she doesn't feel completely alone in all of this if they knew and didn't tell me who else could i trust my siblings have villainized the other woman but i can't help but feel horrible for her she thinks she is dating an honest man who is divorced and good to her children and seem excited to finally meet me because my dad often boasts about me i can't rid myself of the guilt plus feeling like i betrayed my dad's trust despite him betraying the trust of the entire family i'm really sorry this was long but i'm panicked and i need insight what is the best way to approach this while minimizing damage what i really fear is my mom's volatility and her taking it out on us especially me having been a witness and not telling her immediately update my mom quit her high paying job to invest herself in a business while i was away for the summer even before this my dad has always been in charge of most of the finances while my mom has been stashing away in savings he pays the cars mortgage etc older sisters spoke to dad a couple days ago and his words were you know how your mom will react she will never disrespect me i will stop paying the mortgage the cars the phone bill and if you say something i will disowned you and never come back as if that's any different than what's going on now before telling her i already hate that this is being stalled we are going to seek legal advice in order to protect my mom the best way possible in the heat of the moment it's easy to want to spill the beans but that will result in very dire financial consequences for mom i discovered my husband was cheating on me with a college student the two months following have been absolute hell my husband cheated during the lowest point of our lives when after four rounds of ivf he had thrown up his hands and said that we had to accept that i would never be able to give us kids he started getting distant after that and i felt like i had failed as a woman that i had waited too long that now i had this great career and knowledge about the world but no baby to share it with my husband ended up hiring his mistress to do freelance work for his company he helped her pay rent footed tuition and had her in his hotel room whenever he traveled when i found out about it i gave him an ultimatum and told him that i'd only consider staying if he ended it right then and there so he did we had very painful talks where he said that he felt like one of the greatest dreams of his life had been crushed when he realized he couldn't conceive with me and that it made him regret a lot of his life but that he couldn't see himself adopting he also said that he no longer felt attracted to me because i acted like his mother and his boss that his mistress made himself and his career feel important where i was obsessed with mine we worked out feelings we have done date nights we initiated an open phones policy and one about him checking in during business trips i thought things were getting better and we were on the road to some semblance of a marriage however around two weeks ago he started acting strange again became irritable and distant i feared the worst so i started keeping a closer eye on his whereabouts one evening a week and a half ago when he said he was going to the gym i followed him straight to his mistress's apartment he buzzes into the doors with a key and i'm sitting in the car crying he's in there for close to half an hour and i confront him when he comes out and say i want a divorce he breaks down and says it's not what i think he's not sleeping with her but that she's pregnant he then says that he meant everything he said during counseling but that he can feel that this is his kid i ask how far along she is and he says she is around three months along and that he had previously went to a doctor with her to confirm and that she empathetically wants to keep it we go to counseling the next day and he apologizes again and says i'm the biggest victim in this and he'll work harder than ever to keep us together and run meetings with his mistress by me however this is a blow that honestly knocked the breath out of me i just feel like the fragile feelings of closeness i built up with him are starting to crumble again and what's even worse is the fact that he started snapping at me when i trail him as he's getting his things to go out he would snap and say that his mistress said she needed to talk to him about something and no this could not wait and i was being ridiculous and making everybody very upset he gave me a speech about how somebody kept his father from him and it kills him that this kid will be made to feel like a dirty little secret not getting the full financial and emotional support that he would have otherwise we've previously discussed him financially disclosing all his accounts to me but now he's pushed back on it i asked him if he's been withdrawing money from the bank recently because in his search history i found surveys for recent experiences at various banks while not making any transactions from our joint accounts he got mad and said that his ex-mistress is struggling and it's not fair that she has to struggle even before the baby is born i just want to say that i'm not intending for anybody to struggle or to punish an innocent baby over anything i hope that my husband can work out a fair child support agreement and would personally make sure he fulfills his duties to the child i will not begrudge him being a stable figure in his kid's life and if something arises where he has to send more money i also wouldn't stop him within reason i also don't want the mother to be starving but she lives in a luxury apartment and has luxury gifts she could sell however the fact that he refuses to disclose how much money he may or may not be sending his mistress even at the moment makes me really nervous and agitated is there any saving this marriage at what point should i throw up my hands and say that the time money and tears for this past two months couldn't save this marriage and was probably all for nothing some people are saying that since i accepted and forgave his cheating over these two months it would be hypocritical if i made an about face and walk away from something that was a result of a past cheating that i would be a liar and traitor in that case i'm wondering if they are right and whether i should stay what do i do [Music] do [Music] you

Channel: Ask Girl

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Keywords: reddit girl, reddit, r/askreddit, reddit family, reddit parents, reddit disowned, reddit disown, reddit entitled parents, r/entitledparents, r/girl, r/family, r/, askreddit, askreddit girl, askreddit family, r/disown

Id: 5BVxmiZbv3w

Length: 17min 2sec (1022 seconds)

Published: Tue Mar 23 2021