♪♪ -Everybody, it's time
once again for "Corrections," and I think all in all, we had
a -- we had a pretty good week. Some cleanup from last week. We did a piece... on Thursday of last week
where we talked about Donald Trump once said that
the American army during the Revolutionary War
took over the airports, and then we said that General --
the British General Cornwallis, when he tried
to escape LaGuardia, asked, "Where is
ground transportation?" And people pointed out
that if you were British, you would say,
"Where is ground transport?" Now, that's true,
but here's the problem. If we had said that, someone --
invariably, one of the jackals would have said that LaGuardia
is not called ground transport, it's called
ground transportation. This is what we call
a "Corrections" pickle, and there's no path forward...
that ends in salvation. Like, they're both
bad choices for me. There's no way out for me. There is one good choice, but it is for you to make,
which is just to stop. We talked about Kellyanne Conway
crashing an F-16 and landing in a parachute
on the tarmac. In the graphic we made,
she was dressed like a skydiver. A lot of people pointed out if
she was in an F-16 piloting it, she'd be wearing a flight suit
and a parachute -- she wouldn't have prepared...
for the parachuting. So we'd like
to apologize to her... because we know how important
veracity...is in her life. We ask--
This is sort of a thing we crowdsourced out
to our friends in Oregon because we've been talking a lot about how many movies
they shoot in Astoria, Oregon. A lot of hit films --
"The Goonies," "Kindergarten Cop,"
"The Ring Two," which I referred to
as "Ring Two," which was wrong. A lot of people said it's not
"Ring Two," it's<i> "The</i> Ring Two." However, you go
to a Blockbuster... and ask for "Ring Two" and they say, "We don't even
know what that is." And that's on them, you know? They should be helpful
at a Blockbuster, and the last Blockbuster
closed in 2019. So yeah, that does work. You could have gone
to a Blockbuster trying to rent "The Ring Two." So, but they do have --
it turns out there is film tourism
in Astoria. They have a film museum... that is in the jail
from "Goonies"... which is great,
so if you're looking for fun for the whole family
and, you know, Disney World
falls into the sea... ...head on down to the jail
from "Goonies." We've talked a lot about how
you can't do Sloth anymore... and I talked about how that's been really hard
for comedians... who have, like, huge
Sloth chunks in their act. People said,
"I see what you did there. 'Sloth chunks,' because
the other character... is Chunk." That was an accident. I had no idea I was doing that,
which is, I think, proof... dare I say, of...
just how good this is. That we're, like, on accident
doing jokes that good. A lot of people told me how to
say, "Don't do Sloth," in Latin, but it was, again,
a "Corrections" pickle. There were about eight choices. The one thing that was clear
is I should not have tried to look up the Latin word
for "sloth" because Sloth is a character, so I shouldn't --
it shouldn't just be like... [ Speaking Latin ] And I guess there's a lot of Latin versions
of, "Don't do Sloth," because I guess this was a
problem in the Catholic Church. A lot of priests were doing...
they were doing Sloth. Like, they were doing
their Sloth impressions, and it was obviously
fairly offensive to... What do you call people? It's not parishioners. What do you call people
who go to Catholic church? -Parishioner.
-Parishioners. Oh, that's right. It's very offensive, and so they would say
to the, you know, they would say
to the Catholic priests, like, you know, [Speaks Latin]
and then they would move them. But it wouldn't stop them.
They'd still do Sloth. They'd still do Sloth. They'd say they stopped. So...I talked about -- we talked
about can one person... line up, and someone said,
"One person can't line up. You can join a line
and get in line." And then I said it's like that John Don poem
"No Man Is a Line." People said,
"You mean John Donne. You say John Donne." John Donne wrote
"No Man Is an Island." John Don wrote
"No Man Is a Line." John Don was a...
John Donne parody poet. Weird John. The first parody poet. I smoked as a horse. The other day,
I pantomimed smoking as a horse. We've talked a lot
about smoking cockroaches, and the "Corrections" jackals
were very helpful here and said, you know... a cockroach wouldn't smoke
from its mouth. It would smoke
from its spiracles, I think it was, which is because
its lungs are on its side, so I thought I was safe for
the horse because I was like, "You know, horses have mouths." Turns out a couple of things. One...people pointed out, and I should've known better,
horses, with their hooves, could not hold a cigarette. It would have to be two, so right away, this would be --
if you're correctly pantomiming, if you're taking it
seriously enough to get it right...
it would be this. And then also, horses,
according to -- again, this is just one
solitary jackal, a lone jackal, and this is
the risk of "Corrections," which is a lone jackal
tells me something and I do know follow-up. But they told me that due... that horses have long,
soft palates... that blocks their --
I hope I'm saying this right -- epiglottis, and that a horse
would smoke through their nose. They breathe through their nose,
so from now on, if we pantomime horses smoking
on the show, it would have to be... [ Inhales ] [ Laughter ] And so that means
we're just not gonna -- we're not gonna do it again because that's
pretty distressing to watch. A pig, though, I think,
and I'd like to reach out to -- again, we've established a lot of those
in the farming community, farm enthusiasts watch the show. I think because of
a cloven hoof, a pig could hold a cigarette. And we'll find out how
they smoke, but I would love -- I think we'll do a lot more pigs
smoking on the show if this is... [ Inhales ] Oink. Did a Larry David
yesterday that... I think in retrospect
was pretty... ...pretty bad. Not gonna do it again, and just gonna
get ahead of it -- same thing
with tonight's Brokaw, which you're seeing this
on Friday. But on Thursday night,
thought I had a Brokaw. Got away from me. So before you even say it,
I hear you. Sang a couple lyrics from Randy Newman's classic
"I Love L.A." I said, "I love L.A.,
I love it." Shame on me. It's, "I love L.A., we love it." And that is a very important
song for me, and this is a very true story. I moved to Los Angeles in 1999. My brother and I moved there,
and our car -- we went to Rent-a-Wreck, where we rented
a Ford Festiva for, I think, like $400
the whole month, which is a pretty good deal. A Ford Festiva is a very --
it's like a box. There's not much
to a Ford Festiva. No one at a car dealership
has ever said, "If you want
a little bit more..." "...I'd love to show you
the Ford Festiva." It had "Festiva" written -- That's how I remember. "Festiva" was written in cursive
on the side. It was popular in an era
where people wanted to see the name of their car
on the side of it, and we had a Ford Festiva. And I remember when we got it,
the guy said, "The only thing you should know is that the windshield wipers
don't work," and, you know,
coming from the East Coast, my brother and I said, "That seems like
a huge problem." And he said,
"It never rains in L.A.," and we were like, "Okay, cool." So we take the Ford Festiva, and I remember
we stopped at a Tower Records and we bought Randy Newman's
greatest hits on cassette tape because we thought
it'd be super funny to drive around
in a Ford Festiva our first week in L.A. blasting
"I Love L.A." in the worst car
that money could buy. And like our first night there,
it poured rain, and because we didn't have
windshield wipers, we had to pull over
on the side of the road and just wait
for the rain to stop. And there was nothing
more depressing than being, like,
new, young actors in L.A. sitting on the side of the road
while you're hearing, like, Randy Newman be like [As Randy Newman] "From the
West Side to the East Side." We talked about the snap, the Thanos snap,
and we showed Wally -- a wonderful work
by our graphics department. I know I give
the graphics department a bit of trouble here. Wonderful job by them of showing
Wally disintegrating, but then people said, "You know,
the problem with that graphic, which was great,
is that Wally's cue card would not have disintegrated. Wally would have disintegrated and the cue card would
have dropped to the ground," which is true if the cue card
wasn't a part of Wally. [ Laughter ] Wally's cue cards are to him
what our arms and legs are. It's been a part of him
since he was born. When when Wally was born... When Wally was born,
the doctor said, "It's a boy," not because...
he saw anything on Wally. He -- And thank you
for lending this to me, Wally, because I guess
your mom saved it. He said, "It's a boy," because
Wally was holding this. A tiny... [ Laughter and applause ] Heard from
the knitting community again. Same lovely woman. On Instagram, she like --
you know, we're living in an era right now where I think
everyone's, like, worried they did something 15 years ago that's gonna come back
to haunt them, and I did a photoshoot
years ago. And she just posted this photo,
and I'm paraphrasing. She was like, "The [bleep]" [ Laughter ] Because I guess -- if we could
go tight on the hands, I guess that's, like,
there's nothing about that which is proper
knitting technique, and I'm so mad because
I remember doing that shoot, and they're like, "Maybe you
could be knitting a blanket." I'm like, "Guys,
I don't know how it works." And they're like, "Just do it.
What's gonna happen?" And I'm like, "I would just hate
to offend those... who, you know,
honor this craft," and they're like,
"Don't worry about the knitters. What are they gonna do?
Hunt you down?" Well, they did. They did,
and as we've established, they are foul-mouthed,
humorless. My Twitter feed is a cesspool... because of this at the time,
fun photo to take. What else we got? Okay. GoldenEye -- I talked about
the GoldenEye cheat codes, and I guess
a lot of people said... I left out an "L." I left out a solitary "L." More than made up for by all
the L's who pointed that out. Had some "L" trouble
in general this week. We had a joke about Doritos,
cauliflower Doritos. Can we throw it up real quick,
Alex? You might be noticing...
"cauiflower." Cauiflower. You know, how the kids say it. Doritos is like,
"We'll do it a cool way. Cauiflower. Broli." "Me and my friends are going out
for some broli. Cauiflower." Not the worst thing
graphics did to me this week. Alright, so I busted pretty hard on the graphics department
yesterday 'cause we were
talking about LAX, and I was talking about
one time, I looked over in traffic,
was so bad at LAX that the car next to me
had a skeleton driving it. And the car was not
what I expected it to be. It was like an old... Volvo station wagon, basically,
and I gave it a lot of -- can we show it real quick? Okay, so that's -- alright. Take it down, because I want
to say something. I went after graphics hard,
okay? And then I walk offstage, and Sal,
who writes "A Closer Look" and who is an honorable man,
said, "This is on me. They said, 'What kind of car?' And I said,
'Like an old Volvo.'" Now, obviously,
Sal is no longer with the show. [ Laughter ] But I felt bad,
and I was gonna go down... down to where graphics are. You know, we're right now --
we're on the eighth floor. Graphics is, what, negative 50? You have to take
three elevators down. They're, like, buried deep
in a part of the building that you kind of
can't believe exists, and I was gonna go down there
to apologize to them because I felt so bad. But then, you know,
I read some of the comments, and people said, "Hey,
the car is not the problem. The problem is you described
a car stuck in traffic at LAX, and they gave you a car that was speeding ahead
on open road!" Let's take another look. It's blurry. The background is blurry, that skeleton
is driving so fast, so you know what? You're going the way
of Sal, everybody. Lastly, we were
very happy to announce... we finished second for the Emmy,
tied for second. [ Laughter ] Very nice for the Emmy,
the Academy to reach out and say, "Tied for second,
four-way tie." Which is great, second. We lost to "Carpool Karaoke,"
which I've said before is maybe one of the greatest
talk-show bits of all time and a very deserving winner
of the Emmy. Like, it's so good
that I feel like... I almost want to, like,
change the name of this to, like, sound more like it, if there was anything
that made sense at all. But I don't think there is, and I also think that
at the end, it's not about... winning or losing. It's about the jackals you tried
to avoid meeting along the way. But I didn't avoid it.
I met you all. And if I had won, it was
going to be mine and mine alone, but I do feel like
we lost together. [ Laughter ] Also, people said, "Hey, do you feel bad that
you, like, really pushed it? You had a lot of, like,
'for your consideration' stuff, a lot of, like, FYC stuff." I want to clarify, a lot
of people said this was an FYC. This is a Fine Young Cannibals
mug, okay? [ Laughter ] This has nothing to do with...
an award push. So again, congratulations to
everybody at "Carpool Karaoke," and congratulations
to the other nominees. And it's been lovely
having you see me, and I look forward to
you seeing me again next week. And in all sincerity,
this is -- all jokes aside, this is my favorite part
of the week. Thank you so much for watching,
and we'll see you. Well, I don't know.
However you want me to say it. You guys record yourself
saying it and play it at the end so that it's satisfying
to your ears. Each one of you different
because you know what? Jackals are like snowflakes.
You're all different. And you're also like
the modern use of "snowflakes," which is you're [bleep]
irritated by everything. [ Laughter ]
