>>> GOOD EVENING.
I'M TUCKER CARLSON, TONIGHT I'M YOUR HOST AND HUMAN WHITE CLAW,
TUCKER CARLSON. THE "STAR WARS" LADY BEING
CANCELED JUST FOR HOLDING THE CONSERVATIVE BELIEF THAT EWOKS
ARE JEWISH. WHY?
THEY ARE. BUT FIRST, THERE'S A LOT TO
COVER TONIGHT INCLUDING THE IMPEACHMENT.
SO IN PLACE OF MY USUAL MONOLOGUE, HERE'S A LOOSE
COLLECTION OF SCARE MONGERING NON SEQUITURS.
IS AOC HIDING IN YOUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW?
I WOULDN'T PUT IT PAST HER. PRONOUNS FOR DOGS?
COME ON. EVERYBODY KNOWS THEY'RE BOYS.
PIXAR. IS IT MAKING OUR KIDS DEPRESSED
OR GAY? PICK ONE.
THE IMPEACHMENT HAS REACHED ITS FOREGONE CONCLUSION WITH THE
ACQUITTAL OF DONALD J. TRUMP. TONIGHT'S FIRST GUEST AS POWER
PLAYER IN THOSE HEARINGS. PLEASE WELCOME 65-YEAR-OLD
TEACHER'S PET, SENATOR LINDSEY GRAHAM.
>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU, TUCKER. IT'S A GREAT DAY FOR 30% OF
AMERICA. AND TONIGHT WE PARTY!
[ LAUGHTER ] >> WOW.
WELL, LINDSEY, YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY VERY HAPPY ABOUT THE VERDICT.
>> LOOK, TUCKER. THIS -- THIS "TRIAL" WAS
OFFENSIVE AND ABSURD. LIKE A FRICKIN' EPISODE OF "RICK
AND MORTIE," EXCUSE MY FOUL LANGUAGE.
[ LAUGHTER ] BUT WE ALL AGREE THE ATTACK ON
THE CAPITOL WAS A HORRIBLE THING.
JUST BECAUSE THE RIOTERS WERE YELLING FIGHT FOR TRUMP DOESN'T
MEAN THEY MEANT DONALD TRUMP. COULD HAVE BEEN SOME REAL
TIFFANY HEADS. MAYBE EVEN SOME ERIC STEMS.
I DON'T KNOW. BUT REGARDLESS, THE TRIAL IS
OVER, AND NOW WE CAN MOVE PAST THIS AND FOCUS ON THE SERIOUS
ISSUES, THAT'S LOCKING UP HILLARY AND FREEING BEAUTIFUL
BRITNEY SPEARS. [ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> YEAH.
THAT'S A GREAT POINT, LINDSEY, IT REALLY MAKES ME CONTORT MY
FACE LIKE I'M THINKING. >> I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY
EVERYONE STILL INSISTS ON TAKING DONALD TRUMP DOWN.
HE IS SMART. HE IS NICE.
HE'S IN SHAPE. LAST FALL HE DIED OF COVID,
AND DIDN'T EVEN TELL NOBODY. [ LAUGHTER ]
AND NOW EVERYBODY'S SAYING HE ATTEMPTED A COUP.
HE DIDN'T ATTEMPT A COUP. HE IS COOL.
[ LAUGHTER ] HE'S THE COOLEST GUY I KNOW.
>> YEAH, MAYBE THE COOLEST GUY EVER?
>> LOOK. THE IMPORTANT THING IS THE GOOD
GUYS WON AGAIN. AND WE COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT
WITHOUT THIS BASTARD. GET IN HERE, TED CRUZ.
>> WOW. SENATOR CRUZ.
WELCOME TO THE SHOW. >> WELL, THANKS, TUCKER.
WHAT DOES -- WAIT, WHAT DOES IT SAY BELOW ME?
OH, YEAH. THAT'S WHAT TRUMP SAID ABOUT MY
WIFE. YEAH.
I THINK SHE'S BEAUTIFUL. BUT SINCE TRUMP IS THE BOSS,
SORRY, HONEY, YA BUSTED. >> JUST IN TIME FOR VALENTINE'S
DAY. WOW.
AND CAN I SAY, THE BEARD IS WORKING.
>> WELL, YOU'D BE THE FIRST. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> NOW, MR. TRUMP'S DEFENSE TEAM GOT OFF TO A PRETTY ROUGH START
EARLIER IN THE WEEK. CAN YOU TELL ME HOW YOU PULLED
THIS OUT? WHILE YOU TALK, I'M GOING TO
HAVE A LOOK ON MY FACE LIKE A BABY SEEING HIS FIRST BALLOON.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> THANKS FOR THE QUESTION,
TUCKER. LIKE ANY IMPARTIAL JUROR, WE
TOOK IT UPON OURSELVES TO MEET WITH THE DEFENSE LAWYERS, TO
GIVE THEM SOME VERY SIMPLE LEGAL ADVICE.
STOP, AND DON'T. >> OVERALL, TED AND I ARE
EXTREMELY PROUD OF TRUMP'S LAWYERS, WHO ARE BOTH PARTNERS
AT THE LAW FIRM OF SALINO AND YAKS.
>> DAMN RIGHT. THANKS, TUCKER.
>> THANKS, GENTLEMEN. ON THE SUBJECT OF THE TRUMP
DEFENSE TEAM, LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT SOME OF THEIR ARGUMENTS FROM
EARLY. >> HELLO, SENATE AND OTHER
SERIOUS PEOPLE. I WANT TO APOLOGIZE FOR BEING
UNPREPARED LAST TIME I WAS OUT HERE.
WIFE BOUGHT DECAF. BUT I PROMISE I'LL MAKE IT UP TO
YOU NOW. AS YOU ALL KNOW, I AM THE LEAD
PROSECUTOR -- NOPE, SORRY, I AM THE COUNSEL.
I KNOW THE DIFFERENCE. BUT AS TRUMP'S BAILIFF -- NOPE,
NOT RIGHT EITHER. BRIDESMAID -- NOPE, SORRY, I
NEED A SECOND, HA. LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE
PROSECUTION! WOWZER, AM I RIGHT?
Y'ALL RULED IT, CRUSHED IT. WELL, THAT'S MY TIME!
[ LAUGHTER ] >> ALL RIGHT, I'LL TAKE FROM IT
HERE. MY NAME IS MR. VAN DER VEEN.
THAT'S DUTCH FOR "MAN OF THE PENIS."
[ LAUGHTER ] SO I'VE HEARD IT ALL.
ALL RIGHT? FIRST OFF, LET ME SAY THAT I DO
NOT WANT TO BE HERE. I AM NOT LIKE YOU.
OKAY? I'M NOT FROM WASHINGTON.
I'M A PHILLY BOY, AND I'VE SAID THAT OVER AND OVER.
AND THIS IS THE WORST THING THAT'S BEEN IN THIS SENATE
CHAMBER IN THE HISTORY OF A COUPLE OF WEEKS.
JIMINY CRICKETS! AND NOW THE HOUSE WANTS TO BRING
UP WITNESSES OVER ZOOM? ZOOM?
I CAN'T AFFORD TO ZOOM. YOU THINK I'M GETTING PAID FOR
THIS? AND THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY
LAST DAY. I ALREADY BOUGHT A NONREFUNDABLE
TRAIN TICKET BACK TO PHILLY-VANIA, PENNSYL-DELPHIA.
[ LAUGHTER ] BUT IF THEY INSIST ON WITNESSES,
I'M GOING TO CALL SOME OF MY OWN.
LIKE VICE PRESIDENT KAHLUA HARRIS.
ANJA PRESLEY. OLAN OMAHA.
DID I MISS HIGH PRONOUNCE THE NAMES OF THESE WOMEN OF COLOR ON
PURPOSE OR OUT OF IGNORANCE? YOU'LL NEVER KNOW.
[ LAUGHTER ] IF YOU THINK DONALD TRUMP SAYING
THE WORD "FIGHT" IS A CRIME, TAKE A LOOK AT THIS TAPE.
>> WE WILL FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT. >> FIGHT.
>> FIGHT. >> FIGHT.
>> FIGHT. FIGHT.
>> FIGHT. >> FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT.
>> FIGHT CLUB. >> FIGHT.
>> GUNGANS NO DYING WITHOUT A FIGHT.
>> WELL SAID, JAR-JAR. ME-SA REST MY CASE.
>> WE GO TO THE FINAL WITNESS OF THE NIGHT, SENATE MAJORITY
LEADER MICHAEL COHEN. >> HELLO, TUCKER.
>> NOW, SENATOR McCONNELL, WHY DID YOU VOTE TO ACQUIT
DONALD TRUMP? >> BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS YOU
CANNOT IMPEACH A FORMER PRESIDENT.
THAT'S WHY WE SHOULD HAVE IMPEACHED HIM BEFORE, BACK WHEN
I SAID WE COULDN'T. >> THAT LOGIC PRETZELS OUT.
BUT WHAT DO YOU REALLY THINK OF TRUMP?
>> I THINK HE'S GUILTY AS HELL. AND THE WORST PERSON I EVER MET.
AND I HOPE EVERY CITY, COUNTY, AND STATE LOCKS HIS ASS UP.
OH! GOD, THAT FELT GOOD!
I'VE BEEN HOLDING THAT INSIDE MY NECK FOR FOUR YEARS!
[ LAUGHTER ] I GOT CRACKER CRUMBS IN HERE.
>> WOW. SO WHAT'S NEXT?
>> I DON'T KNOW ABOUT MY COLLEAGUES, BUT I PLAN TO REACH
MY HAND ACROSS THE AISLE. AND THEN YANK IT BACK AND SLIDE
IT ACROSS MY HAIR AND SAY, "TOO SLOW."
HA HA! >> THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
THANKS FOR COMING, SENATOR. WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS
AD FOR SENIOR EMERGENCY BUTTONS. BUT FIRST, LIVE FROM NEW YORK,
IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT!"
