[ LAUGHTER ]
♪♪♪ [ LAUGHTER ]
>>> ORDER. ORDER IN THE CHAMBER.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> I'M CHIEF JUSTICE JOHN
ROBERTS AND I WILL BE OVERSEEING THESE PROCEEDINGS WITH COMPLETE
DISINTEREST OPINION. >> THE HELL YOU WILL BE.
>> JUDGE MATHIS? >> THAT'S RIGHT.
THIS COURT NEEDS A REAL JUDGE WHO GOT SOME BIG BRASS ONES
UNDER HIS SKIRT. >> YOU WANT MY GAVEL?
>> I BROUGHT MY OWN. WATCH OUT.
WE ABOUT TO DO THIS TRIAL RIGHT. WHERE'S THAT SNEAKY LITTLE
MITCH? ♪♪♪
[ LAUGHTER ] >> YES?
HELLO, I'M A SNEAKY LITTLE MITCH, YOUR HONOR.
AND I WANT TO REMIND THE AMERICAN PEOPLE THAT ALL MEN ARE
INNOCENT AFTER PROVEN GUILTY. >> YOU MEAN, UNTIL PROVEN
GUILTY? >> HE HE HE HE HE.
SURE. >> LET'S GET LINDSEY GRAHAM OUT
HERE. >> THANK YOU, YOUR HONOR.
NOW, I MAY BE A SUPER COUNTRY PERSON.
I'VE STUDIED THIS FROM TOP TO BOTTOM.
I DON'T SEE ANY OTHER OPTIONS. I'M NOT GOING TO GET RE-ELECTED
UNLESS I KISS MR. TRUMP'S GRITS AND TICKLE HIS BISCUITS.
THAT'S WHY I DECLARE HE'S INNOCENT.
>> YOU'RE NOT WORRIED ABOUT HOW THIS WILL GO DOWN IN HISTORY?
>> WHERE I COME FROM, WE HAVE ALL THE HISTORY BOOKS, THE T-REX
HAS HANDED THE CONFEDERATE FLAG TO JESUS.
>> I'M DONE WITH THIS NONSENSE. WE'RE CALLING WITNESSES, BECAUSE
THAT'S HOW A TRIAL WORKS. GET YOUR RAT'S ASS IN HERE.
>> MR. BOLTON, WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?
>> YOUR HONOR. THE THINGS I SAW PRESIDENT TRUMP
DO AND SAY, MADE ME DEEPLY WORRIED ABOUT THE FUTURE OF
DEMOCRACY. >> WHY ARE YOU ONLY COMING OUT
WITH THIS NOW? >> BECAUSE I'M A MESSY BITCH WHO
LOVES DRAMA. >> THIS I LIKE.
DON'T LEAVE ME ON RED. GIVE ME SOME OF THAT HOT TEA.
WHAT ELSE IS IN THAT BOOK OF YOURS.
>> SORRY, JUDGE. NO MORE FREE SPOILERS.
BUT YOU CAN PREORDER THE BOOK NOW.
IT'S CALLED "HARRY POTTER AND THE ROOM WHERE IT HAPPENED."
>> YOUR HONOR, I OBJECT. IF WE'RE HEARING FROM JOHN
BOLTON, WE SHOULD HEAR FROM HUNTER BIDEN TOO.
>> YOU KNOW I'M CALLING HUNTER BIDEN TOO.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, I HATE HILARIOUS WITNESSES?
THE COURT CALLS HUNTER BIDEN. ♪♪♪
[ LAUGHTER ] >> HUNTER, THANK YOU FOR COMING.
>> YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS, MY SCHEDULE WAS WIDE OPEN.
>> HOW ARE YOU EXACTLY MIXED UP IN THIS?
>> I'M NOT. THE PRESIDENT IS JUST POINTING
AT ME TO DISTRACT FROM HIS OWN CRIMES.
>> WHAT'S YOUR CURRENT JOB? >> I'M ON THE BOARD OF A
BRAZILIAN OIL COMPANY CALLED NEPOTISMO.
>> YOU ONLY GOT THE JOB BECAUSE OF YOUR FATHER?
>> THAT'S RIGHT. I'VE BEEN LETTING FOREIGN
LEADERS STAY AT BIDEN LAGO. NO, THAT'S THE PRESIDENT.
YOU BURNT. >> THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
HE CLEARLY RECEIVED MONEY IN EXCHANGE FOR POLITICAL
INFLUENCE. WHICH REMINDS ME.
COAL. BEAUTIFUL, CLEAN.
THE WAY OF THE FUTURE. THIS ONE LUMP OF COAL CAN POWER
A LIGHT BULB FOR ALMOST TWO MINUTES.
>> AND I'D LIKE TO DO A QUICK ONE FOR GUNS.
GUNS. YOU CAN'T WATCH THE SUPER BOWL
WITHOUT A GUN. >> ALL RIGHT.
THERE WILL BE NO MORE ADS IN MY COURTROOM.
>> THEN, YOUR HONOR, I WOULD LIKE TO CALL THREE MORE LAWYERS
ON BEHALF OF PRESIDENT TRUMP. >> YOU SHOULD UP, DONNA TELLO.
IN THIS VERSION OF THE TRIAL, THE PRESIDENT IS DEFENDING
HIMSELF. THE COURT CALLS PRESIDENT DONALD
J. TRUMP [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> OKAY. NOW, WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?
>> YOUR HONOR, I'M A VERY SICK OLD MAN.
HOW COULD I WITHHOLD AID FROM THE UKRAINE, I CAN BARELY GET
AROUND THE HOUSE. >> PRESIDENT TRUMP ARE YOU
TRYING TO WEINSTEIN ME RIGHT NOW?
>> IN WHICH SENSE, BECAUSE HARVEY AND I OVERLAP IN A FEW
AREAS. >> MR. PRESIDENT, WHAT IS YOUR
DEFENSE? >> MY DEFENSE IS VERY SIMPLE,
YOUR HONOR. I'M GUILTY, BUT IT AIN'T NO
THING. >> OKAY.
THAT'S A WARNING. DO THE DEMOCRATS HAVE A
RESPONSE? ADAM SCHIFF?
>> THANK YOU, YOUR HONOR. >> MR. SCHIFF, ARE YOU CRYING?
>> NO, IT'S JUST THAT MY GECKO EYES HAVE BEEN OPEN FOR 86
STRAIGHT HOURS. >> THERE HE GOES, SHIFTY SCHIFF,
TWO SCHIFFS TO THE WIND. I'M SORRY THAT'S ONE OF MY
FAMOUS MINI-STROKES. >> I NEED A REAL LAWYER, WHO'S
AROUND. WHERE'S MY COUSIN VINNY AT.
>> YOUR HONOR, I OBJECT TO THIS ENTIRE LINE OF QUESTIONING?
>> YOU OBJECT? >> THAT'S RIGHT.
THERE'S NO WAY THIS GUY TRUMP ONLY MET WITH TWO UKES.
>> TWO WHAT? DID YOU JUST SAY UKES?
>> YEAH, TWO UKES, TWO UKRAINIANS.
>> THAT IS TOO DUMB EVEN FOR THIS, MY COUSIN VINNY.
PRESIDENT TRUMP, WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKE A CLOSING STATEMENT?
>> I WOULD, YOUR HONOR. >> TAKE THAT PHIL SPECTOR WIG
OFF. >> OKAY, I ACTUALLY THOUGHT IT
WAS AN IMPROVEMENT, BUT FINE. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THIS
GOVERNMENT PLACE. WHAT I'VE LEARNED FROM THIS
TRIAL IS THAT CLEARLY NOTHING I DO OR SAY HAS ANY CONSEQUENCE.
SO I'D LIKE TO COMPLAIN. THE CALL WITH THE UKRAINE WASN'T
PERFECT, IT WAS ILLEGAL. AND FRANKLY, IT WAS A BUTT DIAL.
AND FRANKLY, I WATCH CNN ALL THE TIME.
AND IT'S AWESOME, I HATE IOWA, MICHIGAN, PENNSYLVANIA ARKANSAS
AND WEST VIRGINIA. WEST CAROLINA, I'M SORRY.
I SEE IT ALL THE TIME AT GOLF, TEXAS, I'M NOT 239 POUNDS, I'M
475 POUNDS. AND I DON'T REALLY NEED THIS
WALKER EITHER, ALTHOUGH IT DOES HELP ME BE LAZIER, WHICH I LIKE.
WHAT ELSE? I CUT THE FUNDING TO THE CDC SO
THIS WANG CHUNG VIRUS IS REALLY GOING TO BE BAD.
BUT THIS TRIAL HAS BEEN INCREDIBLE BECAUSE I NOW HAVE A
BEST FRIEND. MITCH McCONNELL.
HE'S A RIDE OR DIE BITCL. AND WE'RE GOING TO BE LINKED
FOREVER, RIGHT, MITCH? ♪ WHAT HAVE I DONE ♪
♪ WHO AM I NOW ♪ ♪ HAVE I THROWN AWAY ALL MY
DIGNITY ♪ ♪ AM I A CLOWN ♪
♪ THAT'S INSULTING TO CLOWNS ♪ >> ALL RIGHT, JUDGE MATHIS FINDS
THE DEFENDANT GUILTY ON ALL CHARGES, HE'S FINED $10,000 AND
I'M FORCING HIM TO SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT NANCY PELOSI.
>> FINE. HER BODY'S AN 8.
>> I'LL TAKE IT. AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK
IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT
