You know, if one of my two best
friends since middle school would let me stay with them,
then I wouldn't have to do this. Um, on behalf of Carville and I,
I'd like to apologize for getting you evicted. That was really...
No, wait, no! No, that... that was you.
You did that all by yourself. Cheese stands alone on that one. No, I'm serious. Moving in with
my girlfriend is not a desirable thing in my life right now.
I don't want to do it. You gotta help me.
I don't want to do it. Oh well. Don't look at me. You know,
I live in a studio. Come on, man. Sleepovers
stopped being cool in 7th grade. Mm huh. And I have a boyfriend
now, so, I need my privacy. Whatever.
How old is he? Like 60? 80. He's 80. He's 45 and he just
had a birthday, too, so, he's pretty much still-- He's 44, going into-- Whatever.
44, 60... You say tomato, I say 60. He's probably legally blind. He wouldn't even notice me
being there. Oh, look at me.
That's cute. That's really funny.
Whatever you need. Where is it? I can't find it. That's really cute.
Oh, my god, you guys. Let's go, this is ridiculous. I can't put it in. Let's go. I got evicted because I spent all my
money trying to impress my new girlfriend. And I bought this sweet
ass TV. Not my fault. Oh, it's not your
fault. So, it's okay. Well, if it's not your fault...
ah... whose fault would it be? Rappers. They make it
hard for us regular guys. Whatever. You're the dumbass
who spent all your money on someone you
met three months ago. What part of "take it
slow" didn't make sense? Nothing you say makes sense. Besides, I refuse to take advice from
somebody that's dating Mr. Rogers. You're dating Mr. Rogers? Okay, does he
switch from his blazer to his sweater when
you guys start to do it? Yeah, he also has a milk-carton
village in his living room. We play with
it. It's really hot. Fine, if Mr. Rogers doesn't
want to be my neighbor, I'll just do my time here at
Shawshank Redemption 2, and get my own place again. Dude. You really think you're
gonna get your own place again, man? They don't call it the old
ball and chain for nothing. What are you talking about? Talking about what she's
gonna do to you in there, man. KIM (O.S.): What am
I going to do to him? Kim, just appear.
Out of thin air. Was Professor X mad
when you left the X-Men? Yes. He was. Now what
am I going to do to him? For starters, you'll probably
cut his penis off and use it as a really small shake
weight. You know? Take that. BIG BOY (V.O.): Big
Boy's Neighborhood! It is goin' down, man.
Relationships. Do they work? Is it better to be single? LIZ: If you're miserable, yes. Our bedroom already has a
TV. We get people that say, "Hey, you know,
I'm in a relationship... "What should I do?
What's going on?" It's a pink TV. Yeah, it matches
everything in the room. BIG BOY: Who's in
the neighborhood? RICK (V.O.): Hey,
what's goin' on guys? BIG BOY (V.O.): Who's
this? Uh, this is Rick. Rick, what's going on,
Rick? How you doin', Rick? Oh, my god, you guys,
check out all the pink and shit. Pink is my favorite color. The color of vaginas. Actually smells
like vagina in here. Let me walk you guys out. Ew! Thank you, let's go.
Thanks for helping me move. Bite the bullet, what I like to buy,
and the way I like to dress. Right? I go... I go out, you know I'm,
you know, I'm wearing the shirt and she's all "You know,
you dress like a one-year-old." Thanks. Oh, good luck with your
wife. She's not my wife. BIG BOY (V.O.): A year ago
she wasn't trying to dress you. RICK: No, dude. She wasn't
trying to dress me or nothing. Yeah, you know she was just
like "Ah, yeah, that's so cool. That's -- you're,
you're so cool." LIZ (V.O.): Everything was
compliments in the beginning. BIG BOY (V.O.):
Have you changed? Rick. Have you
changed in that year? RICK (V.O.): I don't
think I've changed. BIG BOY (V.O.): So do you
think that, like, right now... Are you finished
unpacking? What? Are you finished unpacking? Unpacking? Mm-hm. Yeah. Jesus. Sorry, I couldn't
hold it in any longer. Why didn't you spit
in your own hand? You know what? I feel more
comfortable with you already. This is gonna be fun, right? All right? I'm going
to bed, give me a kiss. Um, can I get a
better kiss than that? Okay, that's enough. You
have to get up early tomorrow. What? Why? We do chores on Sundays. I thought we'd sleep late and
watch football on Sundays? We do not. Sunday's for chores. We don't sleep late
and watch football... ever! Ever? Can you turn the TV off? Can I leave it on? I like
to sleep with the TV on. Just turn it off, okay? I'll turn it down real low. And the bathroom
light, if you're done. Thanks. Can we compromise? BIG BOY (V.O.): The
relationship is now over. FUZZY (V.O.): I'll get the bell. Fine. RICK (V.O.): That sounds great. BIG BOY (V.O.): Thank you, man. So you are now
anointed as a single man. ( Kim snoring ) BIG BOY (V.O.) Big
Boy's Neighborhood! It is going down, man.
Relationships, man, do they work? Are you better off being single? We've been talking about it,
man, and we got someone that felt like it was so necessary to
just come up into the neighborhood, and be helped with his problem. Now your name is? James. How you doing, James, man? What's so bad about
your relationship, James? Well, she is, uh...
the antichrist. Wow! Yeah, man. You want to be careful
about dating the antichrist, man. We heard about
that. It's not working. So this is what we're
gonna do. You're done. So, if we called her up.
Is it okay to call her up? Please. Do you
want me to handle it? 'Cause I can handle the break-up
for you. Do y'all live together now? That's the issue. Okay. I don't have
anywhere else to go, unless I can stay with you. No, no, you're not
gonna stay with me, but I'm gonna do
the break-up for you, but I'm still gonna
ask you to leave. I still want to live
with her, though. What? Come on now, James. I always hate when people just
walk in here... we can do a blood test... Are you trying to do the
"friends with benefits thing?" Or... No benefits, I just want
to sleep on her couch. You want to break up with her, but
you still want to sleep on her couch? Yes. Do you want me
to tell her that? Yes. You're already
homeless. Bottom line. Do me a favor,
brother, do me a favor. If you write down the name-- KIM: Why are you on the couch? James? Why are you on the couch? 'Cause it's softer
than the floor. Must have fell
asleep with the TV on. What? Was I snoring? Can you put this
TV in the closet? And take out the
trash, please? Pew-pew. It's chore day! Is it better to be single? It's not full yet. Yeah, well, there's
still trash in it. Well, it still needs
to be emptied. It's empty. Just has one
banana peel and some tissue. So gross. That is gross? You spit in my hand last
night. That wasn't gross to you? That was fine,
but this is gross? Can you just take out the trash?
And that box needs to go, as well. Please? Oh, my god, what
is that? Is it alive? No silly. It died when I
shaved it off my body. Wow. That's disgusting. What? I haven't shaved in a
while. I mean, what's the big deal? I just thought that--
Wha are you doing? Since we be living together, that we would
eventually, you know? Have sex? Well, yeah. ( door bell rings ) Coming! Ah, it smells so good in here. You okay? All right, we'll cover the
bathroom when you're done, okay? Okay. It's Sunday, Sunday chore day. Oh, you guys didn't know? Yeah, I, I didn't know
either until last night. Just found out. I was kind of
planning on watching the game with my friends today,
but no... I'm here... James! Banana peels out of
picking trash cans... James, stop! What? No, it's chore day. It's okay Tony. Yeah, I know.
It's sad. But, uh, don't cry. That's stupid. Okay? Ah what
we can do is... you can stop crying like a little bitch, and... go to the
store and get me some Mop & Glo. Then we can all clean
together. How about that? What? James, Tanny's grandmother just died.
Shauna and I are trying to console her. ( TV chatter ) JAMES: She doesn't say
bless you when I sneeze.... Doesn't let me watch TV in bed.
And she makes me do chores. She's like... an unpleasant...
non-singing... Mary Poppins. I told you this was
gonna happen. And... she snores
like a Velociraptor. And the first night we spend together, I
gotta sleep on the couch because of it. Ah hah ha. Wait. You've never
spent the night together before? Nope. You know, I used to think that...
she was just being old fashioned. Now I think that she
was just trying to M. Night Shyamalan me with a
sucky twist at the end. Come over here and
help me move this. Babe, we don't
need no pineapple. No, how much are
these? 30 dollars. What are you gonna
do with the pineapple? That's too much,
that's way too much. We came here for something else. What about this? There. Maybe I just need...
time to work the kinks out. It's too bad you don't have
an apartment to go back to. It's too bad people don't like
you because your face is ugly. You're married to Miss
Piggy. And I'm awesome. You're not awesome. We're not broke, okay? No, no, we are.
She doesn't know it. She's living this life-- No, we're not broke. Well, this one's $300. That's $300? But guess what? I'ma go. This guy right here,
he's the ring expert. Mr. Tall Guy, we
need your help, man. I assume this is your first day. Yeah... tall guy. Save my day. All right. Right, cool. Thank you, man. Great. Doesn't look like he
knows much, either. This guy is great. So how much is
this one? Which one? This one right here. Oh, no, I don't like that one. How much? It's ugly. It's $300. You are so cheap.
Wait until I tell my mother that you bought my
engagement ring in a stuff shop. So you two lovebirds
getting married? Oh, yeah, we just had a baby. You are the father. Oh, we're gonna be a family now. Congratulations.
Maury can kiss my ass. You shouldn't talk about Maury
like that, because he's a great guy. Well, if he's so great, why don't you have
him be the father of your child huh? Yeah? Of course you would say that.
You would. He's taken. Okay? But if I could've chose to have him
make love to me in the bathroom stall of Chucky Cheese
instead of you, I would have. Wow, whatever. Yeah, whatever. We'll take this one. It's ugly. Well, it matches
your face, honey. James and Kim are
so perfect strangers. Hmmm. No. More like
Laverne and Shirley. More like Mork and Mindy. James, you are so
Mindy, by the way. No. We haven't had sex. What? What? What? So you livin' with a
girl that's your girlfriend, and you're not
having sex with her? No. She says that
she's still feeling me out. I don't get it. What
does that mean? Yeah, I don't get it, either. Like, I'm a girl
and I don't get that. Whatev's, man. You
trying something different. Cool. Thought you were
gonna make fun of me. I'm not gonna do
that to your face. Yeah, well, at least I
got a roof over my head, because nobody
else will take me in. Dude, if you're
gonna live with her, you've got to get the
sex thing out of the way. Trust me, sexual tension
in your living situation is not going to make it
any more comfortable. But she's not ready. Okay?
How do I make her ready? Nurture her. What the hell is that? Sex move? No, but, it can lead to it. Really? Okay, um, nurture... how? ( knock on door ) Hey. Hey. What up? Did you forget your key? No... well, yeah. Maybe, yup, I forgot
my key. That's what I did. Oh, are those for me? Those? No, no. They are for the best
girlfriend in the world. Oh, wait, that is you. They're for you. Aw... they're beautiful. Well, guess what the best girlfriend
in the world did for you today? She put my TV in the bedroom? No, it's so much better than
that. Come on. Let me show you. What could be better
than that? Close your eyes. KIM: Okay, open them. Tah-dah! Nice, take-out! And you put it on
the good plates. No, I cooked it. Nuh-uh. Yeah. I just wanted to make up for
the rocky start we had, you know? Just make everything
perfect. Sorry, Kermie. Yeah, I'm sorry, too. I don't think it's our
fault thought. You know? It's just... this crazy
situation. Maybe we need to... put on some slow music one night
and nurture each other a bunch of times. Then we'll be fine. Thanks for cooking me dinner. And thank you for the
eight, nine, ten roses. There's only ten roses here? You're welcome. So, I'm not worth a full dozen? Well, no, no. I did the math and you only added
up to about ten, sorry. I'm joking. Seriously? Okay? Wow, if it
means that much to you, I will get two more tomorrow. Then you'll have a dozen. Fine, fine. You are worse than a rapist! What? ( music fades up ) Real quick, man. How much for
the mannequin head? The bald one. Uh, three dollars. Are you selling like faulty mannequin
heads? I've never seen one that cheap. How, how can it be
faulty? It's a mannequin. Dude, I'm just trying to buy
a mannequin head. That's all. I don't, I don't need an
attitude behind the... I'm just... I saw 'em from outside. I'm
into it. I, I, I have a thing... about the mannequ--
that's my business. Okay. I'm trying
to give you money. You can have it for five. Dude, what is your problem?
What's the attitude about, man? No attitude. I'm sensing attitude. I don't know. Uh-- Sorry, man, I just got
some things going on, Jeez. Like what things? You need
to get some stuff off your chest? You want to talk about it
before you make a sale? I got some girl problems. What kind of girl problems?
What are your problems? Well, I don't think
I should go into it. I don't think I needed to explain why I
wanted the mannequin head but I had to. All right, I got this girl. I
want to break up with her. She's crazy. Tell you whatcha do. Next time
she eats bacon -- shit on her piece. Shit? Shit on her
piece of bacon. You know what that's
gonna do? What? It's gonna show her
a different side of you. She's never seen
that side. Okay? Then she's gonna say:
"Why you shit on my bacon?" Said: "Because I wanted to. I'm a man. I
do what the hell I want in this household." "No you won't. You won't
shit in my bacon." Problem. I'm done. I'm not gonna deal with a
woman that goes back and forth with me. Leave. You're out. You see
what I'm saying? Shit on the bacon. Shit on the bacon, homie. I
know what I'm talking about. I've been with a
woman for years. Okay, now, if that doesn't
work though... what should I do? There's no reason
why it shouldn't work. How many times have you
shit on somebody's bacon? None times. Exactly, so how
do you know it doesn't work? I don't. Exactly. Shit
on the bacon, man. That's your problem, you
ask too many questions. What if I can't
produce the shit? Then wait until you gotta
shit and then cook the bacon. Okay. All right? All right. I see why she's crazy. Why? Can I get the mannequin
head, man? That's it, dude. I don't take time out of my life
to drop some science on you. I don't have time. Here
you go. Here you go. I see why you don't get
good business in here. See why you don't get business. Hey, you. You're gonna look good
with the rest of them. Dress you up and call you Ethel. How much do I owe you? Just take it. You sure? Yeah. All right. Thank you. Say bye. Her name's Charlene. Not any more. ( music fades up ) Sometimes the world
Is bringing you down Down to your very knees Maybe you think well maybe Just maybe Maybe my heart Will
make the distance Maybe my heart
Won't see you through I wasn't meant To run a marathon 30 seconds and I'm through And I wonder if I should up and quit I'm rolling rolling rolling My heart around the bend Rolling rolling rolling Like it's keeping me down again Kermie. Wake up.
Breakfast in bed. Why are you dancing? My daddy's coming
over for dinner tonight. I thought he was in Spain. Barcelona. But he
just got back last night. And he's coming over today. So you, mister, need
to eat your breakfast. Because you have a big day
ahead of you. Ah, I like your beard. I like it. I like it. I like it. What is this? Bacon. Bacon. It's fake bacon. Shit on the bacon, homie. My dad's a vegetarian, so-- I like real bacon, though. You don't need real bacon
anymore because there's fake bacon. Oh, and those are some "I Can't
Believe It's Not Sausage" -- sausage. But I like to call it "fausage." Try
some. C'mon. Try it. Go ahead. Pulp? I hate pulp. Oh, I thought you liked pulp. I don't. Mmm. Okay. Mmm. It's chewy. It's good, right? No. ( hair clippers buzzing ) Chug, chug, chug, chug. Yea! CARVILLE: How was sleepin'
in the pink room last night? Pinky and the Brain. Shut up. What's wrong with you? Not in the mood. Whatever. ( door opens ) I'll give you a hundred for it. Eighty-two
in cash and the rest in quarters. Get out of here, Scoop. Come on, dude, you don't
even like baseball any more. Doesn't matter. It's my
card, I can do what I want. Then why even keep it in the
case if you're not gonna sell it? Oh, I'm not gonna
sell it to you. Doesn't mean I'm not gonna
sell it to somebody else. You're just mad because the
Orioles are the worst team in baseball. You're the worst
team in baseball. You're ugly. You're a virgin. Way
worse than being ugly. Completely irrelevant.
I sucked a boob. A boob? Yeah, probably. And you were also eating
baby food at the time. Right? No. I suck boobs all the
time. I'm a suck machine. Shouldn't you be off
somewhere doing homework? In your suit. Why are
you wearing a suit? I had a presentation
at school today. Did you present how much of a
suck machine you are to the class? God, you're such a douche.
Emphasis on the "deh." You're a suck machine.
Emphasis on the balls that you suck. Boobs. Balls. I'm coming back. I want to pawn this
engagement ring, please. That's a... big rock. How
much do you want for it? It doesn't even matter. I can't stand looking
at it anymore. I want to get rid of it. Well, uh, this isn't a pawn shop.
But. I'll give you a dollar for it. What?! That worthless jerk! No, no, no. It's fake isn't it?! Is this fake? No. He means... one
dollar for every tear he made you cry and that
still wouldn't be enough. That's... that's sweet. I know your pain. You don't even have
to tell me what happened. Cuz I know. And somehow I feel sorry. You know?
What kind of world do we live in where... a beautiful creature like
yourself... gets her heart broken? Let me guess. By what? A
professional athlete? Am I right? Yeah, football. I knew it. That's amazing. Don't ask me how I know. I just know these things. No. You must be psychic. Or like, we must have
some kind of connection. You feel that too? Huh! Y'know. I... I just... I don't
know what I'm gonna do. I don't think I'll ever
be able to get over this. Don't cry. No. I
feel so betrayed. And you should. You know? But I
would never do that to you. You know why? Because it's not because I don't have the
options, you know, to lead to those problems. It's because I don't have the
money... that those options have. That is so sweet. I'm gonna take you out. And we're not gonna care about whatever
that... basketball player did to you -- Football. Football. Basketball. Whatever that
barely-passing-that-SAT-chump did. We're not even gonna think about
him. Okay? Because I don't play games. Unless it's Connect Four. And I would
never play Connect Four with your heart. Y'know... maybe that
is exactly what I need. A fat, old poor man
with a really good heart. Yeah. Maybe. Y'know, this is turning out to
be a real serendipitous day. I mean -- wow! Like my luck is
changing. Y'know, I'm gonna change. Because... you've inspired me. Can I inspire you
for your... your name? My name is Sandy. Hello, Sandy. Hi. I'm Carville. And that's James. I'm gonna take this
ring from you. Okay? Okay. You know, cuz, love is
more important than a ring anyway. It is. You have -- Can I just
trouble you for your phone number? How we gonna go out like if I
don't have your number? Y'know? This is Sandy.
That's my area code. We're gonna have so much fun. Okay. Oh. Yeah. You
know what I'm gonna do? Give you a receipt. Okay. Hold on. Let me give this
to you right there. Receipt. You take this.
Guess what that is? It's my heart. Oh. Be gentle. Be gentle. That is... You know, you are the
most adorable grown man I have ever ever met. You're like a little
boy... in a big ol' body. I'm trapped. Get me out.
I'm trapped. Get me out. Sandy, help me. Help me get out. Bye, Sandy. Bye. Don't forget your pocketbook. Oh, sorry. Bye. I'm trapped. I can't get out. Nurture. Boom. That's how you do
it. Bam. You close. You get in. Bow! ( music fades up ) ( music continues ) Hey James, could you
close up for me tonight? I gotta go to the
mall before it closes. I'm gonna go to a
dinner/club with Jeff tonight. And if I run late, he calls the police
station and reports me missing. Wow. Thanks. What are
you gonna do tonight? I am... having dinner with Kim and
her father, who I never met before. Wow. Mm-mm. Not excited about it. Well, look on the bright side, I mean,
if, ah, father of the bride approve, you know, you're... you're in
there, man. You're part of the fam. I don't want to be
part of any family. All right. Well. Good luck. Bad luck. ( door closes ) SCOOP (O.S.): Hey, loser?! Still no on the card, Scoop. Trade. No. No trades. Come on, you back catcher. I'll
give you twice what the card's worth. Twice ain't enough.
Okay? Get out of here. You're making the biggest
mistake of your life... or week. Biggest mistake of your week. Okay. You really want that card? Are boobs made for sucking? Ow. Fine. Give me your soul. My what? Your soul. My... my soul? Yep. I don't-- I don't understand. What do you need my soul for? Come here. It's really-- I don't know why you
would want my soul. I don't understand
what's going on. Give me your soul and
I'll give you this card. All or half? All, who would want half a soul? Okay. All right, deal. Wow, really? That easy? Yeah. That card is worth a soul. And besides, rappers
do it all the time. Yeah, well, rappers sell their soul for
money and bitches -- not baseball cards. What are you saying? I'm saying. Go home. Right
now. And I won't tell your mom you tried to sell your
soul for a baseball card. But. I just... I... Uhh... I just... bought... Go. Mother. What? What? Yeah. Thought so. Yeah. God! ( clears throat ) Mister James. Please don't call me that. I had
a teacher named Mister James. Didn't like him very much.
You can call me James. You got somethin'
against teachers? No. No. I like teachers. Except for the
kids. And I love kids. Not in a sexual way though. You know, like,
pla... platonic love. Are you having sex
with my daughter? KIM (V.O.): You guys
ready for some fasauge? Mmm. So, Mister Sweet. What
were you doing in Barcelona? I saw this movie called
"Vicky Christina Barcelona." Oh yeah. I saw that movie -- It's about a gentleman who has a
threesome with two beautiful women. I thought I could get
lucky. Uno. Dos. Tres. Tres? Correct-amundo. Well, did you... get lucky? No, unless you consider
a foursome lucky. You're kidding, right? He's kidding. So is that why they call you Mister Sweet?
I thought your last name was Johnson? It is. But let's just
say, long of the short: I killed a man
with a candy cane. Why didn't you just
kill him with kindness? Less blood that way. You know,
you being a... vegetarian and all. I don't mind blood. Yeah, I don't mind blood either.
The more blood the better, I say. You say that? I... I said it just now.
Might say it again one day. You ever killed a woman, James? Cheers. You look so vulnerable
when you're asleep. Vulnerable as in... as
in what? Easy to kill? No. Easy to love. I feel like... ...I have your heart
right here in my hand. Like I just ripped out --
ripped it out of your chest. And it's right here just...
beating. Bump bump. Bump bump. Bump bump. That's not love... that's
the Temple of Doom. Okay. So it's our love temple, and we'd be doomed
without each other. I'm not worth a full dozen? KIM: Eight, nine... ten. Kim... KIM: Rapist! I think I should tell you something
before this goes any further. What is it? Uh... I don't love you. I just
kind of like you a little bit. That's okay. That's okay.
You don't have to be afraid of it. You don't have
to be afraid of it. But I'm not afraid of... it. I'm afraid of... you. And the crazy way
you're talking right now. I'm just crazy in love, James. We're going to be
together forever. Uh, I don't want to
be... together... forever. I do. I don't. I... do. KIM: Hurry! It's getting cold! What? Is it too hot? Is it too cold? No. Is it just so good you
can't keep it in your mouth? No. Just... Just what? Honestly? You
really want to know? Honestly. It tastes like shit. Like actual shit. Like you put a spoonful
of shit in my oatmeal and mixed it around. You don't have to be afraid. I'm afraid that you might
have put... shit in my oatmeal. But. You wouldn't do that. No.
You wouldn't, you wouldn't put... animal or... human feces
in my oatmeal would you? That's right, James. Shit. Why would you do that? That's what are relationship
is going to taste like if we don't commit to making
it the best it can be right now. Seriously, Kim. What
did you put in there? I'm just going to have to be
more proactive with my efforts. So are you saying I just had
shit in my mouth? Really? Wow. You know what? JAMES: Shit. I'm glad we had this talk. Break up? Break up? I mean, if that's what you want, we can totally do that. You know, we'll obviously
still be roommates, though. We'll still live
together. Of course. Wow. I knew you would
be, like, good about this. I knew you would
be great about this. You know what? What? I think I'm done
feeling you out. What does that mean? Middle C. Right there. Okay. So, there's
eighty-eight keys. There's a rapper
named eighty-eight keys. All right. But this
a piano so... Okay. There's -- that's the
middle of it. Cool. So you can put your hand here. And there's...
an octave so... it... an octave's eight. ( door opens ) Okay. "Oc." Eight. Right? Yeah. So C-to-C. There's one, two... Hey. Hey. Okay. So it goes... C... CARVILLE/LEONA:
... D... E... F... G -- LEONA: No wait.
Don't, don't sing. Just... A... B... F... G... No wait. Shh. Do you hear that? Yo, he just called her Miss
Piggy. Oh, he's get... finally. Oh, shoot. Let's see. Gross. Get a close up. JAMES: Oh, Kim. LEONA: Ooh. Gross. I know. JAMES: Keep it right there. KIM: Ah! Ah! LEONA: Ew. CARVILLE:
That's disgusting. LEONA That's really gross. KIM: James! CARVILLE: Why's
he making that noise? JAMES: Wait.
No, no, no! Don't... Don't touch me right
there. Don't touch... KIM: Ahhh! JAMES: Ahhh! Ahh! He's losin' the battle. How long was I? Ten minutes? He's done? That
quick? Oh my god. Oh, by the way. We have
to be at Shauna's at 8:00. So I'll pick you
up at 7:30. Okay? But. Hey. Haaaaay! Wait. Kim. Kim. Kim. What? What's going on? I thought we were still
gonna talk about breaking up. No. What do you mean no? No, I don't want to break up. Why... not? Because. I just gave you my
born-again virginity. Born-again virginity. Yes. What is that? After every relationship
I get born again. What is that, like,
formatting your hard drive? Yeah. I guess so. Well, I... I... I still think
we should break up. Honestly? Yeah. What? Oh, my god.... What? Af... after what I just
gave you?! Ah god! Shhh. Shhh. No! No! No! Kim. Stop stop stop. Come on. Shhh. No!... Ah! Oh! Uh! No! It's gonna suck so
much when you die! Excuse me. What? I never told you... what
happened to all my ex boyfriends. They lived happily ever after? They all disappeared. Maybe they're just...
hiding from you. Maybe someone killed them. And then chopped their
bodies into tiny little pieces. What's that crazy
look in your eyes? It's love, James. It's the same love that made
my mother die from loneliness. Eighty-proof loneliness. But alcohol... alcohol
isn't the answer, James. What's the uh...
what's the answer? Straight up street violence. What? I was joking. I can't... I can't hear you. I was... joking. You're joking? You're joking? Oh my god! You just saved
your life! You have no idea. From now on I'm not gonna
take anything you say seriously. You're always joking. You're
always joking. Joking. Joking. That's all. Okay. Well, okay, well, I'll bring you a
different shirt later. I'll pick you up at 7:30, okay? Okay. All right. I love you. I miss you. This all your fault!
You know that! Straight up street violence! If you had ovaries I'd be
afraid for your future children. If you had any heart you have came
and smacked her around a little bit. Now look, what I need is to
get out... of this relationship without the occurrence of any
physical confrontation. That's all I need. Dude. You need...
and exit strategy. Because unless Osama Ben Laden
is hiding in that girl's va-jay-jay-- you gotta get away. Am I right? You're right. I need to
bring the troops home. Bring 'em home. By "troops" I mean...
my manhood. Exactly. Hol... hold on. Wait.
Do you guys hear that? What? That's the sound
of brain cells dying because that was the dumbest
thing I've ever heard in my life. Whatever. You guys
are being dumb-asses. Whatever. You can listen
to her, you can listen to me. It's your choice. Okay. KIM: Awww! What? Nothing. I just imagined you saying that you were
thinking about what our kids would look like. You imagined me saying that? Mm-huh. And our wedding too. You said you wanted all
of our families to be there. All of our friends.
Well, except Carville. And then you said we'd go to Paris
and make love under the Eiffel Tower. And then go to Barcelona and embrace
under every landmark for 15 minutes. And then you whispered in my
ear: "I want to have you inside me."... And I was like "What!"
"That's impossible." You were like "I know
that's impossible." "But I still want it. I
just love your soul" You can be so
romantic sometimes. You know... imaging me say something doesn't
really count as me saying it. Right? Oh, I did good on one. Oh! You know what? James?
James can help you. James?! Oh. Come on. Help Shauna,
ah, get the China globes up here. Okay? Yeah, he'll help
you. He's tall enough. Perfect. And then... what
about our candles? The candles... You know what?
I was thinking about doing... I don't know. What do you think? I think so. I think that's
what I do for the pool. But you also might want to get some like
tea candles. Like the really small ones. Oh, that's romantic.
To set the table. It would go nice with like the sun
going down and every thing else. Maybe we could get James to help
clean some of this stuff out the pool. Yeah. He can do that. I
haven't gotten around to it. He can take care of that.
That's what he's here for. Good. Good. The
more the merrier. So these need to go up here.
Hurry up with that. And we'll be good. I'm so excited to get those up. I wanted to get
those up forever. If you could just, you
know, kind of... you're tall. We'll just... There's only two. Cheers! Absolutely.
It's time for a toast. KIM: Cheers! RODNEY: One, two, three... SHAUNA: Come on. Get it up. RODNEY: Get in there. Woah! Uh-oh. Little tipsy. You guys are my heroes. I want to come here every week because I love each and
every one of your faces. As you should. That's not the rum talkin'. That's this guy talkin'. That's right. Whoooo-yeah! Ha! Yeah, buddy! I didn't think I liked
you at first, but... because it was the
vest. Well, the vest thing. It was the vest thing.
It was the vest thing. Oh. But you have
grown on me my friend. Do you guys like the shirt
that I... that I bought Jay? I knew you picked that out.
You have such great taste. I know. KIM That's awesome. Next week I'm wearing purple. That's so great. We picked out our outfit too. I knew that. Doesn't James
look great in pink? Those little purple, um, salt
shakers and pepper shakers... We're wearing pink together. Oh, nice. RODNEY: The tequila
melts it's hot in here. JAY: So hot in here.
Or is it vodka? Or rum? I can't remember which. We had it all. We
can't remember. It doesn't matter. It's good.
Getting' the job done, yeah? TANNY: Yeah, he might
need to be cut off actually. Ah, come on. That is
what date night is for. This is a special punch. SHAUNA: No, no, no, no....
RODNEY: I will walk home... TANNY: Um. No you
will not. You will not. SHAUNA: When you work
hard all week you deserve it. RODNEY: Thank you. KIM: That's true. I agree. I will sleep here. I will sleep on a
raft on the pool. No, he will not. I
will sleep on the pool. Baby, you can pick
me up tomorrow. Play Station, me and you.
Play Station next week, honey. Play Station. Game night. Play Station. Let's do it. Come on, James. Play Station. James, you need
another drink there, man? You look good in pink. Doesn't he? That's
what I tell him all the time He needs to wear more pink. So we can match together. Why are you laughing?
Just play along. I know Rodney's
having a good time. Rodney just looked at me-- Now you're talking. Oh, all right. I'll
cheers to that. Hey! Hey! Cheers to the house. Hey! Hey! I'm out. Where's he going? Is he joking? I think it might have
been the tequila. He left his shoes again. I'm so sorry, you guys. That was-- I mean-- Kim, when I... stormed out
of the party... back there... I wasn't... storming out of... our relationship. You know. Just the party.
We're still cool right? I mean, you're worried about
everybody that you're Tweetin' and BBM'n' and they're not even you're
friends in real life. Like, duh. Come on. Y'know what? You're so
cute right now. You're jealous. I have so many followers. ( phone rings ) I don't get it. Follow
you where? What is that? You're a Quaker. Right. I'm a Quaker. And
you're a techno whore. Stuff Shop. This is Leona. Now that is the
posture of a guy with... ... no whip cream in
his chocolate pudding. What are you doin'?
Back door was open. Get out. You're not
getting that card, Scoop. Woah-woah-ho-hey. Get out. Let's just concentrate on
one thing at a time here. I heard about
your, uh, situation. What situation? That girl you're living with
so you're not homeless. Uh, duh, I was eavesdropping
on your friends the other -- Get out. Hey, I can help you out. I can get her to
break up with you. Get out. Come on, dude. I don't have any
after-school activities. Well, she wouldn't break up with
me any way. Why would she do that? Huh. Girls do it all the
time. They, they break up with a guy that they
thought was "the one." Just as soon as they find
out that he's not "the one." So, all we gotta do is convince
her that you're not... "the one." ( music fades up ) JAMES (V.O.): Honey, I'm home. KIM (V.O.): You're late. What happened to you? I went to a strip club after
work and... sucked some boobs. And... got a lap dance.
Couple lap dances. Oops! Wow. Busted. What is that? Looks like I've been
having safe sex. A lot of it, too. And don't be fooled by just the
one condom. I used a lot of them. Some I used twice. I doubled
up. You don't believe me? You're such a bad liar. That's good though. That's a
good quality to have in a spouse. I'm not lying. I had sex... with a
stripper. In a strip club. What was the stripper's name? Strawberry Banana... Yogurt? Was her best friend
there? Rainbow Sherbet? Was it Mint Chocolate Chip? Man, what? I love
strawberry banana yogurt. It's all I could think of. Your favorite dessert
is all you could think of? At least you didn't
say rainbow sherbet. Or mint chocolate chip. You should have said cinnamon or like peaches and cream. Ooh. Peaches and cream. That sounds more
like a dynamic duo of strippers though. Like Batman and Robin
-- Peaches and Cream. Crime-fighting strippers. That could like
a TV show, like... "Peaches and Cream.
Coming up next on HBO." That would be a
hot TV show. Yeah. Nipple tassels. I would love it. LEONA: Oh, my god. Your boyfriend.
You. Office. Now. That little stunt you had me pull
didn't work. She didn't believe me. Did you pull the empty
condom wrapper trick? This is bad. That's interesting. It's not interesting.
It's bad. Okay? I'm getting my advice
from a kid. A suck machine. Woah-woah-woah. Hey-hey-hey-hey. First thing I learned from
watching Gossip Girls is that women are irrational. Big word. Can you spell it? ( door opens ) And when dealing
with irrational people, you have to be
even more irrational. You gotta... think
outside the box. Why don't, why don't you
think outside this store. Well, if it's, gonna be
a problem then I'll, uh, just have to take my
services elsewhere. You should do that. I-R-R-A-T-I-O-N-A-L. Nice. You watch Gossip Girls? Yes, I do. And I can help
you. You just gotta... trust me. But first I'm gonna need that
Cal Ripken Jr. rookie card. No way. Uh-uh. I've got this. I've got this. ( music fades up ) ( girls laughing ) Oh, my gosh. Oh, that's too funny. Hey! Good to-- Hey. Dad. You're just in time
to get your nails done. Who's this? This is, this is Yinny. Right? Uh-huh. Apparently, I'm her new mother. Um, her old one was killed in a freak --
was it a hyena and a wolverine attack? And a barracuda. And a barracuda. Wow,
that is so heartbreaking. I don't get it. Is this some
kind of joke or something? What? You mean, you don't remember impregnating
a girl when you were twelve years old? Nuhhhhh... Ohhhhh. Yes. Wow. I was thirteen. Why don't you come join us
on the couch? Sit on down. You must be tired
from working all day. Yes. Long day. You can get a little closer.
You know. We won't bite you. Okay. Hehhhh. She looks just like me. That's what everybody...
I see the resemblance. Wow. So. Yi...
Yinny is your name? Dad. Stop it. You know my name. Don't call me that. You're gonna have to... you're
gonna have to move in with us. Yeah. Yeah. Right? Yep. And since I won't be around, you're gonna
be her new mommy. How about that? Kim? Of course. What? What? I've always wanted
to have your children. I mean, I didn't know it
was going to be so soon. Uh. That hurt. Stop. But um... of course I'll help
you raise your daughter. Okay. What? Okay. Um, this is awkward. I can't like really be your daughter
'cause I kind of have a mother already. Yeah. Um... and if I don't get home
before curfew, she's gonna be pissed. Look. I tried. Okay? Sorry. Really? A barracuda? Yeah. Scoop said you would pay me. Do you even know what
a barra... barracuda is? That's not the point. Okay?
They attack all the time. How much? Fifty bucks. Oh, my god. Yeah. Because that's the
price of my Justin Bieber tickets. You're a little scam
artist. That's what you are. Whose mom gets eaten
by a barracuda, really? It could happen. It
could totally happen. Better be exact, too. Doin' you dirty work. Come on. It's all I got. Here, take
this. Take it. Get out of here. Dude. I don't do
piggy banks. Keep it. Thanks for the snack. KIM: Oh, you're
welcome, sweetie. YINNY: Well. I guess
I'll just let myself out. Scoop. Ahh. What was that? Crazy people. Don't... don't don't let... crazy
people in the house, man. She could have
axe-murdered us both. Tails we break up.
Heads we stay together. Heads. We're
together -- forever. How about... best
two out of three? Nope. I said no! It's heads. Shoot. You are never getting that Cal
Ripken Jr rookie card. Never. Dude, chill out. No. I will not chill out.
Okay? You douche bag! Okay. Look. I... I heard about
what happened last night. I'm... I'm sorry. Okay? I'm
sure that was gonna work. Yeah. And you owe
me 50 bucks for that. Okay. JAMES: You suck, bitch. This is all just part
of... trial and error. Now we know what doesn't work
and now we can figure out what does. Your schemes -- I'm done with them.
They don't work. Okay? I'm giving up. CARVILLE: Look at
you. LEONA: What? I'm hurt that you
would say that. You're really giving up? Guys like us don't give up... I mean, where would middle earth have
been if Frodo and his friends just gave up? What sort of country would
we live in if Jack Bower didn't defend countless
terrorist attacks on American soil? You can't give up, man. Cuz if you do, all those...
crazy women running around... who should be in
mental institutions, but their just so... frickin'
hot that they're just not. They're just gonna
have another win. We gotta teach these
crazy hot chicks a lesson. Amen. You gotta hang in there, man. I don't know what to do. Dude, okay. I have a plan. It's
a little risky... but I think it'll work. Crazy bitches. Crazy bitches. Come on. Put your hand down. Let's do it. Crazy bitches. Yes. Reverse psychology. Reverse Psychology. It has to be like the
worst proposal of all time. Genius. All time. Don't listen to them. Why not? Because. What if she says yes? She's not gonna say yes, cuz
it's gonna be a crap proposal. No. That's crazy. Look. Why
don't you just... talk with her? Be honest. Tell
her how you feel. That would be gay. Really gay. Yeah. They're right. What
are you trying to make us gay with all your gay talk? You guys are being idiots.
Stuff Shop. This is Leona. Can you untie this? Why? Because I want you to take me. Take you where? No. Take my body. Can I... can I just take
you to the movies instead? No. What are you doing? I
don't want to take your body. Ah just... take it
just a... little bit. No. It's my time of the
month. I can't do that. Come on, you joker.
Make me feel like a woman. I think we should break up. I
think you should break up with me. Why would I want to do that?
You're the greatest boyfriend ever. No, thanks. But I don't
want to be.. though -- for you. Ah! Miss Piggy
loves her little Kermit. Ah! C'mon, Kim.
We're not compatible. Uh! Good and evil
aren't supposed to mate. Enter me. Right now. No, Kim. No. Why not? Because. Because what? Because... Kim.... Because we have
to get married. Right? Did... did you say married? Yeah. I did. Hi. Is Leona here? Leona? Are you Mister Rogers? Yes. It's a beautiful day, isn't it? Sure. In the neighborhood? I guess. Can I ask you a question? Yeah. How does it feel to be... so old
and dating somebody so young? That huge age gap difference. It feels fine. Why? Age
is just a number anyway. Okay. So have you found that being...
sixty and dating uh... twenty year old... is better than being married,
having kids, being loved? I'm 45. Besides, I already
did the whole family thing. Uh. It's my choice to
date twenty-year-olds. And that's... that's
a good thing? Yeah. I'm happy. Hey. Hey. Yeah. We'll see you tonight. Tonight? Your engagement party. Oh, yeah. That. No.
Probably won't go to that. I was thinking about jumping
off of a bridge after work. Cry me a river, George
Bailey. I'll see you later. Yep. I'll leave you in my will. JAMES: Kim. Kim. Look. I always knew
this was gonna happen. I just... thought it would be
with somebody more attractive. Y'know what I look forward to? You waiting on me
hand and foot, like... I heard that's like a law
when you get married. That'll be fun. How do you feel about polygamy? We'll talk about it later. Huh.
I'm gonna try... really really hard... not to cheat on you. That much. Not that
much. Minimal. Minimal. So. Here we go. Kim. You can make me... the happiest
man... kinda happy -- not really... in the world right now... by... excepting my... blah blah blah. Marriage proposal.
Will you marry me? Stuff like that? All that crap? Whatever. Yes. I... what? I'll marry you. No, no. That's not what
you're supposed to say. Hello? Hello? May I
speak to Kim? This is Kim. How you doing, Kim? This is Big
Boy from Big Boy's Neighborhood. KIM: This is who? This is Big Boy from
Big Boy's Neighborhood. We have a friend
of yours down here. KIM: Oh. Okay. All righty, yeah. Your
"friend" James is here. KIM: James? Yes. KIM: He's not my "friend."
James is my fiancé. Hi, Kim. Right -- oh. See, I didn't
know this. James is your fiancé. Oops! I forgot to
mention that. My bad. BIG BOY: I didn't know that you... you
guys were engaged and this was your fiancé, but he came down to the neighborhood -- we
were on air talkin' about relationships -- and... he made sure
he came in to tell us... that... he's no longer
happy with the relationship. He doesn't want to marry you. KIM: Is this a joke? BIG BOY: No, honey.
This isn't a joke. He really had us call you to let you
know that he's done. FUZZY: For real. KIM: I don't know who you
guys are or who put you up to this. BIG BOY: James is here. KIM: I'm not buying
it. JAMES: Kim. Kim. Kim, James is here.
Say hello to her. Hello, Kim. Hi. KIM: Kermie. Ker --
no -- what, what? No. BIG BOY: He don't want you
to call him "honey" anymore. LIZ: I think he doesn't
want you to be upset. KIM: So why would I
get upset? Because I... he got evicted
from his apartment... and begged to stay with
me and so I let him. And I... Rebound. KIM: I cook for him... and clean for him. And now
he's calling me on the radio... in front of everybody to say that he
doesn't want to be with me anymore? But you know what? He
still wants you to cook... KIM: Why would I be upset? He
still wants you to cook and clean. And he still wanna stay on the
couch. He just don't want to be engay... he don't wanna be in a, uh, a
relationship with you anymore. FUZZY: Roommate. Not mate. JAMES: Exactly. KIM: Yeah. That's
not gonna work. Liz. Are you there?
Yeah. I'm here. KIM: Y'know, this is so typical. Do you know how
when you meet a guy and he pretends to be prince
charming in the beginning. He's wining you. He's dining
you. He's taking you out... LIZ: Did you do that?
KIM: and all this stuff. JAMES: Maybe a little bit.
KIM: Spends all of his money. And then you find out in the end that it
was all just, you know, it was pretend. He was faking it. Well... yeah. Who does that? Right. James does that. KIM: And then
now you know the... Well, you know what? Just,
just, just in a nutshell, Kim, uh, he doesn't want
to be with you anymore. He wants it to be over. He still
wants you to cook and clean for him. If he, if possible he would like to have the
linen changed on the sofa tonight. He's done. What?! And he said he don't want
you to be physical with him anymore. KIM: You know
what the problem is? The problem is you.
He's just afraid of intimacy. No. The problem is
him. The problem... She said no. You know, I listen
to your show... KIM: all the time. And I've
been a really really big fan -- and if you don't mind my
quoting you guys. It's just... relationships are all about, you know,
loving each other past your mistakes. And... that's what, you
know, I've tried to do. Like I know I'm not
perfect and he's not perfect. But. He's told me he got intimacy issues.
And I'm willing to love him past that. And I still love him
despite all of that, you know. BIG BOY: You can't
even say it. Right. So... LIZ: Does it, I mean -- is it crazy
to you that he's saying anything to kinda get out
of this relationship? KIM: You know what I think is crazy
is that he's just so afraid to be in love. You warned me.
Why didn't I listen? Nobody listens.
Everybody rushes. Where's old man river? Uhm... he dumped me. Yeah. He was like, uhm, you
should find someone your own age. You should settle
down, start a family. That kind of
stuff. It was weird. Wow. What? All this time I didn't realize what
was right in front of me until now. What are you talking about? Are you drunk? Oh! Oh god! James! Sorry. Sorry. Oh, no. What the
hell is wrong with you? What's goin' on? I just kissed Leona. LEONA: God. Dude, on the lips? Yeah. Dude. Y'know how many penises
been on these bad boys, man? What? Shut up. Only two. Right. Stop. Right. Yeah.
Too many. Come on. Whatcha thinkin'? Sorry. He tried the whole 80's movie "I'm really in love with my
platonic girlfriend move." No. LEONA: What is that? Ugh. Yeah. Oh, god. I can't go through
with this. I can't. LEONA: Well,
maybe you could run. She'll find me. Ah, too
late. Here she comes. What are you doing out
here? Everybody's inside. Leona. Kiss me. LEONA Oh god... Oh god. CARVILLE Let me make
it look real. Let me get in. Freakin' freaks! It'll look believable. Don't
push me. It'll look believable. Hey. I like it. Come on. Me, too. This feels good. Uh-uh... stop, stop, stop, stop! Let me get a little
bit. Dude. Really? What's wrong? I'm sorry. I'm
sorry. I apologize. Kim. Come here. He didn't even say sorry to me. I didn't know you
were into that, baby. I'm not. You
should have told me. I'm not into that,
Kim. Seriously. Stop. What? I think that you deserve a guy that wants the same
thing as you want: marriage, kids, true happiness. But you make me happy. What? Right now I might, but... like in the long run, I won't. You don't know that. You're right. I don't. But, like, we want
different things in life. That's okay.
Differences are good. It gives us stuff to
talk about. Right? On the surface, yeah. Maybe. But as a couple, not wanting
the same things is bad. It can lead to unhappiness. So what do you want, James? Uh.... I don't know. I just, I know that I don't
want to be sixty and unhappy, because that'll lead to
unhappy breakfasts... and oatmeal with shit in it. Well, can't we just work on it? I don't want to work on it. Wow, that sounded bad. Maybe I should have just told
you all this in the beginning. Yeah. You should have. I'm sorry. Tails. What's that? What's that mean? It's over between us, James. Over? BIG BOY: You are now...
you -- I'm gonna do this for you. You are now anointed
a single man, James. And probably homeless, too.
Can I can I say something? If I end up missing, uh...
Kim is the one to arrest. Ah, okay. There it is. So
if you come up missing, we'll make sure that Kim goes
to jail. You're really scared of her. Don't change the door
locks, love. He's coming home. Yeah. He's coming home. And
make sure that you go ahead and put those pillows together for
him so he can sleep on that couch. See you later, roomy. It's a beautiful day in the
neighborhood. Big Boy's Neighborhood. Big Boy! KIM (V.O.): Seeing you with my
daddy the way we ate dinner like a family. It felt good. Are you having
sex with my daughter? I haven't felt that way
since my mom past away. I do. Bump bump.
I do. Bump bump. Bump bump. I do. I love you. No! KIM (V.O.): I...do. Are you gonna go in? Or
are you just going to sit here? KIM (V.O.): I do. I do. I do. I do. "I just love your soul." I...do. It's chore day! Come on! KIM (V.O.): We don't... I do.
... sleep late and watch football. It's chore day! Seriously. You're always
joking. You're always... joking. Joking. Joking. Joking. ( steps approaching ) You're right. My mother was unhappy. And it's not because
my father left her, it's because she
didn't love herself. I can see how hard it was
for my dad to live with that. And I don't want to be with someone
who was unhappy with himself. I know. What you said, telling me the truth no
matter how much it hurt... it meant a lot. Thanks. I don't know, sometimes I just
worry about ending up alone, so I guess it makes me,
uh, a little aggressive. A little? Yeah, I'm sorry. Yeah, I'm sorry, too. Really sorry. Kind of sorry. I'm sorry. So, where are you gonna go? Uh, I'd say Barcelona, but I can't afford that. You could sell your TV? That's not funny. I guess you could sleep on
my couch until you find a place. Really? After all that? Don't make me flip the coin. I'm just saying, are you sure? Because I don't want to impose. What are you doing? No! ( music fades up ) I'm so tired of being broke It's hard enough being alone To weather the storm I'm so sorry I let you down If only I knew the way To get ourselves out Are you been good Or are you kind? Are we one Or are
we one big divide But remember please We are lucky I don't know why I get so sad I guess it feels
like Guys gone mad And there's no escape I try and do just what I can To help my fellow man out But it's not enough Are you been good
Or are you kind Are we one Or are
we one big divide But remember this We are lucky Lah lah lah lah Lah lah lah lah Lah lah lah lah We're so lucky Lah lah lah lah Lah lah lah lah Lah lah lah lah Lah lah lah lah We're so lucky. Are you been good Or are you kind Are we one Or are
we one big divide But remember please We are lucky
