Hit By Lightning FULL MOVIE - RomCom, Drama

[Music] all my life i had been looking for my prince you know someone deep something sweet who could make me laugh ashley and me talked on the phone all night and i totally cracked her up with my witty jokes and funny noises and then we finally met and right from the very first second our chemistry was like hello and we're both really sensitive uh we got this kind of artsy fartsy thing going so one day we made a painting everything we do together is fun [ __ ] you dylan and ashley [Music] beautiful people looking for one another but baby i'm a simple man [Music] you're gonna [Music] rock know world around you you never never ever ever [Music] oh hey oh hey we've been over this before you can't smoke in debbie's nah man i think you can uh i'm i'm the manager here i'm fairly well versed in the rules uh come on buddy put it down don't you ever bend the rules no corporate puppet [Music] how's your food saturday night we're gonna do it we are gonna do it getting paid and laid tonight baby paid and laid i i don't even know what that means it means what we want it to mean okay it means what we want it to mean you dig uh no i don't dig ricky what is with you come on quit being such a buzzkill now grab your [ __ ] put on some socks cause we're gonna do this town up and do it right senorita peyton light we're doing it how exactly are we doing it oh i don't know numero uno hogg got you out of the house so there's that w's a w i'm back where i work it's a lateral move at best all right well look that's just round one of the festivities you're not gonna believe round two ricky ricky ricky you're not gonna believe round two please stop repeating things please so when do you go into production really really not in the mood nuke when you go into production next month great so you go into production on your motion picture next month is it fully cast yet no no it is it is not fully cast yet we're still uh we're still looking for our our two uh uh lead actresses wow well just fantastic that's just that's just super that's just deluxe now do they have to be well known or do they have to be okay they have to be well known these actresses no no we're actually looking for two total newcomers this makes me happy as the film's director because i like working with fresh faces so uh me too uh as the movie's executive producer amen uh ah i can't work saturday can i get a double next week oh sure not fun yeah you know what these broken down phillies are just gonna get in the way of round two anyhow round two baby round two doing it long doing it strong maybe we should just shoot each other hey you seem a bit down man what up bug it's saturday night and i'm with you not for long baby not for long so when are you going to production gary kless is getting married i just got the invitation yeah me too who cares oh what's that the actresses don't need to be fresh faces that leaves just you and me just you and me we are the only two freaks from high school to never be married can i ask you a question how the hell do you even know that i keep track on facebook and twitter god gary is so lucky man oh that's weird you know i i thought that you get your period at the end of the month men shouldn't be jealous of other men getting married men should be jealous of us oh i strongly disagree jesus is this why you've been captain negativo all night cause that fat bastard gary kless is getting married there was this guy on dr phil who said that it's as likely for a woman over 40 to be hit by lightning or or killed by a terrorist than meet a husband what if the same thing goes for men what if gary just got lucky and he made a pact with god and or satan you watch dr phil i can't go to another one of these weddings alone it's just too depressing you're not gonna be going alone okay man you're gonna be going with me that's not comforting what is wrong with you haven't you seen wedding crashers come on all those losers in our class are married off we're gonna be cleaning up bigger than owen wilson and vinnie vaughn hot philly three o'clock i forgot my compass she's right over there look okay that girl was 17 tops so what means she's single you'd have sex with an underage girl i'm not a monster no i take her out for cookies and milkshakes until the day she turned 18 and then plough sorry i misjudged you i should have proposed to roz when we were together you dated her in high school i i had no idea there were so few good ones after that nobody tells you that it's like it's like in hockey you know when your team makes it to the finals and loses everybody says hey you know don't worry we'll get them next year you know what if there is no next year what if there's no other raws and i'd never make it to the stanley cup finals of love ever again okay if you hadn't mentioned hockey there that would have been the gayest thing i've ever heard come on man get your game face on d.o.g we got a wedding to crash first of all we were invited second of all all of our friends are married there are no single women what about the she's 17. we don't know that for a fact gee would you okay you know what just i'm go i'm going in i'm going in please god help me find my soul mate before i'm hit by lightning or killed by a terrorist [Music] oh hey kings one i had a boy kopitar oh three goals and two assists you're on fire nhl.com has pop-up ads for e-happily what the hell they never have before um [Music] [Music] you have no responses yeah hey man hey jorge uh just checking the the hockey scores what's up uh i'm gonna need next saturday off too i'm getting married what yeah i know uh my mother she's been on my case you're 27 you bum what are you waiting for 27 really isn't that old so can i have saturday off or what no what oh i'm i'm sorry i i meant yes of course of course jorge uh where did you meet her who your bride uh where did you meet her yeah happily man it's surprisingly effective [Music] you have one response [Music] you found your wife yep last night you went cruising without me um we've never cruised and i didn't have to go anywhere found her on my computer oh what porn site wasn't a porn e happily i joined last week you mean you joined it um i don't think i was being cryptic i joined to eat happily last week to meet my soul mate and it worked poor sweet crazy bastard you i have never been more sane this woman is perfect for me perfect oh she loves all the same things i do hockey cats uh albert brooks movies uh uh spooning after sex all right whatever what does she look like i don't know oh and you should see the emails that she wrote to me up funny smart sweet whoa whoa whoa hold on just back up hold the phone what do you mean you don't know what she looks like shouldn't post a picture for some reason well that's a real puzzler it's cause she's a dude she's a dude ricky or she looks like a dude no that's listen hoggy dog there's only one reason that a woman wouldn't post pictures because god bless her she's obviously hideous no there's a million reasons that she might not post a picture there's one one she looks like shrek oh you know what and so what if she does did you learn nothing from that movie it's what's inside that counts yeah in fairy tales you idiot not real life their name is danita what a beautiful name i've never heard that name before danita sheridan dan eda like dan like that's your last like dan eda can't you just be happy for me all right come on look you've never even met this person i am tomorrow night i'm uh meeting her at the black cat for drinks don't do this okay please ricky don't do this i have to seth anita is my destiny okay you might want to bring a condom for dan just in case shut up what the hell was that in your head what are you doing here i'm here for backup dog you know in case this dude tries to rob you will you please stop calling her a dude why are you wearing shoe polish on your head bald is beautiful baby it's not shoe polishing and and bald is beautiful not balding true that okay i'll be here at the bar now she turns out you see i said she this time if she turns out to be a psycho just wave or cough or something like that and i'll stroll by and i'll say that uh your mother died and you're needed at the cemetery okay i'm gonna go to the table please leave hey please ricky rick you're my primo amigo come on ricky you've never met this woman before i just want to be here to make sure everything goes okay thanks man ricky ricky you you didn't you didn't say that that i'm your primo i mean i just i just said that you're my my [Music] good luck [ __ ] [Music] [Music] [Music] ricky [Music] ricky miller how do you know my name i'm danita your date oh yeah of course of course you're my date yeah unless you're expecting somebody else and you're already cheating on me you bastard no no i i would never do that okay sorry i called you a bastard it's okay you look a bit different than your picture night i mean better you too much better since you didn't have one i i i really look better than my picture yeah i i knew it was a good idea to use a picture of steve buscemi he's an offbeat looking oh no i know who he is yeah he was in fargo he was mr pink and reservoir dawn that was funny ricky steve buscemi so um are you gonna ask me to sit down no no uh keep standing this this seems to be working for me i can't believe one of your cats is named sidney crosby i told you i love hockey feel rocky and nice am i dreaming this i hope not stan we'd both be dreaming and well that would be like that movie uh inception and i walked out of that i i hated that movie too really yeah wow i thought it was the only one no no i i hated it too hated it god you know everything tonight has been so perfect could you uh uh jab me in the eye with your spoon or set my arm on fire i just want to make sure that this is really happening how about i do this holy [ __ ] um uh could you excuse me for a second um i'm just gonna slip into something more comfortable oh she is like uber movie star hot is she crazy or just [ __ ] neither she just likes me nope okay no no no no no there has to be a reason are you positive she can see like out of both eyes okay i am begging you go home you're ruining this okay okay look just just do me one favor okay if if she's [ __ ] can you see if she has any other [ __ ] friends who look like her stop saying [ __ ] it's actually offensive what are we on oprah here yeah goodbye good night good night it's very vexing dog there's got to be a reason there's a reason i thought you were going to slip into something more comfortable yeah yeah but i uh i i looked in the mirror and decided i was uh the bomb uh also uh off the hook as the kids say do kids still say that yeah kid's over 39 you're funny funny how like what do you mean funny like uh funny like a clown [Music] sorry oh my god sorry i'm just i'm trying too hard i'm nervous you're nervous with me are you [ __ ] i'm i'm sorry uh i'm sorry it's just that uh i mean you're you're gorgeous and and amazing why the hell are you here excuse me why would you choose someone like me i was just blown away by your e-happily profile but i used my real picture and i wrote down my real job can we just go back to your place now yeah uh okay um good idea thanks oh that was amazing never seen a man weep and climax at the same time before thank you it's just i've been waiting my whole life for somebody like you well exactly like you right no i'm serious you're you're smart and you're sweet and your maxim cover beautiful and it's like you don't even know it you love hockey and and cats and albert brooks and and and you get my jokes about obscure homely actors you're amazing danita you're beyond amazing you're amazing tastic well you're not too bad yourself you asked me before why i chose you do you still want to know i'm not sure you're the only one who said yes to a date yeah right yeah i didn't post a picture remember you're the only one who wanted to go out with me even though you didn't know what i looked like wow so all those sitcoms and beer commercials are wrong it does pay to have depth [Music] holy [ __ ] balls i have to go holy [ __ ] balls i like that i would love to see you again i hope you want to see me again too yeah i think i'm leaning towards that yeah sorry i have to [Music] say go to your cats when they wake up oh say hi to yours and put on espn and text me when you know the hockey scores you're incredible [Music] smile on my face [Music] [Music] i have loved him [Music] why can't you single knock like a normal person hey you haven't returned any of my calls or texts all day what the heck happened was what now don't you be coy come on i need details dog don't make me beg look i never thought i'd be living vicariously throughout unbelievable no no it was better than that we stayed in bed and talked all night it was just like dylan and ashley who the [ __ ] don't wait hold on you slept with that piece of lady you slept with her yes and it was great and i'm not even talking about the sex although holy crap that was good okay okay what the hell is going on what the hell is going what's going on she's like a 10 right well i i don't assign women numbers no she's she's a 10. that girl is a 10. you're no offense ricky you're like a four and you know if you're a four she's like a 20. it's because i went out with her without knowing what she looked like and because she thought the profile i wrote was sweet and real you're so naive it's adorable [Music] i'm sorry i couldn't meet you for dinner oh no no lunch is fine uh i look better around noon anyway not even joking about that actually it is just that nights aren't always great when i paint oh yeah yeah that is so cool yeah you know i've never actually dated an artist uh there are actually a lot of professions of which i have not dated a woman did you say of which hey ask first not a piece of meat yes you know i really i really do think that it's great that you're an artist i mean what is that like um i prefer to talk about your job why and just i'm sure it's interesting you know you manage a staff and you try to make customers happy no it actually isn't at all i you're gonna have to trust me on that then why'd you do it well i guess i prefer it to being homeless um i i okay i started out as a waiter uh thinking i'd be an artist um well a writer um but you know it didn't work out so why not uh well you know the the the book industry is just so corrupt it's all who you know i've never heard that before oh yeah yeah it's like every son or daughter of a famous author uh has a book deal like who um uh there's there's uh there's um mark hemingway and and there's there's kevin grisham yeah yeah i i made those up i'm sorry okay the truth is that i i only wrote one book and i didn't even finish it you don't have to talk about this if you don't thank her so much i you know actually i do feel comfortable uh talking to you about my writing or non-writing um i feel like i could tell you anything god sorry that's a that's a stupid thing to say on a second no no no i thought it was sweet a little pathetic no seriously i loved it see you really are the perfect woman oh i don't know about that yeah you are you are trust me [Music] don't wanna be [Music] hey saturday night we're gonna do it we are gonna do it come on time to get paid laid ricky paid and come on hog it's been almost nine days can't believe you're not over this chick yet ten days it's been ten days and to stop being paid and laid it doesn't mean anything yes it does no no no no i don't like somebody gonna pay us for sex huh huh what the [ __ ] does it mean cowboy uh-huh it's just something i say to keep things light and airy did you just call me cowboy ricky rick rick you drunk yes i believe so hey you don't drink i do now hog i do now i still don't know what the hell happened i was i the perfect woman pops into my life i tell her she's perfect and she runs away faster than um who's a faster woman flojo oh [ __ ] she's dead isn't she i'm gonna make you some coffee man no i don't want coffee i wanted to need a oh i finally met a woman who makes me feel that that magical thing that [ __ ] brag about at parties please god don't take her away from me not after i've waited for so long you're out of coffee swiss miss [Music] this anita what it's denisa that's twice god [ __ ] you're good hey hi you're not gonna run out again are you cause this time i'll just order an appetizer i'm so sorry oh no no it's okay i was just uh trying to defuse an awkward moment now i'm gonna try to defuse this one i like you ricky i really like you i really really really like you that is the most release i've ever said in one sentence really me too it's funny but because i always hated those movies where where the couple falls in love right away but now i know that it just picks me up because it never happened to me i'm married said i was perfect ricky i'm not perfect i'm uh i'm a jerk yeah no i know i was wrong i know i look i've been married nine years nine miserable years and just one day i was at my friend anna's place she's on e happily and i saw your profile and it was so vulnerable so wear your heart on your sleeve sweet me you you said you'd been waiting all your life to meet your partner and what a sweet word that even though you were born agnostic you pray the god that she was still out there wow you really did read my profile it got to me and i thought you know maybe i don't have to be miserable and i just joined so i could meet you i just pretended to be single and an artist i just pretended to be the person i used to be back when i was still alive and do you really have cats yes two sydney crosby and german meow cool that's all i cared about now can you just get a divorce and marry me by six tonight you're so great you know i can never see you again ricky look you don't know my husband he'll just he'll never allow me to leave him never allow great man like him to be embarrassed um who cares if his precious ego is bruised you are miserable and we should be together it can be he would kill me he said that again and again if you ever walk out that door you ungrateful [ __ ] i will kill you only he didn't see it quite as nice jesus yeah he's a bad guy ricky he's a bad guy i didn't know that when i met him that god he killed both of us right now if he saw us together that's interesting i'm sorry i'm sorry ricky you you're the one and i can never see you [Music] my hickory grilled chicken sandwich isn't hickory enough huh am i not speaking english i said it like hickory well that's life i'm sorry sir you uh wanted more of something they're disappointed it hurts doesn't it that's a little melodramatic [Music] hello oh yeah holy [ __ ] balls yes yeah yeah i i will meet you anywhere where [Music] god is it good to see you i wanted to meet you here this is my happy place i knew you'd love it too they um they show movies up on that wall over the graves of dead movie stars they don't mind no one said anything guess what movie they're playing tonight ricky i'm my guess cool runnings i'm i'm really bad at guessing lost in america that's my favorite movie omg you read my whole profile tonight was great i'm so happy you called it beyond happy i'm exultant i don't think i've ever used that word before i couldn't stop thinking about you i can't go back to my own life now i deserve to be happy i deserve someone like you damn right you do so when are you gonna tell your husband you're going to leave him christ how are you going to tell him you're going to leave him i'm going to tell him we have to kill him ricky that's the only way we can ever be together yeah okay [Music] denita wants me to kill her husband pardon she said that if she ever tried to leave him he would find her and kill her wow what an [ __ ] well at least you got a chance to say goodbye to her huh no no i'm gonna do it do what kill her husband ah ricky you've never even killed a spider oh it doesn't have to be violent you know i could kill him with pills or a lethal injection lethal injection and you have access to lethal injection you know i'm sorry i can't even believe we're having this discussion right now hey oj how about this have you thought about this what if he get caught so what so what so what i'm lonely and i work at a place called debbie's what exactly am i clinging on to here ricky sit down have a seat except i want you to take six deep breaths in and out and go to the bathroom and take a leak what will that do i don't know but you're talking crazy right now i'm not i've never met anyone like danita and i'll never meet anyone like anita again to think anything else would be crazy okay ricky she's married and and she wants you to kill her husband i know but everything else is perfect when you meet your soul mate and you're in your 40s not everything's going to be ideal there's always going to be baggage this is more than baggage all right sorry i made my mind up i'm going to kill this mofo ricky look i want you to do me a favor okay i want you to go home and sleep on it okay just just sleep on it we'll talk about it tomorrow night over donut there's nothing to sleep on besides i'm not gonna let that angel be held prisoner in that monster's home anymore i'm gonna do it with or without your help my help the hell is that supposed to mean what do you mean by that my help well i just i just figured you'd help me since you know you're my primo amigo too okay dog i'm in but you're gonna hold me big thanks for opening up my world i've never been to a juice bar before are you sure it was okay to leave for it i'm a manager i have a lot of clout but i try not to let it go to my head i thought we should talk now things at work and my husband oh you never actually said his name before you okay yeah you don't have to do this no no it's just it was easier when he didn't have a name when he was just you know evil husband who will kill me if i ever leave i don't want you to do this i can't believe i even asked you to do this i just i needed to get away from you and be with you it's okay sweetheart please don't be upset i still want to kill you really yes very much i love you i love you more i love you more i love you more plus six you're not like a human being is anything wrong there's something you need to see man something you need to see right now what's that it's an old movie with william hurt and kathleen turner you know back when she used to look like a chick yeah i know it's body heat yeah i saw that movie with you remember neither of us could get dates it's time to watch it again baby [Music] wow wow that really holds up you know lots of twists and it's compelling it's well written okay thank you rex reed she pretended to fall in love with a guy so he would kill her husband who she said was a bad guy but i actually thought was quite nice is played by richard krenna and then she set him up for the murder look i trust denita okay william hurt trusted kathleen turner well he shouldn't have i mean she was being all crude and mysterious from the first second and there was all that saxophone music okay come on man you're not the least bit dubious dog some 10 just rolls into your life and then tells you all this crazy [ __ ] about her evil jealous husband but then wait a minute then she's oh yeah she has a bunch of time to hang out with you so that's that's pretty weird uh well you know he obviously works and she sneaks out during the day oh okay but wait hold on a second did you guys you guys yeah you went on a date right that was at night so and then oh you slept together which that happens at night time so i don't know what the [ __ ] you're talking about well maybe maybe he was working at night or he was out of town or he went to sleep early you just can't stand to see me happy can you no ricky i do not trust this woman ah ah okay you don't trust any woman no no no no no no i don't trust some woman who wants you to kill her husband i trust her completely and i am not gonna let your negativity creep into my mind like a trojan horse virus that's a really bad computer virus i once got on my laptop you hear me i got to talk to you i'm working you came to my office during tax season what's the lunch worship cops look i i followed danita after you met her i i went to her house i saw her husband yeah he's a rabbit what our monster husband ben is a rabbi how the hell do you know he's a rabbi well he was wearing one of those jewish hats uh the the uh yamaha he's wearing yamaka that's how you know he's a rabbi okay don't talk down to me hog i'm not an idiot i know what i'm doing i followed him to a bookstore okay he's starting to lose me here you didn't let me finish i followed him to a bookstore he used to be a rabbi now he writes mystery novels about a crime-solving rabbi he was doing a book signing her evil husband is a mystery novel writing former rabbi i even read one of his books in one sitting could not put it down i i can't believe a retired rabbi has gotten published and i look this doesn't change anything you know he could still be a monster you know authors can be egotistical pricks and and a lot of clergymen are evil molesters no hold on a second no no no there aren't any molesting rabbis only priests do that yeah yeah you know maybe this all makes sense now yeah she said that that he was this great man you know who wouldn't allow her to embarrass him and now we see that he's this published author this evil monstrous threatening published author or or he's just a nice guy like richie krenna and body heat just a nice loaded guy who she wants you to kill so she can take all his money and make you take the wrap ricky [Music] this is stupid no it isn't okay we have to know this guy isn't hitler we can tell he's hitler from a book signing i can i can read people i'm an accountant you know it's probably not a good idea for you to be here he can't see you in that you're the guy pulling the trigger what are you doing what are you doing you're right good call [Music] hey mr jacobs no please call me ben okay ben yeah any fan of mine is also a friend it's a really cool way of looking at things well seriously i wouldn't be anywhere without my loyal readers right right yeah i guess uh because you wouldn't do you think it's okay to kill a woman if she leaves you what no no no why would you ask such a question i don't know just making small talk would you sign this please make it out to seth there you go man bye ben you still don't know he's not hitler hitler doesn't sign books with a smiley face well what do you expect him to do i mean foam at the mouth and rotate his head 360 degrees no but when i asked him if it's okay for a man to kill a woman if she's left him he said he was against it so he's obviously not gonna admit that he's okay all right look ricky she's already lied to you once how do you know she's not lying about this too i don't think she'd lie to me twice if i could just see them together i'd know you see now that's a good idea we'll just plant the camera in their house you know how to do that no i do not you know i saw the show once when they set up a nanny cam oh my god the [ __ ] was shaking the baby stealing money it was complete disaster we'll just break into her house and set one up you know how to break into somebody's home you know it's easy to piss on every plant i'm sorry thank you you sure they come here positive i went on benjacobs.com says he brings his wife here for dinner every saturday night that guy's a millionaire and he takes her olive garden i should kill him just for that i'm saying all of garden hog it's pimento garden how do they get away with that i don't know okay great looks like they're not here again you remember the plan right we hide our faces and menus and spy on them don't look it's a great plan okay you can make anything sound ridiculous by shorthand it's just good no no no no way amigo look we got to make sure that she's not a femme fatal like kathleen turner it's from fatale it's not like kathleen turner whatever sharon stone denise richards whatever you want denise richards yeah and wild things i remember that movie you never saw wild things oh my goodness it's her and nev campbell making out in a pool it was a classic huh hey how are you hi it's uh seth right yeah seth yeah honey this guy just came to a book signing i never forget the face of a fan how you doing wow i can't believe a big time author like you eats here too that's a what a coincidence what a small world it's a it's a small world isn't it ricky it's very small it's very small okay well uh hey it was really great running into you ben we'll let you get back to having dinner and private with your wife so uh bye-bye wait wait wait nonsense uh why don't you two join us pardon well it's not every day an author gets to converse with one of his fans and besides you deserve a free meal just for reading my books so what do you say all right great come on good times okay okay so sam tell me what it is you like best about my books and please do not spare a single detail unless of course it's negative well i like everything about them the suspense the surprise twists the characters yeah i love how the killer is always the most unassuming uh unlikely were you born in l.a huh uh were you uh you're born in los angeles uh was anybody right well i i i was uh and seth too uh well not los angeles per se but uh sherman oaks i'm from pittsburgh originally [Music] you know uh i first met danita at a pimento garden she was a waitress there and i proposed to her on a saturday night and we've been coming back to one every saturday since no matter where we've lived [Music] i i didn't know that why i mean why why why wouldn't why would he know that that's what means why why would you know that he's very romantic is what that's very romantic isn't that romantic ricky is very romantic you have been awfully quiet tonight honey no no no i'm just listening no you can talk too it's allowed thanks oh i'm a modern man yes that you are modern enough to give his beautiful wife a little kiss in public let's order sorry me hungry like a sumbitch oh that was great benny you sure that ricky and i can't at least kick in for the cherry pepsis out of the question my treat please thanks wow what a nice guy yeah i guess it's uh nice being a millionaire writer never having to worry about money oh well it wasn't always like that believe me i mean it took me years and years to make it as a writer wow see ricky i told you it's never too late ricky wrote a really cool book and then you just quit oh that's a shame no i didn't i didn't write a book and i didn't quit i just got you know 80 pages into one a long time ago and uh then i got a real job well i would love to read it excuse me i would love to read your 80 pages ricky here i'll give you my card you can send it over and give me a call in a few days and i'll give you some feedback go on take it it's okay i can't believe the man i'm supposed to kill is gonna read my work i knew she was lying i still don't know that what look the whole point of tonight was to watch the two of them together and she did seem uncomfortable around him what are you talking about when he tried to kiss her she was uncomfortable and he kept going it practically tongue raped her oh yeah i forgot to tell you i met a woman on eating happily too she's really hot the picture is oh um and if we go on a date and by chance you happen to run into us she sort of thinks that i am an astronaut [Music] hello hi honey god i'm still shaking i can't believe we ran into each other like that yep it is a small world you handled yourself great though calm poised sorry tough i hope i did too where is he he's downstairs i can just talk for a minute i just i wanted to die i'm pulling it mean kissing me like that i just needed to hear your voice i'm i'm glad you called boy he really didn't seem like the monster i imagined no he's good at fooling people yeah really good at it i mean uh generous affable he almost fooled me do you think i'm lying to you ricky no no no i mean you know it's just a little odd he told me he's this evil guy who threatened to kill you and he used to be a rabbi how did you know that huh uh seth told me uh he googled him and checked his website and oh you didn't just run into us tonight did you you knew we were gonna be there no no okay yeah um but you know seth just wanted to make sure you weren't using me or trying to set me up i see he did yeah yeah of course i mean i i trust you danita you know totally i always have good pirates hey hog oh what are you doing here i'm meeting my happily chick found a hot frenchy too so that's what hey look i was wondering if you could do me a solid maybe come over and break things up she doesn't look like her picture uh uh oh well you could do say that my mother died and i'm needed at the same time hey i'm helping you kill a guy sorry she's probably holding my voice you know don't don't worry about that that's that's not happening anymore what danita is pissed at me she thought we didn't just run into each other the other night she thought i went there because i didn't trust her oh well i i don't i don't want to pick sides the girl is right that is why you win because you put that thought in my head don't do that please it's easy to be a monday morning quarterback i blame everything i'm oh god that's her that's what luke she is her picture wish me luck dog snail hey look in about 10 minutes could you come by our table and ask me something astronauty hello seth uh maybe we should get a table yes yeah oh yes of course yeah what i have a lot of pull here so your that is french and why wouldn't you know that i'm a [ __ ] relax tonight you're going to get paid and late oh no no no um it was a phrase i took from your profile i thought it was very funny oh whoa oh yeah i said ah [ __ ] i thought you were serious pardon my french and i apologize for that i did not mean to imply that french is coarse or or that it is obscene or that it is a gutter language french is not a gutter ladies okay what [Music] all my life i had been looking for my prince danita uh i need to talk to you please call me back look i'm sorry i didn't trust you but seth kept making me watch body heat and and wild things talk to me look look it's my fault okay seth you know got into my head and i started obsessing and getting all suspicious but but that's no excuse i was using you what at first i told you the truth about my husband he would kill me if i ever tried to leave him just he controls every dime of mine so i could never pay to have someone one day i went on this dating service to look for someone desperate and they they just they match me up with you i mean i just i figured that any man willing to go on a date with a woman without even seeing her picture you know might be willing to go along with just about anything i guess you made the right choice no but then i met you and it just everything changed i just i fell in love with you uh-huh i did ricky i did i i i really did look i i'll be honest when i first read your profile i couldn't believe anybody that sweet could actually exist i mean i even snickered when i read the word hartner the first just then i met you and you were just you are that sweetened person and then i love you i love you from the bottom of my heart ricky and i i know you have no reason to believe me even why donate yeah okay i guess that's what i deserve goodbye ricky i'm so sorry ricky you're my soul mate and i just i screwed it all up i swear on albert brooks what swear on albert brooks that you love me if you're lying he'll be struck dead and also one of your cats i swear i swear on albert brooks in german yeah i love you i love you ricky [Music] oh god i love you um listen uh there's something i probably should have told you um [Music] well it's something you probably noticed already my whole head is a lie it's okay you look more beautiful without your makeup [Music] it's back on what operation killed a rabbi it's a go pound it what what exactly is our operation you know what i don't know i was thinking shoot them trip right now is not a good time baby up to my sn1099s okay you want me to give your husband my novel yes just like he asked then you can come over one night to discuss it face to face where you can absorb all his comments and then you'll have the perfect opportunity i'm not sure it's ready what the 80 pages you know i haven't proofed it yet and uh you're not giving it to him so he can send it to his agents you you're giving it to him so you can get invited into his home and kill him it's just it's been a long time since anybody's read my stuff and all uh i'm sorry i'm just i'm really nervous maybe we shouldn't do this i mean maybe we can just get in your car and drive away far away you and me right now i'd have to give debbie's two weeks notice sorry i was sure you were kidding let's just get away maybe he won't kill me like he says he will yeah okay he's killed before but [Music] oh yeah he killed his first wife i mean they couldn't prove it but he did the prick even made it into the plot of his first first book genius murderer gets away with killing cheating life christ this family warned me till the day i married him just never listen i'm such an idiot no no no hey at least you have good taste in men now how to buy a gun oh [ __ ] ah the trace google searches uh uh idiot um uh smiley pace uh well hey man can i talk to you for a second uh sure what up dog um i'm gonna need some more time off oh yeah okay whatevs oh uh uh hey you know jorge uh there's something i i always wanted to ask you um uh do you know anybody who sells guns excuse me uh well it's for my father uh uh he likes to hunt deer you know i don't condone it but you know it gives him pleasure and his birthday's coming up so why would you think that i know somebody who sells guns huh because i'm hispanic what no no no of course not i i mean i didn't mean anything but honestly look i'm sorry okay it's just that this is how stereotypes get perpetuated couldn't agree with you more and i'm i'm sorry i asked so you know what i just remembered my brother and sister sell guns [Music] this is stupid shouldn't we be at a shooting range or something witnesses dog use your head okay it's totally discreet here ah yeah yeah yeah that was discreet couldn't you have asked the busboy for a silencer or something sorry first gun forgot to ask for accessories all right you know what i'll just i'll show you how to do it hog you gotta all right now aim the aim the now don't don't hold the trigger yet don't hold it like okay gangster put it straight up like okay now make sure that your your forearm needs to be in line with the barrel needs to be in line with it no don't don't turn your elbow in or else you're going to loot you this is going to dislocate immediately don't okay look no no no no no you got to stay you got to stay square okay okay you have no power there you go look at it like that eye the eye closest to the to you know what maybe you don't have to shoot him you don't have to no no i want to shoot him that's how his murderer deserves to die i looked into her eyes oh good great yeah i feel really good about this nick did you at least think to google the guy see if he even had a first wife okay okay you want to know what what your problem is seriously seriously you know i i think you need to hear it you know this may hurt but uh but i i really think you need to hear it okay dr phil what's my problem okay you are so emotionally immature so afraid of any kind of relationship that you mistrust any woman so that you don't have to make a commitment i see yeah i mean i you know i didn't i'm your best friend so you know i really felt like i had to say it really yeah well then why did i propose to tracy at the end of our first date what i was gonna surprise you with the news tonight over a hot dog and soup but no you had to ruin it by saying all those hurtful hurtful so you proposed to her yeah well i guess i was hit by lightning too dawg i mean she's attractive and she said i was her type and nobody ever tells me that i'm their type so the words will you marry me i don't know they just kind of slipped out like sappy tourette's or something like that and what did she say yes she said yes we're getting married in a month wow wow that is unbelievable i i'm proud of you man thank you ricky me too you know actually i i told you that it wasn't an astronaut about a half hour after i popped a question and she was a little weirded out by that but she didn't retract her yes that's all no no i'm i'm i'm happy for you it's just now i'm the last guy from high school to never be married ricky you got to keep your arm in line with the barrel [Music] and jacob's author first wife i'll never use google again [Music] hello mr jacobs uh it's it's ricky you know the uh the 80 page writer ricky hey uh yeah i hope i'm not bothering you uh i just wanted to let you know that i just messengered you my book oh excellent well i'm really looking forward to reading it listen uh uh after you've read it um i'd love to talk to you uh face to face you know so i can absorb your comments you know so why don't you come over for dinner that's just what i was about to ask you um i i mean i hope it's not too much trouble no no no trouble at all how's sunday thanks bye [Music] oh i just got off the phone with ricky and he's coming over for dinner sunday night ricky yeah i'm reading his book honey remember oh yeah right yeah is it okay with you that i invited him to dinner of course okay good [Music] [Music] [Music] hey baby hi sweetie i came as quickly as i could what's wrong i think ben may know bottas christ sorry so do you think we should call off dinner tonight no why because it might you know try to kill me first all right hey now what am i saying he'd never kill you in his own house take you somewhere else how do we know he doesn't have after-dinner plans i bet he was just trying to scare me you know if he thought we were really having an affair you'd be dead already okey-dokey oh after dinner he'll take you up to his office to discuss your book so as soon as he goes up the first few steps just shoot him twice in the back of the head oh i should probably make sure that he gets up first cause if i'm in front of him then i'm gonna have to reach around to get access to the back of his head i'm sorry i'm rambling thank you baby please stop staring at me jesus [Music] [Music] okay cool can't barely see your face why are you wearing a minnesota cap oh i know what i'd say it's montreal royals was that the first minor league team that jackie robinson played for you i mean you saw that movie with the harrison ford chadwick bosemans it was a really it was uh superb and and the delightful turn from john c mcginley okay whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa just relax okay remember all you have to do is kill a guy while his back is turned okay and don't forget the barrel of the gun needs to be in line with you shut up with that all right trying to help ricky i'm sorry i yelled man yeah well i mean i guess you got a lot on your plate look um when the deed is done just text me the rabbi sleeps with the gefilte fishes i'll come help you guys get rid of the body okay you're a primo amigo plus man you know that i gotta you gotta go [Music] [Music] it's okay honey you keep on riding i'll get the door hello ricky welcome to our house and we'll be out in a minute you really do have cats i love you i love you ricky hi welcome so are you nervous excuse me are you nervous why would i be nervous because you're getting an evaluation of your work tonight by a best-selling author right yeah yeah i'm nervous as [ __ ] how's your chicken do you have well ricky you barely touched it oh yeah yeah sorry um uh here we go delicious tray succulent yeah danita is a great cook you know i sometimes forget that cause i you know i let her order food a lot let her well you know i guess i spoil her a little bit don't i honey yes you're very generous oh hey i wasn't fishing for a compliment but thanks you're welcome i really liked your book ricky you i know i said i was going to talk to you about it after dinner but i just couldn't wait a second longer to tell you how much i really liked it you sure you don't want to wait till after dinner and talk to him about it upstairs you know in your office where you won't be distracted what did you like about it oh well i uh i like the characters the pacing but why in the world did you stop after 80 pages i mean i can't wait to see how it ends wow really see see i think i i used to think it was good but i don't know time passes and you lose perspective you really like the pacing oh oh sorry i'm just uh i'm not used to praise well you better get used to it because after you finish it i plan on sending it to my publisher oh my god thank you oh my hmm but i did have a few notes for you um and i think danita's right we could probably focus better upstairs so after dinner in my office is that okay ricky yeah yeah that's that's cool excellent great yeah i'm really looking forward to it me too hey um you think there's any chance that we could uh uh call the the publisher right now and you know get the get the ball rolling you know uh notes first i think um well let me put the dishes away you two go upstairs and have your little top she still insists on cleaning up herself even though i could easily afford help ah she's great isn't she great ricky yeah she's very nice i'm glad you agreed okay time for the big moment you ready oh god i hope so oh come on let's go do this come on um well why don't you uh lead the way since you know it is your house [Music] you know what why don't we go somewhere else to talk about your book somewhere a little more inspiring oh and honey you should come too i think it's gonna be fun thanks for driving honey gives me more time to chat with ricky where are we going to a very special place [Music] this place is very important to me it's where i first came up with the idea that my wife was cheating on me with a loser like you i'm sorry honey i lied to you that night you thought i was doing a book signing i was actually parked right over there yeah i'm sorry i'm sorry it was all my fault just please don't hurt hey hey can you please just shut the [ __ ] up honey i'm trying to converse with our dinner guest don't swear at her how chivalrous ricky you know i'm surprised you're still single you're a real catch why don't you just let her go you you don't even love her wow that's just so impressive you know exactly what's in my heart you don't have a heart now you see that one hurt ben please please please no please no please no i promise i'll never see him again i'll stay with you do anything you want i told you to shut up whoa hey don't ever do that again wife killer now now ricky that was never proven and it never will be oh come on we both know a little restaurant manager like you doesn't have the guts to pull that trigger yes yes i do that might have been more persuasive without the stammering [Music] you know this has been hard ricky really hard going through this farce eating with you being friendly to you reading your book yeah i think that was the hardest part reading your book yeah it wasn't easy to pretend that crap was good i mean it was just awful poorly written run-on sentences a clumsy attempt at suspense and wit terrible pacing gosh [Music] holy [ __ ] you did it dog pound it hey danita how's it going okay thanks for helping seth no problem you know i got off work a little early sorry he's still alive wait no sorry false alarm no that's just the wind he's still dead oh honey that is so sweet but everything has to look normal uh you've got to show everybody your home answer all your phone calls uh turn on a bunch of lights don't don't drive so fast you serious you just killed a guy now you're worried about a speeding ticket don't want a cop to stop us right right i'm sorry i'm just i'm nervous why am i so nervous there's a dead body in the trunk and you're an accountant you work at debbie's it's not that much more macho no i i didn't mean it was a dig of course you didn't that's not even it's not a good dick i'm so nervous okay plan a you dump him in the ocean i have to rent a boat or something why well i can't just place him in the shallow end and you're not that great a swimmer okay i'm not i'm not that bad i'm not that hot but you never even used to go in the deep end all right look i was accidentally dropped at a pool by my mother when i was a baby it was very traumatic i know i know i'm sorry oh crap it's after midnight we wouldn't even be able to rent a boat even if we wanted to ah i got it i got it we'll dump him off a cliff because no we can't right because you have a fear of heights i apologize i almost fell off the roof of my grandparents condominiums oh sorry to put this murdering scum beside you mr dead movie star [Music] hey [Music] hey hey oh sorry sorry what is it are you okay man [ __ ] man you've been like in your own world for the last two weeks no i'm i'm fine what is it a guy over there wants to talk to you jesus [Music] uh what does he want i don't know man he wants to talk to you now okay thanks [Music] hello officer um you want to talk to me you're ricky miller yeah yeah i got something i got to ask you okay you know this woman no oh oh oh wait i do i do that's uh this is my aunt toby i knew it me and you were related man what yeah toby miller she's my aunt i just mentioned she had a nephew renodevs i know it's kind of lame but i'm really big into the family tree again no no no it's it is not dumb at all it is it is great that you care about family trees i mean it's it's [ __ ] fantastic [Music] hi honey i'm home i've missed you so much it's been so hard not even being able to text you i know i know but we have to be careful that's why i was so smart to meet here no one would expect to find a jew in here you're jewish no i thought you were you know because you were married to the oh no no he was a rabbi like chicks and feels like pork the police have been questioning me why i think they always suspect the spouse first at least they do on 48 hours in american justice wait you watch those shows too oh those are my two favorite shows on tv wait have you seen true crime with aphrodite jones shut up i love that is batshit crazy how much we have in common i love you so much baby i love you more plus wait what are you 19 19 20. so what do you think i don't know come on hog i'm getting married on saturday i want to look dapper which one oh sorry um that one yeah yeah yeah i thought so too it's definitely the better uh less blue good so hey where's danita i've been trying to get a hold of her to invite her to the wedding you can't invite her i have to invite her she's your girlfriend are you insane we can't be seen together all right all right relax i couldn't get a hold of her anyway she probably changed her number then i went to her house and her neighbor said that she started leaving with a bunch of suitcases where's she going man [Music] oh [ __ ] you you knew that right [Music] [Applause] hey guys hey vicky there he is huh saturday night you're gonna do it time for you to get paid and laid and find yourself a soul mate huh nope already got hit by lightning and found a soul mate now it's time to get killed by terrorists oh come on ricky you'll meet someone else look it took me over 40 years to find the first one now it'll take at least that by then i'll be in hell that's not true you're such a sweet man ricky and why would you ever go to hell god i can't keep this in anymore about nine months ago from the grocery store he stole us snapple he's been bent up about it ever since haven't you ricky the snapple that you stole from the store yeah i stole a snapple just for the thrill hey hey cuz hey hey good to see you again how's it going no not bad can't complain how's work well you know so uh so how's work for you interesting i was at the station before i had a serial killer come in confessed to a bunch of murders and even confessed killing that uh that guy what's his name the uh the author that died last year ben jacobs i i believe was was his name uh the there were those the articles on the internet ben jacobs that's it so so someone confessed yeah holy [ __ ] i'll tell you you get these nut jobs that come in they confessed to murders they didn't even commit but this guy really convincing yeah i wasn't even there and i believe him so we arrested him and uh i hope the bastard fries i would be fries and they they hang him it's a little excessive guts you again god oh that was so sweet uh and a little sick i mean why would you let an innocent [Music] serial killer get punished for something i did my life is over anyway [Music] you like lost in america too oh my god must have hated me i must have thought that i ran away and that i never come back yeah it kind of crossed my mind the police were starting to suspect me more and more so i just i ditched my phone any record of you i knew we wouldn't be able to stay away from each other so i just got on the plane and flew halfway around the world and just kept on flying and kept on running and then i heard something on the news about a killer who was arrested back in america for the murder of ben jacobs i'm pretty sure he's innocent me too the police seemed to believe him though it was crazy how could this happen i pray to a deranged deity i'm so sorry ricky must have thought i was one of those you know movie [ __ ] like seth get warning you about no no i i could never think you're one of those [ __ ] never okay maybe a few times okay several times in my smallest darkest moments oh my god i love you i love you more plus infinity i love you more plus double infinity i love you more plus [Music] i was a widow and um i thought it was too late to meet a soulmate that i'd have a better chance of getting hit by lightning then one day the perfect guy appeared i uh used to work here but then i met danita my inspiration my muse and now i've written two bestsellers and one of them might even be made into a movie with ashton kutcher and he's gotten me to start painting again too we both love cats and hockey and albert brooks and going out to romantic places though we do tend to disagree from time to time who loves who more [Music] [ __ ] you ricky and anita [Music] so every heart needs a partner to love and to be loved i've waited on my life [Music] just for you don't give up you will find her close your eyes just imagine she's the one the only one just for you climb every mountain [Music] the world she is [Music] a best friend she's understanding an angel that never stops giving [Music] hold [Music] she loves you she loves you she loves you you smile when you're beside her her eyes shine only for you love has found its way love is here to stay she's close right beside you open your eyes [Music] you

Channel: Gravitas Ventures

Views: 421,411

Keywords: 40 year old man, 40-year old, accused of murder, aspiring writer, comedy, crime, crime novelist, dark comedy, dating, dating apps, drama, drama comedy, dramedy, e-dating, free film, free movie, full film, full movie, hit by lightning, hit by lightning film, hit by lightning movie, leaving her husband, murder, online dating, relationships, rom com, rom-com, romantic, romantic comedy, romantic-comedy, hit by lightning full movie, romcom, will sasso romcom, will sasso hit by lightning

Id: 2Ssx3dB6N7I

Length: 88min 59sec (5339 seconds)

Published: Wed Dec 07 2022