Holy Hustle | Full Movie | Crime Comedy

[Music] [Music] [Music] you look like little brother growing up here [Music] that's me kane mcgee watching my whole life flash before my eyes as i stare down the barrel of a pistol and why i'll tell you why it's because of him my big brother jacob i see you that little brother still cleaning up your mess me [ __ ] please what you talking about me i ain't the one pointing the gun in your face but you know what i'm gonna tell you who's the blame for all this and guess what it's not me get your money right now that's what you need just what you need i got what you want put your money down brother i'm gonna make you all rich that's right trust me my friend you're gonna be rich you're gonna be happy you did this that's right that's right what you gonna do for this no my know that brother really a freak [Music] [Music] so [Music] and i know he watches over me i think because i'm happy oh i see because [Music] [Laughter] [Music] oh i know he watches he watches me that [ __ ] is terrible i'll cut your oxygen off your senile bastard hey hold on man you can't talk to my uncle that way man hold on baby what's wrong with you give me my 25 dollars and i'm out what no no no no how you gonna pay him to mess up your mama's favorite song nephew if you folks don't mind that's going to conclude our homegoing services uh ribs ain't gonna cook themselves you know so i sing [Music] yes i thought i'd recognize you man yes sir yes sir yeah rip down here you smoke it down there your red tips are so delicious well thank you thank you so much hey y'all make sure to stop by the restaurant this afternoon for the re-pass i'll give you the dilly departed discount all right you folks be blessed i love his baby yeah the memphis barbecue got a nice little tang nice little kicks on yeah just wait you two mine hey if you don't get mad at us you're the one who hired that fake kirk franklin and sweet baby rays for your mama's funeral look it was the rough side of the mountain package huh there was a hitch with her insurance so i had to come out of pocket yeah my sister still deserve better uh uh sweetie can you roll me to the carpet don't worry baby get the best you could all right come on thank you i don't understand why you chose me of all people to push you out of here i should have let that singer kick his ass [Music] hey what's with the suitcase t look there's no easy way to say this i'm leaving you on the worst day of my life this is the day you choose to leave tea we've gone apart these past several months i didn't want to do this then with your mom's sick and all look mama look look look mama is gone mama's gone you don't have to make the decision okay baby you don't have to make any decision i'm sorry it's too late i've already found someone sorry i gotta go home t t just talk jim give me a second please [Applause] hold on [Applause] you don't have to do this oh him this [ __ ] oh [Applause] you got to be kidding me tiana [Applause] [Music] tiana baby you don't have to do this man we can sit and you come tiana come back in the house so we can talk about this bye [ __ ] hey hey danny it's me it's me jacob hey man you bought a chance to have some milk to go with this cake is drier than a 90 year old woman i can't believe you couldn't pay your respects to mom after all she did for you man i'm sorry okay i'm out here making moves man i might make big moves all the way around the world man oh oh yeah i see you dressed apart too what the hell look man i'm here now okay i'm here now you know whatever man why are you here now huh what you gonna help me fold mama's clothes you gonna help me pack up all her stuff no you're not because the only person that you ever helped was yourself and you ain't did nothing for mama but i know why you're here you're here for the reading of the wheel oh yeah big bro made it just in time man no the hell i'm not i'm here because of you i'm here worried about you thinking i hope he's straight so i'm here to make sure you're straight that's why i'm here but i mean since you brought it up i mean when is the reading with him okay too soon hey you know what hey look hey look at that picture man you still messing with old tiny teddy tiana no and don't try to change the subject neither man what the hell do you want from me i mean i i can't bring her back i cannot bring her back and i can't go back in time and be that big brother that you want me to be but damn it i'm here now for how long jacob you know what you know come on come on come on bro with all that because you're wrong man and you know you're wrong and you know you still love me let me ask you something bro what good does that do loving somebody who only loves they self why you always have like you in your damn period you know what i i can't even do this with you man i'm going to bed but do me a favor when you leave again lock the door on your way out welcome home sleeping beauty which one of you punks is jacob oh he is wait he's jacob i mean why why are we here does the name arlene carter ring a bell uh she's not pregnant is she she's my daughter oh well no no i don't know no don't worry you already i never met already in my life where's my 75 thousand dollars 75 it was 50 000. you just said you didn't know her oh you said arlene i thought you said marlene okay i definitely know arlene good good positive good good good christian girl you know capricorn uh she's she's she's a virgin her too i had to kill you right now for taking advantage of my baby girl mr speaker it's not like that at all basically that mall development deal that we're working on still kill the chatter punk there ain't no strip mall development wait wait wait wait wait we'll pay you tomorrow look the reading of her mother's will is tomorrow morning if you just give us enough time her lawyers are there they'll have to check prepare for us that's what i was going to have for your money that's what i was going to do that's why i was coming here i was going to come here i was going to deliver the money in person to you that way you didn't have to leave the sanctity of your dildo dynasty here i was going to do that for you better not be [ __ ] me no no never that sit him down we're gonna carry you down to that lord's office what about him oh my damn may i have some more big daddy that wasn't supposed to turn your freakish ass on let me tell you something the next time i catch you beating your meat in my establishment i'ma shove a rabbit dribble up your ass and so it should really i love those furry critters get this pervert out of here hey you promised me a gerbil let's see you both in the morning baby now what have you gotten yourself into now jacob what the hell are you talking about these are business associates marty and you got your brother mixed up in this mess ah damn it marty if you don't just get to the part about the checks please well you know your mother's wheel clearly said can we just check please thank you okay thank you so much i'm gonna tell you something else i don't appreciate y'all bring your big ass in my house waking me up okay let that [ __ ] happen again next christmas you'll be wishing jesus had a birthday in person you hear me that's it thank you marty got there got me holy [ __ ] um marty there's less than two thousand dollars here a piece what uh this got to be a mistake marty i mean what just like it's not mistakes no mistake see no no it's not see these are a little chicken little itty bitty chick this ain't what we want see marty these are the sprinkles we don't need a sprinkle i need a whole damn cake uh mama had a great retirement fund plus the investments are pops left so where's wrestling that's what i'm trying to explain she went broke bailing out all his failed business ventures what the hell what fellow business ventures those are all legit did you forget about the mannequins with the oversized derrieres oh like fat ass farm wouldn't have worked it would have worked think about it these sisters need to know what their big ass is going to look like in those pants you can't forget the autism striptease the charity for down syndrome exotic dancers oh now you gonna turn with two huh you wasn't saying that when oh down syndrome debbie was bouncing up and down your raggedy ass lap uh that that was for a good cause though that was for me gentlemen do i need to call the authorities that won't be necessary you heard the gentleman we're business associates oh [ __ ] damn gold frasier let's get these foods out here don't talk about it we got we got jewelry prices jury um there was my just dream that my mom had when when when she passed you talking about that old walmart [ __ ] she had no i'm talking about the priceless ass jury she had that's right how could i forget something mother doesn't have any priceless journals so black ass now hey what are you doing i figured it out marty's in on it that's that's he he took my money he took her money mom left us and now he's backwards trying to get his hands on mama's priceless jury tell me more about this jewelry where is this still you know i'm glad you asked that question the brexit is um at the funeral the funeral that's where it's set yes because it would make no sense in burying her in the jewelry in fact the funeral director called us last night and said hey i'll bring it to y'all it was like no no no no even the price of gas being so high and being such an ungodly hour we said you know what how about we'll just come to you in the morning and we'll pick it up and take off your hands exactly excuse me sir somebody will be with you in a moment okay thank you good morning how can i help you today i sure hope you can um is mr brown here no i'm afraid he isn't oh my god he told me he was going to be here that's impossible mr brown is dead oh well that's a horse of a different color um when did this happen summer in 93. well looks like i'm a bit late um well the reason i'm asking is because really dude come on you ain't gonna sit there and look like that guy i mean i'm not going away i can't go anywhere look all right let's have a seat thank you so much looking all unattractive look you see that guy back there he's a bounty hunter and i'm on my way to prison okay i'm moving away to prison for helping kids who are caught up in the illegal slave trade and i have to help those poor little bastards i mean babies even if it cost me my own freedom what an awful man yes he's awful jackass but the awful jackass is allowing me to at least save my last farewells to my dear sweet aunt eva and that our funeral was not to five and it would just be a big weight off my shoulders if i just say my goodbyes now well that is against our policy unless you're immediate family but [Music] i guess i can make an exception for a hero stop it hey you have a seat this is immediate family only yeah you know i can't believe she's gone she was so young she was 97. yeah but see 97 is really young in my family see my grandmother you know they took her out of the nursing home put in a museum she's pretty old but we last a while i just can't bear the thought of it this is your eye yes my hair oh damn um yeah damn it she's so peaceful look at her she looks like she's asleep i was adopted and and she they found me on her sister's doorstep and and even used to call me her sweet baby moses she knew that one day i was gonna free her people that's why i had to jump in the chance to help those kids in a little sweatshop and sleep in peace not eva your baby moses is here [Music] can i trouble you for a glass of water please sure i'll leave you two thank you thank you so much [Music] sir sir hello sir [Music] shut up hey champ what's taking so long man [Music] who this man that ain't him i thought you said that son of a [ __ ] jacob was back with my money daddy this here is little brother now i can probably withdraw from my pension i mean but it is going to take some time how long brother i mean i'm not sure maybe 30 days 30 days that is not soon enough boo boo i need to get my lap band surgery done before the time during her fantastic voyage sorry hey that's enough of you two over here get over here kill him wait hold on hold on mr pedigree give me 10 days daddy him being dead is not gonna give me back my money if you wanna kill him at least wait till i got my 50 000 back yeah look look i promise i'll have your money all right ten days and that's it and if you don't have all my baby girls though you are dead man i'll have it all mr pettigrew that's my word i don't care what you do as long as i get my money back cause i got this cute little two-piece bikini i need to squeeze into before the cruise all right here's how it is stay with him lay low and whatever you do keep an eye out for jacob and i'll see you in 10 days with the dough oh and champ let him know how serious i am thank you daddy anytime baby girl and although this death was certainly untimely i want you to know that it no they don't kill my brother d block we getting somebody mama somebody dying hold up hold on we gonna get him we gonna get him tonight homie don't even worry about it you think i'm scared huh look at my eyes man i'm not scared of nothing man look at the tear drop brother please please please i'm trying to console the family and so to the to the mother and to the family of mr marion d johnson affectionately known to his friends and set as d block and those over at the local correctional facility as 678 i leave you with these final words from the apostle paul he says for the lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout and with the voice of the archangel and with the trump of god and the dead in christ shall rise first [Music] where's everybody at [Music] so amazing sorry for a church dead signs minister i don't know bishop that's just not the idea i had envisioned for my first pastorship not only are you getting an amazing salary you're also getting a place to live and most importantly there are a lot of hungry souls down there they're in the midst of a famine the entire town is probably hungry that might be the case but this is a very generous church they give a gift to a needy family every seven years they call the jubilee gift i believe the last gift was for fifty thousand dollars a church that size can give that kind of money absolutely now there's still interviewing candidates but if you want it deaconess julia will accept anybody that i recommend yes [Music] yes it's bishop um i'm sorry for calling it was such an ungodly hour like this um but i'm calling you but yes yeah i'm i'm sorry i've been a little bit underweather kind of got kind of coming down with something okay yes but um the reason for my call is um i'm sending you a pastor to help lead your flock at your church and um uh his name is jacob mcgee very good looking guy he's a libra nice skin tone okay anyways but that's beside the point the point is he'll be there in about two two days he'll be in two days and um if you could um just treat him very nicely and oh speaking of which um i'm going out of the country i'll be out the country here for about a month or so and uh if you could just uh you know don't call me i'll call you and um that's about it and uh don't forget you treat jacob nice you treat him real good and um and basically just treat him really nice and feel all his earthly desires and um that's about it god bless you good night oh oh [Music] [Music] next nutmeg muffin come on baby let me just get one more chance percy i hate to hurt your feelings but you just don't have it and how many times can a man preach a trial sermon i don't understand why we have to hold auditions when bishop is sending somebody these were already scheduled and it would be unprofessional to cancel them now next and before y'all even ask i ain't married yes church god is so good he's such a deliverer i know i used to be racist but i love all you [ __ ] now next daily beloveds we are gathered here today to speak of a sin we call lust an infectious word lust and that's the third of the deadly sin that's a mighty lieu craving but i'm here to tell you if lust lives in your life it's time to get defecticated huh and lust will make you salivate or why you anticipate a chance to fornicate i said lust will make you salivate or while you anticipate a chance to fornicate [Music] the lust will have your cruising your own family reunion yes i said it and they call it watering down the blood to have you up amongst fam thinking thoughts that's lewd like it's all right cause that's my third cousin once removed will have the most fabled gentleman's uh ascending against a women i said the most fabled gentleman's ascending against their women's i have him at the hotel for motel on a motel for hotel oh whoa next but sister i'm not done you know i think you are doing who are you jacob mcgee he ran into the bus man thank you jesus [Music] all right i'll be back don't do nothing stupid yes yes i'm here is there any way i can get my check process sooner this is a life and death no this is a death only situation yes mcgee what do you mean there's no application on file what do you mean i need to resubmit the application you know you know what can i speak to your supervisor hey you got a toilet paper in here you know what i'll call back to speak to your supervisor um okay give me a second i got something in the basement oh [ __ ] nice bastard wait till they leave me for all the food they eat up to get man you almost gave me a heart attack what you doing look what hey they [ __ ] you up oh [ __ ] okay look i'm gonna get us out of here here's what we're gonna do who's upstairs the big one jam okay but he's on the toilet by itself okay cool all right what's gonna happen over there on woodworth two blocks over there's gonna be a white church fan i need you to go there and wait for me man why you leave me man who gets a damn right now that's not boring she gets the hell out of here man hell no we living together this time okay fine fine fine gotta get tiger woods on that [ __ ] [ __ ] let's run let's go [Music] yo wakey wakey man let's go sleep man i still can't believe you left me with them killers man god are you marking on that [ __ ] hell yeah look i'm sorry i'm sorry my bad i didn't know this was gonna jack you up that bad man they was gonna kill me okay but they didn't besides i saved your ass man so when you gonna tell me what's going on with the church about that you lost your damn mind you can't hustle god mama would be rolling over in her grave if she seen that man well you know what it's better mama rolls over in her grave than someone would roll our ass over there next to her jake you cannot steal or take the church's money that's blasphemy i'm gonna convince them to give me the money jacob why would them good people give a crook like you their money cause it's the jubilee season and we need that money okay i mean i mean think about it we lost our home we lost our mom who needs that money more than us well if you're the pastor use your salary to pay high water back hell that's not enough and we ain't enough time okay we got to get that money in highway before he finds us there you go again with that us and we stuff ain't no we ain't no us look man i can't do this without you you could do it without me if you would have paid attention in sunday school yeah look i should do one damn thing one damn thing all right you you the child preacher prodigy not me i mean and you know what you're gonna give me your own salary you'll get your own salary jacob i want you to listen to me very carefully i am not taking these people money do you understand what i'm saying get it out your head man i'm not taking these people's money you know what i did my homework yeah my heart you talking about you don't worry about the money if apostle mcintyre can convince people like that to give him 70 million dollars for a jet i know we can get our hands on 75 measly thousand dollars man look don't even get me started with that book look i ain't set foot in a church since the doctor announced mama was terming and i highly doubt i ever will oh you gonna meet a church all right you're gonna be in your shirt in a casket looking at the roof of a damn church if he catches us look i can't do this about you we can do this man in fact check this out i haven't got my own prayer cloths that needs this cut up crown royal bags man what the hell you gonna do here take this i mean damn you gotta start somewhere it's a work in progress look man you in or you out man i need your help on this mom would want us to work together on this all i got to do is write your sermon and not get involved that's it that's it on two conditions one we don't steal the money we combine our salaries to pay higher water back and two once we get enough money to paying back you'll end this con scam or whatever the hell you want to call it all right scout signing you got it all right come on bring it in bring it come on let's go eat keep your damn hug i don't care the floor is yours pastor why thank you deaconess um i called this meeting of the board to announce that cain here will be my associate pastor help pastor that's not the way we do things around here the board has to vote oh really so obviously this board wants to vote on whether or not you want to argue with the word of god but let me tell you something the lord that i serve who sits on high and looks down low has sent me here to help this church thus says the lord you see the other day i was lying in my bed and god spoke to me he said jacob i said yes lord he said i'm sending you your aaron and i said really lord who who amongst us is my aaron he said son your brother cain is your aaron and i'm sending him to help lead the people so verily verily i say unto thee you can either roll with us or we can roll out right now help me on your own i don't care do something pastor the next time can you follow our protocol please ask if you're uncertain yeah yeah okay okay okay let's get on with something more pressing like uh how is our money uh i believe what my brother um the pastor means is how healthy are the churches finances for us to administer the ministry in this area yeah yeah yeah what's he saying that's did you see that that's that that's that aaron just oozing out of him that's him as treasurer of bethel damn oh allowances and utilities we are barely getting by there is no supplement somebody would come up off some of that loot we'd have a surplus keep your nose out of my purse melvin i do more than my ten percent around here that's enough folks i've just bought new uniforms for that sorry excuse of a football team please say that i know you ain't saying nothing about my boys being sorry first of all i ain't said nothing about that state nasty soul fooling the can lewis made nasty i think that's what killed me you weren't saying that when your fat butt was getting free samples from them because you said esther couldn't cook oh no listen he didn't marry me for my cooking he married me because i got that snap back you said i couldn't listen to it i i i i know what do you mean i can't cook exactly what is that roberta was left with a fortune from her deceased husband's soul food in a can enterprise they should have never made her treasure same mistake jesus made turning the bag over to judas i'm not judas but i would gladly give somebody 30 pieces of silver to watch you hang and you can't even spell bag no but i can spell heifer is this the behavior we want to display in front of our new pastors don't let me stop you faster you won't have to excuse my language but sometimes in life if you can't work with the [ __ ] you won't speak on you got to work with the [ __ ] you with oh quiet jersey well since we're on the matter of finances i'm afraid we won't be able to do the jubilee gift this year especially with times being so rough we have to we can't just let daddy's tradition fall by the wayside right you think i want that you heard roberta we just don't have it how large is that sum of money it can run into thousands it's been a tradition our father bishop warren started over 35 years ago but it's gonna take a miracle this year oh no it's not we doing that we need that we jubilee is happening uh sister hope well i need you to get on this one uh i need you to give me a list of all the members of this church asap pronto so right now operation bless me family is in full effect y'all with me all right let's do this [Music] sister lily can you be a honey baked ham and come on down and join the rest of the saints here on the front row please yes [Laughter] it has come to my attention that we have peace amongst us we have thieves in the temple these people standing here before you have not paid their tithe and offering in over a month he and we cannot fly with the eagles when we got chickens buzzers and vessels hanging amongst us that's right so fairly barely i say unto thee until you can pay your tithes and offerings then y'all gonna let that dog hit you what a good little split shot brother walters play some traveling music would you please it's time to go time to go god for his mercy hadn't been left unto me i'd have lined you all up and shot you let's take a look ah yes all right what was that pastor it's called a new day deaconess you just kicked out our sunday school teacher maintenance man and our choir director well about that what you just did out there wasn't necessary look we could have just seen them to people needing help financially instead of just assuming that they refused to tithe that's finished sunday school teacher and you know what i think it is i've heard those pipes on you you can leave the choir and i'm sure we can find a random crackhead out here with a set of tools we can fix stuff around here that way the 20 can now do 100 of the ministry that is not the way we run things around here my father would have never done such a thing with all due respect to the bishop deaconess it's a new day like i said you know this whole church is in a situation it's in right now due to the disobedience of the peoples in fact this whole town is suffering because of it and i really don't care if the hotel is trapped for cash uh this church will not be we have to teach them how to give well i think i just taught them i think they're figuring out as they're walking through the parking lot pastor this is the biggest offering since bishop warren was alive well well well well looky here would you look at their dad think about the jubilee funny are you with me now of course i am pastor all right sister roberta i would like to accompany you to the bank when you go to deposit this [Music] i hold on to it you know when you come back i'll give it to you okay sure thing faster all right did you need me no uh yeah can you please contact each member from the church today that was excommunicated have them meet me here tomorrow evening at 6 p.m they better have their tires on offering because it's gonna be a real short meeting if they do no problem pastor call me kane please you trying to hit that ain't you look you're not taking this too far whatever want one of these no what are you doing that's for communion man have you tried these with hummus this is some delicious stuff i don't know let's do everything and why are you acting all joe osteen on me man what happened old church hating cage what happened to him i miss him look that wasn't the sermon that i wrote no it wasn't uh i got that from hill robin god blind yeah take him back guys what is this garbage this boy's bag what are you talking about you know that fire squad line i got it from here if you're gonna follow that false prophet then why am i here because we're family isn't this what you wanted no this whole playing games with people's lives enough i didn't sign up for that jay oh but you ain't no problem signing up for hope's draws that'll be yeah i see yeah yeah i'm gonna make it rain yes [Applause] extra large condoms i don't know i'm just playing with your neck i'm turning you your toes that's right however if you can give me a jar to pick a pig feet that would be awesome you are so unorthodox pastor they call me the orthodox jacobs uh reverend uh pastor jacob here help yes sister roberta how are you doing yes yes yes okay so 10 o'clock good for you oh that sounds awesome that sounds awesome you know i was thinking um perhaps after we go to the bank um we could go out and uh maybe get something to eat afterwards yeah yeah you know i'm dying to try some of that soul food in the cage yeah huh what you say so that's better for a dinner kind of thing huh well sister bernie are you trying to ask me out today oh that sounds really nice i'll see you at the bank around 10. okay uh thanks sister hope's phone is ringing i'll talk to you later bye hello hey bishop good morning how's it what hey good morning digging uh what brings you in this time of day is this something you want to tell me jacob cause i just got the phone with bishop and he asked me how passive central's coming okay deacon i'm gonna be honest with you here uh the bishop didn't send me per se you don't say no i um in fact he said everybody else accept me but i want you to know that the god of abraham isaac john paul and ringo uh he sent me here to help you out here and just so you know it's just like when samson told jesse to uh anoint one of his childs to be king and he looked at every other one except that scrawny little kid david well i am that scrawny little kid you know you messed up right [ __ ] that was sammy have you even read the bible before i get the book on tape by the way you about five chicken mcnuggets away from being scrumped oh i know your section 8 grimace ass ain't talking everybody loves jello sit down okay so so what did you tell it i told the bishop we found our new pastor what's in it for you you know how this works i scratched your back now it's time for you to scratch my backs too what do you want i'm sick of teaching them geriatric women have toilet they got the whole room smelling like bengay and purple sets well that explains the lane brian nicki minaj outfit this is blane bryant spring collection okay and what else it's one more little thing pastor small small favor you can do for me pass thanks everybody for coming out and i will see you all wednesday evening thank you so much pastor kane you know i thought i was going to have to turn in my car bro you're welcome and you let us know if we can be of any assistance to you oh i will i'm just so happy to be back in the house of the lord okay nobody do me like jesus okay so was that everyone uh no brother errol was a no show you know what can you give me his number i follow up with him yeah no problem um so that was a a beautiful thing you did for those folks ah that was no big deal you know we got to take the time to see what's going on in the lives of the people to reach the people that's true ministry tell me how did you get your started being a minister uh i kind of just fell into it i guess so when you since you're calling did you answer right away actually it was a lot of kicking and screaming i reluctant when i see yeah i guess you could say that but uh what's your story well i would consider myself a reluctant servant as well really how so i mean all i really wanted to do is get out of this place and i was well on my way until after our father passed well it seems like it's near impossible but i mean he left the church to eula and she makes me feel guilty every time i bring up the topic but she acts like she can she can't do anything without me and she was called to run this miserable place not me well you know for somebody who isn't called i think you're doing a fine job god sure knew what he was doing when he called you you sure have a heart for people thank you did you please sir please love you hey whoa whoa whoa wait wait wait wait wait wait wait sir don't don't brother earl sister hoe you gonna mind your business now i don't want to get no blood on you when i splatter this jack-like food preacher powers all over this your office my i bouncer myself i wasn't myself i needed a snicker but it was i was in the spirit it wasn't my friend brother earl you really don't want to do this oh yeah i do want to do it in one day this sneak-footed preacher that took my entire life from me it's okay he called a meeting tonight to apologize i'm gonna probably say that i'm stopping you damn right you're sorry the only meaning i care about is this bullet meeting your ass he's overzealous and he's outraged at anyone who steals from god he shouldn't steal from you that's what was holding your tithes surely you taught this in sunday school this sunday school is all i got okay well look look look it's okay you're back to being the sunday school teacher what else can we do for you i don't have money to tie he know that everybody know that it's okay we're working that out crops ain't came in i can't can't afford to feed my cattle hell i can barely feed myself i gotta go all the way down to tupelo just to go to a food pantry i am willing to give you half of my salad [ __ ] what i did not come in here for no handout look look it's not a handout it is just a hand up sir just until you get back on your feet come on come on brother just put the gun down come on brother man get the sheriff on the phone little sheriff trying to kill me no i ain't calling no one well i don't need to call nobody i don't know the number 911 what you gonna do just continue to mess up people's lives this money this money isn't worth all this whatever gandhi it's all [ __ ] ass out here you know what i got a date tonight with a beautiful sexy rich widow and if things go the way i want we added at the end of the week [Music] no well after dinner i would love to discuss this wonderful business opportunity that i got uh i was trying to bring strip balls to the surrounding area well let me tell you something these greens are off the square man why thank you you're welcome good lord you have i mentioned that ourselves have more than triple since my husband's passing all right [Music] my latest one oh so this is his secret ingredient no this is my late husband he is the secret ingredient oh god his ashes over everything greens black peas he was nearly 400 pounds when he died that man had asked for days i can sprinkle ass i mean ashes [Music] you don't want to have a threesome [Music] jesus take me [Applause] [Music] yes [Applause] amen good morning good morning it is time for the church announcements i do want you to know that the board has introduced the new tithing campaign motto and the title of it is we have upped our contributions up yours all right also sister roberta called to say that she will not be here today because she's dealing with a personal family emergency but she did want everyone to know she will be here to cook for the pastor's welcome gala hobby damn i mean the lord will damn anyone who eats the forbidden fruit that's all trying to say uh carry on sister please po woman still grieving baby she wants you all that know the words of prayer to please pray for her and on another note now someone's been taking the church communion sense yes it's come to our attention and we need to know who the culprit is if you know call the church hotline because certainly we don't want to go back to drinking wine again the last time we did that brother busby got picked up for dui lord knows we don't want that to happen again anyway that concludes our church announcements please govern yourself accordingly thank you so much all right have mercy person happy hanukkah church i mean um a good good morning uh you know the the word of god is uh it's not a spectator sport it it's participatory you know and um and just like think about on sundays when you go home you get some of your mama's you know big mamas you know aunties uh a good chicken and gravy you know with the dark meat and you know what do you do do you look at it no you you get you some salt pepper you sprinkle that bad boy and you go to town so so so just like that you know when it comes to to the word of god when when the man gives you some good word you know because it's delicious you got to you got to put it on here you got to come up here and sprinkle some some some benjamins some some franklins and some abrahams all over this pulpit right hey amen you know what churchill pastor there's been some rumors going around saying percy can't preach okay and you know what you know what percy heard that when percy was preaching lastly you know what there's been some rumors about my sexuality going around but i'm a happily married man it's just that sometimes i like to party oh good job person you always can do what i do in person well who can argue with that with that said i would like to speak to y'all and let y'all know the seed is the way to the kingdom we hear gun town find ourselves in the same predicament that the old widow in the bible had yeah she was poem i'm talking about poe i'm talking one sunday away from home and that's when the prophet comes to him and he tells her he's hungry and she says i'm sorry but i only have enough flour and oil for me and my babies and she said i'm gonna use this flower and this oil to make a cake for me and my child as a last meal before we die and that's when the prophet said well that's fine you can go ahead make your cake you can go ahead and die but before you do it make me a cake first no i don't think you heard me i said make me a cake first [Applause] if you hear gun town want to end your situations maybe you can't first if you want to step the famine here make me a cake first [Applause] if you want to get your child back on course we'll take his easy bake oven and make me a cake first hey man come on up here bring your money bring your money hey man let's make a cake let's make a case [Applause] [Applause] [Music] come on [Music] [Music] but god has a very different plan if you want prospects god's plan for prosperity is give in order to be [Music] blessed there was no way [Music] hey hey [Music] come on [Music] is [Music] is [Music] [Music] [Music] so [Music] hey what's going on i've i'm just my disposal's backed up well here i can help you okay yeah let me take that you show me where it's at it's right up there i'm gonna get out of these wet clothes all right we're gonna take your time i got this yeah it looks like you just had a washer loose yeah i'm gonna tighten it up she'll stop the leaking hey who are you little nuts uh i'm kane i'm a friend of hopes bo your man is home now get on this body your man uh you must not be from ronnie's person because everybody and i do mean everybody knows that this has been my booth since high school this is kane he he's a minister at the church good maybe you can marry us marry you marry us come on make your own knees man surprise will you marry him why are you looking like that baby i came home to make you my wife to move you to l.a and who was this oh that's just my assistant you know i think i better get going but it was nice to meet you both okay damien uh welcome home and i hope to see you at church [Music] now i'm cool you know i really don't do the whole uh jesus thing anymore but maybe you recognize me i was in hawke's revenge as a stunt dog thrown out of a plane at the end of the movie now that you mentioned that you did do a good job dying i told you let me know if you have any more issues with your disposal thanks so much i'll see you at church sister hope oh come on little bro there'll be a lot of bad [ __ ] in the next town do we have enough to pay our debt showing up got enough yeah we're gonna be off this plantation this time next week you know what in fact me and percy we about to head in this town to see apostle mcintyre you want to roll with don't judge by that face that's a no back i'm gonna say that's a hell no but look while i'm gone jesus keep everything quiet you know no butt naked orgies until i get back [ __ ] you there father i just don't know what the problem is that you got with me but you've taken everything from me my mama part-time brother and that hope you want to look out for me huh yeah but it's cool cause i'm through i'm done with all this hey surprise to see you here yeah thank you congrats on your engagement too seems like a real nice guy and i see you finally leaving guntown too listen that was out of the blue i haven't even talked to him in over a year and i haven't seen him in much longer than that just make sure you let me know where you're registered well i just stopped by to give you a jacket you have a good evening pastor kane yeah you too hey you too [Music] how you doing bro how you doing uh pastor jacob mcgee here to see the apostle you need a vip pass to see the apostle approval right here brother right here discount books and tapes okay this ain't vip enough what are you talking about man i just put a fat ass wad of cash and your old ashy ass hands you gonna talk my name vip enough say what you want it ain't fat enough percy here go go to the car and get out the briefcase [Music] uh my vip pass absolutely have a seat gentlemen yes hey pass it jacob mcgee uh this uh swirly young gentleman is my dick deacon person he's gonna be past this person by the way uh what can i do for you gentlemen are you in need of a special healer oh no no no no no no uh i'm only a member of your organization let me get this straight you want to be one of my sons in the gospel yeah absolutely see this cash right here i raised that in a very short amount of time and i did it in a real small church in the country and and put the right situation if i can do that there i raised 10 times that amount of money probably the quicker you know what we just recently had a situation open up damn irs uh but i'm gonna have to check you out in action first to see if you got what it takes to be a son of the apostle i was kind of just hoping i could come to you oh no i don't need you to audition i gotta check you out under the bright lights you know what our anniversary service is coming up coming up in a couple weeks and the lights are gonna be much better than that confident i like that leave your contact information and uh somebody will get a hold of you and if i'm booked another vip pass like this could just open up my schedule all right that's what i'm talking about appreciate you uh look forward to hearing from you soon all right all right all right you know about the special healing yeah yeah you got anything of a sexual care did it you know what you know what if this goes that way you about to be the new pastor better through hell yeah that's what i'll talk about there's so much power [Music] [Music] please hey youtube congregation please have a seat is there anyone else amongst you who feels that they need a healing please come forward you new pastor well come on down make your way down brother come on y'all give it to him come on brother oh yes yes yes yes um brother thank you for coming down here you look rather healthier than you're in this chair explain to us what is your ailment i have a tumor you have a tumor well let me say to you that there is no tumor so big so disgusting that god who sits on high and look down alone yes can not heal yes amen say that again [Music] all right a salamis yeah [Applause] all right all right okay okay all right okay thank you my brother thank you uh i trust you but yeah i don't count that for me personally okay i'm right where own your body is this foul damage of a tumor oh my god oh my damn [Music] they told you the best in this state percy that's gonna be on you come on no no i i need the healing lord this is your opportunity to show your pastoral [Music] without giving her a concussion you know i need to be able to sit on the toilet right but you see see i'm losing my bowels right now get the hands working my hands well i think you'll be able to sit on the toilet without getting stuck [Music] [Music] oh oh the way you poke me oh yes you do oh oh my god oh yes you are blessed pastor thank you and they say hollywood is weird [Music] you want to see me oh yeah come on bro come on come here hey can you give us a minute or two all right thanks a lot come on come on here bro let me talk to you about hey what are you doing you can't just treat the bible like that oh boy bye if i know jesus coming back look we have a real special guest coming to anniversary sunday if it ain't hiawatha coming to get his money i don't care oh hell no ain't no high waffle look i just need you to be the best sermon you got i'll talk about the best one you got and i need it asap that way i can learn it and be able to recite it for this sunday i don't have it in me jay i'm just not feeling it anymore plus you don't use them anyway what you feel like sitting here maybe every rest of your life hold on you said we was out of here next week we are out of here it just won't be next week what man look i need you to get your little head out of this little puppy love funk that you're in right now cause i got a plan b am i playing b hey now my plan b works not only are we leaving this place but we're gonna leave a stat we're leaving rich all right man that's what i'm talking about but don't get you switching up on me again give me a couple days man i have it for you that's what i'm talking about bro that's what i'm talking about i'm just ready to go home well you just do what i say you do you get the sermon and we out of here we sitting pretty baby okay good morning hey good morning lee young called he said that his mother was sick and he wants to know if he can come by and pray for her you know what go ahead and get that to jacob pastor jacob really yeah he's a pastor it's his job well you know he's just gonna tell me to give it to you because he's busy turning to the word in prayer well now he can tend to that good afternoon god sure knew what he was doing when he called you you sure have a heart for people hey that was rude of me and i'm sorry but i can't go see mrs young that's fine i'll go pray with her on my lunch break you know i need to apologize to you for the way i've been behaving towards you lately hope i think you're an incredible woman and i sincerely wish you the best out in l.a thanks but i'm not going to la you're not no i'm not i'm not marrying him wow i'm sorry i'm sorry to hear that i hope you're not sorry well of course i'm not if you look at me i'm ecstatic of course i'm not sorry well i mean the more i thought about it the more i realized that's not what i wanted i mean i wanna i love what we're doing here out in guntown and i wanna continue this good work with you you know hey i think uh i think i do want to go to mrs young's with you if you don't mind your prayer partner tag now that is i love that [Applause] [Music] check back never mind we found the boss looks like somebody spent a lot of my dough buying some jewelry champ gas up the hall we're gonna take a road trip across state lines gotcha [Music] man percy i'm on my way to the top hey man all i'm saying is you better not forget about me all right i didn't put in work i'm right now maybe i have to come back and persecute you i'm a man of my word anything i say i'm gonna do i'm gonna do all right when i leave you will be the pastor i like that man i can see that now digging past the person can't get a ring to it don't it shall do i've been we up the creek now man what that's the bishop back there where changing that time okay okay just calm down chill chill just pull over i gotta play i got a plan hey brother everything all right yes sir everything's fixed okay you sure yes all right well then maybe you can help me out i'm trying to find location of this clinic between you and me i gotta get the drips oh my goodness that's a bad case yeah uh if you can just tell me how to get there i'm not from around no okay well you around now all right get his feet get his hands get his ass in the trunk we gotta go man we just did it now we just kidnapped the bishop man it's gonna be quiet you look gonna kill me man she's not gonna know okay just be cool she will never find out unified's not everything man i can't go to jail i'm too cuddly they took care of me and i can't fight i'm gonna enter somebody's [ __ ] and i'm gonna have to put on all that kool-aid make up again again paul's hold up what'd you play on the first time no don't answer that i don't i don't even want to look do you want me to pass it or not hell yes i want to be the pastor you got 60 plans the plan what is the plan for the 18th freaking time we're gonna keep his old ass locked up in the basement as soon as the anniversary sunday's over we're gonna put him in the trunk we're gonna drive him across the state line by the time anybody finds him i'm the new apostles protege and you're the new pastor it's as simple as that are you sure this is gonna work yes if you don't mess up it's gonna be perfect okay you don't know what you do it's very simple i want you tomorrow i want you to call around and find the best hotel and give me the best room the hotel no i want you guys to hold your deluxe okay and then i'm gonna go to the bank and i'm gonna get another vip pass out and after that we'll be home free that's it okay home free man it's just too much stress on my body man here we go the asthma is acting up again okay cut my shirt jacob cut my shirt [ __ ] hill i need you to go on downstairs and go ahead and feed the man and okay you know take care of that don't forget to wear your mask okay and where the hell is your other sock you told me the blindfold you put your nasty ass sock on that man's face [Music] yeah crack that way baby oh you scared of snakes too okay yeah i gotta add a condom put your name on it oh what the hell hold on hold on i'm coming i'm coming hey hey hey what's all the fuss digging this oh look i just got off the phone with sister horton she said bishop was on his way here but he never showed up oh what was he on his way here for well i invited him to the anniversary service i wanted to surprise you but but he hasn't showed up yet you want to surprise me huh well i'm surprised what is that smell oh oh that's my new asthma medicine it's um permateam is herbal it's a good one it's so good oh my goodness that's a cure oh yeah absolutely it's giving me a case of asthma give me something else what was that what was what i didn't even let you hear something well you you believe me or your life let's spread those rats we got rats rats gonna come by tomorrow getting some treasures what i ain't going on two to four baby we can't play you okay well that's right we better be going okay listen you know sister has been calling him all day and he will not pick up his phone you just need to rest go home relax trust me it's going to be fine okay sometimes [ __ ] like to take little journeys out by itself to the woods and pray and fast and camp by itself you know he's trying to take me with him but i had to stop going because he likes to sleep in those tight eddie long t-shirts i had to let it go so but don't worry go home relax trust me he's probably closer than you think okay all right okay all right all right i do feel a little better i'm glad he goes off to be with the lord right right right okay go on somewhere and relax we go we're gonna get you some milk and you'll cognac you're gonna be all right baby no no no all right all right hey you you you better take her home and give her a little something and judging by your physique i know it's a little something but look take her home and get her mind off this no matter what okay i don't want to hear it just just do it you can blow this get out of here [Music] i love you um i mean like it's like like a sister in the lord hey man hallelujah kind of love oh love like that females kind of love yes yes exactly that was the word i was looking for well that's too bad my brother because i was kind of feeling that arrows kind of love for you arrows huh you know it's crazy that you use that that word did i say phyllos you know how long i've been waiting to tell you this kane what's wrong we need to talk well can you i mean can you give me a second i'm kind of in the middle of something yeah damn that we got to talk right now later sister you'll call you maybe we gotta go what's the problem we gotta go hi waffa he found us so we got the money we're going don't we about that um we had the money here we are here what you mean we had the money okay where's the money can't we get time to talk about this right now we gotta go okay we gotta go we gotta get out of here can't leave i can't leave jake if you mean you can't leave your hands been trying to leave since you got here look she loves me and i'm not going to leave her man you love her you know that's wonderful you know she's just in time she's just in time for me to get married so she can become your damn widow highway is going to kill you kane i'm tired of running and i'm tired of doing what everybody else wants me to do okay fair enough let me tell you what you're going to do one you're going to snap out of this then you'll get your ass up out of that chair and you're gonna roll with me because we're all we got and mom wouldn't want us to be apart so let's go can i at least say goodbye we gonna have time for goodbye let's get out of here come on come on it's your fault in the first place yeah i know it is man i can't believe you gave our money to that thief man the hell's wrong with you look bro i'm trying to go legit okay you legit really what the hell does that mean legit you wouldn't want you the only one to be legit mama's a little choir boy a little goody two-shoe ass the only person's gonna be legit whatever man you know what you're right whatever all i gotta do is just get to georgia once i get there if i just convince them to give me another shot we'll be fine yeah well you better hope so because you're on your own from now on i'm not writing no more of your sermons i don't need you to write me a damn thing you know what if i can convince all those bible thumping holy rollers i can damn sure convince him and how do you think you're gonna manage to do that you gonna preach this man's message to him well i don't really think that far yet but i get it when time kills i'll figure it out i got a piss i got time for this when time prevails i'll figure it out you know my own business if i want your opinion i'll give it [Music] i thought you gave away our money about that um okay i ain't gonna front ain't friend anymore i'm all done with that look that's not our money that's a jubilee fun legit so your idea legit is kidnapping the pastor stealing the church's money then turning it right over to another crook that's your idea going legit i mean well when you put it that way it sounds really bad you a joke man if you was on life support i'd pull the plug just to charge up my phone oh hell you know what you know what kane you go to hell in fact you go to hell and die in that order see there i'm trying to do something that i feel i can make mama proud of me for man it's too late mama is dead i didn't say nothing you mean out no damn where we family i don't want to hear that i ain't nothing to you and neither was mama and it's because of you man i couldn't even afford to give her a decent burial i won't i don't i don't hear that i don't hear this man i don't hear this all look at you man you ruined mama's life now you ruining mine i ain't ruined nobody's damn life i try to give mom a better life for her and you how by making her go broke blood don't make family i'm out man you ain't up with this damn money that's i'm damn sure i'm taking it back [ __ ] no you didn't yeah i sure did hit me in my [ __ ] i'm taking it i'm taking it back the only thing you gonna take is this ass when you're gonna take some damn money let me go this is my phone hey pastor hey deputy thing all right what you have here i'm i'm casting out an extremely rare demon he says yeah you can see i got casual you need some help no hell no no no no no demons lives matter and it's a very rare demon um only way to cast him out is through um uh uh fasting and prayer so have you have your friends today you know you gotta be able to fast them out you've been fasting oh we better get your little white ass out of this demon he's gone yo well get out of that one you know what i'm taking the money and whatever you do is on you i don't give a hell what you do but you gonna do it without me what you just gonna you wanna continue fighting me what you want come on man come on take take the damn money yeah i don't need the money and i sure as hell don't need joe black ass i need you neither but you might need this i knew there was something fishy about him that boy is greasier than a philistine mop he got me drunk and tried to seduce me then that devil tried to steal my late husband's recipes the nerve of some people trying to take advantage of a grieving winner besides hoodwinking us me in particular and kidnapping bishop are you sure you're going to be okay bishop slight headache deaconess i'm gonna be all right percy i cannot believe you struck me the jacob made me do it bishop sister hope please take bishop to lie down and you should be glad bishop isn't pressing charges against you yeah cause this chunky butt wouldn't survive in jail not with those hips please this is no laughing matter well why did that pudgy thug have to hit bishop like that as i was saying mr mcgee has also stolen our jubilee gift oh my god told you sister hope you should let me shoot that fool when i had a chance brother earl we're not going to point any fingers if anybody is to blame it's me i should have consulted bishop sooner about him what are you doing here get that two-timing thief and get it no no we will not resort to violence look mr mcgee i've called the sheriff i just need a moment to explain please i'm so sorry about what my brother did and i tried to get you your money back but i didn't know anything about what was going on and i had nothing to do with the kidnapping yeah he's telling the truth but i am guilty of one thing and that's misleading all of you i knew my brother wasn't a pastor but we were in deep trouble with some really dangerous people and for that i'm so sorry you need them eyes for sister esther we will do no such thing yeah let god deal with the liar i will have to deal with god's judgment nothing he can do will hurt me more than knowing what i've done to the only people that i love you know you are with my family and i'm so sorry all i wanted to do was earn the money not steal it just enough to pay my brother's death that's all i just asked for all of you guys forgiveness and i promise you i will get back every dollar my brother took from you i swear you ain't too good with kicking promises little brother you people got to get in line see he owes me a whole lot of money and my man champ here is real anxious to get his hands on you and your brother i got an ass rash because of you wait so i get a hold of your brother he put a mean weapon on the chair look mr pettigrew that debt isn't mine so i'm not paying it look if you want your money you're gonna have to find jacob and take it up with him and also i'd like my twelve thousand dollars back look like little brother growing up here [Music] you stopped right there no you stopped country boy uh how much how much boy oh too much for you farmers i got money more money not having one for this man of god thanks brother earl but i'm not the man of god that you think i am you know your fortune was only due to your faith look mr pettigrew you do what you got to do all i ask is that you not do it here not in front of these people let's go kill them all i said he ain't going nowhere whoa there go that insensitive with a rapist rapist you're the crazy deranged chick serving your dead husband of people i come to your house thinking i'm having dinner i didn't realize man which was on the menu he's crazy i see you still have little brother cleaning up your mess oh jesus it seems like we may have made a a wrong turn in albuquerque let's get on the box no no no look at my big break look mr hot water i don't have your money okay give me another chance and i will get your money for you okay it's too late little brother's responsible for the debt now i'm gonna let you do that stop how much how much does he owe you to sit down baby he'll kill him you know you all can mortgage this whole church and it still won't be enough to cover the interest this may be an old church but the roof is still intact uh pardon my manner sister now the sheriff is on the way i would hate for it to appear that you're extorting us how much does he owe well considering the interest no no interest fitty g's what i gave you 12 000 and that case down there at mr mcgee's feet is thirty thousand dollars money for our jubilee gift take that and consider the rest your gift unto the lord you do tithe mr pettigrew i do now all right bishop bishop what are you doing here messing with these people this is really not what you think yeah i'm just here to get a little religion all the way out of state does my son know that you're down here i didn't think it was necessary to let my probation officer know that i was coming down here to drop off this sizable dope nation uh to this fine church gigginess do i need to call my son oh no no that won't be necessary bishop thank you for your donation sir uh my my pleasure sister uh and bishop i want you to know i'm honest businessman now i sell dogs and dildos really what a grown woman can't collect dogs that was insane thank you so much deaconess i couldn't have lived with myself if we would have let that man hurt you and we could have prevented it came back that's what family do guess so thanks man okay all right all right i think you cracked the wheel oh my fault i'm sorry man so okay i probably deserved it yeah that's not all you deserve get him hey which time i get him earl you better take your seat earl hey earl come on now man think about it who else gets your farm up and going like it used to be i did that for your farm that's due to your brother no no we're gonna go okay well look at the church look at all the abundance life that we're starting to live because of the work that i've done that's due to your brother too deaconess the windows of heaven have opened up and are raining down blessings on this whole town and that's because of me jacob mcgee all you did was worship money oh not the only thing i ever did i took your dry snitching cry baby ass non-preaching ass husband and taught him how to preach and i'll tell you right now if i go down it won't be alone you baby i can't go to jail i'm way too voluptuous oh my god go get him please i'm already on it come on jake don't do this hey i'm not going down by myself kane bet i don't bet i don't see what you fail to realize is that bishop isn't pressing charges for the kidnapping so poor percy won't be joining you and when the sheriff gets here i can tell him you stole 1200 as opposed to 30 000 you do the math but you have to go down a man like you can't continue conning innocent people do we have a deal and if not you and your brother can go to jail for the thirty thousand okay we have a deal just leave my brother out of it but deaconess we still need a pastor dickiness it appears to me that the congregants here are just so blessed and so happy with the turnaround of the church and the turnaround of this town and that has been done by this young man right here bishop is that an amen for him to be our pastor just look around if you agree to pass through the church you don't have to worry about the bunny i'll do it on one condition oh so now you have conditions and hope do me the honor of being my first lady i love what we've been doing here and i couldn't continue to do it without you just don't ever deceive me again i promise now we don't have any ex-boyfriends i need to worry about do we no silly [Applause] i now present to you mr and mrs kane mcgee [Applause] [Music] you might not be able to tell that i have not always been safe it wasn't time before my incarceration that i was out there i was being a crook being a con artist like most of you he's gonna see him you wanna be down in the viewers don't tell a person [Music] [Music] i know you don't have much but please give what you can give [Music] [Music] he's gonna see it through [Music] thank you thank you thank you all of you thank you man i said give what you can give and someone chose to save [Music] which one of y'all put this okay you know what that that's not gonna happen okay we're inmates we in but we ain't about to make i don't know what the sermon over going back to yourself [Music] like this what the hell you put all over me you said you wanted to have a place though damn i think i got some in my mouth oh put the gun down okay look we can even start a pantry here how's that sound sound good come on you know you're wrong ain't nobody white such black shoes sister all right well then maybe you can help me out okay we're trying to find a location to this uh this clinic okay i got i got i got the drips real bad i mean everything yeah uh if you can just tell me how to get there i'm nothing around okay all right uh get his feet get his hands get his ass in the trunk we gotta go those

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Id: apCTIu7Mbxo

Length: 109min 33sec (6573 seconds)

Published: Wed May 11 2022