Relationship Red Flags | Sadie Robertson Huff & Bella Robertson Mayo

what's up mother skin fam i am so excited for this very special episode we have a very special guest in the house this is her second time on the way that's good podcast and this time she's coming with a brand new book my greenhouse poetry book we have the author right here it is bella mayo i'm so excited we need a live audience um no i it's actually really funny too because i was like going to say bella rob and then i was like bella mayo like you have a new last name i know it's so exciting that's like the perfect timing too it's the perfect timing and i actually love when i was reading the book how it says like mayo at the top i know it's so fun it's like so different in like every time i even see it i'm like whoa this is crazy this is sweet it's so sweet well we're gonna have a great conversation this is also bella's birthday week what up so birthday week we got a book coming out and she's just turning 19 so you've accomplished a lot in your young years of life um i have to say when i was reading this book i was absolutely shook y'all like i am not a poetry reader i've never read a poetry book and honestly like i just didn't know like i knew i was gonna like it because you wrote it obviously but i didn't know how i was gonna relate to every single page like you said i don't want people to think about me and i was like i'm gonna think about you like i know you i know your story i didn't i thought about me like i thought about the things i've walked through the people that i've been in relationships with and you just crushed it i mean i wish that these cameras were on me whenever i was actually reading the book because i went through every emotion i literally started out and i was like this is so sweet and then i was like oh my gosh then i was like mad and i was like are you kidding me and i was laughing out loud because you're a savage and then i was like yes hope for a future that was like no we're going back then i was like no we're moving forward like it was just like all the emotions and i just loved it and could not sing more praises i got on instagram and just told everyone how awesome it was and i'm like please nobody think that i'm saying this because she's my sister this is actually an incredible incredible book and it is an incredible story um before we deeply dive into this first i want to ask you you know we have to ask a piece of advice so give us a piece the best piece of dating advice you've ever been given considering this is a book about love i think that um i was thinking about this before because we talked about it earlier and i think that like my best piece of dating advice is actually breakup advice which sounds weird but i feel like a lot necessary a lot of dating um there's like one that ends up not breaking up but a lot of them do end up that way and i think so many questions i get asked like people message me on instagram like what's your best breakup advice because so many people are dealing with it and it's so hard and that's exactly why i wrote this book because i was there in that dark place and so i think that my best piece of breakup advice is that you can't wait for closure or an apology you can't wait for it like you have to take it upon yourself to move on and let jesus help you through it like just dive into your relationship with god and you have to like move on yourself you can't wait for someone to like choose to move on you can't wait for someone to have closure with you you can't wait for that apology because yeah a lot of times it's not going to come and you can't beg for it you just have to trust in god and move on yourself and take that upon yourself no i think that's amazing advice you actually even wrote about that in the book about how you waited for like a couple months and you were like super i want to say like anxious and like still really sad and then like it's crazy how the words i'm sorry like freed you in a moment which was a beautiful thing in the book to read that like i'm sorry for you but it was also like an understanding of like i didn't have to waste those couple months waiting for and i'm sorry because the truth is like she said like sometimes that sorry never comes you know sometimes it happens two months later in my case with my story it happened a few years later and so i was like okay i got closure and then i look back and i'm like why did i waste two years of wondering and worrying and being anxious over you know waiting on words like i'm sorry whenever like i needed to let god redeem the story yeah not this person coming back into my life yeah and too many times that happens like too many times it happens that you just end up waiting and waiting and waiting and it never comes and you're losing these great years that could be awesome fun years filled with new experiences yeah new relationships and new people friendships and love and like all of that that you're wasting just waiting for someone else to grow up really sorry it's you that needs to just move on you know sheesh don't you snap in the poetry world snaps um okay i have to say i know you probably better than anyone besides your husband and our mom like we shared a room our whole life i love doing life with you you're one of my best friends but when i read this book i could not believe you wrote this book i was like like i talked to you and like like you're deep like you're you're wise like don't get me wrong i've always known that but this was a different level this was something special i didn't even know you talked like this like i didn't even know this was a part of you so how did you write this book how did you even get inspired to write a poetry book and i know i know you're really deep and like thoughtful but like how did this happen yeah it's so funny because so many people say that mom has said that my other best friend when she read it she was like you were this deep and i was like i know it's funny because you don't know it but anyways when i was in in high school i was freshman in high school and i had this deep fear that like someone was going to read my journal like someone i had this kid if someone was going to read my journal it was going to be like the worst moment in my life i just had that fear and so i started to write with no names so i just started like taking out anyone's name he i wrote he she they i wrote i you like i wrote letter form you did this to me and i felt this and i started writing like that which in turn just i guess turned into poetry and i didn't even realize it that's cool and so i have a whole entire book from the first year i started that that has not a single name in the whole in her book wow and it's really funny because before that i was the person who was like so and so did this and did it in my journal but you did i just had this fear after that for some reason once i got into high school someone was going to read it so i started writing like that and actually when i was in eighth grade um i had like a school project to write a poem and i wrote this poem that won like the school thing and my english teacher um like was so moved and inspired by it that she wrote it on her arms while she ran a world marathon wow um it's actually the one i talked about in the last i love that podcast so um that happened and i think i just kind of was like motivated and encouraged like that my poetry could do this could inspire someone that much to like feel like they could get through such a hard thing in their life like a world marathon like yeah if someone could write that on their arms and it make them like help them get through it then like i wanted to do that forever for those who didn't listen to the last podcast can you remind them of what that poem said yeah um that poem i wrote said um i'm a lion finding my roar i was once a shadow but now i'm much more i will no longer be silent i will no longer be still i am a lion who found the roar i loved it that was the first film i ever wrote i love that that's crazy bella it's so impressive and most of this book she literally wrote when she was 15 years old and it's crazy because you would think 50 year old doesn't understand love like they don't understand like what you go through no no no let me tell you she nailed it for every age and i think that's the holy spirit because you were able to articulate things that people that um are 40 are walking through right now or 50 are walking through right now people in their mid 20s people who are 15 like you covered such a broad group of people um why my greenhouse why is it called that a lot of people ask that and um the reason that it's called that is actually in the book um the first opening poem in the closing poem both talk about this greenhouse and my thought on the greenhouse was that you grow and you grow plants and you grow all this stuff um but one day if you move you have to move it all you know you have to pack it up if if it stops growing and all this stuff if you don't water it if you don't take care of it if you don't nurture it it wilt you know and so that was kind of my idea for it so the opening poem says my garden absolutely mesmerizing i come in i water you i shower you with light and sun all of my days in order to grow you to your best you my greenhouse that never stops growing just like a real life garden i could look it to you all day long i love it and so that opens the book with all the happiness and joy and the book goes through five different stages um falling in love loving heartache second chance and heartbreak and so then once you get through the heartbreak um it ends on a really hopeful note and so after that it closes with the day has come to pack up my greenhouse and move on to the next the child in me kicking and screaming not quite ready to leave its home the mother in me sad but holding a smile knowing it's for the best and all of me grateful for the days of happiness in my sweet little place and equally grateful for the days of frustration as i box up all the sweetest memories as i box up all the growth and leave behind all the pain i say goodbye my greenhouse it's time to plant somewhere near dang and she did you didn't put serena you got a ring on your finger [Music] so whether you're going on a walk a run walking back from the grocery store no matter where you are we all want to feel safe don't we and sometimes it's hard to and sadly in the day that we live but birdie can help you out with feeling safe no matter where you are and just give you a little bit more of a peace of mind i actually have one on my keychain super cute it's in yellow so you don't even notice that you're carrying around an alarm system but literally all you do is you just pull this trigger and it will sound in 130 decibels siren and flashing strobe light to deter an attack it will keep sounding the alarm for up to 40 minutes on one set of batteries and it's totally reusable unlike pepper spray and other deteriorants birdie is 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s-h-e-s-b-i-r-d-i-e dot com slash whoa for fifteen percent off your first purchase that's she's birdie.com [Music] so that's what i love about the book and we'll talk about i wanna go through actually a lot of it but first one i want to hit on what you just said i want it to end hopeful and that was like a really important thing for you because a lot of poetry books don't in that way it's like yeah and on a really which i haven't read but i've heard that in a very like somber note or kind of sad or like what just happened or i'm totally on my feels note um but you ended with hope so what was your intention on that yeah um my intention on that was actually i really wanted the book to end with that like heartbreak chapter because a lot of relationships do in that way and so i really wanted it to end with that heartbreak chapter but i really wanted that hope at the end because with my story i know that like in that time of heartbreak i felt so no hope i felt absolutely no hope i felt like there was no way out no light at the end of the tunnel i felt like i had no idea how i was going to make it out of this this was the worst thing that happened to me which at 16 15 it feels that way you know and so i felt that way at that time but looking at my story like there was hope and like with jesus there always is hope yeah and like when you love the lord and you trust in him and you serve him like there is always hope right and there's always right at the end of the tunnel no matter what happens there's always a greater plan for you and i see that so much with my story like in that moment i felt so like hopeless and like yeah there was a greater plan for me yeah and there was a bigger that's a good story for me well i think when you're at that age and you have such a deep relationship or really any age that you have like this great relationship where maybe it's a couple years you date or you're totally in love and you start talking about marriage you start talking about your future and you really do visualize yourself with them forever you've visioned your kids and your life and where you're gonna live and then all of a sudden it's over it does feel hopeless because you're like wait that was my life and then you're like well what is my life and it kind of feels like your life is over because all of your plans were dependent on this relationship staying together um and so i think you're right that that is a very hopeless feeling however like we don't know the end of our story and god does and like that's why it's so important to like choose to go into the next day because every day there's something new and it talks about in the bible like his mercies are new every single morning and so every day there's a new opportunity there's a new chance there's a new joy there's a new love there's a new story waiting for you and so i love that you did that because i think it's gonna bring girls a lot of hope realizing we've both been there and that feeling of like life is over and we've both moved on yeah and because of jesus before even our guy he redeemed our life restored our life and now we're happily married and thank god we kept going you know okay so we're gonna go through some of the poems in here that i think are just incredible um to start even just what you dedicated it to and i think this really sums up everything about the book everything else i'm gonna let you read but i want to read this because i think that this really takes you into everything and you said and to love you are my worst fear my greatest dream what i look forward to and what i run from you make me feel every emotion you can change my mind in a heartbeat you make me smile and scream yet i always want you back and i was like that is literally it that is like we've all felt that like love is our biggest dream but it's also our worst fear it's the thing that makes us light up and get in it's a thing that makes us cry in our room all alone and it makes us feel every emotion but yet like we keep going back because the chance to love is amazing you know it's it's one of life's greatest you know experiences and so i thought that that started off the book so well um let's go through some of these okay so let's talk about my one and only okay my one and only says people often say you make my world go round and as much as my semi-melancholic self hates to say it my quarterbly self understands what it means you make skating feel like floating you make walking feel like dancing you make running feel like freedom and you make me love me too i love that yeah um one thing i loved about it was you make me love me too and i think that that is a really good thing in relationships is that like you want to be the best version of yourself in a relationship yeah and if you are like falling in love with someone you should also love who you're becoming and so i just thought that was a good thing to note and like in this stage of relationship it was healthy yeah and when um i think when you're found like the right person and someone who's really like good for you and loves you for you and they're like constantly like seeing those like little things about you that you may not even see like how you help others you pick up everyone's plate and wash dishes like the way you do that and like they see that and can call that out in you and say like you are so helpful and caring and like you are exactly what a woman of god should be and like when they tell you that it makes you want to like love your love you too you know and like i think that's what i meant by that like and like you make running for like freedom you make walking feel like dancing like you make every little thing that i do feel good easy and good yes and that's i feel like how it should be and a healthy start to a relationship and i just wanted to note that because um a lot of people ask me dating advice too and they ask like you know how you know if it's a good relationship and i always like to say well are you healthy how are you doing because a lot of times we get into relationships and like if you're not aware you don't even realize how like all of a sudden you're insecure and all of a sudden you are like you know like not doing the things that you've always done like you're get the things that you're gifted and you're insecure about now and like i love that you said like out you loved yourself at that time that's a good thing it's a good thing to be like proud of who you are but um it doesn't stay that way throughout the whole book and i think that's what i want to note later but it did start that way so let's continue on so this one made me cry this is my greatest privilege and um it made me cry for you made me cry from me it made me cry for every girl that's experienced this and i think that most have so read it and tell us about it yeah so my greatest my greatest privilege says the moment you are hurt by the hands of a man the thought of being in another seems reckless to fully love you i had to unlearn the idea i had so strongly held on to that in a man's arms is a dangerous place i often say being loved by you is my greatest privilege and i mean that when i say it because the gentleness of your touch and the safety of your arms are privileges i don't take lightly and will never take for granted so wow um that poem obviously is about being hurt by the hands of a man um and i and it's also about finding jacob and like the love of my life and who like makes me feel so safe and is so gentle with me and so loving to me um and the reason i wanted to write that is because like you said like so many people do go through that and like it is horrible and if you have like i'm so sorry that you went through that that is nothing that anyone should ever have to go through but i do remember after that moment that this story is about is that um i remember thinking the next person i'm with i'm going to be so careful in choosing you know yeah and like i think before that i was kind of just like oh whoever whatever like i was just kind of on a little like dating rampage like oh whoever whatever and then like i got hurt like hurt bad and i think when that happened i was like no not anymore again not anymore well let this happen from now on like it is like i'm going to be so careful and choosing a man of god yeah that's so important and so that is what that kind of is about and important a lot of people have to deal with that that thing of like once you have that happen to you it's so scary to go into the next relationship but it doesn't have to be if you choose carefully after that and you really really really like know what you're getting into like i love how he said it seems reckless because it's the same thing that hurt you that you're stepping into again but it's not the same thing yeah that was one person that's not every person that was one man that's not every man [Music] if you're anything like me you're always trying to make a 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can't know based off like what other people have said like for me for instance like something that happened to me that you know whenever i kind of went through this experience this person that did this to me was you know um in a pastor's family and grew up in church and like everyone loved him so i would never have even thought and and to be honest that's why i was not on guard that's why i was like oh he'll never hurt me so i don't have to tell him the things that i would normally tell somebody one about dating and we don't have to talk about boundaries and you know because he knows that but just because someone knows it doesn't mean someone actually uh obeys it and so i think that that's important that you do protect your heart the bible says guard your heart it's the wellspring of life for from it everything flows and so it's like yeah you do have to guard your heart and if you just continue to go into relationship after relationship and you don't um stop to have important conversations and actually see the person for who they are you will get hurt yeah and i'll say too you could also read this metaphorically like it could also be by the hands of a man as being like emotionally yeah people get hurt emotionally so bad that you would have the same reaction i don't want to get in another one after that like i don't want to get in a relationship after that and like that is reckless too and like that feels reckless to get in another after you get hurt emotionally like that so like i will say like even if you haven't gone through this like but you have verbally emotionally spiritually like however that you feel this like it can be felt in many ways yep i love that in the book you talk about kind of your dating rampage which i did that too and it's like after we had this a great love this person that we really which we'll talk about later the one person that we really fell in love with it was like we were constantly chasing that again yeah even though it was reckless even though it hurt us even though it was bad we wanted that love again because once you feel that you crave that yeah and that is really what got both of us hurt and so i think that we need to talk about a key point in dating right now of like if you're going to continue to date like you have to become a healthier version of yourself before you step into another relationship because a man cannot provide for you the things that only jesus can you can't heal your heart he can't redeem the story he can't like he can be a part of the redemption story he can be a part of the healing but he in and of it himself cannot come in and be like you're complete god because he's not god you know yeah and the thing too about dating rampages is like which that's what we're gonna call it but dating like when you go through those like dating rampages it's like they all end at like a abrupt stop a horrible stop and it's like when you hit that it's like i'm never doing this again you know and it's like horrible but it's true it's like sadie had that moment like when she was about to date christian like i am not dating anyone for months because it's like you get so hurt by so many people that you get to a point where it's just like i can never do this again yeah you know when it feels like that like i will never ever get in another relationship which obviously we both did yeah but the thing is like sometimes those do teach you and sometimes they do really really like like like they melded me to who i am to like choose jacob wisely because honestly like the when that all happened i was like i'm never dating again i was like i'm not dating for years like i just don't even want to think about it and it was like another year and a half before i met jacob but like when i met jacob i was like okay like i think like this is what like i've been waiting on you know yeah and like i think that like so you said like i was the same way like i fell in love with someone and when they hurt me i was like i don't even care about like that love anymore i just want to do whatever like i want i want to date whoever i want i want to get i just want to you know i just went into this crazy rampage yeah just like i don't want to think about that i want to think about anything else but you know and i think people do that through a lot of different things you can numb your feelings and you can numb the want for love in a lot of different ways and the truth is like you don't need to numb it because love is a beautiful thing but the thing that we all have to realize is that we don't need to be chasing love for the things that um only are that that we think only a relationship of love can give us because god really is love in the fullness of love and so and so when we date from the place of love knowing that we're loved knowing that we already have that joy knowing that we have those feelings of fun and someone we can call on and someone who is with us like that is who god has to become before you can actually fully find it in a man so we were constantly chasing the scene that we loved no wonder we loved love love is awesome love is intended it's a part of our creation but it has to be in the healthy way and yeah and god's version of love is the only true healthy and then in relationships it's going to be a little broken but having god in the center it keeps it so so good and i think one thing that we can talk about too and i know we have to move on but for me after my little dating rampage and why i was so adamant on like not moving on and not dating someone again the day before i met christian is because i didn't trust myself i was like i is that only even a man anywhere i don't trust me like i don't think i'm in a good place like i i don't trust the way that i do relationships um i don't trust the way that i even like sometimes i feel like i can't read people well i feel like i don't i'm not setting myself up for success and i think when you get to the point where you don't trust yourself um that can be really hard to maybe you're there maybe you're like look it's not even the guy's fault i don't trust me and i think that's whenever you really need to sit down and get healthy and um that really slowed down the process of me and christian dating which i think is what led us to getting having a successful relationship yeah and i think so many people say like that cliche quote like you'll find them when you're not looking for them and like i think it's honestly like a lot of that is true like when you finally sit down and you're not worried about it and you're worried about working on your self and your relationship with the lord like you do find it and yeah when you're just looking for every single person ever like you you end up in these crazy relationships that you never wanted in the first place yeah but when you actually sit down and really work on yourself yeah work on your relationship with the lord and focus on who you're with and not with just someone yeah like i think the moment you realize you don't need a boyfriend you don't need a guy you need the man of god that is for you you don't need just a boyfriend like yeah i think i so many times like i just want a boyfriend i don't need a boyfriend like i don't i didn't need that i needed the person a good person like a good man i didn't need just yeah to have a man you know yep that's so good mom always says that you can only change you you can only control you that's so true because a lot of times we're like oh well if this guy would just do this and if this person would just do this then i'd be happy then i would be secure then i'd be that like don't let your feelings of what you know you need in life to be contingent on another person responding yeah um well anyways we could talk about this all day long but we have to move on i really liked um well we could really talk about both of these but my shape shifter part uh page 46 and 47 my warrior which my warrior is kind of short um so read these because i think this is a crucial point and this is kind of a turning point in a relationship yeah so this is where it starts to get like a little rocky i think um and i think a lot of people feel this like oh no like this when this starts to happen it starts to go a little crazy but um my shapeshifter part one says i wake up every day wondering which of you i'll get will i get my happy bold and smiley boy or my quiet calm loving one will i get my standoffish mute straight face boy or my silly singing fun one i love every side of you even the ones that make me mad i can't help but love you are a mystery book i can't stop reading would you stop there because that's so good and i will say this doesn't necessarily mean this is an unhealthy relationship like me and christian some days like we're really happy and it's really fun and we're dancing and we're singing and then some days we're just like yeah you know and like that's the life like you're gonna have emotions and you're gonna have moods and stuff like that but i do think you need to be aware of how much one mood is and i said that because of this there's a lot of parts in the book and we'll talk about is that you're trying to remember like you're trying to remember the bad things so that you don't get trapped with only the good thoughts and i like to tell girls i'm like look the first three to like three months of relationship is not an indication of who they are that is that's going to be fun it's going to be flirty it's going to be silly you're going to be dancing you're going to be getting flowers it's going to be fun it's the months after that that show you who they are and i think a lot of times it's like six months in you see a different side of them and then that that person continues and then from six months to a year they're that person and you're like oh but that's not who they are that's not who they are and you're thinking back to the first month you met them it's like well maybe actually they're now showing you who they are yeah maybe that wasn't who they are and this now and this is how it is for sure and i think what this poem is is like it's a little bit of like a indication to what's about to happen in the book yeah but it also like the book could end right there and it would have been happy you know it would have been fine i said i love every side of you even the ones that make me mad and like that's true of jacob i love every side of him he makes me mad sometimes but i still love him you know yeah and like it could have ended there and been happy but it also like kind of foreshadows what's to come yes i think that's why i wanted to note that it's because this is still okay this is so okay if people are moody it's still okay if you get mad or annoyed and stuff like that but as you continue you'll see more of why um like when it when it shifts to like okay maybe now i'm only remembering the good times and maybe the good times were a true indication of where you're at as a person um i also love my worrier which was the very next one yeah my warrior says your biggest fear is hurting me in the end what do i have to do to help you understand there doesn't have to be an end and how many boys have told you this like oh i just don't want to hurt you and like how many times do you just want to scream and say they don't it's then don't don't hurt me there doesn't have to be an end like don't you know and like i feel like that happens in so many relationships yeah and a lot of times that's another foreshadow that like maybe they are going to hurt you and that's why they're scared to hurt you and be honest i've experienced this in friendship too i have experiences with uh girl friendships where they'll say like i just don't want to hurt you i don't want to hurt you and i'm like no you're not gonna like why would you hurt me and like you're almost like confused why somebody would say that like then don't like just don't leave don't hurt me don't do that and it's almost like that person knows that they're not capable of being a friend to you or they're not capable of being in this relationship because they know where they're at spiritually or where their health is and in those moments instead of begging you probably should just listen i think hindsight 20 20 have learned that sure i used to beg now i listen and now i'm like and i think like i said at that one too like it could cut off right there and like it would have been happy and might have probably and well you know like people who you end up with could say that to you too but like also like that could foreshadow like okay maybe they're saying they are scared to hurt you because they're probably about to hurt you yeah you know and like maybe you should like say you said just listen to that you know yeah that's good okay so this one was probably my favorite this one got me this one stunned my heart okay it was so accurate and i think this is where we go from that moodiness to like an actual problem i think this is what i mean by it took a turn yeah for sure my continual heartbreaker says sunrise it's like we meet again for the first time breakfast rolls around and we fall right back in love afternoon and we're on cloud nine laughter and kisses evening comes and we're arguing about the smallest of issues yelling and screaming anger and hurt by dinner we don't even know how to talk to each other midnight the moon is up and so are the stars i'm back in bed tears streaming down my face wondering how we fell this far i managed to fall asleep but hours later the sun rises and paralyzed by time we wake up and do this all over again this was the story of my dating life oh my gosh oh and paralyzed by time i was like that is literally what happens you wake up and you run it back you do the same you do the same thing every day you wake up and it's great and everything's fine you get if you're not together you get the good morning texts you're all happy you get together you have a great breakfast yeah and then the day goes on and it just gets worse and worse and by midnight you're like what am i doing and then you fall asleep and by the time you've fallen asleep crying you wake up in the morning and it all starts over again in a minute you're like this is it like we need to break up like you like you kind of know it's like you know this is wrong like you know here we go we did it again and you're like okay tomorrow like we have a serious conversation then you wake up and it's like it's morning you're like good morning it's like time just like stands still like you wake up in the morning you have this great morning you've go by the time you're in bed you're crying yourself to sleep and then when you wake up you forget about it yes it's like and can i tell you something girls out there in the world who are in this pattern um this does happen a lot this has happened to me in a couple of my relationships this did not happen to me in my worship with christian yeah this is not the story of a good relationship this is the story of an unhealthy relationship and i think that's what people need to realize there is an unhealthy type of relationship and there is a healthy this does not have to be your story and so if this is your story then this needs to be the end of your story and you need to move on to another greenhouse you know for sure and so i just wanted to make that note because people are like this is how relationships are no that's how unhealthy relationships are yeah and i think one thing to note too is like the reason i write this book is like for you to have words to those things and like for you to like actually realize what like that is you know and i think like say you said like this was the story of her dating relationship you know and she didn't even see it he was just like that paralyzed by time and wasn't seeing it and like i was there too and then once i got out of this relationship i wrote this and i was like so many people need these words because it's like i didn't have those words in that moment i was like oh this is just horrible and life is horrible and every day is horrible and you know but like if i would have read this book this would have been an alarm clock like this would have woken me up if i would have read this book in a relationship i would have been like i'm literally reading my story right now and it would have woke me up and so girls like if you're reading this and it is an alarm clock wake up like listen to the sound good morning i i remember in like this big relationship i was in that all this happened and i remember having like a really hard day really rough day together and i sat down and i wrote a poem about it and i just like read it to him and like when i read it to him he was like oh it all makes sense like i didn't understand this and now it makes sense and that's what i like wanted with this book is like for girls to like have a way to like express themselves if they don't have those words you know because like a lot of times you don't have those words and if you need my words take them like use mine like i i i used them they were great you know they helped me you know yeah so that's so good okay so you talk about this inconsistent love and one thing that i thought was very important because this is something to majorly know if you're in the situation is you said i can't sit at a stop sign peacefully anymore because this relationship was taking every part of your thought and i've totally been there where it's like you're so into this relationship where like it's maybe even manipulative it's maybe all-consuming it's hurtful and you've said things you're arguing constantly so you're constantly playing it all in your head yeah and like what what could you say what should you have said why did he say that what hurts you're dealing with all this stuff and it's so consuming that like you're never at peace yeah and i remember there was a time in my relationship when i was about to end it and someone asked me um sadie do you have peace and i looked her in the face and i said i'm going to be really honest with you i don't even remember what peace feels like i i can't remember the last time i felt peace yeah that is not good that is not healthy in fact jesus it talks about this part of the fruit of the spirit the bible talks about this is that there is a fruit of the spirit of god that is peace and so when you're living in a healthy relationship or you're living within a godly relationship part of the fruit of that should be peace and so when i was in this relationship for years and i couldn't remember what peace felt like that should have told me this is not a good relationship and this is not the risk i need to be in because it's not a relationship that god is in you know for sure i love that well i love that you said that because i think that that is a wake-up call for people now my indecisive one i think this is um important mainly the last scene that you said yeah so the whole poem talks about how like someone just like you don't get to just have me when you want me not everything is on your terms like that's what this is talking about when she's not responding all of a sudden you miss me i don't deserve that because if this is how someone treated my friend that would be exactly what i would tell her you don't deserve that pretty girl and like i remember like writing this i remember being there and being like oh like i just constantly sit and i wallow in my thoughts about it maybe maybe maybe you'll just call me or maybe you'll text me or maybe you'll love me today or maybe you will be there today you know and like i like all of a sudden remember sitting down and thinking like if this was how someone treated anyone else that i loved like i would never ever let that happen you know yep that's what i always tell girls whenever they say like but he's my best friend and i'm like but does any one of your best friends treat you like this yeah no then then this is not your best friend this is just your emotions you know and so i love that you said that and if you look at your relationship and say i would tell any of my friends to get out then i should pay attention to that um okay let's move on i want you to talk about my straightforward love so my straightforward love um is talking about how someone once told me that you could be with someone a billion times better than me and i told them no i don't want better i just want you and i said foolishness looking back i think how do you not know you're better than that but the truth of the matter is that that is what love does to you love makes you forget all of the bad things when love feels threatened it sends all of the sweetest memories to the forefront of your mind so that even if you wanted to even if you knew it was true you couldn't agree and i think in that moment it's just like like i said like when love feels threatened it's gonna send all the sweetest memories to you to the forefront of your mind and like and maybe it's not love maybe that's the wrong word for it because it's probably not actually love but i do think that's what happens like when you feel like oh no like this isn't good like someone like thinks they could like i could be with someone no no you couldn't actually like no no no i don't want better i just want you like i like you so much i want you i don't want better and you do and like it's almost like lust even like when lust feels starting of course it sends all the attractive images to your mind and relationship too it's like no no like you still want me like you're you're almost addicted to me you you crave me uh because of all these good things yeah but lust hurts you yeah is not love and in the long run it's like actually no why am i fighting for less whenever i could have love yeah and it's like i said like you could be with someone a billion times better than me and like in that moment like i didn't want to be that person who could be with better i wanted to be with the lowest of the low you know who deserved better like i wanted to be the person who deserved you because like i look like you liked me at one point and like that made me want you you know i remember i had a guy tell me that too you could be with anyone you want i'm like no but i just want to be with you i just want to be with you and i think that a lot of times when guys say that it's out of their insecurity knowing that knowing that i'm not treating you in a way that you deserve and again instead of arguing and begging you should probably just listen yeah so um my boy who's not all that says i laugh when people think i have the perfect life the perfect face the perfect body with the perfect friendships and of course the perfect boy little do they know it's all so far from perfect and i think this is one of the only poems in the book that really isn't about relationships too much and i think it's a lot about my life like i think a lot of people look at me and would like to say like oh she has the perfect life and the perfect boyfriend and the perfect body and face and you know and like people can think that from instagram but like no one really knows you know my real life you know and like now like of course like i'm married to like the most amazing man and like love him so much but like at the time when i had these boyfriends people were just praising these relationships like oh these are the best and like it almost made me not wanna like lose that relationship because i was like oh well people are saying it's the best people are saying it's awesome like people love it you know i literally wrote about this in my book too that like almost people's comments and stuff convinced me that it was real yeah i was like oh we are relationship goals like oh we are really cute oh like people think that we're awesome maybe we are but like i knew we weren't like yeah but their comments helped me stay in something that wasn't unhealthy which is crazy but only you know that you know yeah only you and the people close to you and the people who love you know that and like that is one of the big downfalls with instagram is like so many people like look at you and like think they know and like it's really hard on sometimes from the people who are behind the screen because it's like no like you don't know like you don't know what's going on you know and i remember um when me and that person broke up like i got messages on instagram saying like why did y'all break up like y'all were so perfect like what did he dump you did you do something wrong like and it was just like so overwhelming for me to think like you have no idea you know you don't know and like that's when i wrote this like like so many people think this and like at the end of the day like you don't know everything and to be honest this is not just an instagram influencer issue this is like maybe you're like the it couple at your school maybe you're the couple that's been together for three years maybe you're the couple that everyone loves and since y'all were little everyone said you're going to get married but like just because everyone thinks something only you know only you know if this is a healthy relationship only you know this is a guy for you no relationship's gonna be perfect but only you know if it's perfect you know um and if it's not then it's okay to upset everyone's else's expectations rather than you actually having like a a sad life you know yeah and you do have to like uh one day like i said earlier like you have to move on like you have to be the one to choose that and like you have to be the one like when everyone else is praising a relationship that you know is wrong like you have to be the one to make that decision for yourself you can't just rely on everyone else to tell you what to do because no one else knows and like even if your family like everyone loves your boyfriend or something and everyone's like why would you ever wake up like y'all are perfect we love him you know like like you have to be the one to choose that for yourself yeah you have to be the one when you know the real story to like make that decision yep even if it shocks everyone it's okay that's okay um okay um let's go to my one who keeps me guessing and i thought this was an important point because i do think this is the part of relationships that people don't expect to be bad and it's the worst yes because i think a lot of times the first things i said i noted are like the ones everyone thinks about and you don't think about this next one but it says um the fall of the love the egg the break they're the worst of them all must be the wondering and i think that's so true like the ache and the break are horrible but like the wondering what's going to happen like what is he thinking why are you going to get another yeah really trip is he going to call me is he gonna text me what does this mean he did text me yeah are we gonna give it together has he changed yeah like and that's the whole thing on closure too it's like it's like you can't just wait on someone and you can't just wonder and wonder and wonder and wonder and wonder like at some point you have to just say okay it's over like i'm done i'm moving on like even if you weren't i moved on like yeah i can't sit here and just wonder all day long and some of you might wonder how do i stop wondering how do i stop my mind from going there because my mind is constantly thinking about him it's constantly thinking about what we were it's constantly wanting to go back i mean literally the bible tells me you have to take captive your thoughts like take them captive like shift your thought pattern and to shift your thought pattern you actually have to like shift it you have to say something you have to say like like in your mind or out loud like nope like i used to say nope like out loud because i think about that anymore yeah and i would think about the verse like think about whatever is true whatever is lovely whether it's pure whether it's admirable whatever it's just really think about these things and honestly that verse is like pretty long it has so many words that sometimes i'd forget the verse but it would help me get off the thought pattern i'd be like whatever is true whatever is lovely whatever is kind and like even just having something to like combat the thoughts of relationship helped me to move forward and so yeah i think you need to get something in your mind that you think about when you think about that person yeah and we weren't actually going to read this one but it just came to my mind but it's on page 82 it says my unreliable boy and it talks about where do we stand in the wondering when where do we stand when i don't know if you're coming home when do i get to say okay enough when i get to set call but you said forever when who do i get to run to when your love runs out who do i get to tell when you say it was a game what do i do when it's just me left with the wondering left without and like the truth is when you're left in wondering you're left without like you're left without someone you're left without something you're missing you feel like you're missing something and like the truth is you're not like you have the lord and like if you like have the holy spirit in your heart like you have peace and joy and patience and kindness and goodness faithfulness self-control you know you have all these things and you have a friend and you have yeah a companion you know and like and in that time like a feeling like you're just wondering like you feel like you're missing something but like you have to rest assured that you're not you know and isolation is like one of the most dangerous places to be and i think the wondering is the only place that you're really left alone because with the fall and the break and all those things like people are in it with you like people know you broke up people know where you're at people know it's hard no one knows your thoughts no one knows that you're constantly thinking about this person that you're constantly about what was it you're constantly thinking about the hurts or the or the good times or whatever it is and so if you don't invite the lord into your thought life because that's the only person who can be in then you really are in a dangerous zone you know because you're left with thoughts that can be totally irrational yeah and i remember writing who do i get to run to when your love runs out and i remember writing that and the feeling of like like who do i get to tell this to because like in that time i was also wondering so i was like if you come back i don't want to tell everyone that you stopped loving me you know like i don't want to tell everyone this so like i'm wondering like who do i get to run to because i don't know who to tell like you know and i remember feeling that so deeply like i don't want to tell any like i didn't tell i was like i don't want to tell anyone i broke up with them because i don't want anyone to think anything wrong i don't want to thank anyone to think that i was wrong or i did anything wrong like i just wanted to like hide from it all and like i didn't think there was anyone i could run to but the truth is like you do need like isolation is such a scary place to be and like you need community and you do have to talk to people yeah that's why even the bible says like confess your sins to one another like even like yes confess to god but like also talk about it with like to a friend because you can't carry it all by yourself because if you do like you'll make bad decisions because like what your friend does not have is the emotions that you have so your friend can say hey look i know this feels this way but this is what truth is this is an unhealthy relationship and sometimes you can't see that and they can say hey you don't need to go back to that because i remember after i got out of this relationship that was not good for me that i was in for a while um years went by and then this person showed interest in me again and i almost went back and i remember somebody was like how how much do you like and like how much do you want to go back out of 10 i was like 10 but i had told this person everything bad like i told them like all the bad things all the hard things the unhealthy things and she's like okay like let's think about this for a second like why do you want him so bad and it was because i could only remember the good things i could and i was just yeah and so your friend needs to be in it with you because she can remind you or your parents or your family that they can remind you like hey i know it feels this way i know that's what your emotions are telling you but the truth is this is not a healthy relationship for you and this is not you at your best you know and you have to be willing to listen so there was one that goes kind of with everything i'm saying um about how like when you're not healthy like it stills the essence of who you are you know like when you're an unhealthy relationship it can still the essence of who you are and like only sometimes a friend can say that to you it's like you're not being yourself like we're losing you and sometimes you don't even realize it and i think my love that left me really um captures that beautifully yeah um so it says the weeks following the end of our flame were a blur i was never fully there and if my body was it's safe to say my mind wasn't everywhere i went my head was somewhere else i could hear but i wasn't listening i could touch but i wasn't feeling i could watch but i wasn't seeing why is it fair that no one got all of me because you wanted none of me and i think like that happens so much you like the one before this says actually um that um ever since you i don't show up i don't spring smile as big i me i don't bring the party i'm not the same person i was and like i felt that like i didn't feel like i was myself anymore i felt like i lost something yeah and like the truth is like like it's not fair that no one gets you because someone didn't want you yeah and like um i actually wrote this one day when i was at lunch with you i read it after being at lunch with you because me and cindy went to lunch together and i remember getting calm and thinking i have no idea what we talked about like i don't even remember what we talked about i don't remember what we did i don't remember like i don't remember anything about that lunch because my mind was in a different place and i remember thinking that's so unfair that i just had lunch with my sister it was probably a great day she probably didn't think anything of it was probably like an awesome lunch and i don't remember any of it and i remember thinking that's so unfair that someone wanted none of me someone didn't even want me and like i can't give myself to anyone else because of that you know that's so real and the thing is like so many people do want you and somebody who would do love you even me that day like i love you i wanted to be at lunch with you but yeah because this other person who didn't care for your heart is uh making you feel less than like you couldn't be present with me and i do think like y'all need to realize that just because one person doesn't love you doesn't mean you're unlovable just because one person didn't want you doesn't mean that you're unwanted like there are people in your life who are outside of that one person with their own messed up problems who love you and want you and cherish you and see the things in you that god has put in you and wants to cheer you on and so do not make your world so small that it revolves around one human yeah that is very important yeah for sure and like just a few poems before that actually i wrote like how are you everyone ask every part of me wants to say i'm so good but i close my eyes i hear my screams i feel my shattered heart i can see my tears and i shake my head swallow my pride and say you know i've been better and like that was like a really raw moment for me to like not just say oh i'm good because i think we do that so much and i think that's what led me to like not being where i was because i kept saying i'm so good and i wasn't you know and like i just thought like that's really important because like when you're in that moment like that's how you get to those moments where you aren't there that's how you get to where you're not present with others is when you just fake it and say i'm good i'm good i'm good and you don't say you know i've been better like i'm not good right now and i'm not okay yeah that's something about myself that i want to work on because i always say that like oh i'm good i'm gonna get it and then like a year later i'll be like oh i wasn't the worst spot ever and everybody's like what yeah i'm like yeah i probably should have said that because people would have walked through it with me and like so yes and just like we said like you lose that time like you lose that time wasting it being in your head like oh i'm good and then you're sitting there like oh i'm not good at all yep so true all right let's read two more two more this is one of my favorite ones as well i think it's very crucial because it talks about remembering and that's the thing i talked about you forget like you think you could never forget the pain you think you could never feed the tears you think you could never forget how mad you were and how horrible it was and then the minute they come back with the sweet text you're like gone yeah i love you let's get that together um and that's wrong and so i thought this one was was great so let's read it i closed my eyes because my mind is playing a film the opening scene pulls me in as it shows you flashing that pretty little smile at me i laugh as it shows your eyes wandering around the room with the hope that they don't somehow meet up with mine my heart races as i watch you throw me over your shoulder in the pouring rain and hurry me to the car but even though i know the ending nothing prepares me for the final scene when you walk away for the very last time with swollen eyes i try to remember every detail every muscle in your back every hair on your head i must remember for times like this when i forget how cruel the ending is and i want to watch again i must remember it's so good because it's so true you want to watch it again because you only remember the beginning but then when you see the end you're like oh yeah that wasn't good for me yeah um the last one i want to read is very hopeful in my past life and i think that this is what i want to read because i want people to understand yes you go through those things yes it hurts yes it sucks yes it feels like the end but it's not and you will move on you might be in the place right now you're like i will never move on i can't move on you don't know my story we might not have walked in the exact shoes you walked in but we walked in something very similar and so um this is your hope that you there will be a day that you won't think about him anymore there'll be a day where you don't cry over the heartbreak and there will be a day when you look up and you see the love of your life and yeah it's all okay yep you feel like another lifetime to merely think of you as an out of body experience me with you and me without you two people i've known deeply although one keeps drifting further and further away between me and you i just can't keep up anymore i love that and i know there's more joy at the end of my past but i thought that was good to just show you moved on like you moved on your mind moved on your heart moved on your life moved on and now you're sitting here let's actually think about you for a second a married woman in a healthy relationship with a good man not that you won't have problems not that you won't have annoyances but but you're in a healthy relationship and the fruit of jesus is in it god is in it and um i'm so proud of you and i'm so proud of you for articulating all of this in a book and giving girls the words to say and to attach with the emotions that they feel that are sometimes very hard to understand you know yeah and i just want to say to all of you if you've listened to this podcast and you're like i just listened to an hour of this book and i'm so inspired i'm so encouraged you haven't even read the half of it like that that was some highlights that i loved but everyone is so good i really could have read all of them but i don't want to give away everything in this book and so please go get my greenhouse it will help you through the the good times the hard times the unbearable times and you know send you forth into a great future maybe you've already moved on you're like me and bella you're married you're like i'm good i don't want to relive that but it actually is very healing it's like it it kind of reminds you of it but in a sweet way yeah hey i went through that but i'm stronger now i've moved on and so i hope this encourages you i know it will but you crushed it i can't believe you thank you at your age and i can't even not even just your age you can't believe that you did this because this is a gift to the world and so thank you for writing this book everyone go get it you can get it anywhere books are sold right yep anywhere books are sold thank you so much my real hope for the book is that it brings healing to anyone who reads it and it brings you words to your pain and words to your joy and i hope that um whoever reads this finds some sort of healing or even just some sort of joy just to yeah reminisce you know well um but that's exactly exactly anyway what you did anywhere bugs are zoned go get it and follow bell on instagram bella what is your instagram that's just belly rob bellarmia bella rob mayo go follow her keep up with her life because it's awesome thank you [Music] you

Channel: Sadie Robertson Huff

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Id: 7g0A55HD0fI

Length: 60min 51sec (3651 seconds)

Published: Wed Sep 15 2021