r/AmiTheA**Hole For Refusing To Apologize For What Was Found In My CHILDHOOD DIARY?

g'day there guys just want to say thank you so much for watching it really does mean the world to me and um it's your host marky welcome back to another episode of r slash am i the a-hole i really do hope you enjoyed today's content please tell me what you think about it down below and that's all i have to say enjoy the show thank you posted by user horror potato 64.99 titled am i the a-hole for refusing to apologize for a childhood diary and getting angry my privacy was violated i 25 female took in my dad stepmom and stepbrother while they were getting some major repairs done on their home during the time they were with me my stepsister 22 female was there to see them she decided to snoop in my home my dad and stepmom let her she found an old diary i had and read it she got upset by the contents of it mostly because i wrote about how i hated having her in my life when my dad first married her mum and saying she was annoying and bratty and i wished that she could live with her dad out of state all of this was written in a diary when i was ten she freaked out when i got home i asked her who gave her permission to look through my stuff my dad told me to calm down i told him they should have stopped her my stepmom went nuts saying it was horrible that i ever wished her daughter was sent away it got a little nuts between us all my stepsister demanded an apology for the stuff she read i told her i was the person who owned an apology because she went into my private space uninvited and snooped through my stuff she told me it didn't matter because she uncovered something that deserved to be uncovered i told her it was that kind of attitude i didn't like about her back then this set the three of them off at me and i ended up telling the three of them to leave my step-brother wanted to stay with me but his mum wouldn't let him they have since reached out asking me to apologize i stand firm in not apologizing and being the one who is owed an apology am i the a-hole i don't think so you were 10 years old and she was snooping through the house i don't feel like this is something worthy or groundbreaking or something that needed to be uncovered i feel like she's just using this as an excuse to vent and get angry at you there is genuinely no logical basis to this who cares what a 10 year old wrote yonks ago it's 15 years ago that he wrote this do you think that he hasn't changed in 15 years you crazy not the a-hole i can't deal with people like this not the a-hole your step-sister basically just proved that ten-year-old you was correct and a very astute judge of character i would hate to be judged so harshly on crap i said when i was 10. kids are a-holes often unintentionally or unknowingly rop at 10 wasn't even an a-hole just right not the a-hole and gosh you were 10 and they violated your privacy they should apologize to you that's a pattern for her has been since i met her which is why had i known my stuff would have been locked up a lot tighter in general so she couldn't snoop no wonder you dislike her she sounds like a massive pain in the ass always was admittedly in the beginning it was a little bit of jealousy mixed with her being annoying and me grieving my mom but she was always a snoop and she was always a demanding person she felt like i owed her the title of sister she felt i owed her being friends and spending a lot of time playing together and she did not like hearing no for anything so it made for some pretty crappy moments back then not the a-hole this is crazy it is very immature to flip out over something that happened 15 years ago even more so given that you were a child i'm amazed that they asked for an apology after going through your private diary the nerve of some people and opie replies it doesn't shock me too much in general she was like to get away with a lot when she was a kid that only she would get away with it's so weird to me how you don't give a crap about letting someone grow up like that my dad apologized a few years ago so our relationship got better because of it obviously he wasn't really sorry your dad is worse than your step bro that's really weird not the a-hole of course posted by user throwra 420-98 titles am i the a-hole for not giving my food to my aunt i'm 17 male i really like cooking and i'm very good at it i wish to become a professional chef when i grow up and have already written a cookbook everybody in my family knows this about me and on several occasions i have made with the help from my sister meals for family gatherings that said i do not like sharing my food once i take food onto my plate i don't like anybody else eating from my plates i love food and always make enough so that i will feel full if other people are going to eat i do make extra however i enjoy taking a full plate servings of my favorite dishes and like to finish it all my parents know this and so does my sister usually nobody else asks for me to share my food with them yesterday my mother and aunt went out for dinner and i was home alone i made some crock-pot spaghetti and meatballs and sat down to eat in front of the television after five minutes my mum and dad came back home i asked them how dinner was and they said it was fine my aunt saw me eating spaghetti and told me how mouth-watering my food is i thanked her and i continued to eat she kept eyeing my plate as i was eating and i felt a little uncomfortable my mum saw this and said hey why don't you give some to aunt meg i chuckled and said oh sorry there's none left if i'd have known you wanted it i could have made more my aunt said that's okay you can just give me half of yours i was a little taken aback and i looked at my mom but she nodded at me urging me to give her my food i said didn't you guys have dinner already she said yes but you know i can't control myself around your food she even went to the kitchen and got a plate and fork for herself and was coming to where i was sitting to take food from me i stood up and said hey i think i'm gonna finish this in my room and i went to my room and locked the door and finished my food by the time i came out my aunt was gone and my mother was very mad at me for disrespecting her like that was i in the wrong here um what what what's their problem what the hell you may make good food but that's no reason to be like you know what give me half the food you're eating i've had dinner but i want your food too i just find that so odd and disrespectful to do that to someone who's just made their own meal and you've already eaten there is no justification for this how do you feel disrespected when someone is eating their own dinner and they refuse to give you half who cares there is there's no way that you can justify this i don't think anything short of this man calling a gun on her and saying step away from the plate man before i ka blam uh would make you the a-hole that there isn't anything else there so i'm gonna go with not the a-hole for this one you're living in crazy town the fact that your mom got mad for that is just astounding edits holy f lol thanks for the upvotes i just want to say that i'm not overweight i'm six feet tall and weigh 63 kilograms so i'm definitely not overweight and i cooked in a 1.5 quarts and made just enough to feed myself and also i'm still in school so i live with my parents and they buy the groceries not the a-hole joey doesn't share food i am a fellow joey touch my food and lose a hand touch my food and take a fork to the hand i've done that twice as an adult after giving warnings i have done this too with warnings the person trying to take my food was doing it on purpose knowing i didn't share food or like it being stolen from my plate don't think he expected me to actually follow through with my warning insert his shocked pikachu face not the a-hole she didn't get the hints plural your mother should not have offered your food to the piggy aunt maybe aunt can't control herself around your food but you can i would ask mother exactly how not giving aunt food from your plate is disrespectful of arts but aren't literally taking food from your plates after she just finished a meal and so was clearly not as hungry as you is disrespectful plus it's spaghetti like i appreciate opie is a good cook but it's not beef wellington with gold flakes or some food auntie will never get a chance to eat again it's spaghetti she can make it tomorrow come over to opie's another time and he can make some also at 17 i remember being so effing hungry like all the time 17 boys are still growing and it's rude af to take food off their plates they most likely need time for aunt to learn to control herself around food her failure to do so doesn't make op disrespectful posted by user rtf asian titles am i the a-hole for declining to help out my nosy hoa neighbor who likes to complain about me first i wouldn't even ask you if my neighbor hadn't gossiped to everyone in our building about this but since i've gotten mixed feedback from other concerned neighbors i'll just ask here am i in the wrong for saying no to my neighbour backgrounds my neighbor and i have never gotten along since i moved into the building the building is a condo that is professionally managed by a property management company much like an apartment but it also has an hoa that basically hires the management company i'm not really in tune with this structure but suffice to say that hoa makes up all the rules and the management company enforces them my next door neighbor on my floor is a busybody who is both on the hoa board and involved in the architecture and improvements committee part of the job of this committee is apparently to police decorating decisions of the residents to make sure what we do is in harmony with the safety and aesthetic standards of the community she's already complained about the planters on my balcony because they aren't in the right color and about my tinder friends too many visitors to the board i know because i have a friend who is on the board i have long ago decided i want nothing to do with my nosy neighbor problem i spent friday night at my neighbors and he asked me to drop off his ballot because i was going on a jog the next day and the dropbox that is a couple miles from our building is on routes i agreed in the morning on my way back to my unit to freshen up for my morning jog my neighbor caught me in the hallway on our floor and she saw me holding a ballads envelope she stopped me and asked if i would be a dear and drop off her ballot for her as well i simply and politely said sorry i can't i don't feel comfortable doing that i had my reasons but i didn't feel like going into them with her first she has complained about me on multiple occasions there is no reason for me to go out of my way to help her second she has proven herself to be the complaining type i do not want to risk her accusing me of fraud or somehow mishandled her ballot should anything go wrong she was angry and gossiped about my unwillingness to help her out even though i was dropping off my ballots i didn't tell her i was actually dropping off my friend's ballots this morning the hoa sent out an email reminding all of us to be cordial and kind to our neighbors despite these polarizing times now i'm wondering if i should have just taken her ballad too and dropped it off for her honestly i can see where you're coming from on this one and if she's being the gossiping type and being a harpy behind your back there should be no expectation or obligation for you to drop off her ballots i would be paranoid about what she says about me behind my back too what she's going to get me in trouble for just because she wants to it's better to just not take that risk sure it could be nice but every interaction i have with someone like that i'd be like what are they trying to get out of me how could this go wrong where is murphy's law going to be applied to next and in every situation i would rather be safe than sorry so screw that beer i'm going home not the a-hole not the a-hole only close family members are supposed to drop off ballots ignore the stupid emails and ignore your nosy neighbor these laws vary a lot state by state unless the state has legislation on record allowing it typically only a voter can mail their ballots or return it in person unless they have a disability and officially designate someone to do it for them always follow the directions on your ballot and reach out to your supervisor of elections if you have questions if you don't know what to do or where to go check out iwillvote.com source i volunteer for the biden campaign in my state which prohibits it there was a lawsuit a few weeks ago upholding the prohibition in fact not the a-hole at least in my state it's illegal to drop off somebody else's ballot though it's impossible to enforce for all she knows you were dropping off your own and doing nothing wrong she can f off i did drop my mums off but proved that we live together they had a whole process and everything not the a-hole i'm mad at reading that mad at nosy neighbor the people that gossip with nosy neighbor and mad at the hoa for sending out that email like you weren't cordial cordial doesn't mean saying yes all the time it can mean politely declining exactly you are cordial and kind you don't have to do any favors to anyone to be cordial and kind the fact that she gossiped about you and complains to the hoa means she was the one who was being neither cordial nor kind a lot of people mistake cordial with bending over backwards to suit my current demands while also willfully disregarding that being polite means actively not being an a-hole not the a-hole op posted by user thorium reactions titled am i the a-hole for refusing to refund a guy's food and permanently banning him after he realized he ordered food his religion does not permit him to eat sir i are in a mid-sized cafe in a touristy town in a non-english-speaking european country so a lot of my customers are tourists but we're also extremely popular with the locals and surrounding businesses which is a blessing during these times as there are basically no tourists with the virus to the extent where no matter the season it's very rare we aren't full this is not to toot my own horn but rather to make it clear that the waitresses and cooks are busy as hell even during these times and need to be clearly told if someone can't have something now a few days ago a man his wife and their kid enter at about 5 pm take out order since you need to reserve to sit as we got limited space due to restrictions the woman was wearing a headscarf so it was pretty clear they were muslims but i do the cooking so i am not at the front well their order comes in and they order three sandwiches two of which have bacon to be entirely clear the menu has the ingredients behind each item on there in our language english and german so unless you do not know what bacon is or didn't read there is no way to miss it also it's not a thing in my country to have waiting staff explain an order unless it's not on the menu seasonal stuff specials etc we closed at 6 pm and just before closing i hear yelling from the front as we're cleaning up this guy is behaving highly aggressively yelling and cursing in english and some other languages and i had to spend a good five minutes calming him down when he told me what had happened he demanded a refund and new sandwiches he insisted he had told the waitress about his and his family's food restrictions and that she had explained the order to him which was what made me doubt his story i asked the waitress what happens and she said that he was full of crap and just like with everyone he went up to the front cash register which we're using as the takeout spots told her his order and waited until he got it like everyone else obviously i trust my staff over customers so having had issues with tourists a lot in the past i had cameras with sound installs i told the guy i was going to check them which caused him to go on another full-scale meltdown at which point i was fresh out of patience and i told him to get the f out and him and his family were banned from the establishment the reason i'm asking for judgment is because i have since gotten two bad reviews referencing this occurrence and my mom also said it was primarily on the waitress for being dumb as muslim dietary restrictions are common knowledge edits before i forget as i feel its relevance the footage verified the waitress's story and the food was mostly eaten apart from one half of one of the sandwiches with bacon i feel like this man had plenty of warning and plenty of time to see hey these sandwiches might have bacon it's an unfortunate consequence of not doing your due diligence and it's not the fault of the waitresses and the restaurant staff the fact that it's been verified by the footage is the nail in the coffin for this one the man is just looking for a fight because he wants someone to be angry at and he got the fight and now he's banned i would combat those two bad reviews i'm sure that there is a way to do it and you know if we can get a link to this stuff i'd love to positivity vomit that's for sure as it stands now i'm going to go with not the a-hole not the a-hole the onus is on him to know what he is ordering it is unfair for someone to expect you or other staff members to know and anticipate every single dietary restriction everyone in the world has when they walk in seriously what if he was a practicing muslim who just happened to have a hankering for bacon or his wife was muslim and he wasn't or they were secular or a million other reasons i went to a bengali muslim wedding once and one of the aunties and i had wine together alcohol is haram you're not a mind reader opie not the a-hole not the a-hole if he melted down further when you said you were going to check audio and video then he was likely caught in a lie i would welcome that if i knew i was telling the truth i felt this was the case as well hence kicking him out definitely lots of people believe that getting louder and more obnoxious is a ticket for free stuff and practice it unabashedly well for me it's a sure way to get on my bad side good for you for standing up for your staff i've worked for too many a-holes who would have caved immediately and blamed me to save face even if they knew i was right you would definitely not the a-hole here not the a-hole unless it's stated by the customer that it isn't your problem people pick and choose parts of their faith all the time the dude was highly inappropriate well even so i don't agree with my mum too apart from tourists there are barely any people of a different race here let alone of a different religion so it's perfectly possible that you wouldn't really know exactly you're not expected to know everything about everyone posted by user throw away dh kids titled am i the a-hole for taking pictures of my late husband's kids without asking their mum so my husband passed away four years ago still our home is just as much his kids 15 and 17 as it is ours they still have keys to the house their own bedrooms and spend a ton of time over as they've gotten older and started driving themselves the communication with their mum has dwindled a bit i've invited her over but she said we weren't close before he passed and will not be close now blunt but honest and i respect it i adore these kids i've known them since they were one and three years old they have family we hadn't had family photos done since before my husband got sick so when i was ready to get new ones done it seemed obvious that they would be in them their mum dropped off the youngest a bit before then and i mentioned i was getting them i didn't mention specifically that both my kids and her kids would be in them because i assumed she would assume so we get the photos done i ask the photographer to get some shots of just my bonus kids for their mum we get the photos back and i get prints for her i texted asking if she'd like me to drop them off while i was out or if it'd be better to send them home with my kids she didn't respond until the next day and tells me i need to learn boundaries we talked a bit it wasn't a fight necessarily but she said it made her uncomfortable she said i wouldn't get professional photos of any of my kids other friends without asking and that it was weird i was thrown off because although our kids don't share dna they've always called each other brothers they've been together since they were in diapers she said that she loves that i love them like my own but they aren't my own and i overstepped i feel like i shouldn't have had to ask these weren't my boyfriend's kids i saw every other weekend these are kids that were at our house just as much as their own if my husband was alive there would be no question that they would be in the pictures if they were family then why not now i do want to say her and i have never had issues she isn't just a bitter ex i think she genuinely is uncomfortable with me not asking i also think this is a little ridiculous am i the a-hole here i guess this situation was a mix-up and communication and it was a bit of a too little too late kind of situation i don't think i can blame op for getting the photos done i don't think that's like a sacrilegious act by any standards i'd say the onus is on the x for not communicating properly and avoiding the questions and you know assuming that the kids wouldn't be in the photographs i feel like we're not getting a full grasp of the situation but taking it at face value i'm on the side of op on this one like genuinely you have known these kids their entire life they have lived with you in this house you have known them for such a long time why is she you know not okay with a few photos they have rooms in your house for god's sake how much more connected can you get with these kids maybe something has come up recently with this x but this just seems like an out of left field quacky situation and i don't know what's going on i love to know the real reason for this i'm gonna go with not the a-hole not the a-hole this is absurd your husband's death didn't automatically take away your title of stepmother and erase your relationship with these kids don't you know biological mothers have automatic copyrights over their children's likenesses not the a-hole i think if they were slightly younger it might have been polite to just let her know since she is their guardian it sounds like however 15 and 17 is more than old enough to know whether you want to be in pictures or not you weren't overstepping her boundaries she's overstepping her kids boundaries by trying to dictate who they can and cannot take pictures with i think this might just be one of those things where in her eyes they are little babies that need to be protected don't worry about it you have done nothing wrong if you want to i suppose you could always just let her know that they were happy to be in the pictures and you would never have wanted to hurt them by leaving them out so you thought it should go without saying that they would be in them that might calm the mama bear instincts a little lol that's a good point that i didn't even think of thank you for that i'll let her know that they were happy to be there they did have a lot of fun and i didn't have to drag them or try to force smiles thankfully no problem diplomacy is the art of creating ladders so that people can climb down gracefully i've always heard it as diplomacy is the art of telling someone to go to hell in a way that makes them think they'll enjoy the trip yours is so much more diplomatic i prefer this version because churchill is not exactly my favorite person and he kind of sounds like a prick not the a-hole they probably miss their dad a lot keep being a great person with all the kids and op says thank you posted by user zahara titled am i the a-hole for telling a friend's ex it's her fault so my best friend 32 male recently passed away he was with a girl lana 30 female for eight years and engaged he adored her to say he supported her would have been in understatements he got her clean paid off her debts tens of thousands of dollars paid for her law degree and when she finished and didn't like the job paid for her to study more bought her the house of her dreams car dogs boob job everything whatever she wanted she got he never did much for himself so he was so devoted to her and his dogs that was his family he had a poor family life growing up and was determined to be different and the love he had for her was unconditional his happiness came from looking after the people he loved he's been my best friend since we were six years old we've been through everything and she made him so happy then about 18 months ago her ex 50 male came back and started causing problems he told me the ex wanted her back and she was using again two weeks ago he told me that she had admitted to being in a relationship with him and could he sign over the house and cars to her he was broken to say the least we rallied his friends to try and support him but sadly it was not enough today at the funeral she showed up with her ex slash new partner and acted all sad and woe as me that was not okay but we kept our peace till she said to his mother i thought he was happy what would have caused this i lost it and told her she did this she broke his hearts he loved her through thick and thin even when she treated him like crap he still loved her and she used and broke him it's all her fault this also exposed her cheating in front of his friends and family but also her family who treated him like a son and were not aware of the affair am i the a-hole for blaming her and exposing her no she's hot garbage and it should be her in his place instead of him in my opinion i'm just gonna say it now she knows the man was vulnerable she knows he had problems she knows that he loved her unconditionally and gave her her life back and she still went back to this 50 male x of hers i think all of her actions combined into one amalgamation is just despicable and i think there's no coming back from that like she led a man to suicide that's not okay i'd like to be an optimist and say huh this is a fake story but i feel like we see things like this all too often in the world and it's just a sad state of affairs that people do this continue to do this and can live their lives happily and without a care in the world after they caused someone to do this this woman is genuine scum i'm surprised she showed up to the funeral after this i'm surprised she can save face like she has opie not the a-hole everything you've done here is justified and i do not blame you not the a-hole but i wish he found someone better than that trash by the way what was the aftermath all hell broke loose her dad went mental at the new partner and her the mums were screaming and ended up turning on each other on who cared more luckily his dad who was never around most of his life finally stepped up and calmed things down and said she was welcome to stay but he was not welcome and needed to leave and that was when she leaves to hand over the keys for the house and cars as he's left everything to charity yes i'm glad they're getting back his hard-earned stuff she doesn't deserve it in the slightest not the a-hole agreed i do not know how she thought going to the funeral with her new partner was a good idea did she really not think that the truth behind her actions would not be revealed also the fact that the friend who passed away left everything to charity and now the girl who thought she could use him is now probably back at square one watch her find a new atm and then magically get back to x once someone has given her everything that is a necessity in life the ex-girlfriend and her partner are just users and leeches i'm not giving a judgment my brother committed suicide last year so i know the stress you and more so his family are under what i'm about to say is biased on my unfortunate experiences and observations did her actions help contribute to his decision most likely was she solely responsible no your friend made a decision my brother made a decision it wasn't rational or sane but it was theirs i do not begrudge you your anger i can't and won't judge you for your or his family's grief anyone who tries is an a-hole as long as you are not abusive you do you i cannot blame you for losing it at the funeral the family had every right to know i will say that you might want to pop by and check on them i say this because your timing while understandable due to her statement wasn't the best the wake funeral is a surreal and frankly exhausting experience and i only remember bits and pieces as does the rest of my family i would follow up and ask if they would like the whole story again grieving while natural is terrible people do and say things they won't mean in six months if anyone in the family is mad at you for your timing or adding another layer to everything which was already overwhelming them just give them time i don't think this would happen because you've given them the perfect object to direct the wrangler but i just want to warn you onto you suicide grief is different i hope you talk to someone if you need to and find a survivors of support group here is a link to a really helpful info packet on suicide loss i invite you to check out the sub r suicide bereavements you're welcome to participate to adjust luck i'm so sorry you've joined our crappy club posted by user am i the ahole throwaway 76437 titles am i the a-hole for expecting my sister to watch my daughter without pay i have never posted on the sub so please be kind if i make a mistake i recently moved back to my hometown after a rough divorce in order to be closer to family i have full custody he has no interest in being a father and my daughter is four years old i never stopped working thank god and have a full-time job my daughter is at daycare three days a week and my parents watch her the other two days this past weekend my parents were out of town and there was emergency at work i was called in with an hour notice and immediately called my sister who lives about 10 minutes away to see if she could watch my daughter she said she could but her rate was thirty dollars an hour i was absolutely shocked that she asked for money i know she herself isn't planning on having kids but she has always seemed happy to be an aunt i knew it would be at least a 10 hour day and i can't afford to just drop 300 unexpectedly right now i begged her to take her without the fee but she refused claiming that her time was worth money i ended up hanging up on her and calling a friend who lives quite a bit farther out my friend happily took my daughter for the day no expectation of pay i was late to work though and got a ride up because i had to drive so much farther my sister ended up calling me yesterday to chat totally unbothered by what had happened i told her that i was upset at her and didn't want to talk and she unloaded on me she told me that i was the one in the wrong for just expecting her to be free child care i told her that it was horrible of her to want money to spend a day with her niece and that i was going through a difficult time emotionally and financially and she was being unsupportive and selfish we ended the call on a sour note and haven't spoken again since until yesterday i didn't think for a second that i was wrong to be upset i don't think it's unreasonable to expect your own sister to help out once in a blue moon without needing to pay her i also think it's hypocritical of her considering she has three dogs that i used to watch for her when she vacationed without any pay that was years ago before i moved out but i feel like she should remember that am i really the a-hole here like my sister says edits i took a break from this thread due to the hundreds of cruel and abusive comments and dms i received to answer your questions 1. my sister has never babysat my daughter before she was born when my ex and i were living across the country i moved back home one month ago and my parents are my backup childcare two yes my job is crappy and my boss is crappy my industry was hit hard and unemployment is high i apply for every other job i can find but no luck three when my boss called they said you need to be here in an hour tops or there will be consequences i was extremely stressed when i called my sister and four i brought up the dog sitting because i wanted to illustrate that we used to have the kind of relationship where favors were done without a fee i was absolutely blindsided when she asked for money update for those who care my sister ended up telling my parents about what happened and she got chewed out they called me and told me they were ashamed of her behavior take what you will from that i guess you can have some justification in your crazy wacky world that this isn't everyone's sexier situation but seeing that this is the situation op was in and they're being forced to go to work in an hour tops when they weren't rusted on and they had no way to get that kid to child care you know in an appropriate manner i just am dumbfounded by the sister they've never looked after the kid before opie has done favors for them before and now she's charging thirty dollars an hour just to look after this kid when it's an emergency that op is in they are going to get in trouble from their work and they can't find jobs elsewhere can you not have a little compassion and think hey maybe i should do her a favor this one time this is an absolute rare circumstance this doesn't happen often i'm gonna open up my heart for her but instead no you want her to open up your wallet for her at a ridiculous rate i would understand if it's other individuals that she asks for babysitting on a you know regular basis but can we not make an exception for this one time i feel so bad for op i don't see how they're the a-hole in this situation this would freak me out and stress me out to no end i don't know where you work but getting called in but then written up for how long it took because you're arranging child care is amazingly crappy of them you are mad at the wrong people edit to add everyone sucks here from what you've said but your job can do this to you you need a plan in place ahead of time and your sister if available could have been a sport and helped you out if this is the first and only time it's happened so far but it would have been a huge favor and definitely you would owe her something this was my thoughts too they gave her very little notice and i'm assuming they know she has a child's writing her up was uncalled for what if there was nobody who could babysit on such short notice what would opie and her employer do then this i would have refused to sign the write up last minute call in to an employee they know has a small child and then they [ __ ] on that opie was a little bit late no effing way would i take that right up lying down that being said my vote is everyone sucks here op is an a-hole for thinking child care should be free people have a right to choose if they want to be paid or not her management is an a-hole and the sister is an a-hole for charging 30 an hour that's a crazy amount of money per hour and it's more than twice the minimum wage in my state i get that it was last minute for the sister too but it absolutely does not warrant thirty dollars an hour for f's sake let's be real her asking for thirty dollars an hour while knowing her sister's situation was her way of saying no without actually having to say no endo p phrases it like it's a prize horrible to want money for spending a day with her niece it's not play time it's child care and it's work especially for someone who is child free like op's sister i actually think the sis was the a-hole a family member was in a bind and she didn't help and what's worse she tried to extort her help at an exorbitant fee rather than just saying i'm sorry i can't watch her for you today not the a-hole it's completely reasonable to ask a family member to help you out in an emergency situation if your sister just said no she can't watch your kid then it would be no a-holes here and if she had asked for a reasonable child care rates that would have been fine too but asking for thirty dollars an hour is screwed up and self-centered and next time she needs a favor feel free to quote back to her any sky-high price that comes to mind i'm willing to bet she'll be incredibly ticked off about it and claim that you should just help her out because family i find it funny that reddit often quotes it takes a village but then continues with this very selfish mentality of you don't owe anyone anything which one is it it's almost like you have multiple opinions when you have millions of users and once one side gains a little traction the other is scared of speaking because of down votes posted by user free2bx2 titled am i the a-hole for hacking my mum's instagram to see if she violated nda i'm a nanny for a high-profile family i signed a very extensive and strict nda anyone directly involved in my life mom dad sis and husbands also signed an nda the nanny recommended this to talk about the job without getting into any legal risk or putting them at risk recently ran into one of my parents neighbors amber at the park amber asked how the new job was going then proceeded to ask specifics about how it must be working for a family where the parents are insert their jobs here a direct violation of the nda and something i could be fired and sued for my dad isn't the sharing type like at all so i figured it was probably my mom i asked her about it in a casual way hey how's amber you know kinda way i said i ran into amber at the park and that it was odd because she knew details about my job without me telling her my mum simply shrugged and said that's funny maybe she googled or saw something on social media my dad and sister absolutely hates amber they essentially said hell would have to freeze over before they spoke to her willingly my dad ended our convo where i asked him about it by saying the only thing i know about her is that her son just made partner at a law firm in new york and is making bank and that's only because mom saw it on instagram and told me about it right then i knew my mom lied to me and it was her she and amber loved to one-up each other with their children's success and i also just landed a great new job i asked my mum about it again and she told me that i was being dramatic making stuff up and that she would never do that to me my mum doesn't text people only dms on instagram i know her password so logged in to check her messages there was an extremely long dm to amber where she shared their professions children's names ages private school general locations of their homes how they pay really well etc everything that we are legally not allowed to say she said i called her immediately and said that i logged into her dms and saw the message she sent to amber that was a violation she started screaming at me about how she's supposed to be able to trust her daughter she can't believe i hacked into her instagram that mothers should be allowed to brag about their children and then she hung up it has been a week without contact between the two of us we used to speak every single day i am starting to believe that maybe i'm the a-hole here for violating her trust like that my husband says if anyone violated trust here it is her and that i gave her ample opportunity to tell the truth before i intervened and sort out the truth myself he constantly reminds me that they could sue us into the ground and fire me for endangering my nanny's family's well-being because truthfully amber could easily be a psycho fan or sell the information to someone who is so am i the a-hole if there is an nda in place your mum should know that she doesn't share that information how many times is it going to take to get that through her thick skull people have to take mdas very seriously because of the repercussions of sharing that information if you hired a hacker to get that password and figure out the truth from her i would still not think that you're the a-hole here because that is information that you were legally required to protect and she intentionally went out of her way to share it gaslight you and deflect blame saying oh god i would never share that what do you mean liar liar pants on fire screw the mum you did what you had to do you're not the a-hole not the a-hole your mom crossed the line and could end up costing you your job i would be livid and it could put the kids at risk if they're high profile enough that the nanny's whole family had to sign ndas and info on them as private enough that it could be sold to the media came here to say that it would have been bad enough breach of a legal contract to share that you worked for the parents and what they do but sharing detailed info on the kids that's irresponsible in my opinion you have every right to be ticked off and you are absolutely not the a-hole glad to hear you have a lawyer and are sorting this out hope you keep your job and keep us updated she shared the general locations of their homes i'm screaming also opie i think you can unsend messages on instagram if that's possible then i would see if you can delete it so at least this other lady can't go back and access this hopefully she's not such an a-hole that she would screenshot it not the a-hole i would recommend a cya and tell the family what your mom did and how you responded so that they know you didn't have anything to do with it honestly if i were op i'd consider telling them what happens and how you handled it and also tell them to take her to court for breaking the nda unless mom gets some consequences for what she did she'll just keep doing it endop replies that's the part that kills me she should face consequences because she's a grown-ass adult and should know better she's also my mum though you know hard to separate the two honestly i doubt i'll lose my job because of my mum sharing the info there is a stipulation about how i can share any information pertaining to my job with the exception of work or health related issues with those who also signed an nda aka my mum husband dad and sister that way i can have someone to vent to technically my mum violated her nda i didn't violate mine it's the violation of trust with the family that might get me fired because someone i love betrayed them that's hard to cope with and if i get fired for that then i'll understand i love the family and kids and just want what's best for them if that's not me because of this then i'll accept it posted by user would i be the a-hole wedding christmas titled am i the a-hole for not letting my ex have the kids on christmas because he won't let them attend my wedding i have two kids from a previous relationship i'm engaged to my partner after postponing our planned wedding i had a fight with my family and our guest list shrunk to almost nothing so we decided to just get married without the wedding we have to be married by february anyway and we're planning something small in january but with a guest list issue we decided courthouse was the way to go we tried to book in with a registrar but with the holidays coming up and everything going on our options were either the 27th of december or march 2021 so we booked on the 27th according to the custody agreements i'm meant to have the kids from the 22nd to the 28th december with custody switching back on the 28th however i don't celebrate christmas as i'm jewish so my ex and i agreed to swap weeks so he got the 22nd to the 28th however i told my ex that my partner and i had to book him with a registrar on the 27th and asked if we could switch to custody on the 27th instead of the 28th so that the kids can attend my wedding he's refused he said that it's not his fault that i booked for his week with the kids and that i should have taken that into consideration when i booked the registrar he also says that he has family coming for christmas so he wants the kids with him for as much time as possible as his extended family rarely sees the kids once a year at most and you're all leaving on the 28th and 29th i asked him to reconsider and offered solutions like suggesting that he just let me have them for a couple of hours on the 27th then i'll bring them back to him and pick them up on the 28th as usual he's refused saying that it's not his problem and i should have scheduled my wedding on time at this point my fiance pointed out that the wedding is on my time according to our formal custody agreements as i'd only ever agreed informally to switch the weeks so i would be well within my rights to say that i wanted to go back to the original schedule meaning i would have the kids 22nd to the 28th i've messaged my ex saying that i don't want to switch weeks after role i'll have the kids from the 22nd to the 28th and he can have them for the new year as set out in our formal custody agreements x is furious says i can't do this to him we made a deal he has family coming based on our agreement and i have to switch back i've said that i don't have to do anything according to our formal agreements and he shouldn't have been a dick about it he has now said that if i give him back that week he will let the kids go to my wedding but i've said i want to stick to the formal agreement from now on as i no longer trust he will allow the kids to go he called me a few names and hung up fiance says that now my ex has agreed to let them come if we switch back he doesn't see the harm in letting my ex have christmas back as we won't be doing anything special and the kids would like to see x's family am i the a-hole for not switching edits if i had the kids over christmas they would still have christmas we wouldn't just let the 24th and 25th pass by without any celebration it would definitely be more muted than it would with my ex because i would have already given them gifts at hanukkah but i'd still do something i wouldn't stop my kids celebrating christmas altogether the way i see it there really is no winning in this situation because your ex played his hand at the start there and this is just one of those messy situations where no one can come to an agreement on this if i were you i'd suck up being an a-hole in this situation to get what you need to do because you are ultimately doing him a solid by having an informal agreement go through but then requesting you have them for your wedding for one part of a day and him playing hardball and saying no i get them and you don't get them i can definitely see where he's coming from he has every right to play that hard ball but i don't think he should be surprised when you rescind those rights and go back to the formal agreement yes you suck by depriving the family of seeing the two kids over christmas and they're not going to see them again for another year but he's not without blame either he's put the kids into that situation also this is a messy family dispute and everyone sucks here the only people you are hurting are your children both of your children they are not pawns to use when you're angry and you guys have a lot of years to go until they're 18 you're the a-hole this don't be petty when it comes to your children let them celebrate christmas too yes you are absolutely in the right to force your ex's hand like this but now that he has agreed with your original terms you should relent for the sake of your kids it will make them happier and show them a lesson in mercy just get it in writing from him with your lawyer's help so that he can't renege the last seconds going to rule everyone sucks here because your ex definitely sucks and you suck for thinking of using your kids as pawns this get it in writing with proper witnesses and make it clear that you are doing him a huge favor even though he was trying to be a dick although you're actually not you were doing it for the kids but i'd still be peeved at him i don't want to judge this but you should really consider your children in all of this at some points the pettiness needs to stop if you guys want to successfully co-parent i understand not trusting him to honour the agreements so you should put down the change in your writing and have both parties sign it might not have the force of law but it could deter him from renaging on the deal if you let him know that if he backs out you can and will use it as evidence that he is being petty to revisit the formal custody agreements judges will typically consider that best of luck and congrats on the wedding edited to add when i say revisit the formal custody agreements i mean modifying it to allow for some flexibility like saying parents can request x amount of reasonable schedule changes and a fixed time period that are dependent on the circumstances you guys shouldn't have to formalize this type of stuff but it might be necessary if parties can't stop being petty and op replies we've been talking about changing the custody agreement for a while now but the kids are in their routine at this stage unless i could get this christmas specifically added into the agreements there wouldn't really be any way to enforce it and i don't know how much weight it would hold in court the absolute last thing i want to do is punish the kids it's frustrating because when we went through custody the first time i tried to get it written so that i got hanukkah and he got christmas every year but my ex refused and now he gets pissy when he doesn't get christmas and you say the absolute last thing i want to do is punish the kids and yet here we are posted by user okaygap594 titles am i the a-hole for holding my step-sister's mother's ashes until she returns my dog to me throw away because this whole drama is stupid i am ashamed of it i 20 female was temporarily living with my mother stepfather and stepsister 14. me and my stepsister were never close she hates me and my mother thinking that my mother stole her father away after her own mother passed it has been that way for four years already and while she is in slightly better terms with my mother she is still constantly tries to disturb me because i am not as tolerant as my mother as for my stepfather he is quite okay but he would pretend to ignore me in front of my stepsister sometimes because she would throw a fuss about it i was supposed to move to a rather far away place to work and study my father arranged for me to move in after renovations are done bringing my dog with me when i first brought my dog to my mother's a few months ago my stepsisters seemingly fell in love with him at first it was just me taking care of him then we took turns taking him out for a while i even thought that we could have gotten along better because we both love the dog and one day my sister returned without my dog and announced that she had given him away just to spite me she got what she wanted and no matter how nicely or nastily i asked her she wouldn't tell me where she took him i complained to my mother and stepfather but they couldn't get her to talk either she had this attitude of try me whenever she gets stubborn i was to move in two days and i guess she wanted to keep my dog for herself or make me miss my cross-country train i know it's despicable but i was worried for my pop and whatever she could have done with him i sneaked into her room when she was not looking and took her mother's ash urn i know this was precious to her precious enough to be used to make her talk i hid the urn somewhere that she would never find sure enough my stepsister lost it completely when she realized what i did and similarly i'd never talk no matter what my mother or stepfather say after all that screaming and crying she finally gave in and admitted that she brought him to her friends after taking the trip and passing my dog back to me she demanded to have the urn back but i did not tell her until my day of departure in case she wanted to pull some sick prank again everybody i know of including my own father thinks that i took it too far while in the end nothing really bad happens i did it in the worst way possible quoted by my mother who did nothing to help either it was my stepsister who started it she knew how important my pup is to me and she tried to take him away from me so i used a similar way to make her return him and it worked i didn't do it out of spite just making use of what i could to get my dog back so in this case am i the a-hole no i agree with your methods on this one if you knew this was one of the only ways to get her to reveal the location of your dog knowing that she was so adamant and so stubborn absolutely go for it it's nuclear it's you know dickheaded but it's justified you didn't do anything with the ashes you struck fear into her heart and you got what you needed in the ends maybe it could be in everyone's sexiest situation but she struck first you struck back just as hard you got what you needed to and the dog is safe it didn't look like she was going to give you the dog back and she was just going to continuously hold that against you and that's evil at least you gave the ashes back and it's not like she was never going to see those again i'm going with justified not the a-hole not the a-hole play stupid games win stupid prizes she did this to herself and shame on her for bringing an innocent animal into her personal feud the reason others don't get it is because they don't have a bond with a dog as you do they just see it as another dog agreed not the a-hole i also think opie's relationship with her parents and step-sister is just nuked at this point if her parents enabled her stepsister to steal her dog and just be too stubborn to give it back that's horrendous behavior that they threw their hands up for opie needs a therapist to probably unpack whatever else harmful her parents have likely taught her in regards to her stepsister over op jumping on the first comment to say maybe next time your stepfather or mom go at you you could answer you know what you're right next time if i choose to continue my contact with you or stepsister i will involve the police and press charges against her that way we can have an outside party deal with this since it's obvious you won't not the a-hole not the a-hole but damn your parents need to step it up she's a problem to be honest i wish op called the cops on the mall for robbery and kidnapping cops would throw their hands up and say this is a civil matter and leave dogs are property and theft is a criminal matter yes but the difference between what cops are technically supposed to do and what they actually do is obviously very large which is why no one should call the cops on anyone whose lives they aren't willing to completely destroy and why it's always a little disturbing to see comments proposing they be involved i would honestly consider ransoming the dead mother's ashes a calmer and more measured course of action not the a-hole congrats to you for finding a creative solution however this does mean probably never letting anyone in your extended family into your home for more than minutes as a precedent for ransoming has now been established watch your back still worth it though posted by user that one guy 17288 titled am i the a-hole for kicking out my sister brother-in-law and their kids after months of living in chaos now during the middle of the pandemic my brother-in-law got laid off and because they could no longer afford rent my sister her husband and their three kids aged five to newborn moved in with me i 22 male live in a small flat but since i work nights and sleep most of the day it's sort of like they live in the flats and i'm just some random guy i understand that kids are very hard to take care of but i expected my sister to at least try and keep the flat clean that would be a hard no since every time i come home there is dirty dishes all over the place and toys in the floor and it just smells awful i don't know what it is and neither does my sister evidently but it's terrible the eldest colored all over the wall and spilled juice all over my rug she also broke several fragile glass figurines that i inherited from my mother who has passed away my sister we don't share the same mother disregarded all of these things and when i got upset just told me to get over it because her kid didn't mean it i've had to get rid of a chair because the second eldest vomited all over it and nothing that save it the youngest cried a lot and it understandably irritated my neighbors who never said anything to the landlady but did come over multiple times to complain i have sat my sister down and explained my frustrations to her multiple times but she just doesn't care i've tried to explain everything to my brother-in-law but he is rarely home despite not having a job yet even though it's been months the kids were up at the same time that i was asleep and they constantly ran in and out of my room screaming their little heads off i love them really but i couldn't deal with that especially since you have to be alert and present in my line of work as a security guard the final straw for me was that somebody more than likely the eldest child let loose my leopard geckos it took hours and although i finally managed to find all of them it was the straw that broke the camel's back and i told my sister that she had to leave and that i couldn't take it anymore it's been a week since then i've gotten no word from my sister but the rest of our family have been calling non-stop demanding to know how i could just kick my niece and nephews out onto the streets am i the a-hole that entire situation sounds like a nightmare and it's an unfortunate circumstance that they find themselves in but those are all problems that the two parents refuse to fix and i would refuse to be in the middle of it if they continue to enable that behavior it's another repeat of the oh my god we don't want to look after these people how dare you kick them onto the street now they might potentially be our problem how dare you we hate you ignore those people and let this family that you've kicked out move on to the next safety blankets until reality bites them not the a-hole not the a-hole if your family is so worried they can take them in themselves a small flat is no place for a family of five i'm wondering what the brother-in-law does all day considering he doesn't have a job definitely not the a-hole because you are getting noise complaints and on top of that they are destroying your property and your flats they should have been thankful they had a free place to stay yet a single flat for six people is ridiculous maybe she should parent her kids better and not expect you to just go with it because the kid that mina breaks something whatever that means this is a nightmare scenario no of course you are not the a-hole and i hope you know that i never will understand family who call to shame others for taking someone in if you feel so strongly about it take them in yourself oh wait posted by shh am i the a-hole one titled am i the a-hole for correcting the ceo after he mispronounced my ethnic name and embarrassing my boss so i 22 female recently started working at a large company and a few days ago the ceo briefly joined our zoom call for the first time we were thoroughly warned about this special occasion and my boss repeatedly told us what an honor it is that the ceo decided to pay our team a visit he gave us plenty of instructions on how to behave in preparation for this so the ceo just made a few generic welcome on board comments to us recent grads and i thought that would be the end of it but then he greeted me and asked me how i'm settling in well he absolutely butchered my name for the record i mixed race white and kenyon i have a swahili name that people generally struggle to pronounce so before i answered his question i corrected him and he mispronounced it again he asked me if he got it right and i said no so i slowed down my speech and told him exactly how to pronounce it but he just kept messing it up so i decided to use the whiteboard feature on zoom and typed out how to pronounce my name syllable by syllable example alexia alexis r he finally got it right and i jokingly said you get an a for that then i noticed that my boss looked very ticked he apologized and said i'm new and still adjusting to the environment afterwards my boss spoke to me in private and i got chewed out he said that my behavior wasn't professional and that i basically embarrassed him in front of the ceo he said that i should have let the mistake slide instead of turning the situation into a spectacle on top of that he was angry that i jokingly told the ceo that he got an a as that was disrespectful and deeply inappropriate i thought i was in serious trouble but during lunch i received an email from the ceo himself he was super friendly and asked me to send him monthly email updates on how i'm getting on he also encouraged me to reach out to him if i have any questions or concerns i was kind of surprised so now i'm wondering am i a petty a-hole for quote-unquote wasting everyone's time as my boss puts and correcting the ceo i've never worked a corporate job like this so i can't really speak on behalf of experience here perhaps the boss was just airing way too much on the side of caution and doesn't know the ceo enough maybe they just have this idea that the ceo would be upset by correcting the name who knows but really you were just doing him as solid and he wanted to pronounce the name properly i think you read the room properly and the boss didn't and they're just over correcting and being like oh my god you're gonna get me fired you're gonna get everyone in trouble what's wrong with you who knows what this person is thinking in their over-sensitive minds but obviously the ceo is friendly gonna go with not the a-hole not the a-hole for correcting the ceo on the pronunciation whether you were the a-hole for adding the last comment about receiving an a all depends on the vibe of the call if your team was joking around with the ceo and it was casual definitely not the a-hole if it was a very formal meeting then you could be the a-hole here but just for the last comment pronouncing someone's name correctly is one of the most basic signs of respect every boss or company should show respect to their employees be careful with your new boss but the ceo sounds great definitely can but can we also give props to the ceo whether big or small i appreciate anyone who takes the time to show the little bit of respect and the fact he didn't brush them off and continue says a lot of their character i agree my co-workers and i discussed that he's actually a lot nicer in down to earth than our boss portrayed him to be later in the email he said some nice things and even my boss was never this nice lol oh yeah definitely got that from your boss trying to ream you out giggity some people focus so much on the illusion of control it's astounding anything gets done not the a-hole only because the ceo was cool about it all you might have been wrong in the you get an a comments and maybe need to be careful of that but it's always okay to correct someone when they mess up your name yeah i see your points i got the impression he wouldn't mind a joke like that so just went with it and he laughed so i guess i didn't entirely f up but yeah know your audience in future i think i'll be more cautious though sounds like you did know your audience and the risk paid off i have a hunch the reason your ceo wants updates is they're worried about the treatment you may receive from your boss i feel like i'm too inexperienced to understand the dynamics of the situation like i have no idea if i messed up the relationship with my boss and how the incident reflected on me posted by user rate saying titles am i the a-hole for not giving my sister the ring that our late grandmother gave to me my grandmother passed away three and a half years ago of cancer she was the rock of the family and her loss hit everybody hard my older sister at the time was estranged and wasn't in contact with the family a few weeks before my grandmother passed away she gave me her wedding ring and made me promise to hold on to it until i got married and wore it myself eventually my sister came back around and was obviously devastated to hear about our grandmother's death she didn't seem too bothered with me having the ring at first but recently she's gotten engaged to her fiance and wants the ring my sister apparently told her fiance that she was going to get a ring and so he didn't bother with anything but a cheap simple gold band she approached me the other day and said that she wants the ring but i was obviously not going to give it up my sister essentially told me that she deserves the ring since she was a better granddaughter and that she is getting married first so she is entitled to it just by that fact i am dead set on keeping it because obviously it's my grandmother's ring and i want it for when i get married just to be clear i have a boyfriend but we're going slow am i being an a-hole for not giving up the ring your sister was estranged from the family your grandmother promised it to you you're off holding that promise i think your sister is pushing way too many boundaries by trying to get you to renege on that and try to get herself a free wedding ring perhaps the sister and the grandmother had a great relationship stronger than yours before she passed but i imagine if that were to be the case she would have promised the wedding ring to the sister even if the sister was estranged i guess it's a case if we don't have all the facts on face value for this one i'm gonna go with not the a-hole it's your ring now you can do what you want with it and if you don't want to give it to her you don't have to not the a-hole your sister sounds like an entitled little bratz your grandmother wanted you to have it that's why she gave it to you instead of your sister if she was the better granddaughter then she would have had a relationship with your grandmother rather than finding out she died well after the fact this right here if grandmother wanted sister to have it simply because sister was the eldest then she could have stipulated that fact obviously being the eldest wasn't the deciding factor exactly i'm the only daughter of a daughter and i got most of nana's jewelry because she wanted it to go down the female line it sucked for the other girls but they all got other belongings as per her wishes not the a-hole 100 your grandmother gave that ring to you you also said your sister was estranged from the family so i'm not quite sure how she was somehow the better granddaughter the ring is yours to do with as you wish but you might want to hide it somewhere safe even put it in a lock box or a bank safe if you don't trust your sister to not take it when you are not looking don't give in she's just trying to bully you now because she's promised her fiance something that wasn't hers to promise her problem not yours posted by user zealous ideal ring 74 titles am i the a-hole for letting my dad use the bathroom so weird post i get it my wife has been going to therapy and trying to work through a lot of stuff she writes all over our bathroom walls which i wish she didn't but it helps her and at the end of the day it's a pretty easy to paint a wall if we need to move we don't really have people over because of her anxiety but i have told her that it makes me uncomfortable because what if we have some type of repairman and he asks to use the bathroom well my car finally broke down and i'm going to be getting a new one in a couple of days but i needed some help so my dad agreed to pick me up from work he lives about 45 minutes from my work and 30 minutes from the house so i really appreciate it when we got to my house he came in to say hi to the kids and then he wanted to use the bathroom before he left i didn't know what to say because it would be so rude not to let him after he helped me out so i didn't know how to explain it without telling him why so i just let him use it yeah he was in there a long time and when he came out he was trying so hard not to laugh i know he's probably going to have a good laugh with my mom but i don't even know anymore i mentioned it to my wife she was livid she said i betrayed her and that she had written stuff about how much she hates my mum which i didn't know she is still mad at me for breaking her trust but i feel like it's kind of her fault because i told her not to do it in the bathroom i'm torn between no one's an a-hole here and you're an a-hole for this situation i know that riding on the bathroom wall is part of her therapy but you're eventually going to have someone in the house and either you're going to want to cover that up or keep it there and people are going to read it if you have people over you can't just not let them use the bathroom i feel like that would be rude this is a kind of damned if you do damned if you don't situation for the husbands and i don't blame him for letting um his dad use the bathroom i would too and you know just be prepared for a little bit of fallout but now that i think of it maybe it's a no a-holes here at all situation i don't think op did this in a vindictive way not the a-hole your dad drove over an hour to help you out and made a completely reasonable request to use your bathroom we gonna send him to the nearest gas station no people have quirks and your wife says riding on the bathroom walls it's absurd to think that she could keep that hidden and legit she could try to modify her behavior if she is so embarrassed by it put a whiteboard up and call it a day i had a blackboard wall as a child and loved it the paint is not too expensive and a small space wouldn't be oppressively dark not the a-hole was your dad supposed to go out in the yard your wife needs to get a notebook and stop using the walls is there only one bathroom do your kids read this stuff it can't be healthy for them to have this going on as normal only one bathroom but thankfully they can't read yet the eldest can read a little but she writes in cursive good luck teaching them not to scribble all over the walls at home and elsewhere with this as an example of what is normal as someone who suffers from terrible anxiety your wife needs more or different therapy than she is getting because this sounds positively unhinged posted by user throwaway7282828 titled am i the a-hole for ignoring my roommate after she accused me of saying the n word throw away because my roommate knows my reddit i 18 female i'm currently dorming with another roommate 19 female at college due to restrictions still going on in our area students that are dorming can't go off campus too much since my family and i decided that it was safer for me to be in limited contact with them physically i call them almost daily so does my roommate she speaks in english and sometimes in spanish when she calls her parents and siblings i speak in punjabi and hindi since my parents and i don't necessarily communicate in english at all three days ago i was on the phone with my mom my roommate was in the room with me we are both fine with talking to family while the other person is in the room while my mom was on the phone with me we started joking about something all i remember is that i said something along the lines of mum i can't take college anymore if i have to stare at my computer for one more hour i swear my eyesight is going to go away permanently for those that don't speak hindi or punjabi the word for eyesight sounds like the n word it doesn't mean anything bad it literally just means eyesight i grew up speaking those languages it didn't even register in my head until my roommate brought up that the word even sounded like a racial slur she started cursing me out the minute i said that i quickly told my mom that i would call her back and asked my roommate what was wrong at first i was concerned but then she kept saying that i said the n-word and i didn't even process it until i thought really hard about what i had said eventually i did explain i told her what i said meant eyesight when she didn't believe me we pulled out google translate and verified i even called a friend of mine in the same building as us and had her confirm apparently she said she believed me after that but today the minute i woke up she demanded an apology she said i made her feel unsafe and that she couldn't trust me anymore that is my language not everything is a direct translation to a racial slur after i told her that she started cursing me out again i started ignoring her at that moment but then she threatened to tell the ra i think she wrote an email to the ra so i'm not sure what to do now i called my parents and they told me that i was right my roommate on the other hand told her own parents and they think that i deserve a penalty she told her other friends and gave them my number and i've been getting nothing but hateful messages and racial slurs being directed at me at this point i really don't know if i was in the rights i feel like i should have just sucked up my pride and apologized but even then it's not like i did anything wrong i'm really conflicted about this what if i make this same mistake later on in public what do i do then so reddit am i the a-hole i really do think she's just oversensitive to things that sound like the n-word when you are obviously speaking in your native language i don't even think you've left anything out of this story i feel like this is true word for word and that they're the one with the problem not you if it's obvious that you're speaking in your negative tongue no one's gonna come at you and be like oh my god you're attacking people of a certain race by using that word you're clearly on the phone or you're talking to a friend the context of these situations will determine you know how people react to it this just seems like a very petty and personal attack on you by the roommates and i would just ignore her or report her if you can not the a-hole updates thank you so much for those that gave advice and reassurance is that the right word i've come to the realization that much more has been happening sorry for annoying y'all with an unnecessary post the ra said that it was a personal issue between roommates and there was no need to involve her i even showed her the texts i saved in regards to other actions ra has repeatedly been discriminatory to me before telling me that i need to take off my turban so has roommates and she even goes as far as to jokingly pull it off my head i will now be contacting a student representative and reporting both my roommates and the ra thank you all update 2 since a lot of people asked i used the word n-i-g-a-h some people commented the word nazar and while i do use it in formal settings or that's how i was taught i used the first word more casually others have provided the words be nai or nin i believe and i've never heard of those words in my entire life until now perhaps it's due to regional differences i'm not too sure not the a-hole the world doesn't revolve around the english language opie needs to write this on a giant poster and hang it up on their door for all to see hang up some lemon and green chilies to ward off that buri nazar evil eye coming your way too for a little tongue-in-cheek humor a lot of americans lose their crap because the world doesn't cater to them the culture intelligence of most americans is crap signed a guy from the deep south it's not that fudging hard the roommate speaks spanish which makes it really odd spanish has a word any gro which means black maybe she is just wanting to have a fight or isn't very bright not the a-hole 1. giving your number out is harassment 2. being so incredibly intolerant of another person's language last i checked was at the very least discriminatory at the worst flat out racist and three the only person making this a hostile environment is her go to the ra yourself and get a different roommate nobody should have to live like that i like how she's accusing you of being racist while she's being racist not the a-hole yeah a-holes often project posted by user miscellaneous me titled am i the a-hole for not telling my husband i'm pregnant until i'm further along hello everyone i'm 31 years old and i've recently found out i am pregnant i am currently 7 weeks my husband and i have been together for a total of 11 years and we have two girls together our relationship was fine until april 2018 i had a miscarriage at around 10 weeks i was devastated and it affected my mental and physical states what i told my husband he said things like what did you do we have two healthy kids so why did this happen how did you mess this up why couldn't you take care of the baby i thought this was his way of grieving about the situation since people react differently but it's still hard to hear i felt like i failed at being a mother i had to have a dnc and he refused to join me because he was too busy that day i knew we were healing in our own ways but i really wanted him to be there it's a scary and sad process he then told me since i was the one who lost the child i should be the one to break the news to everyone it was a miserable experience while i received the comfort from my family and in-laws my husband still doesn't care it eventually got the worst of me and i was clinically diagnosed with depression from miscarriage i wasn't eating and lost interest in many things it was to the point that my husband took notice he called me lazy and homely which didn't help my mother suggested counselling to help us reconnect during the sessions my husband was very defensive when the therapist said his actions towards me were unhealthy he stopped coming afterwards we decided to take a break it lasted for three months and in those three months he explained the situation to family members and friends apparently he got a reality check from everyone he saw he was being a straight-up a-hole towards me and has profusely apologized since then promised it never verbally abused me anymore and couldn't believe how he got away with the nasty things he put me through we tried therapy again and i could see the positive outcomes for both of us he genuinely changed and we rekindled in 2019 with no problems that's where this pregnancy comes in am i the a-hole for hiding this pregnancy december 11th is my last day of the first trimester i want to announce it for christmas but what if it's too early to be honest i want to keep this a secret until i'm 28 weeks i don't show until then and it would be better because third trimester babies have a higher chance of survival if anything happens but i know that's too long of a weight i also can lose the baby at any time as well that is why i'm hesitant on seeing anything at all what if i have another miscarriage what if i tell our families again only for my stupid body to lose another baby or worse what if my husband blames me again and we split for good i'm actually fudging scared i feel better getting this off my chest even if it is to complete strangers thanks for listening i cannot judge this if you don't trust your husband enough to tell him that you are pregnant what on earth are you doing having a baby with this person there is a difference between loving someone wanting to be with them and trusting them and feeling scared about someone's reaction the way opie's husband reacted with the miscarriage was incredibly hurtful and it's not surprising that opie is hesitant to tell him even though she took him back because she still loves him and wants to be married to him i'm afraid i have to disagree you should be able to trust the person you love yes you should be able to trust the person you love but it would be hard to not be apprehensive about the situation given what happened last time it's a hard situation either way yeah but then why have the next baby if you're so apprehensive about it it doesn't seem right that you now bring another unborn child into this mess given that you can't trust your husband at all to comfort you with a great loss like this i'm not judging op in this sense i'm just asking why was the next thing was to try and have another baby after this while still feeling like this towards her husband not the a-hole okay voting done moving on i hate your husband i hate him so much i also miscarried it 10 weeks started at 6 and we thought we were making progress only to end up in the office for an ultrasound and they couldn't find a heartbeat it was one of the worst days of my life i couldn't pass the material on my own even after three rounds of medication we ended up at pp for a dnc it was so hard i also had one healthy pregnancy before and it felt like my body betrayed me my husband was next to me the entire time and i asked myself those questions what did i do wrong did i eat something take the wrong meds move the wrong way was it because i picked up some things around the yard the other day because i went to work because i did bed rest too much too little why couldn't i carry this baby to term what was wrong with me there was nothing wrong with me and there was nothing wrong with you statistically one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage though doctors say could be as high as one out of two because some happen before you even know you're pregnant to have your partner turn on you like that after your body turned on you must have felt like the ultimate betrayal and i'm so sorry you deserved better my rainbow baby is five months old tomorrow and i spent the entire pregnancy scared to death and i'm sure you'll spend a good portion of this one feeling the same you wouldn't be the a-hole if you kept it from him and everyone else until you feel comfortable that could be today tomorrow or on the way to the hospital to give birth quite frankly i'm impressed you even got close enough to him to get pregnant again because i would have noped my way out you are under no obligation to tell friends family or anyone about your pregnancy this process is so hard in and of itself that you should feel entitled to limit what external difficulties occur good luck keep your head up and i'm sprinkling lots of baby dust over you virtually what gets me is that it wasn't opie or the therapist or his own in its sense of right and wrong that gave him a reality check it was all the other people being cruel to opie was totally fine up until he had social consequences go his default attitude to op is that she's useless contemptible worthy of scorn and abuse until he is 100 happy a quick google would have given him an idea of how common miscarriages are talking to her doctor would have done the same but he refused to go to the source of information as well in his head the only right and proper way to respond to this situation was to be unforgivably cruel to the person he claims to love most it took the opinions of other people to teach him to behave opie in my opinion whatever you decide to do read the baby and your marriage i'd book an appointment with your couple's therapist and tell him with them there you need the support and he needs to know that your relationship still hasn't recovered from what he did and there is still work to be done not the a-hole posted by user caitlyn kitkat titled am i the a-hole for telling parents to leave me alone and let me raise my own damn kid i just had my kid a week and one day ago she was born via emergency c-section recovery has been horrible i have also developed ppd i love my baby regardless but obviously the first few months are going to be very hard for me but ever since i came back from the hospital my parents have been up my ass about telling me how to raise my childs i take some of their advice but a lot of it just annoys me for starters i asked both nurses and doctors almost every question i could think of about my baby every day before i left with her back home i wanted to be prepared and double check so i wouldn't risk any accidental harm i have done everything doctors have told me to do as far as care she even went to her first doctor's appointment not too long ago and her physician said that i was doing an amazing job most newborns lose weight before they gain it back but my baby is not only in great condition but gaining weight but apparently this isn't enough for them they cannot stop giving me unwanted advice and every time i tell them that's not what the nurse and doctor said they give me the whole i raised kids these doctors don't know what they're talking about keep in mind my grandmother is in her 70s and my dad is in his late 40s when they were raising kids a lot of their advice is old school and flawed today i just had enough i'm trying to feed my baby which is difficult because at the same time i'm trying to feed myself because i haven't eaten all day i get bombarded with calls and texts from my family telling me more unasked unwanted advice they told me swaddle your baby with her legs straight meanwhile my doctor told me that that loosens the baby's hip muscles and isn't good for them and told me the proper way to swaddle nope they weren't having that and proceeded to lecture me about how once again doctors don't know anything and treat black people's children differently from white people's children keep in mind my child is considered white due to my fair complexion i am still considered black and my husband being white obviously race shouldn't matter in this topic but apparently it does to them they would bring it into everything i got annoyed and just told them to back off and let me raise my own damn childs i'm tired of being told one thing and then another thing from them they are confusing me and my husband from cold milk being dangerous i've been told there is zero proof that cold milk affects babies aside from a little shock value in some because they expect warm milk from swaddling to how to hold my baby because they think baby skulls don't exist even on the sides and it's nothing but brain obviously that's not true and other stuff you know etc of course they are mad and are calling me stupid for not questioning my doctor's advice and undermining them because they've raised children and i haven't i'm mentally exhausted am i the a-hole for telling my parents to leave me alone and let me raise my own damn kid no and i'm surprised you're letting the opinions of idiots continue to affect you like this and you haven't just blocked them for a bit to leave you alone if i was you i'd continue to just ignore them and i'm gonna call you not the a-hole not the a-hole parenting techniques have changed a lot over the years and what's recommended and done now is different from what was done decades ago one of my best friends actually had a bit of a row that was later solved because the mom kept pushing her to do things how she'd done them or because the mum questioned why she did things differently your child your decision your parents don't know more than doctors or nurses that's just a fact unless they are doctors or nurses themselves i love how the parents use the argument that because they raised kids they know how to raise a child and that opie should ignore the doctors they act as if none of those doctors or nurses could possibly be a parent that is raised to childs plus every idiot with a working reproductive system could produce a child's doesn't make them a proper parent or skilled at raising kids not the a-hole mama block them all for a few days and concentrate on you and your baby op this i can't stress enough that having someone question your ability to raise your own child is not someone you need in your life right now trust your guts trust your medical providers and ignore the ridiculous offers your parents are pushing not the a-hole it's pretty standard for parents to give unwanted advice but they are going pretty far with it side notes while cold milk isn't harmful it can give some indigestion and can lead to more spit ups however i believe that is kid dependent mine would spit up instantly if her formula wasn't warm enough yet this is also what i was told it varies from different children mine luckily accepts cold milk instantly with no issues thankfully because i don't have a bottle warmer she spits up due to eating too quickly warm or cold milk she drinks strictly breast milk i don't know if that actually helps with digestion due to it being cold or nuts because that's a question i actually haven't asked the doctor yet and you're going to know your child better than anyone your family may be overcompensating right now and may back off in time i wouldn't write off their advice completely they may have a trick or two that will help with various issues that arise over the years but you absolutely have the right to do what you want within reason of course it appears like opie needs to establish boundaries first before taking an advice from the parents she seems to be doing her best and from personal experience with ppd gaining confidence in parenting and growing the bond with her daughter along with those boundaries could help with the ppd and then maybe reopen things regarding advice updates so in regards to my old post i first want to say thank you for all the support i tried ignoring my family but it didn't work out too well due to how frequent i've had to see them they were very argumentative whenever i came over saying things like i must not love them due to me not answering the phone so honestly not much of that advice worked i had a tooth extraction not too long ago that required me to have my family take care of my baby for three days i left them a list of instructions while i was there they immediately didn't listen to anything i said but that changed very quickly when i told them only feed her two ounces because otherwise you'll over feed her and she'll throw up everywhere they basically disregarded it they overfed her and the reason being she's still eating so obviously i told them babies don't know when to stop eating from the bottle but nope they proceeded to say oh no you're just not feeding her enough so i just waited for the inevitable it only took five minutes for my baby to puke all on them and honestly it made me smile and i blurted out what was that me knowing what i'm talking about guess you'll be feeding her two ounces and slammed the instructions that i wrote back in front of them kissed my baby goodbye and left for those few days i came back three days later after recovering my family looked absolutely exhausted and that just made me smile more they admitted to literally every single thing i've been telling them for the past three weeks she really doesn't stop crying after warm milk i guess it's not because you feed her cold milk wow you must not be getting enough sleep she had us up for so long they love calling my phone because they think i have time to have a conversation and so much more crap they accused me of doing wrong with her now i believe they'll shut up about how doctors don't know any better because then i told them my instructions they finally decided to follow weren't that of doctors which they admitted beforehand and that helped calm her down of course i didn't get an apology they are too proud to ever say i'm sorry in fact they stated that after they followed my instructions they were better than me than handling my own kid which rubbed me the wrong way which means i'll be ignoring their calls and texts even more but at least they'll think it's because i'm actually busy with my baby so i think i'm finally free of their unwanted advice and all it took was a newborn to put them in their place edits as many women have backed up in one comment in particular pregnancy does a horrible number on teeth this was not your typical normal everyday extraction if it was i wouldn't have needed the three days off to recover it gets very tiresome repeating the same thing over and over again i'm happy for you and for them that they learned their lesson although it sucks that they don't see the need to apologize to you after being rude but you win some you lose some all the best with your baby poor kid what kind of tooth extraction requires leaving a newborn with people who won't follow instructions for three days when you have multiple pulled at the same time pregnancy really screwed up my teeth and the dentist refused to see me for anything because of my pregnancy and while dealing with ppd along with the pain due to the extractions i wasn't mentally capable of dealing with my baby unfortunately and they were the only ones available to care for her they did a good job considering i've heard some people's teeth get really screwed up during and after having a baby that's rough and i'm sorry it happened to you i'm assuming by cold milk you mean room temperature formula either formula or breast milk she's normally on breast milk but family used formula due to me not being there they constantly told me colic which she has exists because i gave her cold milk which isn't true she takes it very well and most of the times falls asleep right after they constantly said that room temp would settle that instantly it did not posted by user administration ic616 titles am i the a-hole for asking my ex-wife to transplant the tree she planted on our property my soon-to-be ex-wife 32 female and i 39 male were married for 10 years before we got separated we have two homes a main home close to new york city and a lake house upstate we agreed she would continue living in our main home and i would move to the lake house seven years ago my wife's grandmother passed away she planted a tree at our lake house in her honor since this was a vacation home that i'm now turning into a permanent residence i'm going to be doing renovations and there is no way around the tree needing to be removed i am willing to pay for all expenses to transplant the tree and the aftercare to ensure that the tree survives the process i am willing to wait until the right time to do this however i heard late fall is the best time so we do need to start planning it now my ex-wife does not want to transplant the tree at all she wants to be able to come over and keep visiting as it's a nice spot there's a bench next to it and it's next to the lake and she would spend a lot of time out there my girlfriend does not feel comfortable with my ex-wife coming to my house whenever she wants my ex-wife says everyone she talked to about transplanting the tree says there is a risk of the tree not surviving and she is not willing to take that chance even though i'm willing to do whatever is needed to make sure the risk is as small as possible however i really don't know much about transplanting trees i've never had to do this before am i the a-hole for asking her to transplant the tree i personally don't think so i think you've come up with a reasonable compromise and i can understand why she is unwilling to not go through this entire process and risk losing the tree it holds significant sentimental value to her although i can see if the tree continues to exist in the place it's in it's gonna cause unnecessary and unwanted conflicts this is a hard one but purely for asking her to transplant the tree i think not the a-hole you've given her plenty of time and plenty of options to come up with a reasonable solution and so far it doesn't look like she has suggested anything else besides keep the tree there so yeah not the a-hole tell her straight up that the tree is in the way and will be getting moved regardless her only two choices are one you have the tree professionally moved to a property that she owns or two they raise the tree when the renovations happen tell her she has until x date to tell you if she wants it moved if she doesn't make arrangements to do so by that date then the renovations will proceed however they need to i came here to say this give an ultimatum like i'm getting rid of the tree we can either move it to your garden or move it into a wood chipper your choice not the a-hole at all but you need to put your foot down yeah i agree rop is being very awesome about this ultimatum is the way to go info will the tree need to be moved no matter what it sounds like it's standing in the way of your renovations is that right if it has to be transplanted no matter what it might as well go to her property i assume you're being plenty generous already and i don't think it's unreasonable not to want your ex-wife visiting and hanging around your property anytime she wants and opi replies yes it will need to be removed i have a large family and they stay at my house often so i'm going to need to put an extension on the guest house just popping in she can always take clippings and propagate them too just in case the main tree dies there will be other little ones from the same one beautiful cycle this is a cool idea i'll tell her about it and if for some reason it does die a woodworker could make a piece of furniture from the old tree you would have to find someone to kill the logs into boards not in the wheelhouse of most woodworkers but then there is a lot of possibilities for a piece of furniture or even some nice big wooden balls or a cutting board update i spoke to my ex-wife again and told her that this time of the year was the best time to move a tree and give it the highest chance of surviving and the construction was going to start anyway and even if we didn't move the tree until the last possible moment there was still a good chance it could get damaged just from the work being done around it she confessed to me that one of the reasons she did not want the tree to get moved was because she wasn't sure if she was going to keep the house or sell it because of the memories she was unwilling to come up with another plan so i had the tree transplanted to her mother's house which isn't far from hers her mother talked to a landscaper and i put up a bench and some bushes around it it's a nice spot my ex-wife isn't happy but the tree seems to be thank you to everyone for your advice sir harry flashman says well done for preserving and protecting the tree thank you i never thought i would ever be so invested in the well-being of a tree when i die i want a green funeral basically they put you in a cardboard bag and plant a tree over you i've heard about that it sounds really cool you should read a book called the american way of death it's old but has been updated and as a result i have changed my will to reflect what i learned reading it that's a great update you really went out of your way and the bench and bushes are a lovely touch i wouldn't be surprised if she's not happy because regardless of what you wanted and had agreed re-splitting the properties she still intended to come visit the tree quite regularly aka spend time at what is now your property but she can't have it both ways you outplayed her have got a clean break now and have acted with kindness and dignity even when she was being awkward bravo agreed it seems like part of the reason she wants the tree to stay there was so she could continue to visit and then eventually petition opie to allow her to stay there because she's already in the area to see the tree i agree it really seems like she just wanted a free vacation home i bet she would have demanded op allow her to stay at this place because it's such a far drive that way she could go to the lake house whenever she wanted and always have an excuse this was actually a really lovely thing to do not sure why your ex is unhappy i'd be glad that my ex was able to show some empathy and move the tree rather than cut it down thank you i'm sure she'll come around i'm not sure she will but that has nothing to do with your generosity she is likely making so many excuses because she wanted a reason to have unlimited access to continue using your home as a vacation home she may always be bitter that you took her excuses for that away from her that doesn't at all reflect on you though posted by user let me fall 45 titles am i the a-hole for not letting my mom see my kids when i was 18 a week before graduating my mom and step dad went out and got too drunk to drive home they called me and it was 2am in the pouring rain i pull up directions to my home on my phone to be fast my step dad was giving me directions too but my phone showed me he was taking us in circles i told him this he got mad at me and was screaming at me to follow his directions he grabbed the wheel and jerked us to the side of the road i lost it i told him not to come to my graduation he responded with nobody cares that you're graduating and kicked me out when we finally got home and went inside my mum was in the back seat and i asked her me or him she told me to leave i did and never came back i am married now with two kids and recently started therapy my mom asks me what i talk about in therapy and i always just say i want to keep it to myself i finally caved and told her that week in therapy i talked about the above time how it hurt me because i felt she chose him she admitted she doesn't remember how the night went down at all because she had been drinking but she demanded she wouldn't say something like that so she didn't say it i got upset and said she wasn't validating my emotions and that's why i like therapy because it's helping me work through everything she told me i was a manipulator and that my therapy will never truly help me because i'm a liar i told her to shut up and i hung up the phone and blocked her so i cannot receive her calls and texts a bit far but i need a break from her i am working on boundary setting and wanted to take some time to think this was three weeks ago she texted my husband thursday night asking if she can take the kids on saturday to her house and the park my husband said he would talk to me about it we decided now was not a good time because i don't want her around the kids or me right now we felt it was a way to try to get back to me because in the two years since my son was born she has only taken him twice one of which was when i was having the new baby my husband texted her friday night and said no tomorrow isn't a good time she texted back immediately asking when a good time would be husband said we will let you know that is it nothing else we thought this was respectful enough especially because my youngest has special needs so our schedule is crazy my mom called my grandma and said i wasn't letting her see the kids she said she's done with me my kids and my husband she then told my sister at their home to text me and tell me that we are no longer allowed to see each other and that my sister can't see the kids either she told her i chose this there's a bunch more stories that make me think my mom is the a-hole but my whole life she told me i was dramatic manipulative etc though i really feel like i did the right thing at first i'm starting to feel like she may be right am i the a-hole for not letting her see the kids it's been about two months since she had seen them this woman sounds like an absolute piece of work i'm surprised your relationship with her and with your kids has lasted as long as it has she doesn't seem like a pleasant person to be around and it's obvious she doesn't actually care about looking after the kids or seeing them she's currently playing some weird wacky and wonderful games and i wouldn't want to be playing along with her so no you're not the a-hole for not letting her see the kids i would do the same not the a-hole [Music] top jukes n a says not the a-hole if i was in your shoes she wouldn't ever be around my children she doesn't seem to care about your feelings she is also more than willing to use people closest to you to manipulate you into giving her what she wants thank you i have thought about cutting her off completely before but was legitimately afraid i would end up without a phone a car or a home probably because instances like above where it happened before though i am an adult and take care of all of my own things now i am still afraid she will take everything away from me somehow once again i sometimes am convinced this is me being manipulative and dramatic dan savage likes to point out that all the power in the relationship between an adult child and a parent is with the adult child because the parent no longer has a hold over the child's survival i want to remind you of this because it's easy to forget when you're a helpless kid and the person who makes your world turn yanks things away all the time or threatens to it annihilates your sense of permanence and safety which is why they do it incidentally they want you doubting and malleable i struggled with this for a long time too especially as a struggling grad during the recession i still did need their goodwill to get by and i had to keep playing the game longer because of it but not now now i'm free and so are you if your mums have a fit we don't lose our jobs we'll still have our homes our partners won't walk out on us the only thing that happens when mum throws a fit now is that mum throws a fit maybe ruins her own day we're safe not the a-hole and i think some space from her would be good for you and your whole family go forth in peace and look after your mental health not the a-hole stay in therapy love your children and husbands live your life i'm sorry that your mother behaves badly thank you i will all of these comments are making me emotional thank you so many times she is being manipulative not you talk to your sister about it you'll be better off without your mom not the a-hole your mother continuously mistreats you and there is no need for you to subject yourself or your children to that she's using your sister to manipulate you if your sister chooses to cut you and your children out of her life that's because your mother demands it that is squarely on their shoulders not yours thank you this is one of my biggest fears my sister is 15 and most definitely wants to remain in my life but is unable to drive for is controlled by my mother still i want nothing more than to take her out of the home because it's awful there but i am not well off financially and my husband has a record from when he was young 19 to 22 and homeless train hopping i don't think i would be granted custody and the rest of my family is just as crazy update sorry if this is bad i'm on mobile and my kids are climbing all over me so i've been no contact for five months or so with my mum and stepdad sometimes i feel guilty for not letting them see my kids i don't feel bad for myself or for my children but i feel bad for them not being able to have my kids in their life what squashes me is that i've talked to my mum twice for the total of about 20 minutes and both times i try to explain i understand her feelings of wanting to see my kids but by continuing to ask other people to contact me to see them as a breach of my trust and boundaries and doesn't show me the needed respect i am demanding i tried to tell her that i somehow needed to know that she's actually changing and becoming a better person before i'm comfortable with her being around me or my children but the second i even say anything close to that she attacks me and tells me i'm crazy for needing to know her personal business and tells me i'm hurting my children by not allowing her in their lives i honestly do not feel this way and i feel like i'm protecting my children from her lashouts and harsh words when they are older and no longer cute and cuddly she legitimately told me that she would rather not talk to my kids at all ever again than try to right any of her wrongs fine her choice not mine right thank you everyone for your support and kind words i am planning to continue no contact and even blocked her on my husband's phone so she can't reach out to us at all i have joined narcissistic parents on here cptsd and just no mother-in-law and find a lot of relatable stories and feel like there are people who understand me i also still am in therapy weekly and am improving my symptoms and doing well with getting my mother's belittling comments out of my head i o read it so much to aiding in this because of the nice people who gave me the strength and encouragement to keep going with putting myself first mentality i wanted to start those months ago posted by user throw sis and i titled am i the a-hole for having a breakdown after my sister's announcement so i have been struggling to conceive for the past nine years it has been a very brutal journey for me and my husbands we've experienced many disappointments my sister is also happily married and they adopted two teenagers who are also siblings i have stopped going to my sister for any emotional supports as her advice has always been just adopts i know that she thinks the fact that i want to spend so much money on fertility treatments instead of adopting is stupid in the past few years i haven't spoken to my sister because my life revolved around the treatments and i didn't have any time for her negativity this whole experience has changed a lot of things in my life everything is sometimes heartbreaking and i get irrationally emotional i am pro-choice and i know that in my brain but when someone mentions that they had an abortion i immediately see red i usually remove myself from the situation and i feel very bad and guilty for even thinking some awful things about women recently we had a family dinner for our parents anniversary and she seemed a little off my mum kept asking her what happened at first she wouldn't tell what happened after dinner me mum and my sister were sitting in the living room while the guys and kids were outside my sister was grimacing and my mum asked her again what happened she confided that she recently had an upsie and had to abort she said that she already had two kids and she doesn't want more i froze i had always assumed that my sister was also facing problems which is why she adopted it felt like a punch to the gut to find out that wasn't the case worse my mother was gushing and telling my sister how proud she was of her and that she was so brave something broken me i yelled i screamed i said some awful things i said that her family wasn't real and she was an idiot for having an abortion i told her that the fact that she would have an abortion for them was stupid i told her that she wasn't even a woman because she couldn't appreciate the joys of pregnancy i told her that she was going to regret doing this when they turn 18 and forget all about her i stormed out after that and after having another breakdown in my own house i felt guilty and ashamed i called my sister and my mother the next day and told them i was sorry both of them were incredibly pissed at me especially because the kids overheard me saying that they weren't her real kids i have been informed that they were going to cut all contact with me i have apologized and tried to explain my side of things and they aren't willing to listen i don't think i should lose my family for a mistake but i don't know am i the a-hole [Music] gonna go with yeah this wasn't particularly a mistake this kind of seemed like it was preventable and you could have stopped yourself along the way multiple times as you self-admit that you see red when you hear about abortions i don't call this one a mistake i call it a choice that you regret but in no way was any of this a mistake you intentionally went out saying these things call it like it is opie stop trying to cover up the reality of the situation and take ownership for yourself i genuinely think with that level of spite that you've shown for this woman you deserve to be cut off for a while from them and you know apologizing won't fix things explaining your side of things will not fix things the damage is done you're the a-hole you're the a-hole you don't think you should lose your family over a mistake i agree a mistake would be accidentally backing into your sister's car after family dinner this wasn't that the hateful crap that came out of your mouth was inexcusable period hi opie i was adopted as a baby people like you made my life miserable from the time i was a small child too many people out there seem to think we deserve less or should never get to be a part of a real family all because of crap completely out of our control i'm almost 30 and i certainly never forgot about my parents when i turned 18. that is utter nonsense we wouldn't walk away from the only parents to care about us why do you think people like me and your sisters kids deserve to be second class i get that you're in pain about being unable to conceive but taking that pain out on someone who did not cause the problem is just huge a-hole behavior especially the kids if they had to be adopted at that age they've likely already been treated horribly your pain does not give you any justification to increase theirs you're the a-hole and your sister is being a good parent by keeping you away from her kids totally my sister is adopted and both my mum and i went to her bachelor's and master's graduation ceremony she went to my law school and grad ceremony we both take care of my mom and she calls her mum to this day we are a family and we will always be even after 20 years seriously these kinds of people made my mum and my sister's life hell when she was younger telling her horrible things opie you're the a-hole and you do deserve to be cut off at least for a while you said horrible things lashed out at people who didn't deserve it and hurt children who have been through enough already and the fact you called it a mistake makes it clear that you don't see the weight of your actions one hundred percent you're the a-hole flipping out occasionally can happen to anyone in extreme situations i guess but that being said you went so far outside the norm here i don't even think this can be called a normal temper tantrum you went for the kill you insulted her integrity you insulted her family you insulted her kids there are times that apologies are not enough this is one of those times you caused a lot of damage and pain deliberately you need to do some hard thinking of why you reacted so badly you may need therapy you may need a time out from your family because you are not thinking clearly you may need to cut contact with your teenage relatives because seeing you is going to hurt them for a long time you do not deserve forgiveness until you take actual effort to better yourself and even then it is on their terms and their timeline not yours posted by user neb2929 titled am i the a-hole for telling my brother he got exactly what he deserved when he pushed his girlfriend away for being a gold digger my brother is a very hard-working man and at 27 he is now very wealthy and doing very well for himself he's been with this girl for six months and throughout the time we have gotten close because we both like hair makeup and shopping i never knew there was anything wrong with their relationship except when she texted me last week saying that she would love to hang out but thinks it'll be inappropriate because her and my brother broke up i asked her why and she said she was sick and tired of auditioning to prove she was with him for the right reasons she went on to say that my brother is paranoid she's after his money so he would like to test her like one leaving out his bank statements on their bed and getting upset when she picked it up 2. going out to eat at high-end restaurants he requested and leaving his wallet at home on purpose to make her pay the bill and prove she's not going out with him for money and three never buying her gifts and questioning her when she asks why he doesn't i was shocked so i had to hear my brother's perspective we spoke and he told me everything she said was true and that there was nothing wrong with making sure his girlfriend is with him for the right reasons he said he left his bank statements on the bed and was peeking through the door to see if she would be curious and when he saw her pick up the papers he knew in his gut she was using him for his money so he set up the restaurant idea to see if she would get upset at paying for a 500 bill which she was i asked him if he thinks her being an elementary school teacher could have contributed to her being upset at a 500 bill at a restaurant he wanted to go to and he said no he said the straw that broke was when she asked him why he hasn't bought her a single gift since they started dating when she bought him a gaming console and new rims for his car and he knew she was just discreetly asking him to buy her an expensive gift he confronted her and said he thinks she's with him for his money so she said let me do us both a favor and dumped him and blocked him he's upset about the gold-digging [ __ ] and when i laughed he called me an a-hole he said i would never understand what it's like being a rich man and being used and i get that concern but i told him if he thinks any woman will be okay with his tests and auditions he is delusional as hell if he doesn't want to be used for his money he should start dating people as wealthy as him or leave lower income people alone if he's not going to be genuine in his relationship unless they pass his test i'm gonna go with not the a-hole for this one i think it's pretty simple i don't think you were an a-hole to him at all you were telling him the cold hard truth that she told him and he is denying that one i think you may be feeling like an a-hole because he called you one and your actions were very blunt but that's justifiable behavior i don't think you can be considered an a-hole for telling it like it is at least in this context maybe other times it would be inappropriate but i would like to validate your concerns and say no you are not the a-hole you did well hero p screw him he is delusional not the a-hole sounds like you told your brother the truth he sounds immature and testing a partner never turns out well he said it's impossible to find a woman as wealthy as him so he's forced to date middle and lower class women so he's still going to continue his tests i told him he should go to therapy and he said i'm crazy your brother knows that there are things such as prenups here also while i'm by no means wealthy i do alright for myself as i am sure is the case for many on here i will say that if i were invited to be treated at an expensive restaurant and be stuck with a 500 bill as a test i would be massively arse-blasted and would end the relationship there's no way i would have paid the bill on a teacher's salary i would have left his ass right then he goes after lower to middle class women because he feels like he has an advantage over them he likes the power this seriously he enjoys feeling superior and making them jump through hoops not the a-hole opie also dump your brother and stay friends with the ex agreed she sounds like a smart person with a good sense of self-worth keep her as a friend as for your brother opie i'd say you should give him a blow-up doll for christmas that way he's got a completely compliant woman who he knows for sure isn't after his cash may they both be very happy together bonus it keeps him from inflicting himself on the dating pool anymore it's a win-win for everyone only a-hole here is the brother also where does she teach that she can afford game consoles rims and 500 dinners clearly she is really responsible with her money something that you'd think the brother would appreciate if he weren't such a shallow asshat she told me she dipped into her savings for all that and not her salary which is sad because she still has student loans and credit cards she's paying off posted by user winifred twerkle titled am i the a-hole for rejecting my boyfriend's engagement ring because he assumed i was taking his name this happened in july but the tension has not stopped building my boyfriend's 36 male proposed to me 23 female at a family function in july it was his family at his brother's house a lot of his family were there his brother and his brother's wife their kids my boyfriend's mom and my boyfriend's sister they have family get-togethers all the time so i suspected nothing well near the end of the evening he proposes in front of everyone it was super romantic and i said yes we've been dating for four months and i really do want to spend my life with him the gag the ring he got me is expensive and gorgeous and fits however about five minutes after proposing i noticed the ring was engaged with my first name and his last name i think rage is the right word that he just assumed i would take his name not even a hyphenated as if i was now his property i handed him back the ring in front of everyone and told him it was beautiful but he had no right to assign me his name i was not to be his property we would be equal why not he take my last name he took the ring but didn't really say anything most of his family kept quiet but his mom and sister-in-law did try to comfort me and say that he didn't mean anything by it things have been weird since it's like we're not engaged he's acting like everything is normal but has not talked about the ring gotten me a new one or even announced us as being engaged to his friends there has been no wedding talk and i figured the ball was in his court now with the ring so i've been following his lead i guess we're not engaged my brother said i emasculated him in front of his family and that my whole concern is stupid and that i'm an a-hole for bringing it up at all but especially in front of others i feel like stripping me of my name is a big deal and a discussion prior would have been the right way to do it i'm more than happy to take his name if he would just ask am i the a-hole edits i did want to add because i think being safe is importance that the july family get together with social distance and everyone did wear masks there were about 10 people total i was gonna say not the a-hole for this one and then i went back and read some comments and i'm like wait a second four months you've been dating for four months and he's already ready to engage and you are too and then all of this drama happens i think you both are misjudging the situation and you obviously don't know each other enough after dating for four months and i think the way you're dealing with it after the facts is i don't know indicative of how you guys are gonna handle arguments and disagreements with each other whenever this happens in the future just gonna say i really don't think you guys are right for each other if all of this is happening within the span of four months of getting together i think it would probably be for the best that you guys either communicate more and go to therapy or break up everyone sucks here everyone sucks here dude four months i've had shirts that i used to wear for longer and said why the hell was i wearing that 13 13-year age gap no discussion about being married or dealing with this stuff beforehand plus you have been dating for an incredibly short time if you were 43 and have experienced a ton of life maybe already married and divorced then meh about 4 months but 23 and 4 months is way too fast totally agree but i think opie sucks if this man is someone you considered marrying at all you could have handled the situation better throwing a hissy fit about it didn't help anything you've been together for four seconds and never spoke about taking last names you took a nice gesture and crapped all over it could have pulled him aside and talked about the last name thing later he pulled a surprise proposal in front of his family why should he be surprised if she tells the truth about her feelings in the same environments he put her on the spots made an executive decision without consulting her and expected her to accept the situation without question in front of his family if you pull a surprise proposal in public putting your partner on the spot you have to be prepared for a surprise no the thing is she said yes so he must have had an idea that that was going to be the answer so her going into a rage is not a match for him surprising her which in her words she wants to spend the rest of her life with him a simple talk alone about the name could have resolved it and having the name on a ring does not make it set in stone by any means he can get another ring or have it changed if possible or he's a 36 year old dating someone who was practically a child so he could expect her to make further bad decisions there are so many red flags in this post that i have to assume it's made up if it's true then you both suck so bad i can't wrap my head around it everyone sucks here posted by user not my name 2020 titled am i the a-hole for calling my grandma by the wrong name until she gets my name right this has been going on forever so i decided to do something i'm 16 male half mexican from my dad's side and my mom's side is scottish not gonna lie most of my mom's family is high key racist and it's been problems sometimes growing up my grandma and my mom's side never liked my dad and was happy after they divorced when i was seven my name is emiliano and my grandma always complained how hard it is she tried to change my parents minds and it's a shame that i got stuck with it i'm actually proud of it my dad told me about the revolutionary i was named after and their history but literally my entire life my grandma refuses to say it she says it's too many symbols i have a cousin named alexandria and they say the whole name and she always came up with her own names she says leo or once tried to get everyone to call me elliot as a nickname for a while obviously my mum's family was for it but my dad refused that because it's not my name it's always the same thing when i see them she'll call me leo or whatever even when i correct her she says it's not a big deal and keeps calling me the wrong name i told my mum i don't like it but she always says i'm just not going to change her mind and there's no point in fighting it so i decided if she's not going to want to call me by my actual name i'm not going to call her grandma or say her name right it's stupid i know but it's bothering me more that she doesn't care and all my other cousins she says their name's fine no nicknames her name is susan so i decided to call her sandy to be honest i was scared to say it but that look on her face was worth it lamell it wasn't surprise pikachu face but it was close she said that it's not how i address her and that it's grandma i told her nah i'mma call her sandy from now on until she says my actual name it got awkward my mom was serious and my grandma got super red in the face she started ranting about me being a fudging disrespectful child and this is all my dad influencing me again my mum told me i need to apologize immediately but i don't know what gave me the balls to not do it we ended up leaving their house early and my mom didn't talk to me until we got home she says what i did was out of line and i don't respect my elders ever she wants me to apologize and i'm grounded until i do haven't talked to my dad yet about this since it just happens but i wanted to ask if i was being an a-hole or it was it okay for this situation to quote-unquote insult my grandmother i don't know what stick is up her ass but it's obviously tickling that brain a little bit too much think that that grandma needs to take a chill pill because it's not as bad as she's making it out to be i think the way you're going about it is intentionally petty and i'm living for it i support your decision here i'm going to go with not the a-hole adults and the elderly don't like it when they're given a dose of their own medicine not the a-hole emiliano is not a difficult name to pronounce and your grandma is not respecting you when she's always mispronouncing it so why should you respect her it's a two-way street and you don't owe her respect just because she's your grandmother good on you for sticking up for yourself and calling attention to her bs like it literally ain't a hard name to pronounce none of my friends speak spanish and say it no problem as someone who is much closer to your grandma and age than you i am super proud of you she has been disrespecting you as a person your whole life by refusing to use your given name you have shown her how it feels i don't know how this is going to play out but kudos to you if your parents try to discipline you ask them how you should have approached it you have asked repeatedly to be called emiliano and she has ignored your wishes what else should you have done if she calls you by your preferred name you will call her by hers it's fair you have limited tools at your disposal i think you have been very creative in approaching a difficult situation as already alluded to his mom will tell him he should have just ignored it let it happen and he needs to apologize mom is going to be of no help rationalizing won't do anything opie be prepared to either take your punishment as long as necessary if you want to hold firm if you're going to end up giving in to get ungrounded you might as well do it although i agree with sticking to your guns your household is not the court of law and you have few rights in this regard why not call her abuela or abuelita sort of malicious compliance like not the a-hole by the way but i get that you don't want to upset your mom posted by user eat this drink this titled am i the a-hole for yelling at my mom when she made me breakfast before a test i am fully prepared to be called the a-hole but please hear me out since quarantine started my mum 47 female has had the privilege of working from home almost every day she makes me breakfast at first it was nice but after a while i told her that i 18 female will be moving out soon for university and i'd like to learn to make my own food at least my own breakfast i told her that if she really wants to she can make breakfast over the weekends but during the weekday i'd like to make it myself she agreed and this was back in april and may 2020 over the months regardless of me telling her not to make me breakfast she makes it and brings it to my room throughout the months i've also told her multiple times that i don't like it when she brings food whether it be breakfast lunch or dinner to my room because it makes my room smell distracts me from my work and makes me feel guilty every time she brings food to my room i end up eating it whether i'm hungry or not just because i don't want her to feel bad sometimes when i'm working she brings up lunch and dinner and although there are times where i thank her for bringing me food most of the time i remind her that one i want to learn how to remind myself to eat to prepare myself for moving out and two the other reasons i listed above despite me reminding her hundreds i swear i'm not exaggerating of times to not bring me food she still does it this morning i had an 8 a.m test for one of my classes after coming out of the shower i saw that she had placed breakfast on my desk my room smelled like food which created a distracting atmosphere for me to write the test when i went to pick it up the knife slipped from the plates she gave me pancakes and fell onto the carpets spreading syrup everywhere i had five minutes before my test started at this point and i was really frustrated after quickly cleaning up the mess i went downstairs and yelled at her telling her that she needs to understand my boundaries and to keep to her word she has said multiple times that she will not bring me food and yet she keeps doing it week after week i feel bad because it was a thoughtful action and i love my mum but i have told her so many times on multiple occasions to stop am i the a-hole it's kind of hard for this one because i would love to have breakfast every day and i understand that you want to be an individual and move out and progress and i can't particularly fault you for that i just think you're not handling this situation well i feel like there are other peaceful ways to go about this situation and yelling was not the appropriate way to do it i think that you took it too far for this one and i feel like you're the one stabbing yourself in the back here i don't agree with her continuing to make you breakfast when you've made it clear too many times that she's pushing the boundaries i think that you guys are both at fault here so i think everyone sucks here [Music] update last night i apologized to my mum for yelling at her about me dropping my knife i told her that it was my fault and i shouldn't have gotten upset at her over that specific point i also explained to her exactly why i didn't like her making me breakfast most of the reasons i outlined in my comments she apologized and said that she'd try her best not to continue make me breakfast and let me figure it out on my own at my own time she also said that she continues to do it because she feels bad when i don't eat right when i wake up i explained to her how it makes me feel nauseous and sleepy and how that's a bad combination before 8 am lectures this morning she made me a heavy breakfast and take what you want from that thank you to all those that provided their opinion i really appreciate all perspectives i tried to respond to the most common perspectives as well extra info 1. i didn't mention my struggle with mental health to paint my mum as the villain after i noticed that people were calling me the a-hole i came here fully prepared to be called in a hall i didn't mention my depression or ocd just so people feel bad for me i mentioned it as a context i've requested her to change her mindset on mental health and she hasn't i thought it was necessary to mention that as this breakfast request seems a lot smaller in comparison i'm sorry if it came out as if i wanted her to look like a bad person she's a lovely mother in many aspects but she has a hard time to change her mindset on certain things 2. i don't have any history of eating disorders three i make my own lunch and i help my mom with dinner most days i also eat dinner with my family i'd eat lunch with them too but my mum prefers to eat in her room so i usually eat lunch alone in between my lectures 4. i usually don't eat breakfast in the morning which is why i've asked her not to make it whenever i am hungry in the morning however i put together something to eat as long as she hasn't already made me food and five i have been enabling my mum because wasting food is a big no in my family no one else will eat her breakfast since she doesn't eat breakfast and my dad makes his own early in the morning some not eating the food would be considered a waste i could put it in the fridge to eat his lunch but that would take away from the wanting to make my own lunch as well many of you have been calling me a spoiled entitled brats i respect your opinion since i came here fully knowing that i might get stuff like that however i do think it's important to note that one situation doesn't define a person in this particular situation i may have come out as a spoiled brat but that doesn't make me one in general again nothing i can do about that one since that's what i came here for as for my mental health issues i've been seeing a therapist in trying to work things out with my mom thank you to all of you that shared their own stories i hope you can all get a good homemade meal soon take care everyone sucks here it's understandable why your mom is an a-hole she's not listening to your wishes but for you you tell your mom repeatedly you want to make your own breakfast but what actions have you taken to do so you clearly aren't waking up earlier if you're getting out of the shower five minutes before a test you aren't going into the kitchen to prep something so you're not showing any of your own initiative to make any changes maybe if you got up early enough and went into the kitchen with her she would start seeing a reason to change also you dropping the knife was your own faults and sure it's frustrating but you took out your frustration with the time crunch on your mum not cool edits side notes parents love helping their kids sometimes it's really hard to let go of that she's trying to support you and i get having overbearing parents and it's okay to ask for some boundaries as you get older my parents still come and visit when they fly across the country and try to clean my apartment and do dishes when they're here and i'm 29. it's just what parents do not the a-hole it may seem like a kind didn't consider a gesture on the surface but she is actually putting herself before you repeatedly violating a reasonable boundary like this is not acceptable and it's all about her wanting to feel needed as a mother in some superficial and infantilizing way this isn't really about helping you and the fact that it's done under the guise of a kind gesture makes it difficult to call out there is no reason for you to feel guilty for not eating breakfast that you specifically asked not to have i would refuse to eat her breakfast from now on until she cuts that crap out posted by user complete trade 615 titles am i the a-hole for telling my granddaughter to stop being silly and rude so my 21 year old granddaughter had her wisdom teeth removed yesterday for reasons unknown to me she chose to have a general anaesthetic despite being offered local only since she had general and her mom was unable to stay home with her during the day i took her home to spend the night with me this morning i fed her breakfast and sat at the table with her i tried to engage her in conversation and when she said i need to chew and my throat hurts don't make me talk i told her to stop being surly towards me my husband believes i was too harsh with her and should have left her alone i believe meal time is social time and one needs to be social anytime someone else wishes to socialize she barely ate half of her food after 45 minutes of taking small bites anyway so she didn't do much chewing excuse me miss granny i'm gonna need you to lay off the gas here she's just had surgery she's been under general anesthetic you know surgery isn't the easiest thing to recover from and everyone experiences recovery differently maybe you're a superstar and you never had to have surgery or maybe you have had it and you recovered fast but give her a break she's obviously suffering a little bit you suck for pushing her to do something that she doesn't want to do feel like you should have just recognized that you're the a-hole yes you're the a-hole she literally just had surgery in her mouth and you expect her to be cheery and chipper and willing to talk despite being in pain secondly just because you wish to be social doesn't mean anyone is required to be social with you two things here bother me so fudging much 1. my grandma is that type of person aka i want to talk so you have to listen and talk it's so annoying i'm an extreme introvert and don't like talking also my grandma is very blunt and rude and two when i got my wisdom teeth taken out even with just local anesthetic i could hardly eat for two weeks between the pain and the fact i could only open my jaw a few centimeters i just couldn't i'd sit at the table for an hour before i'd give up and just resort to not eating dude she had a surgery in her mouth leave the girl alone you're the one being rude here not her just because you want to socialize doesn't mean whoever you pick as your victim has to deal with it you're the a-hole you're the a-hole getting your wisdom teeth removed can be extremely painful they had to chisel one of my sister's teeth out of her jaw she was definitely not chatting over breakfast the next day and we as reasonable humans had no problem with that also no one has to be social every time someone else wants to socialize that's not a reasonable expectation posted by user twin throwaway 19 titles am i the a-hole for not wanting to share my birthday with my dead twin anymore my 19th birthday is this friday and i told my mom and dad i don't want to do anything if we're gonna have the birthday for my twin too i was an identical twin and me and my sister were born early and she died a few hours after we were born every single birthday since i was little has also been a birthday for her we go to her grave and put flowers on it and every gift has always had both her and my name on it mom gets really sad and always cries for a long time and i've always felt overshadowed on my birthday the grave visits and flowers all have always been mandatory and i was never allowed to just have friends over or have a party until after we did it i want to go to dinner with my boyfriend for my birthday at his house and then i'm gonna watch movies with my friends mom is upset i'm not making the hour-long drive friday to do the grave ritual and is really sad and my dad is making me feel guilty since i'm their only living daughter and stuff i told my mum i don't want to share my birthday with a sister i never even knew and i'm done with sharing with a ghost since this has been my entire life my parents are really upset and now i feel really bad and maybe i should just suck it up but i am just so sick of it yeah i'm gonna go with not the a-hole for this one this grieving has gone on too long and it's starting to affect you and bleed out way too much into your life impede your social life and is just a general nuisance i would say like we have to let go of the past we do eventually have to give space to those who are still living and let them live their own lives it feels like they still haven't gotten over this baby that's fine but they shouldn't be imposing that on you at all i don't blame you for wanting to get out of that house and not doing that ritual again not the a-hole edits okay so i didn't expect this much attention so i'll try to answer some questions i've gotten a lot of first of all i don't live at home i live on campus which is an hour away from my hometown seconds i don't care if my parents go they can do whatever they want just without me i've hated going to the cemetery since i was like 13 and realized how weird it was but my parents were very my house my rules about going i don't like standing over the grave of a dead baby just to pretend to feel sadder than i do i know it's harder my parents but i just want to have a birthday without being guilted by them my mom gets quiet and cries a little whenever my sister is brought up and it's turned up to 100 on my birthday she died the same days we were born it sucks seeing her like that i love my parents but you can love someone and not like their choices too not the a-hole maybe i would look at this differently if you and your family had actually known your twin but they basically died during birth that is truly awful but you never had any connection to them so sharing a birthday with them is almost a bit morbid like instead of having a fun day with activities you get to choose you get to have a memorial instead that's a bummer and i can understand why you'd want it to stop i know it must be hard on your mother but maybe she should start respecting the feelings of her actual living childs i agree with this so much i try to be understanding when it comes to grief i never lost a child so who am i to judge but putting the dead baby's name on the living one's presence that's just weird it sounds like the mum never processed her grief completely and now she's not grieving she's wallowing that is not healthy for anyone opie you are not the a-hole and i hope you have a very happy birthday i also feel like the family could visit the grave any other day of the year it's not like it has to be on the birth dates they are choosing to make every one of opi's birthdays a sad day for them instead of letting them enjoy it that was my exact thoughts they could celebrate the daughter they have on her birthday and memorialize the one they lost on the following day instead they are choosing to prioritize the lost over the living it's terribly unfair to op the one day literally that should be all about her is instead all about a ghost giving her gifts with the deceased baby's name on them makes opie a mere proxy go reclaim your birthday op find a way that makes you happy because you deserve that her parents should be celebrating the fact that opie survived instead of mourning the one that sadly didn't make it not the a-hole your parents need to move on i'm not saying they shouldn't still be sad on the day but forcing you to share your birthday with a dead sister is unhealthy after 19 years the most utterly unique thing on earth is one's grief your mother lost something unique her own child you did not to force her grief to be shared at this point is selfish you gave her 19 years when do you start living and celebrating without including your sister miserable birthdays are a part of life this year you're going to be minimizing the misery of next year and the year after that this year is probably going to suck on some level since you are feeling guilt to the degree that you are posting here but fang dang dingo is right what's here is forced who needs forced grief your mom should be mature enough to let you live your own life and not have your own grief validated in some way by your solidarity you have your own grief break free posted by user adult 133 titles am i the ahol for not telling my wife the perfume i buy her is what my first wife wore so i was previously married but that marriage ended due to my wife's passing in a lot of ways i've still not come to terms with it but i'm better now and have come a long way from where i was after it happens i try to keep her memory alive with the little things that remind me of her and one of the things i've done since she passed away was always keeping some of her brand of perfume around so i could keep that scent or her scent presents i'm sure that seems kind of creepy but it's not uncommon among other widowers that i know at some points i bought it for my current wife as a gift and asked her to wear it i didn't tell her when i gave it to her that it was the same type my first wife wore but my first wife's friends and families noticed and i asked them not to say anything they didn't but told me they felt that this was not healthy i disagreed because i wasn't forcing her to wear it and it was the only thing like this i did i never asked her to change hairstyles hair colors or the way she dressed so it's not like i was trying to recreate my first wife it wouldn't have worked even if i wanted to do that because they don't look alike which i think proves that what i'm doing isn't unhealthy we've now been married for over a decade and my former sister-in-law finally told my wife about the perfume she thinks that i need to move on and stop living so much in the past and believes that my first wife wouldn't want me hiding something like this from my wife or holding onto her in some of the ways that i am i don't get her concerns she acts like i'm a crazy person but this is the only thing like this i've ever done ever i feel like she's making this into a big issue when it's not my wife was very upset that i never told her about the perfume being my first wife's favorite and it has caused some other issues for one she now wonders if some of the times i was really attracted to her it was just the perfume and me imagining my first wife i've tried reassuring her but she won't listen to what i say she thinks i'm the a-hole for what i did and my wife's family have all said as much in private over the years because of this secret i don't think what i did was that bad i didn't tell her but i never forced her to wear it and i haven't tried to change her she knows i love her and our family and i always thought of this as a harmless tool to help me deal with the past i don't feel like an a-hole but i'm not sure that i can judge myself fairly because i've done this for so long and justified it to myself over the years as a harmless thing that helped me process my feelings everyone seems to think i am wrong so i don't know anymore maybe i was always the a-hole and didn't know it another one to do with grief and dealing with grief seems like an unhealthy habit and i would be creeped out if i was in the wife's shoes too it kind of feels like a memento a throwback to the dead wife that she wasn't in on and it seems somewhat to me perverted that he's done this i would feel that there is an element of perversion if it's my partner obviously different people different folks different strokes but for me personally i'm creeped out i feel like crawling out of my skin that he's done this it's definitely a lie by a mission and he definitely should have filled his wife in i feel like opie is in the wrong for this situation and i hope they can fix it but this is one of those trust breakers i feel you're the a-hole you're the a-hole you kept this from your wife for a reason you knew it was wrong when you did it this yes you're the a-hole opie imagine your current wife had an ex-husband who was her first love but they had to separate on good terms maybe because he had to move away making the relationship long distance and they could no longer carry on their marriage for whatever hypothetical reason then your current wife marries you and decides to ask you to wear the cologne of her first love because it's the one and only way it reminds her of her ex-husband would you not feel kind of weird and icky like she wants you for something else in her life that in essence isn't you especially if she didn't tell you it was his that lack of information and secrecy feels well bad you're the a-hole sorry to say it but your wife should have been told why you gifted her the sense if she chose to wear it that's one thing but you took away that agency because of your own needs that's really not okay if i were the wife i would start wondering did he get me that cute insert clothing because his first wife wore something like it did he suggest that baby name because it was the one his first wife dreamed of naming their future childs did he etc etc i'd be terrified of waking up one day and realizing that he was molding me into a replacement wife number one and i would immediately dispose of that perfume bottle for sure i'm afraid i would be disposing of the husband as well because any trust i ever had for him would be gone to have been deceived like that for as many years as he has done it would be a deal breaker for me i would literally have no problem if he had that scent somewhere that i was not aware of and just every once in a while remember good memories because that's what we do sometimes things trigger a memory and we visit them but to have unknowingly been made the instruments being used to visit those memories no way he didn't tell her because he knew it was not appropriate yup you're the a-hole and no you never forced her to wear that perfume but if you had told the truth she would never wear the perfume in the first place it doesn't matter that this is the only thing you did this isn't a numbers game you tricked your wife into wearing your deceased wife's perfume that is incredibly weird and morbid listen to your wife listen to your friends and family what you did was wrong and you need to take responsibility and acknowledge your wife's feelings in this posted by user throw away 78 000 titles would i be the a-hole if i gave my son a very similar name as my sister-in-law's dead son i'm 25 female and about to have my first baby with my partner it's a boy i've long wished to name my child a certain name let's say that it is tom after my grandfather who basically raised me when my parents dropped the ball the thing is that my sister-in-law lost her baby five years ago let's say that he was named thomas thomas died in his sleep when he was four months old and the whole family was devastated i know that his death still causes them very much pain and i get that they don't want to be reminded of him dying all the time so i asked them if it was okay that i named my son tom since it's a similar name to their son me my husband sister-in-law and her husband had a long and tearful conversation about it where they gave us their blessings however a couple of weeks later i hear that she has been telling her mother and father that i'm being very selfish and inconsiderate and that she couldn't believe that i was doing this to her when i confronted her with this she told me that of course no one would be okay with such a thing and that she hopes i lose my child and see how that feels and let's just say that it escalated to a lot of screaming from the both of us i'm considering just sticking to the name because the whole thing has left me exhausted and it's not the first time she's done something like this but then again she is a grieving woman and this is a difficult matter so reddit would i be the a-hole should i just pick a different name this one's a toss-up between no a-holes here and everyone sucks here but i'm leaning on that everyone sucks here because there's been a lot of deliberate and intentional things said especially the i hope you lose your child so you see how it feels part and i guess the fact that you told them you were going to still name the baby when you know you understood that it's going to hurt their feelings and your entire family is going to be like it's kind of still weird you named the baby that when there was one that died at four months old op do you not see how weird this is i feel like i don't know something i turned my eyes to the side and be like oh that's not oh that's not right i'm i'm kind of judging you for that everyone has done wrong in this situation and i don't know how you guys are going to fix this one if you ever do everyone sucks here [Music] everyone sucks here if it was a long and tearful conversation it means that you are asking them to do something that was really hard for them i think it was really insensitive of you to even consider it to be honest quote she hopes i lose my child and see how that feels if she literally said that she hopes your baby dies that's not okay endo p replies i do agree that i must have missed something considering her reaction afterwards but the tearful part of our conversation was in my perspective because we were talking about little thomas how much they missed him and how scary it is to be a parent i asked if the name tom would remind him too much of thomas but they said that babies always make them think of that and that the name tom wouldn't make it any better or worse i asked if they were certain and that i could give him another name but they said it wasn't necessary most of the conversation was about their loss and how they dealt with it still everyone sucks here any considerate person would know tom or any iteration of it is off the table your sister-in-law will say whatever she wants in front of you and backstab you no matter what a dead child is such a sensitive issue and people go crazy over it you really should have seen this coming right my son was born still and we named him jameson it would be beyond bizarre to me if any of our siblings asked if naming their son james was okay there are an infinite amount of names in the worlds as far as the sister-in-law saying what she said in their fights grief isn't an excuse to say something like that however i'd be interested to hear the actual arguments and what was said both ways you're the a-hole pick another name tom is a nickname of thomas in your example of course it would be painful for the parents of your late nephew you have the option of choosing another name to honor your grandfather so why not use your grandfather's middle name or surname in your baby's name for example if the grandfather was tom adam harris then you can do adam or harris as a first name why is this not in everyone's sexier for her saying that she hopes her baby dies are we just glossing over it because that's not what opie is asking the question is about the name the judgment isn't how we feel about the sister but about the topic she lashed out yes but opie is the a-hole if she uses basically the same name as her sister's deceased child posted by user co-worker throwaway999 titles am i the a-hole for telling my husband he is either married to me or his co-worker so my 37 female husband 40 male has been working at his company for 10 years as a maintenance supervisor about a year ago they hired tabitha to work their accounting departments since the day she first started working there she has had an infatuation with my husband that is now becoming unprofessional and inappropriate this started when the heat went out in our office my husband's job as supervisor is to assign tasks to his employees however she is never satisfied with the work they do even though he says that they do great work so she demands that he works on her office she constantly calls him on his work phone for mundane things carpet is loose in a corner loose screw on her coat hook and he goes and fixes them without issue last year when we went to the company christmas party pre-plague times she was very flirty with him constantly grabbed his hand when he introduced us she just grinned at me and said look there's peter and grabbed his hand and walked away when we sat at the table she damn near pushed me out of my seat to sit next to him and my husband told her to get up and that it was my seat she walked off in a huff and when she saw me in the restroom she shoved past me i told my husband what happened and he said that it was fine that she was harmless i told him that she was not fine and that she clearly had feelings for him and she was acting like a jealous girlfriend the past few weeks this is ramped up to an astonishing level of inappropriate she recently moved into a new house and my husband and some other guys from work helped her move and put things together he gave her his personal cell phone number and she has been calling and texting non-stop about things she needs help with multiple times a day at all hours of the day and night she will call and text him for help last night at 2 am she called about her heat not working right my husband said that he would go over and look after it after work i broke down i told him he was not going that she could call a technician like everyone else and that he is not her personal maintenance man i told him very clearly that she has feelings for him and he is so dense he can't see it i told him that while it's nice to help on occasion she calls him all the time asking for help with things that she can do on her own like move boxes and furniture or paid to have a repair person come and fix i told him that once he gave out his personal phone number that he crossed a line and i'm not comfortable with it he said that this will most likely be an easy fix and it won't take long so i cried and told him that he can either be married to me or married to her but i wasn't going to be a third wheel in my own marriage he says he does not have feelings for her and that i am overreacting to him just wanting to help a friend i feel otherwise am i the a-hole if i were you i'd be just as paranoid in a situation like this it kind of does feel like if not physically he's emotionally cheating on you with this woman and dedicating so much time to helping her out it does seem inappropriate i can't blame you for what you've said in this post i feel like a lot of people would have felt the same way so i'm gonna go with not the a-hole not the a-hole he might be blind to the crush but uh doubtful but you're telling him how aggressively she is treating you and he doesn't seem to care trust your gut hero p i don't think you're on the wrong track with what you're suspecting it always requires a second look when a woman is acting or characterized as crazy one either she is straight up insane two she is also confused just as opie is for instance if you were told by a man that he was leaving his wife for you and then he dismissed you when she came to the christmas party or if you talk on the phone constantly not knowing that he tells his wife he's doing maintenance work for you info opie have you seen his texts and are they definitely about maintenance option one could be the case but consider looking into it snoop work out if he is deleting messages one pretty direct way if things are still murky is to talk to this woman yourself if you're both being lied to it'll be obvious you are not the a-hole hubbs on the other hand is a gray-day died-in-the-wool jackal any man who invalidates his wife's concerns over behavior this blatant is either banging side chick or is it a bare minimum enjoying the attention but doesn't want to admit he's enjoying it either way you're in the right ear and if he doesn't willingly shove this woman off you will have some decision making to do or he is 100 enjoying it no doubts no one can be that blind opie is definitely not the a-hole posted by user phototivity titled am i the a-hole for telling a woman i don't care she has breast cancer some backgrounds i work in a very tiny chain retail that sells bras and underwear we barely have business maybe two to four customers every hour so we try to help people as much as possible since we're able to this story happened literally 20 minutes ago lady walks in i'll call her cl for crazy lady for shorts and immediately comes up to me as my manager is on break and says i need help now crazy lady says absolutely i see back what are you looking for i have breast cancer and i'm starting radiation soon so i need a comfortable supportive bra to wear that won't irritate me i walk her over to the brands that i show every woman in the same situation she hates those i show her another section she hates those i try to ask what in particular she hates about each bra and she doesn't have an answer and insists i show her more so i continue to point out different bras offering various reasons why that one would work eventually she goes this is fudging ridiculous you clearly don't know your crap bring your other co-worker out because you obviously don't know crap no wonder you work retail i immediately started laughing but blurred out excuse me in between giggles she then gets angry and says oh so now you're laughing at me because i have breast cancer real nice at this point my manager comes out and cl proceeds to say how i refuse to help that customer and i laughed in her face and that i made fun of her for having breast cancer cl then makes the difficult decision to tell the manager i should be fired oh so sad and of course she wants a discount by manager not wanting a scene goes to the back to grab a 10 coupon code just to appease the situation in the meantime crazy lady looks at me all smug and goes i really hope you can survive in this world without asking 10 an hour so here is where i may have been the a-hole i go you really think i give an f about this job i work here once a week on the weekend to help my manager while i have my full-time monday to friday job working here to help ape craps like you who have no respect for others is the least of my worries have breast cancer all you want you're going to die a stuck up [ __ ] one way or another if you keep treating people like this crazy lady instantly starts crying and runs out of the store after telling me she's calling corporates my manager walks out asks where crazy lady went and i tell her everything she knows i work to help her out and that i give no craps about the store so she understands but then says i was way too harsh on her and you'll have to look into this now so am i the a-hole i guess you're a little bit of an a-hole in some regards that you're not supposed to be doing that to people in retail it does not reflect well on you as a person you're a job and you are you know supporting a business calling someone a stuck up [ __ ] is kind of trashy saying have breast cancer all you want kind of trashy yes she did you wrong but you didn't have to go that far and she's obviously a piece of dirt for saying what she said there's no excuses for that i think both of you are just being bratty in this situation and i think you need to take a chill pill uh everyone sucks here everyone sucks here the customer is not always right we know this she was horrible and she'll likely always be horrible one interaction will not change that but it sounds like you have self-awareness and you didn't have to stoop to her level edit to add while it feels good in the moment to put people in their place when they deserve it as much as this crazy lady does it can do more harm than good to the wrong people that type of person will likely call corporates and when she shares how horrible she was treated because she has cancer that's what she'll say likely with waterworks it will blow back on your manager the crazy lady will likely get a larger discount and feel vindicated not bad for her behavior something like i've helped multiple people with breast cancer maternity and other types of bras since you have no idea what to get maybe take my advice since i've done this before would have been a lot better than you're gonna die a stuck up [ __ ] especially since most people associate cancer with death ah everyone sucks here i work at a small retail store and we have an employee or two or all of them who are working there more or less to just help out every day we deal with crazy lady customers it's unfortunately part of the job we had one crazy lady last month who was unreasonably unhappy with their services and got her friends to help her leave 20 negative reviews that is still up after weeks our rating tanked from 4.9 to 3.8 overnight it's terribly terribly not worth it to treat a disrespectful customer with anything but respect especially if you were doing it to help the store if i was the manager i would ask you to reconsider if you want to continue helping alright i think that's where i'm going to end today's video guys i do hope you enjoyed it as always i want to do a huge shout out to all my channel members and patreon subscribers you should be up on the screen now i love you all and i think every single one of you are amazing for supporting the channel in the way that you do again thank you so much for supporting me and again if you did enjoy today's video please do tell me what you thought of it down in the comments below all of your hot takes opinions whatever you think really whatever's going on in your life right now i'd love to hear down in the comments below before i leave i'd also like to announce that i'm going to start doing meme content again on the second channel i know it's been a while so click on the marquee head on the screen without the australian flag behind him if you want to go see some memes and as always guys have a good day night sleep whatever you're up to and i'll see you in the next one bye

Channel: Markee

Views: 60,409

Rating: 4.8884172 out of 5

Keywords: aita, amitheasshole, r/aita, r/amitheasshole, aita reddit, markee, markee reddit, markee aita, markee amitheasshole

Id: Mfr23nScQk4

Length: 190min 0sec (11400 seconds)

Published: Thu Jan 14 2021