r/AmiTheA**Hole (Update) For Telling My Girlfriend I'll Kick Her Out If She Doesn't Get Help?

good day there guys do you like am i the a-hole cause i like am i the a-hole let's go it's your main man marky and welcome back to another episode of r slash can you guess it am i the a-hole now i want you to sit back relax chuck a prawn on the barbie and enjoy today's bloody good content thank you our first post today is by user panic boyfriend titled am i the a-hole for telling my girlfriend i will literally kick her out if she won't see a doctor i'm honestly out of ideas for how to help my girlfriend and so maybe i was too harsh today but i'm losing my mind over this situation she definitely has a medical issue of some kind she goes to the walk-ins sometimes but they won't do anything long-term that needs monitoring so she needs a family doctor and she's been on a list for over a year and she does call around occasionally to family doctors but has not had any luck but i don't think she's taking her health seriously at all and i offer to take her to the er sometimes because seriously she might die or something and i want this addressed as soon as possible she is thin and small she doesn't teach much but partly and i can confirm because she often throws up after having just a few bites of a meal and then feels sick for a while that kind of knocks her out of the day for a few hours so she just takes vitamins and occasionally drinks onsi or ensure i don't know how to say that the kind of drink targeted at old people to keep up calories but she's only 23. and she's weirdly fine with this and says she's always kind of been this way which isn't true because we started dating two years ago and i definitely saw her eat normally at some times in the past she wakes up in the middle of the night to be sick in the bathroom sometimes in the middle of the day she goes from totally coherence to looking like a drunk person in less than like five minutes and i literally have to force her to drink some juice or something i'm not a doctor but i know she needs one like yesterday i'm not even comfortable with letting her drive anymore because of how spacey she can get out of nowhere she keeps saying she's on a list and will get a doctor eventually but i think seriously this is bad and i know i'm nagging but it's kind of scary and i don't know what to do at all today she got really weak and confused and forgot about lots of things that we were talking about just this morning and i said i kind of want to call an ambulance and she told me she's fine and would be mad if i did that and i'm so upset i said like if you're trying to kill yourself i can't be with you to watch and seriously you have to do something or else move out because i can't do this anymore you have to get healthy or get out she's okay physically now but incredibly angry with me for being insensitive about symptoms she can't help but i know she can't help it and that's why i want her to go to the hospital because what if she has some kind of disease that can use medicine or something i really don't know i know medical info is super personal but i live with her and see this problem every day and it's really scary so i kind of think it's my problem too but maybe i'm overstepping i really don't know is it an a-hole thing to push people on medical topics like this maybe i should call her mom who's in another city but not far but that also feels kind of dickish and i don't know how to act right here i think it's fair that you want her to get a doctor's help i'm not sure if kicking her out is the best thing to do but i can understand your decision and i can stand by it i guess if you feel like you have no other options it really does from the outside in seem like a serious situation that's only going to get worse with time and her not going to a doctor is a cause for concern i don't really have much to add or say on this one because i have no experience in situations like this and i do hope that we're able to come to a good conclusion for this one but for how you've gone about it i don't think you've been too dickish and i think calling her mum is a good idea i'm gonna go with not the a-hole [Music] edits thank you all so much for your stories and encouragement on this situation it helped me realize that it's worth acting even if it would make me an a-hole we messaged her sister really late last night girlfriend said it was okay to do but i'm the one who messaged and she was still actually awake and said that she has the weekend off and could come stay with us for two days and help if she can and she got here a few hours ago she's been really kind to me honestly like trying to take care of me and telling me to go sit down and she made me food and i'm overwhelmed she had a private conversation with my girlfriends and when they came out they said they're going to go to the er and her sister is somehow doing all of this so easily where i couldn't and they're at the hospital now and i'm not but i think that makes sense because she seems to listen to her sister a lot easier than me and it's probably best and i think i'm just exhausted or something i've never been so stressed in my life but i'm so thankful to her sister who seems to know exactly what to say to make everything work edit again for anyone curious her sister called me and i guess my girlfriend is more than one ulcers in her stomach and there could be a reason for it so they're still at the hospital to try to see why she has them she had a scope thing and also a biopsy and that's all i know so far not the a-hole she definitely needs to see a doctor that isn't normal however telling her you would kick her out might be a bit insensitive but she really needs to see a doctor and opie replies i don't really want to kick her out right now but i am questioning the relationship i don't know why i even said that and it's why i'm probably an a-hole i'm just feeling so lost that i said any words that came into my head at the moment just trying to push her to do something because she isn't accepting your help part of which is a place to live then it is right for your own survival and mental health for you to tell her to find somewhere else to live not the a-hole you should be questioning this relationship she isn't taking care of herself but demands you cater to her needs which is impossible you're not a doctor look you also can't ignore the emotional and mental toll this has on you too you're literally seeing someone you love wither away to the point of suffering memory lapse and they refuse to seek help this is forcing you to continue to live in the fear of losing her in the worst possible ways you can imagine while her body her decision she has no right to cause you such anxiety and continue on her merry way expecting you to be happy i'm sorry if i'm coming off a bit harsh towards her but i've been in your place with a dear family member who refused to get help i feared for them as much as i loved them and it wrecked me their own self-destructive behavior was destroying me too i tried to help in every way i could think of and at the end i had to use an ultimatum to drill into their heads that it wasn't okay i left they found out they had cancer eight months later can you imagine the horrible taste this left my mouth as i tried to support them can you imagine what would have happened to my mental health for those eight months before they decided to check it out no one has the right to ask you to watch them die if they are willingly doing that without seeking help or at least to find out what's happening then in my book that's abuse purple one asks does she have an eating disorder endop replies i don't know really i don't think so though she seems to try to maintain her weight with supplements like calories and protein drinks and stuff like that but as i've said it's sort of weird and i don't really know what's going on so i want to go to a doctor maybe even together if she will ever agree to it it could also be irritable bowel syndrome or an ibd like crohn's ulcerative colitis that can make you lose weight have stomach upset feel ill be malnourished or not want to eat etc my ex with diagnosed crohn's drank so many insurers when he was in a flare up so many and our last comment by wrench 48 says i was so concerned with my wife's health that i demanded she see a doctor she continued to refuse finally i told her that if she didn't see a doc i'd divorce her that's your choice she replied i divorced her a year later she was dead turns out she was an alcoholic and didn't want to be outed she traded her marriage and her life for all this it's not rational but if they don't want to go you cannot make them go prepare yourself and now on to the update in summary my girlfriend was constantly sick dizzy and confused i was getting angry at her about it because she refused to get help and it caused us to fight it's been a long time since that post but i received so much support and kindness from it that i wanted to give an update to anyone who may like to know what happened in the end after many days and long nights in the er with referral promises that never came to be my girlfriend finally got a referral to some kind of diagnostic clinic that works with difficult problems the early hospital visits were enough to know that she had ulcers but she was still sick even after they were seemingly healed so they did more tests and more er visits sometimes all they could do was hydrate her she is constantly dehydrated and tell her she needs to take stronger vitamins because she's always mildly deficient in a few the diagnostic clinic ran an f ton of blood tests looking for every possible thing like three blood tests a week she must have been screened for every disease in existence they found some mild liver dysfunction sorry if i report this incorrectly but she doesn't process bilirubin correctly as far as i understand it and that is an important liver thing after that they still tested her for every gastro and liver disease under the sun and it looks like she has a genetic thing that sometimes but not always causes stomach pain and puking they basically told her that it sucks but isn't life threatening and all she can do is avoid putting stress on the body so she has actually gotten much better at sleeping regular hours and not pushing herself physically and trying to drink enough water or gatorade which she now claims to be superior to water but whatever it seems to work she still throws up suddenly if she gets stressed out but it's much less frequent and for at least two months hasn't been getting randomly confused so that's a good sign she says now that she has an answer it's easier to handle and i'm not really pushing past that because it seems to be working she isn't angry with me anymore and said i wasn't wrong to be upset and she apologized for being difficult but she said she was initially overwhelmed with never getting answers and never knowing how to eat or act to make a difference so she never tried she seems embarrassed about it now we had a lot of conversations about how to deal with health issues in the future and i also apologized and said i'd really try not to lose my temper if she gets sick again but it will be easier if we talk about it sooner i think we're on the same page now and things are way better than before she even saw the original post and said that the comments helped her realize that this was actually scary to other people where she didn't think it was noticeable to others at first she still said that i was too harsh to lash out at her as some of you mentioned and i'd agree the compromise was to talk about things more often so neither of us has to feel like worry is building up over time thanks to everyone who reached out after the first post with thoughtful responses it meant a lot and we might not be totally there yet but we're making good progress and in the comments neckygirl19 says glad you updated it sucks but it happens in high school everyone was convinced i had an eating disorder because i rarely ate in front of people because i would get sick when i ate i had ulcers still do when i get extremely stressed i can't eat or if i overeat i get sick well i don't know that it gets better you find out what you can deal with and don't at least for me endo p replies yeah she seems to just know a bit as well there are times she says i can't eat right now i think i need a few hours and i will eat at night and i used to argue but also she's usually right and gets sick if she eats when she feels like she can't sometimes not though it's confusing and weird from my perspective but as long as she's trying to be healthy i'm happy and i can let her figure out what works to her nickygirl19 replies i promise it's not like she wants to do it it honestly sucks throwing up every time you eat i did it for a year still not sure how i survived it really became better to not eat which i seriously get another reply says a fair number of chronic illnesses are actually pretty hard to diagnose there isn't one specific test or image that can diagnose a lot of things it can be really hard and depressing to be ill and keep going to doctors and getting tests and getting no answers so i have a lot of empathy for your girlfriend's situation i have multiple chronic conditions and it took almost five years to get diagnosed and get in a drug and lifestyle regime that works i'm glad she's doing better one thing that might help her or her doctors in the future if she's up for it is to track her symptoms i use a bullet journal to track my symptoms into what i eat it helps nail down triggers there are a ton of apps too and our last comment by twirlingbobby says sounds a lot like cluster headache i've been in her shoes they couldn't find a thing they kept asking me if i was pregnant and years later i met someone with similar symptoms going through the same horrible process she had cluster headaches literally only having extra oxygen helps with her sometimes doctors can't really find what it is and opie replies yeah it seems that way finding answers is harder than i expected the vague conclusion we have about what's going on is helpful but not really like definitive this new fancy clinic was really fast and helpful though and they have her as a patient now and told her to come back anytime if things get bad again so it's nice to know we at least have that option open yeah i guess me personally i have nothing else to add to this and i feel like the comments summarize this pretty well i know a lot of people especially people down in my comments do suffer from chronic illnesses and i see those comments and i feel bad because it's like i don't i can't do anything personally besides helping myself through the stories and giving you an escape from reality for a bit and that's kind of the point of the channel it's just you know step away from things for a while i do hope personally that op's girlfriend is able to find help through these clinics as that was an awful thing that they were going through and i'm sure it will continue to happen and i hope they're able to find solace in some way our next post is by user shannon e3 titled would i be the a-hole for confronting my dad about shady bank account activity so my parents got divorced a couple years back my dad had been pretty involved with prostitutes and blew thousands of dollars of family money on this habit the divorce started out pretty amicable but when my dad started to realize he was going to lose a lot of his money he wanted to cut my brother and die off of his health insurance plan take away college money etc i was 21 at the time and my brother 19. my dad was also pretty intensely cyber-stalking and physically stalking my mum once she had started to move on he put a tracker on her car and a key logger on her computer all of these things we changed all of her passwords and then the next day she was locked out of her accounts because my dad had changed them all back it took lawyers getting involved because of this harassment to get insurance details righted college money restored and to get reparations paid back to my mum for all of the prostitute money that he used i contemplated cutting him out of my life back then but i just felt terribly guilty about all of it even though my brother cut off communications fast forward to now and my dad and i have somewhat of a relationship it's improved a lot since the divorce years even though i've caught him in a lot of lies and shady behavior still however i recently got married back in may and my husband and i found out we're expecting a baby due in april we've been working towards merging our finances when i get this notification from my bank that the contact phone number on my account had just been changed to my dad's phone number i just feel so sick i know he was the one that put that number on my account which means he's probably yet again doing something shady to access my account i told my brother about it and he's livid and ready to confront my dad and i think i am too i called my bank about the phone number change and while they won't give me the ip dress the change was made from they can confirm it was done from a verified login and it was not myself or my husband so would i be the a-hole for confronting my dad and possibly cutting off contact i'm so sick of being locked out of accounts having my private information screwed with and at this point i don't want my future child and family having to deal with all of this harassment and stalking kind of weird that you have to question this one i don't know why you think you'd be an a-hole for that this guy is obviously breaking the law and destroying whatever relationship he has with you how is you cutting off contact with him and shutting him down a a-hole thing to do i'm kind of completely lost for words on this one i don't know how you've convinced yourself of that but anyway here's a reassurance i would go with not the a-hole i feel like i don't need to explain anymore why that would be in the comments not sorry miss jackson ooh says not the a-hole in the slightest change banks if you can if you can't close that account and open a new one he may already have the account number and that's a problem talk to the bank and see what other security options they offer rather than phone numbers for two-step verification email a one-word password if you use email create one for that specific purpose of identifying yourself and don't use it for anything else there is no reason for him to be accessing or trying to access your accounts you're an adult and what he is doing is trying to steal or do some other shady crap and honestly you shouldn't feel guilty if you want to seize all communication he has burned those bridges i live by the fact that you don't have to keep anyone in your life who treats you like crap blood or not a friend of mine teaches a cyber security class something to keep in mind is that your dad knows a lot of your security questions first pet cousin's names favorite whatever so either pick a security question he doesn't know the answers to or answer with fake info that you can remember like if the question is your middle school and you were a fan of the babysitter's club use stony brook middle school or have a formula like using the last word of the question then the answer then a phrase that you add to the end of all your questions that means someone not only needs the answer but the formula and op replies yes i actually did this i set up a new bank account to start transferring my money over and i used fake answers for all of the security questions since i realized he would know all of my answers please be aware he may be actively monitoring your communication such as email or even telephone without your knowledge trust nothing question everything maximus is king says not the a-hole you need to go no contact you need to do an audit of your passwords and codes because clearly there is a pattern if he's able to get access change keywords from things he'd know like your mother's maiden name explain to the bank why you want this done you can even give numbers you want flagged in your account if they try to access it make sure you get a copy of your credit reports he knows your personal info like date of birth social security etc and could be making credit cards in your name protect yourself proactively not reactively because your father has shown he does not care op replies really good advice thank you i didn't even think about him making credit cards in my name i wish social security numbers were something you could get changed easily i've opened a new bank account with a different bank and i'm in the process of getting all of my money moved over i felt so paranoid doing this but i created fake answers to all of the security questions because i realized my dad would know the answer to virtually anything i pick good job i want to add freeze your credit it's not hard for you to do or undo sorry for all of this crap if only your dad wasn't a major jerk you are not the a-hole if you want to remove yourself from him like your brother did endo p replies i didn't think about that either that's a really smart idea especially since going no contact will probably really piss him off and now on to the update so i got a lot of great advice from this sub and i wanted to thank everyone who took the time to respond i ended up taking my computer into geek squad and they did find a keylogger on it they removed the keylogger and i spent some time picking a few files that i felt were safe to save and wiped my hard drive i'm set up now with a new bank account that has fake security question answers that are written down on a piece of paper and filed away now that my hard drive is wiped i've also changed passwords on every account and set up two-factor authentication on every account where that is possible many of you advised against having a conversation with my father but my brother and i ultimately decided that for the sake of our own closure it was something that we needed he of course denied everything and while the conversation was frustrating to say the least it also gave me the permission i needed to let go of him and go no contact we've contacted the authorities about the bank account change and we're in the process of opening an investigation we made that clear to my father in the conversation as well to hopefully dissuade any further intrusion attempts my hard drive is clean i've blocked his email address and phone number and have deleted all old emails that could contain downloadable files and malware this is going to be a long road in feeling like we're safe but i think i'm finally heading in the right direction thanks again for everyone who commented on the original post all of the advice was so so helpful and lotus floyer01 replies i'm glad you were able to get this under control i would recommend you put a lock on your kids credit information it sounds like your father might be the type to take out credits in grandkids names yes i will definitely be doing this our first baby is still five-ish months away from being born but once they are i'll make sure that all gets frozen it's good that you're working on freezing but as a victim of identity theft multiple times myself criminals not family for me i have a couple of additional suggestions that i've come across create an online account with both the irs and social security administration for you and your spouse this will be complicated by the freeze that you have on your credit so it will take a while since your credit is frozen they will send a confirmation code via us mail to the last known address from your last tax return once you get that code you can complete account setup with the irs accounts you can get transcripts of the prior year tax returns with the ssa accounts you can sign up for benefits including disability you don't want your father being able to do either of those things in addition to the freezes in place at transunion equifax and experian add check systems to the list of agencies where you have a freeze they are often used in association with banking like checking and savings accounts if you haven't yet get at least one copy of your credit report from the free annual credit report websites due to the pandemic they are offering free weekly reports through april 2021 so don't wait look for anything you're unfamiliar with but understand that some accounts don't show up the way you expect for example from when i had one a home depot charge card used to show up as cbna thd if an account does not look familiar the report should have enough information that you can track down the company that extended the credits and get more information good luck hascap 2010 asks why why why do some parents do this sort of thing do they think their adult children will just meekly go along with it do they want to lose all respect in contact with their children and grandchildren and dopey replies i have no clue why my dad is so narcissistic and definitely plays a lot of control games on some level i feel like he thought he wouldn't be caught and wouldn't be held accountable it's really sad how it's all played out but he won't ever get to meet his grandchildren now hopefully this will teach him some kind of life lesson that you can't go invading people's privacy like this i'm not sure if you have social media but make sure to never post pictures of this child or any future children yeah we've been going back and forth on that one i've blocked my dad on all social media and i have my instagram privates and my facebook set so you can only view my profile and cover photos i feel like we'd be safe to post pictures in that case but maybe it still isn't definitely something we need to look more into and our last comment by cheerily terrified says i'm glad it's worked out as much as it can be if going to see your father one more time was the right move for you then it was the right move for you and well done for actually going to the authorities that's really brave and a positive step yeah it was definitely scary reaching out to the authorities but i'm glad i did it for sure they've been so helpful and it makes me feel one step closer to my father not being able to pull this again i have to ask how did he get access to your computer to put the key logger on that concerns me he was the one who originally bought the computer for me it's five years old and i got it when i was still living at home and before my parents were separated unreal not that i'm ever glad to hear about a person like this but i'm glad you're safe do you have cameras for outside of your house we did end up getting those camera doorbells installed on both the front and back doors he's never been violent before but we definitely didn't want to take chances either he sounds like the kind of person to go through your garbage not get violent well i think that's where i'm going to end today's episode guys i do hope you enjoyed and i'd love to know your opinions on these ones today as always i do hope you've had a good day night sleep whatever you're up to and i'll see you in the next episode bye

Channel: Markee

Views: 30,733

Rating: 4.9552135 out of 5

Keywords: aita, amitheasshole, r/aita, r/amitheasshole, aita reddit, markee, markee reddit, markee aita, markee amitheasshole

Id: 24W0FHuV7Zg

Length: 29min 22sec (1762 seconds)

Published: Fri Jan 08 2021