r/AmiTheA**Hole For Telling My Ex I Refuse To Share Custody Of My Daughter?

g'day there guys i would give my life to whoever puts an extra mcnugget in my six-piece nugget meal welcome back to another episode of a slash am i the a-hole it's your host marky i hope you enjoy your stay here today smash that like button sit back relax and enjoy the show thank you posted by user reindeer legg titled am i the a-hole for telling my ex i refuse to share custody of our daughter so my ex and i have an incredibly long history we met when i was 18 and he was 19. he was my first love and we dated for about a year but after the breakup we continued an often not again friends with benefits relationship until i turned 23 which was also the same time i found out i was pregnant he was going to school to be a doctor and he was in his second year of getting his doctorates when i found out he was also studying in another state that was on the other side of the country i got pregnant during one of his visits back home when i found out i was pregnant i told him immediately he was very very angry and asked what i was going to do about it i told him i'd be keeping it and he told me he wanted no part of the child's life because it was going to ruin everything for him i told him that wasn't an option i myself grew up with my birth father jumping in and out of the picture and it's a big stem of my mental illnesses now these are all things that he knew after begging him to be in the baby's life throughout almost my entire pregnancy one day he and his parents called me and offered me a deal they offered to pay me a very hefty child supports until the day the child turned 18 if i never forced him to be a real father his parents who were very wealthy promised to take care of everything at first i said no i refused and called them all a-holes and told them my baby was going to have a dad but after talking to many of my friends and father they thought at best i take the offer they told me there was no use in forcing him to be a crappy dad to my baby i finally agreed about eight months into my pregnancy i took sole custody of course it's been seven years and i had a beautiful baby girl that i love more than anything on earth every single month i get a check and not once has it ever been late i haven't seen or talked to my ex since the day he handed me the first check until about a week ago i get a call and it's my ex he tells me he wants to take joint custody of our daughter the daughter he has never met in his or her life ever i was infuriated and told him no he told me i can't just say no because he's going to take me to court where a judge will decide i was crying and screaming and asking why he was doing this he told me he was sorry but he's ready to be a father and he wants to be there for our daughter when i told him i was going to fight him with every fiber of my being to make sure he got nothing he told me i was being ridiculous and i need to grow up i've told my family and friends and almost all of them have told me i need to give him a chance and that i'm just being a bear the only person that agrees with me is my mother who watched me get torn apart by my father's constant jumping in and out of my life when i was a child i know that this is going to be a hard fight and ultimately it is the court's decision but i just feel like i need to fight this am i the a-hole for being so against him getting any custody edits for all the people that are confused about age we met in late teens got pregnant when i was 23 and he was 24. i'm 30 now and he is 31. i'm gonna go with not the a-hole he's studying to be a doctor and part of that is you know intentionally not doing harm to anyone he knows your history with your father he knows the damage it caused you he knows the mental illness and the constant toll it takes on you and yet six years on he's now ready to be back in this girl's life there is no guarantee that he's not going to do what your father did and do the same kind of damage to your daughter he burned you once when he refused to be a part of the baby's life and now that the baby's grown up he's like oh i'm ready to be a father in my opinion he's absolutely not ready to be a father he threw that away ages ago but obviously it's up to the courts um how they want to go about this one i don't think you're an a-hole for fighting this i honestly feel like he had his chance and he blew it six years old his formative years for a child you don't want to be disrupting them early on like you got disrupted he had enough wealth and backing by his parents at 24 to move and be a part of this child's life and still do what he wanted to be doing but he was greedy then and this is the price he pays a lengthy court battle i don't think you're the a-hole and you wouldn't be the a-hole for continuing edit two for all the people that are saying i'm the a-hole for not getting an abortion thanks but i remember asking if i was an ass for telling my ex i'll fight him over custody please stop telling me i should have aborted my seven-year-old daughter it's very much too late and i never asked for your opinion on that matter not the a-hole i'm not a lawyer but i doubt he has much chance of getting custody when he's never even met his seven-year-olds i do find it strange that you insisted for eight months that your baby was gonna have a dad even though he clearly didn't want the child and that you were willing to take the money from his parents instead of asking for child support from the father if the family is rich in providing for their son it sounds for me like child support with extra steps maybe she was afraid of raising a child by her own maybe she didn't want her child to have no relationship with the father whatever her reasons were you may find it strange but i think her behavior was due to a difficult situation that tore her from pro to contra or maybe i'm wrong also not the a-hole for op if she would have asked for child support that would have meant that she accepted joint custody in the first place and took him to court for child support this way she's better off she has sole custody and proof that the father's family pays her monthly to avoid bothering their child the father with such duties there's no way a judge will rule against her unless the father's family pays the judge off op says they offered me the money i think three or four months into my pregnancy i said no at first because i thought he'd come around he wasn't and everyone was telling me to take the deal so i just did he was completely financially dependent on them at the time you should fight tooth and nail but it's going to be a long court battle and he may end up with some custody everyone should be able to meet their parents if they want but this is a complete stranger who she may end up forced to live with if the kid is 7 and has literally never met her dad no judge would give him custody at least not without a lengthy reintroduction period with graduated access it would be traumatic to the child to drop this on her now and judges don't give a crap what the parents want it's about what's best for the child not the a-hole but it really doesn't matter what we think here you need a lawyer yesterday and you can refuse to share custody and he can fight you you might win you might lose i highly doubt a court will refuse to grant him any contacts it's doubtful that they'd start off with joint custody but they might start with supervised visitation with the option to work towards partial custody courts often consider it in the interest of the child to have both parents in their lives op you need to do everything you can to look like the more reasonable and responsible parent here schedule some extra sessions with your therapist schedule an appointment for your daughter and prepare your family for some kind of contact tell your ex it isn't going to start with joint custody when he has never met the child but give him an opportunity to meet the childs how have you explained him to her so far [Music] updates hey guys so i wanted to give an update since some of you are very kind and worried for me and my daughter so i made a very hard decision after many people's advice and opinions i decided to ask my daughter what she wanted after a very hard and long conversation with my daughter she did tell me she would like to meet him i don't want to say much more about that can't lie it hurt my heart but i remember being that excited every time my mother told me about my father i called him and asked him if he would meet me for coffee he told me he thought that would be great and we set it up seeing my ex again was incredibly hard after a very very long talk we decided that if we could both be civil adults we could stay out of court i decided to let him know that i think he should pay for therapy for them both and he agreed that would be a smart decision they have an appointment in two weeks and my daughter is excited i've also made it clear that there are no second chances after this i'm not going to say i'm not nervous about this whole situation i'm actually very scared for my daughter i want what's best for my daughter and that's it i'm trying very hard to remember the man my ex was for me though he was my best friend and rock for five years and i only hope he can be that for my daughter now thanks for the many kind words from many different redditors you gave me the courage and reassurance that i could handle this and many others gave me healthy advice for my daughter's future relationship with her father thanks again to the kind comments and advice edits so i'm seeing a lot of people say i need to legalize his visitation and stuff but i need to know he can be a father first before doing this when i say stay out of courts i mean we won't be having a long nasty custody dispute we will talk to our lawyers when we cross that bridge mushroom princess 63 says one of the hardest parts of being a parent is stepping back and laying down our own ego in the best interest of the kids that is what you've done here it shows that you're a fantastic mother who has the ability to realize your daughter's feelings should not be discounted just because she's a child good job your daughter has a strong future with you on her side incredibly difficult decision op good on you for putting your own feelings aside and involving your daughter in the decision i'm so glad you went that route i've seen kids despise the parents who have kept them away even though the other parent was the one that took off hopefully things will work out for all involved echoing the other comments that staying out of court seems like it would cause less drama and stress but it often ends up leading to blood boundaries and one parent overstepping the other or even going completely against the wishes of the other parents custody agreements are there to protect the child frankly you may have known this person years ago but you don't know him now he is for all intents and purposes a stranger to you both don't shoot yourself in the foot here i'm not saying that he's a bad guy or anything but i am saying that with harsh lines and boundaries drawn there is more protection for your child's agreements can always be adjusted down the road they are not completely set in stone so things can change as you and your daughter both get to know and trust this person as time goes on posted by user throwaway 666-420-12345 titled am i the a-hole for not adhering to the wedding dress code so my sister is getting married in about a week outside by a lake both the wedding and the reception she's very particular borderline bridezilla but she's always been that way our whole life so i expected nothing less she requested every female attending the wedding wear a specific style of dress long black dress i guess is not to take any attention away from her i however am very pregnant due august 13th pregnant and can't imagine anyone being comfortable in a thick long-sleeve black dress in the middle of summer let alone a 38 year old pregnant woman i asked my sister directly if i could adjust the dress a little bit make it not as long and short as sleeves and she freaked out told me i couldn't change the rules because then she'd have to do it for everyone i told her i wouldn't subject myself to heat stroke and she's putting people in danger by forcing them to wear black long sleeves outside in the summer my mother told me i was being ridiculous and i should just suck it up but i think my sister is the ridiculous one i'm thinking of just wearing a nice black dress that i can be somewhat comfortable in or not even going would i be the a-hole if i didn't adhere to my sister's strict wedding dress code i mean i think it genuinely puts you at risk doesn't it for a heat stroke even more so with you being pregnant if it's as serious a health risk as i think it is i don't think you could be blamed for wanting to change up the dress code a little bit it's for your own safety and for the baby's safety and if she refuses to accept that and she can't accept it that's kind of too bad because your safety goes over her ego and feelings so no you're not the a-hole and i don't think you would be the a-hole i don't want to say you'd be the a-hole your sister is being ridiculous but i just wouldn't go if she's being that way no need to show up and cause a scene if that's what will happen i don't think purposefully going against her rules is right unless she agrees i agree i mean i assume this dress code was known a long time ago op should have brought this up at the time or when she knew it was not not right before the wedding the style of the wedding is up to the bride and since this is a last minute request then op should just not go or stay inside op says the dress code was sent out about a month ago so this has been an ongoing issue but at the time she just said she'd prefer everyone wear black which is fine i mean she's absolutely being a bridezilla and unreasonable but it's still her wedding you shouldn't do anything that's going to upset her let her know you can either come in a comfortable dress or not at all and leave the decision up to her sorry you are dealing with this she's making every single woman attending where the same style of dress that's super insane how many people are attending this wedding i can only imagine what it will look like pretty creepy i think do the men have to wear the same style and color suits so so weird not the a-hole but good luck dealing with the crazy lady it's gonna look like a funeral it just might be for the groom speaking up as a female but seriously the groom should just ditch this bride at the altar at least the old black will be a nice tie-in to her mourning the death of her relationship updates so i posted about a month ago about my sister requesting i wear a long-sleeve ankle-length black dress to her lakeside wedding in summer while being 9 months pregnant and i've gotten many requests to updates well i ended up having my baby like three days after making the post so i was in the hospital when the wedding happened so i didn't go my sister was there when i pushed her out and apologized for being a bridezilla so all is well and i have a cute baby sorry that was an anticlimactic updates but i give the people what they want eta sorry guys no baby tax i'm not comfortable posting photos on a public forum especially with some creeps and a-holes on here wow i'm an idiot i should absolutely update what happened at the wedding sorry i got that mummy brain she still wanted everyone to wear black but she did go lax on style so like kind of a redemption arc the photos look nice if not a little dreary she thought black would make things look classy she looked beautiful though so mission accomplished so every female had to wear a long sleeve long skirt black dress to a wedding in the middle of summer i know you weren't there but how many people actually adhered to that rule don't count on the women to not adhere to that rule i was at the arboretum in dallas on memorial day weekends and it was so hot and humid that i almost gulped down a whole bottle of ice cold water without stopping there were still men getting married in black tuxedos the arboretum is my favorite place to go in dallas it's so beautiful rear rounds makes sense that it would be a popular wedding spot i bet that was the creepiest looking wedding toss up between creepy as in the addams family and creepy as in everybody being red and blotchy and sweaty and trying not to pass out that being said an intentional goth wedding would be pretty great provided it's either indoors or seasonally feasible like the guests all in black and the bride in a red gown that'd be sick as hell i ibyflo says seems like your kids saved the day lamell i may have done everything i could to go into labor before this wedding by user titles am i the a-hole for being upset that my son didn't tell me he is gay so i have a 19-year-old son jack i had him very young me and his mom married at twenty i was an alcoholic when jack was growing up and when he was eight i had an affair with another woman and had another son darren me and jack's mom got a divorce this kind of forced me to sober up and i've been sober for 11 years now i moved about 6 hours away to raise darren and i married darren's mother me and jack's mom aren't on the best of terms and i saw jack a few times a year although i would always send him money i was up to visit jack's uncle we've always been buddies and he asked me how jack's boyfriend was doing i asked him what he meant and he just repeated that he saw some pictures of jack and his boyfriend and he was wondering how they were doing i mumbled some excuse that they were fine and left shortly after as soon as i got in my car i called jack i told him what his uncle told me and i was pretty upset that he thought he couldn't confide in me jack started to cry and basically started ranting about how i abandoned him and his mum when he was young and how i've always preferred darren to him and that's why he didn't tell me because he feels like he doesn't matter to me i tried to explain myself and said that i understand that i've been a crappy father sometimes but i love him and i don't care that he is gay he told me that he didn't know if he was ever going to tell me because i'm an a-hole and i have no right to get upset about not knowing something about him after i abandoned him so long ago he then hung up on me i haven't told my wife or darren what's happened and i don't want to until i've walked through all this and gain some perspectives on what's happened so am i the a-hole for getting upset i think you are the a-hole for getting upset at your son coming out was his decision and everyone works through these things differently and it was his decision whether or not he told you and confided in you that he was gay obviously he doesn't trust you or have confidence in you because you did in fact abandon him by moving six hours away judging by his reactions and your story that you've told us you really haven't done enough to gain his trust or you know give him the feeling that he hasn't been abandoned there is just a lot going on under the surface here and i can't blame him for the way he's feeling so you are definitely the a-hole in this situation you're the a-hole you were a drunk when you were around him then you left his mother and married the woman you had an affair with also just moved six hours away from him to raise your other child and be with the woman who he probably views as the reason you did all this you also said you didn't see him much but sent him money money could never replace a real father don't think i need to say any more here yeah definitely major you're the a-hole here how can he even expect his son to feel comfortable telling him something like that to him when he doesn't even have a relationship with him because opie is obviously selfish as hell he's mad because he sees himself as entitled to that information instead of realizing that he hasn't earned his son's trust i don't disagree in the slightest aside from one detail i didn't get the impression of being mad from this post maybe shame or dejection which are well deserved but not anger but maybe that's just me not seeing it yeah he never said anything bad about the sun or even really defending his behavior so i have to go with no a-holes here the sun is totally justified as is op in being upset so what now keep working on it be a better father starting today and know the sun doesn't owe you forgiveness you're the a-hole you were not entitled to that kind of personal information especially from someone you barely raised i agree what he did was screwed up how can you move so far away from your child just to raise another one you should be ashamed of yourself don't forget the part where he quit drinking for the new kid too he sent money and saw him once in a while clearly the kid should have personally drove six hours to his home to come out to him and his new family update i have been doing a lot of reflection on my actions over the past month since my post including taking into account all of the advice i was getting from my last post i have decided to get therapy which i probably should have done a long time ago i acknowledge and work on my issues so i can start to be the father to jack that he deserves but never had i reached out to him a few days ago to express this to him and he said that while he appreciates that i'm trying it's going to take him a long time to get over all the bullcrap that i put him through but that he is willing to try he is honestly such an amazing kid and even though his mum and dad don't get along at all i will say that she did good in raising him we have a plan to talk every other day on the phone along with some in-person visits and if he feels up to it i would like to invite him and his boyfriend out for dinner sometime i know i have a lot of work to do but i'm trying to be a better man that includes staying sober maybe even my two sons could be friends one day i just wanted to update and say thanks well done op i hope that you can rebuild your relationship me too my dad wasn't around for my childhood he was into drugs and went to jail just before i turned five he got out and turned his life around when i was 11 came back into my life all this so i can say you are doing the right thing your kid needs a dad and yeah it might be a bit rocky at first but honestly the best thing you can do for him is to show him that you are changing and you want to be a part of his life it'll take a while and there might be a few setbacks but you are human so keep trying even at his age he will appreciate being shown that his father loves him from a 23 female with a crappy alcoholic dad who is now sober remarried and well off i can tell you thank you for being understanding that he needs time i cannot have an adult relationship with my father as he sees he did nothing wrong by moving on with his life and new family your son's feelings and abandonments are real and strong they hurt and cut him every time he hears your name or thinks of you you will never understand the pain of being alone and feeling like the one person who is supposed to have your back is never around and doesn't care to be but i do believe with your efforts it can be worked through he needs time love and constant reassurance that you are there for him now and in the way he needs not the way you think you should be what could your dad do now to repair your relationship just engaging with you in conversation or is it beyond repair just curious to be honest at this point in life i feel that our relationship is irreparable i have consistently over the last five years reached out for help and not been given the help i expected or needed at the time just help that he thought would be helpful my father is one of those people that doesn't like to give handouts he believes anything he gives me i will never appreciate if i don't struggle and figure it out myself mind you i grew up very poor with just my mum so it's not like this is coming from a place of privilege or unappreciation i'm sorry your dad just gives you struggle my dad is an alcoholic he never got clean and our relationship is so strained and awkward it's like when we interact it's out of obligation i never argue with him because it's honestly not worth it anyway posted by user blazed toucan titled am i the a-hole for kicking my brother out of my house cause he was smoking weed so i was an addict from the ages 17 to 19 and would have really bad episodes if i didn't get my fix once i turned 20 though i was determined to turn my life around and went to rehab my parents and siblings helped me through that and i'm forever grateful to them for that i am now 26 and six years clean haven't touched drugs or alcohol since i was 19 and plan on never doing so again my brother is 23 and asked if he could stay at my place for a bit because his roommate moved in with his girl and he said that he couldn't afford his apartment i gladly say yes and let him live free a way for me to thank him for being there for me when i was going through my addiction i thought i was more than fair by the rules i had of no drugs or alcohol in the house whatsoever if he wants to drink or smoke do it at a friend's house and keep the living room and kitchen clean not super clean but not a complete pigsty either the first month or so was perfect and we got along great for the first time he was here the real problem started about month two incident one he brought booze into my house and was drinking he said he was sorry and i forgave him because he never offered me any and convinced me that i was being too strict so we agreed that he can drink as long as it's always in his room and never where i can see it incident two i was away on a business trip for a couple of days and he throws a huge party at my house like club style parties and the house is trashed when i get back the house is clean but it reeks of pots cigarettes and alcohol at this point i'm pretty pissed and tell him he's on thin ice incident three this is the one that did it for me i come home late at night and there he is right on the living room couch a bog in hand and smoking right in my living room i'll admit i acted out of anger but i gave him three chances i grabbed the bong out of his hands and told him to get the f out of my house then he gets all angry and tells me i'm being overdramatic and i'm too strict i feel super disrespected at this point and slammed the bong right down on the floor it shatters into pieces and i tell him to pack his crap and get the f out late that night i get a text from my sister asking why i kicked our brother out and i tell her the full story she is shocked but told me that i shouldn't have kicked him out and we should talk it out my brother was forced to move back in without parents and now he's not speaking to me i decided to take my sister's advice and texted him last night saying that i'm willing to talk this out when he feels ready tldr i was an addict and my brother who was living with me was smoking weed after i told him not to and i kicked him out so am i the a-hole for kicking out my brother for smoking weed even though he knows i was an addict i feel like to someone that does drugs they should know what the addiction feels like and how easily it pulls on you so he compared to the layman should know more than ever how strong that addiction can be and if he refuses to live by your rules and breaks it three times in you know egregious ways that second one should have been him kicked out and never given a chance again wow just wow i feel like you're kind of playing yourself here op i feel like you shouldn't have given them that chance and i don't know if you should reconcile with him he doesn't seem genuinely sorry for any of the actions he's taken and to me he kind of seems like a waste of space and time you're not the a-hole for this situation um i think it was valid that you kicked him out you set the rules and he broke them screw him not the a-hole what the actual f is wrong with him he knows your history and he knows what this has to be doing to you putting those temptations in your path when you are going out of your way to do him a favor is a hugely a hollish move this isn't even about your rules which you also aren't an a-hole about this is about the type of person who does this to someone on the path of recovery i don't even think it crossed his mind that i was an addict when he did all this crap he's never been one to think before he does anything not the a-hole if he could disrespect someone who was down to help him out that's on him enjoy him not speaking to you it sounds like he's doing you a favor added to add this might sound cold but honestly he might have a problem if he can't abide by those simple rules above all else you deserve to consider your health in sobriety first take care of yourself it's sad though i really do love that idiot and i know me breaking his bong was uncalled for but how many warnings do i need to give out before he listens not the a-hole your boundaries for your recovery need to be respected especially in your own house we live in california weed is legal here he just has no self-control and sadly no one else in my family wants to teach him that disrespecting house rules will get you nowhere if it's legal then he should have no issue finding an appropriate place to go to personally i've found the longer you are sober the more people seem to think you were cured my family is definitely this way at times i'm sorry that he's not as supportive as you need him to be sending lots of love updates i cannot believe it's been a month since i posted that me and my brother talked like a week after i posted that and had a heart to heart i basically told him i love him but i can't have him risk my health so i said he couldn't stay with me anymore i also said i want a formal apology if we are going to be good he told me he isn't going to apologize and so that was the end of the conversation about last week he called me and he wanted to talk again which i agreed to we had a real heart to heart after like two weeks of no contact and he apologized for compromising my health and i apologized for breaking his bong he isn't allowed in my house but we made up and are on good terms again edits i left out the fact that i paid for his bong that i broke edit two i am a guy also not a girl it's good you two are on speaking terms again yeah it was rocky there for a little bit but then again i didn't hate him for what he did so it was more if he would forgive me well i'm glad that he did him forgive you he's an utter selfish a-hole if he can't see that it was his behavior that was out of line even if you were never an addict you were doing him a favor by letting him stay there and if you had a no smoking and drinking rule he should have respected it or moved somewhere that he could indulge in those pastimes i bet 100 your parents wouldn't put up with him lounging on their couch while using his bong all right man i smoke weed every single day and even i know this guy was completely out of line weed can be a good thing but it can also be a destructive force to someone who has struggled with addiction sort of like someone who struggled with opioid addiction not wanting vicodin in their home even though it can be helpful to some it's toxic to others she was completely justified in all of this titled am i the a-hole for shutting down black names because i think it'll make life harder on my kids so my husband and i are having a baby i'm mixed race half black and half white my husband is black we don't know the gender yet but my husband prefers names that most people would call black names for boys names like trayvon devonte marquis etc i grew up with a name that is tied to black culture and hated it for most of my life i go by a shortened form of my name professionally i.e d for donation because i've seen how people react to my government name i am sure i have been passed up for jobs because of how people perceive my name my husband has a name more commonly used for white boys i.e jake he wants a strong black name for our son because he never had that and believes that giving him a white name to avoid racism isn't helping anyone i don't disagree but don't want to use our son as a test dummy to change that this has become a battle i know that we both need to agree on a baby name but am i the a-hole for writing off all black names this is a tough one because there's going to be a lot of different opinions on this matter and i don't think that people that disagree with you here are particularly wrong and neither are people that agree with you i'm personally on the side of not the a-hole because that's what you're putting into this relationship but your husband also is putting his side of the relationship where he wants a strong black name for your son if you two are communicating properly and you completely shut him down and ignore his wants and needs for this child then you would be an a-hole in that situation but as it stands currently i'm going to go with not the a-hole no a-holes here you both have perfectly valid points why not give him one as a first name and one as a middle name that way they'll both be his legal names and he can make his own choice when he's old enough to understand i think this is fair i am white but have always gone by my middle name most people just assume it's my first name and other than one caddy teacher who only used our official first name i never had any issues personally or professionally using my middle name while i completely understand op's view having a white name doesn't completely get rid of the weird reactions my kids are biracial black and have white first names so white that both names make the freakonomics top 20 widest names list my son said that people sometimes do double takes and he hopes that if he dates a white girl in college that she'll tell her parents beforehand he's black to avoid an awkward meeting of the parents if they only hear his name then they'll most likely assume he's white that didn't stop him from being pulled over and made to empty his backpack for biking in our neighborhood i see the husband's argument too telling black people that they have to be more white isn't fair speaking of free economics the resume experiments did show that black sounding names got less callbacks than white sounding names but if someone is going to throw out desean's resume i don't know if they would hire a black david that comes through the doors for an interview either and if someone doesn't want to hire desean then that's probably not the ideal work environment for a person of color anyway giving both options allows the kids to decide both of my kids like their names but i do wish we gave them this option no a-holes here both have valid points maybe suggest a name that has a strong association with proud powerful and inspirational black figures but that isn't for lack of a better term definitionally black like maybe nelson or martin or malcolm or desmond or some such and op says i love malcom and desmond thanks not the a-hole i saw a comedian once whose name was tyrone and he said his name was gaelic and it meant we're not hiring updates i posted a month ago about a dilemma that my husband and i were having with our baby's name we had already decided on a girl's name because it honors his mother but we are stuck on a boy's name my husband thought it was important for our son to have a name strongly tied to black american culture i wanted a more neutral name since i am biracial and grew up with a stereotypical black name we found out we're having a boy and decided on his name his name will be miles trayvon we thought it was a perfect compromise my husband's family tends to use middle names a lot so he'll probably just betray to most of them when he's in school his name will just be listed as miles last name he can officially be miles t last name if he doesn't want to use trayvon but he can also easily go by trayvon if he feels more connected to that name this option gives him the choice which my husband and i agreed was important my husband hated growing up with a stereotypical white boy name and said it caused some ribbing from people in his community who saw him as being less black he talked about how an eight mile eminem's character said something like this guy's a gangster his real name is clarence that's not to say my husband ever wanted to be a gangster he is an actuary lol but he said he felt like his name played a role in further isolating him from his black peers growing up i had the opposite experience my mom is white and my dad is black they decided on a stereotypical black name and i think it made my life harder professionally i go by a nickname and i do personally as well when talking about it with my husband i realized it started early i remember being about 4 and being out with my white grandma a woman came up to me touched my hair told my grandma i was beautiful and then asked what my name was instead of saying my real name my grandma said her name is daisy i attended an hbcu and finally felt comfortable with my given name but noticed a lot of seniors with black names used shortened versions of their names for job applications for example rayquan smith would be puts ray smith demarcus jones would put marcus jones keshonda nelson would put shauna nelson etc they said you had to play within the system and i did that anyway sorry for the long updates i just wanted to explain why this was such a big deal to both of us we didn't really get deep into it until after i posted here so thanks for encouraging that dialogue before anyone says it i do realize that some people will connect trayvon to trayvon martin that's not why we're using it i posted about this in name nerds and a lot of people were upset by it but i don't mean to offend anyone it's a family name on my husband's side posted by user over this wedding crap titled would i be the a-hole if i canceled our wedding throw away a bit long-winded but here we go i recently got engaged to the man of my dreams in april 2019 said to be married in september of 2020 even before we got engaged my fiancee and i agreed that we were going to keep it on the smaller side and only invite our closer friends and family now i have four other siblings that i'm not close to i only talk to one and that's putting it lightly i've chosen not to invite the remaining three and only invite the one i speak to my mother wasn't particularly pleased but understood at the time we already went through bullcrap with his side of the family due to the fact that i didn't want to invite everyone from his side of the family which would be an additional 60 plus people to our list my fiancee and i had already had a list of everyone he wanted to invite on his side of the family and mine it was a huge thing where we eventually compromised on inviting a large portion but not all they essentially threatened to not help pay for the wedding so i felt a bit bullied into giving in flash forward to the past few weeks my mother has had a falling out with the one sibling i speak to and now wants me to invite one of the ones who i have literally no relationship with i've told her no many times and to be civil and please respect my wishes today she threw the fact that we were inviting my fiancee's family to the wedding though it was a different scenario in my opinion and said she isn't coming to the wedding unless i invite him at this point i'm over all of it i haven't been able to enjoy being engaged because it's been family drama and i'm not even looking forward to planning the wedding we have planned a large portion and most of everything has been paid for out of our pockets i suggested we just cancel the damn thing and elope to my fiance and he agreed would i be the a-hole to cancel it and just elope i think the wedding is a bit too much stress for you and if you both agree on cancelling and eloping who can blame you for that decision yeah it upsets other people but it's not their wedding at the end of the day it's about what works best for you two as a couple and if the family environment is so toxic to the point where it's better to cancel the wedding for you too mentally than to go with it i can't blame you for that you sound like you're in a rock and a hard place with the rest of your family members here and i wouldn't want to be in that same place as you so i would probably do the same thing if i were you not the a-hole you would not be the a-hole edit thank you to everyone for the resounding support during this difficult time we both greatly appreciate it i've read through every comment and most have been so kind even the not so kind ones have helped shed light on a different perspective i will keep you all updated in the next few days and weeks with a decision thanks again not the a-hole if you and your fiancee are on the same page then that's all that matters from the sound of it you wouldn't even enjoy this wedding you planned this i'm currently planning a wedding and this issue has come up don't let them hold you hostage if their monetary contribution is contingent on you doing things their way it is no longer your day input is appreciated but if it doesn't add joy to your day you have to put your foot down either way congrats on the future nuptials not the a-hole i suggested we just cancel a damn thing and elope to my fiance and he agreed the only two opinions that matter plus the fact they paid for everything if other people's money gets involved then it gets complicated it doesn't it's their wedding if they decide to just elope nobody else gets a say yes it does this has nothing to do with them deciding to elope they paid for the wedding assuming it was happening if the wedding gets cancelled based on the couple's decision the couple should reimburse them there was an agreement and now the funders are altering the deal so let the bride and groom alter it again you can have your wedding it's just that we won't be there first of all we don't even know who funded it or what the agreement was second off they agreed to everything along the way so far anybody who put money toward this would be betrayed by the elopement and op replies as of this moment my fiancee and i are the only ones who have paid for anything both sides of the family have agreed to help but have not given us money at this time if this is true then literally do whatever the f you want not the a-hole elope and devoid the drama best wishes to you both in my experience eloping does not avoid drama if you don't plan on cutting ties my sister-in-law eloped and everyone is still salty about it i think that said might be worth the damaged relationships anyway really people are holding grudges about that do people actually like weddings enough that they're mad when someone doesn't have one that's crazy if i had eloped there would have been a ton of drama a lot of people will actually get salty that is just crazy to me i just can't imagine being excited enough by someone else's wedding that i would be mad that they didn't have one i didn't know that anyone liked weddings that much updates hello all it's been some time since i laid out all the bull crap my fiance and i were dealing with in regards to planning our wedding and such we were so overwhelmed with the immense response and support so thank you to everyone who contributed and offered advice now on to what's happened my fiance and i talked it through the pros and cons etc we both realized how unhappy we were with how things were going and decided that we were going to cancel the wedding and move forward with eloping we decided that we didn't want it to be just us but a small group of family and friends as well we were both ecstatic but also extremely worried at how our parents were going to take it especially considering our guest list went from over 120 people to 20 but we were both committed and he decided to tell his parents and i would then tell mine surprisingly his parents were so supportive and extremely ecstatic that we were getting eloped they were even more excited when we let them know we wanted them there and they booked their flight soon after they also handled telling their families and friends in texas that we were eloping and to get over it so that saved us the trouble his other family was very supportive and wished us the best my father was also incredibly supportive and couldn't wait to be there my mother on the other hand was furious the phone call to her started off calmly enough and i did let her know before beginning the conversation that she most likely wouldn't enjoy this but i pressed forward i told her our reasons our stresses how we felt disrespected and disregarding concerning everything i laid it out all in a calm and collected matter once finished she was very quiet and simply said alright i knew immediately that i was pretty well screwed but we ended the phone call with her stating she understood less than 24 hours later she texts me asking if my brother whom one of our biggest stresses was about was invited i was ticked because i had just had this conversation with her and explicitly told her who was invited and etc i responded back with a simple no and that my father grandmother and herself were invited well crap hit the fan she sent me a wall of texts calling me all sorts of names throwing my fiance's family in my face and how we took their side how i never truly gave a crap about her feelings all the good stuff i remained calm and before sending each response consulted my fiance as to not sound like a total [ __ ] long story short she said unless my brother is invited she won't be coming so i told her not to come i was over it and stopped responding to her texts for days she texted me saying all the same as before and kept asking if my brother was invited i responded once and told her that until she apologized she won't that i wouldn't be seeing or speaking to her about anything regarding the wedding i offered an open seat to our wedding whether she shows or not is completely up to her my fiancee and i have already booked a small venue for our elopements and are more excited planning this than our previous wedding and are looking forward to our future edits since everyone here has become a dictionary for the word allotment take it however you like small wedding slash allotment i don't care i'm marrying the love of my life in the way that i want to so i won either way stuck hand says have a plan for when she shows up with your brother because she's going to my fiance and i are very worried about this honestly luckily he lives in russia for a better part of the year and just left recently to go back my mum knows what it would mean if she brought him she also has terrible sense of direction and needs my dad to get her to the venue so she does have a babysitter of sorts i understand that you don't have a relationship with your brother but do you find him generally reasonable if so it might be worth reaching out to him and your other siblings who aren't invited and just explaining your reasoning for not inviting them if you think they'll understand it should mean that if your mother tries to pull a swifty she won't have anyone to go along with i have not spoken to my sister and one of my older brothers in many many years one of them is an alcoholic and a drug addict who was definitely not invited so my mom first wanted him to come and the other one is just a total a-hole if i'm being honest especially to my mum one of the many reasons i stopped speaking to my siblings in the first place was because of how they spoke and treated my mother in particular honestly this relationship she has with his sibling currently will end and then start again in another vicious cycle it has unfortunately been like that for years damn sounds like my idea wouldn't work i'm sorry you're in such a difficult situation and that it's of your mother's creation it bothered me for a long time because everyone tells you that family is everything always choose them over anyone else blah blah but literally all of my siblings treated me like absolute crap growing up and i can't even begin to tell you what they did or have said to my mom it's horrific i decided i didn't want those types of people in my life family or not peace good on you as the saying goes don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm you were doing the right thing prioritizing your own happiness over theirs after all the wedding is about you cheers congratulations on your marriage i'm curious particularly since i know barely anything about american weddings is it actually a thing to elope with a party of 20 guests that just sounds like a lot of people to me at what point is it not eloping anymore and a destination wedding with only close friends and family instead i have a feeling that the two are the same thing and this just comes down to semantics anyway i hope you have a great stress-free time op says it's weird because a lot of venues offer elopement packages this one offered an allotment ceremony i could invite up to 40 if i wanted but i get the venue for two hours we see our vows smack lips and peace out feels a low pitch i dunno all i know is that i'm getting married why are you inviting your mother if she is a crap disturber and emotional abuser and calling you names how do you know she won't just bring your bro if she can't get on your level she should be banned too despite how she has acted during my engagement her and i have a phenomenal relationship she just acts incredibly childish whenever anything doesn't go her way whenever she would pull that crap when i was younger i called her out on it and told her to grow up and moved on i want her at my wedding and even though some of reddit thinks she's a crazy [ __ ] she isn't i'm the only child to be there for her when crap hits the fan and i did tell her over a text that if she did decide to bring my brother our relationship would be over so if she wants to risk that then fine posted by user fun organization ma'am titled am i the a-hole for setting up my ex-husband to look like a bad father i'll keep this short when mai and dex's daughter megan was turning 13 she wanted a tiered harry potter cake she loves the movies she was very specific in what she wanted i told her as gently as i could that i didn't think we'd be able to afford that and my ex took that opportunity to be the fun parents and said in a doting voice oh baby don't worry daddy will get you your cake she was all smiles and ran off to get her bags i told him if he was going to promise this to order it early cause bakeries require advanced order he got all huffy and said he knew what the hell he was doing and i should mind my business i said anything involving our daughter is my business he said he didn't need my help and i should just handle the birthday party and he would get the cake i said okay and then they left for the weekends i know my ex he puts off things that aren't about him i knew he was going to forget to order usually i'd pester him so he wouldn't forget but he said he didn't need my help so i decided to not bring it up unless he did but i did call a friend i have who started decorating cakes to order the cake from her it cost a bit more than i'd have liked but not as much as i'd been worried it would well he never brought the cake up again at least not until the day before her birthday where he called me frantic he forgot to order the cake and now none of the bakeries will take his order without tacking on a massive fee because there is no way they can have the cake ready unless they focus their full stuff on one cake i was going to tell him not to worry i ordered the cake for him but then he says why didn't you remind me i just snapped and said he needed to figure this out and he better have a cake tomorrow then i hung up he brought a cake a plain white sheet cake with red trim and one of those print out sugar decals on the front of harry potter and his two friends and a wax 11 candle she was turning 13. he revealed the cake during her party so everyone was sitting quiet and megan looked heartbroken and tried to be nice but she asked what happened to the cake she wanted x floundered and i let him for a few seconds before laughing just kidding and then i went and pulled the cake i ordered from the kitchen megan lit up and everyone laughed and it was just one huge joke and the rest of the party went great but after everyone went home and megan was in her room x tried to lay into me about humiliating him and letting him look like a bad father and i told him the only one who made him look bad was him i think i was justified but some mutual friends think i should have just told him i got the cake to keep things civil between us am i the a-hole i'm gonna go with no i mean it does prove that he is a bad father for letting his daughter down and really you got the best of both worlds in this situation by embarrassing him and then playing it off as a joke he knows not to repeat that again and if he does repeat this mistake again wow it just proves that he's a terrible father it's kind of crazy when you're terrible and you rely on others to remind you not to be someone that forgets constantly maybe i am the problem maybe i need to fix myself kind of crazy how that works eh absolutely none of this is your fault op you did everything right you did better than expected in all honesty not the a-hole edits i never told megan or even planned to tell her not until she was older maybe but she started acting very chilly to ex for a long while after her birthday party and when he asked her why she admitted to almost walking into the kitchen when he and i were whisper arguing the night of her birthday she found out he'd completely forgotten to order the cake and the jerk cake was actually the real cake he got her so she was very cross with him for a long time afterwards added two to everyone thinking i purposefully waited to have him reveal the joke cake before showing the cake i ordered i didn't i'd planned on pulling him aside before the party and letting him know i just went ahead and ordered a cake for him then we would take in the big cake and leave whatever he brought in the kitchen but he showed up after all the guests had arrived so i didn't have time to grab him before he sat the sheet cake box on the dining room table where everyone saw it and i knew everyone would notice us taking his short pink box into the kitchen and coming back out with a taller white one i thought on my toes not the a-hole um you actually saved him from looking like a bad father putting that in quotes because he doesn't look like one he is one by having the cake that she wanted ready and making it look like his crappy contribution was just a joke i am extremely glad that this man is your ex and that you were there to be a real parent to your daughter yeah but he was mad that i let him feel humiliated instead of just showing him i got the cake i'll admit i wanted him to feel like crap for forgetting megan's cake he deserved to feel like crap for it not the a-hole not the a-hole it sounds like to everyone on the outside that you two were in on it and just teasing your daughter he's the only one that had to sit there and crap his pants because he screwed up he should have dropped to his knees and thanked you and asked how much he owed you for the damn cake but he didn't which is one of the many reasons we are no longer together next time save the cake for a private party or later and don't give him a parachute because i doubt this is the first time he made you look like an awful parent so he could be the fun parents not the first no when we were together he was constantly going behind my back ignoring punishments for megan and just making me out to be some villain while he was daddy the hero to her she's not falling for his crap anymore since i stopped saving his ass not the a-hole dude was seriously embarrassed that his poor behavior was so easy to predict that you had a contingency plan your friends are wrong but they are coming from a place of sympathy for their friends and because they want to keep the peace in the friend group it's understandable but still wrong good for you mama i understand them not wanting drama or whatever but i feel like i'm the one having to do everything to keep the peace quite unquote posted by user marmograms titled am i the a-hole for telling my daughter that her holiday plans are selfish my daughter is 24. she recently got married she and her husband recently bought a log cabin on a small island in the middle of a lake the lake is in the middle of nowhere and at least a good six hour drive from my house her father and i invited them to our house for christmas eve dinner which is a tradition in our family however my daughter told me that she and her husband are planning to spend december 14 to january 6th at their cabin just the two of them and their dog even though the lake will be frozen in the winter they plan on getting there by snowmobile this is just her way of making sure that they won't have an excuse to entertain guests i told her they can't just shut themselves out from the world during the holidays i haven't seen them since the spring it's breaking my heart that my own daughter would be so callous my husband agreed and lectured her over the phone now my daughter isn't returning our texts am i the a-hole here it's crazy when you try to control your adult married children and treat them like a child saying hey you can't do this i haven't seen you you're being callous and then you get your husband to dogpile on top of them that they're just going to block you and ignore you crazy how life works like that hey i kind of think you deserve this treatment if you will not have some introspective and see that hey maybe they want to be left alone this holiday season and maybe that's their prerogative and there's nothing wrong with that yes it sucks not to see someone that you haven't seen since the spring but if they want to spend their time together and it's not been a problem in the past well i don't know maybe you're making a problem out of nothing op there's always time in the future to go see them let them have their time together away from the world for a bit you're the a-hole i told her that they can't just shut themselves out from the world during the holidays they're adults and can do whatever they want have you stopped to consider why they would rather be in a cabin in the middle of nowhere instead of at your christmas eve dinner you're the a-hole this my mum never stopped to ask why i dodged her or family gatherings that crap sucked my mom and i stopped going to my aunts for thanksgiving a few years back mom and i usually spend thanksgiving ourselves with our own meals opie is 100 the a-hole here this she is 24 and married she can do whatever the fk she wants with her holiday time your husband lectured her over the phone congratulations on driving away your daughter your job as parents was to raise your children with the tools to make informed independent decisions as adults once they are adults you don't tell them how to use those tools you're the a-hole you're the a-hole your daughter just got married and wants to spend some time with her husbands this isn't selfish this is normal this and like it's kind of special this year lol we're fighting a pandemic there are more than 100 cases every day where i'm at and i'm respecting the quarantine there is literally no safer place than an isolated private owned log cabin you've clearly never seen dead snow no and i haven't heard of it either what is it movie where nazi zombies attack a snowy cabin in the woods then again i might take them over opie's mom you're the a-hole what exactly gives you or your husband the right to lecture your adult daughter about how she spends her time i think i know exactly why they don't want to spend the holidays with you your daughter is an adult now she gets to choose how to spend her time and who to spend it with they are newly married and want to spend it just the two of them you don't need to like it it's not your life you don't get a choice if you want any kind of relationship with your daughter start by apologizing for overstepping and don't bring it up again but given your daughter's reaction i guess this is far from the first time you've acted this way posted by user not karen's dad titled am i the a-hole for refusing to name our daughter karen so my wife and i recently found out we're having a daughter we hadn't really talked about names before but we both agreed that each of us will retain veto power when we did start discussing names both of us wanted to name her after our late mothers her mum's name was karen and my mom's name wasn't a meme i told her the baby can take my mom's name as her first name and her mom's name as a middle name or have an entirely different name but i can't okay karen as a first name in any case she got offended because she just wants to honor her mother and thinks i have a problem with that i just don't want to set our daughter up to be bullied throughout her life i told her i'd be fine with whatever first name she picks as long as it doesn't lead to the baby being picked on later in life but she's pretty insistent on karen i know that we've covered this topic specifically the name karen a few times before but i think it's good to just repeat the message i think that if you don't want to name your kid a particular name and your partner does they should respect your decision and move the goal posts to a name that both of you guys can agree on there's no point trying to force a kid's name that your partner doesn't agree with and knows that your kid will get picked on in school and throughout the rest of their life for when it's easy enough to not have resentment in the relationship and just choose another name there's plenty of names out there yes you want to honor your mother but you know the middle name suggestion can work as well i would say that more communication is required in this relationship as it stands right now op not the a-hole edit wow i didn't expect this to blow up i thought i'd delete this since the issue was pretty much resolved now but you guys are clearly enjoying this so i thought i'd provide an update we had a talk about this and why she had such an emotional reaction to my veto ever since her mom died suddenly when she was only 14 she's wanted to name her first daughter after her and she didn't really ever consider that the meme might be a potential obstacle by that point i'd thought about it for a while and realized that as many of the comments has pointed out karen likely won't be a meme by the time she's old enough to feel its impacts so i told her i'll recant my veto but we should still reconsider it because it still has potential complications and we might just come up with a better tribute while exchanging ideas we realized that both our mothers very coincidentally had the exact same middle name elizabeth well mine had two middle names and elizabeth was one of them but still it seems completely perfect to both of us so we're going with it thanks for all your inputs not the a-hole it was a normal name now it's a joke imagine baby karen people are gonna make jokes all her life it's a joke with our generation it's doubtful it'll be a joke in hers but regardless parents get full veto powers or names they don't like unless they abuse that power i've heard the general rule two yes one no for naming and it seems pretty solid both parents have to agree on the name for it to be considered if one parent doesn't like it it's off the table they've kind of shot themselves in the foots with the passing and name down thing though veto power gets muddy when you do family names i'm the fourth generation with my name we had a daughter and won't be having another child but if we had a boy he was not getting my name it's just super annoying until the older one dies if she had been a boy i wanted to name him pronouns getting weird after my maternal grandpa who is the most important adult male in my teen and later life no a-holes here you both have good reasons you suggested a compromise and you've discussed veto power i think the only solution you can find is to convince her to accept other suggestions and find something else you both agree on not just disgust according to op they agreed to veto power but now the wife is backing out of the agreement that alone makes opie not the a-hole and his wife slightly the a-hole posted by user grammar grammarpolice0610 titled am i the a-hole for being offended i was asked for a favor while i'm on chemo i 41 female was diagnosed with breast cancer back in june devastating for the whole family including my hubby 46 male and my kids 13 female and 15 male i'm going through chemo and it is awful but i try to put on a brave face and keep things as normal as possible for my family i rarely let them see how sick and tired i feel i save my ugly crying for when i'm alone in the shower when anyone calls and asks how i am i give the standard i'm fine don't worry chemo isn't so bad i can do a lot of things for myself i don't need anything i hate asking anyone for anything i'm trying to maintain my independence as much as possible not so for my mother-in-law so when she had a party which we would not attend due to the current situation and my immunocompromised health she asked me to contribute by making my specialty dish i flipped out who asks a sick person for a favor even though i say i'm okay it's because i don't want anyone to worry but doesn't everyone know without being told how awful chemo is isn't it common sense whatever little energy i have is reserved for my kids not catering a dish for a party i saw this as just another selfish request from mother-in-law hubby of course doesn't see anything wrong we have been arguing about it he says i cook and bake at home and for my family and he is tired of me bringing it up and dwelling on it i say he is so easily manipulated by his mommy he has such a blind spot for when it comes to his family if i say anything about his family he takes it as a personal insult i say his family is my family and i'm allowed to call out when something is wrong as many times as i want i can't believe he's defending her on this when my days could literally be numbered so am i the a-hole more info i'm sorry but i left out that the request was made to my husband who relayed it to me i'm not really upset with my mother-in-law more so hubby who said so what big deal you cook for your family when i wanted and needed him to say yeah that's kind of out of line for her to ask and shut her down when she asked him he knows very well living with me that i'm not well he's the one i'm mad at mother-in-law doesn't even check in on me that often she's called me once a month maybe i haven't said one rude word to her i was going to go with everyone sucks here because it seemed like you were attacking your mother-in-law and you know she would have understood and she's one of these r just no mother-in-law just no monster-in-law types and didn't give her flying hoots about your health but it seems like the shoe was on the other foot and it's your own hobby that is kind of letting you down in that department by not acting for you and on behalf of your health and obviously as your life partner he should know your situation know where your energy is at know where your priorities are at and he's not representing you properly to those that are asking for a favor i guess in some sorts or are asking you to expend energy on something that you don't have the energy for currently the craziness of this year plus the chemo really puts you in a bad spot emotionally mentally and you know physically obviously i absolutely cannot blame you for the way you're acting your husband should be representing you better and i feel like he's let you down i'm gonna go with not the a-hole edit number two thanks everyone for the responses quite a variety of responses and no clear consensus so this is all clear as mud in my mind i learned i need to be more honest with how i'm feeling i really will try honestly it's because i don't want to alarm my kids for everyone else i just can't stand the pity i don't have the same energy to console anybody else some of you will know what i mean it's just easier to say i'm fine it's how i cope i'm not a complainer and those who really get me are still incredibly supportive just knowing i have cancer and i'm in active treatments is enough for literally everyone else in my life to ask what they can do for me not what i can do for them thanks everyone who wished me well the kindness of internet strangers really moved me to those of you who really believe i'm the a-hole thanks i will try to be more honest with how i'm feeling but would you really ask your sick friends to cook for you seriously my mother-in-law is self-absorbed and always needs a favor she has a history of making unreasonable requests with wide-eyed innocence and idiot hubby falls for it every time i'm not so easily manipulated though so no this was not her being kind to include me i get i may be overreacted but i'm dealing with a lot all my long-term plans have gone up in smoke i lost my breasts my hair my nails my looks my stamina my strength my financial security there is not one part of my life not one cell in my body that cancer has not touched i will never have peace of mind again this monster will chase me for the rest of my days i live in constant fear my children will be dealing with lifelong grief and the emotional scars that it will leave i have nightmares of my babies saying goodbye to my emaciated body on my deathbed so no mother dearest i can't make mushroom risotto idiot hubby has first-hand witness to my mental and physical struggles and he has been incredibly supportive except for with his mum it's so weird he's super defensive of her it's a total blind spot in his judgment no a-holes here if you're pretending everything is fine then you can't be shocked when people take you at your word it sounds like bottling up everything you're going through has been very tough on you it's fine that you don't want people to worry but that's what a support system is for ask your oncologist if they can recommend any nearby support groups for people going through what you are exactly opie is so busy pretending everything is normal and then gets pissed off when she's treated like normal she doesn't have to get into the down and dirty details but shouldn't get mad when people don't understand her reality because she is hiding her reality i am married to a man who is a cancer survivor i get it it's exhausting that your whole life becomes explaining a situation she needs to find a better way to handle this and a support group can assist in that how is it normal to ask someone who is not attending an event to cook for it i mean it depends i cook for my in-laws all the time and send something most times even if i'm not able to go sometimes if my brother-in-laws are having a dinner party you order like that i can't go to or it's for the other side of the family i'll make them something because they are vegan and i like to try vegan recipes my in-laws get pierogies for basically every get-together whether i go or not so my mother-in-law asking me to make some would be totally normal in my world posted by user pete26l96 titled am i the a-hole for ordering pizza to a family dinner where there was already food basically tonight i went to a family member's house for a get-together with other relatives there were around 13 of us in total and we are all very close so i get there and talk with some relatives play some games and then it becomes time for dinner with everyone being quite hungry the host my uncle and wife tells everyone that they're ordering pizza so as we usually do myself and my relatives discuss and tell my uncle what we would like this is usually how it goes when someone is ordering pizza in my family and everyone ends up getting what they want as most aren't picky and have similar tastes so my uncle orders and one hour later it arrives immediately my uncle and his wife take the cheese pizza and hand it to the kids so that leaves three pizzas left to my surprise they're all mediums but i think to myself whatever my uncle opens the boxes and to all of our surprises there is only one chicken pizza with the other two pizzas being what appears to be vegetarians loaded with onions and green peppers the chicken pizza tasted good as expected but the vegetarian pizza was insanely dry and tasted just of onions and green pepper turns out my uncle decided to order two custom pizzas based on what his vegetarian wife liked which was very light cheese little to no sauce and extra extra onions and green pepper hearing this i thought f this so i took out my phone and ordered a large pepperoni and barbecue chicken from the local dominoes i could tell everyone else wasn't happy either but unwilling to say anything after 20 minutes i walked out without saying a word got in my car and picked up the pizza when i got back my uncle and his wife looked shocked and asked why would you do that we still have pizza my uncle was visibly frustrated but just walked off his wife however took it as a personal attack and started in arguments which ended when i said learn how to order food properly every time you host dinner there's not enough food or you get stuff no one likes which is true my relatives and family basically told me to shut up although a couple agreed with me that they need to learn to listen funnily enough my relatives ate the two pizzas i brought despite the two vegetarian ones still being relatively untouched most of them even thanked me after for getting the pizza which i feel like was an acknowledgment that they knew my uncle and his wife need to learn how to order food properly they basically completely ignored what everyone said and just got what they wanted based on their own very specific taste ps it goes without saying i paid for the pizza i ordered myself as i went to pick it up alone look i'm gonna have to go within everyone sucks here for this one but you're a justified a-hole in this situation and i feel like their actions are unjustified you're right they haven't been listening and you're right it kind of ruins dinner for these people but i feel like it's more polite not to speak up and just not go if you don't want to deal with these situations your approach was very confrontational and you know it was for the best in the end but what if it didn't end the way you wanted it to you be up [ __ ] craig without a paddle and that's not a place that i'd want to be personally everyone sucks here but you're justified they are not everyone sucks here the ordering of pepperoni pizza could have been handled nicer or hid in the garage but your aunt and uncle were crap hosts if others mentioned what they would like and they just ordered what they wanted and light cheese what the hell is that it's pizza not salad well honestly that custom pizza sounds terrible no meat no sauce only light cheese onions and green peppers no thanks i would rather tell them i'm not hungry or something there are tons of vegetarian pizzas that taste delicious but that one surely wasn't one of them yeah exactly it's not a vegetarian versus meat eater thing it's a what the hell is wrong with aunt's tastes thing i don't eat meat and that vegetarian pizza sounds disappointing af it is extremely rude to serve food for your guests based in your particular tastes especially such specific tastes a lot of people don't like green pepper or extra onion and things if it's so important to be vegetarian get a margarita at least and why ask what everyone wants if you don't care i guess you could have been more smooth about it but sometimes it's good so people will know better next time not the a-hole while not the same as margarita pizza they did have cheese pizza they just gave it to all the children lamou from how the post reads opie and others would have been fine with even having access to normal cheese pizza honestly this was the biggest a-hole move in the story for me hearing what was available and knowing how kids can be if they aren't fed and their relative likelihood of eating the vegetarian pizza or even the chicken it was probably the smartest course of action not terribly good hosting but practical not the a-hole sounds like they only cared about their own tastes i wouldn't serve people food that they didn't like when they are guests when i specifically asked what they wanted oh you don't like salmon okay we'll have salmon then i don't understand all these you're the a-hole answers if they hadn't asked what people wanted then i would have went with an everyone sucks here but they asked and just got what they wanted anyway sounds like they made it into a big deal when it didn't need to be i went with everyone sexier because it sounds like opie was rude when he explained the problem to the hosts i think the hosts were wrong but i also just think op went above what was needed to berate them but i 100 agree on why the hosts were rude posted by user cassie's fur coats titled am i the a-hole for telling co-workers extremely bluntly why i'm not participating in the office weight loss bet someone got the brilliant idea to make an office diet bet due to the pandemic gains with people pulling in their money to see who can lose the most weight by thanksgiving i am one of seven people not participating lots of pregos some bodybuilders and people who maintained their way to aren't interested since i visibly gained they thought i'd want to participate i didn't jen in charge of everything kept dropping by to remind me to turn in my form and my money i said no thanks but jen wouldn't drop it other people got involved asking me why not all the time it'll be fun don't be scared i'd feel better and look better i told them no i wouldn't and it's a great way to bonds we're all in it together it's like weight watchers i said i'm not interested and then eventually i said no drop it they decided i wanted them to convince me two weeks into the bets they tried to trick me onto the scale to shock me i contacted hr and people finally backed down i'm eating my food one day rice and beans people sitting with me start dropping hints that how they feel so much better now that they aren't eating carby comfort food all the time i said i'm glad you feel better they took this as a sign that i knew i'd feel better again and started up saying that i could still join in i finally fudging snapped and said you guys suck i'm a recovering anorexic i get one whiff of competition and start starving myself for days and start puking up what i do eats until i'd have to get to my third oral surgery to remove rotting teeth does that sound worth it to you chorus of oh wow and no no we were just joking i said no you weren't just joking congratulations by the way after you all wouldn't stop i weighed myself for the first time in seven years and didn't eat for two days does that make you all feel good none of them would look me in the eye so i just went home for the day i got a call from the woman in hr who was shockingly supportive of me one of the bodybuilder guys stepped up and said that he'd witnessed a lot of the harassments and he doesn't blame me for my outburst a few others did too however they had to cancel the diet bits i didn't ask them to and people are blaming me saying that i can't take a joke it wasn't that deep and the girl's present said they no longer feel safe working with me because i obviously have mental issues one of them made a big stink about politically correct bullcrap and how i'm the typical hypersensitive millennial i go back and forth on this all day thinking i should have just swallowed my anger and gone back to hr or stopped eating lunch in the office or whatever i didn't mean to ruin anyone's fun but i also feel justified in pushing back on their harassment am i the a-hole no you were genuinely being harassed by these people and now you are genuinely being gaslit by these people they want to be able to get their way without having to own up to the genuine mental damage they've done to you kind of disgusting and very toxic behavior coming from these people but again hr can't always do anything about that and i'm not sure they're always willing to do it in a lot of these situations they'd rather just get rid of you because you're technically the troublemaker in this situation instead of you know striking down all these people that's just what i've seen from stories like this obviously take that with a grain of salt but doesn't it suck when things like that happen i kind of feel like you were pushed into this situation and shoved into a corner and that's so unfair for them to have done that to you because you know you didn't deserve any of this you did nothing to deserve this not the a-hole and i feel so bad for you not the a-hole they took this public not you your hr team handled this appropriately i'm glad some of your co-workers are supporting you as well completely agree not the a-hole at all so sorry you went through this op your co-workers sound incredibly selfish i would contact hr again if they continue harassing you now can't believe people would be so self-centered and cruel ah but come on it was just a joke i mean once they found out how serious op was and they realized no actually meant no they decided it was just a joke all along isn't harassment the funniest of jokes after all i have an even better joke op report them for harassment and creating a toxic work environments they lost their job and couldn't find a new one because they're a bunch of dumbos they couldn't pay their bills so they end up homeless and can't afford daily meals so they get to do their stupid weight loss thing after all you're spot on because what they're doing really is harassment and that does not belong in the workplace not the a-hole and if they continue to give you grief in retaliation then you should continue to report because the issue is not done this my company has a zero retaliation policy if you called hr on the group and they're still harping on how unfair it was the fun was ruined they would have been punished more severely when that was brought to them they were called out on harassment and aren't willing to just move on i would contact hr again also serious wtf at the co-workers saying i don't feel safe working with somebody who i can't literally fudge and harass on a daily basis this has got me heated and they're arguing that opie is being hypersensitive newsflash bully is not a protected class posted by user complete can 3865 titled am i the a-hole for wanting to see my son sir i thirty male had a girlfriend in college who got pregnant when she was 19 and i was 20. i freaked out and wrongly blamed her for everything and said there was no way i wanted to be a dad i said i would take no part in anything wouldn't sign the birth certificates and wouldn't pay child supports my dad said i'd have to sign my rights away or she could take me to court for a paternity test in child support anyway so i told her i was going to do that and she didn't fight me fast forward to present day i had an accident a few years ago that has made it impossible for me to father any children this was a hard blow to my wife and our marriage has struggled as i'm not willing to adopt but she wants children she knows i fathered a kid when i was younger so i thought i'd contact my ex about seeing them and maybe my wife would be happy in a stepmom role my ex said no and when i protested she basically told me tough luck i said they were my kid and she basically said he's not i signed my rights away so i had no children as far as the law and she was concerned the kid has a real dad and a life and i've never been a part of it and i never will be i was so angry i started yelling about taking her to court for custody and she wished me the very best of luck in that endeavor and hung up i was venting to my brother and he said no judge worth his weight in salt would give me custody or even regular visitation after a decade of no contact just because i suddenly found myself sterile and wanted to appease my wife i didn't want a kid so i don't have a kid he also said i'm not treating him like an actual person and did i even once stop to consider the fact that he wouldn't even know who i was only that he'd been forced to go stay with someone who didn't want him i got upset and stopped talking to him i shouldn't have threatened to go for custody and i admit that but people are acting like i've done the worst thing ever by even contacting my ex so i thought i'd ask am i really such an a-hole yes if everywhere around you smells like dog doo-doo maybe the dog doo-doo was on your shoe op cause that's what it seems like it's unfortunate that you're not able to father your own kids and it's even more unfortunate that you don't want to adopt that's just absolutely bonkers to me and now you want to pull a 10 year old out of the life that they know and tell them hey i'm your dad i actually abandoned you and i didn't want you part of my life but this is the situation now and i'm trying to make my wife happy you don't care about that kid you don't care about anyone but yourself and your wife you're the a-hole grow up and come back to reality mates yep you are you were the a-hole and you still are the a-hole you bailed on your kid now your wife wants one and your thought process is i mean i have one in storage you don't want your first child because he is your child and you want him for him you want contact to appease your wife because you've made the executive decision that you don't want to adopt you're the a-hole in so many ways both past and present seriously and to add even more insult to injury you are unwilling to adopt but you think your wife should be satisfied with a step kid who's most likely never ever gonna call her mom wow you're the a-hole i was adopted with his willingness to just walk away unless he wants something i hope he never adopts a kid most of us were already abandoned once posted by user jugg bug rug titled am i the a-hole for telling my dad either you pay me a proper wage or i'll quit so my dad owns a restaurant and intends to leave it to one of his kids my sister who was 28 was not interested and went to be a hairdresser and my brother who is 29 is in uni meanwhile i i'm 25 went to cook school or whatever you call it in english and graduated two years ago i love to cook i love to experiment i love working in the restaurant business despite the hours being fudging horrid so i've been designated as their heir more or less despite everything going on the restaurant runs great and frankly i take full credit for it ever since i took over as head chef revamped the menu created a system for people to order and pick up food and so on the amount of customers have tripled we actually make more during this crisis even without allowing dine in customers than my dad made before i worked here full time atop that i also often work when someone falls through be it kitchen work serving hosting whatever i manage most of the accounting and i also started a social media presence for the restaurant which has blown up locally long story short i work a minimum of 60 hours a week often more now i do all of this with love i like it despite swallowing up all my time but that brings us to what i make i literally make as much as the serving staff would make if they worked full time that is to say i make what they would make in 40 hours while working 60 plus hours and having triple the workload and i am tired of it i tried speaking to my dad about it but i kept getting inconclusive answers or bullcrap answers as an example he talks about it being a difficult time for restaurants so he can't increase my wage despite the fact we make more despite the crisis or crap like i'll think about it i can barely pay my goddamn rent at this rate let alone save even a dime so i ended up saying what's in the title i could get another job like yesterday extreme shortage of chefs and make at least double what i make right now starting out obviously this led to my dad and family blowing up at me and now i'm worried if i'm the a-hole i mean if all your dad and family cares about his money then i don't think there's any way you're not going to be the a-hole in this scenario you were making so much money for them and saving them so much money from what they would be paying you if they had to pay you fairly i think that's the only metric we're going to be judging their actions by honestly if i were you i'd pick up and leave and let them see what they're missing out on now that you're gone go do something better for your life if you really do care about this family and you want it to grow you will demand better for yourself and you will get better or you will go that would be the only compromise that i'd come up with just because your family doesn't give them a pass to abuse you your time your rights and what you are you know entitled to after doing so much work for the business not the a-hole not the a-hole sounds like your dad is just using you for cheap labor sure feels like it it is it's also a legal and bad practice take a week off for your mental health let him run things and watch it implode without you return and insist to pay raise and appropriate salary structure or you walk you have proof you were an excellent head chef and manager i imagine if you walk so will most of the staff and your dad can't afford that it's a trump card but you need to pull it out now before you burn out and can't do this anymore things will still be okay for a week if op did what they said and set up these new workflows it'll take about a month for cracks to really show and for customers to start noticing the difference because the holidays will probably bring a slight boost it'll probably be february when everything truly fails and employees all quit and by then it'll be too late for the dad to fix his mistakes op is not the a-hole and should definitely get another job if they can't squeeze an appropriate pay rate from their boss and dad as someone who's working in a family business leave they do not appreciate you and will not get yourself a better paying restaurant job with your experience it should be no problem and when the time comes to take over they will insist you buy it from them which you won't be able to do since they underpay you when you can't they will sell to somebody else for a greatly inflated price due to all of your hard work and screw you over this my partner and i worked for a privately owned pizza place and the owner's plan was for us to take over and him to retire he literally wanted us to buy it from him while only paying me 30 dollars a day i worked minimum 8 hour shifts yes i'm an idiot but he was really persuasive at first and constantly complimenting my work and how i ran things obviously it did not work out and in hindsight he probably never even intended to ever sell it to us but was taking advantage of our kind nature and need for work you're not going to get back that time that you've already put in let alone future time if you continue there posted by user feiyu moon titled am i the a-hole for throwing a dirty little family secrets in my mom's face there is a family secret that has been hidden for the last decade it strained my relationship with my mom significantly while my dad was still alive she was having an affair with my uncle my dad got into an accident and passed away and before the funeral even happens my mum had moved my uncle in pretending to extended family that he was there to help us a couple of weeks after the funeral everyone else found out and they are estranged from my mum and uncle now my mom was pregnant during all of this and it was very hard as a seven-year-old to accept what was happening my mom and uncle got married before their daughter was born and since then they've had a son my relationship with my mum and uncle is not great it has sucked living with them and seeing their happy ever after play out after what they did not even just to my dad but to me my mom has always gotten up my butts about my attitude toward her and her husband and i have always tried to ignore it for the most part but the other night she and i got into a fight when their daughter asked why i didn't like her parents and i told her to ask them my mom said that it was like telling them there was something they should know i told her she was the one who screwed her husband's brother moved him in when he died while having a kid in the house and then telling the kid to lie about it so the funeral could pass and she could get money from her in-laws instead of being cut off i told her she was a disgusting person and i couldn't wait to move out in a few months am i the a-hole eta my dad died in a workplace accident my mum and uncle were kissing in front of me the day he died so the affair started before it's also not really an affair if he had been gone still screwed up to do it in front of me but still i am my dad's only child both kids are my uncles i have contact with my extended family behind my mom's back she and my uncle are completely cut off from both maternal and paternal families once i can and with the advice of some comments this might be sooner than expected i'll be getting the hell out of this house and they will never see me again i don't give a crap my mom and uncle are cut off from the second i leave and i will be free i feel like this is a pretty easy not the a-hole circumstance here i don't feel like there's much that you could be hiding in this circumstance that would swing it to when everyone sucks here or you're the a-hole judgments this seems like a pretty disgusting series of events from both of those two and i would feel the exact same way and i would want to leave that house as soon as possible just as you are i cannot fault you for that and you were not the a-hole not michelle says not the a-hole your mother may want to lie to her daughter but she can't force you to get on board with it not the a-hole mum played a dumb game and won her prize in the form of an estranged family if she's worried about what her new children will think of her then she shouldn't have acted disreputably in the first place yup not the a-hole if mom didn't want her daughter to ask why she shouldn't have said anything about it in front of the daughter and she clearly did for daughter to ask that question mom could have given a reasonable and vague answers that wouldn't give rise to questions she didn't that's her problem not ops not the a-hole hamlet set the bar on this so as long as nobody is poisoned and or stabbed you're cool am i the a-hole or am i not the a-hole that is my question whether tis nobler to hold my tongue or tell my sister the secret shame i cannot wait to go to college opie thou art not the a-hole posted by user oily spinach yummy yummy titled am i the a-hole for not criticizing my boyfriend's cooking until he basically forced me to my boyfriend kyle and i have only been official for the last couple of months usually we hang out at my place but last night he thought it would be nice for me to come over to his apartment as his roommate was out of town visiting his parents he wanted to cook for me which i thought was super sweet until it actually happened so i went over and watched some tv while he cooked he didn't want my help at all which is fine with me because i'm admittedly a pretty crappy cook sometimes i'll make pasta but i do a lot of takeouts he made pork chops and sauteed some spinach when we ate he kept asking if i liked the food the pork chops were great so i told him that the spinach wasn't good he used way too much oil but i didn't really care because it was really not that big of a deal to me but he just kept asking if i liked the dinner like we were talking about work and then he would just bring it back to if i really liked the food i don't know how many times i had to compliment his effing pork chops i was kind of picking at the spinach and he specifically asked me if i liked the spinach i said it was good because i honestly didn't want to get into a whole thing about it because again i really appreciated that he cooked in the first place and some oily spinach didn't matter and it was edible then he was like you're lying why are you lying i then basically said i was eating it and i asked him why he was getting so fudging ticked about it i was pissed off because he was getting so angry when i was trying to be polite and appreciative of his nice dinner he told me he didn't want a liar for a girlfriend this really ticked me off and i told him something like fine your spinach is effing trash it's garbage are you effing happy now i don't think that's exactly what i said but i was like beyond angry he got smug and smiled and was like i knew it was that so hard kyle can be stubborn and obsessed with being right sometimes but on the other hand so can i i told him that he can enjoy the rest of his crappy spinach alone and i bounced out of the apartment we've both texted that last night was crazy but neither of us apologized lol but anyway am i the a-hole he sucks for continually pressuring you to get an answer out of you and to get the truth but it didn't really seem like he was upset when he got his answer i think he just got off on getting the truth out of you and that's fine i mean it's an a-hole thing to do for sure because he got smug and he smiled about it he didn't apologize for upsetting you and i guess you might be the a-hole for being so angry and so blunt about it but again that is the truth and kyle is stubborn and he wouldn't stop asking you unless you did something like that so i think you're justified you're the a-hole in this sense i don't think it was the right thing for you to do i feel like you should have said it in a nicer way but of course you could be not the a-hole for this one since he goaded that out of you i don't know the answer to this one i'm just gonna go with everyone sucks here but you were justified in your a-wholeness and anger updates i showed carl this post and both of us are very amused that the final verdict is we both suck we agree all is well now and he wants you to know that the spinach wasn't that oily lamell everyone sucks here have either of you ever been in a relationship before like one way you had to know how to communicate with other people everyone sucks here right like he needs to learn to back off but at the same time if her reaction was noticeably lukewarm then he may have been concerned with her lack of real communication i know for myself i would rather a person be completely honest than polite it took my boyfriend a while to get used to but i really do prefer a this spinach is straight up nasty to a lukewarm it's fine smiley face opie if your relationship is gonna work both of y'all need to talk and adapt or realize you're not a good match whatever just do something more than politeness and your boyfriends do more than just pushing is it so hard to say if you don't like it it's okay to just say so i agree that how the spinach comment was said was not necessarily nice but it seemed like the guy was berating her to her breaking points yelling at her and calling her a liar i'd be pretty pissed if someone were treating me that way because i refused to negatively comment on their cooking not the a-hole you were being polite and that is the correct polite way of being appreciative of somebody cooking for you when you don't like something he was an a-hole for calling you a liar it is good to note in the future that you should never sugarcoat anything when he is doing something that you don't like but that was totally uncalled for yeah i don't think she owes him a completely honest answer this isn't top chef or something usually when my significant other makes something i don't care for i will say this is good but it's a little salty or this is really nice but i don't like beets sorry the boyfriend has to be mature enough to accept the feedback the girlfriend also needs to chill the hell outs and learn how to give criticism without bursting into a rage over it i would be frustrated in the same scenario but yelling at someone isn't how you vent your frustrations even if they are being rude posted by user haha [ __ ] titled am i the a-hole for embarrassing my sister in front of her baby daddy so i 20 female still live at home with my parents and my four younger siblings my older sister 29 female has her own place where she lives with her son at the start of the lockdown in march my sister decided to come stay with us my sister had started this rude af habit of snapping her fingers to get someone's attention like she will say their name once and then start snapping her fingers in their direction she even does this to my mum and dad my nephew almost too has a habit of copying any actions we do and this would be one of the rudest things for him to learn so i decided to nip it in the bud before it caught on at first i would just tell her to stop doing it because it's rude but she never listens now my sister hates it when my siblings and i treat her like our youngling so i changed tactics and honestly it was more effective than talking to her every time she would start snapping her fingers at anyone i would walk to her push down her hands and in the most patronizing voice i could manage i would say to her use your words brenda we are smart i promise we will understand it works like a charm every time and everyone finds it funny well after many months of this it is now a reflex action as i do it a lot the other day while her baby daddy they're not together was visiting she started snapping her fingers at my mom i was walking by her to go to the kitchen and without thinking i just did the thing and walked on well the baby man was amused he burst out into the loudest laugh and cackled for a while later when he was leaving he told me i was funny and laughed a little more apparently baby men told the story to all their friends and they were laughing about it and my sister has been hissy since but she's not done the same snappy thing again so i guess it worked anyway now everyone is saying that i shouldn't have done that but reddit's am i the a-hole edit to edge when i said it worked like a charm i meant that in that immediate instance she would stop and call the person by their name although she would repeat the snappy thing again later also i had to do it over 10 times a day for almost 8 months so believe me when i say it was reflex you know an action you do without thinking because it's so obvious i didn't really think it was as bad as it was but then i just tried emulating what she's doing and jesus christ that is obnoxious that would annoy me so much if someone just started click click click click hey get my attention click click click click click i can see why op made this post because even just doing that once to me would piss me off so much i can't believe she had to do it ten times a day for almost eight months and i mean you're embarrassed in front of your baby daddy of all people how was that the straw that broke the camel's back when there's so many other people in this world that you could have been embarrassed in front of this woman sounds like she needs to rethink her actions and um it's good that she stopped it's very good that she stopped opie not the a-hole not the a-hole it seems you finally found a solution to her rude behavior she'll get over it i wouldn't have fingers to snap had i done that to my mum lol i'm pretty sure once i woke up in the hospital i wouldn't have had a hand if i tried that crap with my mom my dad didn't tolerate any disrespect toward my mom from anyone the speed and ferocity that the cordless phone came flying at me from my mum would have been record-breaking had i done this not the a-hole op i came to the conclusion long ago especially as a bartender snapping is the absolute rudest way to get someone's attention and honestly if she pulled this in public she probably got way slower service than she would have by just being patient snapping fingers or leaning over the bar and waving money in your face so rude i used to take the money carry on with what i was doing they'd get their money back when it was their turn i'm also part of the contingent that would have no fingers to snap even if i thought about doing that towards my mum the disrespect from the sister is incredible send her back to her own house so you all asked her to stop and she didn't you did the push down hand and be condescending thing for months and she still kept rudely snapping her fingers at you i'm going with you did your best to stop her and she brought this on herself not the a-hole posted by user bad haircuts anger titles am i the a-hole for causing a scene when my hair stylist majorly messed up my hair i know this may sound petty since it's just hair and it'll fix itself in a week but i was really peeved and my friend is calling me an a-hole so i need unbiased opinions earlier this week i went to a hair salon close to my house it was one of those franchised hair salons that have multiple locations around my city i usually keep it pretty simple short on the side long on the top like a pseudo undercuts but without the fade as i was getting my haircuts my stylist was talking to another stylist and not really focusing on what she should be doing which at that point was cutting my hair she kept looking away to gossip to her co-worker well at one point when she was trimming my sideburns she looks away again to talk to her co-worker and ended up buzzing off a clean line from my forehead to just about past my ear and i'm not sure if you'd believe me when i say i'm normally a pretty calm and composed person but i freaked out probably the most i've ever freaked out on another person and my last girlfriend cheated on me and i wasn't as angry as i was at that moment i hopped out of the chair and this is from the best of my memory but i said what the f are you doing why the f are you talking to your coworker when you should be paying attention look at what you did how can someone mess up this bad what the f is wrong with you are you effing new or some crap did you just recently graduate haircut school look i'm not sure what it's called she started apologizing and tried to get me to sit back down saying she can fix it but i didn't trust her anymore and i demanded someone else take her place and i quote i need someone who actually knows how to cut hair i'm not sitting back down and having your incompetent arse continue to cut my hair do you think i'm daft or some crap she just hung her head down and looked like she was about to cry and admittedly i wanted to cry too luckily another stylist just finished her client and so she finished up the job not like there was any way to fix it so she buzzed the rest of my sides and back down and to match the length of the mistake i.e removed the hair since trimming settings on the clippers take it down to nothing now i look like a freaking paintbrush after everything was all said and done they comped my haircuts but i still tossed a few bucks to the stylist that attempted to fix it and i asked for the contact information for the manager and i was on my way i contacted the number later and they told me they were already aware of what happened and it's being investigated now what brings me to why i made this post i was telling my friend about what happened and he thinks i was a major a-hole and i didn't need to freak out that bad and that you probably costed that woman her job over hair that'll grow back yes i know it'll grow back but it's called doing your job and not being distracted while cutting someone's hair jesus effing christ am i the a-hole kind of a hard one to judge because i do think it's in everyone's sexiest situation she definitely shouldn't have been distracted as much as she was during that time but people make mistakes and it's natural to make mistakes i feel like you blew this one way way way out of proportion for what actually happened and i don't particularly think that your actions were justified it comes across as a karen i want to speak to your manager situation if it was me i would have just got back in the chair said hey fix the mistake it's okay accidents happen i don't care too much but that's me personally and everyone reacts to situations differently and everyone has different expectations of people she doesn't escape being an a-hole in this situation from a mistake so that's why everyone sucks here but i think you suck more everyone sucks here yes she really should have been paying attention and not getting distracted by her co-worker while cutting your hair and it's good that you got the cut comped it could have been a lot worse like she might have nipped off a piece of your ear but there really wasn't any need to berate her the way you did she messed up and you were right to get another stylist to fix the mistake but seriously man no need to berate someone like that not the a-hole and what do you mean no reason to berate her she blew it was gossiping and screwed up opie's hair definitely but there's a difference between being angry and yelling at someone and going on an extremely harsh and insulting rant not the a-hole she didn't do her job because she wasn't paying attention hair grows back but that's no excuse you did overreact but that happens not the a-hole because of the not paying attention thing the stylist doesn't have to live with the results of her screw up hair is such a visible feature it's completely understandable to have an emotional reaction to it being done poorly due to an entirely avoidable mistake in another line of work that could get you a missing appendage or worse not to mention the potential physical damage this could have caused if she had been holding something sharper op could have easily been injured i saw a stylist accidentally gesture and let fly a pair of scissors once did someone get hurt luckily no but it wasn't the first time it happened either the woman had previously accidentally slung a comb and a few brushes in people's directions not the a-hole if she had been doing her job instead of talking to a co-worker it wouldn't have happened thank you although with other commenters saying i shouldn't have berated her i'm starting to see that i probably shouldn't have and just kept it to getting someone else to finish up and putting in a proper complaint no not the a-hole you gave her a life lesson she will remember that for the rest of her career being careless has its consequences sure hair grows back but what if she shaved off your eyebrow or nicked your skin or cut off your freaking ear maybe you were a little over the top but she had it coming you don't know how many other people she's done that to who just sat through it alright that's where i think i'm gonna end today's episode guys as always i really do hope you learned something or just really enjoyed the posts that were put up today quick shout out to all my new and existing patreon and channel members you should be able to see your name on screen right now and if you don't then i don't think you're part of the club and you really should join the club because it's a great club and i want to thank every single one of you guys for supporting me in this journey it really means so much to me and i love you all so much for it thank you for helping me out as you can tell i'm now happy and healthy back in australia thank god it's not cold like ireland i don't like wearing jumpers everywhere i prefer the heat thank you very much i know that's an unpopular opinion anyway guys i really do hope you enjoyed today's episode i'll see you in the next one have a good day night sleep whatever you're up to and i'll see you later bye

Channel: Markee

Views: 137,525

Keywords: aita, amitheasshole, r/aita, r/amitheasshole, aita reddit, markee, markee reddit, markee aita, markee amitheasshole

Id: 0Z5s21yaReM

Length: 126min 59sec (7619 seconds)

Published: Mon Jan 11 2021