♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THIS SHOW,
YOU KNOW, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME SOURCING FOR YOU THE
FINEST, MOST TOPICAL CARBON NEWS STEEL, CAREFULLY FORGING IT AT
BETWEEN 780 AND 830 DEGREES, THEN QUENCHING, KILNING, AND
HAND-HAMMERING IT INTO SHAPE AND PAIRING IT WITH A SLEEK ROSEWOOD
HANDLE AND WATER-BUFFALO HORN FERRULE, BEFORE HONING THE
SINGLE BEVEL ON A 6,000 GRIT WHETSTONE, TO CREATE FOR YOU THE
FINE KIKU-ICHI YANAGI BLADE THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, WHEN I'M ON THE
RUN FROM MY UNDERGROUND OSTRICH SMUGGLING RING AND HIGH ON BATH
SALTS AND WALLPAPER GLUE, I SCRAPE AN OLD RAIL SPIKE AGAINST
A CINDER BLOCK UNTIL IT'S JUST SHARP ENOUGH TO FIELD DRESS
ROADKILL, MAKE A HANDLE OUT OF A USED SHOP TOWEL HELD ON WITH
DISCARDED TENNIS RACKET TAPE, ALL SO I CAN CONCEAL IN MY
SLEEVE THE RUSTY DRIFTER SHIV OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
>> "QUARANTINE WHILE!" >> Stephen: QUARANTINEWHILE,
RECENTLY IN NEW MEXICO, A MAN RETURNED FROM SHOPPING AND FOUND
15,000 BEES IN HIS CAR. "HIS" CAR? I THINK AT THAT POINT, IT'S THE
BEES' CAR. APPARENTLY, THE SHOPPER PLACED
HIS GROCERIES IN HIS VEHICLE AND STARTED TO DRIVE OFF BEFORE
NOTICING THE SWARM IN THE BACKSEAT, PROMPTING CAR MAKERS
TO ADD A NEW DASHBOARD WARNING: "CHECK ENGINE AND ALSO YOUR
BACKSEAT FOR 15,000 BEES." QUARANTINEWHILE, IN SAD TECH
NEWS, "YAHOO ANSWERS" WILL BE SHUT DOWN FOREVER ON MAY 4. SO NOW IF YOU WANT ACCURATE
INFORMATION, YOU'LL HAVE TO CONTNUE LOOKING ANYWHERE OTHER
THAN "YAHOO ANSWERS." AND FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T
KNOW, "YAHOO ANSWERS" WAS A FORUM WHERE THE INCOMPETENT
COULD ASK QUESTIONS OF THE UNINFORMED. BUT NOW IT'S GONE, AND THIS IS A
HUGE LOSS. NOW HOW WILL PEOPLE GET ANSWERS
TO IMPORTANT ACTUAL QUESTIONS LIKE, "HOW IS BABBY FORMED?"
FOR YOUR INFORMATION, THEY NEED TO DO WAY INSTAIN MOTHER. IT WAS ON THE NEWS THIS MROING. YOU KNOW WHAT? MAYBE JUST ASK JEEVES. QUARANTINE-WHILE, A MASSIVE
TROVE OF HACKED DATA FROM MORE THAN 500 MILLION FACEBOOK
USERS WAS MADE ACCESSIBLE ON SATURDAY, BUT FACEBOOK ASSURED
USERS THAT "THIS IS OLD DATA THAT WAS PREVIOUSLY REPORTED ON
IN 2019." QUICK TIP HERE, FACEBOOK:
"DON'T WORRY, WE ALREADY LEAKED THIS DATA" IS NOT A GREAT
DEFENSE. THAT'S LIKE YOUR BABYSITTER
GOING "HEY, I DIDN'T LOSE YOUR KIDS. I NEVER KNEW WHERE THEY WERE
TO BEGIN WITH." QUARANTINEWHILE, UNIVERSITY OF
ILLINOIS GYMNAST EVAN MANIVONG RECENTLY GOT CREATIVE WITH HIS
VAULT. CHECK IT OUT:
>> THE SOPHOMORE FROM KANSAS CITY, TOP SCORE OF 14.75 AGAINST
THE BUCKEYES. >> SAME VAULT AS DIAB. OH, AND HE STICKS THE LANDING! NOT SURE WHAT THAT IS. >> I THINK IT'S HIS VACCINE. >> VACCINE CARD. >> Stephen: BOOM! "KISS MY ASS-TRA-ZENECA!"
THAT IS A VERY COOL WAY TO RAISE AWARENESS ABOUT VACCINATION,
BECAUSE IT REALLY MAKES IT SEEM LIKE THE VACCINE IS THE REASON
HE COULD DO THAT, WHICH IS WHY THE F.D.A. WANTS ALL DOSES TO
COME WITH THE LABEL "SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE FEVER, BODY
ACHES, AND NAILING A KAZA-MATZU ONE AND A HALF." QUARANTINEWHILE, IN COLORADO
"A SCIENTIST TAUGHT A.I. TO GENERATE PICKUP LINES" USING A
LANGUAGE MODEL KNOWN AS GPT-3 TO CREATE A SQUAD OF COURTSHIP
BOTS. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS ROMANCE
LIKE "SQUAD OF COURTSHIP BOTS." WHO CAN FORGET SHAKESPEARE'S
FAMOUS LINES: "O, ROMEO, ROMEO. PLEASE FILL OUT THIS CAPTCHA. CLICK ALL THE BOXES WITH TRAFFIC
LIGHTS." SO HOW GOOD ARE THESE
BOT-GENERATED COME-ONS? BUCKLE UP AND PREPARE TO BE
SWEPT OFF YOUR BI-PEDAL ACTUATORS AS I TREAT YOU TO
THESE ACTUAL A.I. PICKUP LINES: ♪ ♪ ♪
I'M LOSING MY VOICE FROM ALL THE SCREAMING YOUR HOTNESS IS
CAUSING ME TO DO. YOU LOOK LIKE JESUS IF HE WERE A
BUTLER IN A RUSSIAN MANSION. MY NAME IS A COMPLICATED
COMBINATION OF 45 DEGREES OF FORWARD MOTION, 25 DEGREES OF
LEFTWARD DRIFT, 75 DEGREES OF UPWARD ACCELERATION, AND
INFINITY, AND THAT IS THE POINT WHERE MY LOVE FOR YOU
STOPS. CAN I SEE YOUR PARTS LIST? IT IS URGENT THAT YOU BECOME A
PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE. 2017 RUGBOAT TWO-TONE NECK TIE
SHIRT. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
YOU LOOK LIKE A THING, AND I LOVE YOU. HEY, MY NAME IS JOHN SMITH. WILL YOU SIT ON MY BREADBOX
WHILE I COOK, OR IS THERE SOME KIND OF SPEED LIMIT ON THAT
THING? AND MY FAVORITE PICK-UP LINE OF
ALL TIME: STICK AROUND. MY GUEST IS PULITZER PRIZE-
WINNING JOURNALIST, RONAN FARROW. AND, NO, THERE IS NO SPEED
LIMIT ON THAT THING. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
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