Proof Darwin was WRONG - Ricky Gervais | Best of ANIMALS | Universal Comedy

i used to uh think we evolved from apes um darwin's theory of evolution through natural selection seemed pretty watertight but in in doing research for this show um i came across a theory um that deviates from darwin's and and i believe that i just found it in a dusty old book in a in a library it's called the bible and uh darwin was wrong um we didn't evolve god made us um so i just want to explain to you exactly how that happened okay the first book of moses commonly called genesis start at the beginning um fairly big book but friday in it lock the doors okay took me four years to get this platform now then listen just think about it blowing it just going door-to-door right okay um some of the things you you're here um do sound a little bit far-fetched i admit that i thought it was weird but um then i found out that the other name for the bible is the gospel so it is all true so luckily clue is in the title okay come on come on the bible okay chapter one in the beginning god created the heaven and the earth it doesn't go into detail um he doesn't need to explain to you you probably understand it because he's got a massive brain yours is little and you go what he goes don't what just trust me i did um and also if he explained it to you it would like ruin the enigma do you know what i mean you'd go that's amazing it's a trick and you go so it's like seeing you know it's like david blaine did something you go oh that is real magic and you go now i'm just standing on one leg and lifting the other up easy so keeps his cards very close to his chest guards good luck good luck drum he can do what he wants he can do anything so he can do what he wants okay here we go in the beginning god created an earth and the earth was without form and void and darkness was on the face of the deep bit dark he sorted that out and god said let there be light and there was light huh and that brilliant hey oh come on that's amazing he just made he made light up just it was dark it was nothing before it's not like he saw someone on holiday and went that'll be good back on earth he made it up do you know he invented there was no there was nothing to go but it wasn't like there was toilet and he went let's have that a little bit brighter he he just went let there be light in there and at the speed of light he didn't know let me be like come on i'm busy it's the first day i've got a lot to do i've only got seven days it just do you know what i mean and he probably didn't have to say it he did say it but he could have gone that's exactly what i was thinking of come on brilliant amazing what are you free your minds listen right okay so he did the light invented it which means that he created the heaven and the earth in the dark how good is that i'd have gone right let's have a little bit of license watch let's see what we're doing right i need some planets um he went that's everything let's have a look brilliant why animals uh i hear you ask well i've always been fascinated with them for an early age i mean anything to do with natural history and um this show is sort of uh life on earth the bits david attenborough left out um and he's getting on it but he's not gonna be around forever i can if i start now soon if when he i can you know what i mean and he's he's getting very slow that blue planet thing that took him five years i bet the bbc were going what's he doing we've seen it come on that that half hour so i'm not saying i'm not pushing myself forward but i think um well he's a bit of a hero of mine actually um david and the blue planet is a worker genius and it did take five years to make so i was um i was pleased when he was rewarded uh with a nomination at last year's broadcast awards for innovation lost out to banzai think of his little old face do you know what i mean i bet he was sitting there as dicky burn everything with the producers and they go and the nominations are blue planet banzai no don't don't and the winner is as old but it was halfway to the stage i never i'd have got the pan laughter i said what what do you mean band's eyes what i showed a whale getting mugged we like shaky hand man fair enough fair enough animals have been used in war traditionally for you know forever i mean cavalry and they used to send in dogs and goats to rip up the horse's underbelly in a 10th century and stuff and i was looking on the um uh the us navy website was searching the show and uh look at the personnel and they've got in the u.s marines absolutely true they've got a 90 strong team of um sea lions and dolphins and they're trained to take these depth charges down and drop them under submarines and blow this i mean they don't know what they're doing they don't have a bit of fish but it's still which i mean i think mainly it's the dolphins that do all the dangerous stuff and the sea lions are more for morale when they get back going that was brilliant are you going to do tomorrow's i i would i think i've got a bit of whooping cough coming on so you're doing a brilliant job um um i did a lot of research on the internet for this uh lecture and um it is the greatest resource in the world but it's sort of clogged up with people doing homemade websites about themselves i said it's stuff like my name is rupert this is my cat thanks very much uh here are my favorite cure songs in order i don't give a no and there's trivia websites where people sort of go on there and add to them something they have to share with the world like i think we care and uh they credit themselves they must wake up in a cold sweat and go i must tell the world this and this is a real one um the peanut is not a nut it is a legume few i want to share with you some of my favorite ones this is a from deb and jen's world of trivia so it's a real website that everyone goes on to and uh page 3 of 84. my favorite the animal facts of course now some of these are true some of them are a little bit embellished some i'm not sure about but always think of the person who's telling us this why is telling the world this what is his motivation what's he thinking right okay there we go you can lead a cow upstairs but not down that's true by the way it's the way their their joints don't oppose so a cow will go upstairs but it won't go think of the poor bastard who found that out the hard way um but they come on daisy down you go oh i can't go downstairs my joints i don't care about your joints my wife's coming home in five minutes get down the stairs stairs um have you seen those blow up cows and blow up sheet you're getting in and summers and sex shops now the point of a blow-up doll is presumably for a man who can't get a real woman how are you if you can't get a real sheep not even an ugly one i just i've never i just i've never been a fan of bestiality i'm sure you're not either but there was a there was a kid in my class who was fascinated by it right he wasn't into it but it's like 14 or 15 and anything like weird or you know incredible he was the king of the apocryphal tale there was one he came in once we're about 14 or 15 remember and he came in and i swear he actually said this okay it's a little bit disgusting but he said i apologize right but he did say this right and he came in he said if you want a really good wank right go on with 14 we need tips he said what you do is right you sit in the bath right fill it with water you get an erection and you get the water level so your helmet's like a little island right yeah go on yeah go on yeah effort right and then you get a blue bottle or a big fly right oh this is the really horrible bit you pull its wings off and you put it on your helmet yeah put on your helmet and he said why because he said because it can't fly or swim it runs round and round really fast and that makes you come are these dirty little what order do you do that in do you sit in the bath get it all ready and go right i hope the fly comes in one soon or do you catch it go man run the bath quick i mean what a way to die but there are over a million species of animal um and uh we've got to be vague because we're finding new ones and classifying new ones every i say we i haven't i'm not no i want you to go away and say it's all juveniles because he's classified i don't i haven't i've done very little to actually towards the i've done nothing towards it but there's there's a million right and combined with plants there could be up to six million uh species there are there are 300 types of parrot there are 800 types of triangular not spider just tarantula there are a thousand types of bat i don't think you need a thousand types of bat to be honest but i think a lot of that's nitpicking i think we could clump a few there's probably about eight types already i reckon that's zoologist quota finland getting money for everyone they find it's got a gran found another one have you yet look what is it very slightly longer back look that just yeah all right any more yeah chubby butt have you just been over feeding a pippa stroke there are more species of fish than mammal burden reptile put together and is a very frightening statistic by the end of this lecture and it is a lecture um by the end of this lecture we will lose two species of animal i won't be talking about them it's not worth it it's uh wasted your time and mine so let's move on um okay oh there goes one it's all right it's a nat not the big one oh not the panda oh all the panda oh let's save the panda we are we're not shooting it we're not eating it we're not we're cut we're giving it cash i mean it's not meeting us halfway is it it's not shagging to be honest i don't you when did it stop doing that i mean it's as evolved as any other it's been around for millions of years when did it go not doing that anymore thought no dirty i'm not what are you doing playing with a tile i'm not shagging her is that the choice one well there you're not you're rare we can't no i don't like her not all gorillas are that big obviously yes but they're still pretty big you see a mountain gorilla up close in the zoo or you know in the world kill it before it keep now i'm joking they're very they're very passive they're honestly very passive totally vegetarian um unlike some great apps like chimps and bonobos they get a bloodlust their hunter monkey a gorilla will only ever eat vegetation they will never attack and it's provoked and um this was illustrated quite well a few years ago do you remember when that uh little toddler fell in the gorilla enclosure at the zoo uh he was about three and uh he fell down and he um knocked himself unconscious and this big silverback his name was jambo just started walking towards him and the people he was with and the people at the zoo they were going to spare they were screaming they didn't know what to do there their wits end they filmed it didn't completely lose the plot they probably figured if we lose him we make 250 quid i mean ensure it's not a complete disaster send it back jerry biddle that big one off emmerdale oscillator merman trude um and uh i don't know um i don't much like that but the um the mountain gorilla came and sat with him just looked after him until the authorities got in shooed him away and it was fine the kid was absolutely fine and they didn't send her but it was fine it was a happy ending and that's fairly typical i was watching that with my nan and she was getting on a bit then and uh well she's dead now but and uh it's true she said she said look at that he was lucky because usually they gobble them straight up usually how many kids are she thinking thrown to the gorillas in her time she also said right ah she's dead now but she was on the way then and um on the neck up but uh she uh remember the strange ways riots about 10 years ago and the prisoners were up on the roof for about three days and the guards and police couldn't do anything they were ripping the place to pieces they were putting the tiles off when they were just throwing it down for about three days she went look at them they should be locked up you

Channel: Universal Comedy

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Keywords: Comedy, Universal Comedy, Universal, Stand Up, Stand Up Comedy, Comedian, Stand Up Comedian, best, stand, up, stand up, live, lol, joke, laugher, comedy, standup, stand up comedy, kevin, bridges, michael, mcintyre, lee, evans, satire, ricky gervais golden globes, ricky gervais show, ricky gervais stand up, ricky gervais science vs religion, ricky gervais stand up full, ricky gervais vs god, ricky gervais holy bible, ricky gervais darwin

Id: gv0NFBEMf60

Length: 15min 6sec (906 seconds)

Published: Sun Dec 19 2021