The Book Of noah

37,000 different species of spider 37,000 different species of spider I mean millions and billions of individuals in each species and that's just one class arachnid of one phylum Arthropoda there could be five million species of animal alive now on the earth best guess okay and that's one percent of all animal species that have ever existed ninety-nine percent of all animal species that ever existed are now extinct and that remaining one percent is five million strong take one of those species termites if we were to weigh every termite alive now it would be ten times the tonnage of every human being on earth and it statistics like that that make me think that this book isn't totally accurate it's the book of Noah the children's edition um I actually got this awarded to me when I used to go to Sunday school every week I believed in all this too there was eight um sin add this Sunday school presented to Ricky Gervais czar I double K I like a [ __ ] mongoose right for regular attendance not even for being good at anything just for turning up right he's always here give him a prize here be back thank you thank you let's have a look at the evidence long long ago when God first made the earth I let both those points go we haven't got time right long long ago by the way according to the Bible was 5000 years according to the Old Testament the earth is no older than five thousand years old okay it's actually 4.6 billion years old let's pop bang popper 4.6 billion years ago when God first made the earth and sky oh I don't big it up it's like it comes as a package really doesn't it I mean so I mean the sky was never an optional extra it's like God made you a planet I can't breathe would you like an atmosphere course I [ __ ] would so well done but everything was peaceful everything beautiful God made human beings too and he was intent to be good like himself arrogant but very soon they wanted their own way they would not listen to God they became wicked and did wicked things look I'm doing wicked things there you don't get much more wicked than that dear [ __ ] I'll [ __ ] off wicked we [ __ ] off wicked God just looking on I'll carry on co-op and see what happens I'll see weapons yeah how's he levels bloke they're running off with a big bag of money don't put it in a bank you can oh my god looked at them and said to himself they are so wicked I will have to wipe them off the face of the earth really really straight to genocide what happened to one verbal and two written warnings strip straight to the annihilation of the entire human race because of fatty yellow trousers pick someone's nose really anger-management Matt just calm the [ __ ] down let's chocolates just you let's talk about this Wow I read that to karl Pilkington right who is yes yes head like a [ __ ] orange I know yeah and I read that bit to him they are so wicked I'll have to I'm gonna face the earth and Karl said he sounds gay I said what what do you mean he went some gays were a bit like that he thought God was like having a hissy fit like I know they treat me like a bastard I'm gonna treat them like a bye Michelle that when a wife Marga I said Karl God is not gay okay read the Bible he hates them they are so wicked I would have to wipe them off the face of the earth and every living thing with him what's the squid ever done gone mad what but he's not guy God is not gay but there was one man who was still very good his name was Noah he was a friend of God just a friend so don't know just a friend a friend with big hoop earrings Rouge what what's he do he lives in a cave what's he doing with this what Owen what are you doing seeing God you never know handlebar moustache holding God's hand who's wearing a blouse God is not gay God said to Noah I am so angry with men you mean men and women whatever I am so angry with men that I've made my mind up to destroy them all I have stretched my bow in the sky is a rainbow that's got to be the world's first pun hasn't it it will make so much rain pour down on earth so everything will be drowned but not you I want you to build an ark it must be like a big boat with three decks and a roof over it yeah I know how to build a boat mate this is and you will make a door in the side of it do you think a plea idea I don't know I did exactly what God told him and then God said to Noah now okay okay now this is aimed at children admittedly but it's taken from the Old Testament story in the Bible um but I don't think the author of this book is a zoologist um as we've said there could be five million species of animal I don't think he knows them all the way backs out very quickly in this next sentence okay I want you to take two of every kind of animal with you into the ark two lions two tigers two elephants and so on what I've got lions tigers elephants so on on you go look after them well and keep them alive and now I did what God said now I had to study that scenario okay so God is angry with mankind he's fed up than their wicked right he's gonna wipe them out and just start again with no and his wife he's angry with the animals too for some reason I don't so he's gonna start again with just two of each species cause a flood they build nah no goes right to every speed - just do what quick first - oh there's a stampede mmm - elephants do - tucán just walking it's no rush just strolling baby I think this one is a bit more concerned than this one this one's probably going should we fly nah no no I could do this all night No aah sure yeah I mean we oh you've got wings you've got feet as well why don't you want to push in the elephant's looking at me funny yeah hi [ __ ] hammer Hey if you try and push it I'm gonna stamp on you you you big nose [ __ ] hold on are you calling big nose what do you mean no I just pot calling kettle black what the [ __ ] does that mean what is pot we know four pots but I'll forget it I can't forget it I'm a [ __ ] elephant Oh two camels two lions two ostriches two leopards two tigers two zebra ah here's the crux of my point just one species on the ark at the moment the giraffes I got there first longer legs okay five million more species to to get on there so two of it so two two animals on the ark of the moment ten million more animals to go ten million more of those okay ten million okay as far as 10 million of them to get on there just to on there at the moment look how much room there already taken up it's a third capacity what's it going to be like on there when these two fat [ __ ] get on then God bent the bar of his anger in the rain came flooding down covering the earth with water it rained for 40 days and nights the flood water rose higher and higher until it covered the tops of the highest mountains every living thing was drowned except Noah and the animals in the ark and the fish they were fine weren't they were fine they were loving it they were better off in fact all the sea creatures I mean mountains underwater their domain had increased like tenfold also it's so much more interesting you got crabs going on a [ __ ] Mountain this is amazing I never want this flood to it I've never been up here before I think of that when you see on the news like if there's a little village in Gloucester flooded or something there's really sad you see people have lost their homes and they're in dinghies and they're carrying their pets and you see a little row of antique shops completely underwater and I think of a fish just looking in the window of an antique shop for the first time so that's a shares longed for a hundred and fifty days the earth was covered with water that narrow over the window the Ark and looked out the water seemed to be going down but how could he be sure we'll ask God you've been chatting to him all the way through why are we why are they getting cryptic all of a sudden he sent a raven out but it soon came flying back it could find nowhere to settle no wait is another week can he sent out a dove why did the Raven lose his job but the Dove came back to see the Raven wasn't bullshitting this is there was still no dry land anywhere but one day the Dove flew out and why did the Dove get a second go and not the raven racist but one day the dove flew out and brought back a green olive branch and no one knew that God was no longer angry then God told Noah to let the animals out of the ark then was once fulfill the earth when living things the first thing Noah did was to build an altar he offered a sacrifice to God to thank him for saving them and Noah said Oh Mike a pact to friendship with you I would never again send a flood to destroy the earth the rainbow which I put in the sky will no longer be a sign of my anger but a sign of peace it will be a sign of my friendship with men please his eyes that is how it is used today they took it literally it will be a sign of my friendship with men which begins today in which my son Jesus will one day prove by shedding his blood for men who your see it was there wasn't a teaser campaign in the Old Testament but coming soon the sequel and so when you've done wrong and you are feeling very sad about it think of the rainbow and the peace which God wants to put into your heart he has promised to be your friend promised to be his and that's just one of 12 in the dove book series um I've only got one number 9 now I think my favorite would be number 8 just from the title Jesus and the [ __ ] thank you Cheers

Channel: fantasy0coach

Views: 2,111,336

Keywords: Gervais, noah, ark, god, bible, jesus, religion, church, comedy, stand-up, funny

Id: xggQqUyLrCM

Length: 14min 43sec (883 seconds)

Published: Mon Apr 25 2011

Reddit Comments

[u/[deleted]]

http://www.reddit.com/r/atheism/comments/hp232/ricky_gervais_on_noahs_ark/

:(

[u/badhairguy]

'tis my other half. Get off reddit and make me a sammich!