[Shadow Warrior theme plays] Okay kids, this is gonna be a fun one. I get to play a game I like, but also I get to hate it because the designers were diamond-hard dicks about it. I've been playing Shadow Warrior since I was way too young to be playing Shadow Warrior. It's one of those old FPS games where you run fast, hit hard, and if it moves, kill it as fast as possible. Cause while your enemies are a little stupid, homing missiles are foolproof. You start your game up, right? But I'm awesome, so obviously we're putting this on the highest skill, and in all honesty I've never even played most of this game on this skill. Usually I go for Who Wants Wang because I'm 12. [Lo Wang]
"Who want some Wang?!" [Civvie]
No, but seriously, it's not like in DOOM where the monsters respawn every 30 seconds on Nightmare. Coincidentally, I bind the medkit in my inventory to one of my mouse buttons because this game can be a little bit punishing. [Lo Wang]
Ah, better than acupuncture. [Civvie]
Like all these old games, they can be conquered if you're willing to be a badass ninja like Lo Wang. That's a thing everyone should want. How badass? Well, in Lo Wang's dojo where you start the game, if you toss a shuriken at the gong behind the door, a secret opens Revealing that Lo Wang keeps a nuclear warhead in there. You know, in case he needs it. Lo Wang, a man with a Chinese name, lives in Japan and works for Orochi Zilla And I think he lives in Japan. The first level is called Seppuku Station - Hi, Randy Pitchford - I'm blaming you for all the dickish parts. So I kinda have to talk about the racial humor in this game, where Lo Wang says things with an accent that- [Lo Wang]
Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream... Whoo, I think my dingy hanging out! [Civvie]
Most of them don't make me cringe anymore, but that one still gets me. if you're offended by this, Turn his speech off, because this game still kicks ass, and I can, with all honesty say that this dumb 90's shooter had no effect on my views of Asian culture, because anyone who would take any of this seriously needs to reevaluate themselves as people. The developers at no point were tried to make an accurate representation of anything and were purposefully going over the top in an homage to cheesy martial arts movies they'd seen, instead of cheesy horror movies they'd seen, cheesy action movies they'd seen, more cheesy horror movies they'd seen... but, you know, you could always make the character young and into comic books, because "pandering". Nah, kids, I don't hate those Shadow Warrior reboot games, but that always bugged me. Anyway, let's slice two motherfuckers up with a sword which is how this game opens [Ninja]
Zilla sends his regards to Lo Wang. [Slicing noises] [Lo Wang]
*Laughs* You no mess with Lo Wang. [Civvie]
So, Lo Wang worked for Orochi Zilla, and Zilla wanted to take over the world. So Lo Wang - not really wanting that to happen because it really tanks the market for assassins when everyone's dead - Well, he quits and Zilla sends two weak-ass zombie ninjas to try and kill him. Yeah, not happening. But don't forget the fifty more ninjas, suicide bombers, ghosts and killer fish. this secret right, here with the grenade launcher, What you really want to do is pop off a grenade or two into the window across the room so you can kill these guys, And then go in there to get a second Uzi. [Lo Wang]
Be proud, Mister Woo. [Civvie]
I know what you're saying. All you have in this first level as far as weapons go is a sword, your fists, shuriken, a grenade launcher and two Uzis. That just won't do. So you go to this secret and get the riot gun, a four barrel shotgun that- [Riot gun proceeds to obliterate four Ninjas and a ghost] Oh, boy, it's just beautiful. And a missile launcher, probably the most important weapon to have. Kiss your ass good-bye without it. Yeah, see these things? Coolies, which - yeah, I know, is a racist term for miners from like the 1800's or some shit, but they're actually zombies that suicide bomb you. And when they're done, their fuckin' spirit leaves their body and tries to kill you, unless you turn them into gibs first. [Civvie demonstrates proper gibbing procedure of a Coolie zombie] I've played this a few times and I know that there's kind of an end-level boss here. A mini boss - the deadliest enemy in the game: the Shadow Ninja! [Rocket launcher fire, interspersed with Shadow Ninja fire bombs] See, your Brown Pants Ninjas are barely a threat. Your Red Pants Ninjas fire rockets at you. Gray Pants will shoot grenades, Orange will shoot homing missiles, and you don't think you can get worse than homing missiles, until... [Shadow Ninja lays down hellfire as Lo Wang jumps, weaves and returns fire] This motherfucker one-hits you no matter what. Oh, he's got fire bombs, he's got flash bombs, He's got whatever the fuck this is. And while the flash bombs don't kill you, they'll blind you, and you might as well load your save there cause you're already dead. They are the worst and I know one's coming up in this subway. So let's nuke the bastard. [Nuke launcher voice]
Stand by. Three. Two. One. All systems ready. Warning.
[Nuke launches] [Lo Wang]
Just like Hiroshima. [Civvie]
Okay, that is in pretty bad taste. Ah goddammit! oh you Greg, you motherfucker! You get stuck between a mounted machine gun that takes at least three rockets to break, but then the game spawns a Shadow Ninja behind you, and unless you know he's gonna be there, ugggghhh. And I'm out of explosive weapons from having to take down all these guys, and I'm not actually tough enough to melee them because that would be instant death. You know what? I feel like my honor's at stake. I-I have auto-aim on and it wouldn't feel right to keep it on. A ninja doesn't use auto-aim, even if the game was designed for it. It's fun, because the way death works in this game: you press any key to restart the level, and I die so quickly - and unexpectedly sometimes - that I don't even see it. Zilla Construction lets you know you're in for a bad time. There's Ninjas everywhere. There's Red Ninjas shooting missiles. There's Coolies everywhere. There's Shadow Ninjas - Just so many Shadow Ninjas. There's fights in this game that require a certain level of precision, you know, some finesse. [Nuke launcher voice]
Warning. [Lo Wang]
I like nuclear weapons. [Civvie]
That works too. You need to be behind a wall or something. You won't survive a nuke blast if you stick around to see it - you just won't. You get to meet the Rippers here, too - they're terrible. They make ugly noises when I shoot them and they take a lot of punishment. My hatred of them drives me to test myself - by beating them into chunks of different creatures. [Lo Wang]
I must seek out Master Liep's advice. [Civvie]
Lo Wang's master, Master Liep lives here and Lo Wang needs to talk to him about plot stuff, but first we have to massacre like a hundred Ninjas, including our old pal Shadow Ninja in like the third room - the fucker. There's a secret in the ceiling here where you find this chick pooping, and I'd like to point out here what happens when Lo Wang tries to proposition a woman in this game. [Lo Wang]
Hey, baby. Pull my finger! *Laughs* [Pooping girl]
You jerk! [Civvie]
Yeah, put away your outrage, cause I don't think this game is rewarding that kind of behavior. Anyway, because this is a Build engine game, we need to explode fucking everything all the time. And I tell you, there's nothing quite like exploding everything in the Build engine. I don't know what it is exactly, but the way the walls blow out, the way the screen shakes, the way the sound of the explosions rumbles everywhere, they're so satisfying across the board in these games. Shadow Warrior's no slouch. I mean, you probably blow up half this level. Nope. [Nuke launcher voice]
Stand by. Warning.
[Nuke fires] [Lo Wang]
Just like Nagasaki. [Civvie]
So I jump off a cliff after this rabbit, because you land in water, so I don't take damage, because it's a secret. It's a fun one, too. I really like it. You find Jackie Chan's coffin. [Lo Wang]
Ancient Chinese secret. *Laughs* Welcome to real life, Mister Chan. [Civvie]
I got no problem with Jackie Chan, man. It's just..don't-don't even get me started on the fucking fortune cookies. But aside from that part, you have to jump around this volcanic mountain and...Oh, the bees. Ugh, I hate the bees. [Civvie]
Katie don't you dare. Don't you dare. I swear to God! STOP. If I had auto-aim on they'd be less of a problem, but fuck it - let's punch 'em out of the air! [Lo Wang]
It is good day to die. [Civvie]
I don't know exactly what I'm gonna find around this corner, you know, besides a cluster of Ninjas, but I'd like to be safe. [Nuke launcher voice]
Three. Two. One. All systems ready. [Civvie]
Oh, look: two Shadow Ninjas. How about NO. [Nuke launcher voice]
Warning. [Lo Wang]
Like Chinese New Year fireworks! [Lo Wang]
Master Liep! What have they done?! [Master Liep]
Your training is complete, Lo Wang. Avenge...my...death... [Civvie]
So here's what we know about master Liep in this game: It was the nineties, kids; we're still a year out from Half Life, so we barely have a story. Be thankful for what you have, because the designers were more focused on making a game people enjoyed playing. [Nuke launcher voice]
Warning. [Civvie cursing at how quickly he died and reloaded]
Fuck, Fuck! More Rippers, and I'm sick of wasting ammo on them. So let's just deal with this the old-fashioned way, like my ancestors did - punching 'em into gibs. You gotta understand when you play this game right;
You feel like a badass ninja. Nope nope nope, cannot punch! Dark Woods of the Serpent, which you may remember a little bit from that time I was playing it in the Aliens: Colonial Marines video, but, here...oh, this one's a bloodbath. [Lo Wang]
Bonzai! [Civvie]
There's only a million Ninjas in this dojo that's located down a firetrapped ramp underneath a volcanic mountain. [Master Liep]
Avenge my death. [Civvie]
Man, I don't even know you, but I'm gonna avenge the shit outta you. Ah, The Dark Woods of the Serpent. Get your explosives ready, and then get your Quick Save button ready. Turning auto-aim off was a mistake. The woods themselves are full of Rippers and bees and Coolies, and I don't have a nuke at the moment so I'm just gonna shoot grenades down there. I'm still a little shocked by the number of monsters. Now we're getting brutal: once you've made your way into the village, you better be a master ninja by this point or just uninstall the game, because you ain't going any further. [Punches] [Katana swinging] [Missile firing] [Riot gun fire] [Death by bee] [Civvie]
You need to find a repair kit in this level so you can fix this tank, which is something Lo Wang knows how to do. [Lo Wang]
I am warrior, not repair man! [Civvie]
As soon as you do, get ready to experience the clunkiness of some of the first, if not THE first vehicle combat in a first-person shooter. It's weird, I mean, you kind of have tank controls because, well, it's a tank. But word got out that the unstoppable, badass shogun assassin got a tank and everybody wants a piece. [Tank firing repeatedly] [Squish] See this little hut? You can't see the Ninjas in there. They have rocket launchers, but I know they're in there because something in there is bleeding. Now - Oh, now, we get into, uh... Okay, this area is called Ripper Valley. There's a very good reason for that. So here's my strategy: [Nuke launcher voice]
Stand by. Three. Two. One. All systems ready. [Lo Wang]
It is good day to die. [Teleporter noise] [Nuke launcher voice]
Warning. [Lo Wang]
Oh! Hey! you make mistake there! [Teleporter noise] [Nuke launcher voice]
Warning. [Civvie]
Because launching a small nuclear device and barely missing the blast zone - this is why I love games like this. Because any shooter nowadays can have you sit at a gun and mow down ten thousand Nazis or brown people or commies or whatever, but you're never gonna play Call of Duty and say, "Oh, yeah, I nuked a whole valley full of evil ninjas and demonic gorillas and then came back, saw that some stuff wasn't dead, jumped around them, picked up another nuke, and made the fuckers regret not laying down from the last nuclear strike!" [Nuke launcher voice]
Warning. [Lo Wang]
Dying times here. Now comes the magic carpet ride. Oh, fuck me fucking sideways, which incidentally is what this section does. Look at all these Ninjas. This has got to be like twice as many Ninjas as they have on the Hard mode. Here's another death that happened so fast that my ninja reflexes put me right into the start of the level. I think it was the explodey zombie, but it could have been the five Ninjas shooting me. Look, there's four giant momma Rippers down there, I'm used to two, that's... It's okay. All my grenades are gone. I'm down to one giant Ripper. So, you know what? I must preserve my honor. Boss time, kids! We're done with the Shareware episode, which is only four levels. But don't let that fool you - this snake can be deadly, but master ninja that I am, I survive this fight just fine. He runs away when he realizes that I'm not here to breach a door and neutralize the enemy comm systems. I'm here to throw down! [Lo Wang]
Oh, like I'm scared of little snake?! *laughs* [Nuke launcher voice]
Warning. [Snake boss]
Ah, luck is with you, Lo Wang. We will meet again. [Lo Wang]
Hey! Come back here and finish fight! Ogrey, scaley snake shit-face. [Civvie]
That's the first episode, kids. And if that looked hard, it's nothing compared to the full game. You guys want to play this? The DOS version is free on Steam. So. [Lo Wang]
Ordering game is only way to keep honor! [Results music]
his channel is great
"Ordering game is only way to keep honor!!!"
game's free