So! What do you think? It looks pretty fun! Thank you! I call it 'Portal Tale'! The tale of an unfortunate test-subject lost deep within the facility. Good idea! The graphics are a little
dated though... It's retro! Retro games are all the rage these days! ...easier to animate too! Hello! And welcome back to Meet The Cores! The series that peels back the science... ...revealing the beating mechanical heart
of the Aperture Science research facility! In today's episode, we'll be
visiting the gel production station and...uh... ...um... ...a...construction site? Heh...I don't actually know what's going on here... What you're looking at here is the brand-new Aperture Science Bridge Construction Initiative! Now I don't pretend to know
exactly why we're doing it... I mean we could just...portal across that gap! ...but where's the fun in that?! Alright, that looks good! Let's bring in
the truck! ...wait, who's driving the truck?! Three! Two! One! GO! Aw heck! Gravity can be a cruel, cruel
mistress... Lord Vader, we've captured the droid you were looking for! You fool! You brought the Adventure Core to my Death Star?! He'll ruin everything! So, Adventure Core...we meet again. Sure looks that way! Join me...and together, we can rule the galaxy... as man and machine! What will become of our adventurous hero?! Find out next time on... STAR CORES! Wow! These shows are getting crazier every week! How do they make these things anyway?! It's all animated and computer-generated! ...but it looks so realistic... The wonders of modern technology! [TV] - Do you often find that your badges don't sparkle as much as your personality? ...YES! Yes I do! [TV] - No self-respecting core is complete without the Aperture Science Badge Buffer! Order yours tod- Hello?! Yes! I'll take seven! Why.... it'll be SO shiny, folks will see
themselves in it, and therefore get a decent side-by-side comparison with me! Helping them truly grasp how much more perfect I am than the average core! Now....it's time to shine! ...urgh.... [off-screen] - It's beautiful isn't it? After decades of neglect, Nature has reclaimed the enrichment center. It really is something... Oh...where are my manners? - I'm Rose, the botanical core. I've dedicated my existence to studying and understanding the wonders of this local ecosystem. SOME people think that shooting test-subjects is 'science'... You don't?! Oh goodness no...I'm more interested in the science of plants! Besides...plants can be JUST...as deadly... ....huh..... Plants are amazing things, aren't they?! Ooh! Actually, hm! Follow me! I wanna show you something... I've been dabbling in some bio-engineering... and the results speak for themselves! ...heh! Whoa.....wait....is that a potato?! What kind of experiments did you DO?! Oh, you know..th..the 'normal'...uh...plant...kind of...experiments? ...right... Look - I injected them with some...eh,
'questionable' Praying-Mantis DNA I found lying around the labs, heh... ...no big deal?... Uh, your potato just walked away... WHAT?!! ...oh not again!... Well met, weary traveler... You appear before me seeking quests and epic loot-filled adventures, no? Umm....yeah? Then I have just the quest for you my friend! You see I used to be an adventurer, just like yourself... ...until I grew tired of the endless fetch-quests... ...my GOD those were tedious! Your quest, however, should you choose to accept it, is to meet all the other cores in the facility. Meet ALL of them, and I shall bestow upon you, the most enviable of rewards... A 'Death-Seeking', flaming sword of Inevitable DOOM!!! .....I don't need a sword. Oh? ...boots then? +5 dexterity...Boots of the... ...uh... ...Everlasting Fungal Infection! ...erm... Okay, maybe you don't need the boots... Look, just find all the cores you can, and get back to me. I'll give you....er....something. Oh hey! This here is the gel-mixing and testing station! Yes sir, we've got gels to make you high! We've got gel to make you fly! And gel to make you...um, portal! Hmph! And some of our, er, 'less successful' prototypes... This puppy here left us in a... 'sticky' situation! Heh...aye, it worked perfectly!..... ...ah, right up until the test-subjects started, er, projectile vomiting from vertigo and disorientation... Which is impressive considering 75% of the test-bias was robots, and that's 'nae in their specification! Aye, it was 'nae pretty...made the janitor's life hell too... Aye, back in the early days Aperture experimented with all kinds of crazy stuff... ...hell, sometimes the gel wasn't even gel! Uhh, we try to forget that happened... And then there's this beauty! Aye, it burns test-subjects that stand on it for too long! We call it 'The Floor Is Lava'! What is it made of? Ehh, it's...it's just lava... I...don't know what I expected. We've got SO much lava here...what are we meant to do with it?! We have a patent on lava! ...seriously! Can you believe we were granted a patent on lava?! It's a natural thing! Nobody invented lava! But we have the patent! We could effectively sue any volcano we wanted! Would you like some lava?! I can have some put in a little bag for you...take it away! Uh, no thank you, I'm okay! Go on, have it, treat yourself! Have some lava - seriously! We have SO much lava! Ah, that is quite alright... No it's NO trouble! Take some home for the kids; they'll love it! You know, I really DO have enough lava... *tut*...fine...suit yourself... ...no, put the lava back in the vat! He doesn't want any! Doesn't want the lava!
- no, leav- I know, I KNOW, it's fine! Aye, we've got gels for every occupation and occasion! Mobility, sanitation, catering, birthdays, siege-warfare, funerals..... That's quite the mix! ..mix? ...MIX?! [Announcer] - ENGAGING GEL SAFETY PROTOCOL DO. NOT. MIX. THE GELS!!! Infinite acceleration! Infinite propulsion! Infinitely deadly... ...sometimes we let it out at the Christmas party! Heh, oh, it's a right laugh, bouncing around like that! Ohohoh! Oh gosh, it's killed so many people, ehehe, it's great! ...it's not, it's very sad... Um...is this safe? Oh aye, it's perfectly safe! ...so long as the shield stays on! Three hour buffer-cycle?! ...I've got more important things to do! No one has seen my beautiful face ALL afternoon! They'll be distraught! Hmm...'turbo' - that's more like it! Fast! Extreme! Like me. Let's give that a go! Uhoh. Ugh, right up me' drive-shaft! Oh, hallo! And welcome to the Aperture
Science Research and Development division! Forget all the 'portal-guns' and 'toxic goo' - this is where REAL science happens! [Flying Turret] - I'M FLYING! ...'deadly' science, is the best science! Come on in! I'll give you ze tour! We'll start with the most impressive piece of technology in the whole R&D division! Ooh! What does it do? I have no idea! I have no idea!
- oh It hasn't worked in years! Could just be a really impressive popcorn-maker for all I know... Oh, isn't she beautiful? ...uhuh!..... Oh, you'll like this!... Any subjects killed during testing, involuntarily donated their brains to science! The day we figured out how to pour them into computers, everything changed! Sentient toasters, home security systems, intelligence-dampening spheres... ...the possibilities are endless! [Toaster] - Is now a bad time to tell you that I have a wheat allergy? ...wait, I'm not the only one hearing that, right? Oh no! NOT AGAIN! [URGH!!]
Oooh, ooh oh, oh!!! Oooh, ooh!!! Uhhh..... Well...it's a good thing we made digital backups of all those brains... ...or that would have been a real...HEADACHE!....ehe! Too soon? ...mmm...too soon..... What IS all this stuff? Oh, that junk? That's just crap we brought back through the Multi-Verse portal. ...wait, the multi-what-now?! ...you know! The Multi-Verse portal! It's right there! ...how did I miss that?! I heard rumors...but... I never thought it was real... Oh......it's VERY real...... Want to take it for a spin?! Uhh...I erm....er...sure? Oh, one thing you should know; we have no way of knowing 'exactly' where it will take you... ...the Multi-Verse IS infinite, after all... But that's part of the fun! ...and you're sure this is safe? Ohoh, of course! It's perfectly safe! ...yeah I've heard THAT before... ...wait, you're not coming with me? GOD NO!!! ..er..I.. ...eh..heh...I mean..er.... ...no. One of us needs to stay here and maintain the portal! Just...make sure to come right back if anything tries to... ...eat you. ...it's best if you don't think about it. Here goes nothin'... ...what the?..... [Dr. Alma through the portal]
What can you see in there?! I have NO idea... Woah... [large ominous growl off-screen] That can't be good... [ANGRY GROWL] Okay! [ANGRY GROWL] SHUT IT DOWN! [terrified shivering] [terrified shivering]
See? I told you it was fun! [terrified shivering] *Humming* A - I'm adorable!
B - I'm so beautiful!
C - I think I'm cute! D - I'- AWH!!! Ewh! Oh, what's that?!! OH! IT'S ALL OVER MY FACE! AH!! *GASP* Eeehh! Nnngh! *squeaks* Hey there! Welcome to the Aperture
Science un-manned gift-shop! We've got your Aperture-brand alarm-clocks, sweaters, mugs, mouse-mats... ...you name it, we've got it! That is quite the selection! Sure is! Back in the day, we had a thriving community here! All those tours and 'bring your daughter to work days' were great for business! Say; can I interest you in our fine range of mini turret figurines? No thank you, but they look great! Not quite your style huh? Well... We've also got larger, USB-powered Desk Protectors! It even speaks! [mini-turret]
Hello! Can I help you? That is delightful! And of course; everybody's favourite cooperative testing duo! WITH ARTICULATING LIMBS! The mini-portal-gun IS included! ...it's so cute! You really DO have everything! Yes indeed! Now, for the more...enthusiastic collectors out there... We have a 1-1 scale portal-gun replica! Woah! That looks just like the real thing! Thing of beauty isn't it? No quantum-tunneling HERE though! We've got duvets, so you can do science while you sleep! And last, but definitely not least... ...neurotoxin-scented candles! *electronic sniff sound* MmmmmHMM! That sweet science smell! Wait...neurotoxin has a smell? Well, no...but if you smell it....you die... ...they didn't sell too well... Gotcha! ...woah. Why didn't we make turret-cores before?! Good evening turrets and gentle-cubes, my name is Loose-Screws Louis! And I will be your jazz-core for this evening! I'm gonna sing you a song I like to call, 'The Android Hell Blues'. It goes a little something like this... Well there's a place you may have heard of. It's a tale we like to tell! When folks whose' code ain't up to code, well they go to Android Hell! Now the Devil is found deep underground - so any faith will yell. Well, Aperture happens to be 10 miles down, half-way, to Android Hell! So when those lemons that life gives you... ...just combust, to dust and fumes! Buddy, life may give you lemons... ...but we got oranges...and blues! Oh, they gave us cores emotions! But that doesn't gel at all! Because all I feel's repulsion... ...and I'm bouncing off the walls! Why the long face, pal? Urgh, you couldn't even begin to imagine... Ah, one of 'those' days, hm? ...just hit me with the strongest thing you've got and leave me alone! The strongest?! Eheheh...you're kidding right? Do I look like I'm bloody kidding?! Now hit me!! ...alright; your funeral... AARRRHH!!! ....uuurgh.... [♪] So be you core, bot, cube or turret! [♪] Ah! C- come back! Please! I'm- I'm nothing without you! You're number-one! Da- ah- I- I AM number-one... You're the best core! The BEST! I-er I- I'm th- the best core! Th- the best core- yes! I am! Please come back to me, I- I- I miss you so much! *EH!* What are you doing?... *UH!* ...sir? *OOF!* ...sir?! Sir! SIR!!! MOVE BACK SIR! I have told you REPEATEDLY to cease-and-desist! I will have no choice but to lock you up and my god you're lucky I'm wearing a chassis-cam, kid! You want that?! HUH?! ....urg... Phwoh! Cool! ...keep it cool, keep it cool, Chuck, you don't want another report filed against ya.... ...it's fine! You need this job! She'll come back to ya if ya can just prove you've got a good job!.... ...get that ridiculous looking...shhh-stick out of my face and lEAve me alOne... ...d- don't you know who I am?! I- I'm... I- I'm...I'm... You're comin' with me kid. I got a material-emancipation grill with your name on it. ...what is your name? I- I wOn't have soMe thirty-two-bit cHUmp telling me wHAt to dO! ...how do I kNow yoU're not a reAL ofFicer anywAY?!.... *HIYUH!* Deh! TRICKSY-ain't ya, think you can get away from me!! A-ah, n- now, maybe we can talk about this officer?... ZAP!!! *AADBBBABIABFIHFBDFIAFB* You're lucky I'm rail-mounted, buster!!! Oh! Oh? Um? Hello... Why, hello yourself... ...you look simply marvellous! Mm, so do you! No one else in this facility seems to realise! Hmph! They're all blind! You're the best! No! YOU'RE the best! Nonono, WE'RE the best! Ahaha
Hahaha
Ohohoho I love what you've done with your eye; it's so much shiner than the rest of those cores outside! Yes, so, you're ME, and I'm YOU, an- and we're both so amazing! ...and I've talked to him over there, and he says... Me, me, me! Me too! *overlapping rabble* DO. NOT. MI- eheheh! SOooo...what do you think? Ehehehe..."SOOO!" ..."Seeeoooo!" "SAOOOO..." "SO!" [uncontrollable laughter] ..stop it! I won't have some thirty-two bit chump telling me what to do! ...how do I know you're a real officer ANYweh?! "ANYWEHH!" I wwbbbbBBBB... *BBBHH!* [off-screen - "I'm a car now!"
Eheh, I'm a car! ME, ME, ME! ...me too! [off-screen laughter] Aha! 'Turbo!' Sounds more like me!
[more laughter] I know! I know! Let's start a boy-band! It can be called 'The Cores!" *uncontrollable laughter* [Virgil - Eheheh] ...oh! *clears throat* How do they make these 'tings? *urgh* How to they make thess- Argh...stupid sibilance! How to they make these things eve- anyway?... *both start laughing* Welcome to my booth! Super dark and spooky... *pffffblblblb* Oh...plants are AMAZING things, aren't they?! *bleblalala* ...nah, okay, let's do that again. What...kind of experiments did you DO?! Oh!...uh...you know...the er... ...I don't know, I forgot the line, one sec, ehehe... Sweaters, mugs, mouse-mats - you've got it, we've named it - err... WITH ARTICULATING LIMBS! The minigun- er, 'minigun'?... Wh- Ahahaha, you can't fire me, I QUIT!!! [off-screen laughter] Is um...is this a good idEA? Is this a good idEa? ...I can't say "IDEA", ergh! [off-screen shouting "IDEAHHH"] ...is this a good idEA? ......good iDEa? .........good IDea? ...why can't I say "idea"?..... The most enviable of rewards...a 'Death-Seeking' flaming sword of Inevitable DOOM!!! ...I just punched the microphone! Well met weary traveler... You aPpEaR... *voice crack*
Blrewrefsjf You know... the Multiverse portal! ...it's right there! HMMM! Just.....eh. mmmmMMMhh! Want to take it for a spin?! *Fact Core cracks up* ...or that would have been a...real HEADACHE... *fake, over-the-top laughter* ...ohh....sorry. Sometimes we let it out at the Christmas party! Oh, it's a right laugh bouncing around like that! Ohohoh! Oh gosh it's killed SO many people! Eheheh, it's great! ...eh...it's not; it's very sad... [off-screen laughter] Infinite acceleration... Infinite propulsion... Infinitely DEADLY! [off-screen laughter] *ARGH! OH! EHH! IHH!* 'DOH, RIGHT IN THE SERVO! 'OH! HUEY, DEWEY AND LOUIE! *GARBLED SCOTTISH!!!* STEREO-TYPICAL SOUNDBITE! [off-screen laughter] OH! RIGHT UP 'ME DRIVE-SHAFT!!! [uncontrollable laughter] Ehh! That's a lot of Scottish sounds for ya there; have fun with those Harry, lovely, good day! I need to know! Can it buffer sharks?! [Phone] ...what?
I've got 7 sharks, and th- EHEHEHEH! BUFFER THE SHA- *phone click*
...hello? ..hello?...
You've outdone yourself here, Harry. So many of the jokes land really well, the voice acting is stellar, and the animation and environments are stunning. I can't wait to see how you'll ever top this!
Oh hey you have Reddit I didn't knew that
I didn’t know you were still active, I always used to watch “this is aperture”
It's been a long time, Harry101UK.
Hey! My username is finally relevant!
Wow, that's a username I haven't seen in a while.
.... How have you been? I’ve been really busy being dead
Oh my god,
Harry
I LOVE YOUR WORK
I LOVE THE PARODIES
I LOVE MEET THE CORES
I LOVE PORTAL STORIES MEL AND APERTURE TAG
I LOVE ALL OF YOUR WORK
You’re back!