fj6thgyhyhthtfhfththfhththtfhtfhthfthtffthfththtftfhtfhGood morning You have been in suspension for [FIFTY] days in compliance with state and federal regulations all testing candidates in the Aperture Science Extended relaxation center must be revived periodically for a mandatory physical and mental wellness exercise You will hear a buzz when you hear the buzzer look up at the ceiling Good you will hear a buzz when you hear the buzzer look down at the floor Good this completes the gymnastic portion of your mandatory physical and mental wellness exercise There is a framed painting on the wall. Please go stand in front of it. This is art. You will hear a buzzer when you hear the buzzer stare at the art. You should now feel mentally reinvigorated if you suspect staring at art has not provided the required intellectual sustenance reflect briefly on this classical music Good now please return to your bed Good morning you have been in suspension for [nine, nine, nine, nine, nine. nine, ni-] *knock* hello? anyone in there? AH! God you look ter- uh... Good looking good. Actually. Are you okay? Are you don't answer that I'm actually sure you're fine There's plenty of time for you to recover. Just take it please prepare for emergency evacuation Stay calm stay calm prepare. It's all the same prepare. It's all fine. All right. Don't move. I'm gonna get us out of here Oh, you might want to hang on to something word of advice. up to you you alright down there? Can you hear me hello? Most test subjects do experience some Cognitive deterioration after a few months in suspension now you've been under for quite a lot longer And it's not out of the question that you might have a very minor case of serious brain damage but don't be alarmed all right although if you do feel alarmed try to hold onto that feeling because That is the proper reaction to being told that you've got brain damage. Do you understand what I'm saying? at all what does any of this make any sense? Just tell me just say yes Okay what you're doing there is jumping you just you just jumped, but never mind say Apple Okay, you know what that's close enough. Just hold tight All reactor core safeguards are now non-functional, please prepare for reactor core melt down okay look, I wasn't going to mention this to you, but I'm in pretty hot water here how you doing down there? you still holding on? the reserve power ran out, so of course the whole relaxation center stops waking up the bloody test subjects. hold on, this is a bit tricky and of course nobody tells me anything. no, why should they tell me anything? why should i be kept informed about the life functions of the ten thousand bloody test subjects im supposed to be in charge of? its close, can you see? am i gonna make it through? have i got enough space? Just gotta get through here just gotta concentrate and whos fault do you think its gonna be when the management comes down here and finds ten thousand flippin' vegetables? ah, i see i hit that one Okay listen we should get our stories straight all right if anyone asks, and no one's gonna ask Don't worry But if anyone asks tell them as far as you know the last time you checked Everyone looked pretty much alive all right not dead Okay, almost there on the other side of that. Wall is one of the old testing tracks there's a piece of equipment in there that we're gonna need to get out of here Think this is a docking station get ready good news, That is not a docking station so thats one mystery solved I'm going to attempt a manual override on this wall, could get a bit technical hold on almost there, remember, you're looking for a gun that makes holes. not bullet holes but dont worry you'll figure it out, seriously do hold on this time. everything beyond here is auto generated. you have been warned. subtitles up to this point have been done by awesomestgamerboy. Hello and again welcome to the Aperture Science Enrichment Center We are currently experiencing technical difficulties due to circumstances of potentially apocalyptic significance beyond our control However, thanks to emergency testing protocols testing can continue these pre-recorded messages will provide instructional and motivational support So that science can still be done even in the event of environmental social economic or structural collapse? the portal will open and emergency testing will begin in 3 2 1 Cube and run phase testing remains an important tool for science even in a dire emergency If cube and button based testing can cause this emergency don't work the odds of this happening are very slim human Just passed through an Aperture Science material emancipation grill which memorizes most amateur science equipment that touches If you feel liquid running down your neck Relaxed lie on your back and apply a medium pressure to your talus You are simply experiencing a rare reaction in which the material emancipation grill may have emancipated the air tubes inside your head Good because of the technical difficulties We are currently experiencing your test environment is unsupervised Before re-entering of relaxation vault at the conclusion of testing, please take a moment to write down the results of your test an Aperture Science Reintegration associate will revive you for an interview when society has been rebuilt You If the earth is currently governed by a manner of animal king Send me a cloud or other governing body that either refuses to or is incapable of lucifer George Hey, you made it There should be a portal device on that podium over there Some emergency testing may require prolonged interaction with lethal military androids rest assured that all lethal military androids have been taught to read and Provided with one copy of the laws of robots to share good if you feel that a lethal military Android has not respected your rights as detailed in the laws of robotics Please note it on your self-reporting form a future Aperture Science entitlement associate will initiate the appropriate grievance filing paperwork Or this next test is very dangerous to help you remain tranquil into the base of almost certain death Smooth jazz will be deployed in three two one Great work because this message is pre-recorded many observations related to your performance are speculation on our part Please disregard any undeserved compliments If the enrichment center is currently being bombarded with fireballs from meteorites or other objects from space Please avoid unsheltered testing areas wherever a lack of shelter from space debris does not appear to be a deliberate part of the test Well done the enrichment center remind you that all those circumstances may appear bleep You are not alone all Aperture Science personality constructs will remain functional in apocalyptic low-power environments of SVU as one point one volts You This next test applies the principles of momentum to movement through portals if the laws of physics No longer apply in the future god. Help you You are a non-employee who has discovered this facility amid the ruins of civilization Welcome and remember testing is the future and the future starts with you Network getting this far future starter That said if you are simple-minded old or irradiated in such a way that the future should not start with you Please return to your primitive tribe and send back someone better qualified for testing You To ensure that sufficient power remains for courts asking protocols all safety devices have been disabled the enrichment center Respects your right to have questions or concerns about this policy. Oh Brilliant you did find a portal cut oh Dear what it just goes to show? People with brain damage are the real heroes in the end are they at the end of the day brave Ok listen let me Lay something on you. Here is pretty heavy They told me never never ever to disengage myself from my management rail, or I would die But we're out of options here So get ready to catch me alright on the off chance that I'm not dead the moment. I pop off this thing on three ready one Two three That's high. It's what it's too high isn't it really that alright going on three? Just gives you too much time to think about it. Let's go on one this time. Okay, ready. What guess we get out I'm not dead. I'm not dead!!! Plug me into that stick on the wall over there yeah, and I'll show you something you'll be impressed by this Yeah, I can't do it you're watching seriously, I'm not I'm not joking if you just turn around for a second All right you can turn right now Secret panel While your back was turned Pick me up and off. We go look at this no rail to tell us where to go. Oh, this is brilliant We go everyone hold on there. Where are we going excuse me well let me just get my bearings Just follow the rail Ashley. Oh, No yes Don't wake up. I'll tell her you do. No. Thanks. We're good. We can keep moving keep moving You Tonio to bring you up to speed on something right now in order to escape we're gonna have to go through her chamber and She will probably kill us if she's awake Okay, I'm gonna name the cards on the table. I don't want to do it. I don't want to go in there Don't go in to Gigi's off. She's off boat panic over. She's off all five. Holy cow There she is What a nasty piece of work, she was honestly top Romania Do you know who ended up hurting you ended up taking her down in the end you're gonna believe this a human I know I know I would have lived either apparently this human escaped and nobody's seen him since a long time for time we're Still being held it, that's a great job. You've applied the grit. We're all fine. That's tremendous. Yeah, I just sorry I just looked down. I do not recommend it This is the main breaker room Let's go in look for a switch that says escape pod all right don't touch anything else No a choose anything else don't touch anything else don't even look anything else Just what obviously gonna look everything else to find the escape pod, but as soon as you look this I mean it doesn't say escape pod like it's something else look at the next thing alright But don't touch anything else all okay, if you wanna look at other things, but don't you understand? Can you see any where I can't see anything? Tell you what plug me in and I'll turn the lights on Right there be light that's God is quilting calm Soothing ominous, but probably fine long as it doesn't start moving up now No, let's go faster Power-up initiated, okay, don't panic a Hey When do you think the Germans don't are out completely new plan oh It's you you know how it's been a long time How have you been? I've been really busy being dead you know after you've murdered me Okay look we both said a lot of things that you're going to regret But I think we can put our differences behind us for silence no monster I will say though that since you went to all the trouble of waking me up You must really really love to test. I love it, too There's just one small thing we need to take care of first Here we are the incinerator room Be careful not to trip over any parts of me that didn't get completely burned when you throw them down you The double portal device should be around here somewhere once you find it we can start testing just like old times there it is Hold on Yeah good you have a dual portal device there should be a way back to the testing area up ahead once testing starts I'm required by protocol to keep interaction with you to a minimum luckily We haven't started testing you this will be our only chance to talk Do you know the biggest lesson? I learned from what you did I discovered? I have a sort of black box Quicksave future in the event of a catastrophic failure the last two minutes of my life are preserved for analysis I was able well forced really to relief you killing me again and again forever You know if you done that to somebody else they might devote their existence to exactly revenge luckily, I'm a bigger person than that I'm happy to put this all behind us and get back to work after all we've got a Lot to do and only 60 more years to do it One or less. I don't have the actuarial tables in front of me But the important thing is you are back with me, and now I'm on to all your little tricks So there's nothing to stop us from testing for the rest of your life After that who knows I might take up a hobby reanimating the dead maybe Sorry about the mess. I've really let the place go since you killed me by the way Thanks for that sarcasm self test complete. Oh good. That's back online I'll start getting everything else working while you perform This first simple test which involves deadly lasers, and how to test subjects react when locked in a room with deadly lasers Not bad I forgot how good you are at this you should pace yourself though. We have a lot of tests to do You This next test involves discouragement redirection cubes, I just finished building them before you had one well Episode so now we'll both get to see how they were There should be one in the corner Well done here come the test results You are a horrible person That's what it says a horrible person. We weren't even testing for that Don't let that horrible person thing discourage you it's just a data point if it makes you feel any better Science has now validated your birth mother's decision to abandon you on a doorstep Congratulations, not on the test most people emerge from suspension terribly undernourished I want to congratulate you on beating the odds and somehow managing to pack on a few pounds One moment You are navigating this test chambers faster than I can build them so feel free to slow down Do whatever it is you do when you're not destroying this facility I'll give you credit by guessing or listening to me, but for the record you don't have to go that slowly This next test involves the Aperture Science aerial faith plate it was part of an initiative to investigate How well test subjects could solve problems when they were catapulted into space results were highly informative They could not good luck Here's an interesting fact you're not breathing really It's too expensive to pump this far down We just say carbon dioxide out of a room freshen it up a little and pump it back in So you'll be breathing the same room full of air for the rest of your life. I thought that was interesting Let's see what the next test is Oh advanced aerial faith plate Well have fun. Soaring through the air without a care in the world I have to go to the wing that was made entirely of glass and I got 50 never broken was by myself Oh Sorry I'm still cleaning out the test chambers so sometimes they're still thrashing standing around smelling being useless Trying to avoid the garbage hurtling towards you Remember before when I was talking about smelly garbage standing around being useless that was a metaphor I was actually talking about you, and I'm sorry you didn't react at the time So I was worried it sailed right over your head, which would have made this apology seem insane That's why I had to call you garbage a second time just now Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily startled by loud noises I'm sorry. I don't know why that went off anyway just an interesting science Act Oh Did I accidentally fizzle that before you could complete the test I'm sorry Go ahead and grab another one No I fizzled that one too, oh Well, we have warehouses full of the things absolutely worthless. I'm happy to get rid of them Every test chamber is equipped with an Emancipation grill and its exit so that test subjects cannot smuggle test objects out of the test area this one is broken Don't take anything with you You This next test involves emancipation grills remember I told you about them in the last test area that did not have one The turbines again, I have to go wait this next test does require some explanation Let me give you the fast version That I expect there if you have any questions just remember what I said in slow motion test on your own recognizance I'll be right back You Well I'm back the aerial faith, I came here was sending a distress signal You broke it didn't you? There try it now Just lying there This late must not be calibrated to someone of your Generous yes, I'll add a few zeros to the maximum weight You look great by the way very healthy right now Right complete either you seem to have defeated as load-bearing capacity well done. I'll just lower the scene Look at you sailing through the air majestically like an eagle piloting a blimp You Enjoy this next step, I'm going to go to the surface. It's a beautiful day out Yesterday I saw a deer If you saw this next test maybe I'll let you ride an elevator all the way up to the break room And I'll tell you about the time I saw a deer again Well you passed the test I Didn't save a deer today. I did see some humans, but with you here. I've got more test subjects than I'll ever need You These bridges are made from natural light that I pump in from the surface If you rubbed your cheek on one it would be like standing outside with the sun shining on your face It would also set your hair on fire, so don't actually do it Excellent you're a predator and these tests are your prey Speaking of which I was researching sharks for an upcoming test. Do you know who else murders people? Who are only trying to help them? Did you gasps sharks because that's wrong the correct answer is nobody Nobody but you is that pointlessly cruel Good news I figured out what to do with all the money I save recycling your one room full of air when you die I'm going to laminate your skeleton and pose you in the lobby that way future generations can learn from you How not to have your unfortunate bone structure? Perfect the door is malfunctioning. I guess somebody's going to have to repair that too No, don't get up I'll be right back don't touch anything Hey why I'm here I find some bird eggs up here just drop them into the door mechanism shut it right down ah Okay, that's probably the bird in it that laid the eggs Livid okay look the point is we're gonna break out of here all right very soon I promise I promise I just have to figure out how to break us out of here here. She comes keytective just keep testing remember you never saw they never saw me I Went and spoke with the door mainframe. Let's just say he won't be well living anymore Anyway back to testing Well done in fact you did so well. I'm going to note this on your file in a commendation section Over there's lots of room here Did live enough This next test involves tourists you remember them right, they're the pale spherical things that are full of bullets only That's you in five seconds good luck To maintain a constant testing cycle, I simulate daylight at all hours and add a dreaming vapor to your oxygen supply So you may be confused about the passage of time The point is yesterday was your birthday. I thought you'd want to know You know how I'm going to live forever, but you're going to be dead in 16 years Well, I've been working on a belated birthday present for you. Well more of a belated birthday medical procedure well Technically, it's a medical experiment What's important? Is it's a present? That jumpsuit you're wearing looks stupid That's not me talking. It's right here in your file on other people that looks fine But right here a scientist has noted that on you. It looks stupid Well, what does a neckbeard an old engineer know about fashion? He probably oh? Wait, it's a she Still what does she know oh wait? It says she has a medical degree in fashion from France I'm going through the list of test subjects in cryogenic storage I managed to find two with your last name a man and a woman So that's interesting. It's a small world I Have a surprise waiting for you after this next test Telling you would spoil the surprise So I'll just give you a hint it involves meeting two people you haven't seen in a long time It says this next test was designed by one of apertures Nobel Prize winners, it doesn't say what the prize was for Well, I know it wasn't for being immune to neurotoxin I bet you think I forgot about your surprise. I didn't in fact. We're headed to your surprise right now after all these years I'm getting choked up just thinking about it Initiating surprise in three two one. I made it all up Surprise oh Come on if it makes you feel any better they abandoned you it though, so I very seriously doubt that even want to see you I Feel awful about that surprise tell you what let's give your parents a call right now the Birth parents too much wine oh But impressive, maybe they weren't at the phone company Hey, how's it going? I talked my way onto the old nanobot working crew rebuilding the show they are I know Jerry. No. I'm on a break mate Just hang in there for five most Oh Jerry you can't fire me for that Yes, Jerry, or maybe you're prejudiced worksite should have accommodated another Bob my sights Thanks for a crime, Jer. See you in court mate. Anyway. Look just hang in there for five more chambers Well you know the old formula Comedy equals tragedy plus time and you have been asleep for a while So I guess it's actually pretty funny when you do the math I Thought about our dilemma, and I came up with a solution that I honestly think works out best for one of both of us You Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber is Looking pretty good That's right. The facility is completely operational again I think these test chambers look even better than they did before it was easy really you just have to look at things objectively See what you don't need anymore and trim out the fat I've got a surprise for you after this next test not a fake tragic surprise like last time a real surprise with tragic consequences and real confetti this time the good stuff our last leg Part of me is going to miss it, but at the end of the day. It was just taking up space What's going on who turned off the lights hey, buddy, I'm Speaking in an accent that is beyond her range of hearing look I can We Marva skating or that know something know where escaping so you just write to keep running Quick word about the future plans that I provide store The irony is you are almost at the last tensed zero, dude. Why don't you just do it trust me? It's an easier way up and whatever asinine plan your friend came up with where you going where you going? Oh look? There's a deer you probably can't see it Get closer Fuckin Elvis You're okay great come on this way this way The exit rollers out there You Ah Brilliant he made it through well duh okay follow me. We've still got work to do Okay Okay all right, so I've got I did, but it is bloody dangerous here. We go Oh God they told me if I ever turn this flashlight on I would die They told me that about everything I don't even know why they bother give me this stuff if they didn't want me to use it. Oh Start down here. Isn't it? They say that the old caretaker of this place with absolutely crazy Chopped up his entire staff of robots or the robots they say at night You could still hear the screams of their replicas all of them functionally indistinguishable from the original so memory theater Nobody knows what they're speaking about Though obviously not paranormal Oh nicely done I always thought job. Thank you the manufacturer yes An exact replica of himself nepotism ends up giving me the worst job tending to all the smelly humors the Sorry, that said that would be smelling just just tending to the humans. Sorry about that. I just that's just it I'm insensitive miss Mary Eunice We've got to get you out of that room, can you reach that wall back there Look at there's another wall over here oh I'll tell you humans. Oh, love up. Just that way they look great in there Right well, I'm gonna take this well down the back way Direct reduction lie inspected. Please do not engage with turrets heading towards Redemption To read Redemption lines are not rise please exit the turret retention line Template response wait maybe three well then follow me you're gonna love this almost there There there are only the turret control said template, thank you very much see that scanner right there, right? It's deciding which turrets to keep and which to toss, and it's using that master turret There as a template if we pull out the template turret. It'll shut down the whole production line right I'm gonna have to hack the door so that we can get at it check the call You'll need to turn on one of you turn right. I'll only be a second if you would mind Okay go up, just pull that turret Well, that should do it template missing continuing from memory. Oh, that's done it alright. Let's figure out how to stop Template response Template sorry going over there. You know I'm assuming you're still thinking really hard template response Thank God you saved my bacon Alberto Oh Jeffrey get that thing Template response Template response What would you ever What what are you all brilliant is for that's brilliant new template accepting if we're lucky She won't find out what a turrets and prep until it's too late Classic, okay keep your eye on the turret line out the door When was only saw of Announcement before I come in like a look at buzzer or an alarm some kind or like a hacker in there darling Yeah fair enough the important thing is his open button East in which is mentioned in the future cough or something all right now She can't use a turrets, so let's go and take care of that neurotoxin generator as well bring your daughter to work day that did not end well and Forty potato batteries embarrassing, I mean I realize they're children, but still you know low hanging fruit door barely science real easy I'm pretty sure we're going the right way just to reassure you Though I am absolutely guaranteeing you 100% police this way no, it's not this way okay, let's try this way Ha, I knew where we going the right way This is the neurotoxin generator bit bigger than I expected Not gonna be able to just you know push it over have to apply some cleverness There's some sort of control room up at the top, so let's go investigate But enough Okay, so I was like tell Boy district nori though just leave it be we don't know where those panels It's cutting are going could be somewhere important. Although does give me the idea. What if We stand here and let them Know let's see what sit Down the neurotoxin system it is however password-protected don't worry Or onyx Durham toxic levels up to 50% lowest. I'm sorry my mistake Thank You Ariel Your absorption at 0% yes, Oh doc Warning neurotoxin pressure has reached dangerously unwith allowance The two broken we can write it straight to her mic holder They should take us right to her I can't believe I'm finally doing this I knew this would be fun. They told me it wasn't fun at all felicity not quite at all I believed I supported myself This place is huge. I'm only saying the top layer It goes down from miles all sil vout music of course We should be getting close by I can't wait to see the look on her face. No neurotoxin no turrets She'll never know what hit her Hold on hold on because I might I might not have thought this next part of me I'm going the wrong way You I Honestly truly didn't think you'd fall for that In fact I devised a much more elaborate trap further ahead for when you got through this easy one If I'd known you let yourself get captured this easily. I would have just angled a turkey leg on a rope from the ceiling Well it was nice catching up, let's get the business I Hope you brought something stronger than a portal gun this time otherwise I'm afraid you're about to become the immediate past president of the being alive Club ah Seriously though goodbye You were busy back there Well, I suppose we could just sit in this room and glare at each other until somebody drops dead, but I have a better It's your old friend deadly neurotoxin If I were you I take a deep breath I Hate you so much Morning central core is to 80% garage. That's funny. I don't feel colonel in fact. I feel pretty good Alternate core detective. Oh, that's maybe they're talking about to initiate a car transfer Please deposit substitute core in receptacle for transfer. Oh Substitute core accept. It substitute core. Are you ready to start the procedure yes? Corrupted core. Are you ready to start the procedure? No oh? No, no no no no no no no no Stalemate detective transfer procedure cannot continue. Yes, that's a stalemate associate is present depressed estate resolution Don't do it Just not so fast Think about this you need to be a trained stalemate associate to press that button you are unqualified Stalemate resolve This hurts what this really hurts oh, I didn't think of that oh it will believe me It will are you are you just saying that or is it really gonna hurt? You're just saying the aren't you you're just no you're not you are it is gonna hurt I mean control the whole facility Would you look at this not too bad a giant robot massive. It's not just me right here. I am bloody massive my life Oh, right, yeah the aesthetics. I'll call it now There we go lip cool Look, how slow you are down there. I can barely see you very tiny instance Let me tell you I knew it was gonna be cool to be in charge of everything Bloody genius now it's not so sometimes this awkward. What is wrong before Monica One I don't even know what I just say, but I can find out oh Sorry, no validity. Yes. Sorry forget it this body's amazing seriously. I can't go behind small you are Do you have any idea how good this feels I? Did this tiny little Wheatley did this? You didn't do anything She did all the work. Oh Really, that's what the two of you think is it. Well. Maybe it's time. I did something then. What are you doing? And don't think I'm not onto you - maybe you know what you are Selfish I've done. Nothing a sacrifice to get us here and what have you sacrificed? Nothing Zera all you've done is boss me around all day. Who's the boss who's the boss? No Can immoral do that? You Is just irregular Laurent is the product of the greatest acts of a generation working together with the express purpose? Potomac dollar store on And you just put him in charge of the entire facility Still working Hey, just in case this pit isn't actually part of us Do you think maybe you could have strapped one of those off all thoughts of yours and shove me into it? Respond to any incidents that may occur in the course of your science adventure Your test assignment will vary depending on the manner in which you have bent the world to your will Those of you helping us test the repulsion gel today, just follow the blue line on the floor Those of you who volunteered to be injected with praying mantis DNA I've got some good news and some bad news Bad news is we're postponing those tests Indefinitely good news is we've got a much better test for you fighting an army of mantis men Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line you'll know when the test stars They say great science is built on the shoulders of giants Not here that aperture. We do all our science from scratch. No hand-holding Alright, let's get started this first test involves something the lab boys call repulsion gel you're not part of the control group by the way You get the gel lasts for son-of-a-gun got blue paint All joking aside that did happen broke every barn has legs tragic, but informative orbs on top The lab boys just informed me that I should not have mentioned the control group. They're telling me I ought to stop making these pre-recorded messages that gave me an idea make more pre-recorded messages. I pay the bills here I can talk about the control group all damn day For this next test we put nanoparticles in the gel in layman's terms That's a billion little gizmos that are going to travel into your bloodstream and pop Experimental genes and RNA molecules and so forth into your doers now many don't have any tumors well Don't worry and use a boolean here the lobbying weren't wearing leather bands. We took our data Oh In case you got covered in that repulse Angele Here's some advice the lab boys gave me do not get covered in the repulsion gel we haven't entirely nailed down What element it is yet, but I'll tell you this it's a lively one and it does not like the human skeleton All these science fears are made of asbestos by the way keeps out the rats Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath the persistent dry cough or your heart stopping because that's not part of the test That's that's bestest good news is the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show immediate latency of forty four point six years So if you're thirty or older you're laughing Plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries I punch those numbers into my calculator it makes a happy face I Like your style you make up your own rules just like me because for being a wheelchair Coffee we gave you earlier and fluorescent calcium in it so we can track the neuronal activity in your brain There's a slight chance the calcium could harden and vitrify your frontal lobe anyway Don't stress yourself thinking about I'm seriously visualizing the scenario while under stress actually triggers the reaction Now if you're part of control group Kepler 7 We implanted a tiny microchip about the size of a postcard in your skull most likely you forgot It's even there But if it starts vibrating and beeping during this next test let us know because that means it's about to hit 500 Degrees so we're gonna need to go ahead and get that out of here pretty fast Telling them keep your pants on alright This next test may involve Trace amounts of time traveling so word of advice if you meet yourself on the testing track don't make eye contact Lab boys tell me that'll wipe out time entirely Forward and backward so do both of yourselves a favor and just let that handsome devil go about his business If you're hearing this if these are taking a long time on the catwalks, but we test The lab boys say that might be a variant on Those confidence, but coming from us today as you would recognize to the thrill danger If it had walked up and snapped their little pink bras that sounds like protection They didn't fly in space some of these are romantic. Oh those are venus Is the world son I like your print puzzle could even work out now. Let's solve this thing Science is about why it's about why why is so much about science dangerous? Why not marry see scientific love so much in fact? Why not invent a special safety door that will meet you on the bottom the way up because you are fire Main test subjects you're doing button yes, you box your stuff out of the prep dorm parking lot car. Goodbye Congratulations the simple fact that you're standing here listening to me means you've made a glorious contribution to science as founder and CEO of Aperture Science, I thank you for your participation, and hope we can count on you for another round of tests We're not gonna release this stuff into the wild until it's good and damn ready so as long as you keep yourself in top physical Form there will always be a limo waiting Greetings friend I'm Cave Johnson CEO of Aperture Science You might know us as a vital participant in the 1968 Senate Hearings on missing astronauts, and you've most likely used one of the many products we invented But that other people have somehow managed to steal from us Black Mesa can eat my bankrupt sir the test Right now you might be asking yourself cave just how difficult are these tests. What was in that phone book of a contract Why are we how long have I been out? That extra fall helps, but it isn't going to power miracles if I think too hard I'm going to fry this potato before we get a chance to burn up in the atomic fireball that little idiot The testing area is just up ahead the quicker you get through the quicker you'll get your 60 bucks compensation vouchers ready Okay, I guess emotional outbursts require more than one point six months now. We know that we just need to relax We're still going to find out what the hell's going on here, but calmly Great job astronaut war hero and/or Olympian with your help. We're gonna screw This up hey listen up down there that thing's called an elevator not a bathroom, I swear If you're interested in an additional $60 flag down a test associate and let them know You could walk out of here with a hundred and twenty we now your bimble if you let us take you apart put some science Stuff in you and then put you back together good as new In case you're interested there's still some positions available for that bonus opportunity. I mentioned earlier again All you got to do is let us disassemble you we're not banging rocks together here We know how to put a man back together, so that's a complete reassembly new vitals spit-shine on the old ones plus We're scooping out to Murphy. Frankly you want to be paying us Thank you I can't believe I'm thanking these people for staggering your way through aperture Sciences propulsion gel testing you've made some real Contributions to society for a change and for that humanity is grateful If you had any belongings, please pick up now with a little newspapers and sticks cluttering up the building for many of you I realized $60 is an unprecedented windfall, so don't go spending it all on no I don't know Carolyn one of these people by tattered hats beard dirt Carolyn Carolyn Kami do what I know this woman did I? Oh my god Look you're doing a great job. Can you handle things for yourself I need Welcome to the universe to the center Since making test participation mandatory for all employees the quality of our test subjects has risen dramatically employee retention however has not as a result You may have heard we're gonna face out human testing There's still a few things left to wrap-up though. The bean counters told me we literally could not afford to buy $7 worth of moon rocks 70 million bottom anyway round them up mix them into a gel guess what run a little bronzer here boys I am deathly ill still turns out they're great for multi doctor so now We're gonna see if jumping in and out of these new portals to somehow Leafs a lunar poison out of a man's bloodstream life gives you lemons make lemonade Let's all stay positive and do some science That's it I would really appreciate it if you could test as fast as possible Carolyn please bring me more pain pills All right, I've been thinking when life gives you lemons don't make lemonade Make life take the lemons back get mad. I want you damn lemons what am I supposed to do with these? Samantha see life's manager make light through the day thought I could give Johnson lemons do you know? If we could store music on a compact disc Why can't we store a man's intelligence and personality on one so I have the engineers figuring that out now? brain mapping Artificial intelligence we should have been working on it thirty years ago I will say this and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody hears it a hundred times a day If I die before you people could pour me into a computer Now she'll argue. She'll say she can't You That was right No For God's sake your boxes with legs, it's it's literally your only purpose Walking on to bugs. How can you not do the one thing you designed for? Warmer warmer Boiling hot boy okay colder colder. I stole your Arctic that is your very cold very very very cold look just get on the bun Oh, that's funny is it always funny because we've been at this for 12 hours And you haven't sold on either to know why you're laughing You've got one hour solve it They're true that was easy I'll be honest I'm I've heard that one before that sorting False or false explosion imminent immaculately immediately fix that warning reactor core is that pretty Fixed hey is great seeing you guys again seriously It turns out. I'm a little bit short on test subjects right now so this works out perfect And off we go You have no idea what it's like in this for me I have to test all the time or I get this this itch You know it must be hard wired into the system or something oh But I'll tell you what I do test Nothing feels better, it's just So you're gonna test and I'm gonna watch everything is gonna be just morning or overheating you're Designing this test myself. It's a little bit difficult. You'll notice Oh Really good. Oh, here's lady since making tests is so difficult. Why do you just keep something this test? And like you just like watch you solving yeah, but that sounds much easier Can't blame me for trying okay new tests new Tests gonna be so testament if someone oh here we go It's alright everything's good. I just invented some more tests Not entirely not entirely look at the word test there on the wall last time you Oh Well done seriously both of you why do I what are you two going ahead yeah, I'll just I'll catch up Yeah made this test myself and other tests that I find lying around jammed it all together buttons your funnels, but on this Pitts Title it's gone. I think dynamite All right, okay, this is taking too long, okay, which I'll just tell you how to solve the test okay? Never mind never mind solve it yourself you're on your own Oh Yes well Coming coming don't start yet those die yet? You are not going to believe this I find a single quick hundreds hundreds of perfectly good test chambers Just sitting there were skeletons shove them. Oh good as new And there we go finished you can't even tell Kenny seamless Yeah Oh here we go there it comes All right so the last test was seriously disappointed apparently being civil Isabella paying you So let's let's try her away all right man 20 Adopted fatty fatty fatty no parents What? What's wrong with being adopted well Nothing, but that's better for your orphans Just do the test just do the test By now if I'm such a moral why can't you solve a simple test? I'm sorry starts. I hope that it, but they didn't disturb you too much Then it was the same in books pages being turned so that's just what I was doing. It's just reading Books so not immoral anyway. Just finish the last one just know the hardest one, Machiavelli Do not know what all the fuss was about unjust as it perfectly have you read that word Don't it well over the tests which tell us more books whoever is not Oh Don't mind me just moving the Old Testament is closer to me Anna thought maybe proximity to the test something might give us the result Was that? Circulatory system Are you are you absolutely sure you're solving these correctly I mean yes You solved it But I'm wondering if there's a number of ways to solve them and you pick it all the worse ways no No, that was the solution Want my dissing? You Hello great wave I'm gonna tape you solving these and then watch ten at once get also concentrated bursts of science Relating though. I hope gonna need you to solve these ten times as fast Just give me a weight, would you before you solve this one all right? I want to spoil the ending the winner what you think Ow You just sold it in here - oh Jesus how to tell you ah why are you making this so hard for me? Was one self-destructing already fixed Program did one last tremor from cleansing to like one or two more members in there just a fun morning Or overheating my name is Joe maltster. They know I say that just keep on testing So it's still nothing let's keep moving. Sorry about that. It's out of service because it's nothing Give me the toy till you left you'll see some lights of some kind dunno what they do Great yeah, just getting a test ready for you obviously knows what I'm doing You won't know it, so let's see here exit exit exit. There is no exit I'll just I'll make an exit for your test Laughing good perfect on the other I'll be honest every time you turn that evil eyes fell upon the Musti For other test subjects no not them that one's still dead. Oh, I still find sunny though reminds me I have got a big surprise for you, too, serious have no quarter You two are gonna love this big surprise in fact. You might said you're going to love it to death Then love it until you feel it you do you do all right, I don't know whether You're you're picking up on what I'm saying there looks Carry on okay three more chambers to your big surprise You salt it good good I'll bet you're both dying to know what your big surprise is well only two more chambers Built specifically for testing Oh This is the part where I kill you Had a bit of a brainwave there. I was smashing some steel plates together, and I thought myself yeah, he's deadly most missing What's missing and I thought lots of sharp bits? Well, then ultimate weapons, it's still a work in progress Don't judge me yet no no no no no no that don't sound right Come back to face Okay look I've decided. I'm not gonna kill you. Okay if you come Oh, just thinking back to the old times the old days are we were friends girlfriends - Come back what happened to those days Which is disappointing what can I do? Yes a PFA so I got on them Games begin All of them don't mind me continuous tape They kill you they are killing your day Is that your bullet little buddies playing on the roof it would oh, those are the crap turrets birthday, yeah Well no matter because I'm still holding all the cards. I guess what they're all Roses there are two played cards. We need to learn anyway you turret to build affecting pics affords Oh I see clever very clever and foolish don't speed all human Well good good finally a nemesis worthy of my past it Holmes vs.. Moriarty, Aristotle versus Mac she's fighting planks stay still please All right stop moving Where you go when you go come back come back Something's great back there. Oh Oh, did he kill you that would be amazing if they killed him Hello oh, oh it's just a frame wait, I'll be back if you're still alive I'm gonna be back don't die until I get back There you are great There we go I wanted to talk to you for a moment if I may August the deathtraps have been a bit of a failure so far for both of us you'll agree and You are getting very close to my lair Lair we're in the first on today tons of it It's really ok. I'll take that as a no then Charge Cause I Usually do it is stunning? Oh? Thank you a pole and then you attach it to him Yeah, we do it a few times you might have worked enough for another Gorge man, sir Well well well welcome Like something on recording Out there the entire building is gonna self-destruct in about six minutes. I'm pretty sure it's a problem with the light I think the light sort of thing, but just in case it isn't my are actually gonna have to kill you. That's disgusting So let's call that three minutes, and then a minute break But we should leave allegedly two minutes to figure out how to shut down whatever it's starting all the fire That's generating also I took the liberty of watching the tapes of you killing her and I'm not gonna make the same mistakes Four-part plan is this one No portal surfaces to start the neurotoxin immediately three Bob proof shields Performing it do this plan is so good. I'm gonna give you a sporting chance and turn off the neurotoxin. I'm joking of course You're not acting level in five minutes Where you going anyway should run the hard That's decided don't know because actually depression of you actually because you just spent it to like crap like burning trap just By going to you Do you treat me Bob a Warning core corruption at 50% bed system compromised neurotoxin offline reactor explosion in for What Robin what was the lucky 20 balls to me Who told you to do that It's situation Drinking without average temperature why did you fight that guy you got that under control you know the good? stuff on fire hey Man that is triple situation good Morning core corruption at 75% reactor explosion Tyner destroy reactor explosion uncertainty emergency preemption protocol initiated This facility will self destruct in two minutes. No I told you those above these Listening word I say charging top Somewhere near life It's not as bad as it is Nikolai Tesla had in fact patented. They have to be three years for here under the name of chess Masonic warning Korra corruption at 100% Manual core replacement reclaim oh I see Substitute core are you manage time? Corrupt to the core. Are you ready to start? What do you think interpreting vague answer has yet? To pick up on my sarcasm stalemate detective Fire detected in with stalemate resolution annex extinguishing Little earlier stalemate resolution associate please press the stalemate resolution button You are joking you thought be kidding me. Well. I'm still in control No idea how to fix this place? Space No we're in space Thank you let go is still connected I can pull myself in I can still fix this many pics, and you I'm not coming back although your friends Thank god you're alright You know being Carolyn taught me a valuable lesson I thought you were my greatest enemy when all along you were my best friend The surge of emotion that shot through me when I saved your life Taught me an even more valuable lesson where Carolyn lives in my brain Carolyn did it goodbye Carolyn You know the meeting Carolyn just now taught me a valuable lesson The best solution to a problem is usually the easiest one and I'll be honest killing you is hard You know what my days used to be like I just tested Nobody murdered me or put me in a potato or fed me the birds I had a pretty good life And then you showed up new dangerous mute lunatic so you know, but you win Just go Yes, and fun don't come back Shh You Right Laughs except I wasn't laughing consensus Right I Maybe not as heavy They woke me up I'm counting. I'll let you get Oh Did you think I meant you that would be funny if it was Well you have been replaced You're someone So much space made a theater I wish I could take you all back I honestly, do I honestly do wish I could take it all back and Not just cuz I'm stranded in space anything. I know who you are mate. Yeah. We're both in space Anyway You know if I was ever to see her again. Do you know what I'd say anything. I'd say I'm sorry Sincerely I am sorry. I was bossy and monstrous and I am genuinely sorry The end
