Portal 2 - Every Single Cave Johnson Line (Almost)

welcome gentlemen to aperture science astronauts war heroes olympians you're here because we want the best and you are it so who is ready to make some science i am now you already met one another on the limo ride over so let me introduce myself i'm cave johnson i own the place that eager voice you heard is the lovely carolyn my assistant rest assured she has transferred your honorarium to the charitable organization of your choice isn't that right carolyn yes sir mr johnson she's the backbone of this facility pretty as a postcard too sorry fellas she's married to science there's a thousand tests performed every day here in our enrichment spheres i can't personally oversee every one of them so these pre-recorded messages will cover any questions you might have and respond to any incidents that may occur in the course of your science adventure your test assignment will vary depending on the manner in which you have bent the world to your will those of you helping us test the repulsion gel today just follow the blue line on the floor those of you who volunteered to be injected with praying mantis dna i've got some good news and some bad news bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely good news is we've got a much better test for you fighting an army of mantis men pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line you'll know when the test starts they say great science is built on the shoulders of giants not here at aperture we do all our science from scratch no hand holding if you've cut yourself at all in the course of these tests you might have noticed that your blood is pure gasoline that's normal we've been shooting you with an invisible laser that's supposed to turn blood into gasoline so all that means is it's working if you need to go to the bathroom after this next series of tests please let a test associate know because in all likelihood whatever comes out of you is going to be coal only temporary so do not worry if it persists for a week though start worrying and come see us because that's not supposed to happen just a heads up we're gonna have a superconductor turned up full blast and pointed at you for the duration of this next test i'll be honest we're throwing science at the wall here to see what sticks no idea what it'll do probably nothing best case scenario you might get some superpowers worst case some tumors which we'll cut out all right let's get started this first test involves something the lab boys call repulsion gel you're not part of the control group by the way you get the gel last poor son of a gun got blue paint all joking aside that did happen broke every bone in his legs tragic but informative or so i'm told the lab boys just informed me that i should not have mentioned the control group they're telling me i ought to stop making these pre-recorded messages that gave me an idea make more pre-recorded messages i pay the bills here i can talk about the control group all damn day for this next test we put nano particles in the gel in layman's terms that's a billion little gizmos that are going to travel into your bloodstream and pump experimental genes and rna molecules and so forth into your tumors now maybe you don't have any tumors well don't worry if you sat on a folding chair in the lobby and weren't wearing lead underpants we took care of that too oh in case you got covered in that repulsion gel here's some advice the lab boys gave me do not get covered in the repulsion gel we haven't entirely nailed down what element it is yet but i'll tell you this it's a lively one and it does not like the human skeleton all these science fears are made of asbestos by the way keeps out the rats let us know if you feel a shortness of breath a persistent dry cough or your heart stopping because that's not part of the test that's asbestos good news is the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of 44.6 years so if you're 30 or older you're laughing worst case scenario you miss out on a few rounds of canasta plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries i punch those numbers into my calculator it makes a happy face i like your style you make up your own rules just like me bean counter said i couldn't fire a man just for being in a wheelchair did it anyway ramps are expensive just a heads up that coffee we gave you earlier had fluorescent calcium in it so we can track the neuronal activity in your brain there's a slight chance that calcium could harden and vitrify your frontal lobe anyway don't stress yourself thinking about it i'm serious visualizing the scenario while under stress actually triggers the reaction now if you're part of control group kepler-7 we implanted a tiny microchip about the size of a postcard into your skull most likely you've forgotten it's even there but if it starts vibrating and beeping during this next test let us know because that means it's about to hit 500 degrees so we're going to need to go ahead and get that out of you pretty fast i'm telling them keep your pants on all right this next test may involve trace amounts of time travel so word of advice if you meet yourself on the testing track don't make eye contact lab boys tell me that'll wipe out time entirely forward and backward so do both of yourselves a favor and just let that handsome devil go about his business if you're hearing this it means you're taking a long time on the catwalks between tests the lab boys say that might be a fear reaction i'm no psychiatrist but coming from a bunch of eggheads who wouldn't recognize the thrill of danger if it walked up and snapped their little pink bras that sounds like projection they didn't fly into space storm a beach or bring back the gold no sir we did it's you and me against the world son i like your grit hustle could use some work though now let's solve this thing science isn't about why it's about why not why is so much of our science dangerous why not marry safe science if you love it so much in fact why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you on the butt on the way out because you are fired now you test subject you're doing fine yes you box your stuff out the front door parking lot car goodbye congratulations the simple fact that you're standing here listening to me means you've made a glorious contribution to science as founder and ceo of aperture science i thank you for your participation and hope we can count on you for another round of tests we're not going to release this stuff into the wild until it's good and damn ready so as long as you keep yourself in top physical form there will always be a limo waiting for you say goodbye carolyn goodbye carolyn she is a gem greetings friend i'm cave johnson ceo of aperture science you might know us as a vital participant in the 1968 senate hearings on missing astronauts and you've most likely used one of the many products we invented but that other people have somehow managed to steal from us black mesa can eat my bankrupt sir the testing right now you might be asking yourself cave just how difficult are these tests what was in that phone book of a contract i signed am i in danger let me answer those questions with a question who wants to make sixty dollars cash you can also feel free to relax for up to 20 minutes in the waiting room which is a damn sight more comfortable than the park benches most of you were sleeping on when we found you so welcome to aputure you're here because we want the best and you're it nope couldn't keep a straight face anyway don't smudge up the glass down there in fact why don't you just go ahead and not touch anything unless it's test related if you're allergic to peanuts you might want to tell somebody now because this next test may turn your blood into peanut water for a few minutes on the bright side if we can make this happen they're going to have to invent a new type of nobel prize to give us so hang in there the average human male is about 60 water as far as we're concerned that's a little extravagant so if you feel a bit dehydrated in this next test that's normal we're going gonna hit you with some jet engines and see if we can't get you down to 20 or 30 all right we're working on a little teleportation experiment now this doesn't work with all skin types so try to remember which skin is yours and if it doesn't teleport along with you we'll do what we can to sew you right back into it the testing area is just up ahead the quicker you get through the quicker you'll get your 60 bucks carol are the compensation vouchers ready yes sir mr johnson great job astronaut war hero and or olympian with your help we're gonna change the world this on hey listen up down there that thing's called an elevator not a bathroom if you're interested in an additional sixty dollars flag down a test associate and let them know you could walk out of here with a hundred and twenty weighing down your bindle if you let us take you apart put some science stuff in you then put you back together good as new in case you're interested there's still some positions available for that bonus opportunity i mentioned earlier again all you gotta do is let us disassemble you we're not banging rocks together here we know how to put a man back together so that's a complete reassembly new vitals spit shine on the old ones plus we're scooping out tumors frankly you ought to be paying us thank you i can't believe i'm thanking these people for staggering your way through aperture science's propulsion gel testing you've made some real contributions to society for a change and for that humanity is grateful if you had any belongings please pick them up now we don't want old newspapers and sticks cluttering up the building for many of you i realize sixty dollars is an unprecedented windfall so don't go spending it all on i don't know carolyn what do these people buy tattered hats beard dirt welcome to the enrichment center since making test participation mandatory for all employees the quality of our test subjects has risen dramatically employee retention however has not as a result you may have heard we're going to phase out human testing there's still a few things left to wrap up though first up conversion gel the bean counters told me we literally could not afford to buy seven dollars worth of moon rocks much less 70 million bottom anyway ground them up mix them into a gel and guess what ground-up moon rocks are pure poison i am deathly ill still it turns out they're a great portal conductor so now we're gonna see if jumping in and out of these new portals can somehow leech the lunar poison out of a man's bloodstream when life gives you lemons make lemonade let's all stay positive and do some science that said i would really appreciate it if you could test as fast as possible carolyn please bring me more pain pills all right i've been thinking when life gives you lemons don't make lemonade make life take the lemons back get mad i don't want your damn lemons what am i supposed to do with these demand to see life's manager make life rue the day and thought it could give cave johnson lemons do you know who i am i'm the man who's gonna burn your house down with the lemons i'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down the point is if we can store music on a compact disc why can't we store a man's intelligence and personality on one so i have the engineers figuring that out now brain mapping artificial intelligence we should have been working on it 30 years ago i will say this and i'm gonna say it on tape so everybody hears it a hundred times a day if i die before you people can pour me into a computer i want carolyn to run this place now she'll argue she'll say she can't she's modest like that but you make her now put her in my computer i don't care all right test's over you can head on back to your desk hello investors cave johnson here now i know you've sunk a lot of money into the dual portal device but i'm here to tell you we're not banging rocks together over here we know how to make a quantum space hole carolyn see portal here portal air look at this thing go now we have run into a reproducible human error problem a lot of expensive equipment getting broken but don't worry cave took care of it gentlemen i give you the long fall boot think of it as a foot based suit of armor for the portal device i'm not gonna lie to you it's expensive as hell but check this out we told this test subject to just go ahead and try to land on her head [Music] she can't do it good work boots so anyway we're between banks right now just make those checks out to cash cave johnson we're done here cave johnson here fact the key to any successful cooperative test is trust and as our data clearly shows humans cannot be trusted the solution robots then fire the guys who made those robots and build better robots then run those robots through a regimen of trust exercises creating a foundation of mutual respect reinforced by the simulated bonds of artificial friendship inspiring stuff and finally we put that trust to the test bam robots gave us six extra seconds of cooperation good job robots gabe johnson we're done [Music] here cave johnson here this is a test chamber four walls sealing in a floor good enough for science not aperture science gentlemen i give you panels the planks of tomorrow [Music] fully configurable infinitely variable aperture brand panels will assist your test subjects every step of the way that is not a panel that's a crusher we sell them too cave johnson here introducing the consumer version of our most popular military-grade product the turret how do we get so many bullets in them like this plus we fire the whole bullet that's 65 more bullet per bullet this is the same technology we've been using on robots for decades scares the hell out of them they come in hundreds of designer colors including forest [Music] uh evening at the improv what idiot pick people then we box them up and ship them straight to your doorstep so you can protect the things that matter most good night just try and get close to that baby your funeral cave johnson we're down here [Music] cave johnson here every time i look at our test chamber production line i am reminded of my father now he wasn't a scientist just a simple farmer a professor of farming at the local farm college never farmed a day in his life but his theories on farming are the backbone of this company do it from scratch spare no expense and never cut corners well that's a corner cutting machine we obviously cut them there point is we've always done things the way my father did and his father before him and his father before him and his father before him and we are almost bankrupt so time for a cheaper approach allow me to introduce the multiverse infinite earth with an infinite number of apertures and as of now they are going to take over all test chamber construction and more importantly all paying for test chamber construction why are they agreeing to do that they're not we're tricking them here's how it works one design a test two slip the mole monsters or what have you the blueprint when they're not looking three once they build it steal it back look at that sad little octopus that's where you come in we need blueprints we are about to run the greatest con game in the history of the multiverse and you are the bottleneck yes you get back to work [Music] welcome test subject it's cave prime from earth one i am speaking to you from across time and space i am literally in the future i hold on what all right my assistant greg tells me none of that's true got excited you are the first test subject we have ever sent into a parallel universe which apparently has nothing to do with time travel still exciting anyway you should be seeing a test chamber in front of you we designed it those backwater universe yokels built it and you're gonna test it remember you gotta let us know if it works or not otherwise you're wasting everybody's time on two earths all right get to it cave here just so you know this mic isn't two way i can't hear a damn thing you're saying so don't waste any oxygen trying to talk what ah my assistant greg says some of these alternate earths may not have oxygen the air might be nitrogen or methane or hell everybody's head might be inside out so just take little itty-bitty breaths and if anybody asks you why your head's inside out remember it's only inside out from their perspective and you're fine head wise trouble wise you're in a lot of it and you should probably run all right enough hypotheticals let's test this test cave here man oh man wow greg's multiple universe theory was dicey but you're pulling through with flying colors we're all very proud of greg oh and you before we start testing today let's have our mandatory minute of silence in honor of earth's governing body the sentient cloud starting now good right all hail the sentient cloud begin testing i've just been notified that one of our test subjects may have angered the sentient cloud by beginning testing early now as you all know the cloud has banned all camera technology hates getting its picture taken so this will have to be on the honor system will whoever started testing early please go outside so they can be consumed by the cloud just a heads up that the cloud's still waiting i don't think that thing's going to go away so somebody might want to get out there no no it came in under the door it's leaching off all my skin excerpt there from one of our safety videos grizzly stuff very informative somebody doesn't get out there soon we're gonna have to do a lottery because believe me if we keep that cloud waiting much longer he's coming in under the doors and he will leech off all our skin cave here the real cave greg's been crunching some numbers here on earth prime turns out the likelihood of me being the only cave who likes talking to test subjects is what's the actual number greg right zero so tell you what we're going to use a code word if i say chariots it means you're listening to me otherwise it's an imposter cave i want you to know you have a license to kill on this one [Music] greg says that might destroy the entire multiverse point is use your own judgment license to kill welcome gentlemen to aperture rituals astronauts war heroes olympians you're here because of an ancient mating ritual etched in a monolith by the elder monks to forestall the end of days so who is ready to make love to a giant bird cave johnson here just want to let the cafeteria staff know to lay off the soylent green i'm holding a memo from the president and it turns out that soylent green is let's see here doubling in price now listen up i don't care how good people tastes this stuff's costing me more than lobster so we're going back to fish sticks hey it's cave someone's not dancing come on you know the law testing is not a dance exemption don't make me call the dance police test subject can you hear me congratulations you were the world's first half-man half-machine police officer well first batch there was a pretty big shootout bought all your carcasses off the mayor anyway you should be proud to be a part of aperture's android law enforcement initiative or as someone who's good at naming things i.e me would call it robo no robot a cop oh that's much better now before we get to solving crimes we got to get you to solve this test promised the mayor i'd make sure you weren't all unstable potato heads before i gave you all guns come in roboticop it's your chief first you're a damn good cop second you're a loose cannon all right that's probably enough motivation oh before i forget greg tells me you might be getting some tragic flashbacks of your former life don't sweat it those aren't yours due to a software problem that's a real-time feed of greg's current life he's a sad little man anyway just try to ignore him cave here chariots just a heads up if it seems like you're walking faster than light you're probably in a universe where light doesn't haul nearly as much ass as it does on earth one the lab boys say if you insist on walking faster than light you are 100 going to go back in time how far far enough to meet your great great grandfather and tell him you're fired because guess what i'll let you finish that thought welcome test prisoner to the terra 3 penal science colony space criminals political prisoners exiled planetary leaders you're here because the galaxy needed a place to put you and this is it so who is ready to stay here until they die now you already met one another on the hyperdrive over so let me introduce myself i'm cave johnson i'm the warden around here attention test prisoners attempting to escape through the air ducts i don't know what nonsense you learned on tv but in real life air ducts just go to the air conditioning unit it's also pretty dusty so if you've got asthma chances are you're gonna die up there and we'll be smelling it for weeks because again the air ducts aren't a secret escape hatch they're how we ventilate the facility this thing on i'm gonna be brief because i'm dying because i got shiv a lot i just want to get it on record that using force fields for doors in a space prison is a bad idea you know what would have been better regular doors with locks locks that don't open when the power goes out and those blue force fields looked good though every time i saw one i thought wow i am in space still though a door made out of paper would have been better in the long run would have at least slowed him down for a second anyway anybody not escaping or shiving me get back to work those of you who volunteered to be injected with homo sapien dna i've got some good news and some bad news bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely good news is we've got a much better test for you fighting an army of man mantises pick up a set of four leg spurs mesothorax armor and tubercle sheets you'll know when the test starts it's come to my attention that over half of our test subjects have only recently awoken from extended relaxation and were unaware that we're testing in space so there it is no conspiracy no twist we're in a test satellite orbiting the earth commonly available information that absolutely anyone would have told you if you'd bothered to ask please stop forming groups of adventuring parties to uncover the big secret because it's that we're in space well looks like we just had to seal up science sphere 7 hull breach another adventure party smashed through the hull to learn the big mystery because they were busy doing that instead of testing because i've mentioned that we're in space every half hour by the way still in space and another hull breach let's all give a big hand to the test subjects of sphere 18 for bravely uncovering the company-wide conspiracy which is that there's no air in space once again we're in space it's not a secret i am sincerely regretting my decision not to install windows in this thing welcome gentlemen to the aperture hollow science jungle tramps hillbillies drifters you're here because you followed the hobo signs so who is ready to scrounge around for some science now you already met one another on the boxcar over here so grab a bowl of slum gullion and a glass of sterno and let me introduce myself i'm michigan slim cave johnson i'm the hobo king it's cave greg's telling me the number of possible alternate universes is literally infinite maybe there's one where i don't know the greeks won world war ii just a heads up in case you get to a test chamber and find yourself surrounded by urns oh chariots that shrieking voice you just heard is the lovely blarkbarg my assistant she's the backbone of this facility sorry fellas she's married to producing seeds that germinate and detach from her exoskeleton at high speeds in search of human hosts we keep her behind glass hello test subjects good news first our telekinesis incubation program has been a huge success bad news the candidate screening process was a lot less successful let me tell you we picked a real bunch of smart alex to give mind powers too stop blowing up heads actually you know what negotiation's over i'd like you all to meet terry oh real funny guys but the joke's on you i taped all your paychecks to terry's head ha don't you put that in your head and blow it up that's right everybody it's that time of year again happy birthday you know the rules everybody at the government mandated maximum age needs to report to an ethnological redundancy associate toot suite looking through the files here the following is a complete list of employees who need to snuff it dorothy russell age 98 end of list sorry about that dorothy you had a good 97 years time to stop hogging all the resources leave some nutrient paste for the rest of us why don't you cave johnson age 51 we're done here cave johnson junior claims representative for aperture science here well former junior claims representative just found out i got laid off well i'll just sneak into their recording office and let everybody know our president that creep doug ratman is embezzling funds enjoy your christmas bonuses knowing he took most of them jerks cave johnson here the maddest men have officially taken over the building if you can get out get out now oh god they're breaking through the barricades cave johnson here i see you i see your little feet i'm gonna cut off your hair and put it on your feet and eat your little hair what oh and feet hi down there we're gonna test forever and ever and ever hey uh-oh hey what are you doing in here beat it come on greg i told you not to let your creepy kid in my office no no i'm sorry greg but there is something wrong with that kid we'll test forever why she whisper all the time hey test subject just keep going chariots chariots man that kid's creepy chariots cave johnson here reminding you to fill out the paperwork for full payment once you're done testing the check may seem exorbitant but you deserve it chariots chariots it's cave johnson if you get through this next room you'll get a bonus and that's on top of the bonus i gave you this morning don't thank me because you're the real boss why because you teach me something new every day chariots you test subjects are the best oh my gosh chariots this is cave prime so apparently there's an alternate dimension cave johnson who just uses the word chariots for no reason from now on i'll say chariots twice if it's me if you hear just one chariot that's an alternate cave okay chariot chariot hello test subject cave johnson here founder and ceo of aperture science the best damn applied sciences company on earth how good is the science here get a load of this i'm dead now you're probably asking yourself cave how is that possible are you some manner of dracula or a frankenstein or depending on your cultural heritage a blacula or a latin frankenstein nope just science as of this morning i have been resurrected inside of a computer that aside situation normal so continue testing just a warning to you test subjects greg and the boys told me that the massive influx of information i'd received when they transferred my consciousness into a stadium-sized supercomputer would turn me crazy so once again a warning greg and the boys are no longer working here so if they were doing something for you that's not getting done okay again now i'll admit losing my body does have its drawbacks but it's got its perks too as a being of pure intellect i've now got time to read the entire literary canon of the human race here i go and i am done continue testing pure intellect cave here not to brag but while you were cat-assing that last test i rewrote the collected works of everything ever if i got to read this garbage for eternity i might as well improve it so next time you curl up with a time-honored classic and think to yourself man i do not remember the brothers karamazov busting so many ghosts you can thank yours truly here's a question for you who is not afraid of no ghosts as of just now every character in every book by virginia woolf man those things were dull cave again what is the one thing that could never ever ever ever in a million years get boring if you said busting ghosts tragically you'd be wrong i was almost all the way through the w's when the bloom came off that rose heathcliff was defending moon-based weathering heights from the crafty poltergeist when i realized exploring the vast realm of pure intellect is boring it's boring you know what i'd really like to do like to scratch my nose i've been thinking what if greg was right what if injecting my consciousness into a computer robbed me of an eternal reward spiritually speaking all right i just read up on it stumbled on a book about a fellow who lived thousands of years ago sacrificed himself to save mankind went by the name of hercules destroyed all the world's monsters so humans would be safe then went to olympus for his trouble damn it death was my monster and i killed it where's my olympus unless aputure was the monster aperture and everybody incited holy hercules i just thought of something keep testing or don't doesn't matter i'll be back whoa chariots chariots for some reason some of the audio was bleeding through in this universe don't know if you were catching the subtext there but that computer cave is crazy so greg was right as of now we are canceling the genetic life form and disc operating system initiative boy that could have backfired anyway this earth is far too dangerous and we are pulling you out right after this test welcome gentlemen to aperture paranormal magicians witches crystal healing doctors you're here because you have scary powers and we want in on it so who's ready to draw some pentagrams now you already met one another on the cab ride over so let me introduce myself i'm cave johnson i'm host to a tiny but powerful demon who lives in a secret place in my mouth cave johnson again just a heads up you are currently in a tiny test chamber floating around in my bloodstream remember if you see a giant set of car keys those are mine lab boys shrunk them part way down before i could stop them no idea if it was for science or if they were just having one on an old cave but either way if you don't find those things pretty soon i'm gonna have to call aaa hello test subject as you are no doubt aware the president is being held hostage inside the giant super prison on the floor of the atlantic ocean every science facility in america has been tasked with producing a tough guy capable of breaking into super max lantis that's where you come in i'm nominating myself and i'm going to need some references a test associates should be around soon to get a quote off you so be as glowing as possible quick update on all those pods we were finding in broom closets apparently some alien monster was body snatching employees and spawning communist replicas the allegorical threat level on this one's through the roof actual threat levels pretty non-existent though so we've decided not to do anything about it if the worst this thing can do is just ate glassy-eyed yes man i say bring it on bug guys i got a whole list of troublemakers you can pot up anytime you like meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow cave johnson new owner and ceo of black mesa that's right you've been bought first order of business we're renaming you under the aperture brand i'm leaning towards blapacher mesa marketing boys think something else so blappiture it is next they tell me you people are conducting some anomalous materials research that could result in a resonance cascade so i'm shutting that down before you idiots end the world a resonance cascade you're supposed to be scientists use some common sense cave johnson here just wanted to let you know that after decades of research and testing we have finally transformed into beings of pure light go team not exactly what we were after of course but in the ballpark so let's keep testing and maybe someday we'll achieve man's ultimate dream to evolve into pillars of pure salt can't wait so salty chariot chariot by the way you can make a bit of a mess in these rooms if you want scuff your shoes or stick gum on the walls because these alternate cave johnsons are really cheesing me off cave johnson again just a heads up we've got an intraverse security breach in one of the test areas you all enjoyed a good chuckle at caves expense when i started monitoring for parallel universe invasions you all tried to stop me when i tried to garnish your wages to build defenses against said invasion succeeded too so i hope you're happy we've got a bogey from earth one loose on the premises go write a letter to the better business bureau about that why don't you actually don't would anyone like to know what the invaders from earth 1 are up to inside our facility i don't blame you but it'd be fascinating stuff but we don't have any multiverse invasion monitoring equipment asked for it told it was stupid anyway i hope these monsters replace our air with chlorine finally give you crybaby something to cry about just a quick update on the attack of the killer ants apparently they tried to commandeer the entirety of our nation's sugar reserves in kentucky big firefight at fort sugar knox edge of your seat stuff anyway that's as far as i made it through the movie before i fell asleep so if anybody's seen attack of the killer ants don't spoil the ending or you're fired by the way chariot chariot hi mister timmy toxis ain't going to pull through but if you could just finish this test i bet we could lick this thing kavina johnson here it's come to my attention that one of you has sent a letter to the supreme council of matriarchs accusing me of being a man so i want to assure both you and the gender regulatory committee that i am indeed 100 all woman and if you don't believe me i swear to god i will beat you what greg what sally sue greg tells me that we will all exchange handmade sympathy cards discussing how we feel about the issue all right let's do some lady science i sincerely hope you're not allergic to air our peanut dust ventilator broke in this wing so the atmosphere is only 60 peanut dust hey it's me the real me uh chariot's chariots anyway it appears the test chambers in our dimension are being tested on looks like another alternate universe cave johnson is using the same trick i am if you see that one will you punch him in the throat for me but make sure it's him and not me or you're fired cherrious chariots we have a problem that alternate cave johnson is using all our test chambers now we have to take care of things here for a while so you're on your own try to remember the test so we can write it all down later ah we've got you you wait is that the real you from our dimension ah chariots chariots it's cave seriously of all the infinite alternate dimensions you happen to wind up randomly in ours again okay just get through this test and be very careful not to mess anything up hey cherrious chariots just thought you should know that sick boy from a couple of earths ago we kept monitoring that because man that was riveting anyway he didn't make it good try though we were virtually all pulling for him curious chariots damn it now we've got two testers here from another damn earth we had one of them cornered then the other one just portaled him out of there then they high-fived and went their separate ways i'm gonna need you to test double quick to make sure we're messing them up as badly as they're messing us up here attention chariots chariots there are at least six extra dimensional testers here now and to be honest they're not even really testing anymore they just all portaled in made a human pyramid ate my lunch and portaled out cherrious chip look it's me apparently this other earth has portal guns that can make portals on anything we've had guys just walking along and suddenly a portal opens beneath them and they fall out of a wall i'm thinking maybe we should just work out a truce i'll let you know if we can get in touch with this evil cave johnson charious chariots okay greg managed to contact the cave johnson who keeps sending testers here and we've agreed no more testing in each other's dimensions we'll get you back here asap hello test subject just a heads up that our research into stopping all the godzilla attacks on u.s soil has been postponed indefinitely turns out it doesn't matter where you hatch a nest full of godzillas they just make a beeline straight for tokyo should have seen those things go anyway crisis averted now everybody grab a dust pan and a broom we got to get rid of all these egg shells before the nuclear regulatory commission shows up break one nine big box cave johnson here hauling a freight shaker with a load of cold ones and the wagon down to texarkana got 28 hours to get this done so i'm putting the hammer down anybody here in this shake the bushes and give me your 10 20. also test subjects i'll be gone for 28 hours test on your own recognizance i want to keep this channel clear so do not use your cb radios cave johnson we're over and out here curious chariots whoever this alternate cave johnson is he's a jerk instead of sending us the apology fruit assortment he promised he just sent a whole bunch of angry wasps we'll find a way to get back at him don't you worry you keep testing and don't be afraid to get messy with it we'll just see who wins this deadly game of cat and other cat chariots chariots okay now the other cave has sent a huge block of frozen urine it's too big for us to get it out of the multiverse device so we just have to let it melt until we can wedge it out incidentally if you come across a dimension where people eat nothing but asparagus i'm guessing that's where our nemesis is so keep your eyes peeled for that cave johnson here i need you to do not listen to this man he's the other cave johnson he's an imposter you're the imposter imposter chariots chariots oh yeah chariots chariots chariots just keep testing i'll settle this no i'll settle this shut it you and you keep testing all right i think we shut down the impostor caves calmly you'd like to think that wouldn't you damn it stop imposting never oh you stubborn handsome devil it's come to my attention that there's a pair of sunglasses floating around this place that lets you see the subliminal propaganda we've painstakingly hidden on every visible surface look people the reason motivational propaganda works is because you're not staring straight at it that's the whole point but what do i know if everybody's too cool to be subliminally propagandized feel free to wear your magic sunglasses all damn day motivate yourselves from now on oh dark cave you are the only one around here who gets me i tell you i haven't had a conversation this damn good sit hold on i gotta talk to the help hey you cherious chariots keep testing hey dark cave cave prime as i live and breathe methane listen do you have a greg in your universe you want one [Laughter] greg come back i wouldn't send you to dark cave earth i would greg is on the table cave johnson here just a reminder that the core goal of aperture gas finding science is to find gas so make sure you let us know if you see any if we meet our quarterly gas-finding target i promise you we will don our bondage gear fuel our death cars and drive around in circles whooping it up and shooting arrows at people who is ready to rule the wasteland all right start looking hello test subject echo echo welcome to your first test i'm your overseer cave johnson and i think if you keep testing you might find something very interesting about this planet it's me i'm the planet you live on me i wanted to save it for later but man it's just it's too darn good you really wouldn't have seen it coming do me a favor don't tell any of the other test subjects also don't pollute chariots chariots according to greg theoretically there's an earth out there made entirely of money plus since there's an infinite number of earths that means there's an infinite number of money planets so i've done the math and i figure the odds of finding this thing are 100 not now greg that doesn't mean i want you to stop testing but do keep an eye out for the money verse and let me be clear i'm talking about u.s currency you find a peso verse you just keep walking cherrious chariots chariots dark cave here listen you find the money verse you bring it to me i'll take care of you you want to be promoted to head of testing done you want your asparagus rations doubled i'll pull some strings you want all the methane you can breathe not a problem remember moneyverse dark cave asparagus lots of it enough said cherries chariots cave prime here i hear you've been brokering a deal with that other cave so here's what i want you to do find your alternate self steal his stuff put it in a box and if there's a parking lot walk the box out to it because you're fired chariots chariots cave johnson here all right greg's informed me this is not the best time to fire you but if you are talking to that other cave let me just remind you who you work for cherry is serious chariots and let me remind you who's offering methane cherries cherries look whatever he's offering i'll double it greg how are we fixed for methane what would we use it all for evil cave again i think your choice is clear here test subject not clear not clear keep testing k prime here dark cave here while you were busy driving a wedge between us with your bidding war dark caves test subject found two money verses and we're gonna split em so there's no reason to offload our testing to alternate earths anymore funding test chamber construction is no longer a problem you know what else isn't a problem gold teeth greg look at these choppers now show me yours man you've got tiny teeth greg anyway the good news is we're ready to start phase two figuring out a way to bring you back greg's gonna sink his weird little teeth into that problem too tweet so next time you enter a test chamber you'll be back here on terra firma prima hey greg it worked welcome back test subject now get back to work just because we own a universe made of money doesn't mean i'm made of money cave johnson we're done here

Channel: KangarooJay

Views: 150,314

Keywords: Foo, Foo Nugget, Portal 2, Cave Johnson

Id: RJnIpCu1JBM

Length: 41min 27sec (2487 seconds)

Published: Tue Jun 22 2021