Patrice O'neal talks about women

we don't want to hurt you if you give a lot of tech to test to a man and a woman and ask them the same questions man we would pass them both up to a point where it's like hey ask a woman you love your man you love your family you love your home you love what you built yep all right you see Brad Pit or Denzel Wasing or whatever standing there would you risk everything you built with your man just to sleep with him and women look they go no I wouldn't and they still pass the test they be like you know they look good but I wouldn't ask guys the same thing you know boom love your woman the kids the H yeah all right you you see that girl passed out behind the dumpster would you risk everything for a past out woman behind a [Applause] dumpster I don't want to but look at her with garbage on she looks so cute with garbage on her we're like uh I'm trying to like make it so women just like understand a little bit of like just to sympathize it's like we're we're like sport fishermen this is what I'm saying men like to fish and Sport Fishing is different from catching fish for food you just get it you get it you catch it and you you know you you show your friends cuz you want them to know that you you can catch fish you take a couple of pictures so you can show people the fish that you have the ability to catch and then you release it back into the water but a lot of women in here you have boyfriends or husbands you would fish that jump back on the boat and just was like flapping looking at me like hi I was wondering if you're going to be fishing here again next week [Applause] like yeah for other fish get off my boat is that how you treat all the fish You' be like oh God damn nope I'm sorry sweetie you're the last fish I ever wanted to be with now you stuck stuck with the last fish who was loving you and fighting hard to be on your boat then she got comfortable and now instead of doing this she's like so we've been together for like a year now why do you still have a boat you be like so what she trying to say I can't catch fish no more what I you need to catch some fish because if I lose my ability to catch fish then you not going to find me sexy no more so you got to smell fish on me so that you know I can catch fish so you can act right what's your name Dave what's your name hi he this is truth when you call Dave from another room Dave immediately he goes what the what does she want now Dave you want to hear what happened to me today he be like oh oh oh ladies let's discuss if look let's discuss harassment for a second what why can't I harass you sometimes [Applause] sometimes I can never harass you never and I'm not talking about like I'm talking [Applause] just at the job it's unfair that I can't harass you at the workplace like you looking how you looking and I can't just a little something that has to do like you got to be careful careful just to say hey you look beautiful today that's how messed up the game is I think you should be able to comment on any part of the body that you see if you I'm serious what's your name what's your name jeie now jeie no disrespect but if I work with you I should be to walk in and go oh Genie beautiful uh titty meat you have there and cuz I see that but whatever the scientific term is I'm looking at Mr a 4.9 grade point average what's the what's the science term for uh T the titty meat what's the actual and it's not the cleavage I mean the cleavage is the space in the middle I'm talking about the meat the meat the titty part and I'm not being foul just you know who you know what I'm saying just so I can go through the rest of the day without pretending that I don't see which which you understand what I'm saying I mean let's work out a deal don't get me fired having women work with men right it's like having a grizzly bear work with salmon dipped in Honey like so now you dip the salmon in the honey right grizzly bears and the salmon get to walk through comfortable with honey and fish and good morning grizzly bears and the grizzly bears is like hey he a even you can't even growl like ah what's up fish oh my God Human Resources the grizzly bear just did grizzly bear so [Applause] so like I can't even go hey good morning good morning fish good morning oh I can't touch it like oh look at that oh let me just get a little bit of that fish little [Applause] bit get that honey oh my God fish and honey man that's my favorite usually I kill fish and eat them and stuff but I just wanted to just rub that rub a little bit of that God damn that's oppressive like you shouldn't even and there's cameras everywhere you can't do like weird stuff behind a back like why would it be disrespectful I said what's your name Terrell if I go hey Terrell we work together and I go Terrell hey do me a favor let me know when you getting up to go to the bathroom so I can sniff your chair that's disrespectful CU it's sexual but that keeps me from being like I think look I think this should be a holiday uh for lack of a better word harassment day but not that sounds whatever but I mean a day where I get to find out like because and this is why it should be harassment day cuz women get to be inappropriate sexually all the time you get to be inappropriate and when I say inappropriate I mean say hello to me too close hi or some weird massage cuz you think we're friends and you morning little kiss and he's just like oh oh boy oh boy boy boy boy and you think in your head man I wonder if I I wonder if I you know but harassment day allows you to be able to ask all year I say the Tuesday before [Applause] Thanksgiving and it's and it's a beautiful day flowers and everything you buy a flowers you're just real cool you walk up you're respectful you say hey how are you you know good afternoon T happy harassment day and you just like say listen I was wondering all year if you would suck my in the Brom closet [Applause] and you just be like no thank you I'm not and you be like I'm thank you keep the flowers I just thought I made a mistake I thought you was a hoe all year I was confused I thought you was a hoe but you're not let me say this man I I'm a what they I don't know what the term is for uh extreme animal lover like I I get sick when I see animals suffering and I know that's contrary to popular belief somehow somehow it spread out that uh black people we like we hate animals like we can't stand dogs and cats and I I don't get it that's the news doing that cuz they only show dudes that hate dogs like when the Vic stuff was happening what do you think of Michael Vic and the dog they just show every dude they show is like dogs man dogs I drown a dog in a bucket right now we give me a dog where's a where's a dog at I'll kill him I hate dogs I hate dogs and then they'll show a white woman like tongue kissing a dog in the mouth just to prove white people love dogs and then they go back to him and he's mad like look at this dirty white [ __ ] tongue kissing devil devil [ __ ] tongue kissing her a jackal in the mouth devil licking jackles and then she's like sh it's like it's some weird war they always want black people white people to be at War man for some reason why can you hate a I don't people who hate animals like I I don't I'm not going to go I hate you but it's it'll be hard it takes away a piece of how close we might if you go I hate animals like somebody look at a baby seal and go oh I can't wait to hit this mother in the face hate baby seals all cute you looking at baby seal like you ever seen them sad animal commercials that come on like during like 4 in the morning during thre's company reruns and it catch you out of nowhere you be watching Threes Company and then like and they so like it'll be a kitten and they slow motion the kitten up and the kitten and it's a kid got a pencil in his head like somebody stuck a pencil in his face there's a pencil sticking out of his face then they put fun facts 15,000 kittens are stabbed in the head with pencils each year you be like who who is stabbing kittens in the face with pencils why it's a pencil sticking out of his face then they'll show a bunch of puppies shoved in a container or a cup puppies in a cup missing their feet it's wrong hi I'm white lady I'm here to say probably did it you [ __ ] Jackal kissing ho

Channel: Comedy Trip

Views: 2,502,510

Keywords: comedy, stand up, women, Patrice, O'Neal, live, Stand-up Comedy (TV Genre), Humor, Funny, Comedian, Comic

Id: C1IsDto41Tw

Length: 13min 48sec (828 seconds)

Published: Sat Sep 26 2015