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the CIA is marking its 75th anniversary by launching a podcast and because it's the CIA they're launching it directly into an Afghani wedding yeah a new study finds that during the pandemic students math scores drop by almost 10 percent wow so more than half New York City is now requiring employers to disclose salary ranges in all job listings employers Must List everything ranging from the top salary all the way down to the female salary foreign s in Oregon are having large groups of their children ride their bikes to school at the same time in a formation they're calling a bike bus and pedophiles are calling a buffet police in Queens were searching for a suspect who hijacked the bus and then immediately crashed it into a utility pole okay so we know it's a woman what's up tomorrow is the New York City marathon or as Fox News will report it undocumented Africans won wild in streets of New York foreign China has launched the third and final module for its permanent space station now all they have to do is launch some children to assemble it and Arizona woman was arrested after she allegedly went day drinking while her five-month-old child was sitting home alone like a loser Texas police arrested a woman who broke into a man's house stripped naked and slept in one of his beds the man called the police when he realized the woman was not attractive foreign researchers say the number of great whales off Western North America has continued to decline for several years it's a sad fact that makes me wonder if whale oil is really the best way to give my hair this amazing volume British officials have unveiled King Charles III's new Royal monogram the C stands for Charles the r is for Rex and the three is for how many hundreds of yards prince Andrew has to stay away from schools the Postal Service announced a new stamp honoring the late Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg there's also a stamp honoring Clarence Thomas that says flip me over and start licking a video was posted of a recent Smash Mouth concert in which I know recent uh recent Smash Mouth concert in which the lead singer singer is seen slurring his words doing a Nazi salute and threatening to kill an audience member and it gets worse he then started singing it's in England are now using specially trained dogs to detect semen at crime scenes this replaces the old method of detecting semen slipping on it [Music] Elon Musk took over Twitter use of the n-word on the site has reportedly jumped 500 percent it's the biggest increase in the use of the n-word since the last time I stubbed my toe a woman in Slovakia helped the rest of men robbing a gas station by performing oral sex on him until police arrive the woman was able to stall him for that long by being terrible at it foreign [Applause] launched more than 20 missiles into the ocean and all because the little mermaid is black it's not real this week President Biden pardoned thousands of convicted marijuana users and it feels like maybe he celebrated with them a little because yesterday Biden gave a speech at a car factory and opened with this let me start off with two words made in America [Applause] a group of researchers are trying to determine why humans have a desire to feed other animals such as birds and squirrels but if I had to guess it's probably because their wife passed away that'd make you laugh during a White House Ceremony President Biden wished Kamala Harris a happy birthday then accidentally called her a great president even worse he was talking to a portrait of Michelle Obama foreign for several years the New York City commission voted to remove a statue of Thomas Jefferson from City Hall they were finally able to remove it by telling the statue there was a hot black lady outside well then residents in Rome are upset after a wild boar and her six piglets were killed on a playground near the Vatican but it's like they say nothing good ever happens on a playground near the Vatican thank you thank you thank you thank you this week there was a full moon known as the beaver Moon which can be seen about a month after a waxing moon Starbucks has launched a new eco-friendly program called borrow a cup in which customers return their cup after finishing a drink so the store can use it again and Dunkin Donuts plans to compete with this promotion by not doing that foreign murdered her parents has been sold for two million dollars and will be turned into a bed and breakfast though a bed and breakfast where a murder happened is pretty much just a day's in Virginia has become the first state in the South to abolish the death penalty so if you'll excuse me I've got some white women to whistle at the White House has introduced a new plan to put nutrition labels on the front instead of the back so to give you an idea of the overall health of Americans we're too lazy to do this Orthodox Jewish leaders in New York City lashed out at a newly imposed coronavirus restriction in their neighborhoods by setting fires and burning mass and it's a miracle because the mass burned for eight nights come on dude that's a good one come on stop it stop it firefighters in Florida rescued a horse that fell into a septic tank and was nearly submerged in raw sewage a horse submerged in raw sewage is also known as an Arby's beef and cheddar Arby's we eat the horse in the wake of the R Kelly verdict there's a growing movement online to force music streaming services to remove his music I mean after all streaming is basically what got him in trouble in the first place George Floyd on display in New York City Park was defaced for the second time police are searching for the suspect and are planning to serve him with a job application all right a woman in Taiwan who thought her boyfriend was cheating cut off his penis and flushed it down the toilet I'm sorry thought he was cheating South Carolina lawmakers voted to add firing squads to his execution methods and I think it's nice that people will finally get the chance to be shot after they're found guilty a woman in Arizona gave birth to a 14 pound baby boy so now Arizona has two Grand Canyons [Applause] oh my God [Applause] a new study shows that the covet vaccine does not cause infertility in men or women damn it why did I get this a professional golfer in Florida was arrested after he tried to meet a 15 year old girl he met online who turned out to be a detective said the golfer Mulligan [Music] come on man sadly there's more for those of you wondering in golf terms a 15 year old is three under par it was reported that adult model Belle de fiend is making over one million dollars a month by selling her used bath water which is crazy because it doesn't taste that good [Laughter] a new study says that the combined mass of every ant on Earth is greater than the mass of every mammal and bird combined thanks mostly to this juicy dish foreign Walmart Walmart announced that members of its Walmart Plus subscription service will be able to take advantage of Black Friday sales four hours early experts believe it could be the most violent Gathering of Walmart shoppers since January 6th [Applause] border officials have discovered four hundred thousand dollars worth of meth hidden inside pumpkins they could tell the pumpkins were full of meth because they only had like three teeth left New York City Steakhouse Peter Luger has partnered with Madame two souls to filling its dining room with wax figures of celebrities during the pandemic so now you can enjoy a steak with Jimmy Fallon or have a dessert with Audrey Hepburn or have a drink with oh no Bill Cosby in the wake of the ceasefire agreement between Israel and Hamas insiders praise President Biden's light touch when dealing with Benjamin Netanyahu but In fairness everything Biden does involves some kind of touch Pfizer also said that its covet vaccine is safe and effective for teens aged 12 to 15. well that's a relief said Matt Gates in a new documentary an ex-girlfriend of prince Andrew describes Jeffrey Epstein and jelaine Maxwell as Batman and Robin come on what does Batman and Robin have in common with a billionaire that Grooms teenagers Disneyland's Snow White ride is being criticized because Prince Charming kisses Snow White without her consent while she's asleep which still isn't as bad as Universal Studios New Cosby the ride a growing number of NFL players are filling up their time they're off time by playing chess with each other and also let's see here domestic violence that's how they're spending their time Colin researchers have discovered a piece of 20 million year old petrified wood on the Greek Island of Lesbos they knew it was from Lesbos because it's double-ended oh almost a hundred art industry figures have criticized four different Museum plans to postpone exhibits featuring an artist's paintings of the KKK but if you want to see portraits of clansmen you can always search Jost on ancestry.com [Applause] okay well whatever the Yankees Legend Whitey Ford died this week at the age of 91. Ford reminds us of a simpler time when you could just name your kid Whitey it is dark a woman oh it's getting worse a woman flying to Detroit said she woke up to a pastor urinating on her which explains why her dream was about her being baptized a new law has been passed in California requiring companies to have more diversity in their board of directors which is how I forced my way onto the board of bet there's going to be some changes around here thank you Senator Bernie Sanders suggested that he's that he supports replacing fellow Democrats Joe manchin and Kirsten Cinema damn Bernie stabbing your own co-workers in the back that's unforgivable I would never suggest college should be fired no matter how much better I think Bowen would be [Music] don't stop until it's over [Music] Hefner's former girlfriends revealed that the Playboy Mansion is haunted she knew it was haunted because if you turn on a black light you see ectoplasm everywhere gen z icon Kyle Rittenhouse [Laughter] for the return of his rifle so he can destroy it I don't know careful Kyle trying to get your memorabilia back is how they finally got OJ thank you the head of Chicago's police Union is urging officers to defy the city's vaccine mandate which is weird because usually Chicago Police can't wait to take the shot police in Ohio say that a report of a homeless man sleeping on a bench turned out to be a statue which was a huge relief because they shot it 15 times Pebbles who was the world's oldest living dog has died at the age of 22 but it's okay his owners knew this was coming if they didn't keep him off my yard a new poll shows that 75 percent of lgbtq Voters support Joe Biden but zero percent of them support Joe Biden guessing what the B T and Q stand for foreign celebrated the illegal annexation of Ukraine with a night of entertainment in Red Square say what you will but a gig's a gig [Music] startup Airline boom supersonic is hoping to eventually fly passengers anywhere in the world in four hours or less for just a hundred dollars so get ready to fly fast and cheap on the only Airline named after the sound of an explosion this is fun a Canadian woman was fined more than twenty five thousand dollars for illegally importing bull semen meanwhile in the U.S bull semen is sold legally under the name whiteclaw [Applause] I removed more than 120 magnetic beads swallowed by a five-year-old boy wow wait till his boss at the factory hears about this the CDC cdc's warning about a salmonella outbreak that's linked to bird feeders yet another piece of bad news for people who eat out of bird feeders a conductor a conductor of a bullet train is facing disciplinary action after he left the controls to use the bathroom while the train was traveling at nearly 100 miles an hour but brother that chili was traveling at the same speed [Applause] new Italian Prime Minister Giorgio Maloney has been accused of spreading white supremacist ideas which is crazy we're now counting Italians as white Sizzler restaurants have announced that as a result of the impact from covid they are filing for bankruptcy which is probably a good idea since the Sizzler buffet is the closest thing America has to a Wuhan wet Market the population of Los Angeles has fallen for the third straight year well it's like Colin always says La is just not the same without Harvey that's cool researchers say that a system on the International Space Station that turns astronaut urine into drinking water could be used to provide clean water on Earth which is the kind of amazing Innovation that makes me think wait then what are astronaut brownies made of the chief well you're not gonna like this the chief of the Cherokee Nation is calling on car maker Jeep to stop using the tribe's name on its Vehicles so jeep has agreed to change the name to wow the antimimo mobile finger R Kelly was found guilty of racketeering and sex trafficking this week but won't be sentenced until next May after R Kelly's lawyers successfully negotiated one more school year it was reported that Federal authorities investigating the sex trafficking accusations again Matt Gates have secured the cooperation of his ex-girlfriend but not until after her prom [Applause] thank you doctors saying that a man who came into an emergency room complaining about chest pains had a 10 centimeter chunk of cement lodged in his heart wow anyways he's dead Mattel is releasing a Helen Keller Barbie doll just remember not to let her drive the Barbie Corvette British woman was shocked when she discovered a four foot long python in her toilet but hey that's Indian food for you foreign back to the Grand Canyon joke officials in Georgia say that more than 50 children may have been exposed to coronavirus by a mall Santa which is the second worst thing a mall Santa can expose children to the U.S men's soccer team failed to qualify for the Olympics for the third time in a row but fellas keep your heads up and remember that win or lose you will always get paid more than the women's team it's true Sesame Sesame Street has introduced two new black Muppets to help explain racial difference to Children which begs the question are these Muppets White Thursday was National No broad day which I celebrated by not supporting women it's a bronzo Tuesday was National puppy day unfortunately at Subway oh it was revealed that Freddy the world's tallest dog has died the cause of death has been listed as ceiling fan this week Britain's most eligible bachelor prince Andrew officially deleted his Twitter account after he realized that's not the app with all the dancing teenagers Catholic leaders issued new pandemic guidelines for Ash Wednesday discouraging priests from wiping ashes directly off people's foreheads and I think no touching could just be a great new rule in general Mr Price has launched an online Museum showcasing its toys over the past 90 years or you can see them in person at America's most famous Toy Museum the Neverland Ranch [Applause] Southwest Airlines has changed their policy for emotional support animals and will now only allow cats and dogs on board while over its Spirit everyone's given a snake [Music] Eminems announced that they've redesigned their iconic Eminem characters After People requested that the brown m m not look like a teacher who has sex with her students insiders are also saying that during meetings President Biden repeatedly uses the f word in conversation more concerning the f word he keeps using is forget police in Florida say that multiple shots were fired during a fight outside of Chuck E cheese but there were no victims located maybe check the pizza a new study by astronomers finds that the Galaxy is not as black as previously thought after it was seen dating a white lady

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Keywords: Savage Weekend Update Jokes, weekend update jokes, snl, saturday night live, colin jost, michael che, colin jost michael che, best of weekend update colin jost michael che, funny, snl 48, swap jokes, offensive jokes, Saturday night live, Colin Jost, Michael Che, Colin Jost and Michael Che, savage, comedy, Colin Jost and Michael Che swap jokes, Colin Jost snl, Michael Che snl

Id: rPYWW4MpZ60

Length: 22min 22sec (1342 seconds)

Published: Fri Feb 10 2023