Passive Reciprocation: 5 Ways We Soothe Our Ego to Cope With Rejection

so I attempted to ghost you you didn't notice hey I exist are you well first of all raise your hand if you needed this video right now just from the title alone as a matter of fact thumbs up this video if you need it to see this right now hey you know I really feel like this is a timely topic aside from real life inspiration I actually saw this quote that said that if you have to cut someone off in order to provoke them into wanting you or even demonstrating basic empathy it is time to opt out let's be real here okay how many times have we manipulated a situation to get a fixed outcome or weren't a certain reaction out of a men Before we jump into these tips uh-huh yeah you're itching a scratch because you want to hear it uh-uh slow your roll you better subscribe because I'm not playing this anymore I'm not doing this anymore subscribe if you haven't already be sure to follow me on Instagram that'll be over here make sure that you are subscribed to my mailing list I have really really exciting news on the way for you guys a lot of amazing projects coming up soon that is the best way to stay up to date and know what's going on with me before it hits this channel I also have a monthly newsletter which will be coming out as well and the quality Queen comment of the day is hey Asia I started watching your videos about a year ago when I was getting out of and over a toxic relationship you have helped me so much grow as a woman recently I started focusing less on dating boys and more on improving myself and my personal development I love that you started covering these topics more on your channel the timing is perfect you are literally an inspiration PS I love your makeup in this video oh thank you so much and yes I really do think it's important to have that balance of knowing when to focus on yourself sometimes people like to circle the drain over and over again and they are going insane for a reason because you can't keep trying to escape the lessons that you are supposed to learn by repeating the same patterns and dealing with the same people you have to know when to just actually take the time to work on yourself and not a serial monogamist and let's get on into this video so we all have toxic traits to be honest let's acknowledge that rule of thumb and like I said before we've all have been guilty of manipulating a certain situation in order to get a desired outcome we've all tried different tactics to cope with rejection or coping with something that we didn't really like so in the spirit of self-awareness and soul work in service of becoming the quality Queen that I know that you are let's reveal them shall we passive reciprocation five ways we soothe our ego to cope with rejection number one eliciting responses come on let's me transparent here okay this is not a video where we're gonna you know play nice tough love today we've all been there where we texted a guy you really liked because he's not texting us back and we assume or we think that him answering us means that he cares or we buy the story of he was too busy so we feel inclined to refresh his memory hey I exists and here where have you gone I am devastated now this is where it gets tricky this is a sure way to getting breadcrumbs where you attempt to get certain responses on multiple platforms like responding to a meme or even sending him a meme or he actually only responds to you on social media he ignores your tax but then responds to your story or looks at your story that's essentially where bread crumbing is this is a sure way to get into both a situation ship and also a sure way to be bread crumbs that's an example of how you get into a situation ship where you are engaging in passive reciprocation no to pretending to ghost ok ladies the gig is up so we probably do this a lot more now than we used to like in life because now that we like are a little bit on to the game the rules have changed and this is more second nature to men however you have to understand that you cannot use as leverage to get a guy back yes exactly what I just said because I promise you that's when all the games will begin because in all actuality disappearing isn't necessarily a grand act of courage it's something that we do when we are not as emotionally mature or we are emotionally unavailable so that's why a lot of the times guys when they do things like this being that they are not usually in touch with their emotions first like women are they do things like ghosts and all these different disappearing acts and popping up again from the dead but as women we most likely ghost a guy because we assume that it's gonna make him want us or we just ghosts in general because we simply weren't interested guilty anyway only ghosts if you are genuinely going to leave that person I mean seriously only ghosts if you genuinely have zero intentions of coming back because it sounds like a good idea but I promise you it's not effective think I know why you're in a position in the first place to feel compelled to warrant that reaction and in all actuality he may not even care enough to even notice what it is that you're doing anyways and that's even more hurtful like when you're chewing each other like stick it to them and it's like ah and they just they even really get it they okay so I attempted to ghost you you didn't notice I am literally disintegrating on a molecular level I'm that embarrassed if the only way that you can get this guy to care about you or feel like he cares about you by cutting him off or pretending to disappear for a while in hopes that it will trigger some sort of remorse or maybe in turn make him want to change or finally give you the relationship that you wanted by him realizing what he missed you're not gonna get it this way I hate to be the bearer of bad news but it's true and as easy as it is to say way easier said than done try your best to not get into the habit of forcing favourable outcomes because it's all fun and games until you realize that you're circling the drain and you're hitting the same wall over and over again you're not making any progress if you are going to actually go ghost you actually have to go goes for men they are not wired in the way that they're going to think oh my god no way I I can't believe I let this girl go it doesn't happen I'm sure okay but for the majority he might not even realize you go some might not even bother to contact you or he might swing back around a couple months later hey what happened to you I kind of just thought you didn't want to talk and it's like okay so you thought I didn't want to talk to you you didn't find it weird that I haven't spoken to you in like four months are you well anyway number three attempting to be just friends oh so naive I've been there so I'm not even I'm not even coming at you like that but listen don't try to just be friends with someone because you absolutely know that they don't want anything more with you this is a way to cope with rejection because you are still soothing your ego by having this individual around but you are trying to make it seem like oh yeah we're just friends and I'm just gonna be friends with him because I haven't even run a relationship anyway but that's only because you already know he doesn't want a relationship with you I caught you so essentially it might feel like a win-win like yes I get to be his friend and then maybe if we just stay friends he's gonna end up falling in love with me and realized that I'm just so amazing and then he'll just realize that he doesn't want to just be my friend guys are k very perfectly capable of sleeping with their friends they do it all the time in fact you're probably the friend he's sleeping with right now guys do things like this all the time why do you think there are a thousand situation chips in the world why do you think there are so many friends and benefits in the world because genuinely guys do sleep with their friends woman don't we think we do but we really don't and if we're if we are engaging in that type of dynamic it's probably because we accepted the fact that it's never gonna be anything more and we're kind of place holding someone until we meet who we really want to be with there are so many it's very multifaceted so you never really know in individual circumstances but I'm guaranteeing you under the age of 25 for you that's not really the case more than likely you cannot handle a dynamic like that after 20 what nobody really wants to be just friends with somebody that they are giving their body to you know it's just it's just it's on the cookie crumbles and even if you think you're okay with the dynamic like that you're still gonna want added benefits that sort of align with being in a relationship so you may actually think you know I genuinely am not in a position right now where I want to be in a relationship and I have this you know a great chemistry with this individual and so I don't really see why not plus like I already know him you know we've been here already but then you're going to want certain things like you want to hang out with him you know during the week or like on the weekends and you're finding that you are missing that emotional component which a lot of us do need and then when you turn around and you realize oh darn I don't really only want to come over at you know 10:00 at night and then I'm literally out of your house at four am like no I don't want to do that anymore and understand that usually people decide that they just want to be your friend they mean it I feel like guys more than women have the capability to look at a woman and know okay this girl is you know special doesn't mean they still won't test you and try to you know be basic with you but they just know it's an energy that you embody that they just know you're different they know that they probably really do like you and that it could go beyond what they may have wanted but they also have the capability of knowing when I have zero interest in ever being anything with this you know woman and that also depends on whether or not they are emotionally available but just know that guys know there is no timeline when it comes to men I don't know we got to really get that out of our heads because why is there no timeline when it comes to how best you want to sleep with me but when it comes to anything more serious we got to wait to have a conversation but we didn't have to wait for you to see me naked huh we have to wait to have a conversation about what we're doing but you want to see me naked are you well you need to get checked out I'm concerned if you have to get crafty again cunning manipulative just so that this guy will stick around it won't work trust and believe me you will continue that same pattern and dynamic throughout the entire situation ship because I can assure you it will never be an actual relationship time for bending over backwards always being super available bending your schedule around him so you don't miss a chance to hang out with him and by you doing this and waiting at his beck and call essentially you're hoping oh he'll see that I'm really you know an amazing girl and I'm very nice and I'm very domestic Kate I can't talk and I'm very domesticated and you know what you probably are but you have to learn to play your role you cannot get wifey treatment you're cooking you're cleaning you're offering everything because you do like him and naturally as women we are nurturers so we are more inclined to you know show this nurturing side of ourselves and kind of you know take care of things it's what we do but the only thing that he's benefiting from is your lack of boundaries you know many times we've all been there where we want to just show a guy all that we have to offer well we're great cooks we clean very well we keep ourselves together their great qualities to have however everyone doesn't deserve the chance to see you know that side of yourself because half at the time they don't even really care I mean I'm not saying be a slob or whatever but the right guy is going to have the understanding that you may possess those qualities already and he understands that he has to earn the right for you to unleash those things we do a lot of these things we do too much for the wrong people I've been there before member one time I dated this guy and I was thinking let me just show him what a great person I am because he seems rather jaded that hasn't changed and I realized that no matter how much I'm trying to be as emotionally available as humanly possible this person is not opening up they still are just very superficial surfacey and I wasn't getting anywhere and me feeling bad and expressing myself emotionally or even trying to be very you know helpful it didn't really go anywhere because this person just simply wasn't on that page and there was nothing that I could do to change that if he doesn't want a relationship with you you're wasting your time and I said this in another video of mine where anytime a guy says he's not ready for a relationship the with you is silent yes it means he's not ready for a relationship right now with you because he will go the next day and lock eyes with someone and just there's just this instant connection because sometimes energy is just that you know magnetic and it just draws you to that individual and you just don't know why and guys do this a lot where they'll be wasting your time for eight years and know who meet a check within a month and just know I want to marry her come on how does that happen how come it took you eight years to earn well sort of kind of not sure we keep trying and I just don't understand what and it's not gonna work if someone can't make that decision in at least three months yeah you thought I was gonna say a year didn't you oh no three months that's how long it takes to typically kind of get the gist of knowing someone I'm not saying know them completely because that takes a lot longer obviously realistically but in terms of compatibility that will give you a rut you know a rough estimate of whether or not you're from out and then also in addition to that there are people sometimes that we may be compatible with but they're not compatible with us and I know you're like that doesn't make sense and there was an analogy that I saw that I think this psychologist named spirit talked about and she gave the you know analogy of think about a square and a circle so if let's say you're in your boyfriend is a square or the guy you're interested in is a square and you're the circle no matter what you do those four corners are not gonna be fulfilled so to you you could feel like I love this relationship this is a great relationship but to the guy it's you know who's the square he just still feels like there are certain needs that are unmet and no matter how much you expand the circle there's those four corners are still not going to be touched because no matter what you do to it no matter how many times you try to reroute it's still not going to fit what can you do it doesn't really take that long for guys to make a decision on whether or not they actually want to be with you I actually am learning that the older that I become it does not take that long and it just brings me back to this you are either being played with or planned with and there are many variations of being played lastly number five making excuses for men no more this is very very very popular this is what we do when we're trying to cope with rejection or we don't realize that we are lowering our standards so that we meet him where he is so that we can feel like this person is fulfilling our needs more what in fact he just sucks yes he just sucks like it is what it is and a lot of times we do this because it is a form of coping and it's unfathomable to us the situations that we find ourselves in sometimes you know it's like the common sense has left and we need a swift return when you like someone who do have feelings for them and a desire to bond with that individual now bonding for woman is not solely going to be sexual bonding for men that's a part of bonding from their perspective however if that was really the case there surely bonding with a lot of people it's nasty they're bonding with a lot of different people so think about that if a guy is capable of having these bonds like you know like a tree branch just like reaching out to everyone all across you know the country and we as women operate differently where we need quality time spent with it individual and really just learning more about them we unleash you know that curiosity quite soon and unfortunately this is where our judgment gets clouded because of the fact that we when we like someone we want to bond with them and we want to spend more time with them and this is passive reciprocation at its finest if you're always gonna be making excuses for why didn't text you why he planned a date and didn't even speak to you on the day of the date why he is always changing his schedule saying that he wants to meet you at an appropriate hour but then magically it always ends up being after 10 p.m. never wants to take you out to dinner or anything he's always exhausted and wants you to just come by his house after work all of these things and you like this guy so you're making up excuses well he did tell me he was busy I mean at least he communicated to me that he's busy and it's like guys really make time for anything that they want anything that they want people make time for what they really actually want men get with who they can and women get with who they want so if you're going to be making excuses for him and making it so easy to fit into his schedule then he's going to think I'm perfect Wow anytime I hit her up she's going to answer she's gonna come over she's gonna do this she's gonna do that and I don't even have to do anything there's really not much to invest in this situation it's so easy why would a guy shut that option down exactly men are only as faithful as their options most of the time a lot of the time so stop assuming that these guys don't realize how inappropriate their behavior is or was or how much they hurt your feelings they are well aware trust me they are well aware of what it is that they're doing they're probably just banking on you not mentioning it you're feeling uncomfortable to mention it or maybe not being able to mention it at all because well you're probably not in a relationship with him anyway the only time that you actually do have the right to say something in that regard is when that person can be held accountable by being your boyfriend more than likely and if you genuinely believe that they don't recognize what it is that they're doing then have no business trying to be in a relationship or in an adult relationship dynamic with them if you genuinely believe all these excuses that he that he has why is it that you're always accommodating yourself for this one individual this is why I say keep a roster because that way you can't put pressure on one individual to act a certain way and I know we always like one guy more than everybody else but it's just a safety net so that you can just sort of when things get a little sticky and you get a little attached prematurely you can maneuver your way you know and wiggle your way out of that sort of you know situation because you know ultimately if it's always one person that you're going to be you know talking to and you're going to get distracted and it's gonna feel like a relationship because what are relationships stereotypically monogamous okay they are monogamous and if you're going to enter into that being monogamous with someone that you don't even know what what is it they're doing nine times out of ten every single person that you're talking to especially in the beginning it's talking to someone else I promise you there usually is I've never seen an instance where that has not been the case unless if I was in high school where now you know me being in my you know 20s it's like more than likely that guy is talking to someone else so in conclusion let's just be real if you find yourself having to get crafty arts-and-crafts you are playing a game whether you realize it or not and the game will begin the games will be played trust me no matter how many times that you try to manipulate the outcome you will keep hitting the same wall because think about a time where someone has liked you and you didn't feel the same it doesn't matter what this person does come hell or high water you or just your feelings are not going to change and you know the older I become I realize if I always have to strike up a conversation with this person I have to text them first or I have to get crafty so that they can remember me or notice me or miss me I have to hold my tongue cuz I'm not really sure if I could say this or that because I don't know what his reaction is gonna be I don't want it I don't want who doesn't want me I don't I genuinely don't and it's a very freeing reality to accept because it's very clear to me it's very evident now some of us like playing games cuz we just like playing games and the older you are the better you do get at it especially as a woman but you know staying on track here and you know stereo typically speaking generalizing you have to understand and accept people where they are romantically don't try to stick around because you're hoping is gonna change and proving yourself doing all this stuff it will not work I've seen so many situations of guys that have been with girls playing up and down with their feelings for years and years and years and years and years on end and you still don't get the guy what are you doing it's embarrassing now you got to move on you really do you turn around you're 35 and you've been with the same person for 12 years you know ring is in sight and it's not coming it's just not assess your situation be realistic and what it is but you can actually get so I understand that it feels good to hang out with this guy and it feels good to just text him and just see if he's gonna respond to you it feels good I understand that but you need to be mature and understanding the evidence that is presented in front of you cuz a lot of the times the easiest answer is always the right one if we feel confused any confusion at all it's because something is you know a lot of the times guys they get uncomfortable and sort of have that energy around them of uncomfortability and what's gonna make you uncomfortable as well because they don't feel like they should be defending something that they don't want to you know simply defend oh where were you on Thursday I'm sorry like are you my girlfriend like right oh so I can't ask you where you were on Thursday but you can hit me up on Friday expecting me to come over and get naked of how make it make sense what am i gaining here what are you offering like I really don't understand it just don't do it I don't even I can go on and on I just don't do it we spend way too much time being confused way too much time I was thinking from experience way too much time it's been 2 weeks 14 days this guy texted you two weeks ago and said he wants to see you soon it's been 14 days so seeing me soon means 14 days of not speaking already we're off to a bad start because you and I don't define things nearly in a similar way to me soon meant this week maybe two or three days for you two weeks and I have to strike up a conversation I'm not stupid okay you are not stupid and then wonder why we get so crafty anyway at the end of day like I said make sure that you have a roster so that you can avoid these types of situations that we tend to put ourselves in when we like a guy and guys seem to have a huge cognitive dissonance for why women get like this it's because you have to consider what you did to warrant this reaction you cannot this is just how women are this is just how we function just like how guys function by you know digging their bones wherever they can this is just how we are if we're gonna be with someone we genuinely want to be with them and for men they don't really understand still the fact that one there are so many different types of women these days you don't have to lie to get into a girl's pants and more than likely if you find yourself doing that it's because you know that in an ordinary circumstance she wouldn't accept what it is that you're offering but on the contrary a lot of us accept the terms with you know these guys because we're hoping that we can change it anyway so to me it's like why lie why lie about what it why not just be extremely upfront I will never understand that I will never understand why there isn't just full transparency that's just me and I want to be clear I always encourage growth on this channel but I know you guys message me plenty of times with not asking for advice on how to leave but it's always asking for advice on how to stay or you want me to offer you more options and give you reasons to stay in your situation and I get it but you have to understand that in service of getting your hopes up and getting your feelings hurt it's not worth it positioning yourself to force someone to care oh it's just not worth it they're like they're never good and making someone want to care more will actually do the exact opposite it's actually going to make them care less considerably less all the things that I mentioned many of us are guilty of and we don't realize that when we these things and we have we find ourselves getting crafty we have a lot of time for the games the younger that we are even in our 20s but the older that you become you don't have time for all of these tricks and games with these guys you just don't have the time let's just be fair if you're over the age of 25 have the understanding that you need to assess your situation as is and come up with a realistic result and not try to get crafty and try to evoke certain emotions out of you know this guy when it's very clear here that he is not on the same you know path as you at this current moment if you find yourself having to do any of these things you've officially signed up for the games and you're going to get played or play yourself and always remember that trying to you know evoke emotion and communication out of an individual that doesn't care is simply going to be ineffective so angels that is the end of this video I hope that you guys have enjoyed it let me know in the comments section below what other videos you guys would like to see next I know we have been enjoying a lot of topics on discussing personal development and don't worry I have a lot more where that came from but that being said do not forget that I love you and God loves you in OC angels in my next video

Channel: Asha Christina

Views: 135,019

Rating: 4.9707608 out of 5

Keywords: quality queen, quality queen control, Feminine, Femininity, personal development, law of attraction, purpose, finding your purpose, motivation, motivational speech, school of affluence, loa

Id: 9SxYwRGqli8

Length: 27min 57sec (1677 seconds)

Published: Fri Jun 12 2020

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[u/divdec]

Good points “if you have to get crafty and cunning to get him to stick around it’s not gonna work” lmao sooo true like don’t bend over backwards to keep a relationship going. She’s right that men do know really quickly who they’re gonna marry and it’s never the girl who’s playing games trying to strategize to get him to like her. It’s the girl who is hard to get by her nature because she’s busy and self absorbed, not the girl who plays hard to get but is not so secretly a pickmeisha whose entire self worth that day depends on if the guy she likes is showing her enough attention. Men can read our energy and desperate energy is repulsive to them. They’ll bang you, but then they’re going after the girl who never pays them a single thought.

I liked the bit in the beginning about just working on yourself and not being a serial monogamist. I think every woman should have a period in her adult life where she’s single for at least 2 years with no hookups and no distractions. Women need to see how easy it is to build an incredible life on your own and that it shouldn’t be so easy for a man to have your time and attention. Being single should be seen as a way to honor yourself, not a sad unfulfilled existence without a man.

[u/srkambbs1]

Idk she kept pushing for subscribing and that turned me off

[u/43rdaccount]

omg tysm for sharing. i def needed it -- im guilty of all 5 things 🤡 gonna check out the rest of her channel

also shes so gorgeous

[u/sunny990802]

This is so good! So straightforward and logical!

[u/tobikko]

I love Asha! Her advice aligns well with FDS and she tells it like it is. She's one of the reasons I started questioning lib feminism that had been fed to me through years of tumblr and social media.