Overcoming Negative Self-Talk: How You Think Changes How You Feel With Nick Wignall

all right everyone I am super excited today  because I have a special guest on my channel   his name is Nick Wignal and he has a blog that  I read all the time and every time I read it I   learned something new so I think you guys are  really going to love him because the way he   teaches and the way he explains concepts is very  orderly and it gives you really actionable steps   so hi nick thank you so much for um joining my  channel for being willing to spend some time with   us today yeah you bet thanks for having me yeah I  really appreciate you taking the time out of your   schedule today we are going to talk a little bit  about how we talk to ourselves and how we treat   ourselves and some ways we can improve that to  to do a little bit better so okay well let's talk   about self-talk right um what what is self-talk  how would you describe like what is self-talk   um yeah so in some ways I think you don't want to  get too complicated with it it's just the way you   talk to yourself in your head like we all talk  to ourselves um I think some of us are more or   less aware of how much we talk to ourselves and  sort of the quality of that speech but I think   I think all of us kind of understand that  like thoughts kind of run through your mind   the kind of two ways I like to think about there's  two different ways I like to approach this um one   is to think about it like you just like you have  different ways of talking to different people in   your life you know so like I I talk to my old  rugby buggies from college in a very different   way than I talk to my grandmother right like um  it's it's just a different kind of style I have   like a different uh approach to talking we tend  to talk about different things um so the way I   talk to certain people is going to be a little bit  different than the way I talk to other people and   and so one way you can think about self-talk is  just like you have a certain style or approach to   talking with different people in your life um most  of us have a certain style of talking to ourselves   and so that's one way of looking at self-talk  so what are some of the common patterns you   see with your clients of people like how they  talk to themselves um both like harmful ways or   potentially some you know helpful ways yeah so I  think it's again it's important to answer I want   to start this kind of answer by reminding everyone  of their different styles of communicating and   it's not that one or one or the other is bad or  good right they're just better or worse or more   helpful in different situations and with different  people so we can think about the same thing with   ourselves with our self-talk and the what happened  when people get into trouble with self-talk   is when their self-talk gets really stuck they get  stuck in a certain style of talking to themselves   or about things that happen um and they can't  shift gears to introduce a new metaphor here   so like a really common one for  instance is um so one likes um   technically they're called cognitive distortions  but their their style their ways of thinking   about things that are either inaccurate or  kind of unhelpful and so um one of them is   called fortune telling right and fortune telling  is when you are basically predicting the future   now the ability to predict the future is it can  be a really great thing our ability to kind of   imagine like what's going to happen in the  future obviously super important like i'm glad   we can do that right yeah but we we do that  well when there's some data or evidence for   what's going to happen in the future when you  when you're reasoning based on real kind of data   or or evidence or yeah whatnot but when you're  doing that when you're just um catastrophizing   for instance you're just going straight to the  worst case scenario right without any reason for   going there you that's a that's a mental habit  you can get into you can just get into a habit   of immediately start starting to tell yourself oh  this terrible thing is going to happen dot dot dot   dot and then kind of going down that like rabbit  hole um another one this is never going to work   i'm going to fail college no one's going to  like me um you know things like that right   exactly not only is it inaccurate right when  you're kind of making assumptions about the   future but you don't actually have any evidence or  data for that but it's just not especially helpful   right so that's that's one of them um mind reading  is another one where again there's a useful   version of this where i'm kind of listening to  you and i'm inferring from your facial expressions   that like all right nick that is getting pretty  boring like let's move on to the next thing like   that's good that I can kind of read you right and  get a sense for maybe what you're thinking like   all these things could have a function when  they're using the right time right like so mind   reading like trying to empathize or understand  what someone else is thinking can help you be   a little bit more in tune to them but then and  then it can go wrong right yeah I mean but if you   if you do that constantly like and you do it  without any sort of real evidence if i'm just   making up stories in my mind about what you're  thinking of what i'm talking about that can start   to be really unhelpful it can start to lead to  a lot of unnecessary anxiety stress frustration   anger whatever it is um so i think the first kind  of takeaway I think when it comes to self-talk is   just to realize there are different like styles  of thinking right um sometimes you're going to   be really kind of jokey or even sarcastic  right sometimes you're going to be really   empathetic and supportive sometimes you're going  to be really intellectual sometimes you're going   to be really pragmatic none of these are good or  bad right but they're different styles of thinking   and just like you can have different styles of  thinking about the world and what's happening   you can have different styles of thinking  about yourself and talking to yourself   and so first of all it's just important  to be aware of that and to ask yourself   do i tend to get really stuck in one particular  style like do i tend to personalize that's another   one right whenever something bad happens and  something you know someone critiques my work I   I instantly go from you know they didn't like the  presentation to they think i'm a terrible employee   right or instead of like yeah i put my foot  in my mouth and said that kind of insensitive   thing and they didn't like that it's they think  i'm a terrible person or like or i'm i'm an awful   husband or spouse or something like that right  yeah yeah so you think like a little mistake or   you take a little flaw or some piece of criticism  and you you turn this into your identity right   you're like oh I am a terrible mother instead  of oh i just did that thing that wasn't great   like i'm a terrible mother right right and these  things are all we often times we can kind of   see them after the fact if someone points out you  know the next day like you kind of like jump into   conclusions there or like maybe you're kind of  projecting out into the future and there's not a   lot of good reason you can after the fact you can  step back and go like oh yeah okay there wasn't a   whole lot of evidence for that or I know i'm not  a terrible person just because I made one mistake   the the trick though is to be  able to see it in the moment   and this is where it's it's really hard to  be able to move out of that narrator voice   and see yourself like you would the author to be  able to see both the narrator and the character   and to take a more kind of balanced um perspective  on things and it's it's just really hard and it   takes a lot of practice um to be able to do that  but before you can even start to work on that   you have to start thinking about self-talk more  generally and these different styles that's why we   have these these little like names like fortune  telling or mind reading or personalizing or   emotional reasoning or there's all these different  labels because the label when you have a word for   something it's easier to think about it if you  don't know if you don't language for something   you're just not going to think about it right  but once you have a word for it you're going to   go oh wait hey i'm doing that thing right  i'm mind reading i'm like projecting into   and so having a word allows us to have more  awareness when you have more awareness you   can catch it okay so giving it a name creates  more awareness and when you have awareness then   you can start catching it and it's not right  in the moment you can start catching it after   even like not even until your next therapy session  the next time you sit down and journal yeah   then gradually you can bring that closer and  closer to that event when you're doing it   and then hopefully catch yourself right before you  do it and say oh that's what I want to do this is   how I want to talk to myself right yep and if  you think about it that's how any process of   skill acquisition works it's always like slow and  awkward at first and you're only catching stuff   after you know if you think about like practicing  scales on the piano or swinging a golf club   or baking something I don't know whatever it is  you always feel slow like you always feel like   you're playing catch-up but if you stick with it  it gets a little bit faster and you get more and   more to the point where you can notice it in the  moment so I was trying to remind people even if   you're even if you're getting frustrated because  you're catching it later after the fact that's   okay that's normal in every area of life this is  how we learn right we're slow and it takes a while   so don't give up just because you don't catch  it in the moment that's not bad that's not   a bad sign that's totally normal you're like  all of us like trying to learn anything right   and so that's good if even if you can't catch it  until your next therapy session or a couple hours   afterwards that's fine the more you catch it  um a day later the easier it's gonna be to   catch it an hour later the more you catch it  an hour later the more you're gonna catch it   you know five minutes later and pretty soon you'll  start to be able to catch it more in the moment   which is really the sweet spot because if you can  catch it in the moment you can actually influence   it and go a different direction right which is  that's the holy grail like that's what we all   want to get to right yeah yeah so how do we do  that right so we've got this habitual pattern   we've been doing it maybe our whole lives maybe  we were spoken to this way as kids right like   our parents maybe said oh you're a failure you're  an idiot or you're gonna fail or stop that you're   so stupid or you know labeling or this talk and  then we develop this habit of internal self-talk   and that we're trying to change it this is like  like bushwhacking neural pathways that's like   combining a couple of things but right like we  can change our brain but it takes a while to beat   these new pathways into our brain right so how do  we do that how do we start changing our self-talk   so first thing you mentioned is like get a name  for it find out a name learn about these cognitive   distortions um and then start being aware of  them start noticing them and then if you can   catch them soon enough you can rewrite them right  exactly yep the kind of next like intermediary   step there is starting to be aware not just of  these patterns of thinking these distortions   but triggers right certain things in your  environment certain people certain ways of talking   certain things that happen to you are going to  be especially triggering of certain patterns of   self-talk so if you can anticipate those triggers  you're going to be much more likely to catch them   like if you just know that um you know on like  Thursday afternoons like my boss is always super   stressed because of some meeting she has and  she's just more likely to kind of say something   biting or insensitive if you know that going  into your Thursday meeting with her it's not   going to surprise you and so you're not going  to be as flustered if you see it coming it's   a lot easier to anticipate it and to deal with  it well that makes so much that that's such a   important thing to remember because I forget  about that a lot like this triggers things   maybe as as a woman I can say this but like  I think it's important to track your periods   because right before your period that is when my  negative is like oh my gosh you are a terrible   human being and if I could be like oh this is  probably at that point in my cycle i'm just   gonna ignore that until I feel better I talk about  with my female clients all the time actually that   comes up a lot um so it's super super common and  that's that's just as meaningful as triggers as   anything else so that's so if you've done kind of  those like I first of all identify know that like   hey self-talk is a thing i tend to talk to myself  sometimes it's not always super helpful there are   these specific modes of talking to myself right  if I can give those a name they're like oh there   goes my mind reading right or oh there goes my  label whatever it is you can catch it more easily   if you're aware of the kinds of triggers like  situations in your environment or your life   for certain people where those unhelpful styles  of thinking are more common you can anticipate   them right which makes you you can adapt better  you can be a little bit faster instead of being   kind of behind the curve all the time yeah then  I think that the next step is to you to realize   just because a thought is the first one that comes  into my mind that doesn't give it any like special   value just because it's first doesn't mean it's  more correct or that I should think more about it   or like it's just the first one it's just the  first one to happen to show up so that is super   super important because if you can do that if  you can recognize like okay it's the first one   and not give any special priority to it it opens  the door to the mo in some ways what's the most   important step which is generating alternatives  alternative stories for what something means right   so yeah I lose my temper and like raise my voice  and my daughter right something like that if my   first thought is like god you're a terrible dad  like she's gonna end up in therapy for the rest   of her life because you're awful um if that's my  first thought and I just assume okay that's true   well now that's gonna lead me down this very  unhelpful path of thinking which is like oh   i'm a terrible dad like all this stuff is going to  go bad like blah blah blah blah blah and then of   course i'm going to feel awful yep i'm not going  to be able to help the situation like my daughter   because i'm feeling so bad right on the other hand  if Ii can catch that initial thought and say okay   wait wait a second here like really like you're  a terrible dad because god forbid you lost your   temper once and raised your voice a little bit  I don't think so like the action was not helpful   right but that does not invalidate me as a person  or as a parent right so an another sort of story   or way of looking at that well one is exactly what  I said like just because one specific action does   not define me as a person right or I might say  something like you know I I regret doing that but   you know all parents lose their cool sometimes um  it doesn't you know like it happens to everybody   right that would be another sort of interpretation  of things like it's not that abnormal   right um or or even another one might be like  you know what like I I don't like that I sort of   yelled at my daughter but actually it's important  for her to see that if she does certain things   right that aren't that are against the rules or  that if she's like mean to her sister right that   has consequences like people like it's okay for  her to see me getting angry sometimes in response   to what she does that itself is not so these are  all examples of different stories or if you prefer   sort of different theories for what something  means yeah I love that because not only are we   questioning a little bit our thinking and that we  can we can put out five or six alternative ways of   describing or making stories about what happened  but then we can ask ourselves which one's true   and which one's helpful and I think sometimes when  someone's like really depressed or really anxious   asking that first question can be hard which one's  true like someone who's really depressed like is   it true that you're a terrible horrible hopeless  human being and they'll be like well I think so   but if you ask is it helpful to believe that  you're a terrible human being does that help   you get out of bed in the morning no that does not  help right so so asking either of those questions   can help people like challenge their thinking and  take something like a little bit more action right   yep yeah I I like selfie if you're struggling  with that if you're like well I just can't   think of anything that's more true or that's  more helpful doesn't matter literally anything   is better than just having one story and going  with it even if the other things you generate   are completely bonkers and off the wall right  that's at least a step in the right direction   you're getting a little bit more flexible with  your thinking and that's really important because   how we feel emotionally flows directly from how we  think and in particular how we talk to ourselves   so if you're stuck in one particular way of  talking to yourself that's really unhelpful   and and overly negative for instance you're  going to be stuck feeling that way and your only   hope of getting out of that is if you can flex  things if you can get a little bit more flexible   right yeah the other kind of I would say  maybe third approach to negative self-talk   which is you don't have to challenge it or even  develop um sort of alternative theories and   you don't necessarily just have to redirect and  think about something else the other thing you   can do is what we sort of therapists and mental  health professionals call self-compassion which   I have mixed feelings about because I I love  the idea of self-compassion is super important   I feel like the phrase turns a lot of people  off so i'm gonna try and explain it in a very   straightforward way which is when we're struggling  we feel bad for something say we're worried about   something most of us I think our self-talk tends  to be pretty intense it tends to be a little harsh   often judgmental if you were to  kind of describe like the quality   of your inner narrator I think words like  that would come up a lot like we're very tough   on ourselves in a lot of ways oh yeah I think  most people are a lot harder on themselves than   on anyone else in their lives well and that's the  big irony right like we're so hard on ourselves   and yet like in the next breath we can be  amazingly like compassionate and empathetic   and supportive when like our best friend who's  struggling with the exact same thing comes to us   like we're like this model of empathy and support  for this other person in our life and we're   we're just like awful to ourselves right  we're super harsh and critical and judgmental   so this idea of self-compassion if that sounds  fancy all it means is learning to treat yourself   like you would treat a friend who is struggling  so when you're struggling right just applying the   same not having a double standard applying  the same standard of support and empathy   that you would apply to someone else who  you cared about and learning to apply that   to yourself and that that's totally okay and  actually turns out secret it works a lot better   than being super hard on yourself um and so what  but at the end of the day what i tell people is   don't take my word for it just experiment with it  a little bit yeah for a week try treating yourself   when you struggle like you would treat a friend  if it doesn't work or it leads you to becoming   a completely irresponsible terrible person  fine give it up you don't have to stick with   it right but just try it out for like a week and  see what happens yeah i just encourage people to   experiment with treating yourself the way you  would treat a good friend and that ends up being a   really powerful in the long run a really powerful  antidote to this problem of overly harsh negative   judgmental self-talk and that takes us like right  back to the beginning right you're talking about   this is like almost like a relationship right you  talk to your buddies in one way you talk to your   grandma in another way how we talk to ourselves  changes how we feel it really impacts our emotions   and if we can be a little bit flexible and be a  little bit curious and maybe experiment with some   different ways of talking to ourselves try it for  a week right try being gentle to yourself like you   would be with a friend and see if that you know  impacts how you feel impacts how you act makes   your life a little bit better exactly exactly  yeah it's really about relationships you just   you do what you would do with any important  relationship in your life like why not   foster that same kind of relationship with  yourself I think is is the way to look at this   and I think ends up being the most helpful  in the long run I would agree with you I   would agree with you is there anything  else you want to share as we wrap this up   it actually it's something you mentioned  I think maybe a good place to end is   this idea that if you tend to be really  harsh and judgmental with yourself   another option is you can be curious with yourself  like when you notice yourself feeling angry right   or um overly personalizing something you can  step back and instead of saying like oh yeah I   must be terrible or I can't believe i'm thinking  like that like what an awful way of thinking   there's this middle ground of just like oh like  that's interesting that that would be my first   response huh and when you when you if you can  approach things with that attitude of curiosity   almost always it will open up many more doors  and more helpful sort of ways to proceed in my   experience it sounds like that's like it just  creates space right like just being curious   about what you're doing creates space and when  we have that space like change suddenly has   options right we have the option to change  yeah yeah absolutely love it love it well   cool thank you so much I really appreciate you  taking time out of your day your busy schedule   to um I think I think my audience is going to  love geeking out on all this self-talk stuff so   awesome thank you for having  me yeah I really appreciate it

Channel: Therapy in a Nutshell

Views: 224,377

Keywords: therapy in a nutshell, stop negative self talk, stop negative self talk now, stop negative self talk youtube, how to stop negative self talk, negative self talk, negative self talk and the brain, negative self talk motivation, stop your negative self talk, self talk, stop negative thinking, stop negative thoughts, how to stop negative thoughts, how to stop negative thoughts and feelings, steve harvey motivation self talk, self talk strategies, what is self talk

Id: KfAAIEncDPo

Length: 21min 37sec (1297 seconds)

Published: Thu Nov 12 2020