Is This Why You're Depressed? Stop Should-ing on Yourself

The other day I asked a client how she was doing  and right off the bat she started should-ing on   herself. "Well i'm not feeling very well."  she said "I'm feeling kind of depressed. But   I should be happy because things are going fine."  she said "I mean, I shouldn't feel so down" she said.   "And I've got so much to do with the new baby  and with my job. I should be spending more time   with him and I should be working harder and I should be more grateful that I have a job at all."   And she went on and on until I stopped her.  She wasn't sure why she was feeling depressed   that week neither was I, but I can absolutely  tell you something that was making it worse:   shoulding on herself. Psychiatrist Karen Horney was  among the first to notice a common pattern among   people who felt guilty depressed and anxious  they constantly said "I should" and so she called   it the tyranny of the should. So here are  some examples of what shoulding sounds like:   I should be able to solve every problem quickly  and easily. I shouldn't feel this way I should   never need a rest. I should never make mistakes. I  should be totally self-reliant. The world should   be fair. My life shouldn't be like this. He should  be more responsible. Strawberries should be cheaper   than french fries. I should be exercising more. I  should spend more time with my kids. Now a should   statement is a cognitive distortion. It's based  on an overly rigid rule inside your head that   you aren't able to live up to. Shoulds generate  a lot of shame. This way of talking to ourselves   is like having a little shoulder angel constantly  finding fault and criticizing you. But shoulds just   aren't that helpful in actually creating change  they mostly just make us miserable and discouraged.   Now if we're striving to live good lives we will  always desire to be a little better than we are.   We will always wish for more time or energy or  ability to do a little more or be a little better.   We'll often make mistakes. This is normal this  is healthy it sometimes hurts but that's also a   good thing the only way to not feel bad when we  mess up is to try to stop caring about our life   purpose and to give up on our dreams. Unfortunately  this desire to be better when paired with our   human nature our fallible nature can turn into a  dangerous pattern of should-ing all over ourselves.   A desire to be kind gets warped into "I shouldn't  ever say no" a desire to help turns into "I should   be able to fix everyone's problems. When we leave  piles of should everywhere in our lives it's easy   to become discouraged, overwhelmed, and feel like  a shouldy person. Should-ing is a bad habit that   sends a message to your brain that you'll never  be good enough. It creates hopelessness which   leads to depression. So how do we stop shooting  on ourselves in order to resolve these shitty   feelings we're going to use the emotion processing  model notice pause explore clarify and act   so the two shows we're gonna look at for our  example are number one i should always be happy   and number two i should spend more time with  my kids so first notice right start by catching   yourself doing it you could decide that i should  is a swear word and make a swear jar you could ask   a friend or family member to call you out when  you say i should or you could write down some   of your shoulds you could make a big list of them  don't filter them you might need another page or   if you're like me a couple of pages so depending  on your list you might have to just work through   one or two of them at a time okay second  pause practice acceptance and compassion   even for yourself let's just start where we're at  so even if you don't want to be feeling this way   you are feeling this way acceptance just  means acknowledging reality in the present   moment it doesn't mean you have to feel  this way forever sometimes when we stop   resisting how we feel we give ourselves a chance  to actually resolve how we feel or for example if   you think oh my kids shouldn't be acting this way  my my boss shouldn't act this way it just makes   you feel angry and resentful so instead say oh  my child is acting this way what will i do about   it or my boss isn't perfect what actions will i  take stop putting so much energy into resisting   reality and instead shift your focus to what you  can change instead okay number three explore your   shoulds so what do you notice about them what  rules or values do these shoulds come from so   for example there's some ideas out there like oh  men should never cry women should never get angry   you should always be positive so to explore these  underlying rules one way to one way to explore   this is by filling in the blank a good blank  should and then fill that blank in with your roles   uh you're being a son a good son should a parent  a good parent should a good worker should a good   christian should et cetera et cetera so put your  roles into that space and see if you can figure   out what those shoulds are and where they came  from and then explore them some more are these   rules truthful are they helpful are they realistic  are they distorted are they demanding are they   crippling would you say them to a friend how do  these rules make you feel do they motivate you   ask yourself the question why should i explore  the reason behind the sheds where are these rules   coming from in her course on improving self-esteem  dr carly lebaron walks you through a process of   exploring the rule behind your shoulds so for  example behind the i should always be happy is   the rule that you're not allowed to have feelings  or you're not allowed to make others uncomfortable   now when i believe these rules they  make me feel worse when i'm down   do they help you how about the other example  behind that i should spend more time with my kids   is the idea oh i need to be a perfect parent  i must entertain my kids 100 of the time   or i really value my kids and i want  them to feel loved now the first two   rules make me feel never good enough and the  third rule is a little bit more motivating   so just ask yourself do these shoulds help me  live my values do they help me live a rich and   meaningful life okay number four is clarify  so we're gonna split these shoulds into two   categories the i could category and the i will  category so first we're gonna talk about the i   could category so we're taking this i should spend  more time with my kids and we're gonna say i could   spend more time with my kids i could take a break  so that i'm a more engaged parent i could try to   be happy all the time but that would be exhausting  i could accept my feelings as they come and go   even if i am feeling down i could still treat  myself kindly um i could practice gratitude   so basically with koods we just toss out a  bunch of options so we can choose which one   will be most helpful or useful for you now this  is really different from an i should statement   i should is really rigid it's the only right thing  and it creates an emotional reaction of just not   being good enough but when we have options we  have the freedom to choose to act on our values   not on whatever our brain is telling us we should  be doing so as we clarify all these options   what do you really value which of these options  seems to line up with your best self which option   might be the most helpful to you in the long  run and number five is act focus your energy   and your attention on the action you choose the  action you choose is the i will so choose which   of these thoughts is going to be most helpful for  you and let go of the rules that aren't helpful   write down a few small actions you'll take so  for example um for my client she might say i'll   be gentle with myself and with my emotions or  instead of saying i should spend more time with   my kids she could say i will take a break and  then i'll come back and wrestle with my kids   so when my client started to recognize how the  shitty thinking pattern was making her feel worse   how it wasn't helping her to get motivated she  started to say i don't really like feeling down   right now but that is how i feel and that's okay  because emotions come and go and then she'd ask   oh well what action can i take and usually  it was either choose to take a little rest   and be gentle with herself or just take one small  action towards mental health like just going for a   walk around the block or calling a friend to talk  so instead of being stuck in the oh i shouldn't   feel this way purgatory she freed herself to  take a little more action and to be a little   bit more compassionate with herself over time  she developed a better relationship with herself   and with her emotions and her depression gradually  lifted for all of you out there i hope you can   start noticing your shoulds and replacing them  with something that's more helpful for you   how would your life be if you weren't  dragging a bag of should everywhere you go   anyway i hope this video is helpful i hope you can  learn to stop shooting on yourself thank you for   watching and take care did you know that you can  give a course to someone you care about the other   day a young man told me that he bought the emotion  processing course and gave it to his father   and that his father was actually taking it  and learning all kinds of things to improve   his emotional health self-improvement is a  lasting meaningful gift to yourself or others   i've got a dozen mental health courses that  can help people with issues from anxiety and   depression to self-esteem and intrusive  thoughts it's easy to sign yourself up   or if you want to give a course to someone  else you just sign up with their email address   and create a password for them and voila they  have access to the course for christmas and   through the new year you can use the code mary to  get 30 off any course for yourself or a loved one you

Channel: Therapy in a Nutshell

Views: 327,749

Keywords: therapy in a nutshell, emma mcadam, mental health, depression, anxiety, Why are you depressed, What’s making you depressed, Are you making yourself depressed, Why am I depressed

Id: PeF-mIrYIIU

Length: 10min 23sec (623 seconds)

Published: Thu Dec 23 2021