I recently got an email from a woman who said that
she had been diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression and some other disorders, and she tried
yoga, mindfulness, self-compassion, grounding skills, and DBT skills. She saw doctors, she tried
multiple medications, but still she had so much anxiety that it made it hard for her to function
in life. But she said in her email something did work: leaving her abusive husband. You see,
the problem wasn't the anxiety in her head; the problem was the situation. She was married
to an abusive man. He was physically abusive, emotionally abusive, and financially abusive for
17 years. In that situation you could do all the therapy in the world, but the anxiety probably
wouldn't go away because anxiety wasn't the problem. Anxiety was the messenger. And in this
situation it was delivering a truthful message: you aren't safe. And no matter how much coping
she did or how much yoga and positive thinking, it wasn't going to change the situation for her.
She said that when she finally left that abusive relationship, all of her symptoms greatly
decreased. She continues to get support from her family, friends, and professionals, but she
doesn't experience severe anxiety and depression anymore. Sometimes the best treatment for anxiety
isn't psychological. It's not mindfulness or grounding skills. It's actually taking action
to solve a problem. In this video we're going to explore how to manage anxiety by solving
problems instead of just coping with them. And in this whole section of this course we're
going to talk about how to listen to anxiety as a messenger, how to take action that gets to
the root of the issue instead of just trying to change how we feel, with the surprising
outcome being that it often changes how we feel. [Music] Okay. Remember the function of anxiety? It's our
body's alerting system. It's like a smoke alarm. It sometimes goes off when there's no danger. But
when there's a real danger, when there's actually a fire, it doesn't do any good to keep silencing
the alarm. You need to put the fire out or leave the house and make plans for fire prevention in
the future. Anxiety can be a messenger. So one of the biggest problems is that people put all their
energy into making their anxiety go away or making their stress go away, but the emotion was never
the problem. Avoiding the emotion or avoiding the problem is usually the problem. So the question
you need to ask is, "Is there a real problem? What is anxiety trying to tell me? Am I actually in danger,
or am I feeling in danger when I'm actually safe?" If it's the latter, the previous two sections of
the course - changing how we think and turning on the parasympathetic response - are a good way to
deal with it. But when there's an actual problem to be solved, facing the problem is the absolute
best solution. So one of the biggest problems with popular stress management advice is that it's
all focused on reducing the stress response. It's all focused on relaxation instead of actually
addressing the stressor. So if I'm worried about finances, maybe that's because I need to create
a budget and a long-term financial plan and not just practice some breathing techniques. If you're
stressed about your email inbox, don't just do a meditation. Like set some boundaries. You can delegate,
unsubscribe, determine which emails are essential to your role and which ones aren't, take your work
email off your phone, or stop checking it at night. Okay. How about this: does that one person drive you
crazy? Instead of just doing a relaxation technique, perhaps you need to learn a new skill, like how to
be assertive or how to set boundaries. Maybe you need to learn to communicate better or deal with
conflict appropriately. The anxiety around that relationship might be a sign that something needs
to change and that you need to level up. Now, these may - I get it. These may sound like trite solutions.
I understand that the lasting solutions to these problems might be quite complicated. But the idea
is you can't just manage anxiety by managing your anxiety response. We have to look at the stressors,
not by avoiding them but by facing and resolving them. And I want to emphasize this: resolving
problems is not the same as avoiding them. Um you can't just cut people off and use that as your
only tool. You'll end up very lonely. You can't just avoid everything that makes you anxious because
one, that shrinks your life down, and two, it feeds the anxiety cycle. Avoidance increases anxiety. So
if anxiety is a messenger and sometimes anxiety is trying to tell you that something's wrong, what
do we do about that? We need to face problems and resolve them. So talk about how to solve problems
like a therapist. Step number one: write them down. Nick Wignall says, "Never worry in your head." Right? You
might be amazed at how much good that simple step actually does. Be specific and concrete. So don't
say, "Oh, work is too stressful." Say, "I get stressed out because we have so many projects at once and
I don't know which one I should focus on, so I feel like I'm never doing good enough because there's
always more to do." So by being more specific, writing down each project, exploring that feeling of
never good enough, you'll give yourself something tangible to work on. We can actually - when we break
down a problem we make it clear. We can actually take action on each of those little problems. Okay.
Step two: visualize what a positive outcome would look like. So be solution-oriented. What would it
look like when that problem is solved? For example, I would be clear on my responsibilities at work,
and I would excuse myself from email conversations that don't apply to me. Or I would have clear, set
hours each week when I do and don't answer emails. Or I would know how much money I could spend.
I would have a backup fund. I would feel out of debt. I wouldn't feel worried about money all
the time because I would feel confident that I knew what I was doing. Um or for example I would
communicate more directly with my mother-in-law. I would tell her what I do and don't like inside
of my own home, or I would ask her to call before showing up. So these are examples of outcomes,
what we would see differently. Okay. Um and and you'll notice that I focus on what you can change,
not on what you can't change. So when we visualize a positive outcome, it's not that helpful to just
visualize like, "Oh, I would never have to work again because I win the lottery" or "My mother-in-law
would magically be able to read my mind and do everything my way," right? We focus on what we can
change and like the tiny steps to do them. We, you know, we we focus on the steps that we can take.
Okay. Number three: overcoming mental blocks. So I bet when I brought up these solutions you had
an automatic resistance to one of these answers. You thought, "That's not realistic" or "That'll never
work." So this is the third thing therapists do when they solve problems: we know how to identify and
work around mental blocks. Now, most of us have a default way of dealing with obstacles. We all have
a hammer. But when all you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail. And suddenly you're
surprised when a hammer won't drive a bolt. So let's identify your mental blocks. What is your
default response to problems? Let me just talk about some of the biggest challenges I see in
therapy. The first one is, you know, people don't have the skills to solve a problem, and they don't
even know what the skill is called. So they don't know, for example, how to have crucial conversations,
or they don't know how to be assertive, or they don't know how to set boundaries. Um the next big
problem, the big mental block I see is people are too scared to do what they want to do um or what
they know they should do. Uh they're letting their emotions make their decisions instead of their
values. Um you know, it's normal to be scared of change, and our nervous system prefers a familiar
hell to an unfamiliar heaven. Third thing I see a lot of times in therapy is people just don't know
what they really want. They haven't clarified their values. And then the fourth one is the thing
that I think in therapy we do all the time as a therapist. People need support organizing a big,
complex, emotional problem. They need someone to help them get clarity, essentially a sounding board
with a whiteboard. Like I can't even imagine doing therapy without having something to write on, like
a whiteboard or a clipboard a piece of paper, where we take these problems and we write them down
and we put them - we organize them. Because um I think one of the most effective skills to solving
problems is just learning how to break a problem down into small steps. So we might - like a lot of
us might know how to do this in our jobs or at work, but I think very few people know how to do
this with emotional or mental problems. So those are like the the main things I see in therapy.
Um here's a few other common mental blocks: um we can't see the real problem or we're lacking
perspective. So in that situation we need someone to - like another perspective, like an outside
person. A lot of times people avoid, ignore, or procrastinate when they're dealing with difficult
issues in their life. Do you wait until things are in crisis before you address them? Sometimes we see
toxic positivity. Do you just like think positive to suppress or control your feelings and just
hope it all blows over? Or maybe you revert to helplessness. Maybe you think, "But my boss will
never change" or "I'm just a bad problem-solver. I'll never figure this out" or "This problem is
impossible to solve." Right? Your thoughts are justifying you in your helplessness. They aren't
true. They're comforting thoughts that you choose to believe because they excuse you from effort.
Okay. Do you blame everyone else for your problems? Like, "Oh, well, my boss is just a narcissist. He'll
never change" or "The economy forces me to be poor." Okay. So what do we do with all of these mental
blocks? The first thing I would say is like we've got to ask for help. We've got to get an outside
perspective. A lot of the time we don't even realize that our habitual blocks are even what's
stopping us from solving a problem because we can rarely see our own blind spots. So this is a great
time to get some support and another perspective, like an honest friend, a helpful family member, or a
therapist, right? These can help you get perspective on the problem and break through your mental
blocks. Um the other thing I often do in therapy, if an individual comes to therapy complaining about
their spouse or child or parent, I try to see if they'll both come to therapy. Much of the time the
people we're struggling with are the exact same people we're unwilling to have a real conversation
with. Okay. Number five: use a growth mindset. So when it comes to problem solving, the best thing you
can do is to see problems as an opportunity to grow and learn new skills, to level up. So if your
problem is, for example, not getting along with your co-workers, the opportunity might be that it's
a chance to improve your communication skills and possibly resolve some arguments with your
co-workers. Okay. So here's how we do this: we ask, "What's the situation?" um and, for example, "My boss
gives me too much work." And then, "What would I like the situation to be?" "I would like my boss to give
me less work." "What's the obstacle that's keeping me from my desired situation?" Um "I'm unsure of how to
talk to my boss about my workload." Now, if you take every single problem and ask, "What's a skill that
I could learn from this situation?" you'll almost always find something that will help you improve
as a human being and make your life better. Um for example I need to learn how to have better self-
control with my budget. I need to learn the skill of assertiveness. I need to learn how to say no to
people or how to clarify which tasks take priority. When you look at a problem as an opportunity to
learn, you're going to feel a sense of hopefulness. Okay. Number six: get creative. Be honest: we get
pretty lazy in solving problems. We like to try the same thing that worked in the past. But if the
only tool you have is a hammer, every problem seems like a nail. You may think that a hammer is your
only option, but there's actually thousands of tools, some of which you've probably never heard of.
So this is where it can be helpful to brainstorm solutions. So make a list of at least 10 options
to solve a problem, even ridiculous ways that you could possibly solve a problem. Write down any
possibilities. Don't judge any of them; just get a bunch of variety. So let's try this with the
overbearing mother-in-law. Um I'm just going to make a huge list of ideas. Um cut her off entirely.
Have a dance party with her. Print out a list of rules for your home and read them with her. Have
a conversation with your husband and ask him to talk to her. Never talk to her again. Okay. I did not
say that these were all good options, right? Uh move out of the country. Take class on assertiveness.
Read a book or 10 articles on mother-in-laws. Ask your friends how they would handle a situation.
Have a really difficult conversation. Um make a list of talking points, and sit down with her and
your husband and just really do it. Um you could also just send her a passive-aggressive text. Like
I said, not all of these are good options. Um send her a carefully thought-out email. Read a book
on setting boundaries, and set a boundary with your mother-in-law. Like um "You may not see the
kids if you undermine my rules at my house." Um find a way to be funny and crack jokes with her.
Do something she really likes. Bond with her. Uh schedule in her specific time. Let her know that
she's wanted, but you decide when it happens. Um give her more responsibilities. Include her in
plans and ask her to contribute. Make her feel wanted and loved. Um ask her to go to therapy
with you or mediation or the climbing gym. Positive reinforcement. Tell her what you like
when she does it. Okay. I mean, I get it, right? Like some of these are really bad ideas. But one of
them might be helpful. And if nothing else, you won't be stuck doing the same thing all the
time and feeling crappy about the situation. You'd be learning something with each experiment.
Okay. Number seven: take action. Just pick one to act on. Stop overthinking, like actually. So most
people are afraid that they might have picked the wrong solution or that perhaps there's a
better solution if they just think about the problem more. And this is usually not helpful
thinking. It's usually better to act than to do nothing at all. Now, sometimes the attempts to fix
a problem don't work, but you just learn something. This is forward progress. this is iteration. Don't
be a perfectionist. If you really want to overcome decision paralysis, you could try this, right? Just
rank the possible solutions in order from best to worst. Rank each one on how likely is this approach
to work? And then pick the most reasonable plan. Put the plan into action. If it doesn't work go to the
next best solution, and try that one. And then just continue to try until you solve the problem. Okay.
So there's my approach to working through problems. This is how I solve problems as a therapist. I
help people get really clear on the problem. We visualize what they do want. We work through mental
blocks. We get support. We see every problem as an opportunity to learn. We get creative. And we
just try stuff. We just try one thing at a time, and we learn from each experiment. So often with
anxiety, anxiety isn't the problem. When we shift our attention away from our hyperfocus on our
feelings and instead we focus on working toward the life we dream of, we can solve problems and
actually resolve the root of anxiety. Okay. I hope this is helpful. In the next video we'll talk
about how to face our fears using exposure therapy. [Music]
