Sarah Millican: Thoroughly Modern Millican (2012) FULL SHOW | Jokes On Us

foreign good evening ladies and Gentlemen please welcome to the stage Sarah Millican thank you very much thank you very much and welcome to the show are you well excellent oh thank you your dad's in no lovely uh the way I was introduced it's a lovely thing to get used to in a job when somebody says your name and people clap and cheer it's really nice the other day because no one [ __ ] clapped every time I say clap I think they thought that's what I had when I was having a bit of a faff on Twitter backstage give us a cheer if you're on Twitter spawnlessness can be fun it's also a little bit weird sometimes got a message from a fella a few weeks ago he said I've got a bit of spare time on my hands and I don't know whether to watch some porn are you the strawberries being quite old I don't really know anything about porn but I can gather it's sort of fantasy isn't it sort of unachievable things isn't it whereas I put myself firmly in the bracket of achievable just wander around Asda there's hundreds of me how far you might well be [ __ ] married [Music] but I live in a flat 11 I block a flat and I came out the front door a few months ago and there was just a shoe on the pavement you've all seen that happen just a lawn shoe and you just thinking I wonder what happened there and then you carry on with your day which is exactly what I did but a week goes by and the shoe is still there it's now joined by a man's shirt a couple of days after that same shoe same shirt pair of man's pants went just really slowly dumping her boyfriend 's gonna be a big pile of Claws and just a severed [ __ ] on the top I mean I haven't dumped anybody in a while is that still how we do it girls is it good to know thank you but I decided about six months ago now to try to sort of better myself and I'm not really bothered about losing weight but I quite like the idea of getting fit so I thought I'd get myself an exercise DVD now you know when your partner goes shopping and they say do you want anything and they want you to say no but instead you give them a list I love doing that sometimes just make [ __ ] up I don't even need just to say they look on his face looks at the list he goes what's the difference between a tangerine and a Satsuma it's a test so I said could you get us an exercise DVD please just a basic one like a bog standard like a beginner's guide and he said no problem and he came home with davina's buff your abs and I thought well I'm gonna have to lose three stone before I can find me [ __ ] abs foreign I swapped it for the one that I wanted which was you know just fat loss has a go the sequel that last tries again and that knows what they're doing I watched the first few minutes they were both laughing at nothing it was very unknown and the trainer said to the celebrity why don't you tell the viewers at home what weight you were when you started this regime and the celebrity went but I started this regime hahaha when I started this regime I was torn I realized then that I'm aiming for her start weight but my friend said to me just get some exercise equipment if you buy it you've got it at home you'll use it all the time and I thought bless her cotton sock she's got no idea that's not how it works at all is it I've got a cross Tree in it that I've had for three years I've used it twice and I've got the feet level so I can put books on them thank you but my friend said get a treadmill their treadmills are really good gives a cheer if you've never owned a treadmill [Applause] and still have the benefits of a treadmill without having to actually buy a treadmill all you need is some socks and a slippery floor what we'll do is we'll be sitting side by side on the sofa mainly fella he'll get up to get something probably a packet of biscuits and when he gets up I just hold on to the back of his pants and he does this for a bit I'll get back into place here you get some exercise I'll get a look at his ass it's like in a proper gym but I like to eat I don't think it's a fault to enjoy your food because if you enjoy your food I don't think I might have a tapeworm but that it's just full I went into a milkshake shop and they had on the wall like a menu of all the Milkshakes that were on offer and and I picked what I thought was clearly the best one but it had a stupid name but I thought it's the best one I'm gonna have to ask for it and the young lad behind the counter clearly knew what was coming because he's already pissing himself and I built up only courage and I went can I have a large can I have a large shake what your mama gave you and my boyfriend Craig is a flash just went what ask Ed us but I had a pie the other day the other day I had a pie every day and as I was eating it I realized I was enjoying the pastry more than the meat that's quite weird isn't it it's like somebody giving you a birthday card and you're keeping the envelope sex a lot easier though because if I'm horny and on my own I just suck a condom too much for some of you isn't it Badcock West Champion was it but I am trying to eat more healthily I am trying I went to a supermarket recently with my friend and we wanted to get some crisps and we wanted to get the proper size bags you know like not like the little ones that you get for when bands around um you know what I mean like the proper adult bags you know the ones that you've got to empty into a ball you'd normally mix things in foreign spotted that there was an offer on and she wanted to read those and I wanted Sensations because I'm a bit posher than she is and but the two for one offer didn't go across Brands and we were quite sad by that and she said you know what we should do we should just two bugs of each but I uh I am trying to eat my healthy I had an apple a couple of months ago it can be handbag on an optimistic Monday and by the Thursday there weren't any kitkats left and I was hungry I'd have to find this bloody Apple come to me back and owned it it was prematurely bruised and buttered because it had been in me bag for so long and it had pen on it so I peeled off the clean panty liner and I ate it and it was all right who knew apples were all right it reminded me of something I hadn't had for years that I really liked and I was like what does it remind me of remember it was toffee apples foreign [Applause] I am you might not know this if you live on your own you can still have breakfast in bed what I do with a fancy breakfast in bed just before I go to bed I put a Twix on the bedside cabinet and then when I wake up the next day as my eyes are focused and I think there's a [ __ ] twitch just there but sometimes there's just a rapper away in the night Savannah are the tooth fairies moved over to the dark side have we got single people in tonight give us a woo if you're single we've got couples in more of you but not as enthusiastic the front how long have you two been together 30 years well some places that would have got a round of applause nobody just went [ __ ] hell foreign I've never heard three and a half thousand people do that noise see if we can do it after three one two three thirty years well done and we've got quite you're quite a new couple how long have you two been together four months well done four months 30 years [ __ ] you I've been with my fella for six years and it's gone really well a friend of mine though recently fell in love even more recently than you two she did they've been together about a month and they're adorable she'd been single for a couple of years that means that little bit more to her you know and they're so they're so lovely they're so adorable like to watch you know no no I mean when I'm with them I don't mean like this she shouldn't have bedroom curtains what a slug foreign but she said to me that whenever she sees him she gets sweaty Palms isn't that lovely it's adorable isn't it four months together what other signs of Love do you think there are apart from sweaty Palms gives a suggestion what do you think I miss her a lot when I'm not with her you miss her when you're not with her I could piss out a lot too but it won't you really miss her oh that's so adorable and it's in 30 years together but your palms are born dry other flower if we could clearly learn a lot from 30 years together it's very very impressive what do you reckon what are the signs of love a kiss before you go to bed a kiss before you go to bed if she hasn't changed the whole if you get home and she hasn't changed the lock I love the I love the Power Balance between you too do you just want a kiss of him he's worried he's never gonna see you again things or CDs or anything just bye that's Bless you that's weird but nice um let's open it up to the rest of you guys so what about upstairs what are the signs of Love do we think we've got sweaty Palms we've got missing each other we've got a kiss before bed where abouts was the kiss lips all right okay okay don't don't [Music] see a Topper bottom [Music] oh that's fine uh and not being locked out or well forever permanently what are the signs of Love upstairs do we think oh my God leaving the toilet door open I thought [Applause] for everything or just number ones [Music] come on so I mean I said to him I said just give us a minute love I'm just gonna oh is that love love it feels that's gross is what that is okay thank you flower any other ones from upstairs signs of love where are you give us a wave are you upstairs oh right at the back there love wow you were louder than me and I've got a microphone are you in a relationship with the minute flower [Music] does that mean you're happy at the minute yeah sounds thrilled doesn't it what are the ones from upstairs butterflies is a lovely one that's really nice thank you Floyd there was there was a fellow there the deer trying to say but I think he was trying to say butterflies what he actually said was sometimes I get a frizzy feeling down below what about downstairs what other signs of Love do we think say that again keeping out of trouble did you get into a lot of trouble pre-relationship but [ __ ] what was that it was a [ __ ] relationship are they with you tonight is this the way you break up with somebody just wait till an appropriate question comes up at a comedy show be a minute to tell you for ages it's a [ __ ] relationship and we had another answer over here didn't quite catch it did you did somebody steer I've got a present for your love it's a Hospital appointment [Laughter] any other ones from downstairs what was that presence [Applause] give us away there you are hello love are you in a relationship at the minute yeah what was the last present you got uh we're gonna have fun tonight apart from chlamydia no um what was the last present you got jewelry and what did you have to do for that some things you're ashamed of it's worth it if you get a good bangle though isn't it what was that love flowers nice very nice and to get flowers regularly clearly like them so do something about it pet I uh I did a home gig I'm from a little place called South Shields and uh I think they're all here I did a home gig at the beginning of the tour quite a small venue it's quite a small place and and I had a horrible feeling I was going to know most of the audience and sure enough when I came out in the front row and the left-hand side was somebody I'd played out with when I was a Bane and on the right someone had [ __ ] and I said what are the signs of Love are they in a lady at the back to shout out throw up on Fanny turns out she was family [Applause] flies I think that's slightly nervous sort of churn he told me I think that comes back doesn't it at the end of a relationship you know when things are Peter and out every time a hair is key in the door I feel [ __ ] sick but like I said I've been with my fella for six years it's gone really well um he bought himself a suit recently I don't think I've ever seen him in a suit they're quite vented him in his suit and I told him I said quite fun see you in your suit and he said and I quote it's very smooth he said if you like I leave it on and sort it out all good and proper all Posh and Matt to say Miss money Penny on the end foreign but the only time we ever argue is when it comes to Christmas birthday is present given times that sort of thing because he really likes to buy me surprises and I really hate surprises we've got a bit of a happy medium now though the last couple of years where I give them a list of pre-approved surprises things he can pick whichever one he likes I don't know which one it's going to be so it's still technically a surprise they came home a few days before my birthday last year and he said never guess what I've just done I said what have you just done he said I've gone off list he said I'm not even sure if you're gonna like it I said why the [ __ ] did you buy it then I mean thank you but a friend of mine who doesn't really know us very well she said oh that sounds like an engagement ring to me I said no it sounds like a plunk but we have quite busy lives as I'm sure a lot of you guys do too and when we go on holiday we like to go somewhere relaxing somewhere where we can look at nice scenery and and read books that's all we really want to do my boyfriend doesn't like to fly so we tend to stay within the UK and because we don't have to pay for expensive flights we don't treat ourselves to a slightly posher Hotel the last partial hotel we stayed in had two baths either side of each other and I thought oh we're going to have really romantic baths together without having to stare at hairy toes that van puts up with an awful lot with me we fit his feet on any better they're not horrific they're just you know feet nails are a bit long toes are a bit hairy there's crusty bits on the bottoms you know this sort of thing so do you look like you could pick up mice with those they've got a quality to them but you know we don't live together we have a few days a week together and a few days a week apart and when we're apart and I get to sleep in my own bed on my own I [ __ ] love it sleep they all do niggly things don't they like breathing they're trying to get to sleep to sleep it's irritating did you all the people who think that they're a snorer well the people who know they're sitting beside a snorer there's a bit of denial in the room tonight my boyfriend's nose and I found out recently that my dad also snows because I was whinging to me Mom about my boyfriend snoring and she said have you tried these and then slid something across the kitchen bench like it was drugs dry these and what they were were there was nails or strips I know if you've seen them they're little strips they go across the bridge of the snores no so that they open the nostrils out so that they can breathe more clearly and in theory they don't know anymore now they work for us for a while until it came to Christmas there's something you need to know about me is that I really love brussels sprouts I'll brussels sprouts and I eat a lot and I don't mind earlier I'm pretty [ __ ] toxic this night my boyfriend went do you mind if I don't put the strip on tonight I don't mean that's just to be any bigger than they have to be oh the thing he does he puts his arm across us and I feel I quite like that because I feel quite sort of safe and protected I suppose but then sometimes he puts his leg across and I think oh now we are taking the [ __ ] piss the last time I did it he put his foot remember I described it not that long ago on my leg and he rubbed it up and down and I went what are you doing he went I'm being tender I said no love you're exfoliating [Applause] [Music] [Laughter] but pretty much everything I do work wise a stand-up comedy related can't really do anything else I've tried acting and I'm [ __ ] at it so I'm just going to leave that to the professionals and but a few years ago my agent said why didn't you go and do a voiceover Show reel so I didn't really know what that was but I went like the studio fella there lovely fella he said we'll get you to do some different voices we'll put them on a CD then he can tell it about see if he can get some voiced overwork brilliant first question he asked he said can you do sexy I said no anyway gonna have a try so I had a try and you went hmm you sound like you're dying and then he said can you do board so I tried bored and he went actually that's quite sexy I'm only sexy when I'm bored but I hope to get [ __ ] good and hard in the post office queue foreign with me fella and I said why don't you shout out emotions and ask if I can convey them with me face and he went okay so you went happy and I went and then he went sad and I went and he went surprised and I went there was a long pause as a transpired he had run out of emotions until a lovely light bulb moment when his eyes are really wide and he went like you've just seen a monkey that well-known fourth emotion but we normally see each other a few days a week but sometimes if work shares Clash it might be seven or eight days before we see each other again we miss each other of course we do so what we do then is we'll speak on the phone a lot obviously we'll text each other a lot and some names will send emails to each other with photographs attached not that kind of photograph but what you're missing no you might think this is quite sad but I think it's quite sweet and I'm slightly wearing my heart on my sleeve even tell me this the most recent one I sent him was a picture of a sad kitten and above it I'd written this is how I feel and this was the Friday and when we see each other again on the Monday and he sent back a picture of a happy dog Monday and then I look properly at the photographer and the dog had its leg in a cast message to an actor an actual physical threat with six years together I'm aware it's not a long relationship we've got a long way to go but we are finding sort of new exciting ways to turn each other on are popping up all the time and they got probably the most unusual of situations and we were having a carvery and with this pudding he got a jug of custard and he poured the custard onto his pudding then he licked the spout of the custard jug and I was genuinely aroused over to him and I went get in the car thank you bring the custard but I've always been quite sort of cautious by nature to the point of being risk averse even and I get this from my family my mom dad and sister all exactly the same like when we were little we'd go to the fairground we'd go on the Dodgers and my dad would always insist on driving because he was the only one with a license he would weave expertly in and out of the other cars and then we'd go home it was properly [ __ ] I'm not good at a theme park I had quite a bad experience at a theme park when I was a teenager I went to light Water Valley gives a cheer if you've been at Lake Water Valley haven't but you've been to Alton Towers just picture that but a bit [ __ ] I was about 16 or 17 I went with a friend of mine we were standing in the queue for the rat which is an indoor roller coaster we're standing in the queue when I was reading the rules because I'm all about fun and it had the usual restrictions about the height restriction it had the pregnant restriction but then it also said if you'd ever had heart problems you shouldn't go on the ride and I knew for a fact that the friend that I was with that had heart problems in the past and I say Joanne will kind of go on look at that ruler we kind of go on and she went ah [ __ ] it let's do it anyway what is that she made she didn't need to say anything after that because that's the no you know if you go out on a night out and you drink more than you were expecting to you get up the next day you feel terrible you're bringing up bile but you're pretty sure this big and some were just gonna put a stop to it when somebody rings and says to fancy got the poop you always go so we go on the ride I'm not happy about it but she wants to go and to go on the right and it's so dark on there that you kind of take your hand in front of your face and I'm screaming all the way around like a normal person she was completely silent his thought was she's dead my second thought was Oh I thought it was going to be [ __ ] so I think we can all be divided up into people like my friend and people like me people like my friend I call them the bumper cars they're quite exciting to be around they don't worry about what might happen they live very much in the moment so what if I get a couple of bruises at least it will had a brilliant time give us a chill the bumper cars in the room thank you quite a few of you and then there's people like me I call us the Dodgers we check doors multiple times it's not even our house is Jay if you're a dungeon nice lady there who's clapping you're a Dodger my year flower do you check doors do you unplug things see what do you unplug everything or just certain things mainly hair straighteners oh good plan I always unplug my toaster just in case while I'm out it accidentally toasts the air I know a lot of you think I'm an idiot but there's at least two people in this room tonight going can that happen can that happen have I got time to go back now and have we got anybody interested in anything really risky anybody's doing a bungee jump yeah yeah it's done hello flower how many bungee jumps have you done one you were drunk jump how was that even allowed a Gran Canaria oh you do that like oh it's grunking area it was a fella the other day had only done the one and I said what's the reason you've only done one thing and it might be because you know it's expensive maybe that was it anywhere no no it's because I shot myself and then the next night I had a lady Johnny didn't want and I thought about I know the answer to this question she said no I didn't [ __ ] myself I said I did do a funny fart all the way down but I also had an incredibly cautious lady in the audience recently sitting right in the middle in the front row and she said I'm a I'm a Dodge him and I said example and she said do you check under your bed said no because I'm not [ __ ] seven she said she's in an episode of CSI oh yeah it's all based on fact she's seen an episode of CSI where the murder hidden from his victim by hiding underneath the bed and not in a normal we were actually clinging to the underside of the bed and I said so you were worried about finding a man on dear bed and she went yeah I said what would you have done if you had found the vanity of it I said I've got no idea I'm a lesbian there'll be people in this room who don't know which one they are and the easiest way to tell this is almost foolproof little test for you is uh you're definitely a Dodger if when you go away for more than one night could be a holiday with your family it could be a Works do could be a stag weekend a girl weekend anything like that you take more than the required amount of underwear he was a chair if he takes bare pants or Jim's the Lottie so what reasons do you take spare pants shout out just in case bit of a slag are you a pet in case in case you shoot yourself doing a bungee jump well done flower he was listening he was listening good work any others [Music] oh oh my God I feel like I'm on a bus to women talking at me either side um there's a lady over here to say again in case you're wet yourself are you that sort of age are you love my sister's friend they were going to do a keep their classroom she said well I'll come but I kind of do star jumps anymore I'm going the low what other reasons do we carry spare plants can you see again kiss the elastic breaks hello are they going up and down a lot are they carries a takeaway say again I'm telling everybody else I think I'm telling them right um you bought take away soup and the container dissolved pants [Applause] convinced that that was soup loaf that might well did somebody give you some lovely warm tomato flavored [ __ ] acid until it dissolved so you ate them out with your pants okay it was a fellow the other day quite stocky Fellaini 60s sort of he said I carry spare pants and I said oh what reason do you carry spare pants and he said in case I get raped be your first thought these pants are ruined so my ladies carry spare pants and uh sort of unspoken isn't it um there's a few women are looking at me like [ __ ] keep it that way [ __ ] boom I don't know if I've started a period I just got really sweaty ass [Applause] there's a lady the other day said that she carried me a Bandicoot she got lost they said what have they got a compass on them which would obviously be called [ __ ] nav [Music] can I clearly get this cautious nature from my parents when I was little and I wanted to play out my mom would say play out by all means in the back Lane but leave the backyard door open and every 20 minutes I want you to come past that backyard door and just give us a little wave so that I know you're all right and she'd stand at that kitchen window for what seemed like hours just to make sure that I was safe and I know it's just that if I ever got abducted I'd never be further than gateshead it's quite satisfying to see that my parents haven't changed in the intervene in 30 years they came to stay with me a few months ago for the weekend and on the Sunday night they're putting up the car to go home and my mum has what she calls her pretty woman bags which you know like the cardboard shopping bags as opposed to plastic ones I'm glad that I know that's what she calls them because a month before that I've been on the phone when she said e I've had a prop a pretty woman day and I thought I hope you've been shopping and not just sucking off business man she's retained I just got a lot of time on her hands Pretty Woman for me is one of those films I think we've all got one of those films where even if you've got the DVD which means technically you could watch it anytime you liked if it's on the Telly you're watching it and that's one of mine and it was on not too long ago on ITV two plus one times four and you know that scene evenly haven't seen the film you know the classic scene where she goes back into the shop and she says you work on commission big mistake huge and I thought that film would have been totally different if she'd been a size 18 wouldn't it it's 18 and pretty much guarantee I couldn't get in any designer clothes I'd worry about getting stuck in the [ __ ] cubicles let alone the clothes gone you worked on commission well I've ordered some things online and I don't know if they're gonna fit so I bought a handbag to cheer myself and I filmed it with [ __ ] maltesers so my mama's putting her pretty woman bags in the backseat of the car my dad said put them in the boot and she said well I put them in the back seat he said put them in the book well why can't I just leave them in the back seat he said if leave them in the back seat and I've got a Slammy brakes on they'll take their top of your head off and you'll not be able to wear your bunny dresses that you have just bought because you'll be dead thank you they looked at me mum and she went if that happens the receipts are in the bag just take them back but I've got a friend who's a massive bumper car it's amazing we get on our lifestyles are so totally totally different we were having a general chat about how you meet potential partners and I said because I like to get to know people a little bit first I said I don't think I've ever kissed a man about whom I didn't know his GCSE results you may mock but it's a very good way of filtering out all of the over 40s with the [ __ ] all levels my friend said is that true and I said yeah and he said oh my God he said I've had sex with people I haven't even seen but my friend has one I think is a dangerous lifestyle he thinks it's exciting but I think it's dangerous for me exciting is when you start a new tea towel clean it's got no Bean Juice on it [ __ ] love it well my friend's lifestyle is dangerous he um he takes drugs on a regular basis I drink three pints of Shandy a year I can't even drink properly let Lauren take drugs gives it to you if you've never taken drugs in your life all right there's loads of us see my friend was telling me about this proper night that he take this property was listing all of these drugs and I don't know anything about drugs but I was pretending to to look cool and as he was listening I was going aha aha oh that one's smashing listen I don't know anything about drugs it's because zamo said say no it's very age specific joke that one it's a lot of people under 30 going who the [ __ ] is ammo let me might learn something so my friend story is getting increasingly more boastful and a horrible feeling that I was gonna have to match it at the end with a similar story and he ended his story by saying oh my God my friends were texting me the next day saying you've got no idea what [ __ ] you got up to last night it was brilliant and then he went like this I think it was my turn I was thinking what an earth am I going to say so I had to think and I went sometimes [ __ ] sometimes I eat strepsils when I've run out of sweets I'm not proud but then my friend starts everybody's sexual exploits and he said he'd had sex on a kitchen sink he said have you ever had sex on a kitchen sink and I wanted to tell him that I thought it sounded incredibly unhygienic but I didn't I just went no and I got home and I thought am I a prude I don't think I am approved but maybe I am so said to your boyfriend would you like to have sex on a kitchen sink I get the impression it's supposed to be a bit more in the moment you know rather than like when you've done those dishes get your ass on there because we're very well matched my boyfriend said why would I want to have sex on a kitchen sink they'll be like eating your dinner out of a shoe then my friend said he's had sex on a plane he said have you ever had sex on a plane I said I've not had sex on a sink and nutted me flat what do you reckon and he said I've had sex on a plane he said that's dangerous that's exciting I said well I suppose it is but I think having a massive [ __ ] with a queue outside on a plane is more dangerous they doing that [Music] and from the class and I can tell I'm not the only one we're all members of the pile high club I've always been quite a late developer like you know when you first find out about the birds and the bees where babies come from give us a cheer if you found out via family via friends still quite a lot of your own accounted for did you just not know did anybody find out via a book what book was it was it the joy of stuff did you flick through it with your mom did you and I said what book was it and he said well I say book it was more of a magazine some of you might recognize this this is the body book by Claire Rayner recognize it yeah excellent and I've kept it all these years just to refer back to really now why my boyfriend's trying to make us do something I don't really want to do I just flick through and go that Hall is not mentioned in here at all foreign ER doesn't approve their neither do I this book refers to the um you know you know as the baby making whole isn't it awful with it being called the baby making whole largely because I don't have kids I don't want kids I don't really like kids I'm sure you've got them and I'm sure they're smashing but I'm glad you've left them at home where they're [ __ ] belong somebody I know has recently happened to child proof the house and I totally picked up the wrong end of the stick but it was made to the little buggers can't get enough to do get in the conjure harm so I did a bit of research and it turns out advice on how to child proof your house is advice and how to do the opposite as well example three foot of electrical cable is enough to endanger a toddler's life that's good to know it also recommended that you teach your children how to respond to fire which sounded like a fun game so I reckon a combination of the following things is enough to keep the little shits out to my house uh fox in front of every socket ah what they call it big is filled with bleach bleed and Bunny sparkly things at the bottom of your pond splash to a child proof it means to me a friend of mine had a baby girl recently and I wanted to buy a present because it's a nice thing to do isn't it I don't know what you're supposed to buy babies but a different friend who has adult children she said oh there's only one rule you buy us something to grow into that's the rule so I bought her a bra [Applause] given this book I was told about sex by my family and when I say a family I mean you know like your mom I don't mean like a special uncle but when I was little I was quite creative but incredibly shy and I used to write poems and stories and the only way I could perform them aloud was to do so from behind a curtain just accept it it's me childhood so let's stand behind a curtain and read me poem aloud hoping that my family were still in the room and if I was a good girl I got a banana so when I came to finding out about sex my mom said do you want to go behind the curtain that'll just be really weird but you know the next stage of sex advice the next stage when you find out that it's not just for making babies you know that it's also for making money your own way that sort of thing my mom gave me one line of advice and one line only she said remember you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to broccoli which felt like double standards but this book's not just about sex and I'm stuffing about our bodies change in particular how our bodies change as we get older and I wouldn't read a little bit to you if I may it says after many many years long after their children are grown up people who are old get tired all over their hearts get tired of beaten like a drum their muscles get tired of storing up work their brains get tired of thinking and feeling the time has come for the old person to die and the next line is so they do terrifies me it's just before that there's a section all about naps I love a nap I've got a horrible feeling that I'm a paragraph above death but I I turned 36 last year and for the first time ever and I've no idea why it's popped up now and hadn't popped up before now but for the first time ever I feel sexy I've never felt sexy before I think it's because I feel like I'm in control of things I feel quite confident figure wise I feel quite womanly I think I'm aware of my flaws and I've accepted them and anybody who doesn't can [ __ ] off so I had to come get my eyes tested um yeah to be quite attractive but I got these photos checked out I'll be wearing glasses for 30 years and the last time I had them checked she said um you need some new lenses and I thought I'll treat myself to some new frames I'll treat myself and I got these ones and I couldn't really see them at the back and upstairs they sort of a half frame and I got them primarily because they look a little bit headmistressy and I thought wouldn't it be good to have glasses that you could wear in the bedroom in the bedroom you kind of see what you're talking come here so I've been trying to think I've said headmistressy things that I could say that might help the mood you know and I've come up with two and I thought before I try them out on my boyfriend maybe I could try them out on you a lot if that's all right so this is the first one see what you think of this I do like the idea that I can forewarn my boyfriend that I'm about to be sexy just by moving me glasses brace yourself pet yeah so this is the first headmistressy thing see what you think of this if you finish that book I'll give you a toffee penny okay there are pockets of people that like that one not everybody does that's fine it's fine this is the other one too if you like this one go and get some sand Brian's been sick in the hall now I seem to work good no thanks for your input I'll try that out on him tonight but I am getting much better at dirty talk I used to be rubbish at it um I've just had a bit more practice that's all it is I still mostly stick to the classics and I mean I mean I mean the things people always see I don't mean like Charles Dickens it was the best of times it was the worst of times please sir can I have some more [ __ ] but I've been at Living lately and I've come up with a new one and I sort of want to share it with you because you're such a nice crowd now I don't mind you using it that's why I'm telling you could all do with an extra line in the bedroom couldn't we it's a favor like if you see me at an orgy just remember it's my [ __ ] line okay I learned to be fair unlikely to ever see me at an orgy because I've only got a flat and I think you've got to have a house haven't you 'd be very well equipped for having a lot of people around we've only got four mugs there's certain things I wouldn't want to have to explain away to be landlord I don't know what spunk that is in the carpet it's not mine somebody must have trodden it in so this is the line I feel quite nervous now because I have genuinely said this during sex I want to stand behind the curtain now I'm gonna say it but I need a sort of I kind of need to get myself in the moment you know just just bear with us a tick that's all it'll take thank you foreign [Applause] [Music] [Music] that makes him look a lot taller than he actually shaking his [ __ ] hand and the lion is this get it in get it in I've shaved everything don't waste it write it down um it's another good one if they're trying to do four plea on you but you're gonna miss your train to shout stop faffing It's very effective very effective I tried to start a new euphemism recently I don't know if you've ever tried to start a new euphemism it's quite tricky this one's not gone completely well tell it anyway um the euphemism is this I see there's some leftover pie in the fridge which is a euphemism for cunnilingus a few people are explaining Curry Lingus to each other I was trying to think of a mime that I could do but no one I could think of was this but I see there's some leftover pie in the fridge doesn't really work with my fella because he's generally a very hungry man as soon as he realizes that there's no actual pie in the fridge a light goes out in his eyes I did the show in in Stockton and there was a lady at the front saying I use that euphemism and I thought your booger had spreading like wild fire she said she's put her own sort of spin on it she says I see there's some leftover corned beef pie in the fridge no no I'm never going to refer to me Nonny as a food stuff it's not going to be corned beef something like Arctic rule call to the touch with a bit of old clear ground [Laughter] I've Got a Friend actually she's not a friend she's sort of a friend of a friend I'm sure we all have these people you know you wouldn't invite her to your house but you don't want her to die she's always got dirty nails and I've got a big problem with dirty nails unless she has a manual job which she doesn't she works in a [ __ ] office there's no reason to have dirty nails and every time I see her the only way I can smooth it out in my mind is by thinking oh so I've been buried alive again will you take a sexy underway shopping and I thought oh God I've seen her nails they do sexy stuff shut up I'm never sexier than when I'm comfy foreign it's ridiculous but I totally live in it I live in a flat oh yeah I rent my flat I'm hoping in the next 12 months to maybe get myself on the property ladder I've been looking on those online house hunting websites but to be honest I've been looking at those for years ever since somebody told me I can look around people's houses without having to be their friend I saw one recently that had a drawing room and everything I don't even know what you're supposed to do in a drawing room and then I wondered if it was the same as when I was a band and there was only one room in the house that we're allowed to do glitter room when we're little we used to make calendars we'd get an old calendar we'd cut it up we'd put one of the pictures in a bit of cardboard cover it and glitter and then put a sticky calendar on the bottom and uh and there was one year that it was an animal calendar that we were using it had funny animal pictures and sort of funny animal quips underneath them my mom came over to where we were gluing and she won't see that one there and I went uh-huh she went don't give that one to your nana when I went okay and I asked her business I can't remember what that picture was off she said yes I remember very well she said it was a raccoon clinging onto a branch and underneath it said I'm barely hanging on as it is foreign it's nice to have family traditions I don't think they have to be anything big or expensive I think they can just be Daft things that you always do me my fella every year we buy a new board game every year but I refuse to buy the proper ones because they're really expensive so we just go to Asda and get their equivalent which are remarkably similar we've got three if I tell you the names of them see if you can guess and Shout out which one you think it's imitating to the first one is called surgery operation that's right second one is called who is it third one which is my favorite is called who did it and in what room oh bless Monopoly bless you too late and wrong because I'm quite securely conscious that's always at the Forefront of my mind when I'm looking at flats and houses and I know what I really want I think it's just like a four Bentley system because they look quite secure and I know that's just an electric gate but I keep accidentally calling it an electric fence I really want is somewhere that's got an electric fence let's see Phil and Kirsty sort that out for us broad mower a Jurassic Park but something I probably should have pointed out before now that you might have noticed is that I really love swearing um oh you've noticed that's good because I can't wait when I'm on the radio or the Telly so I have to make up for it elsewhere like on stage and sometimes in Topshop well I can't get a tit in any of the clothes at your local branches like but mine has a floor that's just accessories as if they've gone you're too fat for our clothes have yourself a scarf the last time I was in uh I was this is the kind of jewelry that I like sort of elastic plastic kind of that sort of thing quite cheap and cheerful and I was trying something much very similar to this one and um I couldn't get it past me knuckles and the friend that I was with she went oh my God you're like an actual Giant do we like swearing because chiffy like swearing anybody doesn't really like swearing ah [ __ ] off actually like the word [ __ ] um wow that separates the man from The Voice doesn't it well I like swearing but not that one no it's fair enough I've got a friend who doesn't make the word she said we don't use that word in our house we don't like that word in our house we call that see you next Tuesday have you heard this though people call it this because technically that would be s y s y n t so not only is she scared of swearing she's also [ __ ] illiterate she said how would you like that word just shout it at you and I said sort of depends what's happening at the time he's bought a chicken with them I've got a friend who's a doctor she's a brilliant woman and we were having one of those lovely catch-up chats you know we haven't seen a friend in ages and you've got the Cutlass constantly on and you're putting the world to write it was one of those and it was lovely and we ended up talking I don't know how we got onto this subject but we ended up talking about how much toilet roll we use I think I'd been bragging my boyfriend's round at mine we're gonna rattle through a nine pack in a week and she said to me you're using too much what is it like a shortage and too much and then she went dry wet dry said what dry wet dry dry use a bit of toilet roll wet one of those moist toilet tissues I don't know what that might miss clearly doing somebody else's arms aren't they to say I'm very thorough though isn't it so that's wet and then pack the dry with a bit of toilet roll and I said you know what I'm 36 I've been doing this a long time how about I just stick to my usual way and she said and I hope this is how she talks to her patients she said your [ __ ] will fall off but you know there are those times when you run out of toilet roll and obviously the worst time to run out of toilet rollers and when you really [ __ ] need some toilet roll give us a chance if you've ever used something else because you had to oh yeah what kind of things have you shout out suck who's that looks like there was a wave where you live there you are happy as bloody Larry they aren't you okay so you used a sock um did you did you do it like that haven't fallen the saddest ever glove puppet I don't want to I don't want to I'm so well done pet what else have you shout out [Applause] what was that what was that a shower head oh my god did you have to like oh did you have did you have to buy your cheeks was that in your own shower was it in your own shower oh that's all right then good oh no it was just to be friends oh he's here so we've got a shotgun to show ahead what are they [Applause] pants somebody who said spare pants somebody here that's a good answer it's another good reason to carry spare pants what was the fella over here sandpaper you believe him no is it what was that love you were on the beach what and that's where I know that's where sand comes from but there are many DIY places on the beach oh you know that [ __ ] that's got all those B and q's any other things we've used your hand what was that your boss's performance review hi fella well done excellent excellent work it was a lady the other day and I used the term lady as Loosely as it's possible to use it said that she'd use a sandwich but I can't eat Nutella anymore sort of thinking about the other rooms visualizing the other rooms thinking what on Earth could I use never been Posh enough a kitchen roll but I've always had tissues in but I had run out of tissues at the same time it was like it's so slow what an earth can I use and then I remembered that I recently treated myself to some flash wipes yes it was very lemony it was also the cleanest I've ever felt and to be fair the advert do say that they're for stubborn rings so I did a show in Belfast and a fellowship and answer but I couldn't quite he sort of it was just a noise because he had such a strong accent I could just make out a noise I just heard where War that's all I heard and I said but you wiped your ass and Away wolf did you look turned out what he actually used was wire wool they take me chances for the [ __ ] werewolf but I told you that I'm cautious I'm a driver I think I'm a good driver I'm quite a sensible driver I never do anything Reckless behind the wheel um but you know sometimes we're put in positions where we have to behave differently to our personalities and I had one of those in about September last year I was working in Oxford I finished work at about 11 p.m and I got a phone call and it was one of those phone calls that none of us want but some of us get and it was a phone call to say that my mom had been rushed into hospital I needed to get home as quickly as possible now the journey time from where I was to where they were was about a five and a half hour drive and I was now stressed and Incredibly worried about my mom but there's no alternative sometimes you just have to get in the car door in I got in the car the first part of the journey were quite sort of twisty Tony roads kind of country lanes and you know if you're familiar with those if you're local you take those at the speed limit don't you because you know the bands that are coming up but I'm generally going everywhere once so I always pull back a little bit on those roads don't get us wrong like on the streets I was flooring it sometimes doing 72. it's all about me ma'am [ __ ] the law but on the twisty turny bits it was scary it was a very narrow road there were ditches either side there was obviously pitch black and cars were coming at me in the opposite direction around these bends at a hell of a rate and it was genuinely terrifying and it was on one of those bends that I hit and killed a deer now I'm a massive animal lover and was horrified by what Adorn and still am and driving at night is still not particularly any fun and it said this had happened I thought I have to I must have to ring somebody this feels like maybe I need to file a report maybe maybe this is even a criminal matter so I thought when I get home I'm gonna have to look into this and sure enough when I got home it was 5 am my mom wasn't doing too badly they'd sent her home from hospital they gave us some tablets she seemed to be responding and they sent that home and I thought now is my chance now that things have calmed down I'm gonna have to look into this so I did what we all do in situations like that if you're proud of yourself you ask your dad don't you if you're not proud of yourself you ask Google so I typed into Google what happens if I kill ah and just left it blank out of curiosity to see where the top answers were thank you top one was a Pokemon character second one was a bird of prey someone in a similar situation to myself third one what happens if I kill a policeman and as it happens because it doesn't technically belong to anybody it's not actually criminal though I did double check with the policeman friend of mine so I wanted to make sure I was going through the right protocol but also because I had a sneaking suspicion I was going to tell you a lot and if they're being criminal I probably would have kept it really [ __ ] quiet in the car as soon as it happened an idiot and and I was upset I was in a State of Shock I was crying a lot and I think it's a testament to how good your relationship is as to whether your partner can sort you out in those situations he's a very calm man my fella and I get stressed intense quite a lot and he's very good at sort of bringing me down and making me say reason and I thought well he's pretty much got his work cut out for him tonight because I still had a four and a half hour drive ahead and at that point we didn't know what I was getting home to and I said to him I can't believe I just killed a deer and he went oh babes I've killed loads of things is this the beginning of a massive confession you know how you thought your nana was ill foreign I've never been a rule breaker or a law breaker if somebody tells me I can't do something I just don't do it it's what I've always been like like my sister reminded me recently she said remember we were never allowed space just remember space dust never allowed it because my mom thought it was drugs that's where all the bands are getting into these days they're all getting hooked it was a gateway drug to dip dabs and fountains from my dad said you've had it now haven't you and I went no and he went but you're in your 30s and it went but I'm not allowed but I had quite a girly relationship with my mum when I was little like if she got new makeup or new clothes she'd always show me every single time she bought new perfume she'd always say do you want to smell me new perfume they'll go yes please and I go over to where she was she'd been down because I was only a little should pull it up to one side and I would inhale every single time she'd done a massive fart she never told me for years that's what I thought Chanel Number Five smelled like Stitch Chanel Number Two my sister she likes to buy me little presents every now and again you know sort of she always says I saw this and I thought of you and they never you know they're not big and expensive they're just deaf little things that she's seen the most recent one was a pillbox I saw this and I thought of you and it's a Mr Man pill box to show children that tablets can be fun in the Mr mine of choice is actually Little Miss late finally somewhere for all of my morning after pills the chat recently made me mum she's got a friend who's quite a bit younger than her who's on the contraceptive injection and uh well you've had I don't like the idea of the contraceptive injection because when I was on the pill I had a lot of bother with it so it was quite nice to be able to come off a street where were the injections a bit more complicated it was a very sensible conversation it was very female conversation that my dad chose to interject put his paper down and he went you should never mess with Mother Nature if I mess with Mother Nature you can talk with your metal hips to talk to people like to everybody he likes to know people open shop he will read all of the name badges so if we're going to shop because he's changed after later and they tell you go thanks very much Gene we're just glad that you stopped staring at an old lady's tit we got a train last year from London up to Newcastle made me says to my mom and dad managed to get a table on the train awesome work and we got really cheap first class tickets because I booked them when I was about nine training sat across from us on our own and my dad was instantly sort of itching to talk to a strange yet must chat and they did have a very minor conversation my dad said something life's not that cold down here is it and the lady said no it's much warmer than it is up north that was it that was the extent of the conversation yet my dad still saw fit in 10 minutes time when the woman removed her cardigan to go here there's a mobile phone is getting on he's nearly 70 he's got a mobile phone and it's mostly for incoming so maybe sister can text him to say we're all right or we can ring him if we need him he's not really bothered about texting out he finds it a lot of fat but doesn't have the patience anymore so to make his life easier and [ __ ] no us who taught them how to do this yourself a template text which he sends out gardless of the situation and the template text says Champion love Dad whether I've won an award I've been [ __ ] myself All Night Champion love Dad I've been trying to think of a question that I could ask him where that would be a really good answer like and the only one I can come up with is Dad what was the name of the Wonder Horse on the Telly in the 80s but it was about this time last year that I was worried about my family my mum and dad are both retired and both disabled and I was worried about them sort of thinking before they put the heating on you know it was a very cold winter sort of thinking can we afford it before they put the heating on and I said you know what you've looked after me all these years including the two I moved back in after I got divorced never have kids because I never probably [ __ ] leave then maybe I could still give me a bit of a hand maybe I could start paying a heating bill not happy not happy very proud people my parents there's a lot of sort of wrestling went on I mean verbal I wanted to let me dad on the floor up and out hips willy nilly and they eventually agree they still weren't happy about it but their grid is the most sensible options starting to pay for the Heat and Bill months later I went to visit them my dad opened the front door and he was just wearing vest and pants my dad it's three in the afternoon why haven't you got any clothes on it's boiling in there hey anywhere this hot we had a very good upbringing we always had loads of we had loads of pets we had loads of pets because if you've got a pet I'm very jealous I'd love to have a pet I don't have that kind of Lifestyle I'm away from home too much and it would be cruel so me my fellow when we've got a bit of time off like an afternoon off we like to go to zoos and Aquariums but you can't always do that because those places are expensive and they take up a lot of time so we have perfected the art of wandering round pets at home go in with a lot of confidence you know that you could totally own a fish you know to be fair sometimes weren't around baby clothes shops and I haven't got a baby that's a lot weirder for Mom because I've got a bit of rebellion I always look knuckered and if I think anybody's suspicious at his lovable boat doesn't work and pets at home the last time we were in pets at home they had a special section to one side of animals that had been reduced just let that sink in for a second reduced it was one of the saddest things I think I've ever seen they had a big rabbit in a hutch much bigger than the other sort of sexy rabbits sexy is not the right word is it depends on the rabbit and the big rabbit to make it that little bit more heartbreaking they'd written a sign for it in the first person and the sign said hi I'm honey I'm a little bit bigger than the other rabbits I'm a little bit older than the other rabbits please take me home I thought you never expect to come face to face with a rabbit equivalent of your teenage self questions I didn't buy it it's got to learn it's depends when we're kids we had rabbits and budgies and hamsters and fish and dogs with loads of things but whenever they died we were never told that we were just told some story instead some lie anybody else have this yeah yeah what lies were your tall shout out gone to a farm what animal was it love a dog oh it's still in your voice isn't it a flower dog um dog I can't talk anymore whose lady the other day she said my rabbit never died what my rabbit never died It's just sometimes a different color and occasionally it was a guinea pig what was that love your snail ran away snail's not a pet love but did it have a name no quiet run away flower you didn't give a [ __ ] any others swung down the toilet I take it it was a fish was it locked yes yeah was it oh bless you yes went for a holiday in the lobby it was a later the other day and she said that she'd had a goldfish and when it had died she'd been told that it swam away out of the ball while I was talking to her but a chat broke out at the other side of the audience and I thought I better see what's going on over here so I finished with the lady whose fish had swam away out of the bone and I looked across here and I said what's going on and over here it was a lady in her 50s another lady in her 70s potentially mother and daughter and I said what's happening what had happened the legion f50s had gone hey that's a shame isn't it that lady was lied to about her fish swimming away because my fish actually swam away didn't it mum lover I want to live on a farm to keep an old man company but it happened to our dog we were gutted well it happened to me Nana we were thrilled but my favorite one was a young Jody lad when I did the Edinburgh Festival last year he said he'd had Terrapins and he'd been told they'd left to join the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles [Applause] [Music] I think my cautious nature is a I think it's a control issue I think I'm a bit of a control freak I think that's what it sort of boils down to I like to be in charge of all areas of my life and as I get older I realize maybe that's not the right thing maybe I need to calm down maybe I need to let other people do things for me maybe I need to be a little bit more spontaneous maybe I need to worry a little bit less about my back door you know well that sounds terrible no that's clean though don't you and I could do a bungee jump but you know for me it's all about small steps and try not to [ __ ] myself so I have some space dust in my pocket give us a web if you've done this what do I do what do I do love just put it in that's it can I just do a little bit okay any more tips [Applause] don't tell your mom I won't if you don't flower okay let's do it come what was that love [Music] hold it in my mouth okay that was worth shouting now twice wasn't it flower okay let's do it like can we do clap clap clap [Applause] thank you you got it is like the crackling is that it is that all it does 36 years is that something just as drugs what about if I put it somewhere else not now it won't start clapping [Applause] me I'm trying to wash it away it appears to have made it a lot worse did they come out the same way yeah come out the same way we'll have to remember our practice tomorrow you have a beetroot scale ronnelly did me sex space for you there it's nearly gone I've never been my whole life more often never tasted like that I don't even combine the two I'm nearly there give us a minute [Applause] I have to confess that I have done this each night on tour my mom's right I'm [ __ ] hooked oh you've been a lovely audience thank you very much for coming um let me leave you with one final thing um some people think the reason that I'm cautious is that I'm scared that I'm sort of scared of life and that's why I I pull back and I disagree entirely I love life I embrace life I just want it to last as long as possible and I think that's fairly reasonable isn't it I used to think that premature death was the worst thing nobody wants to go before that time but I don't know if it is the worst thing anymore I was in my car about six months ago driving along had the radio on and on the radio came a news report and on the news report a policeman said that her body had been found a female body and it had been found in suspicious circumstances it was horrible of course it was and at the end of the report he said that there were definitely no sexual motives and I thought if there's one thing worse than being found dead it's if they look at your body and go no way how to trim that if I were her okay thank you very much for coming good night thank you very very much I'll tell you a little thing and then you can all go home and take your bras off and do your belts so don't forget about the men I'm going to tell you another one in my euphemisms if that's all right um let's see if we can get this into common usage if possible and there's a specific scenario for this euphemism you know when you really need to poo but for whatever reason you can't go it's the wrong time or the wrong place you're going to have to hold it in maybe for five minutes maybe for six hours whatever away from a place every time when you can offload your body knows doesn't it and it begins the countdown foreign this is when you join the scene I'd been on trains and in meetings all day I burst through my front door just wanted to go on my own toilet there's nothing wrong with that is there boyfriend was in the living room he came out in the hallway and he went how's your day been love and I needed to very quickly tell him that we weren't going to be chatting straight away so I said I'm sorry love a contour right now trailers have started I've been lovely thank you very much for coming good man [Applause] foreign

Channel: Jokes On Us

Views: 547,096

Keywords: comedy, stand up, stand up comedy, comedian, stand up comedian, new comedy, best of, full comedy show, comedy compilation, universal comedy, comedy central, live at the apollo, mock the week, stand up show, comedy show, british comedy, uk comedy, Sarah Millican, Sarah Millican full show, Sarah millican comedy, newcastle comedy, full comedy special, sarah millican comedy show, thoroughly modern millican, sarah millican thoroughly modern, sarah millican youtube

Id: V2kTMs1kiJw

Length: 86min 9sec (5169 seconds)

Published: Fri Sep 01 2023