ONE QUESTION A NARCISSIST ABSOLUTELY CANNOT ANSWER

when we talk about narcissism there are quite a few characteristics that would be defining features chief among them being things like the need to be in control or having low levels of empathy or liking to be in that superior position or having what we call an alternative view of reality or having an attitude of entitlement and manipulative behavior things that go along with that now truth be told all of us at some point or another can have inclinations towards those kind of characteristics now those who are in a growth mode and are trying to mature recognize that and then we do something about it in a much better direction but the person who remains on that narcissistic spectrum and it continues to go way down to the far extreme has a pretty strong thought that says I'm pretty special I'm kind of unique and there's something about me that just doesn't fit with all the rest of you slobs out there and so they have this attitude that says well I'm entitled to different kinds of things than everybody else and I wish you could just figure that out so here's the question that I like to ask of people who have that real strong narcissistic bent and that is exactly what is it that makes you think that you're so different from everyone else now when I ask that question I don't mean it in a sarcastic or even a combative kind of way like hey what's the deal with you or what makes you think you're so great and sometimes I know that you're inclined to want to just talk with them that way but basically I'm just asking help me understand how did you arrive at that conclusion that you're so far above other individuals now many narcissists can answer the question in the sense that they may talk with you about their accomplishments or their achievements or some of their unique experiences and they'll say well some of these kinds of things that have happened to me in my life set me apart and make me indistinct in a very wonderful kind of way and so they're pretty impressed with themselves yet in doing so they don't really in come to terms with what's at the core of every single humans personality see let's keep in mind that one of the the elements of Darcis ISM is that they live with what we would call a false image or they give a false impression of what they are they can't come to terms with their real self and I'd like to just run through quite a few indicators that would imply you know this person that thinks of themselves as being extra-special well maybe they're not maybe they're just like all the rest of us but they're afraid to say yeah that's me as a simple example one thing that we can say about all human beings is everybody hurts somebody oughta put a song like that and everybody hurts okay I digress everybody hurts every one of us has a an experience or many experiences in our world where we say you know I was disappointed or someone treated me poorly and that means that we each can have ball nerble moods we can each have a need on the inside that says I want to be understood in a much deeper way a narcissist doesn't like to say they hurt unless they're gonna blame mode and they're trying to make you feel guilty and shamed but they don't like to make themselves be vulnerable about who they really are they don't like to talk about their hurts or their disappointments in a way where they take ownership of their emotions or another common thing about human nature we all have a need for affirmation now one of the main features of narcissism is oh they want to be admired and yet but when you say you know you've kind of need for affirmation boy that word need really puts the air up on their backside I don't really need that it's just like people just admire me they affirm me just because my well Who I am and rather than saying you know I do want to have other people know me and affirm me and talk to me about a significance that they see in me they see more of that affirmation as being a an attitude of entitlement or something that they require as opposed to something that they have on the inside just like everyone else or just very similar to that we all want to have some form of reassurance I mean even if you are really good at what you do and you've succeeded it's nice to have people patch on the back and say hey way to go I like that now a narcissist again they love that they want to be regaled and they want to be held up as being somebody that's a little extra special but it's a part of their insecurity rather than just a regular when I preference or a desire and when you say well you seem to have a very strong need for affirmation that's like I don't have a need for that either it's just I'm the best and people see and they recognize it or how about this one yeah with respect to being human we all blunder we all make mistakes we miscalculate narcissist narcissists included they miscalculate they blunder but when you bring that up to a narcissist attention they'll say well if there was a miscalculation it was your fault and if there are a whole lot of miscalculations they'll say it's your fault a lot of times and rather than saying you know I do some things right I do some things wrong that's just part of me and my humanity just like everyone else that they have a great difficulty in coming to terms with the fact that they are routine blunderers act like all the rest of us or how about this one every one of us is interconnected in very deep ways sometimes when we don't even realize it now a narcissist likes to think of themselves as being kind of self-sufficient and above and beyond every single human being so to that person I'd like to think hey see those nice clothes that you're wearing who made those clothes and where did all that material come from and who went to all the trouble to to put all the ingredients together so that you could have the fineries and that that nice car that you have where'd that come from where'd the medal come from and all those things on the inside of the engine and you know the people that put together the computers that helped it run do you do that Oh or what about just some simple things like you know food that you have where'd you get your food oh I see somebody grew it just for you huh and and you can't do that on your own can you and the the narcissus doesn't like to come to terms with the fact that there's this deep deep interconnectedness that we all have with one another and for example somebody you know cleans up the office or that you live in or somebody cleans up the worksite that you work in do you appreciate that is that something you would do we all depend on one another in some way or another and it shows that we need people in different kinds of spheres of influence and capability because it's not good for all of us to be the same the narcissist rather than thinking you know I'm grateful for that their thinking is well the good news is I'm at the top of the stack and all those four other folks of them and I don't need a Remmy actually yes you do and be glad that you have other people around you or another true thought about human nature we all have blind spots there are times when I may be tooling along and I'm thinking I'm doing pretty good with my day and some Linda cares about me or maybe sometimes they don't care about me they may point out hey you missed something over here or you did something over here that actually was way off the protocol or I think this offended someone and if I'm a maturing person I'm gonna say okay talk to me about it because I know that I don't have it right all the time and so I'm willing to admit yeah I have some blind spots a narcissist when you point those things out to them it's like now these are blind spots there's something wrong with your perception and so I meant to do everything right they just didn't they didn't understand me correctly they absolutely cannot see themselves as being a regular human being or sometimes everyone of us can be bland and boring and there's just sometimes that you're just not a terribly appealing person that's okay I mean we all have our damn moments I'm sometimes you have bad breath narcissus do you have bad breath the nurses say no not me everybody else does but not mean I don't have body odor either you do you're a human being or let's also recognize that there are times when you don't always know the answers to every single question in other words you could use the expertise of other people it brings you down a few notches when you say I'm not sure or I don't know actually when we get into the even deeper issues of why are you here on this earth we can come up with some philosophical ideations about why we're here and and we could go a long ways but you know bottom line is there's just a lot of mystery that's a part of our life and the the healthy person says I'm gonna lean into that and and I don't have to know all things at all times and if you catch me in a moment where I have to just say you got me on that or I'm not sure or let me look into that I'm okay and just simply saying that or another thought no one is going to be universally admired the narcissist wants to be they think they should be but there are people out there that for whatever reason aren't going to blend well with you and rather than saying well I just hate being around idiots you might just realize well the world has so many different kinds of people that not it's not always going to work out well and I can live with that so in other words there there's a haughty element that we want to try to remove from the equation the fact is just like everyone else that narcissist has to put their socks on one at a time just like you and me and then there's one real large equalizer and that is we all die we're mortal we don't have the the mind of God that we can hold ourselves over everyone else and say well I'm the one enlightened person and all the people in my sphere of influence look to me admire me that's not necessary so when we ask the person the narcissistic person what is it that makes you so different I think that we can say well there's that yeah they may have different experiences or achievements but we all do there are some things that I've done and you've done that are different from someone else that's not what makes you somebody that's super special we're we're each unique in the kinds of experiences we have and we're all alike and so as we think in terms of how to have the the healthiest kind of personality what we want to do is bring down that false self take the mask off and say we're all human now and we're all in this together and even though we have different skills and capabilities and experiences there is that interconnectedness that says I don't want everybody to be like me and and I'm glad that you get to be your unique self and we'll celebrate our variety and we'll celebrate our differences that's something the narcissist has a difficult time with so I'm hoping that as you observe that you can come to terms with your humanity and even if that narcissistic individual does not I'm hoping you can see through that false sense of entitlement that they live with and recognize that's just a regular human being just kind of like the rest of us I do hope that you gain from these videos beneath the video you're going to see a subscribe button and if you've not done so already I'd invite you to subscribe so that we can keep you aware of more videos that come along also beneath the video I have some links to some of my books and some online workshops and I'd encourage you to take advantage of that I really like being a part of your journey and I'm glad that you're along here with me and just know that I take our interaction very seriously I know that the Internet it's it's an interesting thing and I'm glad that we were able to use the Internet in a way that we can join each other in our growth efforts so thanks for allowing me to be along the way with you that being said I shall see you next time

Channel: Surviving Narcissism

Views: 840,015

Keywords: narcissism, narcissist, gaslighting, Dr. Les Carter, mental health, divorce, psychology, counseling, manipulators

Id: QOIitzF0O_E

Length: 13min 30sec (810 seconds)

Published: Wed Apr 10 2019