One Question That Sets Up A Narcissist's Collapse

being very entitled and controlling narcissists have no difficulty stepping all over your personal boundaries so that's why I put together an extensive video class called this is me it has 25 videos written documents guided questions I'm going to teach you how to have healthy boundaries there's a link below and I hope you'll find it to be quite therapeutic foreign [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] I want to talk with you today about a topic that I hope helps you understand what's down at the very core of the pattern of narcissism that leads to its own demise narcissists are on a path towards personal collapse they're on a path towards personal decomposition now I'm going to start the the discussion off by reminding you that every one of us experiences some form of psychological pain there are no exceptions each of us have had some hurt that's been very unfair it could be that you've been ostracized from individuals that you never thought you were going to have to deal with with respect to that you may have been ridiculed you may have been exposed to ongoing anger and contempt and hatred or abusive treatment from other individuals it could be that you've been rejected and dismissed I mean the possibilities are endless and it can happen in many different kind of scenarios whether it's inside a marriage or in a toxic work environment or an extended family circumstance it could be that you've had adult kids that have bailed on you and what makes it worse is they've been coached to bail on you like I say the possibilities are quite Broad now every one of us when we have those moments where something goes wrong and it creates that emotional pain and hurt can ask questions like you know why me you know this seems so unfair and of course my response is in many cases yeah it is unfair you're right or they may think to themselves I hate it when the other people just win and I feel like I'm over in the losing Circle here I don't like any of the options in front of me and when we are at that place in life there's one question that emerges that uh the the answer to this question is going to determine whether we Thrive or whether we can collapse and that's simply this how should I manage my pain uh now we can see that there are times when we are posed with that question right when we're in the midst of trauma and so when we are being traumatized or we're in the midst of very difficult circumstances we tend not to be very objective in moments like that sometimes we're forced to answer answer that question what am I going to how am I going to manage my pain when we're too young or immature to know how to even respond to that it can be in your early developmental years or your early adult years and therefore patterns are put into play long before maturity catches up with you but the bottom line is we each need to go back and and recognize hurt and pain exists can I figure out how I'm going to manage it in such a way that leads to growth rather than collapse now when we talk about the pattern of narcissism the the characteristics that define that pattern are so dysfunctional High need for control and manipulation and an insensity towards the needs of other individuals low empathy um the uh they have what we call an alternate reality they just try to make up the facts as they go along uh there can be a just a an ongoing selfishness and self-absorption when they come to that question how am I going to manage my pain they make selections that take them in very much of a wrong direction and it's going to be so important for you to understand when you see I'm going to give you some illustrations of what they uh the options that they select it's going to be important for you to realize that this is their inappropriate way of responding to that question for example when narcissists have experienced pain one of the options that they'll select is is to become super tight and impenetrably defensive narcissists have decided you are not about to see my vulnerabilities and it makes it incredibly difficult for them to discuss things in a meaningful way that is going to lead toward healing another option that narcissists select when they try to figure out how to manage their pain is that they'll choose one up options over other individuals if it's the one who's generated the pain they may choose Vengeance I'll show you who's Bossier or if they know they choose not to do that then they'll one-up someone else and by displacing their pain on some innocent bystander and that bystander thing what if I do but they like to one-up people somehow that makes them feel like their pain is is being alleviated many times they go into a blame shifting mode that they just think in terms of who do I blame and and who can I make as stored and it's not at all constructive in essence what they do is they just have this free-floating anger that guides them narcissists will respond to Pain by holding on to grudges it's kind of like if you have created pain and hurt in me I don't know when it's going to happen but it will happen you will pay Nobody messes with me they they develop a thick crust of contempt around their mind and heart in addition they'll turn the tables and become the one who inflicts pain is somehow it's like well if I can just make everybody else in my world afraid of me and know that I'm going to come at them with a hammer that means somehow that uh alleviates my pain it doesn't but that's their Twisted logic many times narcissists will turn towards mind-numbing Alternatives and by that you know the old wine women in song they may go towards substances or shallow kinds of behaviors materialism and things like that to somehow make them feel like they can get away and run away from the pain that basically it's like please don't make me have to think I just want to do something momentarily that's going to make me feel like I'm okay typically narcissists will respond to Pain by using people to make them feel good in the moment they'll suck them dry they'll discard them and then they repeat the process narcissism is in their pain decide well I'm just going to stay in my place of cynicism and they can be sarcastic and they can be highly critical that's their way of answering the question how am I going to manage pain they they throw it out onto people and circumstances they make it everybody else's fault but the bottom line is they don't think in a very uh introspective way at all they're not known for having reflective thinking now let's uh recognize that every one of us like I say has those moments of darkness and those moments of hurt and frustration narcissists guarantee their own personal Collapse by saying I'm going to take the darkness that I've experienced and I'm going to become a party to that darkness and they go into an even deeper dark place that's what the narcissistic pattern is all about they don't focus on what we might refer to as the non-pain Alternatives and that's what sets them up for their own collapse and decomposition so I want to ask you something and that is would you consider yourself to be a lifelong learner knowing that pain is there would you be willing to say how am I going to learn from the pain now some people say we just need to embrace your pain I don't know that I'm so too much into that but I am going to say well I know the pain is there what what lessons are there for me so that I don't carry it any more than I need to and I certainly don't need to inflict it on other individuals let me throw a couple of thoughts here at you first as you try to come to terms with that question how should I manage my pain it is good to seek answers to the why questions why is this going on what's behind the scenes in those other individuals that are on the stage in my life and sometimes having some explanations about some of a person's backstory can be satisfactory and it can at least help you find a certain amount of objectivity now having said that I'm also going to recognize that there are Hawaiian questions that just don't don't lead you to any kind of satisfying answer and that being the case we have to make room for a certain amount of ministry the bottom line is frankly I I consider myself to be a pretty educated person but I don't always have the answers to the Hawaiian questions and even if I'm smart enough to know every single the answer to every single why question the bottom line is there's the pain anyway and so sometimes we just have to accept there's a mystery to life there's a loose endedness to life and I need to accept it for what it is but then we still are going to continue forward with the the thought that says what are my non-pain responses uh can I will I go into a much different direction than those who inflict pain I hope that that's something you can can determine that you're going to do that being the case you want to ask yourself how does goodness and decency play a role in my life can I maintain that as a front line way of living knowing that pain is there but I don't want to go into that place of darkness and then in addition we want to ask is there still a purpose that I can find in my life that that takes me beyond the pain that's in front of me and I'm going to quote I'm going to read a quote to you from one of my heroes in Psychiatry Dr Victor Frankel he's a Austrian psychiatrist who went through the Holocaust Dr Frankel says forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing and that is your freedom to choose how you will respond to a situation and I'm hoping that you can decide you know even if I have had pain I still have the privilege to choose who I'm going to be that being the case I hope that you would join me in saying I want to choose love I want to find out exactly what love is and lean into it as fully as possible I don't want to go into that place of contempt and hate than darkness that the narcissist goes into I choose gratitude I want to find things in my life sometimes simple sometimes at large that give me a sense of well-being I want to be a grateful person I want to I want to choose boundaries knowing who I am and living inside my definitions myself and and not letting other individuals decide for me who I'm going to be I want to choose respect starting with respecting myself and then extending to that person that's in front of me I want to choose empathy I feel pain I know you do too would you like to talk I'd like to understand you I hope that you would be willing to do the same in reverse and then in addition I choose Transcendence and when I say Transcendence I know that pain exists this but there's something bigger in this world too that also exists and that's the the love and the decency and the goodness that I'm mentioning here I want to make sure that I realize there's something bigger going on here that maybe I don't fully understand but I want to find it as much as I can that gives me meaning and helps me be a positive presence in the life of another person now we go back to that narcissist and we realized because of the ingredients that Define who they are they're not able to come up to a good and come up with a good answer to that question how will I manage my pain but I'm hoping that you can be a thinker and you can be somebody who's an intuitive and insightful and you can say you know I'm going to be working on that as a lifelong learner for the rest of my life and in doing so it gives you the possibility of finding a sense of steadiness that they're simply not able to come to terms with and I hope the video such as this can give you some good insights and awareness of what you're dealing with every time you see that narcissist you know fall apart in front of you just know that you're dealing with a very painful person burned out from the inside out uh if you've not already hit the Subscribe button I would encourage you to do so we'll keep more videos coming in your direction hit that notification bells and as you watch the videos in a cumulative basis I hope it helps you develop a well-conceived philosophy of living uh likewise if you have a need for therapy and I know that many of you are interested in something like that you know I've been sponsored for years now by the people at betterhelp.com there's a link below that will take you to their website and if you go through our link you get a 10 discount it's very accessible and affordable please get the assistance that you would need in that direction likewise I have my therapeutic courses and these are like signing up for an online class they're very extensive with multiple videos written documentation and guided questions we have Ready Set connect about making good connection skills this is me about establishing those boundaries and we have free to be about finding yourself despite the controllers in addition we have my webinars that have already been presented but you can still purchase those we have my surviving nurses and podcasts we have our website with many articles my books there are a lot of resources and I hope you're able to Avail yourself to that we all heard and then that's not something we want to embrace but there it is but we all need to come to terms with that question how shall I manage my pain and I think that as you are able to manage it with decency and goodness it positions you to be a person of steadiness that the narcissist is not able to be and then more importantly it positions you to be able to remain on your pathway toward peace thank you

Channel: Surviving Narcissism

Views: 162,968

Keywords: narcissism in relationships, NPD, gaslighting, covert narcissism, self esteem, malignant narcissist, anger, psychology, Dr. Les Carter, surviving narcissism

Id: fia8QpG6-tM

Length: 14min 35sec (875 seconds)

Published: Thu May 18 2023