The Most Effective Response To A Narcissist's False Accusations

being very entitled and controlling narcissists have no difficulty stepping all over your personal boundaries so that's why I put together an extensive video class called this is me it has 25 videos written documents guided questions I'm going to teach you how to have healthy boundaries there's a link below and I hope you'll find it to be quite therapeutic [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] as you engage with anyone on an ongoing basis you're going to come to to the realization that sometimes we just don't think the same we don't interpret life in the same way we have different preferences or priorities or different ways of approaching various kinds of tasks and projects and healthy individuals make room for variety and and when we run into moments where we just are in a certain kind of conflict we can have a give and take flow of communication narcissists don't do that narcissists have such a fixed notion about how correct they are and how you just don't have the same Enlightenment as them that they bring um an easily critical mindset toward you and of course that's going to set them up towards having lots of accused accusational uh comments in your direction how many times have you heard the narcissist say something like you know your family is just nuts and you know it or why did you do something this way I hate it when you do this instead of this here's what you need to do instead or you're just like your mother or you're lying to me right now aren't you or they can accuse you of being argumentative or they can accuse you of being irrational or they may say the uh the inevitable I can't believe you did such and such I mean how many times have you been on the receiving end of the accusations from The Narcissist implying if there's a problem here it has to be you we need to fix you we need to get you in your place now I want you to pause and ask what does this tell us about that narcissistic person when they just feel such a strong need to come at you with all sorts of false accusations they don't slow down long enough to say hey let's consider the facts they just have their narrative and they push it in a very forceful kind of way basically one of the things that we can say is when you're engaging with a narcissist to them truth is whatever suits their narrative in the moment they're not fact-based they're they're very uh subjective in the way that they engage with you not objective likewise the the fact that they have such an attitude of entitlement it inhibits their ability to be objective you're not dealing with an objective kind of person you're dealing with somebody that has a hard agenda in addition the more they come toward you with all of these accusations you realize these are individuals who have a pretty short memory or selective memory about themselves it's not like they come toward you with a perfect slate they have flaws too but now why don't we just focus on your flaws that's how they think and you're not allowed to say anything in Reverse about theirs somehow The Narcissist has convinced himself or herself that it's their job to explain to you what your motivations are it's like well I know you better than you know yourself and you're thinking no you don't it's like yes I do and I need to I need to set you straight and explain to you how things ought to be and so even though these are the individuals who create and then perpetuate strain and tension you know what they do they make themselves to be the victim they're the ones that's creating all the strain and difficulty but it's like yeah look what you're doing to me go figure and so basically I'm hoping you can understand that when narcissists come toward you with all of their hard criticisms and false accusations what they're doing is they're playing out their own inner chaos they're playing out their own inner strain and struggle toward you rather than dealing with who they are from the inside out now obviously when you're on the receiving end of this kind of treatment and this kind of communication from them it's going to have a certain impact on you for example how many times have you found yourself leaning back on your heels having to defend yourself so to speak and and you can see that there can there are times when you can have a sense of incredulity like I can't when you're talking to me this way what's going on with you or many times as you're on the receiving end of their accusations you wind up getting caught in anger and you get caught up in the circular arguments that go nowhere with that individual and then at the end of it all you just feel terrible and the The Narcissist feels like they have fuel for more accusations toward you sometimes it creates a feeling of contempt on the inside of it you have a sense of bitterness it can be there and you hold grudges like I hate it when these people just keep coming at me like this other times you wind up thinking why bother and so you go into the appeasement mode or other times you withdraw not only from them but from other people because you're so emotionally drained I mean when you're on the receiving end of this type of accusation which can be a form of course of psychological abuse it takes its toll on you so all of that having been said let's see if we can figure out the best way to respond when the narcissist has this notion that says there's something wrong with you and and I'm the one that's going to set you straight now in order to get the right kind of response toward this you want to get your head right you want to have a right kind of mentality so we're just going to pause and the first step that we're going to say in terms of you getting a right kind of reaction is take a deep breath and remind yourself who you're dealing with and remind yourself that this is not someone that you want to have established your pace these are not healthy individuals and this is not someone that you want to take your cues from it's so important for you to learn how to distinguish yourself in a more detached kind of way from them so that's the mindset you begin with and then taking it a bit further a second step that we can take is let's just go and start with the notion that says you don't need to continue to justify yourself or defend yourself to that narcissistic individual basically it's never your explanation is never going to be good enough the reason they have false accusations keeping in mind is it's part of their need to concoct and alternate reality and they have to include a certain belief about you in a negative direction to pump themselves up don't defend don't justify it don't feel like you have to explain why it's okay to be you they have their minds already made up a third thought and this takes what I'm saying a little bit further is you want to get your mind grounded in reality and even if the reality is ugly you want to go ahead and accept what's true you're dealing with an irrational person you're dealing with someone who needs you to be inferior notice I say they need you to be that way they have to elevate themselves as someone else's expense you're dealing with someone who's in full compensation mode for their own sense of incompetence and and in order to kind of check yourself on this how many times have you heard yourself say I can't believe that this person treats me this way well let's believe it now having said all of that then I'm hoping a forethought that you can take is you want to determine separately from The Narcissist the characteristics that you would like to be known for and and what I tell folks is write it down come up with a list about 12 15 or even more traits that you want to have predominant in your personality whether it's patience or firmness or respect or honor or having your sense of boundaries or having a sense of self-restraint come up with a good list of of ingredients that says this is who I am this is how I Define myself then going a bit further you want the number five you want to rehearse in advance some of the primary scenes where you're going to need to apply those healthy characteristics narcissists want to pull you into their unhealthiness and so when they argue you're thinking wait a minute is arguing I'll buy a list of preferred characteristics no it's not what is well how about self-restraint how about firmness how about self-confidence those with these uh where you would apply those characteristics in a moment like that and so your mind has said this person doesn't establish my face and then this is a big one a sixth thing that you want to go toward as you try to respond properly to their accusations commit yourself to calm confidence and the narcissist doesn't know what to do with that for example when the The Narcissist has all of these uh accusations I don't like the way you did this if you did this wrong and there you go again or you're just nothing but a sore spot in my life in in calmness and in confidence it's like yeah I've already come to terms with that in my mind I know that's how you think I think differently and I have a pretty good view of who I am so that's where you are that's not where I am and you just want to have this sense that says I'm comfortable with who I am and then finally a seventh part of you establishing better responses to their accusations move forward with your behaviors that make sense to you you don't have to have their agreement you don't have to have their concurrence or endorsement uh if they accuse you then let's realize that's them trying to satisfy their own neurotic and and unmet needs you're not required to participate in that and this this last step I call it boundaries in action I Define myself I'm living into it and you don't get to decide that for me and lean into what you know is wisest and best now like I mentioned when a narcissist comes at you with constant invalidation and accusation of a false nature remind yourself you are indeed dealing with a psychologically unhealthy person hoping that that person is going to change is not a good strategy what you're going to need to do is individualize your own efforts and individualize your own movement forward knowing that they're not going to be able to join you but you can still live inside of your sense of worth you can still live inside of your sense of self-esteem even as the narcissist considers you to be an idiot like okay that's what's what you think I don't think that way I'm moving forward and you know we we have a term for this I call it delicate Detachment in your Detachment you realize that you're not going to change that person but you can change yourself and that narcissist even though they they're desperate to have control over who you are is not in control they don't have the final word now the narcissist has been working really hard to explain to you what's wrong about you and in a vast majority of the cases so it is projection it's their way of trying to put their unfinished business onto you and you don't have to buy into that I'm hoping you can be the kind of person that says well being me is quite adequate and then when the narcissist reminds you that it's not then I'm hoping your next thought would be well being me is still quite adequate I'm going to go ahead and lean into that they can accuse a way you can change that what you can do is you can fixate on your healthiness and let that become your calling card now I hope the video such as this gave you some good food for thought if you've not already hit the Subscribe button I would encourage you to do so and as you watch the videos on an on a cumulative basis I'm hoping it gives you a real good foundation for how you're going to deal with situations like this likewise if you and so please hit the Subscribe button uh likewise if you have a need for therapy and I know many times when you're dealing with this it would be helpful for you to have somebody who could help you unpack this you know I've been sponsored for years by the people at betterhelp.com is that online therapy has become very popular accessible and affordable and so there's a link below and they can take you to to the better help people sign up through the link and you get a 10 discount on that first month please get the assistance that you need if that's the case likewise I have my therapeutic video classes and each class it's uh it's very extensive in the way that it's laid out I put a lot of work into it it would require a lot of work from you each each one has multiple videos like 25 or more with in documents and guided questions we have Ready Set connect about making good connections with people this is me about establishing those boundaries free to be finding yourself despite those controllers likewise we have my webinars we have our podcast the the website has many uh articles on there my books Etc so please we have plenty of resources and about yourself to all of that narcissists by definition are just going to push their agenda onto you they're going to accuse you just know that's what that's what comes with the turf and you don't have to make them think differently what I'm hoping is you can fix yourself from the inside out so that when they do not if but when they do come at you with false accusations there can be a sense on the inside of you that says I'm comfortable with who I am I know you're not but I am and in doing so it allows you to pursue your directives towards steadiness and I'm hoping the net result is going to be you finding your sense of peace foreign [Music]

Channel: Surviving Narcissism

Views: 50,728

Keywords: gaslighting, narcissism in relationships, NPD, covert narcissism, anger, psychology, self esteem, Dr. Les Carter, narcissism

Id: vIBQJQGY9yY

Length: 14min 12sec (852 seconds)

Published: Thu Aug 03 2023