Ask and you shall receive. When I released my video about, What it's like to be in a
relationship with a narcissist, So many of you immediately asked me to talk
about what to do when a parent is a narcissist. So here we are. We are going to discuss the five signs
that you have a narcissistic parent. And what having a narcissistic parent can
do to our growth and development. And don't worry, at the end I will share
some tips on how to heal from the abuse, Because it can and will get better. Oh, and if you are wanting to know
more about narcissism as a whole, What it is, How it's diagnosed, Or what causes someone to have it. I will link my other videos in the
description down below. The first sign of a narcissistic parent, Is that they see you as
an extension of them. Expecting you to live out any
of their hopes and dreams, At the cost of your own
independence and autonomy. They may even act jealous of
your increasing independence, Because that is seen as a threat to them, And their ability to get the attention
and admiration that they need from you. A lot of people call this attention,
the narcissistic supply. Now, while it is normal,
just so you know, It's completely normal for a parent
to want their child to do well, Or want them to have a
better life than they had, It becomes unhealthy,
and a sign of narcissism, When the child's thoughts, beliefs,
or desires are not allowed. Many of you have told me that you can
feel like a puppet, or even worse, That as you get older you find it really
difficult to make decisions for yourself, Because, you don't want to let them
down or do something to upset them. And you can put aside any of your own hopes
and dreams in order to fulfil theirs. And this is harmful
to us for many reasons. Number one, We never get to develop our own
autonomy or independence, Which can make it hard for us to make our
own decisions, enter into healthy relationships, And feel secure enough to
create our own life path. This can lead us to being
afraid to leaving our home, Or maybe the comfort
of our own home town, We can fear any risk, So we focus our schooling on something that
they are sure that they will approve of, And we take the safest job possible. We can also need others in our lives
to make any tough decisions for us. Which, finally, can cause
us to get into relationships, Romantic or not, With people who are just like that parent,
because that's what's normal to us. Not to mention that they are always more
than happy to make decisions for us. And in a way, we like that. Because the only blueprint
we have for relationships, Is one that doesn't allow
for our independence, So why would we all of a
sudden decide to seek it out now. And it can feel scary and uncomfortable
to even consider doing that. And if we find ourselves in
this situation or relationship, Where we are encouraged
to be independent, We can immediately find ourselves feeling
insecure or childlike in many ways. And that's because it's so foreign, That we may run away from
any of those types of relationships, For fear that we will only
upset them or ourselves. The second sign, Is emotional blackmail. Now I have talked
about this in the past, But if you don't remember, Emotional blackmail is when someone uses
our empathy and care for them against us. I recently learned that the
term emotional blackmail, Was popularised by the
psychotherapist Susan Forward, And she also uses the term fog,
f-o-g To explain how manipulative people
can use fear, obligation, and guilt, To get us to do exactly what they want. And maybe I need to do an entire
video about emotional blackmail, So let me know in those comments if that's
something that you would be interested in. But anyways, A parent who tries to
emotionally blackmail us, Can threaten to harm themselves, or
someone else if we don't do what they want. They can say things like, "If you loved me, you
would do [this] for me" Or, "If you don't do [this] I'm going
to tell everyone your secret." Parents who do this can
even withhold love or support, As a way to get us to
bend to their needs. Or they will use the phrase, "After all I've done for you." In short, narcissistic parents use this
tactic to ensure we are too scared to say no. Or even if we do, they
will lay on the guilt so thick, That we may think it's easier
to just do what they want. And now, just to be clear,
so that everybody hears this, We don't owe our parents anything. I know that sounds crazy, But relationships are not built on
laundry lists of getting owed to us. I mean, think about that for a second. That isn't how any relationship is built. Instead, our relationship
with our parents, Should be based on mutual
love and care for each other, Because you have grown
together in so many ways. And you want to be in
each others lives, period. Emotional blackmail is a form
of manipulation and emotional abuse. And if we grew up with
a parent who did this, It can lead to symptoms
of depression and anxiety. If someone is always threatening you, Or using guilt to manipulate
your decision making, Of course we can struggle to enjoy anything,
feel down a lot of the time, And feel like we are in a
constant state of worry. Being emotionally blackmailed, Makes it impossible for us to
express how we feel in a real way. Therefore, we can tend to stuff
everything in, in order to survive. And anger, or really any emotion turned
inwards, can lead to mental health issues. The third sign, Is public shaming. I know this may seem obvious, Like we would all notice if someone's
parent put them down in public, But this narcissistic behaviour can
be even more sneaky than that. For example, A narcissistic parent will tell embarrassing
stories about their child to others. Often when the child is there. Pretending that they
think it's cute or funny, Even though it's at their child's expense. They can also knit-pick
everything we do. Negating any successes we have had, And negatively comparing us to someone
else's child, or one of our siblings. Overall sending the message that we
are never going to be good enough. And they may even say that directly to
us, that we are not good enough, Especially if they are a toxic narcissist. I recently heard a story
from a friend of mine, Who's mother is
unfortunately narcissistic, That while they were at dinner to
celebrate their father's birthday, Her mother took it upon herself to let
the entire family, and some friends, Know that she felt her daughter's college
education was a complete waste of her money. She went on and on
about how much it cost, And how my friend didn't make
much money in her job as a teacher, Such shameful and hurtful behaviour. And of course, This isn't the first time her
mother has acted like this. And, unfortunately we all
know that it wont be the last. And this behaviour really just
eats away at our confidence. It leaves us filled with shame. As I'm sure you can
see with all the signs, The goal with any narcissistic parent, Is to wear us down, So that we are completely
dependant on them for everything. Giving them all the love,
attention, and support they need. Leaving us with shame,
upset, and insecurity. The fourth sign, Is that they are always the victim. I personally, find this one
to be the most difficult. Because it comes along with
blaming and shaming. They can't ever be the one who
caused anyone pain or upset. They always do what's right and good, Everyone around them is just so
disrespectful or stupid or hurtful, urgh, And this can even come along
with specific memory loss. And yes, I mean
that 100% sarcastically. They can laundry list all of the
ways that you've hurt them, Ways that you have let them down, Things that you have done that
they found so embarrassing. But, if you mention just one thing
they said that hurt your feelings, They tell you you're remembering it wrong, Or that that never happened at all. Even if we had proof of
their harmful behaviour, They would insist that you created
that just to hurt them more. It's exhausting. It's upsetting. And, it's gaslighting. Which, if you don't remember,
is a form of manipulation, Where someone picks away
at your memory of things, So you begin to start, you know,
questioning yourself and your sanity. And I have a full video on
that too if you are interested, And I will link that
in the description. Having a parent who acts this way, Can lead to us questioning our sanity,
our own memory of things, And erode at our self confidence. We can feel like we are walking
on eggshells all the time, Afraid to do anything
that might upset them. And of course, as you can imagine, this can
lead to pretty intense symptoms of anxiety. Constantly worry about things, If we are doing things the right way. Or if we are in someone else's way, All sorts of stuff like that. And the fifth and final sign, Although I'm sure there are so many more, And you are more than welcome
to leave those in the comments, I'm happy to do more
videos about this if you want. But that fifth sign, Is neglect. Many of you have reached out to me, Telling me that because
your parent is a narcissist, They never put you or your feelings first. Or that any emotions you had,
were shushed or ignored. They could have left you at home
alone when you were really really young, Or even taken you along with
them to adult parties or events, Where you really shouldn't have been. In short, they never checked
in to see how you were. And you were seen as more of an annoyance or
distraction from them and what they want. Some parents will even use
their children kind of as bait, To get more attention
from other people. So in a way, it's still like
you are not important, Your emotions aren't relevant, And you are more of a tool in their
toolbox versus their child and loved one. And this can cause us to start to
believe that we aren't important, We aren't loved or valued. As we get older we can struggle to name
our emotions, our needs or wants. Because they were never noticed or
supported when we were growing up. In short, we weren't able to develop our
own emotional inelegance or regulation, Because it wasn't discussed
or possibly allowed. But I feel like that's enough about how
shitty it can be to have a narcissistic parent, So lets get in to the good
stuff about how we can heal, Because we can. My first tip, Reparenting yourself. I know this is hard, But if you think back to the first sign, In order for us to become
independent and feel safe doing so, We're going to have to create that
healthy foundation we never had. This can be taking care of
ourselves when we get sick, Saying some remothering, or
refathering statements every day, These are things like, I love you. You are important. I will take care of you. Anything you wished you'd heard
from your parent, tell it to yourself. It can feel odd at first, I know, but
trust me it does help us begin to heal. And I have an entire
video about reparenting too, If you are interested in much
more detailed information about it. My second tip, We have to learn about healthy
boundaries, and how to uphold them. Back to sign number two, We need to make a list of things
you are willing to do for your parent, When you aren't angry or
upset, and stick to that list, No matter how much guilt, lying
or manipulating they try to do, We stick to what we
said we were okay with. You may have to distance yourself from them
so that you don't get more hurt or upset. Remember, We can't light ourselves on fire
to keep someone else warm. And they won't get better or stop doing
hurtful things unless they want to. We only have control over
what we do and how we feel. So focus on that. And limit the access that
you offer to them. My third tip, See your narcissistic
parent for who they are. I know this, you're like, this is a weird tip
Kati, that doesn't even make any sense. But reminding ourselves that
they aren't able to show empathy, Be understanding, or even be there
for us in a way that other parents can. It can prevent us from getting more hurt. So keep some of those hurtful
messages, emails, or whatever around, So that you don't forget what they are
like and fall into one of their traps again. It can also help us to learn
more about narcissism as a whole, And how it can affect us. There are some great
books out there about this, So feel free to do a search,
you know, read the reviews, Until you find one that speaks to you. And my fourth tip, Get in to therapy. I know this goes without saying, But it's so important. Being able to get the validation and
understanding we never got, Can in and of itself be healing. They can also help us heal
from the emotional abuse, And work to disprove any of those hurtful and
false beliefs that we had about ourselves. I would recommend trauma specialist
or a therapist who does DBT, Which is Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. And fifth and finally, As soon as you are able, Not when they let you,
but when you can, That's important. Get away from them. We may be able to have a
limited relationship with them, And interact during
specific times or events, But they should not be in
our life each and every day. That will only wear us down
and hinder our healing process. Remember, they
don't care about us, They only care about themselves. And we have to be the
ones to protect ourselves. I know, I know it's really hard, And we can feel guilty and
upset during this transition. But that's when leaning
in to our therapist, And any healthy friends or family
we have, for that extra support. Trust me, once you are out of their reach, You will start to feel so
much lighter and better, Have more energy that
you have ever had before. And the guilt shame and upset will
slowly fade away as we heal. Trust me, it can
and will get better. Now I know that's a lot
of information to take in, But I hope you found this helpful. Feel free to add anything you thought
I missed or tips that help you, In those comments down below, And I will see you next time, bye. Subtitles by the Amara.org community
I thought it was for her to see, too.
This video does seem as though it is directed toward a specific person and not just a general audience—as if Kati is speaking to that person through the video. I am not a fan of Kati and I have not watched her videos in a long, long time but this one seems different to me.
The description does match a lot with what we have perceived from her mom, unfortunately I doubt that Eugenia would watch this video or that she would even get it, she'll just say "my mom is cool like yeah she's like the coolest person ever"
I think her mom is definitely codependant on her and her brother for validation