"Sir, Please Calm Down"

I tried to talk out of work and this is all the computer did don't leave Frick you guys gets very cold and then dives mighty when I forget about it on the counter great characters from Star Wars where does c-3po fall on this spectrum this is too much to ask one person to answer while humans carry out social distancing a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunnan Province looking for corn and other food they ended up drinking 30 kilograms of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden god I wish I was blackout drunk off corn wine in a tea garden and Yunnan Province if I saw a portal I would enter it no questions asked how I looked like when he tells me to watch out for my teeth when I'm sucking on him but he forgot to buy me my Pepsi while grocery shopping 51 feels like the least likely number to be divisible by 3 you know what I mean and yet actually I love talking about very niche and relative or things on tumblr nothing as Shrek seer than a zero note both because it means I'm the Shrek ceased unique beach sound of an aluminium can be in crashed slow clap much asking my friend about curses hoping he'll block me on Facebook can I curse you I would love it actually I would show it off to all of my friends what would you say check out this fresh curse ray gave it to me fresh I hate when my friends support me hey WTF so you'll cursed is done but not mine I hate it when I find ancient tomes in grandma's attic and when I recite the Latin I turn into a little frog who has to jump from key to key on my laptop computer in order to post online what's happening tonight as much as I would like to explain my legs are starting to get really tired I really don't trust people who watch Riverdale like what's going on at home reading posts why do I do it today I learned that the first ever speeding ticket was issued to Walter Arnold on the 28th of January 1896 in Kent England he was blitzing through the town at 8 miles per hour four times the legal limit was chased for five miles by a police officer on a bicycle and was fined one shilling when he was finally caught glad they caught that sick freak today I learned Claudius was the first of 15 Roman emperors to not have any male lovers people thought it was strange that he was only attracted to women it is strange it's freaking weird is what it is absolutely nothing will top the video game experience of being crap at a video game but all the NPCs you come into contact with are in awe of you for being the most amazing and talented person they've ever met the seven-year-old daughter of some NPC I'm helping out the par you must come meet the hero who saved my life me dropping a grenade on the ground accidentally and immediately blowing myself up pokeymon is almost always the opposite of this I'll have six gods in my party and won the championship a half dozen times and some snot-nosed kid with one Diglett will still be like you think you can beat me vampires who just use way too much nineties slang vampires who saved why and when they get too excited vampires who mix all slang from the past five centuries mercilessly within the same breath and don't even try to stop it anymore unhand me you egg-sucking lily-livered jive-talking wackadoo foul villain cur i bite my thumb at the you ugly [ __ ] so hasta la bye-bye daddy oh my eyes are bleeding today i learned that the creator of the Carolina Reaper the hottest pepper in the world claims to have unreleased peppers that are more than twice as hot unreleased peppers dark Botany give me the unreleased peppers SCP foundation wants to know your location select your gender there they are the two genders only a CIS deals in absolutes all of my life and history aligned for that one joke we had done everyone guilhom today I learned the first known case of dying from laughing involved the Greek man called Chris tsipras who after giving figs to his donkey cried out now give the donkey a drink of pure wine to wash down the figs had a fit of laughter afterwards and died pretty funny I guess you okay James Charles no Logan Paul can you please come kiss it and make it better this interaction literally ruined my day there's not one last name between them I refuse to let this get buried in the notes I'm sick of all four of these people I've been slipping pennies into my friends pockets every time I see him for five full months I've been waiting for him to notice and he finally caught me today and he said the words I'm not kidding happy you would be a bad pickpocket and I looked him in the eyes and said oh yeah and told him to check for two pennies in his other pocket and he did and I watched his world crumble I think the best part about this long hall prank is the gentle clink clink of ham rustling the pen is in mild confusion every single time after I slipped them in there this was still the best prank I ever pulled and ever will pull Artemis and upon lawar one archery gods two twins and three immortals so they definitely regularly just shoot each other in response to like bad puns and other incredibly petty crap how big is your dog ask someone who's seen it you have never seen your own no that's gay you don't want to be rich you want to live freely that's it that's it man I sent the B movie script over iMessage to my friend who lives overseas but it didn't send us in iMessage and sent us 315 text messages instead and I'm gonna be charged for international texting for all of them karma is real and God always protects the good why is the sim so addictive but only for a short amount of time like all you do is play the sims you don't sleep you don't eat it's like you're on drugs for around two days and then forget about it for the next whole year God creating Adam and Eve then freaking off for the rest of the eternity like so I'm at the doctor's again and I see a note card on the reception desk that asks in bright red ink do you want to live forever finally I think finally I'm at the start of a vampire novel I don't actually want to live forever but I'm not about to turn down a call to adventure like that I try to flip the card over as inconspicuously as possible the other side contains a Bible verse about keeping Jesus in your heart I hate living in the South are yes the age-old struggle of is this vampires or Jesus so you're straight but looking for Gator eggs it's not Gator top lol correspondence between two Greek men every disturbing Adult Swim show wants what Courage the Cowardly Dog had you're right and you should say it oftentimes when you look back on media you enjoyed as a child it's like Hello why did they let a fourteen-year-old fight a dragon but Star Wars holds up Luke is 19 his reaction to losing his whole family is to say alright let's do this I'm gonna learn to meditate and hire a Shrek si drug dealer and his friend who's a furry to be my uber across the galaxy so I can blow up a fascist government that's something only a 19 year old would do I want people to feel about my writing the way Roger edit feels about the mummy there is hardly a thing I can say in its favor except that I was cheered by nearly every minute of it I cannot argue for the script the direction the acting or even the mummy but I can say that I was not bored and sometimes I was unreasonably pleased crystals for banishing someone any of em if you throw em hard enough this here's my banishing rock school playground equipment in the year 1900 those were simpler times looks like a kid has already fallen to his death my grandma said this is how her playground was she remembered one kid falling and shattering his shoulder one guacomole is equal to six point zero two two one four one five times ten to the 23rd Quackers I'm disgusted by my ability to get this joke one might even call it avocados number no there's no more seats Netflix is using its widescreen version of malcolm in the middle' that was never supposed to air shout out to do a stand in 1800s French military uniform today's military uniforms where did all the style go where was the time when you could just out fab your opponents sir there are too many of them there is no hope silence coward what is it that we have that they don't have courage sir no livings too new for we have more butter consider this wheelchair should be free consider this if you needed to live it should be affordable consider this if you need it to live it should be free today I learned while in college the writer of night of the museum would regularly visit museums while high on acid yeah that makes sense Who am I fighting gently bully my friends kindly and lovingly I don't mean mocking your friends for their interests and putting down something personal in a joking manner I mean one of my friends think so dura spicy because quote bubbles I'm talking sending them a tick tock or dumb meme and saying is this you to which they will respond freak you but will still leave a like on the message lemon lemon I can't with this the fact that three of the last four American presidents were born in the same year as a freaking problem Donald Trump June 14th 1946 George W Bush July 6 1946 Bill Clinton August 19 1946 Barrack Obama August 4th 1961 of course Bush and Trump are Gemini's and Obama and Clinton are Leo's the frick that's a weird thing to take from this David Tennant's voice oh no it's my archenemy David land Lord I have reblocked this twice already and every single time I cry laughing I've seen this post so many times and just now noticed the double and inland Lord that's great arriving at the club my girlfriend do you promise you won't turn into an inaccurate 1800s reconstruction of Iguanodon this time me I promise me three drinks later I'm at the doctor office and this baby keeps yelling I want dough now McDonald's and the Big Brother I assume said all the McDonald's burnt down there's no more McDonald's go ahead go to the pond since you wanna act like a silly goose I'm losing it pops from regular shell learned how to make memes WTF so I was feeling around in between the couch cushions trying to find something and I catch a grip on something so I pull it out and it's a knife you're lit freaking happened again sorry babe during Shrek's the plague masks stays on hum this post aged animal crossing players are like I hate Bill Whibley he's a and I want him off my Island he killed my family and burned my crops and then I look up Phil Whibley or whatever and he looks like of course Lincoln got shot he was six four and wearing a top hat in a theater if I was sitting behind him I'd shoot him too too soon it happened like twenty-eight years ago that's plenty of time you're off by a few years they're revolutionising care for serious mental illness sign me the Frick up I don't need any more friends because I have one very big friend here here's when an old post randomly starts getting a ton of notes i-23 mail gave my girlfriend 21 female my discord password and she used it to hack into my account to change my theme from dark theme to light theme the new age of civic crimes is here it was really funny she was like I wonder if I can remotely commit a crime and I was not concerned until suddenly my screen turned so bright my whole room lit up and a blinding flash of light killing me instantly anyways my favorite replies to this are the ones asking why I'm 23 meters tall and my girlfriend is 21 feet tall this business accepts Visa American Express MasterCard waffles open mouth kisses several bowls of soup pigeon hats secret Illuminati handshake compliments about the cashiers beard the head of that cave troll that keeps eating our children new forms of payment the year is 2022 you and your gang shootout Amazon delivery drones and sell their contents for a living is this a prompt or a prophecy today was the first time I did my laundry it did not go well [Music] this is what happens when you don't separate your colors and whites me in 70 years how many Elmo's must die I just burnt my hand on my lamp trying to turn it off lamps should not be hot enough to give you third-degree burns this is bullcrap maybe if you bill outside and use natural sunlight instead of running your lamp for 13 hours straight this wouldn't happen oh I'm sorry it's 3:30 8a and let me just wake out the Sun so I can sit outside with my skinless burned hand and bask in the glory of natural daylight at first she was just a follower of mine on Instagram and then we started dating a Cinderella story Sharpay Evans from fab to role model never forget that I wrote a fantastic six page research paper on how Sharpay Evans from High School Musical would make a good leader because everyone said there was no way I could do it [Music] sir could you just calm down for a second Hitler was human too of course he frickin was if he'd been a goat he would have been a lot less effective at propagating I will read long this forever let's remember that being human doesn't absolve you of your crimes it makes you accountable for them crap that's perfectly put thank you [Music] RUP Greg Gregory Craig Craig Laurie Ben Benjamin Gwen Gwen German Phil Philip Joe Gillette I feel like by Shrek shells and pan shrek shells should join forces to become fish shrek shoals i'm on mobile tumblr so it won't load but i swear to god if that shows Dean Winchester I'm going to cry oh these pies aren't homemade they were made in a factory a bomb factory they're bombs who the Frick thought up the plot for this episode man 24 fine for pretending to be a ghost by making one long noses and waving his arms about in cemetery and I would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling kids and your talking dog who remembers these because I just found a big box at work and now they're mine let's play with them in a pillow fort there's this rock at my uni that anyone can paint on whenever they want and this is what someone painted on it today and I know I'm typing in lower-case but I was legit freaking out when I saw it a sign from the heavens you know you're screwed when a missile is aimed toward you and it literally has your name on it irony man getting ready to go out he's got a hot date tonight NASA gone rogue sounds like they are stealing rockets and going to the moon illegally or something but no broke these days is a word that means posting real climate change facts that your president doesn't want you to know like if you support NASA posting real climate change facts that the orange dictator doesn't want you to know reblog if you support NASA stealing rockets and going to the moon illegally waiting for someone to come online as a painful process that was not that photo I was intending to use the world paints pictures every day you just have to look in the right places [Music] chunk of ice rounded off by river currents step here to trigger the boss battle with the river serpent god fun facts Nala is Latin for do not want so if someone says yalla you can say Nala and they'll think it's just a stupid comeback but in all actuality you're speaking Latin which is classy as crap so how are the jokes on them and it means you're embarrassing in Finnish so it's double joke on them the more you know ok so there was this one time I went to Walmart with a friend and someone just left their kid in the bull cage and it looked like Walmart was selling children paired with a bull for 5 bucks annoying wacky sidekicks who only exists to elevate the hero are out two equally moronic gusu both think of each other as the sidekick and themselves as the voice of reason when in fact they're a double helping of numbers are in two halves of a whole idiot is my favorite dynamic far over the Misty Mountains cold is literally just wolfish take me home country roads far over Misty Mountains cold to dungeons deep and caverns old West Virginia Don Bluth only knew how to draw one man but dang it he wasn't gonna let that stop him to be fair he knew how to draw two men I have got some rope up here but I do not think you would accept my help as I'm only waiting around to kill you that does put a damper on our relationship the dialogue in this movie was instrumental in shaping my sense of humor as a child in the movie American Psycho Christian Bale based the main character on a Letterman interview featuring Tom Cruise in 1999 when asked about the inspiration behind Patrick Bateman he replied Tom Cruise on David Letterman had this very intense friendliness with nothing behind the arms every day of my life I think about this fact every single day shrek is a cautionary tale about how dating ugly musty men because it's what on the inside that counts will make you ugly and musty as well thank you for coming to my TED talk facts only why the Frick am I seeing Shrek slander on my dashboard right now did any of you even watch the god dang films I can't believe this you guys don't deserve shrek freak you fiona was already an ogre and was trying to hide that part of herself because her parents told her to be ashamed but shrek helped her except that part of herself and become her true self unapologetically freak you Opie is Lord Farquaad dank he got with the in dragon stomach no more superhero no more star war get film back to its roots a train coming at the camera ran scaring me so so much mr. Sandman was playing in this gas station and the cashier and I both sang manlius and heard the same freakin time without hesitation sitting here wondering if the real reason everyone was avoiding the Cullens was cause a group of students who talked elder than they say they are and look like they're in their 20s are clearly Knox Edward mentions this to the others and Emmett and Alice just leaned into it for the rest of the school year Emmett says hello fellow kids on more than one occasion Alice stage whispers about wanting a wee differently she knew areolar they both pretend to speak into mix on their collars someone how are you today the hallucination of Edward Cullen that I keep around at all times why why is this so freakin funny plushie mushroom stools if i had a wrestling persona they would be part demon part pharmacist and their name would be DVS like CBS but pronounced devious and their catchphrase would be welcome to the Harma see what if we saved the planet haha just kidding and less why would a fly land on something like this rats should be ashamed for falling in this trap bears this is ridiculous Shrek's before marriage this must be fun this is the funniest crap I have ever seen in my life Catholics are out here memeing better than I ever could notable sugar man named Robert Phillips status deceased actors no occupation cell jingle-jangle to the galleys and sim northsiders as well this is still so freakin funny on riverdale wiki like why have a list of one never seen an episode of Riverdale in my life but I'm sitting here in complete agony over the phrase sold jingle jangle to the galleys I literally have no idea what this show could possibly be about at this point while stop Arizona how how you look in the rain go better get used to it go yeah Mike hey you're real cute man oh I know that was really awesome why are you shooting down my gang let er play a play yeah okay what do you play natty ball you learned a new emotion love shout out to that time I went to prison and Rasha taught me the meaning of love I want to drink the high raise minecraft shade of water slurp I don't have a brain actually my head is just filled with lots and lots of dried flowers anyone else here a fool a hooligan an oaf with a PhD in buffoonery feel like pure crap I just want to be silly with my friends at the grocery store again hi my name is Claire we are in the BA test kitchen and today we are making serotonin you should never look at a horse weight Kratt hang on never kick horse in the mouth please help me never kick horse in the mouth please help me it's gift never gift a horse in the mouth [Music]

Channel: Tumblr Reads

Views: 234,953

Rating: 4.9377103 out of 5

Keywords: tumblr, tumblr memes, dank memes, dank, memes, meme, funny, lol, comedy, humor, r/tumblr, best of tumblr, top tumblr posts, funny tumblr posts, hot tumblr posts, funniest tumblr posts, cowbelly, comment awards, tumblr reads, tumblr trophies, tumblr awards, text posts, tumblr posts

Id: p0AYRjzOh18

Length: 23min 31sec (1411 seconds)

Published: Fri May 22 2020