Norm Macdonald Collection on Letterman, Part 4 of 5: 1999-2000

our first guest is a very funny man with his own a brand new television program called the norm show it premieres a Wednesday on another network here's our good friend Norm Macdonald [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] in the show yeah good to see you didn't tell you something Norma I'm very happy for you because one or two times ago when you're on the show you had been fired you lost your job yeah Saturday Night Live on the weekend update' because those people didn't have the guts to stand by those people wouldn't know funny if it bit him in the ass yeah they of course we're hoping that they never hear from you again they were hoping of course if they had squashed out another career all right I thought okay that's it for him we don't have to worry about well I saw two shows that you did two of the norm show oh yeah I guess shows unbelievably funny oh yeah they're great show and I believe I believe I believe this thing is going to be a huge hit and then if and I don't want to tell you how to run your career but then just line up all those Punk's over there at NBC you know you're down oh my admires your Lorne Michaels you're a Skippy you belong Skippy Henderson yeah a Skippy love you just line up all those boys and tell them to kiss your ass well it was nice I was working like all the time so it's good like after the show I got to just you know I returned to my first love of doing nothing for a while and then I started on this and every that but it's not great it turned out alright I got a chance to just be vindication well I don't know who knows I think it'd do pretty well you're on right after the very popular a Drew Carey Show and then your show people dialing in to see you and lo and behold and you know by the way a lot of stuff on TV ain't that entertaining yeah they dial up your show and and the holy crap it's actually funny yeah well it's good yeah it's good that it's going on after the Drew Carey Show because a lot of people watch that right and then people they never turned channels that's right they don't it's inertia yeah yeah even with the closer they're in for a great surprise my congratulations I'm very happy yeah yeah is he at the time at the time I think I was more upset than you were and now now that you're back on top I feel like I'm happier than you are I feel like I care more about your career than you do is that possible well I like most I like watching TV if you like watching TV I had your hands full last night with the Academy Award you had 4 hours there did you see any of that I watched it all I don't know the movies this year you know their nominees yeah no no I didn't see the only movie I saw was the life is beautiful movie Oh Roberto because I love Roberto Benigni the Entertainer yeah but I've never seen him in a movie the only time I've ever seen it was on your showing his that was real funny yeah and so I went to that show that movie was in life is beautiful and I tell you something about that movie it's it might be a great movie nothing but it's got a huge drawback none of the characters speak English for me a person who only the only language I understand in English I'm screwed I'm like that and the title is English they fool you know yeah oh yeah life is beautiful those are howling three English words there you go so I wouldn't a gun if it was like I'm on a dime or de morte yeah [Laughter] after the Italian word I know yeah so and then I get in there so it's all these dudes speaking Italian you know and I'm trying it and so what they do is they put words you know subtitles titles yeah so now I'm you know now I have to read which is the reason I go to movies I want to read you know you know I knowing it is when you're reading and somebody's reading over your shoulder well that's like 200 people reading over your shoulder he's a funny guy yeah he pretended the the whole unpleasantness there in Europe was a joke yeah yeah he was a kid he has a little ten-year-old child and they go to a Nazi concentration camp and his kids not that bright so he just pretends that to the kid like you'll see like crazy like Nazis doing it and then Roberto Benigni gets behind them ago so the kid thinks it's a big joke let's move on anyway you're living in Los Angeles now where you do your hit TV show yeah yeah I don't like Los Angeles you Canadian right up you had a Toronto Area answer on oh yeah come down here to New York come to New York and Toronto in New York is great because they have cabs and subways does I don't know how to drive a car you know you don't drive it all yeah I never learned how really yeah why well I don't like them I find them dangerous you know like your drive and you're in a car and you're going like 70 and then another car comes he's going seven right and then there's like a foot between you you know and they're honking ah they're honking and then who knows what good it's only a foot you know they move a little bit and there's a crash and you're always seeing crashes every time you drive there's a crash there's a big twisted wreckage of a crash and nobody seems to care they're like oh I guess I'll be late for work you know like imagine you're in a plane and you're flying and you look out there's some plane wreckage on a mountain a plane comes beside you like 10 feet eyes honking that sky rage but now you're living in Los Angeles where it sits nearly essential to be able to drive yeah yeah it's really everything far apart from each other what do you do I got I bought myself a bicycle I don't know how to drive a bicycle either but I'm a bicycle you can just go on the sidewalk so you're the most dangerous you know and so I go to the bike store I don't know and the guys tell me hey yeah all these bikes you know there's all this technical mountain bike I'm not gonna be that mountain right I'm just gonna be on the road the sidewalks so I he goes what kind of bike you're looking for us that I wanted I said I don't know I think I'd like a red bike so he sells me just one and it's very complicated nowadays that you gotta get a lock you know in the locks they aren't like the old days just to south they're hard you goes hard lock that you have to it's you know because he says you guys stay we always got to stay ahead of the bike bike thieves nobody this bike lock was impossible combination gonna do you had to go around the thing and like twist it up anyways so so I Drive on my bike to get some groceries over Ralph C and you shopping Ralph's oh wow this is the best nicely oh yeah if you like apples yeah oh yeah I do produce some good produce yeah best apples man so so a lot of specials there they have like the everyday low prices you know so I get my bicycle to the Ralph's place you know and I try to get this damn lock on it doesn't work I can't figure it out around like that so I figured it myself I figure I'll just leave it here unlocked right in front of Ralph yeah because I figure what's the odds of my unlocked bicycle and a dirty Bicycle Thief showing up at the same yeah right yeah you're not gonna be in there all day yeah it's like five minutes buy some cookies and some you know an apple so I get my groceries out you know I bought a lot of groceries you know I bought a whole bunch of groceries and I get out my bicycle is gone no yeah some dirty bicycle thief has stolen it now oh my god yeah that's unbelievable yeah terrible luck yeah it's just a happenstance yeah so there's a security guy there you know the Ralph's security guy I run up to him I say hey man did you see somebody steal a bike and the guy goes no he says I saw somebody just get on a bike and ride away he goes was it locked oh of course it was locked you know I realize I'm holding the line right there we'll be right back here with Norm Macdonald [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] I tell you right now I I wish the norm show that's what they call it the new norm sure I wish that was gonna be on the CBS network instead of the ABC network yeah because CBS needs all the help we can get ABC is fine they got they got Barbara Walters yeah and whenever things start to sag over there so this you'll interview Oprah and so they don't need they don't need any help we need a blockbuster smash comedy hit that's right so this would be Rachel you guys love that this would be the perfect companion piece to Everybody Loves Raymond yeah everybody loves normal what kind of a kid were you when your kid yeah guys growing up all right but I want to talk about the show the norm show because I have to do this you know tell the people what it's about because I have to you know promote it yeah I'm not comfortable in promoting I only have to promote the first one and everything takes care of a crap so it's about me I play a dude named norm right that was my idea so I'm a guy I got kicked out of the NHL for gambling and then I have to community service as a social worker you know and I hate it I don't like being a social worker so that sounds pretty funny right I enjoyed I see I've seen the first two shows and it made me laugh out well yeah see the problem is Dave I'm not a great like promoter you know like my managers always saying I got to get out there and like promote and I'm not comfortable with that it's just you know talk and tell stupid stories and everything like that so I was thinking you know like since my managers always oh you got to promote it I was thinking that maybe he could come out just promote it himself because you know I understand you have a manager yeah I got a manager I had to because I only had an agent and he was no good then this is a guy so you gotta get a manager you gotta get a manager and so they said you know maybe micro visas all these guys but I I picked this this dude that he's my manager and I thought maybe I could bring out him and he can like promote the show you talking I'm not talking about here now are ya you see right now [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] put the see in comedy Fidel and lemony his Norm Macdonald is our short on Wednesday night 9:30 on ABC I'm excited Norm Macdonald y'all on a great David Letterman Wow oh yes yes yeah Don shouldn't you be out fixing fights boxing business now they didn't want me there some here wouldn't know enormous Joe gonna be great yes that's not predicted about this man sitting here years ago that he would be global in the soup done what happened that Lennox Lewis thing well let me tell you something with that Lennox Lewis thing if you fix a fight you do not go to the judges am i right let me tell you something though down-and-out fairness you know we have it's gonna be tough we have stiff competition here in Sudan we're up against we're up against 60 minutes to which is a very you know minutes 60 minutes [Applause] and you know what makes our country so great is he's the Canadian but we welcome him here because this is America the greatest nation in the world [Applause] we have also on the show is Laurie Metcalf is she's damn good and your heart is so big that you steps down your hep another guide is struggling and bring him into the forefront thrust him out there and to the light and he's doing his job you to be committed thank you done a standing eight count or something business with Don yeah my career is going excellent he really is a great man [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] that statue was that guy in the statute that George Washington statue what statue are we looking at Roberto Benigni he's not George Washington in it am I wrong it is sure oh it's gone yeah a federal Hall is what it is great yeah Don King is familiar with that part of town Oh Joe don't you always see Don on the six o'clock news coming out of that bath that's fine there's about eight guys our next guest is a funny man and the star of his own popular television show entitled norm it premieres tomorrow night here is the always enjoyable Norm Macdonald [Music] you look terrific what that's a beautiful suit you look like a million dollars oh yeah I bought a suit I got one for show the respect you know I appreciate that show the respect to me here show the respect that's very thoughtful that was your summerwine hand good it was great it was a lot of fun I went I have a little boy you know how old's your son he's six years old oh that's great I want to say six and he's that you know we play and staff what do you do what kind of thing I took him to Disney World well there you go ahead and Florida you ever go there I've never been there oh you don't have you're barren not barren but you possibly have children you don't have children I don't have any currently now so but I got to tell you man if you ever have kids I hope yeah then you should take have you been talking to somebody at the lab door [Laughter] named Timmy little Dylan little Dylan a name for Bob Dylan yeah I named him for Bob Dylan and I thought hey man nobody's gonna be named Dylan that's a cool name because when I was a kid I was read Dylan Thomas Dylan Thomas such a child's Christmas and Wagner and so I said hey that nobody I'll have that name and then everybody has that name because they had that kid on a nine or two one oh this is too long right you know after that discussion of my fertility I don't much care boy he's a good well-behaved boy and I took him to Disney World there we had a lot of fun I got I went to the thing that you know usually they have the goofy Pluto you know the regular characters but they also have actual animals in a safari park oh yeah wild dangerous jungle beasts yeah take your child through and you see and it's a lot of fun except they don't tell you that they're not wearing any pants you know like Goofy and Pluto right what are you talking about goofy in the world are you talking about when you see Mickey Mouse Mickey Mouse is a cartoon character it's got some track always has pants on that's right right well the dangerous lion and elephant right have no because those are real actual living beings right they're not animated cartoon Care Act but I'm a living being I don't want my child to see my you know thing yeah that's what I'm saying I don't want my child it's fine for you clearly different species norm of completely different species whole different deal my friend not offended by it myself but children ask questions and you have they go what's that thing there between the elephant a big giant god-awful looking thing [Applause] sounds like you have a very special child nor no maybe you find it very attractive it's just I don't see it as a problem it's just like it's a it's a rhinoceros Eddie it's just a rhinoceros is the thing that I just say it's it's as if some it's his wallet its whirring KITT that's how it keeps us happy some change in a comb yeah maybe if you had a few more dollars in your wallet you never kid [Applause] because I hear guys try to make it yeah you join up a goat I bet you will have a nice kid one day great that'd be fun I'd like to have a cup Diego beans are just like you yeah where were we now you you and your son are there in Disneyworld had a lot of fun we got you know you get they actually these animals like Mickey Mouse little and stuff my kid loves them they give autographs out you know the kids stand in line for like I mean they're the costumed characters yeah not the not the riot or animals yeah and so you know you get the the kids are all excited hey I'm getting a Mickey Mouse's autograph of course you and I know that ain't Mickey Mouse that's some college do you know yeah well you know I'm not gonna stand in line in an hour to get some dudes out of it I said listen Dylan have you ever heard of the character parking lot attendant pretty good get him in the car get it home yeah yeah yeah how's the show are y'all excited about the premiere uh what do you what do you got coming up for us what's new what's happening on the show you get a look you gotta have a gimmick my friend yeah yeah we're trying to get my the guy I'm doing it with you know he's the co-creator this dude he said we got to get celebrities you know be guest stars guest celebrities yeah a lot of the shows have celebrities like I saw Dharma and Greg was on your show last night Bob Dylan gonna be on that's right exactly and you know Heidi Klum's on another show so anyways they said let's get some celebrities good idea yeah and then it turned out they wanted me to phone celebrities I said you have any celebrity friends you could follow yeah is that make you feel kind of wormy when you have to place that call I hate ya because I know they don't want to hear from I got one guy oh really well that's good so you're doing better than I would you know that guy that was mods husband played mods husband yeah bill mason bill me she exactly yeah so bill Macy eats at this restaurant yeah he's across the way so I wasn't man you want to be on that TV show I have sweet I think we're doing that and sweeps once bill Macy dozen other guys want to jump oh yeah yeah it'll start a firestorm the show change the name it's no longer the norm show it's not just norm did we cover that before yeah change it to norm yeah it's not the norm show no that happened there I don't know they figured that would rev things up oh yeah I think so you know they take out the it's like for love of game that movie love of game they took the actual expressions for the love of the game right they took the does out to speed things that go that's a great story you hate me now because it's definitely your testicles I couldn't be more flattered when guests come on the show and discuss my testicles it's one of my favorite thing it's certainly not discussed at home I'll be right now I'll be a good man next time I always like to show you the respect you're my favorite guy whatever with the suit to show me the respect ya [ __ ] what are you trying to pull here no we're just kidding no I'm very much I feel bad [Applause] [Music] [Applause] good evening folks and welcome back everybody I'm Tom and the Late Show is on the air now the Late Show backstage from CBS television city in Los Angeles California I haven't been back to CBS since I left the Late Late Show back in March of 1999 I am especially pleased to be asked to come back in here and help out with the work while my friend David Letterman recovers from quintuple bypass surgery very very surprising news when we learned that Dave had to go through that procedure but he's coming back soon as a matter of fact he'll be on the air live here our live on tape here on CBS on Monday night the 21st an event that will be I'm sure heavily promoted by the television network my my first guest tonight is a favorite of yours and a favorite of Dave Letterman's he's been on Dave's show a number of times I'm sure you know him from his work on Weekend Update on Saturday Night Live and he's now the star of the norm show on the ABC ABC television you see I still can't talk which is why I'm not on anymore the ABC television network his name is norm macdonald and thank you for coming on and helping out with the work here while dave is getting better yeah well that's the important thing is that Dave gets better you know all right that is the important thing notable bypass which my kind of close to me cuz my dad had a quintuple bypass is that right had the same surgery you know we were he lived like another 10 days after yeah you should have been finished you know but he was an older man he was like in his 50s I would assume that when they were trying to come up with a title for the show at ABC somebody said why don't we just call it norm right no that's not a true story oh it isn't how did that happen they wanted to have me called a character a color name of Billy yeah yeah but things quickly became problematic with that because during the scenes whenever a person would say to me hey Billy I would go ah they go Billy Billy there you go oh yeah Billy right right yeah yeah Billy and I was getting quite fit for you right now because your name's not if my name is now Billy's anymore right so says the guy says one names the same as the next right you know what I mean norm Billy yeah all right they are really the same when we really get down to it let me ask you here and I saw this and you were never funnier when you hosted the show here recently you know oh yeah you were very very funny as you said at the time if I wasn't funny then how could I be funny now right and then you went on to demonstrate in any event the first night that you went when you walk back in to do that show what was it like going back into 30 rock well it was it was kind of and I'd taken a lot of the pills xanax I don't know why you did you call the Letterman Show because you announced on Dave show or you you told the public that you were no longer with Saturday Night Live I was booked on the Letterman Show the next night right the next night if you say so yeah yeah and and so I said oh well I may as well talk about I just talk about what's going on in my life because I find that truth is funnier and stranger than fiction so you went on there and told that story and then Dave was kidding you about Don ohlmeyer etcetera etcetera right Dave was much more upset about it than me because Dave wasn't under the influence of zanuck please welcome Norm Macdonald armed [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] how you doing yeah that's right I'm I'm just slow that's okay happy new year but yeah thank you very much for being here yeah you don't mind if I ask you a question once out here today I hear this story and as it's like this press release you get your ass fired is that yeah no you didn't get fired yeah they fired all they didn't fire you no I'm serious I got I talked to a guy that said I'm fired fired from your television job from on the weekend you know I do the news the weekend update' and I do the jokes there sometimes many times the best part of the show yeah it's all a matter of opinion that's your opinion yes my opinion yeah but then the guys that can fire me that's not their opinion now why would they fire you well I've fired your first of all let's get some names here let's get this on the record well I don't know the guys like is the guys that work whether I Lauren Michaels instead Lauren Michaels fired no he did he didn't fire me right he likes me and stuff well he it's a show isn't it I I thought it was a show yeah but now can a guy come in from the outside in for you so what's the ABC fired you know there MVC what happens is your work on the show and then there's these guys that hang out like in the hall yeah we got them here and they're called executives at NBC executives right and I'd see him I didn't know who they were what they did you know now I know what they do they fire me for Weekend Update but they they they said that this guy Don ohlmeyer turns out to be the president yeah now I know Don ohlmeyer that's between you and me is an idiot Oh so I wouldn't take it seriously if this guy fired you you may still have a job you never know I'd wait for some paperwork I phoned him you know oh yeah a phone you had to phone him to pick up your messages from gut oh man I said hey you know what to say you're like hey how's it going there you know you're trying to talk about something now did you have a turkey there for the thing or whatever and then that so he goes oh yeah I'm firing you there from the show and then I I said oh that's not good I said why is that now and he goes oh you're not you know you're not funny yeah and then I said I said Oh Lord that's even worse news you know no I got nothing to fall back on [Applause] what is wrong with you you Quisling stop that I don't know to me like you know you have to be philosophical about these things I mean at first like when I found out you know I was upset but then you know I I really started I started to think about it you know and plus I drank a lot of whiskey but then the next day I sobered up and I remembered you know that I still had some whiskey labs and one of the things that you did on Saturday Night Live was the was the Letterman impression did you have to clear that in any way or check it out well not legally no but I mean just as just as a courtesy you know yeah I told him yeah I won't do it if you know I'm gonna do it ya know cuz I have like great respect for him I didn't want to do it in any way insulting so I just tried to do an exact impression with no comment on it you know what I mean and then let him inform me and he said he was okay with it you know oh good yeah yeah so I felt better about that you say you did three or four I'm not familiar with the others that you do I do the Bob Dole oh right right yeah yeah yeah Slim Pickens yeah yeah I like the Bob Dole now did did Dole take umbrage at all what do you think he ever got upset with it no no he loved it he used to phone me and stuff and he always wanted to come on the show he came on the show at the end and everything yeah cuz I like Tim to I can only do impressions of guys I really like wouldn't you love to ask Dole like when he was doing the commercial for commercial for what they now call erectile dysfunction yeah and I mean how do you feel when you sit down and do that kind of a commercial I mean I'd be a little man should have erectile function did you ever worry ever like a bonehead you ever do punk stuff when you were a kid when I was young I was crazy like I'd do anything you know really yeah it's just like cuz you're young you don't care you know you don't have a job or anything right just drifting around from town to town there were one time like cause I used to do like I used to do you know like for the purposes of this show like beer you know a little bigger yeah so I was like ripped out of my mind on this beer it was like it was like that beer that where you'd like hallucinate where you had so much beer yeah that's a really good beer and and so I remember I went to this place is this place that in Canada called Ottawa yeah it's a capital it's the capital a planet and so they had this thing every year it's called the Panda game right it's panda panda like yeah yeah and so but they just call that's none new panic so so it's the University of Ottawa versus Carleton University it's the two universities and they play a game against this rivalry that's it yeah and so everybody goes and gets parties up it has and they do they drink and they do beer and then they do some more beer and everything you know and uh and sometimes they mix the beer with the beer oh no very careful so I went to this thing and then the thing about the Panda game is it's just a big party and every year somebody does something crazy you know like the engineering students from one of the things like one time they put a bunch of grease pigs on the feet be spillage pranks yeah College pranks one one year they made a big slingshot giant one and they shot like water balloons over to the other side to hit and so every year everybody wonders hey I wonder what with what's gonna be the big prank so then I was there I was really wrecked you know I was like this up in my head right I go I'm gonna figure out the prank to do I'm gonna be that guy you know and so I'm walking around I'm no good at pranks you know I'm walking around the state and I'm trying to thinking I see it you know they sell the hot dogs the hot dogs - yeah there's a big like mustard thing where you push on your stomach pump those big yellow things and you push on the top to get some for your delicious hot dog yeah master yeah oh my god I'll grab this this hottest hot dog mustard thing and so I grabbed it nothing like walking away and I get back to my seat and I go my idea was I'll Chuck this giant mustard thing onto the field and then it will cause a big mustard stain on the football field oh that would be really cool because mustard is hard to get at and so I get there you know but I'm really wreck and I get there and I go huh and plus I was way up like way no superhuman strength to get that superhuman strand so I take up the bus and I go ah throw the mustard up right and then the mustard just goes up a little way and then I see like the top like starts spinning off yeah I think there's mustard all comes out and then I just see all these guys like right in front of me and then so my buddy goes run run run for your life [Applause] Norman you had a couple of beers before the show district this weekend on Saturday Night Live Rob Lowe and the Spice Girls Plus Joe Pesci now got a couple of seconds go ahead do it let me see it I gotta do it Bob all right do a little yeah my son play nice oh not so easy when I'm sitting right here is it big shot [Applause] here we go that's like who's gonna be the I don't know Rob Lowe Rob Lowe and Spice Girls ah yeah Paul laughs right Rob Lowe and the Spice Girls being here do you enjoy them you enjoy the Spice Girls fault thanks very much Spice Girls yeah yeah yeah well they'll be on the show you you you watch the Saturnalia oh yeah yeah yeah yeah where were times that are now bar okay one time another yard it's like yeah [Applause] now when he put you on the spot like that you know to do the impression right in front of the man yeah it's gotta be a little scary huh yeah it was very scary and because I had just done it on Saturday Night Live the week before and when I came on I was sure I said Dave's gonna ask me this question so everybody that works at the Letterman Show they all know Dave yeah you know so like I know Dave he won't ask you all right so it turns out they don't know today is the casual viewer turns out no I'm better when you're not working what is norm like to do what do I like to do I like to I like to travel Tom I heard you didn't well for the purposes that I didn't know I actually like to drink but this wraparound we are backstage and it is a wraparound yeah that ID tag about the travel thing cuz soon we'll be seeing a clip of that is that right me talking about drown is there is there a mode of travel that you prefer of flying versus trains driving versus I like I like to drive a car I I mean I like to fly a plane I do not like to drive a car because flying is very safe whereas driving is extremely dangerous you know driving a car true true statistically at least what you say is true and just from your eyes anecdotally if you're driving a lot Hey what do you see a giant crash right of a car you never fly a plane you never see wreckage on a mountain or anything like that you see constantly car accidents and yet you think that could never happen to me unless I was here a minute and a half earlier that's right but but you and you're in your own way of looking at things have determined that driving is not safe and therefore you I don't drive you don't drive it all I don't drive now I don't know how to drive and I will never drive into how did you get here today oh yes well I I ride you had some time off have you taken some vacation have you gone and worked right yeah yeah I went I wanted to get away from how the showbiz crazy showbiz yeah so I decided I'd go on a vacation you know and I like to go to hotels because all my years of doing my nightclub act i we i don't like hotel so I decided I'll go you know my buddy tells me goes hey you should go in a bed-and-breakfast every hotel sure yeah the idea is you go there it's a guy's house and you live in his room and then he makes some breakfast right yeah so I I looked one up on the internet there and I found one I went to Vancouver Island Victoria which is beautiful whoa guys God's little country and so I go there and I look up my place where I'm supposed to go I have a little piece of paper and I knock on the door right there's no answer so I knock again there's still no answer it's a fine I look like in the window there and there's no old man sleeping on a couch you know so I bang on the door right in the doorbell you know it's a fine light here like I keep your pants on there you know pretty inside and he comes to the door old guy you know but I'd say 80 85 years old old Harold Delaney was this Harold Delaney yeah nice enough gentleman you know and so I got in there and that says well I've gotta go to sleep there's no one else there I'd be like a whole bunch of people in different rooms you know yeah and it's just me so I grew up and I I go to sleep and I'm ready to go to sleep and I knock comes on the door right knock on the my bedroom door right so I figure uh-oh Oh Harold Delaney wants to have sex with me [Music] that's the first thought that went through your mind traveling alone and of course as now I didn't come to Victoria to have sex with old Harold the Lance now I can to do some sightseeing of course then I hear you're at a place of a Scrabble yeah so I say okay that's good I play some Scrabble so I go down and he pulls out the scroll Scrabble game there and we start to play you know I like Scrabble you know so I get the first turn you know because I picked the lower letter and so I get first turn so I make rabbit yeah pretty good it's a good word and then and then I do it I do it pretty quick I take like a couple of minutes and then old Harold Delaney he takes like a half-hour like beginners word and the whole time he's not talking that telling me whole story I like hearing all stories you know and instead it was like for a half hours is Harold Delaney go so then after a half an hour that you know I'm just sitting there he comes up with his word it's a hat so he puts it and he takes the word hat and then he puts it like way in the corner on that triple letter score all right the triple word the red one you want to get to yeah sure but you can't just put it the hill noise got some relation to rabbit yeah you gotta move up there yeah and finally gets in there but instead he just puts it right there that's my turn you know I do something and quickly and then again the same thing like you know time going by and then every word II and I was kind of with good words you know I had a sleigh sleigh ride and avocado ooh there's a seven letter word you have 50 extra points I'm still way behind I'm like I gotta say something sure so he and all his words were like Cup and I think it was just like things he'd see around me I'm playing excellently I should be in the lead but instead I'm points behind and finally like I gotta say something you know so he puts a boot you know up on this triple and it really annoyed me because I was building towards your triple letter and he just puts boot and I said if I I gotta say something here and I go hey old Harold Delaney there no there were no blanks you know the blanks of the game is always good you any lies there's no blanks in this game and I figured old Harold Delaney must have when he got the game figured that the hell is that you know all afternoon as we do this you've been playing on the off with a cigarette did you do smoke I quit smoking a year ago good for you thank you you quit smoking yeah and you and you smoke at the tomorrow show we puffed we didn't smoke we puff you probably caused many children to start smokers so you hold a cigarette and you never might it yes it helps me I have an oral fixation the doctors tell me I'm like Beretta is really funny things ever sigh on your show when Robert Blake came on and told that huge bull story we get it about six times as a matter of fact yeah alright folks I hold in my right hand tonight's top ten list how the classic top ten list yeah now Don Rick Don Rickles joins us shortly here on tonight's show you know Don you work with Don he did a movie with God on slip of the tongue and he was sterile he's my favorite guys so funny and we did this long take in the movie where because we hadn't really written that much we figured we getting down Rickles you know wing it don't move your way through it help us with the film so he started just insulting everybody but then he starting to run out and at one point I was standing beside this other guy a fat guy and he goes up to sometimes he just says stuff that makes no sense right and he goes after the guy beside men he goes look at you you look like a like a whale in Alaska you know so that was a good thing and then he comes up to me and he's completely out you can see in his eyes you can't think of any I guess looking look at you why don't you go to what do you go to Alaska suck a whale [Laughter] we're back with Norm Macdonald and I'm sure you're enjoying every hour of our time together Richard Simmons was to have been here tonight but Richard is out helping people lose weight and and that in the Dakotas tonight so well he couldn't be here do you do you work out yourself or you an exercise person yeah I got one thing I got the abs of steel oh you do really no I don't have them I got a tape or why they're call that all right you need anything like how are your abs yeah there's like steel and you go to work I don't know why you do you just show people I don't know what you're doing them you know they used to have the buns of steel with the ladies oh yeah right right that would hurt and the what was what was the one Suzanne Somers at the ThighMaster the ThighMaster yeah it was that your nickname for your not at all but I you know I just wonder how you come on and you say you say ladies and gentlemen I'd like you to buy a product called the fine master yeah the guys who sat around a meeting table and said we'll call it the fine master yeah they have the ass mask now is your name the same cable kid very funny stuff when he when he goes out Letterman with with people you know and how about the time when I was in door-to-door salesmen did you really what yourself doors what other jobs have you have you had besides actor and comedian I was a town drunk village idiot no but I could be serious for a second did you ever wait table or drive a cab or something like that I did I don't drive but a ride cab I did a lot of manual labor did all manual really yeah like brick work brick work I did yeah making all this up as we go or no that whole thing that we showed about the Scrabble game you made that whole thing imagine that was a that was true truth is stranger than fiction I said trying to tell you that have you heavy lifting I did a lot of heavy lifting I did I move furniture that's a hard job nice furniture because because the the stairs are never right for the for the the contours of the giant couch that you have to lift up but people that I worked with man they loved lifts and furniture yep at one time one time there's an interesting story time it's probably too long but I was working with an old guy you know old guy his name was Gus and we had to move this thing up a ladder see to to to a balcony because we couldn't get it up the twisting spiral stair okay okay so we have to go outside and and put a ladder up so old Gus he's on the balcony you understand yep with a rope holding this giant refrigerant abs of steel and a heavy steel I'm on the bottom climbing up the ladder pushing the the refrigerator refrigerator I slip off the ladder and fall down an old Gus has the entire weight of the refrig and I'll his muscle to shooting out he wouldn't let go you know abs of steel and the stem that was a good story no it's a great story we're here with Norm Macdonald if I said that before tonight yeah any good wishes for day before we move on here yeah best wishes man the sincerity just flows off of you I love you I'm glad to see you back on TV you kept saying when you were leaving that one day you'd be back and the world and in the way truth is stranger than fiction gave returns on Monday night Don Rickles is still ahead and our thanks to Norm Macdonald for joining us here tonight Late Show backstage at CBS TV City and Los Angeles continued success on the norm shark is there and continued success in in your life thank you very much my pleasure sir see it the dog bye see you at the dog park [Applause] [Music] [Applause] my next guest is a very funny man and the star of the popular television program norm ladies gentlemen here's our good friend and Norm Macdonald North [Applause] yeah you said to me when you came out and I appreciate he said hey it nice to see a man and then you looked at me and he said you look great but the look in your eye I could tell you didn't mean it no do I look bad do I look like I'm fading here no I felt weird saying you look great always means like it sounds compared to being dead it's what you were thinking right actually when I saw you on Monday because they were Pro mowing it all day but they never showed you right in the promos yeah snicker yeah yeah I said wonder what Dave's gonna look like I was watching with my buddy and then you come out and your face look like green green and then I said oh my god Dave's face turned green the turn light pink whoo and then I realize it was my TV it wasn't it you thought maybe it was a side-effect of the surgery at first no I knew that people don't turn green pink green grip being pink yeah but I thought red at first you were green I said oh my god so anyways that I'm gonna get my TV fixed which is a lot better than you know when you think about it yeah well easier probably do you I I heard something that I thought was interesting and I get nervous I'm just I get nervous around sick people I've been I've been through a brother friend newest procedure I'm not oh my god I know I know about that stuff I go to doctors all the time you do really yeah I'm like you're in pretty good shape well I'm afraid of getting sick them and I'm afraid of that stuff yeah you know cuz I uh I go to specialist I go to the Mayo Clinic ever oh yeah they're pretty good up there great you have some top boys yeah cuz I used to go to General Practitioners GPS yeah those guys suck I don't even understand what their general they know they're not a specialist in anything so they're kinda like yeah I'm a little bit good at every night so I go give me a physical you know what they do they go like this they poke around my belly you know I mean and then they take a thing they look at my ear with a light right there I go is everything all right there in my head my entire head's good huh you can see the entire then they take the thing it's almost like a cartoon that like they hit my knee with it or their reflex yeah let's sure yeah so and that never comes back negative you know I mean yeah we're hooked sometimes it might but you're hooked up pretty good now they go you're not good news you're not paralyzed from the neck down yeah your knee responds to me hitting it with a hammer [Applause] I heard like that god I've done he's just resting no I want to ask you a question about your personal life and if it's none of my business please tell me now I heard that you had given up you had a recreation you had a hobby a gambling you enjoyed gambling yeah I had the hobby of compulsive gambling really and you've given it up yeah good for you that's a big step yeah so it how's that going it's it's not much fun life isn't much fun without it really no it's not a lot of fun because there's nothing to do I don't watch games anymore because I used to bet on the games is very exciting I don't go to last week the thing about it is you start feeling like a big jackass you know and then they think they're fooling you like you go to casinos right sure and they're friendly to you like the bigger jackass you are the more friendly they are you know you're in trouble when a guy runs that wants to give you free stuff hey you want a steak all right free to keep you gambling is what it is yeah you want to stay here in the hotel like for free for a week you're like no I'm just here for the day yeah no seriously and I got some steak did you did you did you did you ever win really really big I don't know much about gambling I don't know much about this compulsion so did you ever win big is that the point or is it just the the action I don't know I went to a psychiatrist you ever go to those guys yeah sure those guys are horrible well are they worse than the GPS they're much work I'll tell you what I said kya just does man they they make you like get in touch with the emotions that you spend your life trying to avoid at all she was trying to she was like what are you doing I'm like hey man hey you know everything's fine she's like no but boy yeah oh the sudden I'm like all emotion like you on Monday night where you were emotional you were yeah and a guy's like not a regularly emotional guy like you right and then they are emotional right it's like it's like watching Nixon cry when you brought the doctors out right and all that and the staff and all I could think of is at that hospital what about the people that come in might help I felt bad about the guy they left on the table yeah good to have you back I've been having to watch Rhoda on the channel now when we come back I want you to tell the story every time you've been here we didn't have time to get to the story the first time you got drunk okay will do I'll be right back [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] Norm Macdonald it's a great story and we always run out of time and I want you to tell ahead you were a kid writing this one last time you were you'd get drunk when I got drunk yeah I was a very straight-laced kid you know how old were you when herself I was 18 19 years old and I just sat I decided to drink you know and I was out with my buddies at a bar my god we started drinking they had those as shooters you know mm-hmm yeah those are hard to take you know you can't you can't gauge them you know and before you knew it I was so crazily drunk like just drunk out of my mind and so then time passes in a weird way and my friends they wanted to leave the bar and I'm making friends with everybody man there was a fat guy with a beard you know and there was a jukebox it's like a western movie I mean and there's a bartender there's all kinds of ladies and everything like that and everybody's my friend so I'm getting drunker and drunker with these shots you know and they're all crazy dirty sex name shots you know oh yeah yeah have a Dirty Sexy so I get all drunk and then I go into the bathroom and a dude gives me some pills yes in pillow and you're not supposed to ever mix pills with booze there right yeah and then any doctor told you up at the Mayo Clinic yeah but this guy was not a doctor he was just a guy I met in the bathroom even worse than a GP he was worse than a GP his name no his name though is dr. midnight is not a doctor you know yeah so anyways so I take these pills and what they do is they say that you're not supposed to mix them but on the other hand it in one way it works so I'm like so drunk now I'm having so much fun and everything hey if that bearded guy having an arm wrestle with them I don't know then all of a sudden I go to I'm playing pool I go to shooting a pool I fall down right now the pool balls and then I do blackout what's called blacking out it's not passing out like you don't don't remember anything oh yeah Brooke I wake up right I'm in a bed but it's not my bed you know and I look beside me who do I see the fat bearded guy well I go holy Lord got ahead I had sex with the fat guy at this point in my life I was a young man I had never had intercourse my life right and I know it was imaginative but I never imagined it that way I imagined a nice lady in a dress that's right oh my god then I notice we're in twin beds there you know we're not like not in the same bed and I go is this some kind of one of them old-fashioned gay guys gay guys are generally not old fashioned they're right on top of the latest thing on top of the latest there are so ahead of things they have sex and they don't even use a lady so anyway the upshot of the story is what happened is I never had sex with this fat guy with a beard this guy had checked me into a rehab this guy was like a dirty drunk and he took me for a dirty drunk dinner yeah so I'm like what the hell this is a man no go here and Rehab man it's good for both of us right yeah I got so I had a big like a robe on and fluffy slippers wouldn't give me my clothes well how long were you a bag of my clothes I'm where they wouldn't tell me why would they let you out yeah three days I had his three days they made me go to an what's called an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting right and I get up I go hey I'm not an alcoholic which it turns out is what a lot of alcohol how long did you guys date ladies gentlemen it's Norm Macdonald [Applause] [Music] you know you don't know him what I like about you you're actually funny we want to be you're just genuinely fryer now everything you say Thanks MacDonald and John the goodman monday drew carey will be here in Dolly Parton and I will be back Monday for the big program have a great weekend Craig Kilborn is next good night everybody [Music] the blade shows a production of worldwide pants incorporated this is Alan copper saying good night at drive safely [Applause] cup your pants

Channel: Don Giller

Views: 828,019

Rating: 4.7336683 out of 5

Keywords: Norm Macdonald, Don King, Tom Snyder

Id: 8ZClGJ917uM

Length: 66min 3sec (3963 seconds)

Published: Sat Nov 23 2019