Norm Macdonald Collection on Letterman, Part 2 of 5: 1996-97

[Music] [Applause] it sucks I gotta tell you that's some of the best klezmer we've ever had on the show and the only I just quickly would like to mention those wonderful musicians are members of four groups brave old world cappella the cosmedix and the klezmer conservatory band so thank you thank you and what do we what should we know about klezmer what does it mean what is it well class marries as close as Jewish soul music Jewish soul viola and klezmer actually means instrument of song and so people we go and would have their various instruments at we just play for weddings and and of course as you could hear you know you would have to like very long weddings you could dance like seven days with kind of music like that perfect note your snowbound here in the theater it's great to see you again happy 1996 ladies whenever you want to come in and play anything anything's welcome yes sir my thanks also to sam neill and her correspondent from ohio on the street Tim Barn Horse bar Horst I'm sorry now we're told that Norm Macdonald because of the storm he's a snowed in and could not be here tonight so when norm gets himself dug out we'll have him on the show at his earliest possible convenience but Norm Macdonald apparently a victim of the storm of 1996 tomorrow ladies and gentlemen Pauly Shore will be here for the entire hour I was at Pauly Shore gets through a Norma countless snowed-in room I don't know do me a favor not now stay tuned for Tom Schneider on The Late Late Show and by the way today is Tom's first anniversary of being on the air here at CBS with the Late Late Show congratulations to Tom and his entire staff we'll see you tomorrow night enjoy the snow good night everybody [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] ok ladies and gentlemen damn the luck we're out of time I want to thank Pauly Shore for being here and of course all the joke-telling kids actually Jed by the way how about a nice welcome for us I'm sure I'm terribly sorry we've run out of time and I'm would ask you to come back another and we'll talk about you and your life and your family and the motion picture heat with Al Pacino's and Robert De Niro yes but thank you very much and please come back another time all right I'm sorry about this we won't let it happen again I'm gonna eat so much room service on this town you go that's the spirit and I'm told that Norm Macdonald who was also supposed to be with us this evening because of the blizzard is snowed in and could not be here and we will schedule him thanks thanks for watching everybody have a great night we'll see you tomorrow thank you very much [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] that was wonderful thank you very much that was very very impressive now let me ask you a couple of questions do you have to pay these guys yeah you didn't think about that here you just write the orbiter you don't worry about paying them how do you think of this stuff well it somehow just pops that pops out that's very impressive better never do this put it right in there and then that's a crank like that you can study that in the can thank you very much it was a great pleasure having you here and good luck in your life and your career and thanks for all you folks it was delightful having here my thanks also to Sandra Bullock of course and Marlon Wayans now let me mention one thing Norm Macdonald was supposed to be with us tonight but because of the storm he apparently is stranded and so we'll schedule in another evening thanks for watching ladies get on have a great evening good night folks [Music] that one's wonderful thank you very much that was very very impressive now let me ask you a couple of questions do you have to pay these guys yeah you didn't think about that here you just write the overture you don't worry about paying them how do you think of this stuff well it somehow just pops us pops out that's very impressive better never do this put it right in there and then that's the crank like that you can study that in the cab thank you very much it was a great pleasure having you here and good luck in your life and your career and thanks for all you folks it was delightful having here my thanks also to Sondra Bullock of course and Marlon Wayans now let me mention one thing Norm Macdonald was supposed to be with us tonight but because of the storm he apparently is stranded and so we'll schedule in another evening thanks for watching ladies and gentlemen have a great evening good night folks [Music] hi listen we're out of time that was very very nice thank you I'm quite flattered that you would do that and you're alright you weren't injured congratulations good for you my apologies to Brian Regan a very funny comedian he will not be here tonight we've run out of time but you can go see him at a place called laugh tracks in st. Louis January 12th through the 13th my advice to you call Trailways now my thanks to Elizabeth few Jason Alexander Marv Albert Tony Randall and I'm sorry Norm Macdonald who was supposed to be here with us tonight cannot be because he is I understand stranded in the because of the blizzard he's still not dug out of the snow we'll see you tomorrow night thank you for watching good night [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] Thank You boys thank you Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra we've had a lot of fun here tonight ladies and gentlemen and I apologize for that my thanks to Martin McBride it says here I'm guessing it was Martina it was Martina wasn't it yes of course Justin Wilson as well and Tim Robbins now I want to make an announcement here because of the storm we've had here for the last week Norm Macdonald who was originally scheduled to be with us again tonight is still stuck in the storm and the snow somewhere and could not be joining us so my apologies to Norm Macdonald and we'll have it back on the program yeah this is it if I'm sitting here beside you here I'm right beside you I'm over here is the chairman has been kind enough to be part of a week-long running gag where every night we announce him as a guest and at the end of the show I say he can't be here because of the storm when in fact he's right here norm you've just been superb let's take the North MacDonald of storm the week-long running joke is that's Tuesday here we go there's Ben right there Wednesday and here we go gets the other look out may have been Sue's [Applause] nor bits one of us it's one of our dog it's one of our best ever running gags congratulate good night everybody [Applause] [Music] Wow oh man powerful piece of drama that's it our next guest is the very popular anchor of The Weekend Update segment on Saturday Night Live folks do us a favor please welcome our old friend Norm Macdonald armed good to see you Lauren you know we always enjoy your visits and how's your family are they proud of you yeah yeah they must be they like that I'm on the TV you know it's that they don't really my grandmother like I take my grandmother loves you that's very nice give her my best she always says she goes that David has nice eyes oh well thank you but she doesn't care for Saturday Night Live she says she says they're a bunch of damn dirty hippies well that's not true yeah that's true oh is it true but she really loves you and she likes one time on this show you know yeah and she always says how's your friend David Letterman doing you know as if we're friends I think of you as a friend you know in the sense of TV we're friends we're TV friends do you think yeah we said hear me talk and then during the commercials we were uncomfortable away [Applause] but she has this thing where she thinks we're up playing Yahtzee all night or something she was good I find you want to play Yahtzee all night well you know actually I don't know she was telling me cuz she always tells me showbiz news you know because she cheats she thinks I'm in showbiz and she she gets this - she has a subscription to People magazine oh sure so she figures she has like one yeah so she was telling me about this movie that you have been the Late Show satirizing on that the late shift and she said she phoned me up she's all excited you know she said oh this mood they're gonna this movie with your friend David Letterman huh and she said it's all of that the the show she says who who's gonna be playing you I said I said no nobody's gonna be playing me I I'm not I wasn't that key don't sell yourself short who's gonna be playing you she can't hear well so she just keeps saying the same damn thing so I said I said Michael York will be playing well that's excellent dress she loves Michael York you look a little like Michael York that'd be good cast I've been told that now you know we were talking - she loves you and Michael York that's the only two people survived we're talking to uma about geography and she spent part of her early life in India and you're a Canadian as is Paul yeah yeah that where you began as a comedian yeah I did stand-up in Canada and man that stinks really oh my god you think you ever go on the road and do stand-up yeah used to do that all the time sure that stinks right yeah there's not when the travel was grueling yeah everyone hates you yeah well I didn't I don't need to go on the road for that matter I remember this one got one gig I did it was like I call him a gigs yeah cuz you're in show biz right so I it was in that a Red Deer Alberta you know where that is he oh yes part of that Red Deer Metroplex up there in Alberta yeah I was just outside of Red Deer and just outside of Red Deer so I couldn't get Red Deer huh so for those of them they didn't understand the verse back so I was I was at this gig and it was tough you know I like the guy told me before I went on he said you know you got to do the whole hour I had to do an hour gee that's girl it really is tough and he said if you don't do the hour you don't get the check because a lot of people have been you know leaving before the hour was over and so I started doing my comedy you know and everyone hated my guts so like 10 minutes into it if everyone hates your guts for the first ten minutes you know you're not gonna win them over it's discouraging yeah you know you're not gonna have a good other 50 minutes so so everyone hates me so then after a whole hour of that I have to host a joke contest you know I bring people from the audience a little talent show kind of yeah and they tell their jokes so they go up and they're hostile towards me you know they my god so every guy it would be like he would use me as like the butt of the joke you know you gotta be going okay you know I have a mic there in their hands well that's what you're doing Thank You Nora thank you and what would this be would this be a phone [Applause] [Laughter] so I think I should have loved that in Canada for everything I said here's that I wasn't that savvy at that point but so the guys out there he's got the mic you know and he goes like he's using me everybody you know it would be going like okay folks here's the joke eh what's your name again norm there's this fruit norm you know so everybody be abusing me more finally this guy comes up you know drunk you know and he goes hey norm yeah yeah because uh uh well you want to see my impression of a whale you know yeah yeah that'd be good yeah so he has his beer so he takes a big swig of beer and then he like spits it up all over my face and my shirt nice I didn't even get it either till much later and there is the sea one exactly so now I got I got stuff dripping over me I have to give this guy the gift certificate you know he won't have to get away crazy so then I'm depressed I go in the corner I'm playing Frogger you know I got water I got beer was where the beer was was that playing the water yeah yeah [Applause] [Music] [Applause] welcome back to the program ladies gentlemen if you're just joining us I don't have time to tell you why I like this way yeah it's maybe turn your pants into shorts tonight that's that's all you need to know you know our next guest as the very funny anchorman of Weekend Update on the very popular Saturday Night Live program when do they tape that show Paul well it's live - yeah and when do they do that well they do it on Saturday night and they tape it on so no they don't tape it's alive though Saturday Night Live is alive she's alive she will do that on Saturday night okay great thank you please welcome back to the program our good friend Norm Macdonald [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] and our night you know good to see ya nice to have you with so let me just say one thing since we've been here at the Ed Sullivan Theater almost three years now we've had you on the show many many times yeah other times we've asked me to be on the show and we've run out of time and I'm horrible about that I just want to thank you for your patience and your kindness and you keep coming back and it really means a great deal so you had the big final show I guess Saturday night oh yeah yeah we did our last show yeah I think really you've been on the program for years now or something like that yeah it's well yeah three years yeah you must and I think you're kind of like a you represent solidity people recognize you from the show a lot don't they you're the backbone of the program now well III County sometimes I get recognized a little bit I want to become real famous you know real like famous famous yeah I want to be like well you you know famous John Goodman John Goodman but I'd say you're more famous than John Goodman really well I want to get that kind of fame we're just you know how people bug you all the time you know I'd like maybe a woman show up figure me for a husband yeah but I get kind of I think I can make that happen I kind of I kind of got half Fame you know like sometimes people wrecked like us taking the airplane they're flying on the airplane and I get on the airplane so I got this character beside me you know sitting there with me and he says to me says he says to me says he says that he says I really liked you on the show there Fred calls me Fred Fred yeah so he recognized me but he thought my name is Fred so I figure what the hell's the name Fred right and so I go yeah thanks a lot I don't want to go hey I'm not Fred you know thanks a lot he goes yeah you're good Fred keep saying it you know so I go thanks man thanks that's good no I like your friend he says to me I got ya okay I got the idea so I just keep talking to him so then this other character comes out of the bathroom you know I had to go to the bathroom and he's walking down the airplane aisle and he sees me he says hey you're that guy from the show and I go yeah yeah and he goes what's your name you know so I go it's Fred [Applause] explain it yeah yeah well what's your last name so I go I don't want to say McDonald in case the guy goes no it's Norma girl then a tipple yeah sure so I go Fred Kendall I could say Kendall Fred Kendall yeah I just came out with Kendall so the guy goes yeah that's right I didn't get along in New York City because I think originally you're one of appalls countrymen you guys are both from Canada how do you get along a living here in here yeah yeah well New York City is a lot different you know a lot more you know homeless bums in New York City and so I've tried to be nice to them you know and I got a lot in my neighborhood I go to this diner I eat it the same diner all the time so I went there and there was a homeless bum outside there so that the guy says to me says he says he says can I have some money they're always looking for money sure yeah so I don't like to give them money on account you know then I don't have the money yeah you'd like to have someone share and also my mom says don't give the homeless bums any money because they'll buy the crack with it you know yeah buy the crack sure so I don't want how you don't want that on you yeah so I said instead of giving the guy money I say why don't I just treat him to a meal you know it's a very good idea I haven't been as my guest into the diner so I go you and the guy unless we go into the diner for for like lunch or something yeah for lunch commendable thing to do yeah those nice you know so I go in there sit down with the guy turns out the guy all of a sudden this unearthly stench fills the place you know and smell like I almost smell like urine a husband said to me it's not like urine I don't know what it was but you say you say it almost almost not quite so there's a chance maybe it was not your work well it was coming from the direction of the guys trousers so and everybody's trying to eat you know and this horrible stench is filling the place and the guys mad at me old Rudy and other guy that always gives me my food you know so uh my lord you know and so I order some soup this guy starts ordering all manner of food well sure he's gonna load up yeah so he's having a hoagie and then he gets another hoagie and then he orders a third hoagie you know mystery folk this guy loved the hoagies I never seen a guy so he's eating at everybody else we can't even eat cuz the stench is hitting us no and again what does it smell like [ __ ] was here yeah and at this point like I'm so I mean I wish I'd gone out and bought the guys some crack let me ask you about the Bob doll because you do one of the guys you're doing the shows blobs all right yeah I know he contacted you early in the season yeah he wrote he wrote me a semi random things that it's not a letter but it's a comes on a machine huh what the hell is that in fact fax I'm sorry it's a fact and so he sent me a fax and he said really like you on the show you know and I'm glad to see you're doing Bob Dole and give me a call anytime you know mr. Bob Dole leaves this message on your ass well sends the fax right so then I do him on the show and then I call him and then he don't and then it's his guy that answers the phone he said no Bob Doyle doesn't like your thing oh really yeah really so you had conflicting information there yeah please imagine that from a politician so it comes time to pay the bill you know right and no no no no we're done with it we're done with it what are you gonna do this summer I don't know I'm gonna hang around do my I'm thinking of going on the road and doing some stand-up I'm gonna be good yeah you like doing that sure that's an excellent show yeah Norm Macdonald ladies gentlemen [Applause] [Music] [Applause] you [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] all right ladies no nice to hear this I've just been to hope tomorrow night as a guest on the show we'll have the winner of this year's king of meat comp yes our next guest is the very very funny anchorman of The Weekend Update on the Live Saturday night television program called Saturday Night Live here is Letta gentlemen norm [Applause] [Music] Happy Happy New Year when I watch you on the Saturday Night Live program you do your Weekend Update then you get a tie you look like a million bucks oh because of my tie look like it so I'm just thinking you come back put a tie on force yeah no no the reason is because I have my voice is off I'm sorry I got laryngitis I didn't want to have the time nobody said it might have caused by the tie at a time right my doctor said of time I heard it mom oh I see give yourself a little more room to breathe in to talk yeah man the greatest yeah it's only been a couple of days but it's been going good that's good good you enjoy yourself oh yeah I had a great holiday you know and a Christmas and stuff you know I got lots of good present that's nice actually I got one present you ever get a present like you know what is the kind of a guy gives you a present that's a lot better than the one you gave to him was a little embarrassing yeah yeah I do it fall all the time yeah so you know the guy gave me this year this guy Fred Johnson he gave me a whole laser disc system Wow yeah great and I got him they want him Chia heads I had opened mine first you know so I was like oh this is great and then I knew he was gonna open his and see the Chia head you know so I synced fast you know I was thinking fast so has he over and I said yeah that's not the only thing I got he goes what else I go oh I got you this check here for five hundred dollars Wow I wrote that but Fred if I know Fred Johnson probably enjoy the cheering Fred John's is a good man yeah damn plant nor we're only a few days into the new year they have plans anything you'd like to see how emotions I have my resolutions I always make resolution that's good yeah and I think that the big mistake people make when they make their resolutions is they they overreach you know they make resolutions that they can't possibly set their goals too high they set their goals to my ass and then they their only sentence ever failure so what I do is I do the opposite I set my goals low knowing that I will reach them that's yeah and when you do eat and check them off I check about yours right yeah so I add to this year one is I'm gonna get a haircut and the second one is I'm going to watch that TV show run away with the rich and famous have you normal you've seen a doctor about anything you just look like you're a little off your game a bit and you got the laryngitis I went to the doctor yesterday and I said I'm supposed to go to a specialist ya know an internist uninterested yeah actually this guy doesn't like me but I went to any he I said I gotta do Letterman tomorrow I know and he goes oh yeah that guy and I go yeah about that exactly and and then he goes you know what he said no he says what what does a guy like what is a guy like that make no yeah I said I don't know I'm trying to find out about my laryngitis he kept telling with you like I'm paying your bills what is that so the guy gives me he refuses to give me antibiotics he does antibiotics why is that I don't know he gave me this stuff called xx2 something not ecstasy [Applause] but nowadays with these doctors are crazy you just don't know you're gonna be careful yeah they give you a smoking the pot I know get yourself a good agent huh that's all you need to worry about so get yourself a good one I don't know HMO my heart there yeah I don't know what that means I think fresh I think Fred Johnson's an age [Applause] [Music] well you know he did get you a very nice you know my other friend got me once Steve corn my other friend he got me a cat once oh is that a good thing to give somebody that's a horrible thing as in you gotta take care of it for the rest of his life right now it's a commitment to lifelong commitment yeah and my cat I had a horrible thing with the last summer he had a heart attack no no I never have I never I did it and so I went I came home one day and the cat was there you know and he was like who's like so like that and there was like white stuff coming out of his mouth and he's like hi so I was like freaked out you know and so I phoned out by a panic I'd phone up 9-1-1 you know it's just four people it turns out that's just four people so I even said what's the one for the cat cats you know what remember and then the woman goes look get off the phone we'll talk my neighbor you know takes me to the Animal Hospital and I get there and tell people you know there's actually animals like emergency yeah and so I go in I got the cat there you know and they go you know yes what's the problem and I go look and it's going hot and then it's an emergency everybody freaks out you know it's like on ER like whoa the cat they take it out you know and everything's like panic and bedlam you know and so I just sit down sir reading a magazine in there you know and this guy comes out he's like a doctor huh but not a real doctor so he calls me back and he goes okay we gotta talk you know so I go okay because I like he's breaking bad news too he goes that your cat has a heart attack you know it's like Oh what I never heard of such a thing you know I didn't even I don't even know they had hearts so anyways he goes you can go and see him you know and you can go and visit your cat that's nice so you said you only couldn't have 20 minutes you know so they take this room and it's like it's like a big room and there's your cat on a gurney zel drugged up you know and so then you just you're alone with your cat yeah that's a nice thing no you think after about a minute you go I got a life to get back to yeah [Music] got old ladies you know I'm going to see you around [Music] the second Biff arrives in the bear suit the goat suit whatever it is somebody let me know all right good our first guest is the parentally funny anchor of Weekend Update on the popular Saturday Night Live program here's our good for a Norm Macdonald gar [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] Oh [Applause] welcome back to the old show buddy yeah it's great to be here what's new in your life things going alright well you know I the things that are new in my life are from the newspapers I read the newspapers that's a good place an excellent source of new material yeah yeah so every day I'm reading a lot of news stories I read today that dr. Kevorkian you know yeah he killed his 41st patient the day before yesterday and I don't know but I think people should start to realize he's not a good doctor you know when you think about yeah don't go to this guy he know I kill less people than that I mean the doctor seems like it would be a blot on his records yeah and the other big thing I was reading I read the newspapers I also read the magazines you know the periodical as a periodic and I was reading I don't know if you read the cover of Time magazine but they got a the cover this week is a lady saying I'm gay yeah it's Ellen DeGeneres yeah yeah but that's gonna be a slow news week a lady saying she's gay that's a big story I guess it's brave of her though you know it's brave it's brave it's a great deal of personal catch and I'll tell you what take I read just this morning that Richard Simmons now just take it even further he now is the making a statement that he's really really really gay that's news to me that ought to be on the cover but the big thing in curse is also the hale-bopp comet you've seen it haven't seen it I'm happy to say I'm proud to say I've seen it like 15 16 times yeah absolutely yeah I saw it last night driving home you did oh it's unbelievable yeah I know I should see it you know because I didn't know who's gonna be around for like a month I've got a comment because fast you know like a bullet just a comment it's God Oh we'll never see it again but that this comet is like real slow and I was reading in a magazine periodical as you Drollet yeah I was reading that it was named after Hale and Buck - gasps - guys yeah yeah there's two guys is Hale right right and Bob they they discovered it independent of one another oh they did yeah it wasn't like they were hogging the tear and let me take a look now you know they found it in the same night in two different location even know each other yeah because I don't know I know so much less than most people it takes a lot of courage to admit that to what you on the cover of time I don't know but I know things on this street yeah right yeah but anyway the comic now I not seen it seen it I don't know where I know it's in the sky but I haven't I went I almost thought I was I took a plane to see my mother Oh that'll be great opportunities yeah and so we got on we're on the plane and then the guy comes on the pilot you know he comes on he goes yes people love the plane people plane you know he says listen guys if you look out if you're on the left side of the aircraft you know if you're sitting you can look out see the hale-bopp comet and of course I'm on the right side so I look at how to analyze it now I got it's like the wing of the plane so I get chipped you know something I'll and you know I haven't seen it and then I go to my grandma I run out my grandmother my mother it's my son's grandmother I go to my mother's I swear that's right I can see where yeah I am that she is a grandmother she is not your grand right yeah so I was with her and I go she goes she goes out on her balcony you know and she goes Oh norm the hale-bopp comet is up in the sky and I go oh man I'm gonna see that but I was watching I was watching Rhoda you know Rodya I'm watching and I fell asleep yeah not that was Botev it wasn't boring show oh yeah but I think norm I think the comment will be visible for a few more days I really take advantage of it well no you know it's weird the comment because it's like tainted now because all those guys killed themselves you know and now I don't know I you can't look at the con without thinking about a bunch of dirty ghosts flying around the spaceship you know well that's perhaps your own personal struggle with the comment what you can [Applause] when I'm done with you buddy we'll be right back here with Norm Macdonald [Applause] [Music] turtle getting ready world's only performing turtle being hosed down on 53rd Street it looks like it might not be alive no it's ready to go huh it's ready gets meditate right yeah Norm Macdonald here this is him right here Justine Bateman and Trace Adkins and as Ashley the world's only performing turtle now let's talk a little bit more you mentioned your preoccupation with the cult in the common yeah yeah yeah we ever in a cult yourself what no I don't know maybe you never know you know I never been in a car yeah I would never be in a cult like I I mean I because like that called my God Almighty like you were saying they had to castrate themselves yeah I mean that's a I don't think they had to castrate themselves I mean I think they had a technician uh-huh like a dental hygienist I didn't have to do it themselves okay but they had to get castrated yeah yeah that's a thing that you know that's a big thing it's a huge commitment so you have to really be you have to really believe and believe me you know I mean I want to ride in a spaceship as much as the next guy [Applause] yeah plus you know what are these guys are probably up in the spaceship and they're like good lord what were we thinking we can't say [ __ ] maybe there's some nice-looking ladies out there Pluto no dice no yeah they're frustrated when maybe the maybe the aliens are going you know we on our planet we value testicles [Music] [Applause] you ever you ever do because you to me seem like a fairly well grounded guy you know I'm very very keen powers of observation and I just did you ever were you ever like a bonehead you ever do punk stuff when you were a kid when I was young I was crazy like I do anything you know really yeah it's just like cuz you're young you don't care you know you don't have a job right just drifting around from town to town I remember one time like because I used to do like I used to do you know like for the purposes of this show like beer you know a little bigger yeah yeah and so I was like ripped out of my mind on this beer it was like it was like that beer that were you like hallucinate when you had so much beer yeah that's a really good beer sounds good and and so I remember I went to this place is this place that in Canada called Ottawa yeah yeah it's the capital is the capital country and so they had this thing every year it's called the Panda game right panda panda like a yeah and so but they just call it that's not new panas so so it's the University of Ottawa versus Carleton University it's the two universities and they play a game against this rivalry that's it yeah and so everybody goes and gets parties up it has and they do they drink and they do beer and then they do some more beer and everything you know and uh and sometimes they mix the beer with the beer oh no - be very careful so I went to this thing and when the thing about the Panda game is it's just a big party and every year somebody does something crazy you know like the engineering students from one of the things like one time they put a bunch of greased pigs on the field oh yeah I've had a change of greased pig College pranks yeah College pranks one one year they made a big slingshot giant one and they shot like water balloons over the other side to hit and so every year everybody wonders hey I wonder what with what's gonna be the big prank so then I was there I was really wrecked you know I was like it's up in my head right I go I'm gonna figure out the prank to do I'm gonna be that guy you know and so I'm walking around I'm no good at pranks you know I'm walking around the state and I'm trying to thinking I see you know they sell the hot dogs the hot dogs - yeah there's a big like mustard thing where you push on a big pump those big yellow things and you push on the top if it gets them for your delicious hot dog yeah monster yeah oh my god I'll grab this this hottest hot dog mustard thick and so I grabbed it nothing like walking away and I get back to my seat and I go my idea was I'll Chuck this giant mustard thing onto the field and then it will cause a big mustard stain on the football field Oh that'd be really cool because mustard is hard to get and so I get there you know but I'm really wrecked and I get there and I go huh and plus I was way up like way no I would super human strength to get that superhuman status ago and so I take up the mustard I go ah and I throw the mustard up right and then the mustard just goes up a little way and then I see like the top like starts spinning off of it and then there's mustard all comes out and then I just see all these guys like right in front of me and then so my buddy goes run run run for your life [Applause] Norma you had a couple of beers before the show this weekend on Saturday Night Live the Rob Lowe and the Spice Girls Plus Joe Pesci now I've got a couple of seconds go ahead do it let me see it I gotta do it foul all right do a little me yeah my son players do not play nice oh not so easy what I'm sitting right here is it big shot you're ready on your [Applause] here we go that's like who's gonna be the I don't know Rob Lowe Rob Lowe and Spice Girls ah yeah Paul laughs right Rob Lowe and the Spice Girls and being here do you enjoy them you enjoy the Spice Girls fault nice going Spice Girls yeah yeah yeah well they'll they'll be on the show you you you watched the Saturday night show I guess yeah yeah yeah well the times that are now part I say what time in our yard it's like 11:00 yeah [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] they're tender New York City go back out there to the that's the CBS store and you can go in there and get some beautiful of CBS souvenirs from all your CBS stars you know yeah go in there and get like a Charles Osgood coffee mug do they have that yeah it's yourself like a Tom Schneider marking pen fantastic go in there and get all that very hot CBS memorabilia arson dies yeah whether you get a medicine woman what I don't know anything for my show oh yeah there's some yeah you actually get a pretty good deal on Calvert if you go in there now yeah take him home with you tonight ladies gentlemen with apologies to Peter Jennings our first guest is the funniest Canadian newsman on television he is the anchor of Weekend Update on the popular Saturday Night Live here is Norm Macdonald armed [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] and on how you doing buddy I'm doing happy yeah you know I don't want to tell you how to do your business we've got a suit on kill you to wear a tie you know just come on make me feel better no I wanna you know what having as I had a tie and on the way here a dirty homeless bum stole it no it looks like you're in town on a convention and have decided to go nuts I was in it I was in an elevator you know in this hotel and there were these two Shriners you know and so I guess I don't know I thought do I look like a gay guy or something because I'm in this what do you want to look like arm what what are you trying to look like I want to look like a guy that would not be on Cunanan hit list [Applause] three Shriner guys no shrines that were the hats funny hats and so they were there going hey how you doing there fella you know all right suit you know because I met this hotel and so then they go yeah he goes hey yeah they go later on tonight we got a party going on up in our room you go we got some booze there some broads you know guy says you uh you like the Broads don't you no I like the ROG oh yeah no I know I wasn't saying anything I just seen by your suit there I thought maybe you were kind of a how do you do how do you do the hell does that mean that's a game man Oh [Applause] how you feeling you're alright somebody told me you had the flu or something I'm alright how do you do by the way you know the flu you weren't feeling than earlier a little under the weather had a cold a little bit says a little bit sick you know I went I went to the doctor I was really a doctor you know because I'm going to stick you go to the doctor yeah that's right even when I'm not I'm worried I'm worried I'm like well maybe today I'll get like bowel cancer or something you know like I I get concerned no I swear that might sound weird but there actually is no such thing I checked in a medical dictionary oh but I go to this doctor and he gives me like I was giving these crazy things I just so he said I want to like test out your body fat yeah you know meanwhile I'm a really skinny guy like my whole life have been skinny out of it self conscience about it you know Sakana conscious right I always had problems with those words I was not conscience just fine don't worry about this is not an elevator with Shriners so to relax so the guy he says I said I don't need no body fat thing man I'm a really skinny guy so he puts them these calipers on right now and he tests me out comes back turns out I'm fat as well as skinny seems unlikely doesn't I'm skimming but also fat like I'm basically I'm bones and then fat over having the bones have a horrible body so so the guy tells me you got to get to running a gym Oh start working out a little bit so I go to the gym and holy Lord is ever gonna run oh they're crazy you gotta like they got the weights you know that's the big thing wait wait machines sure so you got like a lift the way ah that's really heavy and then you gotta put it down then then afterwards lift it again right away and it's endless it's like hundreds of lifting and then afterwards you're just like soar and you're not bigger at all I got no use for being here you know I'm just a guy I watch some TV I eat a fish sandwich you know I don't I don't got to be big big you know I don't need abs you know what am I gonna do that I can show unto my friends I go hey look at the look on my belly what I got here some ABS what are you lookin at you know but maybe we worked out a little bit perhaps Shriners would leave you alone [Applause] you know I was watching the tape of you were performing for President Clinton down there to your Correspondents Dinner oh yeah yeah Reiter's the newspaper oh yeah yeah a nice job I did a great job under a lot of pressure because you have all of the media all over the country and then you have President right yeah for those of you who don't know what it is it's a the president and the people are that I don't know what it is either really but you go there the point is you go there you do some jokes Wow and look in front of the president just like a black tie deal he wears a black yeah you gotta wear tuxedos right yeah and so tuxedo and so you have to wear a tie though and so you go there and it's very nerve-wracking because you have to first the president goes on and he talks of course he does well you know he doesn't you know so and it's very hard to go on I don't know if you're familiar with that Oh showbiz Maxim Dave never go on rape directly after the president of the United States never follow the president of the u.s. it should be you then the leader of the free world after yeah you know because he's that you know he's a big you know yeah so I decided I was nervous you know I was very nervous and I am this technique like when I get nervous you know I have this thing where I to relax I drink a lot of booze yeah yeah takes the edge off a busy day yeah no that's good so then I realize I'm drunk yeah you know and the president is over there he's probably stoned you know yeah he enjoys the rackets of acting well he said he didn't really smoke though he said yeah yeah yeah he was all like on a thing you know like disabled he'd injured himself yeah he'd injured playing golf or something Greg Norman at his house yeah I heard that I heard the inside scoop was apparently a couple of years ago Greg Norman had said to him and this was like a thing he said if you ever make a pass at my wife again I'll smash your knee with a 5-iron you dirty bastard oh so that's what happened but he was like he was oh I was thinking about you know he was disabled plus he was the president United States you imagine the parking spot that guy had probably must have been something but you didn't you did a nice job down there yeah you made him laugh did you get to meet Clinton I met Clint yeah you meet him you go to this big room and there's like a hundred guys you know and then it's just a bunch of people like me and then Clinton comes in he's the president you watch them and talks to everybody and the weird thing is he's got to talk to you know everybody he has to say like all these thing and so he came up to me and he was shaking my hand he goes he just shook me he's very charismatic he's like a like a whatever you know so he comes to meeting shakes my hand he says to me he goes he says that he says I see your I see you're eating a pickle you know they say I don't like a pickle with a chunk missing yeah so he left it at first you're like oh the president you don't realize like he said this crazy pickle comic you know he can't say the same thing to every dude has to individualize it right now you thought of a word there dude yeah [Applause] it's fine that Larry Flynt there he was there yeah why was he there had he been invited I mean yeah it's this thing where they invite like they have big guys like the senator of the north you know and the senator of the north here just senator of the north you know the senator the south couldn't make that visit so they had the big guys and then they had the kind of what they call the novelty guys you know in the head a novelty just the guys can spice it up they had Larry Flynt you know on this wheelchair you know you had problems there you know yes and so he like after the thing he was like Weiland I ran and then he saw me tire he talks like that all right but I'm just gonna talk as if you talk regularly so he goes he goes hey norm you know hey man so I go hey how's it going Larry Flynt and then he goes thanks for doing the movie I was in his movie where you were in the movie yeah you know the people against Larry Fletcher yeah I was one of the people he goes he says he says we know he says when you come out to LA he says he's being friendly says come on out to LA meanwhile people are listening because I'm Larry Flynt ok he goes when you come out to LA there norm he goes I'll take care yeah you know yeah what what exactly what are we talking about know what that I didn't I don't know different means I mean like if my uncle basil said that to me that would mean you know he'd fixed me a nice chicken pot pie take me to a Twins game you know he lives in the Minnesota area maybe in the cherry cobbler I don't know you know but Larry Flynt could be a different a different thing [Applause] are you having a good summary enjoying your summer my summer it's no now that yeah I guess I wasn't expecting that question yeah yeah what is kind of a peculiar thing to ask a man good sounded pretty good yeah yeah boy it's hot in here yeah New York though most nice oh hi nice nice nice [Laughter] nor you go by a little frisky Baxter oh did you [Applause] getting ready to go back to work and it's the 23rd season of Saturday Night Live's 27th it's time to finish it [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music]

Channel: Don Giller

Views: 1,223,069

Keywords: Norm Macdonald

Id: KWwMdr7NfdI

Length: 60min 13sec (3613 seconds)

Published: Sun Nov 24 2019