WELCOME, WELCOME, ONE AND
ALL TO "THE LAST SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN
COLBERT. <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i> ENERGY.
LISTEN TO THAT WARMTH. WIND CHILLS TODAY ARE NEAR
ZERO TODAY IN NEW YORK. AND I WANT TO THANK MY
AUDIENCE RIGHT HERE WHO
BRAVED THE COLD CAME OUT, DID IT,INGS DUG
DOWN, FOUND THAT EXTRA GEAR
TO BE HERE TONIGHT, AND CAME INTO THE
ED SULLIVAN THEATER, WHERE
SOMEHOW IT'S EVEN COLDER.
AND HERE'S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT IT'S SINCERELY COMFORTING IN
A WAY. IT'S JANUARY 11th.
IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE REALLY
COLD. THAT MAKES SENSE TO ME.
AND IT'S THE ONLY THING THAT DOES.
LOOK AT COVID. REMEMBER, WE JUST NEEDED TO
TAKE IT SERIOUSLY FOR THREE
TO SIX WEEKS, SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
AND THEN IT'LL BE OVER? THAT'S GOIN' ON TWO YEARS
AGO. THEN WE THOUGHT WE WERE
OVER IT AFTER THE GIANT PEAK LAST
WINTER, PLUS WE HAD THE
VACCINE. IS IT THEN DELTA CAME
AROUND, THE END OF SUMMER
AND THE FALL. THAT WAS TERRIBLE.
BUT THEN WE'D BE GOOD BY THE HOLIDAYS, AND THEN OMICRON
CAME A-KNOCKIN.' AND NOW, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S
GOING ON. BECAUSE THE UNITED STATES
REPORTED 1.5 MILLION NEW INFECTIONS YESTERDAY.
THAT'S TERRIBLE, BUT KIND OF SWEET THAT WE ALL GAVE EACH
OTHER THE SAME THING FOR CHRISTMAS.<i>
( LAUGHTER )</i> STAGGERING NUMBER.
BUT EVERYBODY IS SAYING IF YOU'RE VACCINATED, OMICRON
IS VERY MILD. WELL, OKAY, BUT IF THAT'S
THE CASE, THEN WHY DO WE
HAVE A RECORD-BREAKING 145,000
COVID HOSPITALIZATIONS, WITH
EXPERTS PREDICTING A PEAK IN THE
300,000 RANGE? SOON, THERE'S GOING TO BE
ALMOST AS MANY PEOPLE IN
HOSPITALS AS THERE ARE TV SHOWS ABOUT
HOSPITALS. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
WALENSKY EXPLAINED THAT THE NUMBERS AREN'T AS BAD THEY
MAY SEEM, BECAUSE AT SOME
HOSPITALS, UP TO 40% OF THE PATIENTS
WHO ARE COMING IN WITH COVID
-19 ARE COMING IN NOT BECAUSE
THEY'RE SICK WITH COVID, BUT
THEY'RE COMING IN WITH SOMETHING
ELSE AND HAVE HAD THE
OMICRON VARIANT DETECTED.
OKAY, SURE, BUT EVEN IF
PEOPLE AREN'T COMING IN FOR COVID
INITIALLY, THE HOSPITALS ARE STILL OVERFLOWING.
THAT'S LIKE SAYING, "UH, TECHNICALLY, UP TO 40% OF
PEOPLE WHO DROWNED ON THE
"TITANIC" WERE ALREADY WET BECAUSE
THEY WERE IN THE BATHTUB
WHEN THE SHIP WENT DOWN.<i>
( LAUGHTER )</i> NOT SO BAD.<i>
( LAUGHTER )</i> THIS PANDEMIC WE ALL ARE?
CHECK OUT THIS HEADLINE THAT
CNN THOUGHT WE ALL NEEDED TO
HEAR: "FIVE REASONS YOU
SHOULD NOT DELIBERATELY CATCH OMICRON
TO 'GET IT OVER WITH.'" WELL, OBVIOUSLY, YOU
SHOULDN'T DELIBERATELY CATCH
OMICRON. AND SHOULD I?<i>
( LAUGHTER )</i> HOSTS ARE DOING IT.
I'M STARTING TO THINK THEY
HAD A SECRET SLEEPOVER, AND I
WASN'T INVITED. <i> ( LAUGHTER ).</i>
NOW, IT SEEMS RIDICULOUS TO PURPOSELY CATCH COVID, BUT
ACCORDING TO ONE DOCTOR, THE IDEA OF INTENTIONALLY TRYING
TO CATCH OMICRON IS ALL THE
RAGE. YES, GETTING OMICRON IS
SUPER POPULAR. I HEAR IT'S DATING PETE
DAVIDSON. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
BUT-- HE'S GOT-- HE'S GOT
THAT B.D.E.-- THE BIG DELTA
ENERGY. THAT'S WHAT I HEAR! THAT'S WHAT I HEAR!
IT'S GOT TO BE SOMETHING! IT'S GOT TO BE SOMETHING.
I HAVE TO GET A NECK TATTOO. BUT AS APPEALING AS THE
NOTION OF INTENTIONALLY
MAKING YOURSELF SICK MAY BE, CNN HAS SOME
PRETTY GOOD REASONS TO AVOID
GETTING THE COVID, INCLUDING:
YOU COULD GET LONG COVID, YOU'LL STRESS THE HEALTH
CARE SYSTEM, AND DON'T MESS
WITH MOTHER NATURE, ADDING,
"SHE'S BEEN TRYING TO KILL
US EVER SINCE WE CRAWLED OUT OF THE
OCEAN ONTO THE LAND." DAMN YOU, MAMA NATURE!
DAMN YOU TO HELL! <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
YOU KNOW WHAT? I WAS, FOR YEARS NOW, I HAVE
BEEN AGAINST GLOBAL WARMING,
BUT NOW IT'S JUST PAYBACK TIME.
I'M GOING BACK TO PLASTIC STRAWS.
COME-- COME HERE, YOU DAMN TURTLE!
COME HERE! THERE IS NO ACTUAL TURTLE
HERE, BY THE WAY. NOW, THERE IS SOME HELP ON
THE HORIZON. THE WHITE HOUSE JUST
ANNOUNCED THAT INSURERS WILL
HAVE TO COVER EIGHT AT-HOME VIRUS TESTS
PER MONTH. EIGHT PER MONTH-- SO, ONE
FOR EVERY NEW VARIANT. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
TESTS YOURSELF, WHICH MAY
NOT BE EASY, BECAUSE WITH
SKYROCKETING DEMAND, RAPID
ANTIGEN TESTS ARE HARD TO FIND.
AND EVEN WHEN YOU DO FIND
THEM, YOU MUST FIRST BATTLE THE
SELF-CHECKOUT MACHINE AT
CVS: "NO, NO, YOU'RE AN
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN THE
BAGGING AREA! YOU ARE!
WHAT? WHAT?<i>
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> OF COURSE I WANT A BAG!
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO,
CARRY THIS TUBE OF CREST TO MY CAR
CLUTCHED IN MY BUTTCHEEKS?" <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
THAT COVID HAS MUTATED INTO
A POLITICAL ISSUE.
AND TODAY, THINGS GOT UGLY
ON CAPITOL HILL, WHERE DR.
ANTHONY FAUCI WAS TESTIFYING
IN FRONT OF HIS OLD NEMESIS:
KENTUCKY SENATOR RAND PAUL,
SEEN HERE--
( AUDIENCE BOOING ) SEEN HERE SPORTING HIS
SIGNATURE HAIRSTYLE:
FETTUCCINI AL-HEAD-O. DURING-- MMM-MMM.
DURING A HEARING ABOUT THE FEDERAL RESPONSE TO OMICRON,
SENATOR PAUL ACCUSED DR.
FAUCI OF ATTACKING OTHER
SCIENTISTS WHO OPPOSED COVID
LOCKDOWNS, AND THE GOOD DOCTOR HAD HAD
ABOUT ENOUGH. >> DO YOU REALLY THINK IT'S
APPROPRIATE TO USE YOUR
$420,000 SALARY TO ATTACK SCIENTISTS
THAT DISAGREE WITH YOU? >> SENATOR, THE E-MAIL
YOU'RE REFERRING TO WAS AN
EMAIL OF DR. COLLINS TO ME.
IF YOU LOOK AT THE E-MAIL-- >> THAT YOU RESPONDED TO AND
HURRIED UP AND SAID, "I CAN
DO IT.
I CAN DO IT. WE GOT SOMETHING IN 'WIRED'
MAGAZINE"-- >> NO, NO, NO.
I THINK IN USUAL FASHION, SENATOR, YOU ARE DISTORTING
EVERYTHING ABOUT ME. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
COME ON! TAKE OFF THE GLOVES AND THE
MASK OFF. <i> ( AS DR. FAUCI )</i>
AND I REGRET TO INFORM YOU, YOU'VE CONTRACTED MY BOOT IN
YOUR ASS. <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
HE WENT ON TO TELL THE
COMMITTEE THE DANGEROUS CONSEQUENCES
OF A SITTING SENATOR
SPREADING LIES ABOUT HIM.
>> WHAT HAPPENS WHEN HE GETS
OUT AND ACCUSES ME OF THINGS
THAT ARE COMPLETELY UNTRUE
IS THAT ALL OF A SUDDEN, THAT
KINDLES THE CRAZIES OUT
THERE, AND I HAVE LIFE-- THREATS UPON MY
LIFE, HARASSMENTS OF MY
FAMILY WITH OBSCENE PHONE CALLS
BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE LYING
ABOUT ME. >> Stephen: THAT'S JUST
TERRIBLE. DR. FAUCI SHOULD NOT BE
GETTING OBSCENE PHONE CALLS
FROM VIOLENT CRAZIES.
HE SHOULD BE GETTING THEM
FROM LONELY SINGLES WHO SAW HIS
"INSTYLE" MAGAZINE COVER. "HELLO, DOCTOR.
DO THOSE NOVELTY SOCKS GO
ALL THE WAY UP?"
BUT DR. FAUCI USED THE SCIENTIFIC METHOD TO FIGURE
OUT JUST WHAT PAUL WAS UP
TO. >> SO I ASK MYSELF, WHY
WOULD THE SENATOR WANT TO DO
THIS? SO GO TO RAND PAUL WEBSITE,
AND YOU SEE "FIRE DR. FAUCI"
WITH A LITTLE BOX THAT SAYS
"CONTRIBUTE HERE," AND YOU
CAN DO $5, $10, $20, $100.
SO YOU ARE MAKING A
CATASTROPHIC EPIDEMIC FOR YOUR POLITICAL
GAIN. <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
ACCUSATION. IN RESPONSE, RAND PAUL SENT
OUT AN EMAIL: "DR. FAUCI TRIED TO SMEAR ME
BY SAYING I'M PROFITING FROM
THE PANDEMIC.
PROVE HIM WRONG BY DONATING
$10, $20 OR $100 TODAY."<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> IF THERE'S ONE THING MORE
CONTAGIOUS THAN COVID, IT'S STUPID, BECAUSE RAND PAUL
WAS JOINED IN HIS DUMB-DUMB
ATTACKS ON FAUCI BY KANSAS SENATOR
AND MAN WHO BOUGHT HIS
VENEERS BY THE FOOT, ROGER MARSHALL.
SENATOR MARSHALL ASKED FAUCI ABOUT FAUCHI'S FINANCIAL
DISCLOSURE, WHICH IS PUBLIC, BECAUSE THAT'S HOW FINANCIAL
DISCLOSURES WORK. AND FAUCI LET IT BE KNOWN IN
NO UNCERTAIN TERMS IT'S NOT
HIS FAULT IF THE SENATOR DOESN'T
KNOW HOW TO GOOGLE. AND THEN AT THE END, THE
GOOD DOCTOR LET HIS REAL
FEELINGS BE KNOWN ON A HOT MIC.
>> MY FINANCIAL DISCLOSURES
ARE PUBLIC KNOWLEDGE AND HAVE
BEEN SO. YOU ARE GETTING AMAZINGLY
WRONG INFORMATION. >> SO I CANNOT FIND THEM.
OUR OFFICE CANNOT FIND THEM. WHERE WOULD THEY BE IF
THEY'RE PUBLIC KNOWLEDGE? WHERE?
>> SENATOR MARSHALL, DR.
FAUCI HAS ANSWERED YOU.
IT IS PUBLIC INFORMATION,
AND HE'S HAPPY TO GIVE IT TO YOU
IF YOU WOULD ASK. SENATOR MORAN? <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
LIVES FOREVER ON THE
INTERNET, <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
LIVES FOREVER ON THE
INTERNET, THE ONE PLACE WHERE SENATOR
MARSHALL AND HIS STAFF WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO FIND IT.<i>
( LAUGHTER )</i> FROM THE WORLD OF MEDICINE,
BECAUSE ON FRIDAY, IN A
MEDICAL FIRST, A MAN WITH TERMINAL
HEART DISEASE GOT A
TRANSPLANT OF GENETICALLY MODIFIED PIG
HEART. GREAT NEWS FOR THAT
PATIENT. NOW NOT ONLY DOES HE GET A
NEW HEART, BUT EATING BACON
IS NOW ACTUALLY GOOD FOR IT.
THE PATIENT IS RECOVERING NICELY, AND HIS NEW HEART IS
FUNCTIONING AND ALREADY
DOING MOT OF THE WORK.<i>
( AS DOCTOR )</i> PATIENT IS DOING WELL.
THE ONLY DOWNSIDE... I'M AFRAID YOUR FATHER IS NO
LONGER KOSHER." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
SCIENTIFIC UNDERTAKING. FOR STARTERS, TO SUPPRESS
THE IMMUNE SYSTEM AND
PREVENT REJECTION, DOCTORS MADE 10
GENETIC MODIFICATIONS ON THE
PIG HEART.
AMAZING. BUT YOU GOTTA BE CAREFUL
WHEN YOU MESS WITH PIG D.N.
A. WE ALL LEARNED THAT FROM THE
MOVIE, "JURASSIC PORK." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
THE POND IN THE U.K. THEY'LL SOON BE CELEBRATING
QUEEN ELIZABETH'S PLATINUM JUBILEE, AND BRITAIN IS
PULLING OUT ALL THE STOPS TO
MARK THE QUEEN'S 70 YEARS ON THE
BRITISH THRONE, WITH POMP,
PUDDING AND PARTIES.
THERE'S EVEN A VERY-POPULAR
PLAN TO LAUNCH PRINCE ANDREW INTO
THE SUN. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
NOW-- HE DOESN'T SWEAT. NOW, THIS IS A BIG DEAL,
BECAUSE NO BRITISH MONARCH
HAS EVER SPENT 70 YEARS ON THE THRONE
BEFORE. THE CLOSEST ANY BRITISH
ROYAL HAS COME IS QUEEN
VICTORIA, WHO RULED FOR 63 YEARS, WHICH
EXPLAINS THE NEW ROYAL COMMEMORATIVE CHINA:
"SUCK IT, VICKI." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
FESTIVITIES WILL CULMINATE
WITH A FOUR-DAY-LONG PUBLIC
HOLIDAY STARTING ON JUNE 2. IN FACT, "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE
HAS ALREADY RELEASED THEIR COMMEMORATIVE, "THE QUEEN
WILL DEFINITELY LIVE UNTIL
JUNE" ISSUE.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR
YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS BRADLEY COOPER. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
"MEANWHILE." JOIN US, WON'T YOU?
♪ ♪ ♪
