-One of the key supporters of the attempt to overthrow
the 2020 election, Congressman Jim Jordan, has said
he'll refuse to cooperate with the January 6th
investigation just days after fellow pro-coup
Republican Ted Cruz went on Fox News
to debase himself after calling January 6th
a terrorist attack. For more on this,
it's time for "A Closer Look." Well, here we are again
doing a show outside our studio due to the world being, as Winston Churchill
once called it, a giant [bleep]-eating
cluster [bleep] He had some bad days. Today we are in our fifth
remote location since the pandemic began,
and not to toot our own horn, but I think this one
looks the best yet. And not to un-toot
that same horn, that is a terrible development. It's not good that we're getting
better at doing our show outside the studio because
a virus is running rampant. If someone told you,
"I'm getting very good at killing
and cooking my own squirrel," you wouldn't think
that person had hit it big, although what the [bleep]
do I know? Maybe next week, Fox News will
start promoting squirrel meat as the new COVID cure-all. On that note,
when I tested positive, I tried to get my hands
on some of that horse paste, but they were out of it
at my local feed store, so best I could do was this. Some horse pudding. There's no medicinal value
in it. It's not a great snack, either. You can definitely
taste the horse. What flavor is it? Chocoletariat. Go ahead, groan.
I can't hear you from home. Speaking of groaning from home,
I was thankfully symptom-free, but we did have to self-isolate
with our family all last week. The first couple of days
were rough, but then on day five, I thought,
"You know what? This time with my children
has been a blessing," at which point I realized
the virus had infected my brain. I do attribute my lack
of symptoms to the fact that I was
vaccinated and boosted, because it was definitely not my
natural physical constitution. I mean, look at me. I have the immune system
of an inbred British king. I once got pneumonia
from looking at a snow globe. Anyway, we've now done this show
in so many different locations, people are starting to think I'm in the Witness
Protection Program, especially since I took
the stand in that Mafia trial. I mean, I didn't
actually see anything. I just thought the trial
would be a good chance to use my Pacino impression. [ As Pacino ] I was not
at the scene of the crime because I was too busy filming
my show in a Zoom Room. Oh, yeah. [ Normal voice ] You know,
I thought it would be weird doing the Pacino without the standing ovation
from the audience, but it was fine. It was exactly as rewarding. Look, I swear -- I swear to God I'm going to talk about
the news soon. But one final piece
of housekeeping. The most popular/most reviled
part of my quarantine shows was the talking
sea captain painting. Now, I'm not currently
in my in-laws' home. We have no idea
whose apartment this is. I'm not currently
in my in-laws' home, where that painting resides,
but have I got a story for you. A few months ago, I'm doing
a Q&A with my studio audience, and this lovely woman
named Mary LaGarde said she's an artist
who wants to make me my own painting
of the sea captain in case I do at-home shows
again, to which I said, "I'm not doing at-home shows
again, you buffoon," happily, just in my head,
not out loud, because, you know -- you know. Even better,
Mary said she wanted to paint the captain's wife,
too, and asked who I thought
the captain's wife should be based on. And, well, I'm not upset
with my choice. -[ Laughs ] Ye chose, well, friend. I hereby forgive any ill will
I've had towards ye in the past. -Oh, man, I'm just so glad
you're happy. What kind of things
do you do together? -Well, we both love treasure,
be it rubies, emeralds, or... -♪ Diamonds ♪ -That's great. Well, I'm on page five and I haven't addressed current
events, so you know what? I'm going to get back to... -♪ Work ♪
-That's right. I'm gonna get back to work. Now, I had a terrible week,
but the one silver lining is, at no point during the week
was I Ted Cruz. -Hey, Seth?
-Yeah, bud? -Weird question, but, uh, you know how you text me
my "Closer Look" lines and then I record them on my
phone and send them back to you? -I do, yes. -Are you also doing that
with Rihanna? -Mm-hmm.
-Okay. Because it seems like hers are
maybe just pulled from songs. -No, no, no.
No, no, no, no. -Okay, sorry I asked. -Hey, don't you give it
a second thought. Now, where was I?
Oh, right, Ted Cruz. Anyways,
as you've probably seen, the big news in politics
while I've been away, has been the sight
of a United States senator going on TV to humiliate himself
and beg for forgiveness for the grave sin of condemning
a violent insurrection aimed at overthrowing
American democracy. It was so pathetic,
I honestly thought I was delirious from the COVID. But it turns out it was real. And I was just delirious
from my horse pudding. And look, we all know
Ted Cruz has a thing for self-humiliation. He slinked back from Cancún after escaping a blackout
in his state. He endorsed Donald Trump after Trump insulted his wife
and his father and took that infamous photo where he made campaign calls
for Trump looking like Jack Lemmon
in "Glengarry Glen Ross." And he keeps showing up
in public with that facial hair looking like a Chewbacca who
shaved everything but the beard. You see, Cruz originally said
what you might think was a totally
non-controversial thing about the anniversary
of the January 6th insurrection. -We are approaching
a solemn anniversary this week, and it is an anniversary of a violent terrorist attack
on the Capitol where we saw the men
and women of law enforcement demonstrate incredible courage,
incredible bravery, risk their lives to defend the men and women
who serve in this Capitol. -I mean, it's the right thing
to say, even though it's definitely
a little weird to condemn an attack
you helped whip up by spreading the very lies
that fueled that mob. It's like when OJ promised
to find the real killer, except in Cruz's case,
it's arguably worse because he's doing it
at the scene of the crime. Imagine if OJ had gone back to
the house to look for the clues. "Whoa, who left
these gloves here? These were supposed to go
in the armoire, guys. They shrink
if you leave them outside." But the actual language Cruz
used was pretty standard fare. In fact, it's the bare minimum
he should have said. If anything, the only part
that was surprising about it was that it was
a fairly normal thing from a guy
who is anything but normal. On top of being one of
the most disliked politicians on the planet,
he's also one of the weirdest. Dude posed with a butter cow,
dug into some queso on-camera, and appeared to eat
a booger onstage during a live national debate
like he was trying to win money on some weird
Japanese game show. Anyway, the point is, even
that bare-minimum condemnation of the January 6th attack
was apparently too much for the new enforcers
of Republican orthodoxy, like Tucker Carlson. For them, no criticism of what happened on January 6th
is allowed, and their new litmus test is that the attempted coup
was a good thing. So Cruz had to
go on Tucker's show to grovel and debase himself and say that
he didn't actually mean to condemn
the violent insurrection he helped foment on January 6th. -You called this
a terror attack, when by no definition
was it a terror attack. That's a lie.
You told that lie on purpose. And I'm wondering why you did. -Well, Tucker, thank you
for having me on. When you aired
your episode last night, I sent you a text
shortly thereafter and said, "Listen, I'd like to go on," because the way I phrased things
yesterday, it was sloppy and it was, frankly, dumb. -I don't buy that. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
I don't buy that. Look, I've known you
a long time, since before you went
to the Senate. I do not believe that you
used that accidentally. I just don't. -So, Tucker, as a result
of my sloppy phrasing, it's caused a lot of people
to misunderstand what I meant. The reason the phrasing was
sloppy is I have talked dozens, if not hundreds, of times,
I've drawn a distinction. I wasn't saying that the
thousands of peaceful protesters supporting Donald Trump
are somehow terrorists. I wasn't saying the millions
of patriots across the country supporting President Trump
are terrorists, and that's what a lot of people
have misunderstood that comment. -Wait a second.
But even -- Hold on. What you just said
doesn't make sense. -Tucker, I agree with you. It was a mistake
to say that yesterday. -Wow, I knew Ted had a thing
for self-humiliation, but that is next level. Imagine begging for forgiveness
from a cable news host while he sits there with that
look he always has on his face like he's trying to remember the
name of the other guy from Wham! "Was it the talented
Mr. Ripley?" That clip was like watching one of those dumb
cable news segments where a reporter
willingly gets tasered just to show everyone
how bad it is. -I'm about to receive
50,000 volts of electricity. Do it.
[ Taser crackling ] [ Groaning ] Stop! Oh! It hurts. -Or it was like watching
one of those "Jackass" clips where someone has to glue
their ass cheeks together or get smacked by a giant hand. -What's up, dude?
-Yeah, dude. How about this crowd, brother? [ Laughter ] -And those two clips
are from our new segment, "Simpler Times." By the way,
"simpler times" now refers to any time before noon today. That performance
was so embarrassing, Cruz even got mocked
by the graphic under him as he was talking, which said
"Cruz'ing for a bruising." How much more humiliating
can it get? That'd be like if my staff started putting up graphics
below me while I was talking
without my permission, which could never happen because I see every graphic
before it airs on the show. I also like how Cruz finds a way
to mention in that clip that he texted Tucker
like they're good pals. Unfortunately for Ted,
anytime he tries to text or call someone,
it comes up as "Spam Likely," or, in his case,
"Likely Made of Spam." And yet this debacle
keeps getting worse for Cruz because he proudly tweeted out
the clip of himself groveling, which is a little like posting
a video of yourself landing nards first
on a handrail during a skateboard fail
with the caption, "Check out how epic this is." But this is the core
of the modern GOP politics. You have to prove to the base
that you have no dignity, that you're willing
to humiliate yourself for them, and that there's nothing
too pathetic for you to do in order to win their favor. That's why they all
slinked back to Trump after he brutally mocked
and insulted all of them, because reverence and loyalty
to Trump above all else is the litmus test
for GOP politics. That's also why key figures
in the attempted coup are now refusing to cooperate
with the investigation into what happened on that day, like Ohio congressman
Jim Jordan, who announced that he won't
cooperate with the committee despite repeatedly insisting
he had "nothing to hide," although it certainly seems like
he did have something to hide given this incredibly cagey
interview he did a while back with a reporter who asked him if he talked to President Trump
on the day of the insurrection. -Yes or no, did you speak with
President Trump on January 6th? -Yeah, I mean, I spoke
with the president last week. I speak with the president
all the time. I spoke with him on January 6th. I mean, I talk with
President Trump all the time. I'm -- I'm actually
kind of amazed sometimes that people keep asking this. Of course. I talk with
the president all the time. Like I said,
I talked with him last week. -On January 6th, did you
speak with him before, during, or after
the Capitol was attacked? -I'd have to go --
I'd -- I -- I spoke with him that day after,
I think, after. I don't know if I spoke with him
in the morning or not. I just don't know.
I'd have to go back -- I mean, I don't --
I don't know that -- when -- when those
conversations happened. -[ Stammering ] [ Chuckles ] Those were
straightforward questions. And he melted down like
a Coen brothers villain. If a cop interrogated someone and they started talking
like that, they'd open the door and shout,
"Yep, yeah, never mind. Yeah, we don't -- we don't need
to do good cop/bad cop today. This guy's basically --
basically admitted. Yeah.
No, I -- I know you had a whole routine
all set up and ready to go, but he's confessed,
so I don't think we -- I'm sorry, but my partner
has been working on a bad cop. It's -- It's Pacino. And he'd just really like
to come in here and do it. Do you mind? Thank you. Means the world to him. Okay. He agreed.
You can come on in." [ As Pacino ]
Whoa, Jim Jordan. As I live and breathe. We have got you
by the shirt sleeves. [ Normal voice ] The point is --
the point -- there is nothing too humiliating
or pathetic for these guys. All that matters to them
is serving Trump and the GOP's authoritarian
assault on democracy, and they'll embarrass themselves
as much as they have to in order to do it. And I'm saying that as a guy
who ate horse pudding and talks to
a sea captain painting. I'm now in my fifth
remote location. But, hey, at least I'm not back
at my in-laws' house or upstairs with the wasps
and the Thorn Birds in my... -Attica! -This has been "A Closer Look." God's Love We Deliver
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