WELCOME. ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT<i>
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> YOU KNOW, FOLKS, IF YOU HAVE
BEEN READING THE PAPERS OR WATCHING THE NEWS YOU'LL KNOW IT
WAS YET ANOTHER DAY OF BICKERING FOR LAWMAKERS TODAY IN
WASHINGTON, D.C. THE SUBJECT WAS A PROPOSAL FROM
OREGON SENATOR AND SAD BUSINESS MIME, RON WYDEN. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
SENATOR WYDEN WANTS TO PAY FOR THE BIDEN AGENDA WITH SOMETHING
CALLED THE BILLIONAIRE'S INCOME NOW THE DETAILS ARE A LITTLE
COMPLEX. LET ME TRY TO EXPLAIN IT. OF
BILLIONAIRES, THERE'S THIS THING CALLED TAXES, AND YOU SHOULD PAY
ANY. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> THE PROPOSAL--<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> THE PROPOSAL ONLY AFFECTS PEOPLE
WITH $1 BILLION IN ASSETS OR THOSE EARNING MORE THAN
$100 MILLION IN INCOME THREE YEARS IN A ROW. OKAY, HERE'S A SIMPLE WAY TO SEE
IF IT AFFECTS YOU: TAKE YOUR SPARE SUPER YACHT TO YOUR THIRD
HOUSE THAT'S ON THE PRIVATE ISLAND SHAPED LIKE YOUR OWN
HEAD, LOOK IN YOUR GARAGE. IF THERE ISN'T A SPACESHIP IN
THERE, YOU'RE FINE. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
YOU HAD TO GO ALL THE WAY, YOU HAD TO DO ALL THAT
CALLING IT A "BILLIONAIRE INCOME TAX" WAS SMART BRANDING BY THE
DEMOCRATS, BECAUSE REPUBLICANS ARE GOING TO SOUND PRETTY OUT OF
TOUCH IF THEY OPPOSE IT, WHICH THEY IMMEDIATELY DID. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
TAKE UTAH SENATOR, AND DAD TELLING A SPOOKY STORY ABOUT A
MAN WITH "ONLY ONE HOOUUUSE! <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
MITT ROMNEY. SEE, CURRENTLY, BILLIONAIRES
ONLY PAY TAXES ON THE MONEY THEY MAKE FROM INVESTMENTS, LIKE
STOCK, AFTER THEY SELL THEM. BUT WYDEN WANTS TO CHANGE THAT,
AND ROMNEY THINKS THAT'S BAD FOR AMERICA. >> THESE PEOPLE ARE-- THE
MULTIBILLIONAIRES ARE GONNA LOOK AD SAY, "I DON'T WANT TO
INVEST IN THE STOCK MARKET, BECAUSE AS THAT GOES UP, I AM
GOING TO GET TAXED. SO MAYBE I WILL, INSTEAD, INVEST
IN A RANCH OR IN PAINTINGS OR THINGS THAT DON'T BUILD JOBS
THAT CREATE A STRONGER ECONOMY. >> Stephen: WHAT? <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
ARE YOU ACTUALLY SAYING RANCHES AND PAINTINGS DON'T CREATE JOBS? TELL THAT TO GARY'S FINE ART
EMPORIUM AND DUDE RANCH. COME ON IN AND LASSO A PICASSO! <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
WRANGLE A CHAGALL, Y'ALL! ROPE A STEER AND PEEP A VERMEER! YEEHAW! THOSE DEAD GUYS COULD DRAW! <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
NO WORD ON WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN WITH THIS, EXCEPT THAT
JOE MANCHIN IS AGAINST IT, SO IT'S DEAD. WHILE NOTHING ON HIS AGENDA WAS
GETTING DONE, THE PRESIDENT WAS IN VIRGINIA YESTERDAY STUMPING
IN THE GOVERNOR'S RACE FOR DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE TERRY
McAULIFFE, SEEN HERE LOOKING AT HIS POLL NUMBERS. THE RACE IS EXTREMELY CLOSE,
EXTREMELY CLOSE, SO BIDEN CAME IN WITH GUNS
BLAZIN' AGAINST MCAULIFFE'S OPPONENT. REPUBLICAN NOMINEE AND AND JARED
KUSHNER CLONE WHERE THEY FILLED IN THE GAPS WITH FROG D.N.A.,
GLENN YOUNGKIN. BIDEN QUESTIONED WHY YOUNGKIN'S
SUDDENLY SO SHY ABOUT HIS TIES TO THE FORMER PRESIDENT. >> HE WON'T ALLOW DONALD TRUMP
TO CAMPAIGN FOR HIM IN THIS STATE. WHAT'S HE TRYING TO HIDE? IS THERE A PROBLEM WITH TRUMP
BEING HERE? IS HE EMBARRASSED? >> Stephen: YES, IS HE
EMBARRASSED BY THE TANG-FACED, TROOP-INSULTING FASCIST WITH
RACCOON HAIR WHOSE SIGNATURE SCENT IS BURGER FART? <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
BIDEN WENT ON TO EXPLAIN HOW EVEN THOUGH YOUNGKIN APPEARS
UNTHREATENING, HE'S STILL TIED TO EXTREMISM. >> EXTREMISM CAN COME IN MANY
FORMS. IT CAN COME IN THE RAGE OF A MOB
DRIVEN TO ASSAULT-- DRIVE TO ASSAULT THE U.S. CAPITOL. IT CAN COME IN A SMILE AND A
FLEECE VEST. >> Stephen: HEY, DON'T DRAG
FLEECE VESTS INTO THIS! AS A MIDDLE-AGED MAN, I CAN TELL
YOU IT IS IMPOSSIBLE NOT TO SMILE WHEN YOU'RE SWADDLED IN
THE FUZZY EMBRACE OF SOME PATAGONIA. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> YOU'RE NOT TOO HOT, YOU'RE NOT
TOO COLD, YOUR CORE IS WARM, BUT YOUR ARMS ARE FREE TO ROAM. BUT THE REAL STAR OF THE SHOW
LAST NIGHT WAS TERRY McAULIFFE'S DANCE MOVES! LOOK AT THAT VANILLA SHAKE! OKAY, GOVERNOR, MAYBE DANCE LIKE
SOMEBODY IS WATCHING. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
THIS ISN'T THE ONLY TIME McAULIFFE HAS BACKED IT UP LIKE
A CAMPAIGN BUS. HE ALSO BOOGIED WITH BARACK,
DID WHATEVER THIS IS WITH KAMALA HARRIS, AND HERE HE IS LAST WEEK
ADVERTISING 0% A.P.R. FINANCING ON ALL NEW HONDA CIVICS. <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
THERE YOU GO! THERE YOU GO! IT'S A BREAKTHROUGH. FORTUNATELY, IF McAULIFFE LOSES
THE ELECTION, HE CAN ALWAYS GO BACK TO HIS DAY JOB AS FOUNDER
OF THE "FATHER OF THE BRIDE DANCE ACADEMY." "I PAID FOR THIS RECEPTION, AND
I'M GONNA HAVE A GOOD TIME!" <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
OH, THIS IS NICE, I LIKE SAYING THIS. THERE IS SOME GOOD COVID NEWS. LAST NIGHT, AN F.D.A. PANEL
OFFICIALLY RECOMMENDED COVID SHOTS FOR CHILDREN 5 TO 11. <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
YEAH, HEY. HEY, KIDS, GUESS WHO GETS TO GO
TO THE DOCTOR TWICE IN THE SPACE OF THREE WEEKS? AND DON'T WORRY, HE WILL STAB
YOU! NOW, PARENTS HAVE BEEN WAITING
FOR THIS FOR A LONG TIME, BUT IT TOOK A LONG TIME BECAUSE THESE
TRIALS WERE THOROUGH. THE F.D.A. REPORT INCLUDED EVERY
CHILD IN THE TRIAL EXPERIENCED, EVEN IF IT WAS TOTALLY UNRELATED
TO THE VACCINE. FOR INSTANCE, ONE KID SWALLOWED
A PENNY. SO NOW THAT KID IS IMMUNE TO
COVID AND VALID FOR ONE WISH IF YOU TOSS HIM INTO A WELL. <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
SURE, TOSS HIM INTO THE WELL. TOSS HIM INTO THE WELL! THERE'S ALSO A VACCINE UPDATE
FOR ADULTS. THE C.D.C. ANNOUNCED SOME
IMMUNOCOMPROMISED PEOPLE CAN GET A FOURTH COVID SHOT. SO FIRST IT WAS "YOU NEED TWO
SHOTS." THEN IT WAS "YOU NEED A
BOOSTER." NOW IT'S "YOU NEED A BOOSTER FOR
YOUR BOOSTER." NEXT, IT'S JUST PUTTING PEOPLE
IN THE VAXX BOOTH. SPEAKING-- SURE, SURE. SPEAKING OF COVID-- COVID. IT'S HAD SOME WEIRD,
UNPREDICTABLE IMPACTS ON THE ECONOMY, AND WE'RE LEARNING
ABOUT A NEW ONE. BETWEEN LABOR SHORTAGES AND
STUFF SHORTAGES, FOLKS HAVE SEEN AN ECONOMY-WIDE DECLINE IN
SERVICE QUALITY. FOR EXAMPLE, EVEN THOUGH DISNEY
WORLD'S BEEN REOPENED FOR MONTHS THEY HAVE YET TO RESTART THEIR
PARKING LOT TRAM SERVICES, FORCING VISITORS TO WALK NEARLY
A MILE TO ENTER THE PARKS. OF COURSE, THIS BEING DISNEY,
THEY'VE REBRANDED IT "SIMBA'S BOILING ASPHALT STROLL"<i>
( LAUGHTER )</i> <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
IT'S A LOT MORE FUN. IT'S ACTUALLY MORE FUN THAN YOU
THINK. >> Jon: OH, YEAH. I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT. >> Stephen: THIS INCREASED LEVEL
OF SUCKING IS HAPPENING EVERYWHERE. AIRLINES ARE PUTTING CUSTOMERS
ON HOLD FOR HOURS, AND DOMINO'S IS TAKING LONGER TO DELIVER
PIZZAS, FORCING AMERICANS TO WAIT MORE THAN 30 MINUTES FOR
DISAPPOINTMENT. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. EVEN HIGHWAY REST STOPS ARE
STRUGGLING TO KEEP UP THE SAME LEVEL OF SERVICE THAT THEY
HAD BEFORE. AND KEEP IN MIND, THE LEVEL OF
SERVICE THEY HAD BEFORE WAS "EVERYTHING SMELLS LIKE A
URINAL CAKE." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
BUT THIS PROBLEM IS A TWO-WAY STREET, BECAUSE FREQUENT SURVEYS
SUGGEST THAT RUDE SHOPPERS COULD BE FUELING THE LABOR
SHORTAGE. "WELL, WHO CONDUCTED THAT
SURVEY? I DEMAND TO SPEAK TO THEIR
MANAGER. NO ONE CALLS ME RUDE, AND
FURTHERMORE, NO YOU CALM DOWN OH, YOU'RE VIDEOTAPING? I'LL VIDEOTAPE YOU, TOO. THAT'S FINE. LOOK, WE'RE BOTH DOING IT. NO, NO, WRONG, NO. UH-UH! UH-HUH! NO, YOU'RE GOING TO BE INTERNET
FAMOUS." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
I'M SORRY, I SNAPPED. NOW, FOLKS I WANT TO LAY MY
CARDS ON THE TABLE HERE. I LOVE WORDS. THEY'RE MY FAVORITE PART OF
READING. AFTER SITTING. AND NOW THERE'S EVEN MORE OF
THEM, BECAUSE TODAY MERRIAM-WEBSTER ANNOUNCED THE
ADDITION OF 455 NEW WORDS AND MEANINGS. THAT'S SO MANY! I CAN BARELY KEEP UP WITH
THE ONES WE ALREADY HAVE. LIKE, DID YOU KNOW "RAVEL" AND
"UNRAVEL" MEAN THE SAME THING? THAT'S INSANE. OR SANE, SINCE EVERYTHING MEANS
THE SAME THING NOW! SOME OF THE NEW WORDS ARE
COVID-RELATED, LIKE "SUPERSPREADER," "BREAKTHROUGH,"
AND "VACCINE PASSPORT." DO WE REALLY HAVE TO ADD THOSE
DEPRESSING WORDS TO THE DICTIONARY? THAT FEELS SO PERMANENT. CAN'T WE JUST FORGET ABOUT THEM
WHEN THIS IS ALL OVER, LIKE WE DID WITH SCURVY, GAUCHO PANTS,
OR "SPACE JAM 2"? BUT THERE'S FUN-- YOU LIKE THE
"SPACE JAM" OVER THERE? YOU LIKE THE "SPACE JAM 2"? WE FOUND THE AUDIENCE. IT'S JOHN LAMPELY ON TRUMPET. YOU'RE THE GUY WHO WANTS TO GO
SEE IT. LOVED IT? BUT THERE'S FUN NEW WORDS, TOO. OTHER ENTRANTS INCLUDE
DAD BOD, AIR FRYER, AND FLUFFERNUTTER. WHICH IS A CRAZY COINCIDENCE,
BECAUSE THE REASON THAT I HAVE A DAD BOD IS THAT I AIR FRY WAY
TOO MUCH FLUFFERNUTTER. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> NOW-- NO, YOU CALM DOWN! IN AIRPORT NEWS-- ALSO KNOWN AS
HUDSON NEWS-- DELTA AIRLINES IS LAUNCHING NEW FACIAL-
RECOGNITION TECHNOLOGY FOR SECURITY LINES WITH THE T.S.A. BAD NEWS FOR SMUGGLERS WHO HIDE
COCAINE IN THEIR CHEEKS. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
HERE'S HOW IT WORKS. WHEN CUSTOMERS PASS THROUGH
SECURITY, THEIR IMAGE IS TAKEN, ENCRYPTED, AND SENT TO U.S. CUSTOMS AND BORDER PROTECTION'S
FACIAL BIOMETRIC MATCHING SERVICE. SO, NOW THEY'LL HAVE A PERMANENT
RECORD OF YOUR FACE AT ITS BEST: AFTER YOU WOKE UP AT 4:00 A.M.,
YELLED AT YOUR KIDS, AND STRESS ATE A CINNABON OVER A TRASH CAN. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> THERE'S ALSO-- THERE'S ALSO-- IS
THIS BREAKING? THERE'S ALSO A BREAKING CRIME
STORY. BECAUSE THIS WEEK, AUTHORITIES
SEIZED WHALE POOP WORTH $1 MILLION. WHOA! WHALE POOP IS WORTH A MILLION
DOLLARS? THAT EXPLAINS THAT SCENE IN
"MOBY DICK": >> NOW HEAR ME, YOU ARE TO LOOK
FOR A WHITE WHALE AND BRING ME HIS DOO-DOO! I'M-A MAKE IT RAIN! >> Stephen: NOW, WHY IS WHALE
POOP SO EXPENSIVE? TURNS OUT IT'S A VALUABLE
INGREDIENT IN PERFUMES. YES, YOU CAN FIND IT IN SCENTS
SUCH AS CHANEL NUMBER 2, AND DINGLEBERRY. AND WHO CAN FORGET THIS ICONIC
DIOR AD: ♪ ♪ ♪
>> AND YOU? WHAT WOULD YOU DO FOR WHALE
POOP! <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
>> Stephen: TO BE FAIR-- TO BE FAIR-- SURE. <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
TO BE FAIR, THERE IS SOME DEBATE ABOUT WHETHER IT'S ACTUALLY
POOP. BECAUSE, TECHNICALLY, WE'RE
TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING CALLED "AMBERGRIS," AND THERE ARE
CONFLICTING OPINIONS AS TO HOW AMBERGRIS EMERGES FROM THE
WHALE. SOME BELIEVE IT PASSES ALONG
WITH FECAL MATTER, WHILE OTHERS THINK THAT THE WHALE
REGURGITATES THE MASS AS WHALE VOMIT. WELL, WHICH IS IT? I NEED TO KNOW IF IT'S PUKE OR
POOP BEFORE I SPRITZ IT ON MY PULSE POINTS. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE ELIZABETH BANKS
AND "CSI: VEGAS" STAR JORJA FOX, BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, THE
HOTTEST NEW TREND IN ALCOHOL IS MORE ALCOHOL. ♪ ♪ ♪<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i>
