The Terrorists Who Attacked Congress At The President's Direction Came Prepared To Kill

hey everybody welcome to a late show i'm your host stephen colbert you know when i saw the events at the capitol last wednesday i was more upset than i can ever remember i think i said so on air and a lot of people have said to me since what about 9 11 stephen well yeah that is the most horrible day in america's history but i want to point out no americans were cheering for the terrorists back then no one was making excuses for the terrorists no one was pretending that they weren't terrorists and now that we've had some time to learn more and see more of what happened on that terrible day last week all i can think is oh stephen from last week you sweet naive child how could you have been so calm because this attack was far worse than it first looked the terrorists who stormed the capital weren't just a bunch of yahoos fed a steady diet of lies vape juice and monster energy drink this was a coordinated and planned attempt to terrorize if not kill our nation's elected leaders okay and and the prompter just says insert joke here can we get can we get a really good joke there super topical on point but really funny in heels a nation thank you because we're learning that those writers brought more than just stupid hats and patchy beards the chief of the capitol police who has since resigned was shocked by what he saw telling the washington post they came with ride helmets gas masks shields pepper spray fireworks climbing gear climbing gear explosives metal pipes baseball bats holy dicks sporting goods meanwhile at the george floyd protest this summer you they wouldn't let you bring a hoagie because it might make the police hangry oh but wait there's worse here's a for some reason under reported detail pipe bombs were found at both the dnc and rnc buildings which the former capitol police chief now suspects were an intentional effort to draw officers away from the capital perimeter that is some professional level insurgency tactics committed by homegrown terrorists on a jughead jihad they're ye hotties to understand the true horror that was perpetrated in our capitol building just look at graphic moments like these where rioters nearly crushed an officer to death who was stuck in a doorway and then grabbed another officer dragged him down the steps and proceeded to beat him with poles bearing the american flag while chanting usa so it's hard to pin down exactly what these idiots believe in black lives matter oh no blue lives matter yes but only if we're not currently trying to murder them with the stars and stripes it could have been even worse another terrorist was arrested after authorities searched his car and found 11 molotov cocktails and if any of you out there think it's wrong to call these people terrorists consider this you're wrong according to gop congressman peter meyer some republicans knew in their heart of hearts that they should have voted to certify biden's win but some had legitimate concerns about the safety of their families they capitulated to armed violent extremists well that's the gop's new motto we don't negotiate with terrorists we just give them what they want no surprise the people who survive this violent attack they're a little cranky this morning house democrats formally introduced an article of impeachment against the president so it's time for our i hoped i'd never see sequel don and the giant impeach too go fast we're furious you knew damn well i was a snake before you took me in now some people are saying why bother he's only got nine days left in office to them i reply he's got nine days left in office you can do a lot in nine days that's enough to create the entire universe and then take a three-day weekend for pete's sake six days ago the president had not yet inspired murder in the capital might have been a good idea to have peached him way back then but impeachment does take time time democracy may not have which is why house democrats introduce a resolution today that calls on mike pence to remove the president under the 25th amendment democrats and mike pence might make strange bedfellows but as long as mother's in the room it's kosher i mean it's not kosher but you get the idea so far mike pence appears to have a little appetite for going forward with that okay how do we increase his appetite have they tried slathering the 25th amendment with mayo and slapping him between two pieces of wonder bread now you'd think pence would be more into this idea considering what the writers were chanting [Applause] [Music] what part of hang mike pence does mike pence not understand it's his name and one verb either mike pence is unbelievably forgiving or he just gets off on erotic association either way he's living up to the immortal words of nathan hale i regret i have one life to give for the president who wants his followers to murder me by the way crowd if you're gonna hang mike pence you gotta catch him first but the veep hasn't entirely ruled out invoking the 25th reportedly pence wants to preserve the option in case the president becomes more unstable more unstable really uh mr dahmer we've been through your freezer and we are deeply disturbed by what we found i'm letting you off with a warning this time but if we see any signs that you're feeling snacky there will be serious consequences anyway sorry to interrupt your dinner pence isn't the only republican looking to give the president a pass so as house minority leader and man pointing to where his balls used to be kevin mccarthy on friday mccarthy argued impeaching the president with just 12 days left in his term will only divide our country more well maybe our country needs to be divided by prison glass we can still talk kevin but you're going to want to pick up the little phone first now what kev needs to realize is that you if you flirt with fascism long enough before you know it you're married with two kids adolph and benito and hey all you hand-wringing hypocrites everyone wants the united states to be united it's kind of our thing you know one nation under god indivisible but speaking of god what i learned in sunday school is that in order for there to be reconciliation there must first be repentance that's why you don't begin confession with bless me father i've done nothing wrong antifa coveted my neighbor's wife who can blame him look at the can on her another republican deep in denial is missouri senator and man with resting joker face roy blunt yesterday blunt was on the nation face and explained we don't need to impeach the president because he's learned his lesson now my personal view is that the president touched the hot stove on wednesday and is unlikely to touch it again unlikely now i'm not going to say there's no chance that who will use his personal army of paramilitary terrorists to overthrow the government but you know 60 40. let's roll the dice together america come on daddy needs a panic room under the rotunda snake by the way he's unlikely to touch the hot stove again the president isn't exactly famous for not touching things he shouldn't may i remind you really boy the potus didn't just incite a crowd to riot the president was deeply involved in the planning of the rally sending multiple tweets encouraging his followers to come to washington on january 6th and promising be there will be wild he didn't touch the hot stove he rented an apartment he bought a stove he installed it he stuffed it with oily rags he turned on the gas ripped out the smoke alarm invited all of his friends over and threw in a lit match saying true patriots go touch that stove if you need me i'll be at home watching it all on tv while pleasuring myself with a double cheeseburger he hasn't been impeached yet but the president has suffered some consequences on friday citing the risk of him fomenting more violence twitter banned the president permanently oh damn a lifetime twitter ban has got to sting they took away his precious according to a senior administration official when he found out the president went ballistic a troubling description of a man who still has the nuclear codes i mean he blew up he want defcon4 his anger detonated in a white flash of light and then mushroomed out destroying everything in its path i guess what i'm saying is the fat man acted like a little boy then the president went into full weasel mode first he tried to tweet from the official at potus account but twitter swiftly deleted those tweets so he slithered over to the official twitter account for the president's campaign but his campaign's twitter account was then suspended now he's just getting kaylee mcinney to write his tweets on poster board and hold them out by the underpass but twitter isn't the only social media site that wants nothing to do with our president he's also been banned or restricted from a bevy of other platforms including facebook snapchat instagram reddit and even twitch what are you waiting for pornhub the president can't even turn to alt-right cesspools because parlor has been shut down after amazon kicked the website off its servers now for those of you who don't know what parlor is first of all must be nice second it's twitter but all trolls it's like a thanksgiving dinner where the whole table is just racist uncles in addition to its website being taken down parlor also suffered a blow the previous day when apple and google removed the parlor app from their app stores which led to a certain chip off the old turd to complain about a left-wing conspiracy does anyone think it's a total coincidence that literally the day that twitter bans the president of the united states permanently from their platform that the that apple really it's not just the app store but that apple uh wants to ban parlor no no one thinks that's a coincidence after a murderous attempted coup egged on by the president and his followers on social media social media shut him down it's not a coincidence it's a consequence i know it's hard for you to recognize it because you've never faced one before so after being shut out of every social media app the president has now suggested building his own platform i don't know if that's a great idea the president has a really hard time with platforms but it's not just social media that wants to unfriend the president in the wake of wednesday's presidentially sanctioned terror attack the organizers of the pga championship canceled plans to hold the event at the president's bedminster new jersey golf club in 2022 that's got to hurt i mean the president loves golf more than he's loved any of his wives it's way easier to cheat on and you rarely end up with an accidental eric a spokesman said it's become clear that conducting the pga championship at the president's bedmister golf course would be detrimental to the pga of america brand so up until now the pga thought trump was fine for their brand i guess that explains their 2016 promotional slogan the pga grab em by the putter we've got a great show for you tonight chris rock is here stick around [Music] [Applause] you

Channel: The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Views: 4,600,382

Keywords: The Late Show, Late Show, Stephen Colbert, Steven Colbert, Colbert, celebrity, celeb, celebrities, late night, talk show, comedian, comedy, CBS, joke, jokes, funny, funny video, funny videos, humor, hollywood, famous

Id: Bds-DQlZvVs

Length: 12min 48sec (768 seconds)

Published: Tue Jan 12 2021