Mock The Week's Scenes We'd Like to See (Series 14 Cut)

now we come to scenes we'd like to see so if everyone can make their way over to the performance area I'll read at this week's topics and then we'll see what our panelists can come up with okay here we go the first subject is commercials that never made it to air fungal foot problem have you been injured in an accident that wasn't your fault of course you have because that is a definition of an accident FIFA summer sofa sale total office clear out bribe now pay later and Rik's cuz who wouldn't want to wipe their ass with a puppy Carlsberg don't do your girlfriend but I have wah Yan I got some bad news about your dad why pay more for ratchet trifling-ass pilots when you can get to where you're going on easyJet a basic [ __ ] will get you there we call it a happy meal the cow we killed wasn't too chuffed up Waitrose two for the price of three we had debts all over the place but Wonka took all those debts and put them in one simple loan they also took a house are your vet's bills getting on top of you then why not try dog nataas want to save money on biscuits easy give blood from the buret wah Garnier Paris cuz if we said it was from unit five of a Luton Industrial Estate you wouldn't buy it we do struggling to sleep why not try ten cans of Stella did you mistake your girlfriend for a burger on Valentine's Day then you need to go to Specsavers I can't breathe I can't breathe the links effect that one's accent is a bit more racist than that one's accent there you go just compared the meerkats okay the next other gears lines you wouldn't hear in the sci-fi movie hi is that NHS Direct yeah I'm a bit of a temperature and I've got an alien coming out of my stomach to paracetamol okay I'll give me the Zulu set course for the fourth quadrant to the Orion Nebula I think there's a Nando's there we're sorry to announce that there is a replacement beam down service this weekend between the ship and the planets flug you've got to imagine this in a Scottish accent this is our Independence Day they abducted us and took us to their spacecraft and then they explored our bodies with strange probes I'll be honest it was a best Stagner I'd ever been on this man can now reach the full potential of his brain Joey Joey wake up you can tie your shoes REME what the people don't know Captain Kirk is that when I do that V thing that means in Vulcan I've had your mum I think this time tunnel is broken we have done a thousand years into the future and bruce forsyth is still working if you take the red pill you will enter the matrix if you take the blue pill you will have a boner for seven hours this is it the machines are taking over hashtag apocalypse yeah let's look at it my problem is juror nano boosters are shot in your warp drive is [ __ ] our planet is dying we seek a new home which of you is Phil and which of you is Kirstie the dinosaurs are killing everyone why don't we keep reopening this park who came skinniest Public Liability and so the plan is you get in the time machine go back in time and [ __ ] block Hitler's dad phone home phone in Joan no things you wouldn't hear on a survival show this is the most terrifying animal you can see in the wild it has the body of posh spice of course if you're on an expedition you must always make sure you boil all the water now this can really slow you down if you come to a lake it's been 17 days since my last proper meal and I am beachbody ready [ __ ] bear are you related to George Foreman grills I've not had a bath for days on end and that's because Rob Beckett's dad is there is barely any water here so we've been collecting our urine but this morning some of it was gone and that is taking the piss spent three days in the jungle with nothing to eat but raw caterpillars I remember the moment I walked back into civilization for there are a few butterflies in my stomach I can tell when I was thirsty I was forced to drink my own urine I'm now hungry and dreading dinner and when you're in the wild you've got to remember what you learn at scouts don't tell anyone our little secret well night is falling it's raining and I'm in the shelter but it still feels dangerous here there are six teenagers staring at me and the bus doesn't arrive for twenty minutes if you suddenly see a bear extremely close to you the best thing to do stand Stockstill pull down your trousers and just let it have sex with you on the men's island Derek's drinking coconut water because Derek's our hipster [ __ ] after three months totally alone on the island it's amazing that Jon hasn't gone mad isn't that right John yeah too soon so I've managed to make a raft to escape the island by smashing up some boats the next topic is unlikely things to hear over a ton I ladies and gentlemen good afternoon and welcome to wait Rose you smug rich pricks this is not a drill I repeat this is not a drill would somebody please go to the power tools aisle and get me a drill if you see an unattended bag please don't report it remember you're in world of luggage good evening ladies top shop will be closing in five minutes please make your way to the till unless you're over 30 in which case piss off - where - you ancient old hag this is announcement for the front desk of these swimming baths could doctor someone's stash it in the pool please come to reception would the couple having sex in aisle two please stop spillage in aisle two the 16:25 has unfortunately been cancelled and it's been replaced by replacement bus service easyJet would like to apologize passengers are going to Greece I only work in the post office for the crumpet watch this widow number two please in tonight's performance of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang the part of the child catcher will be played by a 1970s TV presenter welcome to sexy stairways I'm just going to pop on the seat belt sign for a moment because we're swapping to a lady pilot we are now coming in to land in Russia where the local time is 1956 ah welcome aboard the one-way saga service special to Switzerland let's travel off attention to the submarine crew of hms Nando's be careful not to burn your eyes on the peri-peri scope lost children can be found at the lost children tent if they're not claimed by the end of the day they will be destroyed welcome to mega bus things haven't worked out quite as well as you are whenever welcome to the sexist supermarket checkout number three unlikely film trailers a man a man who only wants one thing strepsils in his toughest assignment yet Peter Parker has to pick a peck of pickled pepper cool drama intrigue romance gardening spoons all these in other words in dictionary the moving all your favorite administrators are back in human resources to this time its personnel when a hairpiece gets possessed by the devil there'll be hell to pay he loves sex but he has no arms which position will he choose missionary impossible if you see one film this year then you're probably a new parent it was a love story that crossed the species barrier he was a man she was a cow coming soon beef encounter coming soon a 3d film where you don't get bored halfway through a lip at the glasses just to see what the screen looks like without it every year I love you more starring Michael Jackson and Benjamin Button coming soon a story of premature ejaculation the grand Budapest hotel brilliant The Times 5 stars The Guardian the beds weren't made Trip Advisor part man part machine part bird part drum it's Roy bye Bongo cuckoo cop and very much a group of Greeks try to get away with our money chicken run my dad's pictures presents your man I know him from something anyway him and a woman I think she was in here maybe with house she was definitely a doctor join forces to fight I know him he's got awful old looking hasn't he it's the bromance of the year ed and David Miliband star in what the [ __ ] was the point of that then okay things you wouldn't hear on the radio mime I'm sorry for that small pause just at the end of that record they're only my [ __ ] took slightly longer than I expected ah this is top DJ's at the 1970s prison radio has never sounded so good a hideous car crash has occurred at the end of the a19 it's called Doncaster I never shipping forecast issued by the Met Office at two three four three on Saturday the 8th it's going to piss it down you're listening to BBC wiltshire because your car radio has not reception to what you were listening to and next up on the archers there's an axe murderer on the loose not really someone has an argument with their housekeeper Travel News a coach load of origami enthusiasts has broken down on the m1 and they're all currently sat on the hard shoulder making paper models of cars traffic is described as stationary you're listening to saga radio you're listening little Aldi later Tesco this concludes the shopping forecast have you been injured at work maybe you should turn the radio off and concentrate properly on what you're doing but you're dead we're all dead we've all been dead from the beginning you've been listening to the final ever episode of The Archers next up on gardeners question time I'd be trying not to laugh like a schoolboy when a woman falls in with a problem about her box hedge this is local radio it's 4:00 a.m. and no one's listening let's play say something racist roulette due to tomorrow's BBC strike tomorrow's Today program will be today's today program but called yesterday sometimes when you listen to the radio there's a there's a tune that you can't gonna have your head plays again and again and again sort of gets faster and faster unlikely greeting cards roses are red violets are blue sorry you're dead what can you do sorry you're leaving and sorry to break it to you in such a cowardly fashion happy Father's Day whoever you are wherever you are roses are red violets are red the greenhouse is red I think I'm bleeding to death at this difficult time I'm thinking of you wearing suspenders and a mouth I saw this and thought of you blank inside my feelings can't be put into words although the judge did describe them as inappropriate that was escaped congratulations on your circumcision congratulations you did it and we'll prove it a Crown Prosecution Service it's a girl not a woman which is why you're going to prison with deepest sympathies for the loss of your grandmother / happy housewarming you've passed away 21 years and this time you'll probably die in prison to our darling son on your 21st birthday now get the [ __ ] out of our house please help me I'm trapped inside a North Korean card Factory also Ironman says happy fourth birthday monkeys are red violets are blue when you go down and we please don't chew okay the next topic is things you wouldn't hear on a science documentary the dinosaurs were wiped out by giant asteroid silly them for all standing in the same place does it burn anything other than Bunsen he named the star after himself and now we find ourselves looking at Arthur cockmonster the third so it glows in the dark and it has a half-life of a thousand years frankly I've never done a poo like it on today's show we'll be talking about the Jurassic period where only dinosaurs and bruce forsyth roamed the earth he's older for Sarah Palin it's conclusive proof that man and dinosaur existed together for everybody else The Flintstones is just a cartoon next biology why is that gorilla so sexy let the proton see the electron scientists in Loughborough found the formula to make the perfect cup of tea which is quite controversial as the grant nurse for AIDS research you've been watching me Richard Dawkins good night and God bless see and the problem with cocaine is it's well moreish well we could ask a proper scientist about this or we could ask taro Breen hello my name's Dora Breen and to try and bring science to the masses I'm going to appear in a program with Stephen Hawking wearing a ridiculous hat yeah getcha just enough with just you know I love that hat for you hello I'm Dora green I've got a massive head and a massive brain but all I get to do in this bit is just place a little puzzle mr. Obree n-- i award you a PhD phenomenal head Dora I would just like to say that I think Dora brings a legend I work with Dara o breeze and today my experiment is to turn this joke into a p45 unlikely things for a sports commentator to say embarrassing humiliating bringing shame on the sport welcome to Wimbledon today with me Clare Balding and it all comes to this after years of training and preparation I'm commentating on the poxy water polo Mo Farah has apologised for his association with substances that the British public regard as abhorrent and has said he will never advertise corn again welcome back to the golf where Tiger Woods apparently travels with two inflatable sex dolls now in case he gets a hole-in-one and he's found a chocolate biscuit down the back of the sofa but he's not going to celebrate because it's his old club and he's resting two balls on the cushion there which is why he won't be allowed back into Ikea and he pops the cork and he's spraying everyone with champagne welcome to the first conservative budget since 1996 here we are at the crucible all burning to death well that one is the speed skating and now crack cocaine curling the American and the Russian are out in front and here comes the Finn yes they're going to swim a lot faster now the shark is chasing them and so they've brought up a curtain around the horse that fell earlier but no we've got good news he's moved to a farm in the countryside well here we are on the rugby league it's tough manage better than rugby union and at the same time ever so slightly more gay and this decisions go into a touch judge and yes it's sexual harassment well this is his third attempt with a bar at this height no still can't get served and here come the two red balls which is what you'll need to keep yourself awake during Formula One I'm joined here by building or Alan sharer as he likes to be known like an ER now on supersoft the viagra simply not working and if you want to find out what this function key on the keyboard does join us after the break on f1 and after the break join me Clare Balding presenting everything I present everything now everything is mined everything okay the next topic is unlikely things to hear on a gardening program there's something about eating food that's come from your own garden this is quite a hearty stew I've made out of a squirrel I shot with an air rifle well to answer your question I tend to keep mine on a holes real but then I'm very lucky down there these pine trees smell suspiciously of air freshener my advice would be don't splash out on expensive gnomes do what I do and just simply varnish some small children I found playing in the park I call this my Blue Peter garden because it's the first place that I blue Peter remember the trick is to get your pitchfork right through it before you take it and throw it back over the fence well we've had a letter from mrs. Smith of Epsom who's asked us to identify something that she is found in our garden well mrs. Smith there's a dog turd and I've got a letter here from Maureen in Doncaster who's asking a question about herbes in response to your letter Maureen I would recommend about 200 pounds for an ounce and if it's really good [ __ ] 300 oh that is the wheelbarrow and tomorrow I'll show you another sexual position so it's a quite simple to take up an old patio all you do is lip just leave it [ __ ] up by ever again I woke up with a field of aubergines the other day I thought none of these baby seals have faces right welcome to the UK garden SOT the lawns let's concentrate on them borders say could use a lawn mower or strimmer although I would recommend waxing take the shovel or sit right down like that save your fortune in vet fees having a put-down Hey I've been attacked by pineapples I like [ __ ] my herbs now the vertical order he would say to me how do you find the time Isis area next to the sage unlikely lines for blockbuster movie I cannot hold open the cup holder until she cools down Luke I am your father I think your mom went for out free stormtroopers before me good use lord Vader the rebels have voted 55 to 45 to stay within the Empire I am Thor protector of Asgard god of thunder and I have lost my hammer krutel where in this wix can I buy a new one nobody puts Baby in a coma is it raining I hadn't noticed and now over to Stuart with the sport the right Frodo this is an unexpected journey we're on a replacement bus service you know I never liked Private Ryan I say fuck'em in a dystopian future one lone man emerges intent on destruction for more on the budget tuning to news I attend say hello to my little friend this is Warrick Davis I see dead people all the time I work at Dignitas in all the Wetherspoons in all the world he had to walk into mine Wow fella answer to the name of Daraa so that recognize him from the back of a mega bus this is the furthest out reaches of the universe Alpha Centauri how did they get to host the World Cup are you looking at me are you looking at me it's just very difficult to tell you got a lazy eye I'm afraid it's bad news Dumbledore the Ofsted inspectors have arrived they brought the dinosaurs back to life welcome to the Best Exotic Marigold Hotel what's wrong Batman well Robins dead a Catwoman just dragged him in and tore his guts out liftin at the foot of me bed and man it's me deck man topic is unlikely things to hear on a travel program look at these wide sandy beaches fantastic and we're almost certainly a bowler has now gone and the most wonderful thing about a trip to China is you get the opportunity to meet the child that made your trousers yeah I said it Southend is a lot like Las Vegas it's the only other place in the world we can pay for sex with chips this is Taiwan I've given him a number cuz I can't pronounce his name problem I'm Danny Dyer and welcome to Italy's quaintest vineyards now if you are traveling to America remember to pack some anti sickness tablets because this is where Piers Morgan lives running cycling rock climbing you'll do anything to get out of this [ __ ] the accommodation the weather the food all of these wonderful things help you to forget how smelly the locals are yeah I said it today we got a flavor of Thailand with just a little bit of a rack I'm in a branch of Thai Rak this week I'm in Kyrgyzstan answering your questions like how do you spell us and where the [ __ ] is it so here we are in Lewisham now it is a very impoverished area but there's a lot to see and do if what you like seeing and doing is crying this truly is the best way to see Portsmouth while looking at a picture of it when you're in Paris I'm almost certain my producer has got this wrong I'm on a train to Layton with a load of football fans this is the Orient Express something about travel yes this is Keflavik one of Iceland's oldest geezers you're right when you arrive why not try island-hopping was also known as Riverdance when you travel it's important to immerse yourself in the culture so here I am Amalia being fingered outside the lemon flag unlikely things to hear on breakfast TV you're watching breakfast TV because the chemist won't have your valium ready until mid-morning breakfast news now a man is drowned in the bowl of Cheerios sadly and ironically his family didn't get a chance to say goodbye this is BBC Breakfast look at it that's meant to be a sausage now if you didn't see earlier on we had steps and that's why we interviewed Stephen Hawking outside state for Jeremy Kyle today's teeth count is three the world of show business has suffered another tragic loss but don't worry it's one of the ones you already thought was dead a lot of people ask me how I stay awake at this time well you know what they say early to bed crack cocaine in the morning today we're looking at the world's biggest birthday car no a man's in it if you've been affected by any of the issues in today's Jeremy Kyle show then fold us up you're the sort of freak we need to get on tomorrow later on we'll be meeting a man who has to go through 50 steps before he can orgasm all that to come is channel 5 it's 5:00 a.m. and I am going to sack my agent well it's time for the traffic news now here on Christian breakfast time so let's go over to our eye in the sky god if you hear a knock at your door you could be the winner of 20,000 pounds two knocks and it's a police raid hide the guns now we're going over to the kitchen where chef Tony will be cooking up an excuse for why he's been texting my wife next up on channel 4 breakfast is a brand new homegrown British sitcom only joking it's everyone loves [ __ ] rain well let's take a look at the traffic there it is Brum Brum well I'm looking forward to this one in the studio we've got the new doctor who accidentally killed someone they're that kinda gave lines you wouldn't read in a romantic novel the dark stranger emerged from the sea his wet clingy against his muscular torso soon she held him and said the words had been dying to say for ages I'm UK Border Patrol in you're under arrest she felt every part of his eight inches he was stiff absolutely Richard and even in her innocence she knew her hamster was dead he felt a swelling down there shouldn't have tried to bang a beehive he took her hand in his and squeezed it now he thought I wonder where the rest of her body is I want to roleplay I'll be a prince from a mythical land and you be your sister he cupped her breasts and put her ass in a bowl she was into really weird [ __ ] you could make love she said or vole he replied looking up from there game of Scrabble she felt her bosom heaving as mr. Darcy came ever closer blimey you said you don't get many of them to the pal he croaked her hand he held it tightly and they skipped off through the fields of daffodils and it was at that moment she thought he might be a little bit gay he looked at the tattoo of Chinese writing on her back he didn't know what it meant but he did know she'd put out on a first date Jeremy Corbyn you've got me blindfolded what are you gonna do now nothing I just wanted to highlight the injustice of inmates detained at camp x-ray without a fair trial why why does it end like this she said childhood accident Hublot I crossed it in the trails of prison the debutantes paraded in the ballroom in front of the rich landowners and the master of ceremonies proudly proclaimed let the Darcys fondle the our season Margaery I'm going to kiss you like you've never been kissed before of course I've seen a black penis before she said just never attach to a white man rejected exam questions history did I delete it if cycling ten miles a day uses up 400 calories explain why Boris Johnson is still a fat bastard if the Sun is 93 million miles away how can that cost 32 pounds in an uber where is Greece today the southern Mediterranean or be up [ __ ] creek what does the French phrase DejaVu literally translate as using examples of Michelangelo's work write 500 words on why he was the best turtle what does the French phrase DejaVu question a media studies is it a real subject question be easy using a compass and ruler draw perfect [ __ ] and balls is this a rhetorical question you may now commence your anal sex exam please turn over explain how you KITT became a major force in British politics without using the word wanker if jay-z is unfortunate enough to have a problem with a [ __ ] how many problems does jay-z now have aggravated violence question 1 why might you use a bit of rubber hose pipe no marks what color is this dress white and gold or black and blue disguise if a train leaves the station at the correct time and arrives at his destination at the correct time how cool would that be chemistry me you is there any next up against unlikely thing to say when running for US president I'm Hillary Clinton and if you elect me the first female president of the United States I promise you that on my first day in the White House I will hire a very attractive male intern he will be on his knees not having sexual relations with me all day hashtag payback hashtag long game I want to go to Washington right I want to see what color the White House is no we can't the name Clinton is in the DNA of the White House in fact the DNA of tintin on the walls of the wife I know the value of family because I sold one of my children to pay for this campaign as president I will welcome immigrants because the White House is massive and it's not gonna clean itself I will govern for all of this country not just the metropolitan cities on the coast but also you cousin shaggers dancer I would like to introduce you to my new homeland security adviser say hi Lambchop how come on of course I'm the guidance in seed Obama you know what they say once you go black if you are like me America's first colorblind president I will do everything I can to uphold the values of the brown white and green oh now like dog do you people in a language my own devising I want to put more boots on the ground in Afghanistan and also two more branches of Paper Chase but you must remember is the people we need to convince show the great American people and most of them are s thickest picture I like to apologize mr. Trump is what I say when I've just farted in bed when I was little I did not plan to be President of the United States this is more like a holding job until I get to rule a good country I am American through and through cut me and I will shoot you in the face ah I wish to have no secrets in this campaign I wish to be completely open then it is done that is why I'm going to start that again because I have [ __ ] that up we Republicans want to reach out to all Americans blacks whites chinesey looking ones I want to have no secrets in this campaign and that is why I have gathered you here tonight to tell you I shot JFK unlikely things to hear on a consumer program dear Ann the other day I was changing my baby's nappy and he weed right in my face does this mean I can make a pee-pee I claim well the toilets wasn't connected and there was no water coming out of the taps and that's the last time I have a poo in the showroom at being cute an important recall announcement now as it transpires a large shipment of party poppers was mistakenly packaged as tampons bad news for electricity consumers n power has been bought by n-dubz critics say Botox is too expensive but we spoke to 50 people who just paid for the treatment and none of them looked surprised mr. Jones got a nasty rash from his new blanket good job he kept the receipts unfortunately it doesn't cover as much as his body it's not half as warm when they came home to find saloon doors and six Dead's Native Americans they knew they were the victim of cowboy builders firstly we'd like to apologize for the mispronunciation on last week's show and particularly to those people who as a result have invested all of their life savings in Isis the house was haunted and when he refused to pay the 200 pounds for the exorcism it was repossessed be a watchdog I bought these pork scratchings but they all taste a bit David Cameron eats the kids were left shocked frightened in tears so our advice if you're hiring a face painter don't book a surrealist a word advice for anyone that wants to buy shares in the company that makes Toblerone this is a pyramid scheme if you've been tempted to go abroad for cheap boob jobs you might reconsider after hearing about Sally who came back from Thailand and discovered her implants had been filled with helium and now they've gone tits up okay you're next up against lies you wouldn't hear in a kid's film why are you crying mummy shed pepper well said what did Cameron do to you babe but why are we going this way said Bilbo well said Gandalf we've got to find some way of stretching this [ __ ] to three films it's bad news Dorothy the Cowardly Lion has been shot by an American dentist and here come Lala tinky-winky and Poe or the shadow cabinet as are also known it's bad news Pumbaa Simba has been shot by an American dentist here comes Captain Hook who turned to piracy after his benefits were stopped no James that isn't a giant peach that's Nicki Minaj walking away from us Edmund Lucy bad news I have a Potter it's me your friend Ron Weasley don't look a little bit like that James a tester we saw on Mock the Week hey here's a good idea let's go to all of his gigs and shout Ron Weasley at him in the audience cuz no one's ever done that before hello we're the railway children except on Sundays when we're known as the bus replacement children once a year there is an event called The Hunger Games or a son call it London Fashion Week half grizzly bear and half Buffalo The Gruffalo was the biggest scariest animal in the whole wood until one day he got a job presenting Mock the Week Nimmo me no Nanny McPhee I've got bad news we're replacing you with nanny max maulavi from Belarus and her be a VW Beetle I falsified my emissions tests so I can see we film the whole movie over Skype which is why we call it frozen the wonderful thing about Tiggers is we can disembark Iselle in ten seconds unlikely things for a sports commentator to say and that's a wonderful sleight of hand from the Welsh fly-half he's picked up the loose ball he's tucked it back in his shorts and nobody seems to have noticed I can say Nico Rosberg helmet ah apologies after 15 years in this job I've just been told it's not pronounced croquette and after that victory they'll be dancing on the street of Samoa tonight 100 meters in 4 hours 26 minutes and that is meter reading and it's very bent now garry kasparov he's going to move his pawn and he's done it just in time his wife's home but he's got it under the mat welcome to beach volleyball the players are currently getting changed into their kits while their mums hold a towel up in front of them and shane warne will be laughing on the other side of his face after that surgery like to apologize what you're watching is in fact judo and not as I said earlier timed pajama cuddling this should be relatively easy for Rory McIlroy Oh how has he done that all he had to do was say get a Santander one two three Kasparov toying with his Bishop and she's caught him ah that pot was remarkable but now I've got a major case of the munchies we just like to refute the idea that the BBC has lost coverage rights of all good sports we now cross to a girl playing noughts and crosses against a clown what's the thrill in cricket match left hand big right hand right hand again big left hand why has no one put these gloves in pairs what the [ __ ] is a furlong okay the next traffic is unlikely things for a continuity announcer to say on itv2 next what Katie did next which I'm guessing is get a tits out and marason thick prick for publicity purposes I can see you a very special episode of songs of praise now coming live from Stringfellow's that was Game of Thrones and if you're affected by any of the issues raised in that show what the [ __ ] is wrong with your family is masturbation bad for you that's not the next program I'm just thinking aloud mixed up baking and entering with Anthony Laurel Thompson next up Ross Kemp meets one of America's toughest gangs but before that a minute's silence for Ross Kemp no dad this is [ __ ] hey get one of the eggheads win now on channel 4 one born every minute including graphic scenes of childbirth that some viewers may find inspiration to get a coil and now on channel 4 skins for skins next up on Channel four plus one minus 2/3 take them next up we have literally the only episode of Top of the Pops - were allowed to show that was Mock the week wasn't it weird when one of them said the exact same thing I'm saying right now still talented fella next up on BBC wait a minute those hippos swimming in a circle what why are we watching homes under the hammer now it's one of those X Factor episodes where they sing next to a swimming pool I presume to prepare them for a life singing on cruise ships you're watching the adults Anna plus one cuz that viagra is taking a while to kick in well next up it's Midlands today so if you're watching in the Orkneys you can [ __ ] off things you wouldn't hear on a news program and the markets are as followed free pattern loose bananas douchey stroke well he went in half an hour ago and he still hasn't come out so I can only assume he's having a very big poo sad news now Wally has been found his funerals next week no one knows where but that's what he would have wanted as I stand here in this village where the water is ridden with disease and human faeces we have to ask ourselves one question why did I choose to wear flip-flops sorry sorry I just I just wanted to check something I'm standing just a stone's throw from where the meeting is taking with thousands dead that looks like no end to the bloodshed I've been Hollywood the BBC reporting for midsummer welcome to Fox News the bastards have been through the pins again and [ __ ] on the drive and the Italian wing of Hein soup has been put in to administer oniy I'm on the scene where the search continues for the beloved pantomime star what's that he's where the fighting here has been drawn out and bloody but I have finally got my microphone back from that bastard at Sky News we cross live now to the Kings Road where Josette Mourinho has no trousers or pants on and he's telling the pigeons it's the referees fault and we've got Barry chuckle on the scene of the crime Barry to you it's not good news I've just been talking to the American ambassador and I said to him surely now a sama bin Laden has gone from terrorist to martyr he said we say tomato is there sexism at the BBC let's our Sally Johnson who's our lovely smiles and pretty cakes correspondence this is the first time I have reported from the Pamplona bull run [ __ ] hell okay the next topic is unlikely I can the antlers dear dear dree why does semen make you fat dear dear dree I have spent the last six months living with a beautiful woman but yesterday she found out dear dear jury I swear Eastern European meerkats are trying to sell me car insurance am I going mad dear dear dreams last time I wrote to you you told me that there was nothing wrong with masturbation why then yesterday did I get thrown off the bus my girlfriend's livid because I got drunk and did a [ __ ] on the roof please tell me how can I wipe the slate clean I have terrible trust issues please help me Deirdre if that's your real name dear dear jury my husband is pressurizing me to try Allen also how do I turn off predictive text dear Deirdre I have just bought a diesel VW and I am fuming my wife wants us to experiment in the bedroom but last time we did that the Bunsen burner singed my pubes dear dear jury I can only achieve orgasm by writing a letter do you think good oh it doesn't matter dear dear dream how do I turn off caps lock dear Deirdre I'm not going to beat around the bush is there any other tips on satisfy my wife as we own our own business my wife and I often make love at work and we'd love to try new positions tomorrow I'm finance director then she's head of IT fear dear jury I have a mole on the end of my penis how much trouble am I in with the RSPCA yeah you

Channel: mindlessgonzoALT

Views: 3,432,407

Keywords: mock the week, scenes we'd like to see

Id: YLgKXSC-1eQ

Length: 71min 46sec (4306 seconds)

Published: Mon Jun 27 2016