Mock The Week's Scenes We'd Like To See (Series 17 Cut)

[Applause] [Music] you've seen without disease if everyone can make the way over to the performance area I'll read at this week's topics and then we'll see what I panelist can't come up with Oh Carrie here we go the first subject is commercials that never made it to air trouble with your nerves don't move to Salisbury special offer must end soon Ant & Dec buy two get one southern rail on time every time husband he was running a fever jump and the endless lovely fudge and it passed away and now I've got no husband real Scottish Widows toast because you're not allowed to pour melted butter directly into your mouth hope alone for those friends you remember right at the last second [Applause] rhymin they're changing their name in the northeast they're going to be called right man can't decide between LSD and magic mushrooms will read all our views of hallucinogenics on TripAdvisor once a blush that lasts all day watch 50 shades of grey with your nan black and considering Dignitas why not save your money and come to America approach a police officer for more information ever wanted to eat a novelty sized pencil eraser try halloumi and now the homemade pizza that's so easy anyone can do it pizza piss I'm gas this is lucky a winner new hosts excited I take away your noon frosty cereal for people with Tourette's syndrome their grandmother [ __ ] we're not just making people redundant we're making MNS people redundant ladies feel more confident with tenor lady you're in safe hands cars because sometimes horses are just two men in the costume heavy periods wounds are the women's things right now the men aren't listening the revolution starts at dawn hi I'm Kevin Bacon please kill me next week at Asda we are arresting ourselves to sexual assault things you wouldn't hear in a medical exam so we have successfully removed all of the excessive unsightly fatty matter but I'm afraid all that's left is the wig mrs. Trump I'm just going to remove my finger from your bottom thank you nurse now would you serve the patient dear and how many units would you say you drink a week Oh for two I'll just write absolute lightweight mr. Reiss MOG you must be in for your bill endoscopy now you may feel a slight itching sensation because I forgot to put my gloves on and I'm absolutely riddled yeah when you pick a prescription do me a favor deliver this message pharmacist Inc doctors rule well I've done your rectal exam and your tonsil exam and I have very bad news I didn't wash my hands in between you're constipated well that's because you've only got three weeks to live only joking but you're not constipated anymore I am it was a six-month waiting list because of all the immigrants now that they've gone back home it's an 18-month waiting list turns out they were all the staff okay so the deal is I don't tell your husband it's not his baby and you don't tell anyone that when you came in here I was using my stethoscope to listen to my own butt I'm afraid you have two rather nasty looking moles on your back but more worrying than that is the aggressive looking ferret in your ass doctor doctor I feel like a pair of curtains pull yourself together Oh God mental disorder that's so inconsiderate classics are classics [Applause] career first the stupidest one so far I would shake your hand doctor but I still would have a stool sample well we've x-rayed you madam and I don't quite know how to say this you've swallowed a whole baby oh that's nice it says here you've got a trophy Oh atrophy well you need two prosthetic limbs he's going to cost you an arm and a leg well got a pen and I joined together all the moles on your back and it made a picture of me and I think we're soul mates hold me forever I look so much yes yes that is an enormous penis and much bigger than yours unlikely things to hear at the World Cup and here comes the Irish team [Applause] oh sorry that is Wow both to [ __ ] sorry cute yes fun here with the first answer is huge and here come the Irish team hello I'm really sorry we didn't get in this [Applause] [Music] and I understand the Uruguayan women with their chant Uruguay and I mag well and Portugal have beaten Spain and Saudi Arabia have beaten a woman for wearing shorts Jamie Vardy managed four shots in the first half free sambuca and a skittles vodka and that is a great shot from the Russian but unfortunately the journalist has survived so it's Panama's first time at the tournament but they have been doing FIFA's accounts and sterling has taken a dive that's it for financial news back to the football well it's official England are out and we can go back to identifying people with flags in their windows as racist well let's have a look at the Swedish bench $12.99 from Ikea oh and that is a huge tackle that has got to make it more difficult to rollerblade brilliant goalkeeper David de heere midfield maestro Mesut özil fast forward and he's nipper on the back and bangs in an absolute screamer this really is the best leaked sex tape in the history of fun well we didn't think it was possible but somehow Gareth Southgate has managed it England eliminated before the group stage well a 2-1 down Iran had to do something so they brought on their secret weapon a 14 Megaton intercontinental ballistic missile if you've just tuned into England versus Germany way to make love island is on well it looks like Sammy's for Croatia I wish they had worn bigger shorts that's a shocking miss from Jay Zeus they are going to absolutely crucify him for that topic is things you wouldn't hear in a charity appeal British Red Cross just three adjectives to describe the average you keep voter stuck in the chair barely able to move please help us get Daraa walking again will be with us later he's got a new single in the Far donations that double will let him perform it for just fifty P Daraa Brian will toss you off in comic relief give me AK win at least classes kiss him and everything shoplifters anonymous helping people to help themselves if you're starting a family why not consider adoption but hurry up otherwise it'll only be the ugly ones left with your money I'm going to start a human organ delivery service called liver Roux every day these people walk up to 15 steps to get water with your money we can employ waiters at Nando's the National Trust for just 70 pounds a year you can have unlimited access to national treasures like the gardens of star head or the sumptuous interior of Judi Dench the thing with the disease like HIV is that many people are just ignorant most people don't even realize that HIV is just Roman for hi-5 Robin needs clean cold water and something nutritious to eat because last night he got shit-faced these people are disease ridden they haven't had a shower for weeks donate now save a life in Magaluf this is the people's dispensary for sick animals this Tiger has three dicks how sick is that give a man a duck and he'll feed himself for a week teach a man to duck and he'll avoid low flying objects with your money last year we took this homeless man and completely transformed him into a homeless woman and now on comic relief it's time for some harrowing footage as the cast of birds of a feather sing the hits from grease between you and me those rescue cats can't even swim let alone rescue anyone the Royal Society for the Protection of birds the only charity looking after the needs of cockney women for just the price of a cup of coffee we can get little negau boo a cup of coffee [Laughter] pale sad and hungry we're raising money for the Irish football team things you wouldn't hear on a news program scientists say it could save the corporation millions but the question still remains can the robot be taught to press the buzzer and I've taken a photo of the suspects on a Polaroid camera as he left court more on this story as it develops now in a video which some viewers may find disturbing jacob riis mug attempts small talk with a woman now British media have not mentioned the word brexit in more than our cries should be expecting some westerly winds and some rain coming down from the north and I'm really enjoying stroking this horse well I'm not sure he's in the right job the diplomatic correspondent has just told me to [ __ ] off I'm here in war-torn Syria and my producer really must hate me because I'm the weather man England has won the World Cup I think the country have now sued Iceland the supermarket and had all its assets frozen and now the news where you are there's a bear behind you so let's find out what's happening in your area which can't be all that important otherwise it would have made the main show the poverty here is appalling which is why I'm moving to ITV now it's time for the way that Carol is it going to get any better or do we have to put up with another week of your absolute [ __ ] damn right this is fake news I'm not even a news reporter I'm your wife stood in your living room holding a picture frame in front of my face and making up facts about Isis it's six o'clock and you know what that means it's time for freaking with me Hugh Edwards news correspondents having sex with young comedians is it right we cross now to Nick Robinson who's inside Whitehall okay the next topic is unlikely lines from a children's book yeah mr. tickle you think those arms are big wait until you see Hugh's dick oh grandma what big ears you have said red riding-hood [ __ ] off say grandma do you know what said the Big Friendly Giant I've just been fired from Mock the Week how do I get my hair like this said Tintin well have you seen there's something about Mary after dropping the breadcrumbs Hansen grethel dropped acid to find her way back to Glastonbury and then yet six fates of goulash five plates of red cabbage and a pie from Budapest he was a very Hungarian caterpillar piss off Malfoy you little Nazi in so weirdo where's Thomas said the passenger what he's delayed said The Fat Controller what do you mean said the passenger oh I'm going to explain it that's real life get used to it you little prick one of you said toad is a mole for the Russian government it's either ratty badger Molly or Elena Seminoles laap said Harry Wittgenstein's having a spliff the Philosopher's Stone then Paddington told the lady bear to brace herself before flipping her over and opening a fresh jar of marmalade [Applause] guys my dog literally just died can we not already happily refer to ourselves the famous for this chatterbox just couldn't stop talking and that's why we had to kill her said mr. mafia just tell him it stands for Big Friendly Giant said Sophie he'll be mad and his heart will be broken if he knows it means bollocks face granddad in the end all the children died we're going on a bear hunt of all its shot-putter to the top way that we went to a [ __ ] rug unlikely movie trailers statue guell Holiday Inn basics plumbers for all your plumbing needs visit our beautiful forest free billboards outside Epping autocorrect the movie out knob in a cinema near you'll coming soon a man in a loincloth who lives on top of a Christmas cake tarz a pan coming soon to an illegal streaming site near you Jurassic Park HD can Japanese subtitles for mp4 coming soon the harrowing tale of women's standing up to harassment through illegal street-racing in me to fast me to furious Trainspotting - we spotted two trains this summer Captain America Hulk and Iron Man sing Kumbaya while for shows you his new hammer in avengers assembly this cinematic remake of Swan Lake is so powerful but it broke a man's arm coming this summer the sequel to lala land Poland Jesse Eisenberg is Mark Zuckerberg in the social network - this time it's personal data she was a Hollywood actress in a sorted version of snog marry avoid Winona Ryder win own or write her well shrila the dragon with the girl - too soon a man who's been announcing it for the past three minutes just do it already coming this holiday season the bug-eyed guy with the clarinet in the canteen in the first film a Star Wars story tonight see six people working their asses off while one man just sits in a chair the farming movie contains scenes of a cup of tea it's rated PG I thought you said you couldn't drive I never said I couldn't drive I just said up until very recently I wasn't allowed fast and furious 9 Saudi Arabia Drift he wouldn't hear on the cookery show you can of course make your own pasta if you've got too much time on your hands you pretentious prick well while we're waiting for the rice to cook that will take another five or six minutes I'm going for a poo [Applause] so used to be one of those chefs shakes and swears a lot but then I discovered oven gloves today I'm using a Smeg fridge which is just like a normal fridge that I don't clean regularly enough if you're having trouble whipping them up into stiff peaks have you tried gently cupping their balls welcome to cooking after you've come home pests we're doing a cup of soup with that slightly going past its best before date if you put some HP sauce in it now try not to drizzle too much oil on the lamb or a troll wriggle free and escape I don't know about you but I really love upside-down pineapple cake or as Australians call it pineapple cake as Australian pineapples call it the keg Oh death well I enjoyed this meal so much when I had it in a Parisian restaurant that I asked the chef what it was called so this is my own version of [ __ ] off English these ginger nuts are soft and chewy and I can't stop going back for more and the rest of the honeymoon is pretty good to love Megan maryberry is quite critical of this soggy bottom but to be fair in this kind of heat it's kind of unavoidable welcome sicut of the other turn up 280 have a nap when the smoke alarm goes off you may be wondering what is the perfect accompaniment to a scotch egg simple Scotch sperm now my wife absolutely loves street food but that's probably because I married a pigeon normally for this recipe I like to use pork lardons but my producer doesn't listen so I spent the entire morning making some pigs very happy so today I'm going to be making banana wine and I'm going to be pressing the skins with my bare feet yeah this week there's very good exactly that very difficult dish which is the potato waffle that fell out of the pocket months ago and has been stuck in the ice very sharp nice [Music] hello I'm Nigella Lawson and welcome to the non innuendo cookery hour where we'll be teaching you how to cook dick white things you wouldn't hear on a property show so it's a two-up two-down it's unusual but those are the testicles I was born with welcome to the show we'll be looking at houses that have been designed by someone's nan yes its grand designs of course finding something in London on your budget was very very difficult so this property does come with a bit of a commute welcome to stoke Oh property is theft good night it mean but we've put together a montage of first-time buyers being told about stamp duty for the first time I begged Gary for an extension II when Gore conservatory I actually meant a penis enlargement this week Burt has bought a yurt and that sentence alone makes this the most fun show we've ever done hi I'm Kirsty Alsop and this week I'll be patronizing more Millennials you can't have dreams and a second bedroom wake up well this used to be a railway station but there haven't been any trains here for nearly 40 years it's haber teeth on Southern Railway and Simon has converted this railway carriage into his very own office just by yelling into his mobile phone like an [ __ ] this house is built on an ancient burial ground which is why the episodes been hosted by me the ghost of a hunchback Victorian boy trying to explain fixed-rate mortgages now this next property is about 50,000 pounds over Philip and Susan's budget luckily though Philips grandmother has just died laws of notorious people live on these here branches Piers Morgan Cay Hopkins Donald Trump what escape to the country no this is escape to the so if you want to brighten up your kitchen turn the light on season turned a two-bedroom house into a 10 bedroom house by putting bedding every room off Danny Dyer welcome to let's do this GAF up there you go immediately you can see how much roomier it looks without the old lady and the oxygen cylinders [Applause] unlikely dating profiles John a man who's comfortable to say the word love call me I'm a wimbledon umpire hey do you like it when two bodies come together and fall into great ecstasy me too let's find someone watching from the bushes once you go Asian you'll never go Caucasian all right long walks on the beach a Pebble Beach better I love pain I love pain vegan woman in her 30s seeks vegan man for fun companionship and joyless dinners out and what it impressed you to know that I typed out this entire profile using medic lady age 50 never married loves books gardening knitting and long walks six a gentleman who's very kind and like similar things must be hung like a Hoover sensible man with Bingley building society gold account at one point eight five percent seats woman with similar interests hello I'm looking for a bloke called Dave he's been hanging out in Nice apparently got his trotters up in his forties owner of full DOP bike looking for any woman who's interested in me demonstrating my folio pew bike it folds up [Music] ambitious man with no sense of work-life balance seeks well I've got time for this to say I'm a bit old-fashioned and I'm a phenomenal bigoted man with huge belly suits concave woman female early 60s high achiever snappy dressing leader of the Conservative Party very horny has the potential to [ __ ] the whole country unlikely things to write to TV channels dear channel 4 do you still work with that woman that inspects poo if so please forward this package to her dear Dave plus one would the pair of you like to come to my wedding dear itv2 active watch an episode of love Ireland and now I think my television has chlamydia dear the news I don't know how many times I will write this to you but next time you do the weather please will you say spoiler alert day at the BBC can you please get some right-wing comedians on Mock the Week because currently they're all in cabinet and they're making a real [ __ ] mess did a good morning Britain just wanted to say what a brilliant job Piers Morgan's doing here alibi TV will you please tell the police I was watching you last week dear itv3 why don't you just bite the bullet and call yourself ITV Poirot their BBC it's all sex and violence these days so I've got very little time for watching the television dear channel 5 I've recently very much enjoyed your program called my penis is so big it is killing me please could you pass on his phone number before I'm too late dear channel 5 are you still deer History Channel well done unconsciously showing storage wars we were all fed up learning about Cleopatra and Hitler we wanted to watch bail-ins rifle to a lockup for a second and she dear History Channel my wife's getting suspicious how do I delete you dear BBC I saw a man flossing on one of your panel shows and now I want to kill myself unlikely things to hear on a travel documentary hello I'm not Romesh Ranganathan please stop coming up to me in the street thank you Madagascar was wonderful and very surprising the animals were real and none of them talked it's amazing what you can pick up in this market in Vietnam for instance I've got herpes after a long journey I'm here in Chad great to experience an authentic American frat party welcome to the brand-new Travel Show about younger guys who want to date older women a place in the Sun while banging your mum New York the Big Apple the city that never sleeps how I wish I was there instead of this [ __ ] this is a very volatile geezer so do remember that before you interview Danny Dyer about brexit it's been a very harrowing two weeks but finally the Thameslink has got me to get with careful I'm here in India well we'll be inspecting some of the country's famous curry trees your wife's left the kids have gone all your mates have sided with her and she's even taken the dog welcome to Lonely Planet I'm here on safari in Africa and next to me is a Lynx and yet smells exactly like a 15 year old virgin Paris is known as the city of love and it's easy to see why it is wall-to-wall fanny [Laughter] the Amazon basin delivered last Friday already leaking two stars this really is a once-in-a-lifetime trip I'm here at Dignitas Siberia one of the harshest terrains on earth and surprisingly easy to get to just call Vladimir Putin the tosser and the locals let me swim with dolphins which I later found out was their way of telling me I'm terminally ill the coffee shops of Amsterdam [Laughter] what was that rejected exam questions if Tony is 35 and Jane leaves him after a seven-year relationship why did she waste the plus years of his life this is a picture of Napoleon Bonaparte which part of Napoleon's boner is it biology what happens when you stand on an upturned plug three marks if a bus leaves London at 7:00 a.m. how far will it get before Boris Johnson writes a lie on the side of it please open your biology question books where you will find an image of the male sexual reproductive organ mr. Tyler keeps doing that that's why we've had to let him go why is Piers Morgan if an apple a day keeps a normal doctor away how many apples would you have needed to defeat Harold Shipman translate the following into German hello I'm a British refugee please can I live in your country if I mix two parts ethanol with one Whitney Houston CD will I get over my ex this is your PE practical exam for 30 marks bully that little pale boy until you have to become a comedian mats two four six eight who do we appreciate and that concludes your French oral just pop your trousers up and I'll see you on Monday identify the white powder good Mitsui gland akela alright you Muppet if I X minus y equals 12th and what's 3x over for y I'm Danny Dyer and welcome to Britain's hardest exams [Applause] how fresh is Dhara really [Laughter] what is the value of pi' if you've just seen the bloke at Gregg's pick it up off the floor if a train leaves the station and it's operated by southern rail so you just turned 16 did you on likely lines from kids film and TV shows to me [Applause] let's piglet I know you've been playing with poo in the woods because you stink and it's all over your hands The Brave Little Toaster zoner was about to take him on his wildest adventure yet all the way to the brave little bath said pingu sorry said his mother what the [ __ ] are you talking about this is Blue Peter and I think we can all agree we should have taken into a hospital by now oh look it's the Teletubbies or is there otherwise known the fat family from gogglebox Thomas the Tank Engine was happy he'd joined Thameslink and hadn't had to do anything for over a month it's the family with 11 fingers and 12 toes yes it's the Umbrella balls so it turns out flowerpot men is no longer politically correct and they will be henceforth known as Bill and Ben the gays buzz something's wrong with woody I just keep pulling the string on his back and he keeps going why people up next in the night garden' can you stop calling it that it really puts me off Kung Fu Panda the least racist hero of all time as he is black and white and Asian et send nudes look bag purse has been updated now his Dyson bagless purse but Quasimodo what makes you think you need to see a back doctor I have a hunch Harry Potter I have good news and bad news the bad news isn't pregnant the good news is I've learned the abortive spell [Music] now I'm Willy Wonka 10 grand or at 8 your piano Robin do you know if Alfred has a charger for an iPhone 8 The Adventures of lo Batman what's his Peter Rabbit doing in the garden mummy was sure she left him in her bedroom drawer spongebob went to the Crab Shack and met with all these spongy mates and they could all agree that contraceptive sponge had had the worst day this week on paw patrol rocky gets hit by a car and the driver has to finish him off with a rolled-up eh-2-zed things you wouldn't hear on the radio this is the radio another joke don't touch that dial give yourself a sprayer Lynx Africa open up a can of relentless sit back in your cargo shorts and relax this is Virgin Radio and with the time now at 3 a.m. it's probably time to just stare into space and think about where it all went wrong and yes yes coming up we have got some of the sickest tracks from some of the illest artists around and this is karaoke on Hospital radio well today on the arches Daisy gets her bolt from the blue when she unexpectedly wanders into an abattoir viking dagger 40s white oh sorry that's not the shipping forecast that's my tinder dates bio number two that was Ed Sheeran with Galway girl and now at number one for the 50th week in a row ed Sheeran with go away girl and now the long range forecast gonna be quite windy we welcome you to Radio 3 that's right just just you and now it's time for thought for the day no it's gone well this is Gardens question time and a big welcome especially to our younger viewers like 92 year old Enid from Sarah the next on radio for its woman's are and after that 23 men's hours must have cafe that was first thought of the day on jazz fm it's a new entry at number one it's cubed about bad bit about beam sorry I was having a stroke at ed Sheeran go away Baris Johnson is joining us on the couch this morning yeah he's not a guest it's just that's very slept last night the shipping forecast there will be shipping and we interrupt this broadcast to bring you the tragic news that a ritha Franklin has sadly passed away and what better way to show our respect for miss Franklin than with go away girl by Ed Sheeran lines you wouldn't read in a romantic novel she was bewitching she danced is so possessed by the elements a creature created by the rhythms of nature itself more misses many more Toby I'm not feeling well said amber embarrassed she turned red thin green as he climaxed inside her John knew he would never be allowed to visit the Statue of Liberty again she looked on expectantly as he undid his zip and slowly removed his anorak she looked into his deep eyes and said you're the most attractive man I've ever seen oh no wait hold on I'm just ovulating how to please a lady chapter wax wet her spoons yeah show me where the spoons after five unrelenting hours James really began to regret making his safe word harder she gazed around her there were shelves containing whips blindfold chains and she thought little really do sell everything the roleplay had gone wrong again my bad he says I thought you said mr. RC as he looked at her lower back tattoo of two little birds one word came to mind swallows he said of a passionate kiss he was expecting she just gave him a peck on the cheek ah he thought this chicken is playing hard to get Rheda i shagged him his tender words still echoed around the dappled blades as he climbed aboard and you come here often yes I come here every week to get tested I know I'm supposed to get over you he said but it's it's too difficult I'm constantly reminded of you every time I look at the nutritional info on a packet of food and I see fat trace lines you wouldn't hear in a superhero movie I am Thor and next year I will be five [Applause] I've got you now Catwoman your days of sitting on laptops and licking your own hole are over why am i green well I made of kale I am the inedible Hulk ah Superman we meet Adler I can literally see your pants don't you call me a wanker you're a wanker yourself that's right I'm white van man I'm Batman nice Batman nice yes Peter I know you're spider-man but that Beverly isn't web all over your laptop screen I'm Captain Marvel and you're Captain America one of us is gonna have to tell captain Birdseye he's not in this game stinks of fish is it a bird is it a plane this pilots exam is harder than I was expecting I have collected all the Infinity stones and I believe that means I'm entitled to a free coffee it's the Fantastic Four Oh No it was stopped on the boundary just a single a full-body titanium suit with armor plating no thank you I'll stick to the small metal bikini hi spider-man yeah no no I've got an STI so when you say you were swinging around New York what exactly did you mean commissioner you sense for me yes Human Torch I need to find something in the shed i prescribed 50 milligrams of cheese and 60 cc's of cat hair Benedict Cumberbatch's dr. strange [Applause] they call me Catwoman because I've got fur all over me I stink her whiskers and cat peace Batman come quickly a tie football team is stuck in the Batcave [Applause] why so serious alright because I'm a scary cloud with weird makeup and I'm holding a knife fair enough I Thor I for a putty tat the next topic is unlikely agony and letters dear dear tree I heard that there is a way to get red wine out of carpets please tell me because I really want some red wine my boyfriend says I'm obsessed with quizzes shall I I leave him be seek help see my obsession future jury I have an irrational fear of agony ants please don't respond via territory I don't get on with my partner's children they're my children as well but I don't admit that because they're absolute dicks I'm a man in his 50s struggling with his work-life balance sure like sorry gotta go oh I'm in love with my wife's mother's daughter oh no way that's my wife okay all their emotional stuff is that agony once caught my bollocks in a lift door dear tree I can't help putting my bike in other ladies racks lovely Boris dear dear tree last week I had a car accident and now my girlfriend isn't speaking to me and she cries all the time and I feel really cold ocean I'm a ghost - Deirdre I'm embarrassed by the amount of noise my wife makes during lovemaking to be fair she doesn't know I'm still in the house my girlfriend says I give up on things too easily oh well since my children left to go to university my life feels so meaningful and breech how do I tell him I don't want to come home for this dear Deirdre my wife says I'm a fantasist and a compulsive liar or she's want to talk she doesn't even exist I'm a man trapped inside the body of a woman it happened last night neither of his day I called an ambulance Theo Theo tree I am very into steeples I should try and set a world record for masturbation do you think I can pull it off Deirdre in the daytime I come across as a really smart cheerful guy who everyone loves but in secret I am definitely a psychopath yours nish Kumar via t3 my wife says that I'm a serial philanderer and a sex addict so I guess my question is what are you doing tonight I just got my first period should I be worried Dave 32 things you wouldn't hear at a party conference why are we having this conference in Blackpool to ODS cheap cocaine Jeremy Hunt is having a heart attack is there a doctor in the house why are you laughing so we'll be having one speech from a remainer a speech from a brexit here another speech from a romaine another speech from a brexit ear and then boris johnson would drop his trousers so that's in out in out shake it all about what this conference has taught me as this party needs more women because the hotel bar last night was an absolute sausage fan welcome delegates to this year's Liberal Democrat conference conference conference so to those who say we have alienated too many groups in society to get elected let me say this [ __ ] off I know some of you have been challenging my leadership and to UIC Brennan or Nia ba by some have said that the Labour Party has lost contact with its working-class roots but I say to these people the same thing I said to my driver this morning do not address me directly so now we've sorted out break set they told us Briggs it was undeliverable they told us Briggs it was unworkable well where are they now they are outside with banners saying I told you so white it's the Green Party conference and now it's time to break for lunch who ordered the veal I'm afraid we Smaug can't be worth fish today someone hung garlic at the threshold and he can't pass through so everything is still on the table why has no one cleared the table it's incredible to think that some people think of us as a cult anyway could you all just line up while Jeremy Corbyn chooses his wives of course the Tories are like regular people you should have seen us in the bar last night Giles is wet-nurse downed a whole bottle of Port we have had soft brexit we have had hard breaks it but now we have a more digestible alternative ready brexit [Applause] the nectar begins on lucky lines from a TV detective show hmm interesting I think it might be Fox Sierra alpha disco polka nipple actually I've got no idea what I'm talking about after seven very tedious seasons finally things pick up on CSI Salisbury I want photographs of the body I'll take a deep bite n canvas a Kealing and a mouse mark there are 16 different semen samples in this bed such I should have read the TripAdvisor report on this hotel and as you can see from the chalk outline the victim had a tiny head and was sitting on a giant circle sorry I think that's a disabled parking space so your crime number is 1 0 0 0 0 0 oh my god you're a millionth customer I'm really sorry what happened to your eyes welcome to the new detective show from the Northeast csy I knew cutting two inches to the left and that bullet would have gone right through your eyeball but as it is it went through the other eyeballs [Laughter] oh no I have to go to the morgue he's always eating a sandwich we gather to desensitize everybody get down cuz this is disco I'm genuinely sorry that your father never hugged you but when I said it's the police open up okay then I suppose what we can deduce is either the victim was naked and extremely well-endowed or whoever drew this chalk outline is very immature on the doll please show me where you were grabbed by the president miss Harris I'm sorry to have to do this but we want you to identify a body this body there is a body and we think it's your fiancee [Music] 14 bullet wounds to the head classic suicide wait maybe it's a man pretending to [ __ ] like a fox welcome to sun hill police station on pc every British actors first TV gig in this is Sergeant too ugly for Hollyoaks [Applause] unlikely things to hear on daytime TV and with just a lick of paint and by removing that horrible rug it's almost like you've got a new wife today on this morning there's no Holly so lads you might as well turn across the sky Sports News breakfast news now I had toast today we'll be shoving the foreign secretary welcome to barging hunt the lighting systems up the irrigation system is in place it's time for hash in the Attic next Boris Johnson's on the rain and we can't get him off er and today there will be no Jeremy Kyle unfortunately because we've run out of dreadful people next it's good morning Northwest or as it should be called join us after the break when we'll be making some Street food and in fact chef Anton is scraping something off the road right now Middle East property prices now in homes under the hammers next on bargain hunt we've got a rule relic from the 70s very rare this it's a referendum result people actually respected [Applause] and now Michael Portillo with Great British Rail replacement bus journeys [Applause] this is tipping points yes that's right the moment Susanna Reid finally punches Piers Morgan in the face welcome to bargain celebrity hunt where I'm looking for bargain celebrities I just found Jedward by the bins Oh Thank You piers that was a very reasonable and well-thought-out opinion things you never hear in a school assembly and so those of you who wrote mr. Ferguson's mobile telephone number on the wall of the girls toilet he would like to make it clear that the last digit is a five and not a three and now continuing our policy of religious diversity we are going to sacrifice her goats to the Great God in whole chip [Applause] ofsted man he come to school not good now children I know it's very very nerve-wracking awaiting your results but I've got some good news my results are back it's all clear chlamydia miss Lyons is back in the saddle just a heads up for today's science exam you will be required to create a vacuum yeah no pressure as many of you know the school has produced a lot of good actors you know parents who pretended to go to church in order to get their children into the school I will now read the register and hopefully there are no more teachers on it today is of course the big school outing and so I'd like to invite all the gay and lesbian children come to the front immediately and now I notice about school uniform my wife will be wearing one this evening as it's my birthday and the caretaker has asked me to say take care we have very strict rules on piercings only one kind is allowed Jerome show them your [ __ ] ring students I would advise you to sometimes just think about people less fortunate than you cuz I always find it cheers me up drinking smoking fighting these are all three reasons for me to be very tired today I'd like to apologize for those students who saw that Miss Jones has horribly misunderstood what Mufti day means in an attempt to move with the times mrs. Smith is going to lead us in the rendition of onward Christian soldiers to the tune of storm Z's big for your boots as you know I'm retiring after 40 years of teaching at this school and this week you boys have made me realize that I've absolutely [ __ ] wasted my life [Applause]

Channel: mindlessgonzoALT

Views: 1,284,715

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Id: ESm8G0wGSBs

Length: 72min 25sec (4345 seconds)

Published: Mon Oct 08 2018