GOOD EVENING EVERYONE. MY NAME IS JOE WONG. BUT, TO MOST PEOPLE I AM KNOWN
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AS WHO? [LAUGHTER]
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WHO IS ACTUALLY MY MOTHER'S
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MAIDEN NAME. [LAUGHTER] AND THE ANSWER TO MY CREDIT CARD
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SECURITY QUESTION. [LAUGHTER] YOU ARE LOOKING AT A SIDE AND I WANT TO REASSURE EVERYBODY THAT
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I AM INVITED HERE TONIGHT. [LAUGHTER]
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I GREW UP IN CHINA, WHO DIDN'T? [LAUGHTER] MY CHILDHOOD MEMORIES ARE
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TOTALLY RUINED BY MY CHILDHOOD. [LAUGHTER] WHEN I WAS IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, AS PART OF THE CURRICULUM, I HAD TO WORK IN A RICE PADDY RIGHT NEXT TO A QUARRY WHERE THEY USED EXPLOSIVE TO BREAK ROCKS. AND THAT IS WHERE I LEARNED THAT
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LIGHT TRAVELS FASTER THAN SOUND. [LAUGHTER] WHICH IS ALMOST AS SLOW AS A
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FLYING ROCK. [LAUGHTER] MY DAD WAS A GRUMPY GUY BUT OCCASIONALLY HE WOULD TRY TO CHEER ME UP WITH JOKES. BUT HE DOESN'T DO IT RIGHT. WHEN I WAS SEVEN 71 DAY HE SAID TO ME, HERE SON, WHY IS TOFU BETTER THAN CENTRALIZED
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SOCIALIST ECONOMY? [LAUGHTER] SO FIVE MINUTES LATER I SAID, WHY?
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HE SAID BECAUSE I SAID SO. [LAUGHTER] I CAME TO THE UNITED STATES WHEN I WAS 24 TO STUDY AT RICE
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UNIVERSITY IN TEXAS. [APPLAUSE]
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THAT WASN'T A JOKE. [LAUGHTER] UNTIL NOW. AND I WAS USED TO SEEING CARS WITH A LOT OF BUMPER STICKERS
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THAT WERE IMPOSSIBLE TO PEEL OFF. ONE OF THEM SAID, IF YOU DON'T
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SPEAK ENGLISH, GO HOME. [LAUGHTER] AND I DIDN'T NOTICE FOR TWO
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YEARS. [LAUGHTER] LIKE MANY OTHER IMMIGRANTS, WE WANTED OUR SON TO BECOME THE PRESIDENT OF THIS COUNTRY AND WE TRY TRIED TO MAKE HIM A LINGUAL, CHINESE AT HOME AND ENGLISH IN THE PUBLIC WHICH IS REALLY TOUGH TO DO BECAUSE MANY TIMES AS I SAID TO HIM IN PUBLIC, HEY LISTEN IF YOU DON'T SPEAK
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ENGLISH, GO HOME. [LAUGHTER] HE WOULD SAY TO ME HEY DAD, WHY DO I HAVE TO LEARN TWO LANGUAGES? I SAID SUN, ONCE YOU BECOME THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO SIGN LEGISLATIVE BILLS AND ENGLISH AND TALK TO DEBT COLLECTORS IN
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CHINESE. [LAUGHTER] WHEN I GRADUATED FROM RICE I DECIDED TO STAY IN THE UNITED STATES, BECAUSE IN CHINA I CAN'T DO THAT THING THE THING I DO
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BEST HERE, BEING ETHNIC. [LAUGHTER] AND IN ORDER FOR ME TO BECOME A U.S. CITIZEN I HAD TO TAKE AMERICAN HISTORY LESSONS, WHERE THEY ASKED US QUESTIONS LIKE, WHO IS BENJAMIN FRANKLIN? WE ARE LIKE, THE REASON OUR
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CONVENIENCE STORE WAS DEVELOPED. [LAUGHTER] WHAT WAS THE SECOND AMENDMENT? WE WERE LIKE-- THE REASON OUR
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CONVENIENCE STORE GETS ROBBED? [APPLAUSE] WHAT IS ROE VERSUS WADE? TWO WAYS OF COMING TO THE UNITED
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STATES? [LAUGHTER] LATER ON, I READ SO MUCH ABOUT AMERICAN HISTORY THAT I STARTED
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TO HARBOR WIDE SKILLS. [LAUGHTER] IN AMERICA THEY SAY ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL BUT AFTER BIRTH, IT KIND OF DEPENDS ON THE PARENTS INCOME OR EDUCATION OR
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HEALTH CARE. [APPLAUSE] I READ IN MEN'S HEALTH MAGAZINE THAT PRESIDENT OBAMA EVERY WEEK HAS TWO CARDIO DAYS AND TWO WEIGHTLIFTING DAYS. YOU SEE I DON'T HAVE TO EXERCISE
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AS I HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE. [LAUGHTER] I LIVE IN MASSACHUSETTS NOW, WHERE WE HAVE UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE, THEN WE ELECTED SCOTT BROWN.
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TALK ABOUT MIXED MESSAGES. [LAUGHTER] I THINK THERE WAS A MOVIE ABOUT HIM.
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IT IS CALLED KILL BILL. [LAUGHTER] I AM HONORED TO MEET VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN HERE TONIGHT I ACTUALLY READ YOUR AUTOBIOGRAPHY. TODAY I SEE YOU.
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I THINK THE BOOK IS MUCH BETTER.
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[LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE] THEY SHOULD HAVE HAD RED PIT OR
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ANGELINA JOLIE. [LAUGHTER] SO TO BE HONEST I WAS HONORED TO BE HERE TONIGHT AND I HAVE PREPARED FOR MONTHS FOR TONIGHT SHOW. I SHOWED MY WIFE -- MATT THE WHITE HOUSE BY JOKES ABOUT OBAMA AND THAT IS WHY HE DECIDED NOT TO COME. TAKE THAT STEPHEN COLBERT. PRESIDENT OBAMA HAS ALWAYS BEEN ACCUSED OF BEING TOO SOFT, BUT HE WAS CONDUCTING TWO WARS AND THEY STILL GAVE HIM THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE.
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AND HE ACCEPTED IT. [LAUGHTER]
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YOU CAN'T BE MORE BAD THAN THAT. [APPLAUSE] ACTUALLY, I AM THINKING THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN BE MORE BAD THAN THAT IS IF YOU TAKE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE MONEY AND GIVE IT TO
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THE MILITARY. [LAUGHTER]
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ONE OF THE MANY DISTINGUISHED JOURNAL IS HERE TONIGHT JOURNALIST HERE TONIGHT WHO I
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CONSIDER AS MY PEERS -- MATT. [LAUGHTER] BECAUSE I USED TO WRITE FOR THE CAMPUS NEWSPAPER. I THINK JOURNALISM IS THE LAST REFUGE FOR PUNS. ONLY IN THE NEWSPAPER CAN YOU SAY THINGS LIKE, I WAS BORN IN THE YEAR OF THE HORSE AND THAT
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IS WHY I AM-- MY POINT EXACTLY. [LAUGHTER] TONIGHT IS MY FIRST TIME ON C-SPAN, WHICH IS A CHANNEL I OBVIOUSLY ALWAYS WATCH. THE SENSATIONALISM AND
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DEMAGOGUERY OF PBS AND QVC. [APPLAUSE] IF I CAN STILL FALL ASLEEP AFTER WATCHING C-SPAN, THERE IS
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C-SPAN2 AND C-SPAN3. [APPLAUSE] THANK YOU VERY MUCH. SO I BECAME A U.S. CITIZEN IN 2008, WHICH I AM REALLY HAPPY
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ABOUT.
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THANK YOU VERY MUCH. [APPLAUSE] AMERICA IS NUMBER ONE. THAT IS TRUE. BECAUSE WE WON THE WORLD SERIES
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EVERY YEAR. [LAUGHTER] AFTER BECOMING A U.S. CITIZEN, I IMMEDIATELY REGISTERED TO VOTE FOR OBAMA AND BIDEN.
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YOU ARE WELCOME. [LAUGHTER]
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YOU HAD ME AT GUESS WE CAN. [LAUGHTER] THAT WAS THEIR SLOGAN. SO, AFTER GETTING OBAMA AND BIDEN ELECTED, I FELT THIS POWER TRIP. AND I STARTED TO THINK, MAYBE I SHOULD RUN FOR PRESIDENT MYSELF. I HAVE TO TAKE A STEP BACK AND EXPLAIN A LITTLE BIT, BECAUSE I HAD ALWAYS BEEN A PESSIMISTIC GUY. I FELT THAT LIFE IS KIND OF LIKE BEING INTO THE SNOW ON A DARK WINTER NIGHT. YOU PROBABLY MADE A DIFFERENCE
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BUT IT IS REALLY HARD TO TELL. [LAUGHTER] NOW WE HAVE A PRESIDENT WHO IS HALF BLACK, HALF WHITE. IT JUST GIVES ME A LOT OF HOPE BECAUSE I AM HALF NOT LACK IN
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HALF NOT WHITE. [LAUGHTER] TWO NEGATIVES MAKE A POSITIVE. YOU MAY BE SAYING HEY, WHAT WOULD BE YOUR CAMPAIGN SLOGAN? YOU SEE, I SPENT 10 YEARS IN THE
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PAST DECADE. [LAUGHTER]
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U2? OKAY. I UNDERSTAND THE AMERICAN PEOPLE ARE SUFFERING, SO MY CAMPAIGN
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SLOGAN WILL BE, WHO CARES? [LAUGHTER] IF ELECTED I WILL MAKE SAME-SEX MARRIAGE NOT ONLY LEGAL BUT
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REQUIRED. [LAUGHTER] THAT WILL GET ME THE YOUTH VOTE. YOU SEE I AM MARRIED NOW BUT I
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USED TO BE REALLY SCARED ABOUT MARRIAGE. I WAS LIKE WOW, 50% OF ALL MARRIAGES END UP LASTING
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FOREVER. [LAUGHTER] AND I WILL ELIMINATE UNEMPLOYMENT IN THIS COUNTRY BY REDUCING THE PRODUCTIVITY OF THE AMERICAN WORKFORCE. SO, TO PEOPLE WILL HAVE TO DO THE WORK OF ONE, JUST LIKE THE PRESIDENT AND THE VICE
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PRESIDENT. [LAUGHTER]
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OR THE OLSEN TWINS. [LAUGHTER] AND DESPITE OUR DISEASE OF CANCER, MOST AMERICANS DIE OF NATURAL CAUSES, SO IF ELECTED, I WILL FIND A CURE FOR NATURAL
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CAUSES. [LAUGHTER] YOU SEEMED TO LIKE THAT ONE. BUT YOU WON'T BE COVERED BY HEALTH INSURANCE THOUGH. BECAUSE OF PREEXISTING CONDITIONS. AND I HAVE A QUICK SOLUTION FOR GLOBAL WARMING.
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I WILL SWITCH FROM FAHRENHEIT TO
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CELSIUS. [LAUGHTER] IT WAS 100 DEGREES AND NOW IT IS
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40. [LAUGHTER] YOU ARE VERY WELCOME. AND, I AGREE WITH FOREIGN POLICY BECAUSE I AM FROM CHINA AND I
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CAN SEE RUSSIA FROM MY BACKYARD. [APPLAUSE] I BELIEVE THAT UNILATERALISM IS TOO EXPENSIVE, AND OPEN DIALOGUE IS TOO SLOW, SO IF ELECTED, I WILL GO WITH TEXT MESSAGING. I WILL TEXT OUR ALLIES JUST TO
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SAY HI. [LAUGHTER] AND TEXT OUR ENEMIES WHEN THEY
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ARE DRIVING. [LAUGHTER] YOU ARE BUILDING A NUCLEAR WEAPON? BUT YOU WERE DOING IT WRONG, LOL I JUST WANT TO THANKED YOU FOR HAVING ME HERE TONIGHT IN THIS IS THE FIRST TIME -- MATT THANK YOU SO MUCH AND HAVE A VERY GOOD
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NIGHT.
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THANK YOU VERY MUCH. [APPLAUSE]
This is seriously the longest I’ve ever watched C-Span.
Man, its amazing to see someone being funny with their second language. That's very hard to do.
What is roe vs wade?.... uh, 2 ways that immigrants enter the united states... brilliant
"I was scared to get married because 50% of marriages...
... last forever."
Wrecked me.
I love him haha "My childhood memories are totally ruined by my childhood" I'm glad he lives in my state!
i saw joe bidden but this looks like footage from the 90's
That C-SPAN joke had me dying.
"Tonight is my first time on C-SPAN. Which is a channel I always watch... when I couldn't stand the sensationalism and demagoguery of PBS and QVC."
Also his follow-up: "And if you still can't fall asleep after watching C-SPAN... there's always C-CSPAN 2 and C-SPAN 3."
EDIT: Also that Palin dig was gold.
The Bi Lingual Legislature joke was amazing
"I decided to stay in United States because in China I can't do what I do best here... Being ethnic."
He's killing me.